Thursday, May 05, 2005

An essay on why my mom is so totally awesome that it's ridiculous.

So, I drove down to my parent's house today (7 hours), and when I got here I just walked right in (note to self: teach mom to lock doors while home alone). I came all the way through the house, walked right into the room and she NEVER EVEN TURNED AROUND! Apparently she thought I was my dad coming home from walking Molly the Satanic Dog.

So, I stand in the doorway to the computer room, and go "Ah-hem...I came to tell you Happy Mother's Day!"

And, she turned around and her eyes got, I swear to God, as big as dinner plates. She just sat there for a minute, totally stunned, and then she goes "OHMYGODHOWDIDYOUGETHERE?" So, because I am fairly articulate (I'm gonna be a lawyer you know), I go "I drove, duh!!" And then she totally got all teary eyed and hugged me like 20 times and said it's the best Mother's Day present my dad and I could have given her (I let him take the credit even though it was totally my idea...gotta help a brother out when you can).

The best part of the whole thing (besides the great reaction) was the setup. I've been telling her for days how busy I am. How I was SO excited for Thursday night so I could finally watch ER and not worry about stuff because I don't have classes on Friday. I called her on the way down and pretended I was running late for my afternoon class and asked her to TiVO a show for me because I was just SO BUSY there was no way I could take time out to watch it. She was all sympathetic..."Oh, it's so awful you're so busy...I hope you're taking care of yourself!" She was totally shocked when I told her I'd called her from the car when I was already halfway here.

The funniest OTHER thing that happened is that my dad kept hatching elaborate plots for how we could "surprise" her with my entrance. His best one was that he would get her to go walk the dog with him (something they do together every night anyway) and then I could park the car down the street and be here hiding and jump out when they walked in. As M. said "Jesus CHRIST, it's a surprise, not a murder plot!"

My dad has a long history of elaborate practical jokes and "surprises" that go bad. The one that I am still paying for to THIS DAY happened when I was about 10. My dad told me he wanted to play a joke on my mom and it would be fun, did I want to help? Of course I did, so my job was, while my mom was showering, and upon the signal from my dad, to turn off the lights in the bathroom. I *thought* he was going to dump ice water over her in the shower (which seemed funny and acceptable at the time...let's remember I was 10 and he was THIRTY-FIVE!). So, he opens the door, points at me commando style, and I flip the light switch off. Then, he puts a hand in the darkened bathroom, and blows a freaking AIRHORN! My mom almost had an effing heart attack. She definitely thought it was the end of the world, or aliens had attacked, or something. In 20 years, I have never been forgiven for my part in that disaster. I'm sure my dad paid too...although I may never know how.

On a separate, yet equally funny note, the best trick my dad ever played on my mom was to tell her that when his helicopter flew over the house on training missions (their pattern went right over our house), if she stood outside and waved he would honk at her. She would stand out there every day, waving and waving. She always thought he couldn't see her. It NEVER crossed her mind, not even once, that a helicopter might not have a horn. Not once. See why I love her so much?! She's just the most fabulous woman you could ever meet...I'm so happy I'm here.
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