Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Deconstructing Britney

Damn that Wayne for scooping me on the newest Britney Spears letter.

Because I am seriously behind in both work and reading (already!) I just entered my thoughts in helpful red. You can see previous dissections of Britney's work here, here, here, and here. As long as Britney keeps writing, I'll be able to continue this's like ready made material. Anyway, I have to go read Admiralty before the season premiere of Alias, which I have been waiting for like a big stalking weirdo for like a month. I leave you with the first installment of Britney "Slutbag" Spears-Federline Watch 2005. I heart the new year.

January 3, 2005
Dear Fans,
A new year is starting and I have so many resolutions. If only I could convince myself to stick to them! (Divorce creepy skank husband, quit wearing zit cream in public, throw away every last pair of Uggs and all trucker hats, quit being such a no-talent hack, stop looking like someone who isn't allowed to live in a trailer park in South Florida because she can't meet the stringent dress code.).

My Christmas was wonderful and I had such a great break. I think I should rephrase myself from my previous letters when I was talking about taking a "break" ("Rephrase myself?" Jesus.). What I meant was I am taking a break from being told what to do (I hate it when people tell me how to spend my Christmas too! Oh, that's not what you meant. OK). True Masters say it's cool when you look at someone and don't know whether they are at work or play since it's all the same to them (Are True Masters "they" "They say" and "They tell me"? Do the True Masters tell you to grab your husband's crotch in public and then throw on a trucker hat, suck down a cigarette and a Red Bull, and write a stupid ass letter to post on your website? Just wondering.). The things I've been doing for work lately have been so much fun, because it's not like work to me anymore. I've been even more "hands on" (Now that could probably make you some serious cash. And I'm willing to bet Mr. Spears-Federline is eager to get into "the industry".) in my management and the business side of things and I feel more in control than ever (Anyone who would let you run a business is a moron.).

I just shot a cute video for "Do Something" that I co-directed. After doing about 20 videos, it gets kind of boring playing the same role (But you do it so well! In fact, it seems a lot you're not playing.), so I chose to work with a young, hungry, director Bille Woodruff. He had no ego whatsoever (Well, one out of two ain't bad.) and the whole process was just so much fun. Oh, his dog was just adorable too.

As much fun as I had, I have to say I was a little disappointed that I still had to convince my record label that making this video was the right thing to do at this time (Yeah, I guess when you've made, like, ten thousand bad decisions in the past year, it can be hard to convince people to take you seriously.). But, in the end, I think everything came out great. We shot the entire video in a record breaking 5 hours (Did it really break a record? Oh, you're being facetious. Got it.). I even came up with all the choreography and styled the entire shoot myself using Juicy Couture clothing (Leftovers from the Pimp and Ho Ball wedding, no doubt.).

Co-directing this video was like an experimental project for me (Oh, so you kept your clothes on?). I feel like being behind the camera is sometimes more satisfying than being in front of it (Except at home no doubt, where Kevin is recording it all for posterity...and his memoirs...from behind the safety of the heating vent in the corner.). Working on this video was my first taste into behind the scenes work which I am excited about doing more of in the near future (This sentence is stupid.). When a woman directs, I think it just alters the entire feel of the movie, production or play in such a positive way (Well, with a Britney Spears song to work with, who couldn't make solid gold? Here's to true art!). Speaking of, I've been working on writing and hopefully eventually directing a musical which makes fun of the whole Hollywood scene, which is appropriately titled "Hollywood" (Oh..hahahahaha...god, that is so funny and original! I'm sure the musical dance scene where the paparazzi battle the celebutantes through the power of their mad grooves is going to be FAB!).

On a different note, I have a new dog named Lucky and I just bought her a new dresser for her room. Yes, she has a room, which she shares with Bit Bit (God, it's so funny how stupid Hollywood people can be Britney, you should write a musical exposing it!). For Christmas, they got a baby chandelier to go in it (Do I even need to say it?). It's the cutest thing in the world (Cuter than the baby that Kevin's girlfriend had like a month after you started dating him?)! I have to go now because my other dog, Lacy, has been sick for a little while and I need to go give her medicine (Does the medicine come in a bottle that says "Vodka"? Isn't that "mommy's" medicine?).
Happy New Year!

PS Please remember to watch Jamie Lynn's new show, Zoey 101, which debuts on Nickelodeon this month! (Damn, I bet you're glad your sister isn't Ashlee "No Talent" Simpson, huh? Kinda makes you wonder how Jamie Lynn feels...).

This blog is sponsored by The Reeves Law Group at 515 South Flower Street, 36th Floor. Los Angeles CA 90071. (213) 271-9318