Well, I ran out of bad date stories (not really, but I decided to quit at 5), so I am starting a new feature...Stupid Things My Ex-Husbands Said or Did That Make Me Glad I'm Not Married To Them Anymore. First off, let me fill you in on Ex#1...I don't plan on using a name or anything too specific, mostly because he's not someone I ever want to hear from again (in addition to the fact that he's a TOTAL criminal now, just believe me on this one) and so it just makes me feel better to not go into specifics too much.
Ex#1: Ex#1 was a really good friend in my senior year of high school, who I had a HUGE crush on, who I always thought was too good for me (a thought that he worked very hard to foster). Looking back, I have no idea why I thought that (well, I kinda do...once again, he worked hard at it). He was a good-looking guy, probably too good-looking for his own good (and, he thought, far too good looking for me), but not really that smart, and just complete trash through and through. He came from a single-wide trailer that housed his dad, his dad's third wife, the wife's four daughters, the dad and third-wife's son, and the Ex's two other brothers. Plus there was a brother and sister out of the house already (and by "out of the house" I mean "in prison"). Yeah, that's right...10 kids. And one part-time job amongst the adults of the house...so the Ex provided quite a bit of family financial support, which I think is part of why I initially liked him...he seemed to have potential for being a good responsible person. As it turned out, he had neither the internal fortitude nor the strength of character, even with my total unwavering support and utter undying devotion, to escape his upbringing and roots.
So, in light of all that, here's some of the stupidest things he ever said to me while we were married.
In response to an argument, where, apparently I was speaking a little too fast for him to keep up with: "Quit talking so fast, I know you're just doing that to confuse me."
In response to me telling him to quit cussing while yelling at me: "Yeah right, as if 'Fuck' is a cuss word!"
In response to me finding letters from other women describing all the things they had done with him/would like to do him (including his apparent desire for a scratch and sniff nude picture from a girl with the stripperific name of Angelica): "Those letters are just joke letters from the guys at work...that's why I kept them, because they're jokes...they're funny...really. I mean, who would be stupid enough to keep letters from girls he's been having sex with who aren't his wife?" Who indeed?
In response to a $200 cable bill I received while he was deployed...$200 worth of porn movies: "I didn't watch those movies. Some of my friends must have come into the house while we were sleeping and watched those movies because they knew we would get stuck with the bill."
In response to me, while we were separated, walking into the bank to find his girlfriend (the girl he was having an affair with) sitting on his lap: "It's not how it looks, we're just friends! She's engaged to my friend Bill. Why would I cheat on you with her, and why would she cheat on him with me, right out in the open at the bank we all use?" Again, why indeed?
In response to his dad calling me the C-word...the four letter not nice one: "Well, I mean...you are kind of a snob." Oh yeah, you know me...with my high-falutin higher education and wanting more from my life than a single-wide full of creepy little kids I can't afford to support...I'm such a snob.
In response to me finding a porn mag under the mattress in the spare bedroom the DAY my extremely puritanical parents were due to arrive for Christmas: "I bought it for the articles. Look, there's an article in here about those aliens they have in Roswell and Area 51. I had to read it for work!"
In response to me finding out he wasn't at work when he said he would be at work: "I had to go downtown, TO BUY YOU A PRESENT, and my car broke down and I couldn't get to work." The further response to the fact that I had actually called work and he wasn't even scheduled that day was "They are just jealous of me and they're trying to get me into trouble with you." Why? "Because I'm so good at my job everyone wants to bring me down."
Anyway, perhaps tomorrow or the next day we'll revisit some of the highlights of marriage #2...the one I think of as "Fun, but still a totally stupid idea."