Monday, April 11, 2005

Professional Wha?

Yeah, so I'm busy studying for my PR exam tomorrow...closed book, rote memorization on the Model Rules...it's straight up questions taken from the bar exam.

Am I going to pass? Doubtful.

Here's what the PR exam would be like if I wrote it, and could only use answers that I found via Googling combinations of the words "lawyer", "drunk", "sex", and "misconduct."

Warm-Up Questions

Beer before liquor, never been __________?

Liquor before beer, you're in the ____________?

Which alcohol is the judge least likely to smell on your breath?
a. Brandy
b. Cooking Sherry
c. Vodka
d. Tequila, sucked out of the bellybutton of a girl named Candy Lynn Hotpants at the White Zebra Gentlemen's Lounge during lunch (ok, breakfast...whatever).

Multiple Choice
What activity is always performed best when drunk?a. Dancing
b. Putting on make-up
c. Motion for Summary Judgment
d. The Woo-ing of The Lay-dees
e. Having sex in the cab of your pick-up truck with, you know, some chick from the bar
f. All of the above

Using a penis pump is appropriate for members of the Judiciary when:a. Behind closed doors
b. At home, i.e. behind closed doors
c. Sitting on the bench hearing cases

The appropriate way for an attorney to handle his anger is:
a. To drink until he can't walk
b. To turn it on himself. He's so stupid. God, why was he ever born?
c. To beat the living shit out of a random bicyclist that happens to cross his path

A lawyer may accept legal fees in the following forms:a. Credit cards
b. Cash
c. Checks
d. The once in a lifetime chance to watch kinky sexual acts between a client's wife and her sister-in-law

If a lawyer gets stupid drunk at a college football game, and gets caught in the rain, the appropriate response would be to:a. Find a taxi to take him home
b. Call his friend/neighbor/wife/girlfriend/mistress on his everpresent cell phone and arrange a ride
c. Get naked with a friend in the laundry room of an apartment building neither one lives in and do a sexy strip tease for the building residents
d. Find a bar, order up a pina-colada, and find a girl who's not into health food, but is into champagne

If you are unlicensed to practice law, you should:
a. Immediately seek out the proper procedure for regaining your license
b. Practice just like you always have...who needs to know?
c. Have a nice drinky-poo and don't worry about, these things usually fix themselves
d. Just reprint it off that one email...

If a witness in a case has information that might hurt your client, you should:
a. Go to the jail and tell her to change her story and point out that if she doesn't, she has no place to hide
b. Withdraw immediately, no one said there would be clients who are *guilty*!
c. Don't worry about it, after all, you're not the one going to jail...right?

The best way to help your client is to:a. Show up to court prepared each and every day
b. Fully investigate each claim to the best of your ability
c. Tell off the judge and spend a month in jail

True or False and Fill-In-The-Blank

True or False? Lawyers are better than other people and so don't have to pay their taxes.

True or False? The most effective way to obtain information from a client in jail is to pull your skirt up around your waist and have some nice steamy sex in the interview room in front of God and everyone.*

True or False? Acting as both defense lawyer and prosecutor to the same defendants is an excellent example of good resource management.

True or False? The best way for a judge to handle a lawyer he thinks is an idiot is to scream at said lawyer and then jump down from the bench and grab the lawyer and give him a good shake.

A person who acts as his own lawyer has a _________ for a client?

*Shout-out to Scott at L^3 for the heads-up on this one.

By the way, most of this applies exclusively to personal injury lawyers.