You are probably wondering (I know I was) how someone ends up with a pair of cooking tongs up their ass. And, as it turns out, I have the answer for you (not from personal knowledge of course...I read it on the internets).
1. Get mobile home.
2. Do shitloads of cocaine and booze in said mobile home.
3. Invite in two strange women that are walking by to share your booze, coke, and mobile home.
4. Black out and wake up "in pain."
5. Have cousin take you to hospital.
6. Have doctors surgically remove an object identified as "one half of a pair of food tongs."
There you have it. I hope everyone's holiday wishes come true...just like this guy's.