Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Horror stories from the past make the present seem better!

I have been wracking my brain to think of something to write about besides exams, which are boring, even to me, but something I am currently obsessed with. But, after I put on my thinkin cap, I thought of this funny story that I told Larry awhile back and thought I would share with you. Maybe I'll even do a series, my Top 5 Bad Dates ever.

Anyway, for your enjoyment, one of my Top 5 Bad Dates ever.

I got set up on a blind date by a friend at work. I HATE blind dates (the origins of my hatred are TWO of my other Top 5 Bad Date Stories) because I inevitably feel like I can never live up to the other person's expectations. I just feel so...scrutinized. And, here's the sick part, if the guy actually acts like he likes me, that makes me even MORE uncomfortable. Why does he like me? What's wrong with him? Anyway, that's not important to the story.

So, I met this guy, we'll call him Joel (because I can't remember his name at all), at Starbucks in a Barnes and Noble, and had some coffee and he seemed very nice. He was tall...that's good. He wasn't overtly gay, misogynistic, married, or obsessed with tropical fruit or goats, all good. And, I can't remember what exactly he did, but it was something that paid well and was technical and had math. I heart geeks. All good. So, I tentatively agreed to go out with Joel for another "real" date the next weekend.

Over dinner at the "real" date, Joel turned out to be...just...not interesting. There was nothing wrong with him really, but he didn't think I was very funny (a sure sign of dementia...uh huh...I have a great personality!), he ordered something weird which I can't remember now, but it was strange, like a chicken sandwich with no bread and extra tomatoes and a side of capers or something. Then, and I do remember this, we went to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I am a chick, I thought this movie was SO funny. Joel didn't laugh ONCE. Not even a courtesy "you're laughing and so I'll laugh too in the hopes that it will get me on your good side and possibly get me mostly or totally laid in the near future."

After the movie we had a very awkward moment. Joel wanted to go get a drink. I wanted to go home and arrange flowers (read: try to get in touch with a local booty call I had on the backburner...because a girl always needs a backup plan). We compromised by going to my very favorite beer bar in San Antonio, a place where, literally, EVERYONE knew my name...The Flying Saucer. We got there and of course all my friends were there. I stopped and talked, silently begging my friends (all guys) with my eyes to give me SOME excuse to get away from Joel. Sadly, they were all drunk and oblivious, not so different from when they were sober I guess...but I was really desperately looking for a way out by then. Joel had started telling "funny" stories that were actually not funny at all, and kind of awkward...like "oh wow, we're so much alike, listen to this story that actually is nothing like you at all but will start sowing the seeds of resentment and anger deep within you."

I toldl Joel that I was SUPER tired and we should maybe just have one beer and then I needed to get home for bed, since I had to work the next day (hey, it was the military, I probably DID have to work the next day). Joel was like "oh, you're so great, let's have beer and talk and blah blah blah." So, we ordered some beer. I slugged back my Bitburger in like, 2.8 seconds. Joel daintily sipped his Guiness. I had another beer. Joel sipped. One more for me! Joel was still sipping.

Finally, Joel got done with his beer, and he was starting to look a little...peaked. He was kind of red and lumpy. And wheezing. "Um, hey Joel, are you OK man?" "Yeah, it's just that...I'M ALLERGIC TO BEER...I think I'm going into ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK." "WHAT!????"

Joel had to go to the hospital in an ambulance. Seriously. He tried to drive home but couldn't make it. I lived close by (close enough to walk...pretty tipsy at this point) and told him I would go straight home and wait by the phone for him to call and tell me he was OK and stuff. The next time I heard from him was in an email a couple days later asking me when we could get together again and telling me he had, in fact, lived through the episode.

I pretended to go home, even going so far as to wave and walk down the street away from the bar, so he would think I was appropriately saddened by how our "date" had turned out, but then sat in my car until I was sure he was gone, and, when the coast was clear, climbed the balcony fence (the bouncers all knew me, it wasn't like climbing a fence in a "bad way"...that's yet ANOTHER bad date story) and went right back into the bar and not only got completely shitfaced with my friends, but told them the whole Joel story, including the fact that he was apparently allergic to hops, but thought Guiness didn't have "as much" hops and didn't want to disappoint me because he knew I liked beer and also he "thought it would probably be OK" even though he KNEW that not only was he deathly allergic to hops, but the last couple of times he had tried it had ended the same way. I swear, that's what he told me! We all had a good laugh at Joel's expense.

I never talked to Joel again.

Why, in the name of sweet baby Jesus, would you drink beer, which you know you are DEATHLY ALLERGIC to, to impress a girl, when you could have done it by being interesting and laughing at the movie she liked and not telling stupid smarmy stories? WHY?

Next time I'll tell you about the time I had a blind date with a guy who was 5'3" and had hands the size of half-dollars.
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