Sunday, August 17, 2008

New couch! We're official adults!

We decided to buy a new couch. We're getting a different fabric, but we really like the style. It's from Dania...we're finally graduating from Ikea to Ikea Plus!

Friday, August 15, 2008

I miss air conditioning

I tried to come up with a clever title but I couldn't because my brain has actually baked inside my head and is no longer capable of retrieving things like funny movie lines.

On the up side, The Boy is making me dinner. He's so good. I swear, I totally don't deserve him. I've showed him my broken toe at least 53 times since Wednesday and he is so patient - he goes "Mmmmmm...gross", EVERY SINGLE TIME.

On the not up side, my left hand is basically totally numb, making typing extremely difficult, which will likely cut into my blogging in the same way it has cut into my work productivity. I totally can't feel my left pinky, which seems like not a big deal, but think of how many times you hit the Shift key or Shift with a special character. My inability to feel my ring finger is the tragic downfall of A S Z Q W and X. Typing the word "ass", one of my favorite words, has lost its joy.

If you are considering getting multiple sclerosis, I would highly advise against it. What a hassle. Thank god I can still hold a wine glass.

Oh yeah. Also it's 90 here. And no one has AC (very hard to type!!!), so it's like twelve thousand degrees in our house and even though I have a fan pointed right at me it is not even helping - my lipglosses are all melted like they've been in my car, and I think maybe my spleen is actually liquified.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

If it weren't for bad luck...

I'd have none at all.

Let me recap:

May 2007 - diagnosed with multiple sclerosis
December 2007 - compression fracture of T-10 vertebrae because I'm a dumbass and should have never gotten on that ATV
January 2008 - bad personal life event which I won't discuss online, but trust me, it sucked
August 12, 2008 - running down the stairs to grab the phone and broke my freaking toe! It's purple and black and blue and tie dye if you could tie dye a bruise. Awesome.

To add insult to injury my left hand is pretty much completely numb now which is making typing a true adventure. My neurologist is switching practices and won't be available so I can't even get seen until after Sept. 1. Not that there's anything he can do really...welcome to MS - the incurable disease that causes a bunch of totally shitty symptoms with no real treatment except a bunch of drugs that make you feel even shittier than the disease or medicate you into a drug-addled coma. FAB!

I'm gonna go get a glass of wine. I hope I can go to the gym tomorrow...between numb legs and the broken toe, I'm ready for a damn vacation.

Monday, August 11, 2008

This is why the Romanians hate me*

Normally, I consider myself to be pretty much an upfront, outgoing, tell it like it is kinda gal. For some reason, this all goes out the window when confronted openly and in person about a subject I am uncomfortable with. For alleged fatness. It's true that I have put on a couple of" happy to be married" and "thank god my husband loves to cook and also loves curvy girls" pounds. So, I joined a gym. I have been diligently attending said gym three or four times a week at 6:00am. Yes...SIX in the ANTE-MERIDIAN.

Anyway, part of joining this particular gym is two free sessions with a personal trainer. I vehemently oppose the idea of going to one of these trainers for a whole variety of reasons...they try to sell you supplements, they try to sell you more time working with them, etc. But, given my fear of open confrontation, when I signed up for the gym and the membership guy signed me up for a personal training session (it's FREE!), I was powerless to resist. We set it up for last Monday at 6:30. In the MORNING! It's FREE!

I was there. He was not. SWEET! I thought for sure I had actually managed to escape. No appointment, no one measuring my fat, no one trying to sell me protein powder, and no confrontation. But then, later at cell phone rang. I didn't pick up. That's OK, I thought...I'm totally OK with being passive aggressive, I just won't call back. Problem solved.

Tuesday at the gym passes uneventfully. Then, Wednesday morning, I'm working out and I hear "Energy Spatula? Come to the front desk. Ms. Spatula...please come to the front desk!" And, here's where I made a mistake. I looked up! And, there he was...standing at the front desk...our eyes met...he waved...I knew I was in trouble.

I couldn't ignore him, eye contact was made. So, I stepped off my treadmill and headed over. He apologized profusely and wanted to set me up with a new appointment. How come no one, INCLUDING ME, has mentioned that he showed up at the gym at 6am specifically for the purpose of stalking me down? Why didn't I think of that??

So, I give in. I set the appointment for the following morning. In my 1/2 hour with the trainer, here is what I learned:

1. Muscles burn glycogen. Not everyone knows that.
2. If you take 8 years to get fat, you can't expect to lose it overnight. Fatty.
3. Most people quit the gym after four months.
4. If I manage to stick it out for four months, I will find myself becoming more magnetic as I shed my dull, inactive, unenergetic persona for a more "active" and "fit" and..."likeable" self. (People like thin people. I'm not thin. But, someday, with his help, I could at least make an attempt to get there.)
5. Romanians hate Gypsy's. Swear to God he told me this.
6. He knows all about MS because his sister-in-law has it. I shouldn't focus on my limitations, it's counterproductive. If I can't feel my legs, well, squats will help me with that if I would just quit whining.
7. Glycogen!
8. If I want more sessions, they can be had for the low, low price of $125. An HOUR!
9. Oh, I was in the Air Force? Well, he was a Marine. He's surprised I even know how to find a gym.
10. On a scale of 1-5, I know o, ZERO, about weight-lifting. The sooner I accept that, the sooner we can all get on with our lives.

But, I made it through. I fulfilled my commitment to have one free training session - I'm done, right?

WRONG! Today, I'm on the elliptical machine, headphones on, minding my own business. If I wasn't such a pussy about my MS and all focus-y on it, I would be on the treadmill, but the whole "numb from the thighs down" thing has me pouting like a five year old. I look over, and guess who is standing next to me in all of his pony-tailed glory? The staring commences. I'm not taking off my headphones, and apparently he's not budging. Finally I say "I'm watching the news." And he goes, "Yeah"...and then stands there in further awkward silence for at least two minutes.

Anyway, the whole thing is just creeping me out. This guy wants to save me from my own fatness, and I just want to be patted on the back for getting up at the crack of dawn and not falling off the treadmill and killing myself. If he had bothered to ask me my goals, he would know this. Instead I am cowering behind the elliptical machine every morning and dodging out of my own gym like it's the walk of shame or something.

*Actual quote from my trainer right before he enlightened me on his Gypsy heritage and the fact that Romanians hate Gypsy's for their superior ability to do squats and lunges. Seriously.

Friday, August 08, 2008


I can't even believe this John Edwards thing. OMG WTF. As the kids would say. I swear, when will these sanctimonious assholes stop lecturing everyone else about how to stay happily married and all that other BS when really they're out banging whatever adoring staffer comes along? I'm disgusted.

Let's see. What else is going on? Not much. The MS is acting up again. Numb left fingers, and numb legs from mid-thigh down. For all you people without multiple sclerosis (ie: probably everyone who reads this blog but me), "numb" is not the same as "paralyzed". It's more like wearing an oven mitt while trying to type. Your fingers are there, and you can feel them sense that they are still on your hand, you can move them, you can see them...the skin just feels like it's been liberally hosed down with novacaine. Which sounds fun, but isn't. So, anyway...I'm walking funny again. Sadly, no booze and no awesome story to go with the funny walk, unless you think brain herpes is funny. Which my husband totally does.

I am so excited my internet is back. I keep thinking of things to write about...and then when I didn't have the internet I would just come home and rant and rave until The Boy's eyes glazed over and then be passive aggressive for a week. Because I'm mature like that.

PS: The example labels that Google suggested for this post are "scooters, vacation, fall". Done.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008


Yeah. My internet has been down for like two months. I have just been too lazy busy with the wedding/reception/honeymoon to call the guy and have it fixed. As of today...fixed! So, I may be back on some kind of regular basis depending on if the internet holds out for more than five minutes. The nutshell of the past two months is: Wedding in Vegas - awesome. Reception in the backyard - Fun and stressful at the same time. Honeymoon - Relaxing, gorgeous, lots of booze. And I saw a whale. And dolphins. Woo!
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