Saturday, December 18, 2004

Bad Date #4...The Master of Surprise

UPDATE: By request in the comments, here are Bad Dates One, Two, and Three. You can expect Bad Date #5 tomorrow, and more stories are available if people are interested...just let me know. I could churn these out all I said in some of the comments, I'm nearly 30, twice divorced, and have dated pretty much all the losers in the Northern Hemisphere. OR, I could start in on ex-husband stories, which are even better. Either way, I'm happy to be here and proud to serve (a little Air Force joke for those of you out of the loop).

I was going to wait until Monday for the next bad date story, but I'm bored and my plane doesn't leave until tonight, so here is #4 of my Top 5 Bad Dates Ever (also, just so we're all clear, I have an INFINITE number of bad date stories, I could do this for the next three months...these five dates were arbitrarily chosen for being generally bad and being safe for work...I've got a couple bad date stories that are funny, but I'm not sharing with you pervs).

Bad date #4 was named David. David was an electrician working on the construction crew that was building a new atrium cafe place in the building I worked at. I met David shortly after I lost a bunch of weight because I had really amped up my running (10+ miles a day) and I was taking boxing lessons at a real boxing place...not tae bo...actual boxing. I was about to go into the Air Force and I wanted to be in great shape, and I was. Anyway, since I was then the thinnest I had ever been (and thinner than I will ever be again), I was pretty much at the top of my game in terms of being able to get a hot guy. Instead, I decided to go out with David.

David actually was pretty hot...he just looked like a hot construction worker guy, complete with toolbelt and hardhat. And he was tall, so hooray for that. On the other hand, David had the IQ of a dead gerbil. After we broke up I would come to find out that David was pretty much a total drug addict. However, I just thought he was really stupid and that's why he was always late, drove a super-old Ford Bronco with flames painted on the side and the word "MONSTER" on the windshield, and basically couldn't hold a conversation about anything but himself.

David was late. Always late. Sometimes an hour or two. This drove me nuts because I am completely anal about timeliness, but I figured we weren't serious so why bother nagging? Well, we had gone on maybe three real dates (all bowling or a movie) and he had come over a couple times to "hang out" (use your imagination), and so, on the particular night of the Bad Date I wasn't surprised when he was about forty minutes late. And just when I was about to call his cell phone and tell him not to even bother, the doorbell rings.

As I mentioned when I told you about Gene the Psycho, my studio apartment at this time didn't have a fisheye thing to look through, so basically I just had to open the door and see who was there. So, knowing that it was probably David, I opened the door.

And it was David. And a baby. A tiny infant child. I must have looked completely stunned because David goes "Oh, this is Cody." Cody? I go "Are you babysitting?" And David says "No, this is my son, didn't I tell you?" "UH NO! You must have forgotten to mention the fact that you have an INFANT." So, trying to stay calm, I say "Well, didn't. Um...I don't know what to say." David assures me that he just couldn't find a sitter, and so Cody, the INFANT, is going to dinner with us.

I think more out of sheer shock than anything else, I actually went to dinner with David and Cody. It was only across the street, so I figured I could escape if I needed to. As soon as we sit down, David goes "Yeah, I've got little Cody here, and my other son Dallas." WHAT??!!! Oh yeah, there's two kids I don't know about. I tentatively ask who the mother of these children is. And this is the best part, David goes "She's a total bitch. I left her when she was 8 months pregnant with Cody because she was cheating on me with some guy from her work." And I go "Oh, so you're divorced?" David, ever the master of surprise, goes "Well, not exactly. We got back together after Cody was born, and then we broke up when I met you."

OH MY GOD, I couldn't believe I a homewrecker! Further, David informs me that his WIFE is VERY pissed and I should probably be careful about parking my car at his house from now on, because she says if she sees it there she's going to key it. GREAT! AND, to top all of this off, just as I start to tell David that there is no way IN HELL that I am looking to get involved, at 23 years old, with a father of two who's STILL MARRIED to someone else, and also is as dumb as a rock, he has to go to the bathroom. So, he goes to the bathroom and leaves me with the kid. Who promptly starts screaming his head off because he's like TWO MONTHS OLD.

Every other person in the restaurant is staring at me like I'm the worst mother on the planet and I can't just get up and leave, I mean, there's an infant at the table...someone has to be there. I didn't know what to do, so I'm patting the kid and trying to give him toys and stuff. Finally David comes back from the bathroom and I just tell him I have to go, and walk right out of the restaurant and back to my house. The next workday he came to my desk and wanted to have a big dramatic blowout (Yeah, I'm the secretary for the CEO and the construction guy is causing a scene...classy), and he actually has he nerve to tell me that he wants me to NOT go into the Air Force and to stay in Albuquerque with him and his two little kids, and presumably his psycho (albeit with a good reason) wife. I told him to walk away and never talk to me again, and actually, the next day a couple of the other guys who worked with him who I had gotten to know came up and told me he was a total drug addict and I should be glad I was smart enough to get away when I did.

Another fabulous date brought to you by E. Spat.
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