FYI

de·onto·logi·cal: Ethical theory concerned with duties and rights.

This word is in my PR book so many times that I'm starting to think Martyn & Fox got some kind of kickback from Kant.

I'm semi-ashamed that I had to look up the definition, and then I had to read another thing about it to understand what the hell they were talking about. I'm not one of those people that ever put much effort into their skoolinn and I'm not afraid to admit that I do not understand most of the shit that people in my classes talk about with such ease. Like philosophical theories and whatnot.

I took Philosophy 101 in college (at Florida State University). My "professor" mostly talked about all the Ecstasy he was taking (relatively novel still in 1993 I think, or maybe I was just out of touch), and how it would give him 3-day erections and then he would look lasciviously out into the auditorium for some nice freshman girls to fondle. He also mentioned in passing his hatred of cops, and his experimentation with virtually every drug known to mankind and how "like, totally mind-expanding" drugs could be. I actually just went back and looked, and the guy isn't a faculty member there...I wonder now if he wasn't a grad student. Jesus. Back then I thought these people teaching my classes were so smart and accomplished and wonderful...now I realize they may very possibly have been people younger than I am now who did lots of drugs and probably read our papers aloud to each other for their own amusement. Damn.

Here's how long ago that was: I got a computer my last year of college (1998). Prior to that I used one of those word-processing typewriters that you could put a disk into and save stuff on. My parents bought it for me as the "best alternative" for getting papers and stuff done since "students don't need anything as fancy and expensive as a computer."

Anyhow, this post was meant to be short, and somehow became long. Still haven't written my Admin comment...I *think* he said as long as we got it in by the last day of class (Thursday) it would be counted as on time. Hmmmm...oh well, either way it's not getting done until tomorrow, so I guess I won't worry about it. I have 118 pages of typed notes from that class. It's the most notes I've ever taken in a law school class (normally after an entire quarter I have somewhere between 0-20 since I rarely take notes). I'm hoping that the copious notes bode well for reviewing this weekend. I still have to learn of all PR before Monday morning too, so that's sort of my first big task. Also, that would be a class where I have a grand total of ZERO pages of notes. Why do I do that? It's a mystery. But, thanks to the magical curve it's not a problem...somehow I always manage to pass. I think I have an above-average ability to shove a lot of info into my brain in a short period of time. I also ONLY work well under stress. For instance, exams are in less than a week, and I'm watching TV, blogging, and trying to figure out what deontological means, even though it's totally unnecessary in the grand scheme of PR. SLACKER -- Thy name is E. Spat!

Tuesday Spies ©

Yeah, I didn't feel like doing this on Friday. But, I spent a goodly part of the afternoon drinking a nice local microbrew, and I'm actively avoiding writing a comment for Admin that was due yesterday (OOPS!), so, I thought, why not do this right now? Thanks (as always) to the gentlemen (and lady, if she's still around) of BTQ.

1. What is the best thing about the city in which you live? What is the worst?

Best: The four days a year when it's not raining are beautiful. The public transportation rarely has touchers on it, mostly just talk-to-selfers and public fingernail-cutters. There are a lot of bars.

Worst: The hippies, oh GOD, the hippies.

2. Describe an idea or invention of yours that you would like to see turned into reality.

Glitter golf balls. Yeah, that's right...glitter...it's the only thing that could get me enthused about golf.

Mail-order husbands from Alaska (or some other place with way more men than women). Order up the man of your dreams off the internet and have him delivered in 7-10 business days right to your front door!!

3. Name an overrated author, musician, and movie. Name an underrated author, musician, and movie.

Overrated: Steven King, Eminem, Sideways.

Underrated: Jennifer Weiner (should be required reading for all women, everywhere), Johnny Horton (Folk music about the founding of this country...hell yeah!), Secretary (not sure if it's underrated, but I think more people should see it!).

4. If your life were a sitcom slated to air in the fall, what would the show be called? Who would you cast in the starring role? And for extra credit, give us a brief treatment of the show.

The sitcom of my life would be called "Margaritaville." (DUH!)

The starring role would be played by Sara Rue as she has red hair like moi, and is also the only actress in all of Hollywood who is not far to skinny to acurately portray me (HEY LOOK -- TWO misspelled words in one sentence, maybe three if I misspelled misspell. I just wanted you to know that I did indeed notice, but don't intend to fix it...instead I intend to write three entirely new sentences about it. -- Ed.). Sure, she gets typecast as the funny best friend all the time, but whatever, that's pretty much like my life anyway.

Here's my "treatment."

The main character, Jane (well, E. Spat sounds stupid!), would be a girl who, in the past, had a really responsible career, has two ex-husbands, and started law school only to drop out in her second year. After she drops out, she moves to a small island where she runs a bar and begins a career as a romance novel writer, basing her characters on the men she meets running the only bar on the entire island...mostly pirates and crazy fisherman. Eventually she becomes quite famous and rich from her filthy novels and moves back to the United States where she opens up a 500 acre no-kill animal shelter and has a kajillion doggies and kitties that she takes care of with her faithful cabana boy husband, Jean Carlos Demetrios Cartwright Anderssen dos Santos O'Sullivan IV.

5. When is the fun supposed to start?

If you find out, let me know...I'm hoping that it will be starting in less than two weeks in D.C.

Better watch my step, if the floor caves in, I'll go right straight to hell!

Let me set the scene for you.

I went downtown right after Admin to return my rental car. When I get to the place, there is this huge ass white van blocking the ONLY entrance into the garage, so I'm stuck behind them with the back of my car sticking out into oncoming traffic and blocking one entire lane almost. There is clearly room for the van to pull either all the way into the garage, or to pull up enough for me to get by. The side door is open and there's a lady doing something (I can't see her or what she's doing, only her feet under the door), and there's about 4 or 5 kids running around the inside of the van. This goes on for perhaps 5 minutes or so...enough time for the light behind me to change at least four or five times, and for traffic to get all messed up behind me and people to start honking. And then...

Me (to self): "G*DDAMNIT! What the F*CK is wrong with these stupid people...JESUS H. CHRIST."
Me (to self some more): Repeat above, only with more curse words and hand gestures.

People in van: Totally oblivious to the fact that they are blocking the entrance and screwing up an entire lane of downtown traffic.

Man to the rescue!

I see a man come running out of the garage and lean in the window to (presumably) tell the woman driving to move the van. The kids sit down and the other woman at the side door gets in and sits down as well. The man turns around and IT'S A PRIEST! The women in the van? NUNS! I'm sure the kids were orphans too...

Oh my god, I screamed profanities (at least the window was up) to a PRIEST and NUNS. I am so, for sure, double, triple going to hell for this.

But seriously, they don't teach these people to drive? Or have situational awareness?

Curiously Delicious!

I almost forgot, my parents gave me a digital camera...their old one. It's not SO new and fabulous, but it works, and I was happy to have it when I saw this sign today. I pulled into a gas station that had an A&W fast food place attached (why do people eat fast food at gas stations?). I got my Diet Coke, came out, turned to put my seat belt on, and saw this sign staring me in the face. I had to take a pic. It's just so...so...gross! And funny!

Back. Tired.

In case you care, I'm home. I'm tired. I have a group project to finish, get done, start...it's due tomorrow and was assigned one minute before class got out Thursday for the long weekend. LQ describes accurately where we're at with that.

I spent a LONG time in the car today...people are morons and suck and shouldn't be allowed to drive. Except me, because I'm awesome and a good driver and know how to merge and use my turn signal.

Anyway, I have to go get some work done...the quarter of "not keeping up" is now catching up with me and exams start a week from tomorrow. That's the THIRD set of exams this year for those of you keeping track.

PS: On a TV show right now is a married couple with a house done all in leopard print and a HUGE pic of Kurt Cobain on their living room wall...their daughter's name is Nirvana. Really. Maybe B. Spears is watching...I bet she's looking for awesome baby name ideas.

Because I am very, very, very immature...

Every time I drive by this place I laugh...because...well...I mean, look at the picture. It's called The Wienery!

A little town with BIG guns.

Here in Smalltownvilleburg, USA, the fact that it's Memorial Day weekend means it's time for the semi-annual Fully Automatic Machine Gun Fun Shoot. I told you about this last year, but in case you still didn't believe me, this year I took a picture.

The Memorial Day festivities include a host of river-based activities...we live directly on a beautiful river with Cat. III, IV, and IV+ whitewater rapids, as well as the usual community type activities like dances, 4-H stuff, street fairs and contests...plus "fun" things like face-painting and rooster-calling and whatnot. Unfortunately, today we are having monster thunderstorms...last night we had hail the size of gumballs...all the better to dent my rented with no extra insurance car. Anyhow, hopefully the rain will stop soon so the townfolk can get their party on.

Whatever

No Friday Spies today...maybe there will be Saturday Spies instead, or Monday Spies.

It's a beautiful day here, I'm going hiking in the mountains and then doing errands with my mom. We were going to go see Star Wars, but it's too pretty...we're going to go tomorrow instead.

I wonder sometimes how long I could quit blogging and still have people come back. A week? A month? I like blogging, and I love all the people I've gotten to know behind the scenes (well, almost all), but, today I thought about just quitting. No final farewell. No "goodbye, you've all been great" post. No "woe is me, I'm leaving for my own reasons that are mysterious and therefore all the more interesting" post. Just, never coming back. Weird huh?

I decided I didn't want to do that, so I will be back. But not until at least tomorrow.

Home...yay!

Made it home in one piece...what a gorgeous day to drive home! I saw all three of the major mountains between the TVPNM and here, and they were all snowcapped and beautiful and majestic and all that jazz. Mount St. Helens is not currently exploding, you'll be happy to know. Usually it's raining and foggy all the way home, so sunny and blue skies and just totally wonderful was, well...pretty wonderful.

I have to go do two suitcases full of laundry, and then catch up with the fam. I'll be back tomorrow-ish.

Apathy with a capital C-L-E-R-K-S-H-I-P

Here's the thing about clerkships...

I have to decide to apply by, well, next week. I have to turn in some kind of form to the Career Services Office'O'Doom and tell them who my faculty recommendations would come from, if I was indeed going to try for a clerkship.

Then, I have to get every piece of paper I fill out and every decision I make coordinated and rubber stamped by CSO throughout this entire process.

While looking over the faculty rec form, here's what I learned.

If I don't have stellar grades (check!) I shoud emphasize my Moot Court, Clinic, or Law Review/Journal experiences (uh....). I should also emphasize my relevant law school experiences (ummmm...do clerks play a lot of Bejeweled? ok....what about drinking? I can drink like nobody's business!).

And, pretty much right there is where I stalled out. I don't want to think about this until after exams...who schedules all this shit right in the middle of exam period? Oh yeah, people on the quarter system, that's who. I don't even think there are three faculty members who would write me a letter, or who know me well enough to. Why can't I just get excited about this...I think it would be pretty fun at a trial-level court, but I just can't bring myself to get on the ball. What's wrong with me?

Oh yay...more classes! more exams! A whole 'nother year!

I'm not sure how many of you watched the movie at the link in the post below this...but if you didn't, hurry up and do it...it has LEGOS, and SONGS, and HEARSAY EXCEPTIONS!

Other than that, I have been running around all day...I still have Admin homework, plus "packing" for my trip home tomorrow for Memorial Day (by "packing" I mean "sticking my dirty laundry in a trashbag")...and let's not forget I have exams starting a week from Monday -- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Since I have to go to school next year in order to solidify my future as a slave to my student loans, I thought I would register for classes...Winter and Spring quarters my schedule seems to kind of make sense, but Fall is apparently the Quarter'O'Random Classes, so, here we go:

Health Law
Technology Law and Public Policy
Introduction to EU Law
CrimPro

Yup...unless I get into some other classes, get an externship, or otherwise do some switching around, it's going to be a weird quarter.

The definitive hearsay movie event of the year!

OK folks...here it is! First, a little history.

My Evidence professor offered extra credit to anyone who did something creative within the realm of evidence...poems, stories, songs, movies, etc., the more creative, the more points. If you'll recall, I wrote a crappy poem. However, unlike me, there are actually talented people in my class, and this particular video was the standout extra credit project of the year. The maker of this fabulous piece of work is a 2L who was extremely nice to let me post this here after I totally contacted him blind, introduced myself on email, and told him about the blog and how great I thought his movie was. He's going the mysteriously anonymous route, so if you just have to tell him how awesome this movie is (aside from the comments which I assume he'll be checking), drop me an email and I will forward it along. Don't forget to turn the sound on...the song is the backbone of the whole experience!

Enjoy.

The Hearsay Exception Movie.

An extra special thank you to AI for hosting the video at Blawg Co-op so we can all enjoy it.

P.S. When I clicked the link it took about 15-20 seconds for the video to come up...let me know if you have problems with it or whatever...I'm hoping that even if a lot of people want to look at it nothing bad will happen, but my technological expertise is (as we all know) totally nonexistent. It's about a 3min movie...so it's fairly short.

Post sponsored by, McCormick & Murphy. 

Movies are fun!

I am very, very, very busy today...lots of Admin homework, plus the weather is BEAUTIFUL, so despite the fact that every sad little underdeveloped muscle in my body aches from my death march yesterday, I'm going to go out for a walk pretty soon.

I am working on something really cool for you though, with the help of AmbImb (expert on all things technological and blog related). I promised a long time ago to post one of the extra credit videos from my Evidence class, and today the maker of said video was able to get it to me, so I'm working on getting it all hosted or uploaded or whatever the kids call it (care of AI) and then hopefully if we can get it to work and whatnot there will be a link up soon. I think it's so funny, there's a song, and lego people, and cartoons...YAY! There's still a song I want to put up too but the guy hasn't been available to record it yet, maybe soon...who knows?

Anyway, hopefully this will all work out. I'll keep you posted.

The ratio of people to cake is too big.

Did anyone else see Tom Cruise on Oprah today? Ummmm...coming from a whole entire family line of manic depressives, I feel qualified to say that he seems a little manic. There's "happy" and "in love" and then there's "I am a screaming ball of roiling craziness." As we would say in the military, Tom was pinging. It was funny, but more funny-scary than funny-haha.

CHANGING TOPICS: My legs are so sore. WAH! Holy crap...it was a beautiful day and I got to walk down by the beach, and it was fun, but oh my God...I'm not sure my poor legs are going to forgive me anytime soon. I drank a Diet Coke at 8pm with my microwave lasagna (yes, I really am that pathetic), and I still KNOW I am going to sleep like a baby. A baby who dreams about the hot Marine she saw running in his short shorts today. Yummy.

I may never walk again!

I went for a walk today with a friend from school who suggested we go to a local park and do more of a "hike." Boy, am I a total idiot! It was full of crazy mountains and I swear to God I think the whole thing was uphill. By the end I was so tired I could barely move my legs. There was only one solution, a stop at a local pirate themed bar. Fun! I only had one beer seeing as how I have homework to do, but it was really cute and the beer was fab.

On the upside, this guy ran by on the trail we were on that HAD to be a Marine and he made the whole thing worthwhile...if I hadn't been laying on the ground dying of exhaustion I would have turned around and tried to grab his ankles and trip him or something. I bet you thought I would say "run after him." But no. Because I will probably be unable to walk again for at least three days.

I figured out I have to read about 75 pages of PR a night for the next two weeks to make up for the fact that I haven't opened the book all quarter. How come PR doesn't seem important? I know it is, but I feel like it should be more like a weekend seminar than a whole class...it doesn't much seem like anyone is engaged and there are a lot of empty seats every day (including mine more than I want to admit). I hope it all comes to me in the next two weeks.

I'm so tired!

A two-tone Ricky Ricardo jacket...

A glimpse into what it's like to be me.

LQ: "Hey, you're not wearing a hooded sweatshirt today, what happened?"

Me: "Yeah, I'm going home this weekend so I haven't done laundry. I only had nice things to wear."

Time flies when you're laying on the couch like a big lazy bum!

I can't believe that three weeks from tomorrow I will be done with exams and starting my first day of work in D.C. Freak out! Literally.

I'm sitting here freaking out. Three sets of exams a year is frigging inhuman, and all of the sudden it hit me that they're here in like two weeks. On a happy note, I got a little survey from the school about switching from quarters to semesters and let me tell you, they are going to be so sorry they sent it to me...I had, uh...quite a few things to say. Made me feel, if not immensely better, moderately happy to rain on their little parade. Does that make me a bad person?

At any rate, I think I have to start making a list or something to help alleviate the stress. There is a whole host of house/school/work to-do's that need to be checked off.

If anyone has an opinion about what a nice girl like me should wear for her summer internship at a conservative government agency, leave a comment or drop me an email. I asked them and they had a female attorney email me and she was very helpful and said basically the men wear suits every day and the women mostly wear something less than a suit but keep a jacket on hand in case they get called into a meeting or something. Does this mean I can wear skirts with just a button down shirt tucked in? Sweater sets (I hear sweater sets)? HELP!

Lazy days...

It is SOOOOO beautiful here today, right this minute. What makes this so awesome is that when I went out for my walk today I got totally rained on...and not just a light sprinkle...torrential downpour type rain. As soon as I came home and had nowhere else outside to go, the sky got blue, the sun came out and all of the sudden it was spring again.

I have SO much Admin reading to do tonight...I'm not sure why I wasted the whole weekend just drinking and hanging around on the couch, I think I have the end of the year doldrums or something. There's really nothing like thinking about the fact that your THIRD set of finals is coming up. FUN!

I am looking forward to heading home for Memorial Day. I hope the nice weather holds up -- so much nicer driving through the mountains without the pouring down rain and gale force winds. I'm heading out Thursday and coming home Monday....a nice long weekend which unfortunately will have to be at least partially spent reading and outlining. But, oh well, better than nothing, right?

I still have to figure out what kind of clothes to buy for the summer internship, guess I'll go shopping after exams but before I leave. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the Beefster for the summer...he needs a home and so far no one is seeming like they're going to jump on babysitting duty, so guess I'll be putting some thought into that in the next couple weeks. Poor little guy...he must feel so unloved!

New cell phone hotness

I got a new cell phone today...it's RED and SHINY and BEAUTIFUL! The first thing I did was download the CHiPs theme song for a ringtone. Next I think I might try the theme from Greatest American Hero. Remember that show? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEElieve it or not, I'm walking on AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR!

My friend and I went to the mall on a very spur of the moment trip to look at suits since we both need to buy a couple for the summer. I tried on a MILLION suits, give or take.

I am happy that I seem to have gone down one pants size, which is cool and helps me be able to fit in cuter stuff. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I haven't gone down a corresponding top size...nope, still looking like a broad shouldered Dolly Parton. It's so awesome to think I'm going to get to buy suit coats three sizes too big for the rest of my life and then pay yet MORE money to get them altered.

I did try on this one suit that was so freaking great, I almost died. It hugged all the right places and just totally ignored the bad places. It was like it had been trained by a suit fabrice master...thighs? What thighs? Unfortunately it was just a tiny smidge too tight and, if I was on primetime TV it would have actually been OK, but, it was maybe just a wee bit risque for the conservative summer job.

Now, I'm going to sit and mess with my new phone all night and try to get all the fun stuff on it I can...I've been using Fraggle Rock as my ringtone for about two years, so it's time to find something new and campy.

I really wish I didn't have to keep telling myself this...why can't I pay attention?

Dear Self,

We've had this talk before. Just because you are the wee little bit-iest hungover is no reason to torture yourself like this.

No good ever came of a movie where Shannon Elizabeth goes on a low-carb diet to "lose weight" and describes some guy as "you know, THAT guy, the one no girl could ever be good enough for...especially me!"

Oh yes, the horrors of being Shannon Elizabeth. It must be so hard! What a trooper to endure the sheer wretchedness of it all, I only wish we could all be so brave in the face of adversity.

I want you to promise to quit doing this to...uh...yourself. And this time mean it!

Yours truly,

E. Spat.

PS: Lifetime Movie Channel is the devil.

Yeah, I'm drunk again...so what? Wanna fight?

I went to three separate bars tonight. One with some law school people, one transitional bar, and one for a good friend's birthday party. At the transitional bar, an Australian place, who in the audience is surprised to learn a guy with a girlfriend put the total moves on me? Wait, raise your hands so I can count...no one, seriously?

Then, this dude's Australian friend (no offense THL) goes "Well, if it makes you feel better, if I didn't have a girlfriend too I would TOTALLY sleep with you!"

Actually...NO...that does not really make me feel better, but thanks anyway.

God.

I commented to my friend on the way home that I should open a private investigation office where I scope out men to see if they're cheating on their girlfriends or wives or whatever...I mean, it's like, if I even walk NEAR a bar, men are almost compelled to come out to the sidewalk and hit on me and then admit they already have someone in their lives. What the hell?

UPDATE: I know you were all wondering, and YES, I was wearing my pink flower embroidered cowboy boots tonight...so that MAY POSSIBLY explain the plethora of male attention. Mostly it seemed like it confused people, but hey, whatever.

Huh?

I'm laying on my couch, enjoying my post-exam stupor, and on TV is the new Shakira video for a song called "La Tortura."

In the video she first dances around dripping in what looks like motor oil. Then she cuts an onion and cries. Then she holds a tomato and when her lover comes up behind her and begins to, uh...you know...she looks confused and squeezes the tomato until it breaks open. Then she dances in the motor oil some more and does a lot of pelvic gyration. Then her and the guy stare at each other through their apartment windows while his wife (or girlfriend) sleeps.

I don't get it. Does he fantasize about her dancing covered in motor oil? That's weird. I'm very, very confused. Kids these days and their music, I'll tell you, I don't understand it!

Friday Spies ©: The "Would You Rather" Edition

***Subtitle: The Friday Morning Hangover Edition***

From BTQ...just like always.

Would You Rather:

1. Live alone on a deserted island for 10 years or be paid to live at Neverland Ranch with the King of Pop for one year?

Definitely the deserted island. I have literally NO tolerance for most annoying things in life, and I have to think that M.J. and Neverland would pretty much max out my annoying meter in like one day. I can't live like that. Besides, according to some other meme that I did a while back, I get to take five books with me when I go to the deserted island, so maybe I could learn Italian or how to fold origami or something useful like that.

2. Be deaf or blind?

I would choose deaf. It seems much harder to be independent when you're blind...you have to worry about people shortchanging you when you give them money, you might get hit by a car crossing the street, you'd have to learn a whole new way to do most things in life...you wouldn't even be able to check out hot guys!! (horrors!)

Deaf on the other hand doesn't seem like it would impact your life as much...but, I'm not deaf or blind so who am I to make that proclamation? I really, really, really love to read and I think the one thing I would miss if I was blind would be reading. If I was deaf I would probably miss being able to talk to my friends and family and hear their voices...that would suck. This question is kinda depressing.

3. Have skin which changed color depending on your mood or visible sight lines?

Since my skin already changes color depending on my mood thanks to my Irish heritage (any one of my friends will attest to this...also, the judges in appellate advocacy pointed it out BOTH nights..."oh goodness, you REALLY got red!"), I guess I'll take visible sight lines. I never look anywhere besides right into someone's eyes anyway...I would never crotch watch, that's so low-class.

4. Spend a year in prison or a year on tour with Celine Dion and John Tesh?

Normally I would go for prison, since I think Celine Dion is a shrieking blight on the planet, and John Tesh is...well...GOD, he's John Tesh...he plays the electronic keyboard or something right? HOWEVER, I will make an exception here because there is no way I could deal with prison. I cannot trade sexual favors for cigarettes, be locked in a small room and unable to move around, go to the bathroom in an open cell...oh my god, FREAK OUT...no way could I make it even one day in prison. So, I guess it's the Dion-Tesh Tour'O'Wretchedness for me...I can always buy earplugs right?

5. Have a threesome with people you know or total strangers?

I have really never understood people that have sex in front of other people they know, that just seems bizarre to me. I'm not really the threesome type at all, but if I have to choose then I want total strangers. Preferably strangers from another country who will be sent back to their country of origin immediately after the "experience" where I will never have to worry about seeing them again. If it was people I knew I would never be able to look at them again...of course, if I did it at all I would never be able to look at MYSELF again, so there's that to think about I guess.

My contribution to the eye meme.

Alright already...I'm on the bandwagon. I reserve the right to take this down if it starts to freak me out too much because I think people might recognize me...what can I say...paranoia rules the day. Also, my eye is a little scrunchy because I was smiling REAL REAL hard in this picture to convey my happiness at wearing my new glasses. Normally they're a little more open then this. Really. But, aren't those rhinestones snazzy?



Exam is done. I am as curiously unenthused after finishing as I was before I started. Good, bad, or ugly...at least it's done.

Detention, rendition and torture, oh my!

Yeah, still trying to get my ass in gear for my Law and Terrorism exam tomorrow. 23 hours and counting. Went to a study group all afternoon and that was actually pretty helpful, especially when they helped me figure out I was missing one entire supplement and that's why I had no idea what was going on in an entire section of the syllabus. Still not outlining. Still making no effort to try to read the half the book that is, as yet, unread. Still not really caring if I do good or bad. I'm telling you, it's unnatural to have exams at times other than exam week. Where's the stress? Where's the bad eating and the lack of sleep and the caffeine overdose? I'm just not feeling it. In fact, I have every intention of watching the two-hour Alias season finale tonight...I might open my book on the coffee table just to make myself feel better, but, then again, maybe not.

I'm gonna put in two hours and then it's walk time.

I've been thinking of lots of good stuff to blog about...maybe tomorrow night after the exam or Friday before post-exam happy hour starts I'll try to put something not crappy up around here. But, once again, maybe not. Also, it just occurred to me that the one good thing about two exam periods is two post-exam drinking periods...YAY! Finally, a bright side!

As a last aside, here's a little story for ya's.

Riding in the elevator this morning with Dean 'o' the Law School and he asks how I'm doing. Because I'm standing there stooped over under the weight of twenty kajillion books I go "Well, you know...just standing here with my 500 ton backpack on." Then he goes "Hey, you need to look on the bright side!" So, in my usual eloquent and respectful way, I go "Yeah, on the bight side I'm building up my muscles in case the only job I can get after law school is as a sherpa!" He didn't laugh though. So uptight.

We can't handle the truth...

Just saw Whorebag Federline-Spears on TV trying to talk up her new show...she says the "funniest parts" are when she's "disillusional." I think that kinda speaks for itself.

UPDATE: The funniest part, in the ten minutes I bothered to watch, was the fifteen times B. Spears told EVERYONE, and I mean every-damn-one, how many times she'd had sex that day and how awesome the sex was. I don't think there was anyone that she met that she didn't assault with her "story." "Guess what ya'll? I had sex THREE TIMES TODAY! Three times! And it was great ya'll!" At one point she asks, on camera, if Kevvie-poo wants to "stay home and f*ck all day." Yeah, it's so awesome that this personal testament to the dignity of your love could be put on TV for all of America, and also your MOM and DAD to see. Classy.

Where's my Freedom Toast?

I think my ear canals are deformed. No matter what kind of headphones I get they hurt and don't seem to fit in my ears. I'm damaged goods!

In other news, this woman is on Oprah selling her book, French Women Don't Get Fat. She is perhaps the most annoying woman I've had to listen to in like a week at least. She's all French and perky and "ooooh oui, no no no, you must savor every bite, you must learn to take pleasure in the simple deliciousness of food and eat off beautiful china for every meal and appreciate the joy of living...American women, you are so, so, GIGANTIC and LOUD and DISGUSTING!"

Whatever. Me and my deformed ears are going for a walk. Then we're going to come home and eat dinner the American way, on a paper plate in front of the television while surfing the internet, screeching into a cell phone, and gulping down every bite without chewing or even tasting it. That'll show her.

I'll let you get back to Reginald's quivering member.

I am eating grapes for dessert.

Yeah, you heard me right. I'm pretending they're ice cream.

I'm also pretending that I don't have an exam in two days by watching TV and blogging (and eating grapes) while simultaneously pretending that James Spader is on his way over here to make me a drink and spend the rest of the night attending to my every wanton desire.

Have you ever noticed reality kinda sucks?

Also, I just finished a romance novel my mom lent me. My MOM read this? Oh my GOD, it's just so...so...DIRTY! How can my mom read this? Does she know these words? WHY did she lend it to me? Didn't she know that then I might know that she knows these words?

There was......oral copulation in this book! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My mom does not know about that. NO! Delicate flowers of love were coaxed into bloom. Sweet, sweet soul shattering love was made. ALOT. Kitchen tables were soiled with the hedonistic call of passionate pleasuring. Frothy peach negligees were ripped off. Nubile young women were overcome with the sheer wonderment at all their body could feel when touched by the magical hands of a rock-hard man with a heart of gold.

Good lord. I can't believe my mom reads this stuff. I mean, sure, I read this stuff...but my MOM? Jesus.

Also, on a totally different subject, today I was out walking with my friend when some dirty looking chick and her creepy boyfriend walked by and all I could think to say was "OHMYGOD, even that CRACKWHORE has a boyfriend...I haven't been on a date in like, two years. WAHHHHHHHH!!!!"

I'm shocked! No, not really.

You scored as Existentialist. Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Man is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility. Existentialist 69% Romanticist 63% Cultural Creative 56% Idealist 44% Modernist 38% Materialist 38% Postmodernist 38% Fundamentalist 13% What is Your World View? created with QuizFarm.com

h/t Que Vado

I am Article 1

Today when I walked into Admin my name was on the board. First. My job was to be Article 1. Some other person was Article 2 and yet another was, you guessed it folks, Article 3. While I fumbled through my backpack for my handy pocket Constitution so I could figure out which one was Article 1, Prof Admin starts asking me a few warm-up questions.

PA: "Ms. Spatula, which section of Article 1 would you like to be?"
Me: "Uhhhh....ummmmmm..."
Girl next to me shoves pocket Constitution in my face and suggests I be Section 1.
PA: "Well?"
Me: "Ummm...she says I should be Section 1, looks good to me...it's only one sentence, I can handle that."
PA: "I see."

After we get through this painful exercise Prof. Admin moves on to my next task (he's eternally optimistic obviously).

PA: "Ms. Spatula, why is the Executive even concerned with what's happening with this Agency?"
Me: "Well, ummmmm, you know, uhhhh...agencies are just kind of the President's 'thing', you know?"
....class laughing...at me, not with me....
PA: "No, no...you are absolutely right, I like it...agencies are the President's thing. Indeed!"

After this it got a little better. I never did figure out why I was Article 1 or what I was supposed to be doing. I had done the reading so I basically just rambled after every question with the hope that I was hitting the high points. I honestly feel like I set the tone for the class though, because another guy got called on and started flipping through his book looking for the answer and Prof. Admin goes "Don't bother, you won't find the answer in the book", and the student goes "I know, I'm stalling." The professor just laughed and said "You guys can just TELL me you need a minute to think! Geez!"

Anyway, now I must get busy reading the 40 pages for tomorrow, GOD FORBID I get called on two days in a row, and then on to Law and Terrorism...still trying to mentally convince myself there's an actual exam in less than three days.

The North American Overcooked Ass-tasting Blech Fish

I tried to make salmon for dinner...it was an unmitigated disaster.

This is made all the more embarrassing for me by the fact that, literally, across the street from me lives a fellow law student who is a longtime commercial fisherman from Alaska and who would probably blow out an artery if he saw what I did to this poor piece of fish. I think he's still out of town this weekend so I didn't bother to call and ask for advice. I should have called.

Then, despite the fact that it totally tasted like fish ass when I was done cooking it, I ate it anyway because, hey, it was expensive and I'm poor. It won't kill me, but damn, I coulda spent that money on pizza and beer or something. Blech.

Just Because: Josh Holloway

Some of you will recognize Josh as "Sawyer" from the TV show Lost. I Some of you, but not me, will recognize Josh from his appearances in a few of your dirtier dreams. Enjoy.

Prowkrastinayshun

Today I have done laundry, cleaned up my apartment, written a HUGE rant about law school that I may or may not post sometime in the future, read a little bit of the romance novel I'm in the middle of, emailed people, checked my site statistics to see how many people have been here today (only 84 so far), eaten Cocoa Krispies, drank 2 Diet Cokes, cleaned out my scented oil burner, fed the fish, mopped the kitchen floor, vacuumed, and taken out the trash.

I have not opened my Law and Terrorism materials as yet. I also have a SHITLOAD of Admin reading to do. Yeah. Why can't I just force myself to do this?

I am not making an outline for L&T, I'm just rereading the course materials (about 1000 pages) and trying to figure out where the material is for each of the main subjects (Material Witness Warrants, Detention, Habeas, Torture, Rendition, Tribunals) and what the cases are for each of those subjects (when there are cases....sometimes it's just a New York Times article or whatever). It's a nebulous class with no real structure so I'm hoping that once I see the question I'll have a chance to sort of thumb through the materials and refresh my memory. The lack of definitive legal boundaries in this area means that any question he asks is going to have to be mostly policy...and I feel like that won't be too bad.

At any rate, I still have some procrastination measures up my sleeve...gotta go grocery shopping and for my walk (if it quits raining). One day I'll magically turn into one of those people who does stuff ahead of time and is always organized and on top of all their tasks and whatnot. I just know it.

Two Page Resume: Practical Solution or Surefire Path to Hell?

Thankfully I am not hungover today -- but, unfortunately I still have an exam in just a few days, so gotta get the old nose back to the grindstone. In the meantime, here's a question for all the lawyer readers in the house...

Two page resume...ok or not?

I have my Air Force stuff, plus last year's summer job, plus my job during school this year, plus now I'll have this year's summer job...plus three schools (BA, MA, JD). The writing is already getting tiny, so what if I made the resume more like 1.5 pages with the bottom half of the second page for references? Career Services seems to think the two page resume is pretty much up there with bestiality and necrophilia in terms of its general non-acceptability...any opinions from the people out there in the "real" world?

drunk

drunk.

that is all.

i heart the chimay. and the bar that has the chimay. booze, booze, booze. heh. beer!

FYI

My official legal opinion is that the Bybee memos, all 9 kajillion pages of them, which I am reading in anticipation of my final on Thursday, are very, very boring. Also, I found not one but TWO typos. FOR SHAME.

The librarians keep making announcements that it's almost closing time. At 5:45 they flash the lights. Seriously. Listen up people, I don't care where you go but you can't stay here.

In other library news, some dude answered his freaking cell phone today when it rang and proceeded to have a conversation. If someone could die from about 500 evil eyes being shot in his direction, this guy would have spontaneously combusted or something.

In other E. Spat mental health news, today was kind of shitty, but, after a day of torture memos, detention memos, and frankly, more Geneva Convention than one girl can handle, I'm off to beer it up with a friend of mine. We're heading to a bar that I was told by another friend is full of "hunky Australian guys with accents." So there.

Friday Spies ©

I don't know why, but I always forget to say I got this from BTQ. Why do I forget? Is it the aspartame? We may never know. Here's Friday Spies anyway. I hope I'm not forgetting anything else, but I probably am.

1. If you could change any element of your physical appearance, would you? If so, what would you change? If you could change any aspect ofyour personality would you? Of course, who wouldn't?

Physically I would want to be less chubby, obviously! I mean, in America what could be worse than being fat, even if only marginally so? I would want to be whatever size would make people stop going "You're just big-boned!" I'm not big-boned. I'm pudgy. But, thanks for playing. I want to be cute and small and girly and all those things that boys like, instead of tall and solid and always probably making people think of someone who would look really at home working a farm or something.

Personality wise, I think I would like to be more reserved. I am a chatterer, and pretty much always at top-volume, and for whatever reason, that makes people not like me. It seems that especially here in law school, the appropriate personality is reserved.

I would want to be able to trust people more, and to have an easier time making good friends. I want to be more organized and procrastinate less (like, say, doing this instead of outlining). I would like to be confident, to be one of those women who just always thinks she looks good and deserves the best in life...I think that would be a great personality to have.

2. Name a good make-out song (I believe the kids these days would call that "baby-making music").

Try A Little Tenderness, Otis Redding, #11 on his greatest hits CD.
Anything by Jill Scott
Son of a Preacher Man, Dusty Springfield
Anything by Bob Marley
Sexual Healing, Marvin Gaye

Sorry...I could go on and on...I heart making out.

3. What did Britney say to Kevin when she found out she was pregnant? What was his response?

B: "Look baybeeeeeee, I'm, like, all knocked up and shit."
K: "You WHORE, how could you? And with FRED DURST? Jesus!"
B: "It's yours dumbass."
K: "Oh, I'm so excited, you're going to be the best mom ever...can I have some money to go to Vegas with my friends...I don't want to be the only one that can't afford a whore. PLEEEEEAAAASSSE!!!"

4. Did Oswald act alone?

I don't know. I have no theory. I did have a big crush on Oswald on The Drew Carey Show though.

5. Are you superstitious? Do you believe in luck, karma, fate, the supernatural, etc?

Let me tell you a little story.

My first husband cheated on me. A lot. With everyone he could find. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he never let marriage cramp his dating style whatsoever.

Eventually, he started f*cking this girl who was the fiance of a guy he worked with. He moved in with her approximately one week after he left me, and then spent two years begging me to come back to him and promising to leave her if I would just take him back so we could "start over."

Even though it was the most horrendously painful time of my life, since I had really thought we were soulmates and all that jazz, and so many times I just wanted to take him back, because, well, that's what abused women do, I never did thanks mostly to support from my family and especially M.

He married this girl. They had a baby together. He cheats on her. I know he does because, well, of course he does!

He is now accused of some very terrible crimes, most of which involve the victimization of women, and his wife has to go to court with him and stand there and listen to all the horrible things he's done.

So, do I believe in karma? You bet'cha.

Don't get me wrong, the wife and kid are clearly not responsible for his criminal behavior, but, he is going to go to prison for a long time, and frankly, she knew me...she knew he was married to me, she looked me in the eye so many times and knew she was f*cking my husband and didn't even blink, so, aside from the kid, I don't feel too sorry for him or for her. All of this might be different if it had been handled differently by them, or if I hadn't been 21 years old losing my first true love, or if he hadn't been abusive, or whatever...but, overall, yeah, not a lot of sympathy for either of them.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda

What I should have said on the bus this morning and that has been bugging me all damn day.

Sir,

I know you want to read your newspaper on the bus in the morning. Kudos to you for trying to expand your horizons and keep up with current affairs. How about that pilot in the White House airspace, huh?

However, if you don't get your elbow out of my ribs I am going to rip your arm off and use it to beat you until you are either dead or so perilously close to death that you will beg me to finish the job and end your suffering.

You've been warned.

Have a nice morning and enjoy your paper.

E. Spat.

They could be fascist anarchists, it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car.

Half the people who responded to this USA Today poll said they use prayer to control pain. I often use prayer to control things like "hangovers" and "consequences to my actions." I think if I ever get to heaven God might go, "So, did you ever get that room clean like you promised? What about laying off the vodka? Did that ever happen?"

In other news, I hate the three weeks earlier than usual exam. I'm just not in exam mode yet...I'm still in that place where I'm just totally lazy and disgusting until right before it becomes absolutely urgent to start studying lest I fail out of school. Oh well, who says I can't get a quarter's worth of reading and outlining done in the next three days? Maybe if I pray...

A picture so wretched I actually forgot to put a title on this post the first time I hit publish!

Remember when I told you a while back that I saw Priscilla Presley on Oprah and she looked like a voracious zombie husk of her former self? I bet none of you believed me, but now I have photographic proof! Instead of outlining, I found a pic of her from that show, and an old pic of her (strangely endorsing some weird Scientology machine). I threw one in I found by Googling as well that shows the further awfulness of the plastic surgery.

Tell me she doesn't look SO. AWFUL. This is what Whorebag Federline-Spears is going to look like in a couple decades.

The final countdown...

My first exam is one week from tomorrow...time to start getting serious...BOO! My last two are June 6 and 7, and then...OFF TO D.C.!!!

I haven't bought a plane ticket yet, because, well, I'm lazy. And poor. But, and consider this an open call, I start work that next week (June 13th) and will be in D.C. until mid-August (or so). SOOOOOO...it's time for the second annual "Let's Meet and DRINK BEER" summer festival. Last summer I only got to meet one person, AmbImb, and unfortunately not until right before I left...but, it was great to put a face with the name and we had a fun lunch together.

This summer my job seems like it's going to be totally fun...they already arranged to take us to a baseball game and some other fun field trips that I can't talk about or it'll totally give away where I'm working, but trust me, SO AWESOME!

So, I'm counting on my D.C. area readers to not let me go through another boring summer chatting on IM with friends back here instead of being out drinking and ogling boys in suits...don't let me down!

BAHAHAHAHA

I am sitting here semi-drunk, eating tator tots, and watching Entertainment Tonight (all I need is a trailer to make this night complete)...and there is a whole big thing about Alan Thicke, of Growing Pains "fame" marrying his girlfriend. Supposedly she's a Brazilian supermodel, but really she looks like Flossie the Horsefaced Girl. Damn, a supermodel? Really?

Pop Quiz

True or False?

I have been drinking for the better part of the afternoon and am foregoing Admin in lieu of BEER?

YAY for beer!

Oh man, I told some great stories at the bar too, if you guys ever meet me in person, you too can hear the awesome drunken exploit stories.

And, to answer the comments to the post below this...girls LOVE to ogle. Ogle, ogle, ogle. It's my favorite pastime after the beer. BEER!

The saga continues...aka: I'll Shut Up About This Soon -- I Promise!

I filled out my forms and turned them in. The little statement above the signature line says "Everything on this form is true to the best of my knowledge." I can honestly say that to the best of my knowledge everything I wrote on the form is true. I probably wouldn't want to go into what "best of my knowledge" may or may not include...but that's a fight for another day. After talking to the law school financial aid guy, I think that my main problem is my veteran's benefits, which throw the whole system off since they aren't counted as income on the FAFSA yet are essentially a monthly income source...this apparently effs up the whole system and throws up a big red flag. The rest of it is a mystery to me, but, I tried to follow the instructions I got from all the offices I visited, and if I made mistakes they were totally not in bad faith, so guess that's going to have to be good enough for the time being.

On a completely different note, I think I've talked about this before, but why do people run into me all the time like I don't exist or they can't see me?

I am tall. I am...uh...not petite. I have red hair. I have presence people, presence! And yet, when I walk down the street or the hall it's like I don't exist.

You may not know this, but my first exam is next week and as yet, the professor has basically said nothing about what might be on it, nor has he covered any significant portion of the typewritten syllabus, or given us even a nugget of substantive law. I have kind of a bad feeling about this.

It's dreary here today. I feel kind of...blah. Hopefully once I get out of class I can go for my (now) daily walk if it's not pouring and that will perk me up. Or maybe I'll see a cute cabana boy in the library I can ogle. I heart ogling.

The "I can't concentrate on anything right now" post

So, I am trying to both catch up on my Admin reading AND complete my financial aid paperwork, and basically doing a not-good job on both tasks.

What is MORE shocking to me than the fact that the financial aid office PROBABLY overpaid me last year (at least according to their "budget" of what I should be able to live on) is that I lived on less than $20K last year, including a summer in D.C. and a lot of additional expenses (like my two monstrous cavities).

Here are some other shocking things:

I spent over $1000 last year on student health insurance and have yet to have a SINGLE claim fully approved by them. They didn't pay for my bloodwork during my little health scare this year, they didn't pay for my cavities, they didn't pay for my glasses or the majority of my vision screening, they didn't pay for my wrist brace for my carpal tunnel, or the diagnostic appointment for my CT, they didn't even pay for my annual, uh, woman's appointment (sorry guys). Seriously. Why the f*ck do I give them money?

I am 30 years old and am completely unable to understand (a) how my taxes and FAFSA work, and (b) how to get my FAFSA, Veteran's benefits, and taxes to all line up, monetarily speaking. None of them match, none of them make sense. When I told the guy at the financial aid office I was confused he was like "Well, why are you confused? What's so confusing about this?" and I'm standing there feeling like a moron and thinking "Why AREN'T YOU confused?"

I am forced by the financial aid gurus to justify all my expenditures for a given calendar year on a photocopied form with absolutely no backup or receipts or anything...why bother? It's not like I have to prove anything I'm saying. It's not even an official looking government form threatening you with huge ass fines and a fate worse than death if you lie on it...even the military can do better than that!

That *I* am far more upset by the prospect of all my records not being right, and my financial aid possibly being screwed up, then ANYONE at the financial aid office. Oh wait, this one isn't shocking at all.

Finances schminances

So, I went to Financial Aid first this morning to try to work my way through the morass that is my financial aid situation.

My first (and according to them, biggest) problem is that my FAFSA was late. They didn't have a record of the appeal I submitted last week. After I pointed out to them that I HAD submitted it, they found it, filed under the wrong year. Great. It (obviously) hasn't been reviewed yet.

My second problem is this little "audit" (for lack of a better word) that I have to complete. Apparently, because GI Bill/Veteran's benefits do not register on the FAFSA as "income", and are tax free, my FAFSA shows that I had basically no income last year. This is a problem because the financial aid office says they have to understand how I am paying my bills when there is no income reported. So, regardless of the fact that I probably did my FAFSA and my taxes wrong (OOPS!), the financial aid office says if I fill out this form correctly that's the most important thing. Of course, since I'm probably only getting the bare minimum of aid from the school due to the late FAFSA unless a miracle happens with the appeal, I'll be getting private loans anyway.

What I'm saying is that it's a big old mess and stresses me out. I didn't go to any of my classes today, I'm going to sit here and finish these forms, and then, for fun, I get to register for next years classes...waiting lists, here I come!!!

Plus, I don't feel good. WAH!

Back, but not really.

I got home in one piece. I am tired, cranky, and freaked out about my financial aid audit situation. I'll be back tomorrow after what is sure to be a harrowing morning in the den of Satan. Let's just hope that I didn't make any math mistakes that are going to end up making my life miserable later (or sooner for that matter).

Why can't they just give me my money and go away?

I got an email from Financial Aid telling me they got my "new" FAFSA, but before they'll process it they want me to fill out all these forms that are basically an audit of the year 2004. All the money I received, and all the money I spent. You should see this form, it's ridiculous...who remembers (or keeps track) of all the money they spent in a year? I can figure out the money that went out for fixed expenses, and major stuff...but everything else, puh-leaze.

I read somewhere that Dept. of Education "audits" 30% of the FAFSA's that come up with Estimated Family Contributions of $0 every year at random...I guess maybe that's what this is since the notice came about 2 minutes after the notice from my school that they'd received my FAFSA.

Have any of you ever had to do one of these?

Also, I checked my financial aid "balance" today while trying to figure out these forms...$49K so far, one year left to go...probably hit $80-90K once it's all said and done and the bar is taken, etc (plus my credit card debt which is basically out of this world thanks to two ex-husbands and a lot of bad choices in my early and mid-twenties). This is the first time I have seriously felt freaked out about spending all this money and potentially not getting a job.

Trip down memory lane.

As I mentioned at some point (or maybe I didn't, who can remember), I am considering selling my engagement/wedding rings since they just sit around and collect dust, and they're probably worth about $4K or so. I don't have any of the information, and appraisals are expensive, so, since my ex (#2) and I are still friends I asked him if still knew where he bought the rings so I could call and see if they had any paperwork on file. He wrote me back tonight and it was really weird.

In my email I told him I felt strange and self-concious for asking, but we've been divorced for over three years, and there's no animosity between us really, so I just decided to ask. He said that I shouldn't feel bad and he totally understood and that he'll always consider me family and wish me well. He also said his wife has recently gone through two miscarriages. That makes me really sad. He was kind of a crappy husband, but I always thought he'd be a good dad...the fun kind that really gets into it. He was a really good dog dad, except for the whole "no discipline" thing...but I guess by now he's probably a little more mature.

Anyway, it's just strange to talk to him about something so central to who we were as a couple...The Ring. Usually we only talk a few times a year about how our dog is doing or how law school or his career are going.

He doesn't remember where he got the ring, so guess I'll have to have it appraised. But I wished him good luck on the baby thing and I really meant it. So different than my first husband...a guy who's basically totally evil and yet seems willing and able to procreate at the drop of a hat. I hope it works out for Ex#2 and the new wife, he seems happy. Even though he told me about it in the cruelest way possible when he got engaged ("I wanted to let you know I'm engaged and getting married. I guess I never understood before what real love is"), I'm just glad he figured it out. I'm glad he has the capacity to figure it out.

Sad that I still haven't figured my shit out, and in fact have reverted back to a way of life I thought I was through with 8 years ago. I thought I'd have kids by now. And a dog. And a picket fence and backyard with a barbeque and a husband in a golf shirt telling stupid jokes and winking at me. The American Dream, right?

When you're on a holiday...

Do you ever just get totally randomly obsessed with a certain song and feel like you could almost never hear it enough times? Every once in a while I just go through a period where I want to listen to a certain song non-stop for days and days.

It doesn't have to be a new song, or a radio song, or any certain musical genre...there's no rhyme or reason. I just get totally entranced by something about it and cannot quit.

Right now, that song is "Island in the Sun" by Weezer (you can hear a clip at Amazon if you follow the link). I seriously have listened to it at least ninety-five million kajillion times in the last three days and I.CANNOT.STOP.

Friday Spies

The latest Friday Spies questions from BTQ.

1. What is a food you have tried but will never eat again, and what
don't you like about it?

Kimchi. I lived in Korea for two years, and kimchi is a staple there. I tried it once and it is literally the most vile thing I have ever tasted. Any food you have to leave in an earthernware pot on your roof for a few months before you can eat it has some serious issues. Also, lutefisk. BLECH!

2. What are your five favorite possessions?

1. Jimmy Buffett Box Set
2. Any of my pictures of me and M., but I especially like one taken during our cross country road trip in a little bar in Northern California...we look happy and healthy and relaxed. It was right before law school started.
3. My couch. The last fight that killed my second marriage was over getting a couch. It was the first thing I bought on my own when I moved out. I love it.
4. My beer glass collection. I have an entire cabinet of pint glasses that I've collected at various bars and from breweries and stuff. I heart beer, and so the glasses are mighty important!
5. The quilt my mom made me. She hand-quilts...this one has the moon and stars, took nearly a year to make, is queen-size, and has over 500,000 handstitches.


3. How do you deal with confrontation? Do you seek it out or do you
avoid it? Are you more apt to be the confronter or the confronted?

I think people will be surprised by this, but I am *extremely* non-confrontational for the most part. I will generally just work around things rather than confront someone. I try very hard to be accomodating because, for whatever reason, I hate to have a big scene. Big emotional moments, especially anything that could be described as an "outburst" make me very, very, uncomfortable.

That being said, when pushed to my limit, or when the issue is certain subjects that are near and dear to me, I have no problem defending myself or my friends. When pushed directly I will come right back at the person, and because I can be a bit...uh...acid-tongued, it is often highly unpleasant for the person that pushed me.

4. What will Michael Jackson be doing five years from now?

Designing children's bedroom furnishings and hosting his own TV show..."The PedoFiles."

5. What is the worst movie sequel ever made, what is the best sequel
ever, and what movie should have had a sequel but didn't?

Worst Sequel Ever Made: I'm gonna go with Weekend at Bernie's II. Speed II and Men In Black II get honorable mentions, as do Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and whatever the last Lethal Weapon movie was...it was really terrible.

Best Sequel Ever Made: I'll be honest, I really enjoyed The Scorpion King. That could possibly be attributable to the stunning near nudity of The Rock though. I like Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade, and I also liked The Sum of All Fears (not really a sequel...more like a series...and yes I realized everyone else hated it).

Should Have Had A Sequel: Office Space. Any John Hughes movie from the '80's. Really, the ones I can think of DID have sequels, they were just not very good...for instance, I would love to see a GOOD sequel to Bridget Jones.

Hand me that wrech, wouldja?

This is what I'm hearing from the kitchen:

Mom: "Honey, we can just call Sears and they'll come look at it."
Dad: "I can do this myself. Hold the flashlight so I can see the drain. Sears will charge $65 an hour to come out here."
Mom: "Well, the whole point of buying such a nice dishwasher is that it has a great service warranty. I have the book right here."
Dad: "I don't need the book, I need you to hold the flashlight and actually point it INTO the dishwasher."
Mom: "I bet they could be here in an hour. They could definitely get here today."
Dad: "What is this? FLASHLIGHT. PLEASE."
Mom: "What is what?"
Dad: "Did you put a PLASTIC BAG in the dishwasher?"

I am keeping an eye on this situation, and I'll let you know later why my mom may or may not have put a plastic bag in the dishwasher, thus clogging up the drain, and causing the Great Spatula Flood of '05.

I am still working on Friday Spies. Hard to get computer time without looking suspicious (secret blogging is HARD!).

An essay on why my mom is so totally awesome that it's ridiculous.

So, I drove down to my parent's house today (7 hours), and when I got here I just walked right in (note to self: teach mom to lock doors while home alone). I came all the way through the house, walked right into the room and she NEVER EVEN TURNED AROUND! Apparently she thought I was my dad coming home from walking Molly the Satanic Dog.

So, I stand in the doorway to the computer room, and go "Ah-hem...I came to tell you Happy Mother's Day!"

And, she turned around and her eyes got, I swear to God, as big as dinner plates. She just sat there for a minute, totally stunned, and then she goes "OHMYGODHOWDIDYOUGETHERE?" So, because I am fairly articulate (I'm gonna be a lawyer you know), I go "I drove, duh!!" And then she totally got all teary eyed and hugged me like 20 times and said it's the best Mother's Day present my dad and I could have given her (I let him take the credit even though it was totally my idea...gotta help a brother out when you can).

The best part of the whole thing (besides the great reaction) was the setup. I've been telling her for days how busy I am. How I was SO excited for Thursday night so I could finally watch ER and not worry about stuff because I don't have classes on Friday. I called her on the way down and pretended I was running late for my afternoon class and asked her to TiVO a show for me because I was just SO BUSY there was no way I could take time out to watch it. She was all sympathetic..."Oh, it's so awful you're so busy...I hope you're taking care of yourself!" She was totally shocked when I told her I'd called her from the car when I was already halfway here.

The funniest OTHER thing that happened is that my dad kept hatching elaborate plots for how we could "surprise" her with my entrance. His best one was that he would get her to go walk the dog with him (something they do together every night anyway) and then I could park the car down the street and be here hiding and jump out when they walked in. As M. said "Jesus CHRIST, it's a surprise, not a murder plot!"

My dad has a long history of elaborate practical jokes and "surprises" that go bad. The one that I am still paying for to THIS DAY happened when I was about 10. My dad told me he wanted to play a joke on my mom and it would be fun, did I want to help? Of course I did, so my job was, while my mom was showering, and upon the signal from my dad, to turn off the lights in the bathroom. I *thought* he was going to dump ice water over her in the shower (which seemed funny and acceptable at the time...let's remember I was 10 and he was THIRTY-FIVE!). So, he opens the door, points at me commando style, and I flip the light switch off. Then, he puts a hand in the darkened bathroom, and blows a freaking AIRHORN! My mom almost had an effing heart attack. She definitely thought it was the end of the world, or aliens had attacked, or something. In 20 years, I have never been forgiven for my part in that disaster. I'm sure my dad paid too...although I may never know how.

On a separate, yet equally funny note, the best trick my dad ever played on my mom was to tell her that when his helicopter flew over the house on training missions (their pattern went right over our house), if she stood outside and waved he would honk at her. She would stand out there every day, waving and waving. She always thought he couldn't see her. It NEVER crossed her mind, not even once, that a helicopter might not have a horn. Not once. See why I love her so much?! She's just the most fabulous woman you could ever meet...I'm so happy I'm here.

It's 12:04am, do you know where your mock trial witness is?

Just got home from witnessing for the mock trial of a couple of friends. Good times were had by all, they did great, I got a quick martini as a reward afterwards, and now I just have to get up in time to pack for my trip, go to two of my three classes, head to the rental car place, and hit the road. Should be home (parent's home) by 7:30-ish tomorrow night. As you can tell...life is crazy tomorrow, may or may not be posting...but you know that 9 out of 10 times I say that I can't stay away. We'll see. If I get permission from my friends at some point I may tell a couple of funny mock trial stories at a later date...needless to say that with a jury of high school kids there were some priceless moments.

Oh God.

Not to belabor the point. But:

Jennifer asked that I convey her appreciation of the many prayers and statements of support she has received from countless individuals," Sartain said in the statement. "She is deeply regretful about the pain she caused her family, her fiance, her friends and the community who rallied to her aid.

"I believe Jennifer committed no crime. I understand and respect [Gwinnett County] District Attorney Danny Porter and his obligation to investigate this situation thoroughly. Jennifer hopes this experience will help her grow and heal and perhaps help others in similar circumstances. I look forward to working with her and her family."
...
She acknowledged buying a bus ticket a week before her journey and arranging for a taxi to an Atlanta bus station before she left on her jog.

Oh, thank GOD she did this so other women can be aware of the dangers of being rich and planning large weddings.

I am SO GLAD she got help before this got totally out of control.

Like, what would have happened if she had, say, planned an elaborate escape from her white lace beaded bridal handcuffs...worrying her friends and family to death, causing law enforcement resources to be diverted from people who actually needed them, casting suspicion on her fiance, and finally implicating a "Hispanic man" in her "kidnapping"? Think of how awful that would have been!

Spacemen from Mars stole all my money*

So, I was perusing the Weekly Law School Roundup over at Notes from the (Legal) Underground this weekend and came upon a list at Becoming a Jackal about things the author learned as a 1L. There were 20 things on the list, and I was totally down with all of them except these two:

15. The student who plays solitaire during the entire lecture will not be back after midterms.
16. Shopping for shoes online during class is tacky. Remember everyone else can see your screen. Same goes for endless AIM chats.

I *AM* the student who plays games, emails, and IM's all the way through some of my classes...although to be sure I was way worse last year when we were in big lecture halls with 100 people. I played so much Bejeweled last year I was going on MSN Games and playing it for money. Really.

When I am engaged in a class, when the prof takes the time to make the hour I spend there worthwhile (even if it's in a painful way, like through Socratic method), I totally never touch the internet. But, when I am sitting in a class where the prof lets the students who don't know what they're talking about drone ON and ON and ON, or when the prof is just going through a rote lecture he's given nine million times before, you better believe I find other things to do.

I *try* not to be distracting to others, but if I am quietly surfing the net for a Mother's Day present maybe the people behind me should just pay attention to their own computers, or the prof, or whatever. In the end, the person I'm hurting is me...if there's any hurt at all. Some of the best grades I have made in law school were in classes where I only paid attention some small portion of the time.

I understand that people think it's rude and disrespectful to both the prof and the other students to mess around on the internet during class. And I don't necessarily disagree...if it's a class where everyone is quietly listening or watching a movie and you're the only typing...that's pretty rude. But, in the end, I pay to be here. I expect my classroom time to be organized, useful, and productive. I expect to be in an environment where I am encouraged to learn. When I feel that I am learning, or there's even a slight potential for learning, the internet stays off.

As far as not being back after midterms, my school doesn't do that. I'm not sure which schools cut people and which don't, but my particular school, which, as I've said before, is a mid-first-tier-for-whatever-that's-worth school, is all about keeping people here. Even people who clearly don't belong here are helped and cajoled and coddled until they squeak through just like the rest of us. Even if my school did cut people, I'm in a percentage close enough to the top (or so I guess...our school also doesn't give rankings, or GPA's, or anything), that it wouldn't be an issue for me.

Anyway, I'm not trying to cause a big stir, I just want to point out that in law school you can't judge books by their covers. The person IM'ing all the way through whatever class you're in might be studying like crazy behind the scenes, ignoring the big-mouthed ignoramuses in class, and eventually ending up ahead of the curve. I'm just saying. If any of my profs are reading this, it was never in your class Sir or Ma'am.

*Jimmy Buffett...of course.

Coalition for Darfur

I've been remiss the past couple weeks with my Coalition posts, but here's the latest Coalition for Darfur post...it's well worth the time it takes to head over there and read it.

Damnit people.

Dear Random People Who IM All The Time Who Are Not Readers Of This Blog,

The appropriate greeting when YOU IM ME is not "Who are you?"

If you don't know who I am, you shouldn't have IM'd me.

Also, it just pisses me off when you ask a bunch of questions trying to decide if you know me.

You don't know me. Where you got my AIM username I will never know. However, since you're theoretically in charge of your own behavior, bodily movements, and thoughts, it seems like you probably know where you got my name, and why you're using it. I know every single person on my list, and never have I had to ask someone who I just IM'd who they are.

My username is energyspatula. That is not something you type accidentally.

Go away. Please. Leave me alone. I am very busy and very cranky.

Yours Confusedly,

E. Spat.

Dear Ms. Lo

J-Lo,

I wanted to tell you that normally when this happens to me I just give the guy some change and he quits following me around. Good luck!

E. Spat.

P.S. That dress is...uh...lovely. In a world where "lovely" means "highly unfortunate."

I wanted to tell you guys first.

I'm in love. With this.

It does not taste like light ice cream, it tastes (seriously) like my version of Heaven. Second only to beer this is my new favorite thing.

I guess you kind of have to like caramel for it to be fabulous to you, but honestly, I love this stuff. Probably at least one of you will go out and buy this and then hate it, and I want to say right up front, I can't help it if you have bad taste.

Do you think it defeats the whole purpose of buying light ice cream if I eat an entire 1/2 gallon in three days?

Mmmmmm...snacks.

I flipped on the TV just now and there's some show on the Food TV channel where the woman is making "kid friendly food." So far she's made little baby hotdogs baked in this cheese bread stuff, homemade fish-sticks, some kinda punch stuff...after the commercial she's making cupcakes.

I feel kind of bad at how into this menu I am. I honestly feel like it's not a problem that I'm 30 years old and I want to only eat snack foods and things that can be served on toothpicks.

On a totally different subject, today in Law and Terrorism I think we made the professor feel a little bit...frustrated.

He poses this hypothetical "So, people, if you're in France and you're walking down the street in France and someone just comes up to you and says 'I hate Americans' and punches you in the face, can you get personal jurisdiction over that person to sue them in the United States?"

20 blank stares. 20 quiet, quiet people. This is after a two-hour long class where we had all been thoroughly confused about a lot of things, including the ability of the US to reach out and touch people in other countries for actions abroad that are crimes in the US.

Finally, after a couple of minutes of total silences he throws up his hands and goes "NO! NO NO NO! Obviously NO! My GOD, NO!"

So, someone in class (during a different part of the class) brings up the Piper Aircraft case (but not in regards to forum non conveniens) and the Prof is like "Well, no. But at least you brought up a case that was actually taught in CivPro. You get points for it being from the right class at least."

It was so funny. Poor guy. He teaches 1L CivPro and I think he's horrified by how confused we are and how much we've already forgotten (or that no one wants to raise their hand and admit how much they've forgotten).

Anyway, I have to go watch the cupcake segment. I heart cupcakes. Ask LQ.

J-Lo for President.

No really. She thinks it would be "really cool" and her first official act would be to redecorate the White House so it would be more cozy. Maybe B. Spears-Federline could be her VP. They could, like, dance and make videos and design terrycloth dog sweatsuits with clever little sayings on the ass spelled out in rhinestones. Oh yeah, and run the country and stuff.

A CONTEST!! YAY!

Courtesy of Go Fug Yourself (one of my mostest favoritest blogs EVER) we have this fab shot of Whorebag picking out a video (YA'LL, what do you MEAN you don't have any copies of "1 Night in Paris"?? DAMN, Kevvie LOVES that movie...well, do ya'll have any Cheetos?).

So, we have the picture...leave your suggested caption in the comments. Maybe the best one will get a prize. And by "prize" I mean, uh...I don't know...does anyone need a VERY slightly used Fed Courts book?

I'll tell you the truth...

I don't give a flying f*ck about:

1. The "runaway bride." Seriously, I don't care. She may be mentally ill, or having life problems, or whatever, but...who cares? People are dying in wars all over the world. Children are being abandoned. Somewhere a psychopath is chaining up a dog and won't feed it until it starves to death in the backyard. One woman in Georgia who flees her WEDDING is not an issue.

2. Stars and their terrible, awful problems. See above. You mean stars get depression JUST LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE? OH THE EFFING HUMANITY!!! It's so horrible to think that EVEN when you're rich and famous you could still be plagued by normal human problems. GAH! What is the world coming to when people who PRETEND for a living aren't just paid nine billion times more than cops and teachers, but also have to suffer the indignity of being mortal?

I guess right now those are the only two things. That's a lie. I could go on and on, but you probably already think I'm a huge, unfeeling bitch, so I'll quit. I have to go for my walk anyway...priorities people.

Monday stories.

Today I had to write my "appeal" to the Office of Satanic Peckerheads Student Financial Aid, begging them to please give me some money next year even though I suck, or in the alternative, the Dept. of Education sucks. Basically I pushed the "This was my responsibility and I know I effed it up but I did do X, Y, and Z which show I at least tried and please don't penalize me because I'm very, very, very sorry and it will never happen again, and also it wasn't my fault."

Of course, it will never happen again because this is the last year I need financial aid, but, why point that out.

Here are some other awesome things I saw and did today.

On the bus on the way home from school I sat behind a paranoid schizophrenic (how do you like that armchair diagnosis?). He was talking to himself LOUDLY, partially in English and partially in some other language...it sounded like what Martians would speak if they prepared for their visit to Earth by using "Learn Greek in 20 Days" tapes that had been sitting on the front seat of a Camaro for five days in July in Texas.

Anyhow, this guy had one of those distance things that people who golf use to see how far the flag is (or how far their ball goes, or whatever the hell they use those things for). He would hold it up to his eye, sort of make a clicking motion like he was taking a picture of the person or thing he was aiming at, then examine it, I guess to look at the "picture." Then he would go "There's NO NEED TO STEAL! GHIOUD HDOOIN HDING MDUGHG!!!!" It was quite bizarre. He was also doing something with a bunch of newspapers, but I didn't want to get close enough to see what...kind of looked like he was storing them in certain pockets and places in his bag according to either the pictures, or the words, or maybe what the voices were telling him. Who knows?

I also went to Target today because I have scratches on my glasses. The ones I just bought. The ones I paid extra to get a no-scratch coating on. As it turns out, they're not scratches, there's a defect in the anti-reflective glaze and so it's peeling off (or something like that). So, they're redoing them. The boy that works there is kind of cute.

Last but not least, I rented a car for the weekend and I'm driving home on Thursday night to surprise my mom for Mother's Day. She is going to be so SHOCKED! I called my dad today and told him I wanted to do it, and he was all for it. It'll be so fun to see the look on her face when I roll in Thursday night. I'm going to have to skip a class, but I'm pretty sure the professor won't mind.

Don't mess with my Diet Coke.

I have been so ridiculously productive this morning, it's kind of sick.

I cleaned the Beefster's tank.
I did the dishes.
I have four loads of laundry in process.
I cleaned the kitchen.
I went grocery shopping.
I dusted.

I rock. But, the whole point of this post is that, while at the grocery store, I noticed they were selling Diet Coke with Splenda (instead of aspartame). So I bought one. As pretty much the Queen of all things Diet Coke I feel qualified to comment on this.

It's OK. There is a really weird sweet aftertaste. It doesn't taste like the Diet Coke I'm used to, and since I'm an addict, that might be a problem, but it's not terrible I guess. I think it tastes more like regular Coke, except the weird aftertaste. But, for me, the whole point of Diet Coke (besides the Diet part) is that it DOESN'T taste like regular Coke....so, not sure this is an improvement for me.

I guess in the sense that it keeps the dirty aspartame out of your brain and nervous system it might be the better choice, but tastewise, I think I'll risk it with the aspartame laced Original Diet Coke.