Monday, January 17, 2005

You're making Leroy very mad.*

Since you already met Ex#1, and we're having torrential downpours here today that render me unable to go out and do anything interesting to write about, and also I've been at school working since 8am and will probably be here until 8pm, I thought maybe today would be a good time to introduce Ex#2.

Ex#2 is what happens when George Carlin, Peter Pan, and fraternity boys have a baby. He's a "fun guy"...loves to drink and cuss and joke around and just generally be a big drunken ham. I know you're thinking, "So, why wouldn't you two get along?" And the answer to that is complicated. First of all, I have the *capacity* to be mature when the situation calls for when talking to my parents, or while I'm at work. Secondly, I have an above average ability for caretaking and for being able to look past my own needs to what's best for the relationship. Thirdly, I do not participate in drunken activities that can get me killed. Usually.

The only way for you to truly know Ex#2 is by, without further ado...the highlight reel.


- I have often spoken on this blog about my parents, and how much I love them, and how incredibly puritanical they are. That is not an exagerration. They do not see "R-rated" movies, they don't drink, they don't cuss, they don't do anything "bad." Really. So, they came down to Florida to visit me and Ex#2 (they only lived about 3.5 hours away) when he was "staying" with me. He was living with me, but since it was just for a couple months we hadn't really declared it as such. Just as an aside, my parents decided to stay at a hotel because they didn't want to stay in the house because they thought it would condone us living together. As another aside, they would later come to wish they had encouraged cohabitation rather than marriage. Anyway, they came over after dinner and we all sat down to just watch TV and talk. This was at the height of the whole Viagra thing (no pun intended), and a "Bob Dole touting the benefits of Viagra" commercial came on. Ex#2 turns to my dad, who by the way outranks him by like 5 ranks, and is MY DAD, and goes "God Mr. Spatula, I know I have that problem all the time, how about you?" in regards to...ahem...erectile dysfunction. I have literally never seen my parents that uncomfortable. They left shortly thereafter.

- The first time Ex#2 visited me in Florida, he asked if he should bring some booze or anything, and I said "sure!" He showed up with a plastic gallon jug of Servicemember's Gin with a squeeze top. And pimento cheese sandwiches from the gas station down the street. Not just vile, vile+.


- At various times during our marriage, Ex#2 would comment that I "seemed sad" and would often do something to try to make me feel better. These things included (but are not limited to): pulling the emergency break on the freeway, driving over the lawn and pretending he was going to crash through the front window (the window I was sitting next to inside the house in order to get some light to read), juggling knives (usually this required alcohol), and teaching the dog to grab Diet Coke bottles and run outside with them through the doggie door, telling a joke to my parents with a blow job punchline, and telling my parents a story involving anal sex between retarded people (c'mon E. Spat, it's FUNNY!).

- Ex#2 LOVED hot peppers. He would often eat 10-15 habaneros at every meal, just one right after the other. He would grow these peppers, habanero's and fatali's, and all sorts of other super hot ones, and then dry them, blend them up, and sprinkle the powder on everything. One time he blended up the dried peppers and then just stuck the blender in the dishwasher, which was old and crappy, and left to go running. About thirty minutes later the dog started to cough and gag, and then I started to cough and gag and my eyes were watering. The dishwasher wasn't sealed well and steam, in the form of pepper spray, was being released into the entire front of our house. We had to not only buy a new dishwasher, but it took HOURS to be able to go back in the house without gagging, and my eyes were red and runny for an entire day.

- Along the same vein, one of the Ex's friends came over for dinner and the Ex gave him a habanero to try. Of course, the friend freaked out and ran to the bathroom to wash his mouth out (it won't help buddy) and decided to pee while he was in there. Without washing his hands first. The first bloodcurdling screams were horrible and all the Ex said was "Oh, sorry dude, I forgot to remind you to wash your hands." That guy never came over again.

- Ex#2 was restoring a car in our garage (a story for another day) and he would spend HOURS every night and weekend day out there. I couldn't figure out what he was doing because the car never seemed to get any closer to being finished, but there was a HUGE pile of rags and other assorted debris piled in the corner of the garage. Because I am an ADULT, I was scared of the rags bursting into flames and burning our house down, so I decided to throw them away. And discovered...wait for it...a PONY KEG hidden in my garage. Ahhh...the closet drinker. Awesome.

- On our one-year anniversary of being married, I took Ex#2 to Austin for the weekend. I got a super swanky hotel room, and we went out on 6th Street for some nice food and booze. Only, Ex#2 got drunk in fact that he spent the entire night puking up his guts in our hotel room while I sat in the lobby having a panic attack due to my vomit-phobia. On the way home he accused me of being "frigid" for not putting out...I guess he expected it in between trips to the bathroom or during the ten minutes he wasn't passed out on the floor.


- During marriage counseling, after extensive visits with the counselors, they actually told us that "we should think seriously about cutting our losses and moving on without each other."

- During marriage counseling we had to do this exercise where you draw a circle and you put all the stuff you had before you were married (house, car, independence, etc...anything you want) and rate it one a scale of 1-10. We drew our circles and I rated my pre-married life a "9" and he rated his a "7." Then, you draw a married circle and put all the stuff you have now in it, and rate it again. I rated mine a "2" and he rated his a "3." After all of this we went out to Chili's (I swear to God, I don't know what it is about that place) and decided that we should try to preserve our friendship by not being married. The next day I came home and he was drunk and was painting huge post-it note yellow circles on the walls so the house wouldn't "remind him of me" which I guess he meant "have any element of sanity."

- After the divorce we made one half-hearted attempt at reconciliation because he swore he had changed and was ready for a mature relationship, and I had just gone through a really bad breakup with my post-divorce rebound guy. So, I went to where he was for a visit and he took me to Niagra Falls, where he got super drunk, embarrased himself in public, and would only stop at one non-drinking establishment, the duty free store at the border to buy, you guessed it, more beer to take home. My how times had changed!

Anyway, I could on and on about him all day, there are SOOOO many stories, maybe another day I'll tell one of the longer ones. Now you've met both my Exes, so I guess you have the foundation to understand why I choose to be single. However, I do need to point out that Ex#2 and I have stayed in touch. I wouldn't say we're "friends" but he lets me know how our dog is doing, and he recently got remarried and seems very happy. He emailed me to let me know he was getting remarried with the following observation "I guess I never really understood what it meant to be in love before." OUCH.

* A favorite phrase of the Ex when I was doing something to annoy him. Leroy was the dog.
This blog is sponsored by The Reeves Law Group at 515 South Flower Street, 36th Floor. Los Angeles CA 90071. (213) 271-9318