God Bless the "B" curve!

Grades came out today. I am officially a 2L and have officially passed Property, which just goes to show you that taping a $100 bill to the back of the exam TOTALLY works! In other good news, I spent almost the whole day at the library reading a book my supervisor told me to read, only to find out it was totally useless and so boring that I kept falling asleep, even after 4 Diet Cokes in about 2 hours (and I mean the 20oz bottles, not those stupid sissy cans).

Work is going OK. I am finding that it doesn't pay to go to a school on the quarter system because when you get to your summer job about 4 weeks later than everyone else most of them have already been assigned the "big/good" projects and most of the lawyers who hand out "big/good" projects have already picked a favorite intern to go to. Also, they gave a bunch of training to the first interns that got here, and me and Mr. Second to the Last to Arrive basically were told "well, sorry...we don't have the time or resources to do that training again." So, we've been relegated to some mundane/tangentially legally related tasks that the other interns have been able to skirt by way of the two points above. But, I'm getting around D.C. pretty effectively now, and my best friend is going to come visit in a couple weeks...so, all in all, life is OK.

Plus, I didn't fail any classes...so here I come International Legal Processes, Basic Income Tax, Law and the Use of Force, and Evidence...Fall Quarter '04. Stay Sweet. Have a great summer. Luv ya 4-eva.

Oh my god...say it isn't so!

My crappy little elf name is Shetland Granitebottom.
What's yours?
Powered by Rum and Monkey.

Link via Naked Drinking Coffee and Stag...

PS: That one is when I used my "real" name...if I use "Energy Spatula" (which hopefully I don't have to explain to anyone isn't my real name) I get Juniper Horsebeard. Jesus.

The world is officially ending. That will be all.

Oh my god...two of the most evil forces in America have teamed up on an audio-visual freak show that will probably cause me to go into a catatonic state for at least the next two years, followed by a lifetime of cutesy-ness induced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Celine Dion, shrieking no-talent diva, is in collusion with Anne Geddes, photographer of babies made to look like produce and insects, to produce what will surely be a nausea-inducing project involving the sum total of their creative talent...either a black hole that sucks in everything around it for thousands of light years, or an audio-book filled with the sound of babies shrieking while being forced to wear idiotic costumes shaped like carrots and ladybugs and watch hours and hours of horrendously annoying Chrysler commercials.

Get your dancing megalomaniac right here folks!!

What if the soundtrack to the movie Cocktail (starring a very cute Adventure's in Babysitting era Elisabeth Shue and a very...well...exactly the same as he is now smarmy and short Tom Cruise) were used for the backdrop to a dancing Saddam Hussein doll? Good news folks...someone already had that million dollar idea!!

Just Because: The Franchise

Just Because: The Thinking Woman's Edition -- James Spader



James gets two pic's because he's double hot...damn.

UPDATE: This has nothing to do with James, but I didn't want to interrupt everyone's view with a new post. I had a major linking service meltdown last night, so I've attempted to repost the links to my template (I saved them a while back), plus add the people I know I had added through the other service. If your link got dropped, please don't be shy...drop me a line and let know, I want to get them ALL back up again!! Thanks.

Please don't say manana if you don't mean it.

My ISP is down for the count starting in less than an hour until the wee small hours of the morning. Favorable Dicta will be back up and running bright and early...with a "Just Because: The Franchise" boy to soothe even the most troubled souls.

It's probably good anyway, because today I got railroaded in a meeting with my supervisor by one of the other interns and I am not a happy camper.

Just so you'll have something to read while I'm gone though...here's your Team Natural Selection MVP for the day. Also, I watch that show Airline all the time late at night on A&E, and I was TOTALLY waiting for this to happen.

UPDATE: The server I use to put pic's on the blog is having technical difficulties. IF they aren't back up by tomorrow morning I will post TWO hot Just Because boys on Thursday to make it up to you!

The gift of love that burns forever....uh yeah.

Oh my god, this is funny.

These reviews are hysterical. Really. Oh my god, I can't stop laughing...I hope they don't take it down before more people are able to share in this...this...HILARITY.

(Link via Dylan at The Slithery D)

Must. Have. More. Trash.

For my readers in the greater D.C. metropolitan area...can anyone tell me a good used bookstore? I am going through an enormous amount of trashy romance and mystery novels...my appetite for formulaic serial novels is almost disturbing in its magnitude. And given the fact that I am not being paid for my summer-o-learnin' I need to stop buying these stupid books new, especially given the fact that I finish them in two days usually. At $8 a pop, I'm gonna be in the poorhouse soon, which is conveniently located across the street from my apartment, by the way.

In other news, I got lost tonight trying to find someplace good for dinner, and ended up at the White House. They didn't invite me in to have dinner, but I found a cute little sandwich shop with lots of other alone-type people eating, and the sandwich was really good. And cheap. So, all's well that ends well. And I got a scoop of ice cream for $1.49. Hell yeah.

Damn you...

Whoever it is in Australia that keeps getting here by searching for "Diet Coke" and "Cabana Boy" (by "keeps" I mean "more than once," unless there's something going on in Australia that I don't know about causing this influx)...how come you never leave your name? Don't you know we're perfect for each other? I bet you have a hot Australian accent too. Next time you stop by, say "Hi"...clearly this is meant to be!

P.S. Soupie, you inspired me to check my key search words for the day...and look what you've done. I'm forlorn.

If we give into those people, we're giving into all the cute and fuzzy bunnies in the world.

This is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life. Simulated dating...where you PAY a woman (or man or whatever) to go on a date with you and then tell you what you did wrong so you can learn to be a better dater. Whatever the hell that is. And the best part?

“We’ve researched carefully what behaviors are more widely appealing to others,” Demarais said. “I could say, ‘Look, you might be quirky and off from the norm, and I like that,’ and so I give you a positive rating. But that wouldn't be as valuable than to say, for example, that this [behavior] is more universally appealing and you're not doing that all the time — are you aware of that? Is that the image you want to project?”

I know I hate it when people portray the image of...uh...their real selves...quirky and offbeat included. I would much rather have a man who's been coached to say all the right things until I decide I can trust him, and that he's who I think he is, then spring it on me that actually he's none of those things...he's just doing stuff his DATING COACH told him to do. You probably think I'm overreacting...and I probably am...but I'm really appalled. Practically every single person I know, myself included, has trouble trusting members of the opposite sex. And not that stupid high school kind of distrust, but the distrust borne of being in a relationship that, when it ended, broke your soul and made you realize that sometimes when someone says they're going to love you forever, they really mean for the next three months and eleven days...not that I'm speaking from experience here.

So...I want all the single people reading this to take a deep breath...that's right...now breathe out...and go try to be yourself. Quirky is good. Irreverent is good. Nerdy is good. Offbeat is good. Funny is good. Fake is not good.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

I was feeling a little bit homesick today, so I called my parents just to say hello...and someone new answered the phone at their house.

Me: "Hello"
New Girl: "Hello, Spatula Residence"
Me: "Ummm...this is Energy..."
New Girl: "Oh hi"
Me: "Not to be rude...but who are you?"
New Girl: "I'm Beth"
Me: "Ummm...are my parents there"
New Girl: "No, they're out playing golf"
Me: "And...so...you're answering their phone?"
New Girl: "Oh, no...I'm Molly's babysitter"
Me: "Yeah...just tell my parents to call me when they get home"
New Girl: "Well, they're just gonna come home and change clothes and then they're going to a barbeque, so they probably won't have time"
Me: "Uh, ok. Just tell them Energy called. I'm their daughter"
New Girl: "OK, whatever"

Molly the Satantic Dog has a babysitter. I didn't even get a babysitter most of the time. My parents would either (a) drag me to the Golf Course and force me to caddy for 18 holes (under the "it's good exercise" guise) or (b) buy me some books, preferably something in the Babysitter's Club or Sweet Valley High genre, tell me where the ice cream and Diet Coke were, and take off...because I was "responsible." Oh my god, they have officially gone completely insane. I cannot even begin to fathom how much they are paying this girl to babysit an EFFING DOG. They live in Southern Oregon. It's nice out. They have a ONE ACRE yard with a fence. I am aghast.

Actual Picture of Molly the Satanic Dog

"It was a beautiful day, the kind you want to toast"*

This morning I got up early and went to the Farmer's Market at Dupont Circle. I got fresh fruit and bread and cheese...yummy. I also found some good book stores and got a couple books, which I desperately needed before spending a Sunday doing (probably) nothing. The weather here is GORGEOUS! I think I'm gonna head up to the roof of my apartment building and have a little reading/napping session. We get lots of sun in Thinly Veiled Pacific Northwest Metropolis (more than people probably think) but it seems like it's of a different quality than East Coast sun...which is DEFINITELY different than Texas sun. It's weird how that works. It's almost spring-like though today, not too hot...and pretty blue skies.

One point I would make to the men of D.C. though...loafers without socks are not an acceptable substitute for sandals or flip-flops or whatever other casual open shoe you would like to wear in hot sunny weather. They look stupid. You look like bankers that barely escaped some sort of convention where they stole your socks. Just quit it.

*Jimmy of course.

Planet of the Chimps

If life were a movie, this is the part where we would teach the chimps some "harmless" things, like blowing an airgun at visitors in retaliation for the visitors pounding on the glass, or how to push a "secret" button on a tree to get snacks (which doesn't sound half-bad to me) and then they would mutate, figure out how to work the locks, break out, and make a human zoo where they would force us to sit in cages and be mocked by toddler chimps and eat snacks out of fake trees. I just don't think it's a good idea.

The summer has officially begun.

I went to Madam's Organ tonight. Hence. I am trashed. Yay for me!

Quote of the Day...

Charlie Sheen in Ferris Bueller's Day Off: "You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much eye makeup. People think she's a whore."

Consumer is my name - Tourism is my game...

Today I went to the Museum of Natural History and the Navy Memorial, and just generally walked all over the place and looked at stuff and bought overpriced postcards and magnets and whatnot. I saw LOADS of sparkly, shiny, diamondy things at the Museum...I want to move in there and just stare at the shinies all day long.

Also, I noticed today that no matter what nationality they are, all kids love to chase pigeons...carriers of germs and plague and pestilence and god only knows what else. Blech.

Lastly, we have these little card things to get into our building, and today I dropped mine down the elevator shaft. I am officially a klutzy dumbass. Seriously, I was trying to put it back in my purse and it slipped out of my hand and fell directly into the little opening between the elevator door and the great beyond. So now I have to get buzzed in and out until Monday when hopefully the little office will be open and I can get a new card...lately I've been dropping stuff A LOT...I hope that isn't a sign of impending nerve disease from the Diet Coke or something.

P.S. If you are someone's totally HOT ex-Cabana-Boy (and yardstick by which all future Cabana Boys will be measured) and you send a picture to that someone "just to say Hi" please make sure that I...I mean that someone...can open said picture. Anything less is torture.

I'm a fieldmarshall in the Energy Spatula Army...

I took one of those Myers-Briggs personality inventory things at work today because it was up on our intranet for some retreat all the lawyers just went to...and it says I'm an ENTJ. I think that's probably right because (a) I was an ENTJ when I took this about 15 years ago in junior high school, and (b) it sounds exactly like me. For those of you that know me "in real life"...what do you think?

If one word were used to capture ENTJ's style, it would be commandmant. The basic driving force and need of ENTJs is to lead, and from an early age they can be observed taking over groups. ENTJs have a strong urge to give structure wherever they are - to harness people to distant goals. Their empirical, objective, and extraverted thinking may be highly developed; if this is the case, they use classification, generalization, summarization, adduction of evidence, and demonstration with ease. They resemble the ESTJs in their tendency to establish plans for a task, enterprise, or organization, but ENTJs search more for policy and goals rather than for regulations and procedures.

ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshall and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader. The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan. One ENTJ put it this way... "I make these little plans that really don't have any importance to anyone else, and then feel compelled to carry them out." While "compelled" may not describe ENTJs as a group, nevertheless the bent to plan creatively and to make those plans realiity is a common theme for NJ types.

ENTJs are often "larger than life" in describing their projects or proposals. This ability may be expressed as salesmanship, story-telling facility or stand-up comedy. In combination with the natural propensity for filibuster, our hero can make it very difficult for the customer to decline.

ENTJs are decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows. Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell. When challenged, the ENTJ may by reflex become argumentative. Alternatively (s)he may unleash an icy gaze that serves notice: the ENTJ is not one to be trifled with.

If you want to find out your personality type, click here. If you want to read more about ENTJ's (why you would, I don't know...but just in case), click here.

Punching your attorney equals a mistrial PLUS the satisfaction of...uh...punching your attorney.

Apparently this judge never heard that you shouldn't reward bad behavior...doesn't he know it just leads to more negative attention seeking? Geez. What Would Dr. Phil Say (WWDPS)?

1/8 of my summer internship...DONE

So, I am one week into my eight week internship and I have nothing really too interesting to report (at least nothing that's going on the blog). I got a couple of projects yesterday and today...both are pretty run-of-the-mill summer intern fare, I think. The other interns are still wholesome and still from better schools than me. Don't think that's gonna change much...well, I'm gonna work on un-wholesome-ing them, but it could be an exercise in futility. I set up our first group happy hour for next Friday (they needed time to get used to the idea), so we'll see how that goes.

In the meantime, it started POURING down rain today just as I got off the Metro, so I walked home in the rain and honestly, I sort of felt like I was back in Thinly Veiled Pacific Northwest Metropolis, and I even missed it just a little...isn't that sick? A girl who goes to my school and lives near here has offered to be my friend and take me out with some of her other friends tomorrow night (hopefully), so maybe that will yield a little something I like to call...A LIFE. I still plan on a dizzying day of consumerism and tourism tomorrow, provided the weather isn't terrible...my tourist identification uniform is in the wash as I write. So, in synopsis, I've been working for one week and I've learned the following:

1) Cubicles were invented by the Devil right after he retired from his job as head of Financial Aid...thankfully though I get to hear the woman next to me talk about who is going to pick up the birthday cake for her sister's husband's nephew's girlfriend's cousin's birthday party.
2) Beware the human welcome wagon intern...no good can come of that.
3) Scary crazy people ride the Metro, except me of course...I'm not scary...or crazy...no siree.
4) Chinatown has good Chinese food, and the mall has bad Chinese food...go figure.
5) Lifelong foot deformity is a small price to pay for looking taller by wearing pointy-toed high heels.
6) In the face of sheer boredom, I check my email approximately 8,527,831 times per day.
7) There are four places that sell Diet Coke within a five-minute walk from my apartment...thank god.

That's it for now...next week hopefully will be just as "exciting" as this week...if not maybe I'll buy a Chia Pet and report daily on its growth progress or something. Sigh.

And the Survey says....

Men either ARE or ARE NOT into getting married and either DO or DO NOT trust women and the institution of marriage. I love it when a survey really gets at the issues...I mean really drills down to the one thing that's important...which apparently is this lady getting to write yet another crappy book (she's the author of "Why There Are No Good Men Left"...a literary masterpiece I'm sure).

Fruit from the Horny Tree

Now honey, eat your aguaje...you know it gives you big boobs and makes you horny. Nice.

Rabble Rousing and 1L DRAMA...

Email from my CrimLaw Prof yesterday (for background...we were in a class that was supposed to earn grades based on reaching a certain point level. Points were earned through writing papers, answering book questions, and various forms of participation...we were assured NUMEROUS times that if we achieved the cutoff levels for certain grades, that is what we would make...that he would "fight" to ensure that any students who earned an 'A' got an 'A'...):

I have just received the grades in Criminal Law (they were determined anonymously, based on adding up the numbers), and I am extremely frustrated! Although I gave the maximum allowable grades in every category (A, A-, B+), almost all students received grades lower than they deserved.

The categories I stated at the beginning of the course for the various grade levels were based on past experience and the point levels I thought students needed to reach to demonstrate proficiency at that level.

Based on my stated criteria and standards, every student in Criminal Law who received an A- (and even a number who received a B+) *deserved* an A. Most people who received a B+ deserved an A-.

Even worse, I was required by Law School rules to give a minimum of 16 grades of B or lower. That means that even those who should have received an A- would get a B or lower, if their total fell in that group of 16.

Adding to the unfairness is the fact that, because I graded the papers "on their merit," rather than on some curve, the total points students earned were not only high, but very tightly bunched -- just a few points could end up making the difference between A and B+.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about the unfairness this year. I will be continuing to try to find a way to improve the situation in the future. If any of you can think of a creative way to produce a fairer result within the strictures of the first-year mandatory curve, please let me know.

In the meantime, please be assured that, in my mind, the grade you *earned* by virtue of the point totals you achieved is the grade that indicates your performance in the class. I know that is small compensation if you received a B+ that should have been an A, but please feel free to use me as a reference. If you let me know your point total, I would be more than willing to tell any potential employer about the quality of your work based on your overall performance and not the Law School's grading system.

Also, I don't like being a "rabble-rouser," but if I were a first-year student, I would be organizing an effort to convince the faculty that requiring that at least 25% of every class must receive a B or lower is not fair, given the quality of our students and the amount of effort they put into their courses.

But, in the end, it is summer, you survived your first year, law school gets much better after the first year, and hopefully what you will retain from Criminal Law is what your learned and the skills you developed -- rather than any particular grade.

This is what happens when a Prof who is very vocally opposed to the "mandatory curve" and our school's current grading system uses his 1L class as test subjects and in the end most,if not all of us, get screwed over. My grade when down almost a full letter from what I was led to believe I had earned. Yeah...I'm kinda pissed.

Judge + Penis Pump + Shaving Willy at Work = LAWSUIT

This judge NOT ONLY used his "gag gift" penis pump while he was hearing cases (witnesses say it sounded like a blood pressure cuff inflating...har har)...but he SHAVED his nasty wang while court was in session in front of the stenographer. WTF???

DJ Tommy "Camera Ready" Lee

Oh my god, apparently Tommy Lee is DJ'ing Father's Day parties now. I guess the amateur porn industry was already done full up. Seriously though...shouldn't he have enough money/celebrity to be above this kind of thing? What's next? Balloon animals at the County Fair? Recording cell phone voicemail messages for like $10 a pop?

The Corpse Flower...for when you care enough to send something that smells like 3-day old roadkill!

God, it smells like something died in here! Oh wait, that's just my blooming corpse flower...isn't it neat!

Adventures in interning AND sightseeing!

Today I took my first Fraggle-ific exploration into the world outside my apartment. I came home early, put on my tourist identification outfit (capris, T-shirt from Brewery in Thinly Veiled Northwest Metropolis, and 1/35th of the Chuck Taylor All-Star Shoe collection...the Blue Hawaiians if you must know), and walked many blocks to Chinatown and Judiciary Square, home of the National Building Museum...which I didn't go into but was a very attractive building (I guess that only seems right...).

In Chinatown I saw a restaurant called New Big Wong. Really. I didn't eat there (no pun intended...well, maybe it was a little bit intended) but I did get chinese food at another place, and it was really, really good...of course that could have been because I was walking around in the heat for like five thousand hours.

Work is going OK. There's not much I can talk about on here. Today I got a kinda-sorta research project that theoretically sounded interesting but in reality is going to be pretty routine I think. Other than that, the interns are VERY low-key. I think perhaps at the end of the summer I will have more to say about them...generally speaking...they are all nice people from (mostly) better schools than me.

Today they played that game at lunch where you try to decide what you would do between two really bad choices. Here's the worst thing they came up with (in an ENTIRE hour of playing...they do this almost every day at lunch):

Would you rather....

Laugh at a funeral or sleep through your graduation from law school.

I can't make this up folks. Like I said, they're really nice people, but I almost don't know what to do with a group this wholesome. I feel sort of internally sinful all the time and I am having to reign in my mouth BIG-TIME. I have yet to hear anyone utter a curse word, and today one of the guys said "butthead" then turned red and immediately apologized and looked like he was going to have a breakdown. I, on the other hand, am like those people who get so proficient in another language that they dream in it...only I dream in four-letter words, beer, dirty jokes, and just general loud obnoxiousness. It's gonna be a long summer!

Just Because: The Franchise

In the Soupie's BBQ & Daycare tradition, Favorable Dicta will be having a Just Because boy once a week (not every day...too busy), on Wednesdays (it's hump-day, get it? huh? huh? do ya?). So, I will take any and all suggestions but reserve the right to final selection...which means don't complain when you see James Spader up here...he's HOT (incidentally Larry thinks so too, which makes me think I'm in good company as she undoubtably has better judgment than me, what with my shady divorcee past and all...). So, without further ado...here is #1:

Just Because: The Rock

Blog I'm reading this week...

It's rare for me to give a personal endorsement for a blog (more out of laziness than anything else...I love everyone equally!!), but Waiting for the Punchline has been tremendously entertaining all summer, so consider it endorsed. The author is in China and the posts about her summer have been really great (way better than my lame attempts anyway). So, go read it. C'mon, you know you want to.

Interning 101

Over the course of the summer I thought I would give out some tips for people who think they might like to come to D.C. to be an intern. I would remind you that I have been an intern for TWO WHOLE DAYS and as such, should be considered an expert and treated accordingly. Thank you.

1. Make sure to arrive last (it helps to go to a school on quarters)...that way everyone will be extra-awed by you and will pretend not to notice that you've even arrived or give you a desk or a computer or anything...they're just jealous of your tardiness.

2. If you possibly can, come to a city with a Metro. That way you won't miss the experience of being crammed into a coffin on rails with burnt umber deathseats and a whole gaggle of pissed off people who just want to get home and have a beer and a cigarette. If one of them rolls over your toe with their extra-super-huge briefcase on wheels and then looks at you like you are the asshole, just smile and realize that he is probably jealous of your beautiful sneakers (which you have to wear because standing up on the Metro for forty-five minutes each way in high-heels has already permanently deformed your feet) and he just doesn't know how to express his envy and covetousness in a socially acceptable manner.

3. Make sure to show up on your first day of work bright-eyed and bushy-tailed...and ready to watch a fifteen-thousand-hour CD about the MOST boring aspect of your job. Don't forget that there will be a quiz. It will be really hard because it will be comprised of all the post-section review questions...but the ANSWERS will be in a DIFFERENT ORDER. Don't worry though...you can take it as many times as you need to in order to pass. They encourage excellence through repetitiveness...kind of like dog-training...only no treats.

4. If you are addicted to a substance...say...Diet Coke...make sure to choose a city that only sells Diet Pepsi. Also, it helps to work with a bunch of other interns who are all fitness freaks and health-food junkies...those scathing looks they give you when you wax poetic about the beauty of aspartame?? JEALOUSY!!!

I will have more later...I think that I am going to try to write something about the intern "types" that I see both at work and on the metro and in other offices in my building.

Aside from that, I have decided that this weekend I will be going to The Smithsonian...and perhaps out for a beer if I can find someone to go with...the other interns don't seem to be too down with togetherness...so...gonna have to find a way around that. I didn't come to D.C. to spend the whole summer in my damn apartment, blogging and compulsively checking my email. No siree.

First things first...

In my post below about my nickname-to-be-determined-at-a-later-date British Friend, I used his super high-tech cell phone once to draw a picture...and color it. At the time (day after last final) I was attempting drunkenly to master a pictorial representation of "The Law" as imagined by me after one year of law school. He was kind enough to provide said picture...so here it is (try not to look directly at it, my hardcore artistic talent could blind you).

It's like trying to chase an ostrich with a scooter...

Poles and Rashes

Huh...a stripper with a rash...and a pole is the problem...no really, the metal pole. Geez. Get your minds out of the gutter!

Hello British Friend!

Apparently my British Friend (who shall remain nameless unless he emails me and tells me it's OK to use his first name) is peeved that I have yet to mention him on my blog. So here we go. British Friend is very cute, loves beer (almost as much as me), and is the funniest person I've met in a long time. He thinks it's funny that I use the word "whore" perhaps 52 times a day and always is amazed that I can call my friends "whore" as a term of endearment and they don't seem to mind. Hmmmm...what else can I say about him...he also let me draw a semi-moronic picture onto his cell phone/blackberry/garage door opener/pocketknife/cookie cutter/cigarette holder/pez dispenser/fortune telling/all in one wireless device. It is truly amazing...you can take the little pen and draw pictures and even color them in...and it makes phone calls too!! Also, my title on his cell phone is "Queen of the World"...HELL YEAH!

So, my British Friend...sorry for not posting about you sooner...I've just been busy moving. I went to a pub the other night and there was a million kinds of English beers and I wanted to call and ask you which one I should have but I didn't have your number...so call me and tell me what kind of beer I should drink. I need guidance that only you can give!!

Financial Aid...The UPDATE

So, today I cancelled the portion of my summer loan which (unfortuitously) was going to be disbursed during the year, which, as I stated below, is not when I need it...and reapplied with the correct dates for the same amount. So, what I'm trying to tell you is that it's the same damn amount of money, only with different dates. The school says it's up to the bank whether they want to extend me the credit...IT'S THE SAME DAMN AMOUNT OF MONEY. The bank says the school could just change the disbursement dates...STILL THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY. None of them seem willing to help me out, especially the financial aid spokesatan, who basically told me (in a "polite" way) to go eff myself and get out of his hair. By the way...it's the SAME EFFING AMOUNT OF MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I called my parents last night in total hysterics convinced of impending doom and homelessness, and my father, between my sniffled and teary wishes for a Happy Father's Day, said they would send me money and they love me and I shouldn't worry about these things because this is a great opportunity for me and they're so proud that I'm doing well in school and that I got such a wonderful job at a place that is really right for me and I'm such a good daughter and I never have to worry because they'll always be there for me. It made me so happy to realize I come from such good people, I've always been pretty close to them, but this is sort of above and beyond, and I feel so much better just knowing that I won't have to live in a shopping cart or beg for Diet Coke money. Yay for my parents! They rock!

D.C. = Air Conditioning EVERYWHERE, Crowded Metro Trains, and HOT Boys!

Today was my first day as an intern. It was pretty OK. They made me sign a bunch of forms that said I wouldn't talk about anything I'm up to (names and case details and whatnot anyway), but I wasn't going to do that anyway, so I think I'm safe. On an interesting note, I have seen more hot guys in one day here than I saw in an entire year in Thinly Veiled Pacific Northwest Metropolis. Yay for eyecandy! Anyway, I have to run (or perhaps Metro) my way to the library to get some books before I turn into a lunatic...but I know you'll all be happy to know that my sheets and pillows arrived today so tonight I am going to sleep the peaceful and contented sleep of a woman who has Diet Coke, Air Conditioning, and an abundance of pillows (at least temporarily until I get kicked out due to the incompetence of Financial Aid -- see post below). More to come later on first day at work...but gotta get to the library before it closes.

Financial Aid...The Minions of Satan Strike Again

Dear Financial Aid Office,

I wanted to thank you for your recent advice to take out a private loan to cover my summer expenses while working in D.C. at my internship which is for school credit this summer. I did exactly that, and was thrilled when my loan was approved and you nice folks emailed me to tell me I would be getting my money last week.

Of course, my joy quickly turned to sadness when I had not received the money by Friday, and I accidentally bounced a check. Oops! But, I guess that happens in student life sometimes, so I didn't say anything and continued to look for that direct deposit...AS PROMISED BY YOUR OFFICE LAST TUESDAY.

So, you can imagine my disappointment when I learned that your office had completely fucked me over, and decided to disburse the private loan I got FOR SUMMER QUARTER over the course of the next four quarters. While I guess it does make sense, if you're say...a chimp, the fact that I have $6000 of unmet need this quarter and NONE FOR THE NEXT THREE EFFING QUARTERS should have potentially been a clue. I'm just saying. So, I'm sitting in my lovely apartment in Washington D.C., thinking about how nice it is (I mean, I have A/C and fast internet and...you know...A SHOWER...HELLO!!) and how bad it's gonna suck ass to live in a cardboard box on the street...and how I wouldn't have had 5 drinks last night, or a nice dinner, or dinner at all, if I had known...and I'm wondering how it feels to be the most satanic, summer-ruining, moronic, ass-monkeys on the entire planet?

Tell your leader (Mr. SATAN) that I am going to think of him while I'm changing my porch light to red and trying to find a stray dog I can use in my bid to spare change everyone on this block until I can buy my effing Diet Coke every day...I HAVE NEEDS YOU KNOW!!!!!

It's good for you that I am very far away. It's also good for you that the Museum of Natural History is free. Nobody stands between me and minerals and gems and other natural shit. NOBODY! So, thanks again for the memories...it's too bad I'll probably need shock-treatment after the level of hysteria that I've maintained for most of the afternoon. Perhaps we can add it to my student-budget! Wouldn't that be fun? You suck.

Yours in eternal hatred and bitterness,

Energy Spatula

I'm baaaaaack

OK...I FINALLY made it back to D.C. today. I ended up having to take the Amtrak, a lovely 4 hour ride ending at Union Station in D.C., which, thankfully, had Diet Coke. I bought four bottles and hightailed it home. The weather is beautiful here today so I can't even complain though...it's gorgeous!

Stomp last night was fabulous. It's an amazing show, very entertaining and MY GOD those dancers are in good shape. Jesus. Then we went dancing and boozing, so got back to my friend's house at 3am, just in time to get up and catch the train at 7am. I will tell you I am WAY too old for this crap.

And, on that happy note, I am exhausted and still have yet to crack the write-on packet open, so I think it's nap time for me right now. I will be back later with scintillating news stories and witty commentary on the day to day happenings of my (obviously) very hip life. Tomorrow is the first day of work (SCARY SCARY SCARY), so I'm sure there will be much to tell after that. I'm off to hydrate and try to cleanse my aura or find my spirit or whatever that crap is that Oprah's always trying to get us to do.

The eternal question: What is a stick?

This man asks...what is a stick? Well...apparently it "It must be wood. It cannot be more than 2 inches wide. It cannot be more than a quarter of an inch thick. It cannot be more than three quarters of an inch in diameter. It must be blunt on both ends." Do you think she thought he said popsicle stick? I mean, like say for instance I was going to beat the hell out of someone driving 40 m.p.h. on the freeway, clogging up traffic for miles around, with no apparent idea that they are the cause for the road rage of approximately 1.4M other people on the road...I would need a much bigger stick! The one described above just wouldn't do. Perhaps I will sue too...I'm going to need a much broader definition so I can "express" myself properly.

Traffic...the antidote to peace and love

OK...so yesterday I drove to D.C. to stick my suitcases in my summer apartment and do a few errands...it was supposed to be a "short" trip just to get semi-moved-in. The trip there was rather uneventful, I didn't get lost or wreck my friend's car...and I had five Jimmy Buffett CD's to listen to...AND plenty of Diet Coke. Life was good. Got to D.C. and the place where I'm supposed to be has NO parking at all. So, I pay $15 to park for like, an hour, under some building and head up to the office to get my key and whatnot. The apartment is nice...better than where I came from. The roommate had stuff around but no beer in the fridge (hmmmmmm...hope that's not an indication of anything), but it was clean and had a great view...happiness. All the great things you think about when you think "D.C." are right outside my door, so I'm excited about that because when we lived in Fairfax when I was a kid, my dad commuted to the Pentagon and we only got to go into the city on "special occasions." My dad in fact had taken me to watch a bill being passed into law one day...and all of the sudden everyone freaked out and we didn't know what was going but they shooed us out the door and we weren't allowed back in...when we got to the car and turned on the radio it turned out the Challenger had just exploded. After that it was strictly to The Smithsonian and back a couple times a year, and every once in a while we got to meet my dad for a soft pretzel at this place he loved under the Pentagon.

Anyway, the point of this story is that after I lugged my suitcases up to my place in the heat, dealt with the parking situation, etc...I needed to run back here since I was in my friend's car. And it was 2pm so I didn't think traffic would be that horrible, at least once I got outside the city. But then God decided to teach me a lesson about what happens when I think. 3 hours later I had barely gone 30 miles. I finally ended up getting off on some two-lane highway and ended up taking twice as long to get back because the speed limit was 45 most of the way. So, all in all I spent 9 hours yesterday driving...to go a round-trip total of about 300 miles. Yeah.

So, tonight we're off to see Stomp, and then tomorrow I go back to D.C. to do my write-on (hopefully) and figure out how all this Metro nonsense works...and also where I'm supposed to be Monday morning. I'm sure my first day of Metro riding and pantyhose will produce some sort of an amusing anecdote for my faithful reader. Tomorrow evening when I get back perhaps there will be a review of Stomp and the continuation of the horrible frustrating day story from yesterday (oh YES...there IS more!!).

Energy Spatula is Greek for ROAD RAGE

I just returned from the most heinous drive ever...I got to D.C. in two and a half hours, I got home from D.C. in just under 6. SIX EFFING HOURS to go 160 miles. That is frigging ridiculous. I am so totally road raged up right now I think I could kill someone with just my mind and the projection of my pent-up anger.

Tomorrow, when I have calmed down significantly, I will be back with the whole sordid tale including a description of my new digs...much nicer than my old ones and only a hop, skip, and a lie from Capitol Hill. Fabulous.

I love beer, and beer loves me

"Scientists continue to say that beer is full of goodness and can help fight disease." Need I say more? I think not.

Also, as has been recently pointed out to me via Slithery D, it is possible I have spoken too much lately of my love of beer...my google ads at the top of my page are all targeted to alcoholics and teenage drinkers (maybe I look younger to Google?). Oh well, I do love beer, but so far not in any self-destructive way, so Spaten, Chimay, Bitburger, Harp...you'll still be able to find them all at this site, guilt-inducing google ads be damned!

In the immortal words of Jimmy: Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?

I have to say, normally I think my life is probably more of an "R"...but there's something about post-exam hedonism that artificially inflates the rating, all that cussing and drinking and whatnot. Yeah...that's my story and I'm sticking to it, I'm a nice girl from a nice family. Really.


My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Link via Wayne at Inter Alia

Turbulence: The Motion Sick Picture

I made it to Virginia last night, and thanks to basically the entire Midwest, I got here shaken and not stirred. I swear the plane actually got here by rolling end over end...I don't believe that we ever took off or actually made it into the air. I did not read/look at/work on my law review write-on packet. It has to be done by Tuesday if I am going to compete so I can overnight it back to school...I feel like subconsciously I'm making a decision here, but maybe I'll get it together...who knows.

Here's a recap of the past couple days.

First, I have two gigantic suitcases that both weigh approximately 539 pounds each. Only one has wheels. As I attempted to haul these through the hotel and the airport, not one, not two, but THREE different creepy old men commented on the size of my suitcases and how strong I must be to carry them all by myself. Yeah thanks. Nothing makes me happier than for strangers to point out that I look like an ox in public. Also, please don't offer to help or hold a door open asshole, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

Second, during the layover in Las Vegas, I lost $20 on the slots in less that 5 minutes so I decided to just go stand in line and wait for the plane to board. Behind me was a man and a woman who pretty clearly had come to Vegas for a business trip of some sort, and while drunk had "related" to each other. She was hideous and he was a relatively attractive guy...he looked like every single guy I went to high school with in Florida (there's just a certain "look" that screams -- "I'm from a trailer park in South Florida")...but still pretty cute. They were exchanging last names and political affiliations and then she told him he looked like George Clooney...ummmmmm...no. But she goes on and on in this really annoying nasally voice for like 15 minutes about how hot he is and between every word she leans over to kiss him or touch him and he is clearly getting so freaked out...the wheels are turning to the tune of "Fatal Attraction." Then she tells him that people tell her she looks like Sigourney Weaver and that she saw Sigourney Weaver in New York once and they were about the same size and weight and had the same hair, so she believes it. At which point he busts out with "You look nothing like Sigourney Weaver...she's thin...and tall...and...attractive." This woman just leaned over and kissed him and let it go, but I actually laughed out loud. I think he's stuck with her forever.

Lastly, if you are the parent with a child who just randomly stands up, balls up his fists, and screams as loud as he can for as long as he can, and you laugh and think it's cute, even on an airplane...you suck. Not funny.

Alright, so tomorrow I drive into D.C. to check into my apartment and then there is a whirlwind of activity until Sunday when hopefully I get dropped off there relatively early so I can get settled in, figure out how to get to work, and potentially do this write-on thing...but that's still up in the air. Posting may be random and light, but I'm gonna try to put up at least one a day, we'll see how that works out.

P.S. It's so HOT here. I had forgotten (or blocked it out). When I left Thinly Veiled Pacific Northwest University it was in the 50's...we've been wearing jackets for the past few days...I hope I don't spontaneously combust this summer or die of a festering heat rash. And I'm pretty sure Texas was this hot, but one year away and I've turned into a total pansy.

Chow*

Yup...I'm off to the hotel to steal the towels and drink alone...just another productive day in the life of a 1.5L (I'm not sure I'm a 2L until I pass Property and that is an iffy proposition). No blogging for at least tomorrow as I will be flying to Virginia to stay with one of my Air Force buddies for a few days before I start work in D.C. on Monday (Work=Big Scary Knot in the Pit of My Stomach). We are going to see Stomp on Saturday night, and hopefully buying some work clothes since I'm pretty sure my collection of Chuck Taylors (35 pairs and counting) and a pair of pajama pants with cute potbellied, goateed devils on them aren't going to get me through the summer. She even has a real house and two dogs...it will be my reintroduction to life as a human. Where people take care of themselves. And go to work. And have LEISURE time. Weird.

I have yet to register for fall classes since the system today told me I don't have "permission" which I'm pretty sure is what I got by going through not one, but TWO, lotteries to end up in Basic Income Tax and Bankruptcy in the same quarter. It's a shame because I had SOOOOO been looking forward to registering for both of those...

So, back on Thursday probably...be good while I'm gone. Let the dog out more than once a day. Don't prank call that pizza place again...you know how your father hates that. And no boys in the house!

*Chow: Meaning goodbye in Italian if you're the total dumbass in my Torts class who considers yourself very cosmopolitan and yet are unafraid to use "Chow" to close out an email to an entire discussion group. Addveederzane.

Dumbass: The Human Torch

Finally one of these morons lives! I was beginning to think Team Natural Selection would never happen...and after we got a mascot and everything. Whew...this is a load off of my mind.

My unfunny take on a funny story (I tried...I swear)

I came up to the law school today to sit in the library and play Bejeweled since technically I was supposed to be out of the apartment yesterday afternoon, and it reminded me that I have been thinking on and off about whether to do some kind of "1L yearly wrap-up post" or something. I think I won't just because I'm not sure my experience in law school even roughly translates into something that is applicable to other students. If ever a non-traditional student or a military person thinking about going to law school happens upon this site, send me an email and I'll be happy to hand out some pearls of wisdom (example: Play Bejeweled on the "timed" setting...you get more points that way, or Stay away from microphones...they're the devil).

However, I thought I would recount possibly the funniest thing that happened in class all year (by a student...by a professor is definitely this).

We're all sitting in Contracts (about 65 people) listening to our professor just sort of randomly tear apart one of our classmates about some case, I can't even remember what it was now (perhaps Threadgill v Peabody Coal Co., my favorite case all year -- number of times the phrase "the probe is stuck in the hole" was used in class? Approximately 7,435). And this girl is clearly struggling with the material and the professor just won't let go...it's excruciating to watch. So, all of the sudden one of the guys from our small group just falls out of his chair and rolls partially down the stairs that lead up to the student seating area...sending notes and pencils flying and knocking the chair over. Every single one of us turned around and just stared for a second and then the hysterical laughter started...except for the professor of course who looked totally bewildered. So, this guy stands up, puts his chair upright and goes "I'm FINE...I don't know WHAT just happened...I just FELL RIGHT OUT OF MY CHAIR." Found out later he had promised to do this stunt for a pack of Skittles the next time someone was floundering. My telling doesn't do it justice, but it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

The Drunk leading The Blind

Man 1: "Oh my god dude, this is gonna be so funny...let's take the golf cart out for a spin!"
Man 2: "But I'm blind"
Man 1: "That's fine, I'll give you directions...oh my god, this is gonna be so funny...hurry up, let's go!"
Man 2: "But you're drunk!"
Man 1: "That's OK...so are you. Now get that guide dog up here...where do you wanna go first? Strip Club? Liquor Store? THE FALAFEL HUT??!!"

On the upside, they at least admit to having 6 or 7 beers...no one is gonna believe 2, might as well not even try it I guess.

Studs. Heh heh.

This morning I am waiting for the inspectors to come check out my apartment and then I'm heading out to the hotel that I'm going to stay in tonight so I can work on my law review write-on (read: watch 3 channels of HBO and hit the hotel bar)...I have no hammer anymore so I just spent the better part of my morning trying to pull nails out of the wall with my hands and various other home-spun devices like the "knife and fork nail removers" and the "use another nail for leverage nail remover" and my personal favorite, the "I don't need this highlighter anymore so I'll break it trying to get the nail out of the wall nail remover." There are three still left. I think, despite the fact that when I owned my own home and was hanging things on the wall I couldn't have found a stud to save my life, I actually managed to get three nails here directly into the support beams in a room roughly the size of a Saltines box. Fabulous.

"Please don't touch the jailbait"

Apparently men in Virginia are knocking up too many teenage girls...so here come the billboards. Featured ads are "Isn't she a little young?" and "Sex with a minor, don't go there." The best part is that they encourage men who are having sex with 13 and 14 year old girls to talk to thier peers to get support so they can be discouraged from doing this. Yeah, because I'm sure that's gonna work. "So, Dan, Ted, Mike...I called you down here to the Old Fat White Guys Country Club today to tell you I've been boning a 13 year old...I would love your support while I try to get through this difficult time...where the hell is my martini...my god, what the hell is this country coming to?"

Uh huh.

Hurray for more beer!

Last night I honored my Irish heritage by going out and drinking beer. Tonight, I will be honoring my German heritage by...well...doing the same thing actually. Spaten Optimator and schnitzel...life is good.

Attack of the really bad (but lovable) movies.

Fitz-Hume over at Begging the Question has a list of the Top 10 Bad Movies he enjoys. So, because I love bad movies, and I have nothing to write about except for boxes and apartment cleaning...here's mine.

1. Clash of the Titans
2. Grease 2
3. The Beastmaster
4. Flash Gordon
5. Roadhouse
6. Firewalker
7. Super Mario Bros
8. Shag
9. Girls Just Want To Have Fun
10. My Stepmother is an Alien

For the record, I could go on and on with this. My mom, bless her heart, will watch any movie with the words "kickboxer," "destroyer," "killer fill-in-the-blanks," "giant fill-in-the-slimy/scary-animal," or "part 4" in the title, so I grew up in a house of bad movies. While the other little girls wanted to be Barbie...I was pretty focused on being Brigitte Nielson. Scary, I know. I will also say that I LOVE those really horrible made for TV movies on the ABC Family Channel. They are always a really sappy love story about a girl and a boy who are just meant to be together and everything works out. That would basically be the antithesis of my relationship experience, but I'm willing to suspend my disbelief.

Nude dumbasses on parade.

Hmmmm...I want to protest world dependence on oil...what should I do? I KNOW! I will get together a bunch of men and have a naked bike ride...because what could be more comfortable for a man than riding a bike naked? I mean sure, the only people who will pay attention are the cops and the people who think we're freaks...but whatever. Bike riding in the nude, it ROCKS (although if it were ME, I would leave the "codpiece fashioned from a plush toy" at home...that's for special occasions ONLY).

New uses for swizzle sticks...

This is actually kind of disturbing. It's one thing to be sexually violated while you're passed out drunk by your coworkers...it's quite another for them to do it with pink flamingo swizzle sticks. I mean, really. Once again though...a note to criminals...maybe quit taking the pictures with the digital cameras, can't you see that always ends up bad?

White Lightning

From West Virgia to Iran...moonshine kills.

Sunday Night Sing-a-long

Tonight we went to an Irish bar and listened to a nice man sing some fun songs and I felt like singing because I'm a little drunk and for some reason that brings out the music loving singer in me. It's weird to be having all these "let's go out because I'm leaving and it's an excuse to get drunk nights" when I'm only leaving for a few weeks and coming back in August. I'm used to the Air Force where you have a massive going away party, get totally blitzed, and then move on to your next place...never to return (although unfortunately sometimes you see those people again which is always a little bit awkward and a little bit funny).

I've decided to stay at a hotel on Tuesday until I leave Wednesday, but I'm pretty sure that despite my best "productive" intentions (i.e., law review write-on) I will end up babysitting the mini-bar and watching HBO. I love the idea of lying in bed for a whole day watching T.V. away from school and the phone and everything...I even bought a book and some new nail polish...see, I can be productive!!

Isn't the end of 1L weird? So anticlimactic and yet totally nervewracking...so many errands still to do, law review write-on, grades still hanging out there in the ether somewhere. Strange.

Monkeyfishing...aka "electrocuting stupid catfish is fun"

These two idiots were caught illegally monkeyfishing in Florida. Monkeyfishing is apparently sending a shock through the water that causes the fish to all come to the surface where you then scoop them up...the best part about this story, besides the word monkeyfishing of course, is that these two guys are actually named Leo and Luther Bright. As a person who spent several years in Florida between college and the military I can just see these yahoos standing out in a swamp with overalls on laughing with glee as they scoop up some traumatized nasty catfish. Once again, Carl Hiaasen would be proud (don't judge him by Strip Tease...his books are wonderful and capture the absolute ridiculousness of South Florida perfectly).

Moving Day Part Two

Today my dad showed up at the crack of dawn and helped move all my stuff out. So now I am sitting in my almost totally empty (except for trash and cookies and empty Diet Coke bottles) glorified graduate student dorm room. I have to spend the rest of the day doing the requisite move-out cleaning and whatnot.

I started the day trying to change my address to my new D.C. place and the US Postal Service website has informed me that my new address does not exist. This is troubling considering the amount of money I have given these people. It's like "no, no, no...it's the third cardboard box to the LEFT...that's right, next to the purple shopping cart." Oh well, guess that will be an adventure for when I get there. Now I only have about 432 things left to do on my list and I'll be ready to leave on Wednesday. Fun.

We are going to see Stepford Wives this afternoon, so maybe that will give me something good to post about later...not that I don't think you are all just as fascinated with my cleaning processes and mail forwarding trauma as I am.

Moving Day Part One

Today my dad came up to help move my stuff back to their place for the summer...he took one look at the state of my room, heaved a HUGE SIGH, and then said he would be back at 6 a.m. and everything should be ready to go. He handed me two rolls of duct tape, and skedaddled back to his hotel. 6 freaking a.m....is he kidding? So, I will be getting about 3 hours of sleep and then walking up and down 5 flights of stairs four hundred times before the sun even comes up. This is an evil and terrible way to make me spend my first weekend as a post-1L.

The good news is, that instead of wrapping and boxing and taping, I watched Bridget Jones's Diary with the roomie and am now madly in love with Colin Firth for the thirty seventh time. Every time I watch that movie I become a huge sap in a way that I can't say I'm prone to in real life...or at least not that I would admit to. I get all crazy about John Hannah every time I watch Sliding Doors too. And James Spader in Secretary (although that perhaps is not in fitting with the traditional romantic girl-meets-boy-and-it-turns-out-to-be-kismet story line in the other two...but somehow it's even better when the characters really do turn out to be meant for each other, even if it's through mutual love of a good spanking...every time I make a typo I just can't help but think of E. Edward Grey reaching for his red pen...yummy). Geez. Note to self: get life.

Surprise surprise...I'm a LOUD BOOK. Gee. Shocker.

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire
faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest
this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking
moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT
SOUNDS LIKE THIS!


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

(Link via Inter Alia)

Eau Du Skank

Britney Spears is launching a new fragrance line. It's going to smell like the sweat of millions of teenage girls trying to wear lowrider pants that look terrible on them.

The morning after...

Rather like turning 16, I looked in the mirror this morning and didn't LOOK like a 2L...hmmmm...rather unsatisfying don't you think?

I am not feeling all that horrible this morning thanks to (a) Larry's wonderful Pedialyte cure, and (b) sticking with high class booze all night (because I am a high class girl...duh!). On the other hand, I don't feel perfect either and my dad gets here in about 6 hours to help me move my stuff, which entails a lot of him sighing loudly and wondering why I can't pack boxes right and then deciding it's because I'm a girl, and dumb. Sigh. Gonna be a long day. I think I am going to take him to our favorite pizza place for dinner and then maybe to a movie...I'm not sure I've ever had to spend this much time alone with him in a row without my mom, promises to be entertaining.

Lastly, whoever the guy was that I accidentally called at 4am...yeah, I'm sorry about that. Thanks for patiently explaining to me that you were not my best friend M and that no, you weren't hiding her, and no, you weren't lying, and no, you didn't want to talk to me anyway. Oops.

Done.

Done! Done! Drunk! More drinking!

Back tomorrow.

Finally...the final final.

15 hours until my last 1L final...the evil and dreaded Property exam. I still have no idea what's going on, but I do have a pretty comprehensive outline (thanks much more responsible friends!!), and barring any pre-exam terrible accidents involving woodchippers or oncoming trucks, the ability to read and look stuff up in the book should I become completely unable to come up with the answer that a reasonable first year law student would give.

It's almost over. It feels weird. There's still SO much to do to get moved out and make the whole cross country summer move thing happen that I almost don't feel like I'm really done tomorrow. But, of course, I'm not going to let that stop me from drinking myself into a stupor. Financial aid can just wait until Monday to get straightened out, and if I don't pack all the stuff I need for the summer it gives me an excuse to shop in D.C. See...aren't I just a ray of positivity? It's unlike me, I know. But the prospect of booze and having an exam-free life for a couple of months after tomorrow has me all giddy inside...the giddiness is buried under the dark circles and caffeine headache and the new all-chocolate-all-the-time diet plan, but it's there.

So, next time I talk to you all I'll be a 2L of sorts...and probably drunk...won't that be fun for all of us? For those of you who read this and are "lucky" enough to be my real-life friends, I would advise you to turn off the cell phones tomorrow night if you're not interested in the inevitable drunk dial (I'm apparently not the only one with this problem either).

A typical drunken voicemail from me usually lasts as long as the phone will let you record before it cuts you off and goes something like this:

"ish me and i wantsh you to know thatsh i loveses you and you are my bestest friensh and i love you forever and if i wasn't a boy i would marry you..i mean if i washn't a girl...i'm a girl...you're a girl and i'm a girl and sho we've not to get married but you're still my friend and i loves you!!!!"

What can I say? I'm a class act at all times!

The Simple Life: Entitled Princesses Gone Wild

I think this excerpt says it all:

Hilton and Richie, daughter of Lionel Richie, stay with local families and do an assortment of jobs, including stuffing sausages.

Stuffing them where?

Mourning another loss from Team Natural Selection.

Friend 1: "Hey, look at this"
Friend 2: "What is it"
Friend 1: "A grenade...look, if you just pull this weird little paper-clippy thing out of it you can see it betteKABOOM"

A horse is a bird. A pony is a small bird. Bring on the exam.

United States v. Byrnes, 644 F.2d 107, 112 (U.S. App. , 1981

No birds have been indicted and there is no indication in the record that they were even aware of, much less participated in, the criminal activity unearthed by the grand jury.

From the same case:

For a liberal construction of the term "birds," by a Canadian court see Regina v. Ojibway, 8 Criminal Law Quarterly 137 (1965-66) (Op. Blue, J.), holding that an Indian who shot a pony which had broken a leg and was saddled with a downy pillow had violated the Small Birds Act which defined a "bird" as "a two legged animal covered with feathers." The court reasoned that the statutory definition

"does not imply that only two-legged animals qualify, for the legislative intent is to make two legs merely the minimum requirement... Counsel submits that having regard to the purpose of the statute only small animals "naturally covered' with feathers could have been contemplated. However, had this been the intention of the legislature, I am certain that the phrase "naturally covered' would have been expressly inserted just as "Long' was inserted in the Longshoreman's Act.

"Therefore, a horse with feathers on its back must be deemed for the purpose of this Act to be a bird, a fortiori, a pony with feathers on its back is a small bird." Id. at 139.

Meet the mascot for Team Natural Selection.

I will be taking suggestions for a name for the ugliest team mascot ever.

Update. Study time is dirty mind time.

From a so-called "scholarly" work on Nuisance Law:

"This approach touches nuisance law in suggestive ways, where relationships between the parties are strongly reciprocal, and friction minimization is within reach."

I almost had to leave the library because I was laughing so hard. See #3 below: I am the most immature person ever.

My nemesis = Property

I have been in the library for almost five hours already studying for my property final on Friday morning. Property is a 2 quarter class here, and thus worth 8 credits. If you really screw up an 8 credit class, that is a bad thing. This is what I have already learned this morning:

1. I can drink three 20oz bottles of Diet Coke in a row before I start to tremble so bad I can't type anymore.
2. Negligent withdrawal is funny. Every. Single. Time.
3. I am the most immature person ever.
4. Undergrads who use the law library to study in during finals are taking their lives into their own hands. I don't care how tight your pink velour J-Lo sweatpants are. Go away.
5. The clickety-clack of a couple hundred people outlining is like law school water torture...it slowly drives the nail of insanity further and further into your cerebral cortex until finally you give in to the urge to run from the room screaming "YOU CAN SHOVE THIS SERVITUDE RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!"
6. Snack food is of the utmost importance. Mmmmmm. Snacks.
7. Humpback chub. Heh heh.

OK...I wanted to have 10 things but I've actually had so much caffeine I can't keep my train of thought on the track...so, perhaps later I will come up with three more. But, I wouldn't count on it. Here's what you can count on...I will helping a lot of people out with the curve on Friday.

Beer is good. I KNEW IT!

I've been praying for a sign that everything is going to be OK...and via Sugar Mr. Poon? an omen has appeared. Beer is good for you. Deep in my heart I know it must be true...I can just sense it.

As Benjamin Franklin told us: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to happy."

Amen.

McBattery

Uh...yes...I'll take the #3 Supersized with a side of uncontrollable rage.

Fun with lighter fluid.

I think we have our new candidate for "Team Natural Selection." I guess she showed him.

Boozing for Broads

Larry over at Lonestar Expat tried to help me out the other day after my gloriously long-lived and deeply felt hangover. Now, some Russian scientist is giving a class on boozing for broads. The best tip: Never drink on an empty stomach. Make sure to fill the stomach up. The best way?

"An ounce of vodka taken as immunization, say, a couple of hours before a party can reduce the adverse effects of alcohol, which you expectedly will have to consume."

This is good too...

As a rule, those drinks that are regarded as appropriate for ladies, e.g. liqueurs, vermouths or alcoholic cocktails are presumably to be used in small quantities. Whenever this rule is violated, these beverages play havoc with the state of our health the next day and sometimes the very same day.

OOOOOHHHHH!!!! Well, I guess I just need to drink more appropriately ladylike drinks. And maybe not 15 at a time. Damn. If only I had known.

Next I'll ram my ovapositor down your throat and lay eggs in your chest, but I'm not an alien

These people have offered up a form of money to be used in intergalactic business transactions. I just hope they take them at Quarks.

Well, whatever. The spokesman sounds perfectly sane:

"We are offering the galactos as a means of payment between plants. It will represent the Earth in financial relations in the Cosmos," Kiril Kanev, chairman of the Bulgarian foundation on cosmic intelligence research, said Sunday.

"Extra-terrestrials come into contact with insignificant, ordinary people. We're not talking about government-level relations," he added.

But he said high-level contacts to launch the "galactos" will be possible after peace is established among peoples on Earth," he said.

See?

Another one...

Suprisingly a guy stupid enough to try to set a house on fire without actually lighting anything has been caught at least 18 times before. Perhaps he should get together with the guy a couple posts down who is able to blow up his entire house using only some illicit firework ingredients and a metal spoon and cup. They could be "Team Natural Selection." Except the other guy already killed his dumb self. Guess we'll have to wait...oh...about 5 minutes for another dumbass to turn up.

ConLaw...Done!

ConLaw is officially a thing of the past for me. I successfully translated the two things I was absolutely sure of onto paper, although I am bewildered as to why he didn't include questions about those two things. I'm sure he'll appreciate the effort (and the brevity of my response) though. I cited the casebook as much as possible and threw in a couple blatant ass-kissing remarks though, so we'll just have to hope that keeps me within one standard deviation of the mean.

It's on to Property...otherwise known as "The subject I used to have a class in before I discovered Bejeweled and mentally divorced myself from the learning process." That is, of course, a patently untrue remark meant to be humorous if the Prof ever discovers this blog and reads it. You rock Sir!

I'm off to buy myself ice cream for dinner.

I would drink too if I was David Hasselhoff.

Gee Whiz, I hope this doesn't hurt David Hasselhoff's chance at being a rap superstar.

Rules of Engagement

I am far too punchy and crazy this morning after much cramming of constitutional law into my thick skull to come up with anything good to write...but fooling around with the blog keeps me from having to read yet another flowchart on the Dormant Commerce Clause. So, check out this post at Notes From the (Legal) Underground which links to a very funny article about how to behave as a summer associate. I don't think it's supposed to be funny, but it still is. Boozing in public = out, boozing at home alone = in. Relating to fellow summer associates = in, "Relating" to fellow summer associates (if you know what I mean...wink wink) = out.

Don't Mess With Texas...Littering Kills

Texas has decided it wants the "Don't Mess With Texas" slogan back...they want to make sure "people to know it's a litter prevention message, it's not a macho message," and they've started sending cease and desist letters to people using it for other types of marketing.

This is gonna be so funny. "Uh, excuse me, entire state of Texas, please remove this bumper sticker from your Ford F-150's, NOW!"

Duh.

My god, when will the natural selection end?

I hope I never die because of my need to mix things together that explode in a metal PEANUT CAN with a metal spoon. I hope it's at least a Diet Coke can. Or one of those big Christmas decorated popcorn tins. Classy!

Shut up...I'm trying to study over here...I'm definitely not looking at cartoons on the internet.

(link here)

Earth Shattering Breaking News...or not.

J-Lo to Marc Anthony: "I do. And this time I mean it. No really."

ConLaw for A Dummy

OK. So, the Commerce Clause is applied whenever there is a activity going on that is a Privilege or Immunity. And privileges and immunities are anything that allows you to haul baitfish across state lines with contoured mudguards on your triple-trailer truck. And the test would be the Pike balancing test because a pike is a kind of fish and watching someone balance it would be funny.

I'm so ready for this final tomorrow. Nothing can stop me! Not even ignorance of the law (which we all know is no excuse). I am a finely tuned exam taking machine with a memory destroying addiction to Diet Coke and a cursory knowledge of the law. YES!

This is a job for Cabana Boy!

After what I've been through today I feel like God is playing with me by letting this happen. Shopping will clearly have to be another of Cabana Boy's enumerated duties. Do you think when they say you have to wear pants to enter the store they mean you can't be wearing only a loincloth? Because that's gonna mess up the whole plan.

H-A-N-G-O-V-E-R

H is for the splitting Headache that will plague me for the next two days
A is for the way I feel -- like Ass
N is for the Night that I can't remember (hey, where'd this bruise come from?)
G is for the Gatorade...that sweet sweet electrolyte filled nectar
O is for the Ongoing suffering that will never ever ever end
V is for the twelve Vodka-sours that I drank (all of which were evil and heinous except for the last one which was purchased by a very cute former Marine)
E is for the Extra-special feeling of complete and abject misery I get whenever I stand up, or move, or breathe, or lay quietly and think about my happy place (sadly, it's a bar...note to self: get new happy place)
R is for feeling wRetched...and rotten.

P is for Pigeon and Party (but not together)

Me and friend walking home from school today:

Friend: "Oh my god, what's that noise?"
Me: "I don't know"
Friend: "I think it's coming from those pigeons over there"
Me: "Oh, it must be the sound of their germs rubbing together"

Then she tells me that when pigeons look all fat and inflated it means they want to have sex.

Friend: "That one doesn't want to f*&k*"
Friend: "That one doesn't want to f*&k either"

I now know definitively that of the 3,452 pigeons between school and my house, none want to f*&k.

I'm off to the birthday party of the friend in the story above. There will be non-law school boys. And booze. So-long ConLaw...hello intoxication and fresh meat.

*I don't know why I can't bring myself to drop the f-bomb on here...it just looks so much more permanent in writing....

Clever headlines and junk

Every morning I check my email and every single morning in my junk email box there is AT LEAST one email from Match.com giving me advice on my (non-existent) love life, or trying to convince me to give them money. This is my own fault because in a moment of weakness I took one of their stupid tests and had to give them my email…I couldn’t help it, I was sucked into the ploy of finding out “What Type of Guy I’m Really Attracted To.” So, this morning, they were there for me again…telling me how I can write an “intriguing profile” which will be the “key to my romantic success.” After all, “browsing through matches is like being in a room full of potential mates,” so I better get my shit together! I only have time to do the first part today…depending on how desperate I am for stuff to write about as I become more and more crazy with exam-fever, maybe I’ll do the rest. But today it’s all about the headline.

1. Make it unique
"Looking For Love" or "Seeking My Match" is too generic and won’t set you apart from the crowd. Remember that your headline is one of the first things other members will see; set aside a few minutes to make it special or try these suggestions.

I need someone to buy me beer and you look like you’ll do.

Looking for whoever is easiest to convince that I’m funny and charming…i.e. how drunk are you?

2. Be clever but clear
Don’t assume strangers will understand your sense of humor. "Clever Headline TBD" doesn’t give anyone a reason to read your profile. "Fat, Ugly And Stupid Seeks Thin, Gorgeous And Brilliant" doesn’t work either (would that make you want to click or move on?).

I love you, and you love me, SAY IT!

Husband wanted: Must be willing to marry me within six months, let my 7 children call you either “Dad” or “Pa” (your choice), and work at least 2 jobs to pay off my 40K in credit card debt. Must own AT LEAST a double-wide trailer (don’t worry, I have tie-downs I got in the divorce from my fourth husband).

3. Be realistic
"Prince Seeks Princess" and "Looking To Live The Fairy Tale Life" suggests that you need to get your feet back on the ground. Try not to set yourself up as an object of pity by using the words "lonely" or "desperate," as in "Lonely Lady Seeks LTR" or "Desperately Seeking Soulmate." Are you looking for someone who is lonely or desperate? Neither is anyone else. And surely there are more enticing ways to describe yourself!

Princess seeks boy with strong back and weak mind.

I am definitely not lonely and desperate, but if I was, would you want to be my knight in shining armor? Because I really need to be rescued…I’m prone to depression you know, and sometimes the med’s just aren’t enough and when I get manic I like to plunge into a relationship with someone and then slowly tear their entire world apart bit by bit. I also like long walks on the beach

I'm off to ConLaw review session...tomorrow if there's time I will be moving into "How to Write the Perfect Profile", otherwise known as "How to Fool People Into Thinking They Will Like You by Saying What They Want to Hear."

Flaming rocks falling from the sky...

Apparently a meteor fell out of the sky last night (as they are "Wont to do on occasion" according to the nice man in the article). My only question is: What the hell kind of computer monitor is as big as a piece of luggage? What is this, 1987? Should I be looking for meteors roughly the size of an Amiga* to just be falling from the sky?

*Hell yes I finished the first four King's Quest games AND The Bard's Tale. I own my nerdhood.

At least I don't need to worry about exams anymore...

The world is officially ending.

According to several press reports, legendary rapper Ice-T is set to produce a hip-hop album with Hasselhoff, whom the musician described as "a legend."

Ice-T told the British newspaper The Sun that he and Hasselhoff are neighbors, and they have struck up a friendship. "He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff," said the rapper, whose real name is Tracey Morrow. "The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humor."

BarBri...Six hours of hellacious video torture, but a small price to pay for not flunking out of law school.

Today I went to a BarBri video review of Property. This is good because I am not so up-to-date on the Property reading, and I don't really understand most of what's going on anyway since our teacher pretty much focused on only 2 things...(1) Sampson Tulee's will, and (2) takings as applied to the Endangered Species Act. If he can find a way to create a fact pattern that involves these two things he will probably spontaneously reach self-actualization and transform directly into a benevolent higher power/energy source. He is a brilliant guy, and he did unintentionally give me the name for this blog, but I'm just not sure I'm prepared to translate everything I know about property through the filter of Sampson Tulee.

So, back to the video. For those of you who have seen the BarBri video for Property...I know you can empathize with me. The woman teaching it SINGS. MC Hammer. Destiny's Child. Dido. And all with a superhardcore Fran Drescher accent. SIX HOURS my friends. All in all though, I'm glad I went...I do love how the videos are nice and linear and just sort of move right down the line in a way that I can focus on, just maybe not for SIX hours for god's sake. They force me to sit in my chair and at least potentially absorb something even if only through osmosis...so let's hope that some easements and covenants and eminent domain made it through my thick skull today.

So anyway...that was today. ConLaw final is Monday, Property is Friday. I turned in my last CrimLaw paper this past Tuesday. Classes are officially over. I still don't feel nearly done, and I'm definitely not feeling the love on outlining and hypo's and review sessions and fretting...the quarter system, with its offering of three sets of finals a year, sucks. I would be burned-out but I don't have time (finding time to blog though...behold the power of procrastination and denial). Tomorrow, it's all ConLaw all day. As my friend at school told me today, Chemerinsky is our new patron saint.

UPDATE: I noticed someone else is on the Chemerinsky bandwagon.

News of the Gross

Thanks to Soup for the following news:

Jen 'keeps marriage fresh by fantasising'

Jennifer Aniston says she keeps her marriage to Brad Pitt fresh by fantasising about swinging.

The Sun says Jennifer, 35, would let her 40-year-old husband bed Michelle Pfeiffer, 47.

But that would only be if she were allowed to bed 56-year-old Steven Tyler from Aerosmith.

Yeah. Brad gets Michelle Pfeiffer and she chooses Steven Tyler. Seriously. I know if I'm ever married to James Spader I'll make sure to spice it up by fantasizing about Keith Richards.

My Soulmate!

I want to say to the person who got here searching for "Diet Coke ad Cabana Boy" that I love you.

What? What was I doing officer? I only had TWO BEERS!

Police found this guy naked and showering in a car wash. Suprisingly, he was drunk.

Newest Reality Show I Hate.

If love means never having to say you're sorry, I guess Ultimate Love means never having to say you're sorry for humiliating your "loved" one on national television while sacrificing your dignity for the sake of "entertaining" the American public and your future career as a model/actress/waitress.

Question and Answer

Q: What has 74 dogs, 30 birds, 3 kids, and 1 iguana?
A: Some crazy freak in New York.

But...he was going to breed the dogs. No really. It's a legitimate business opportunity.

Mr. Crazy Freak is unavailable for comment...presumably because he's very busy...just sitting...and being crazy.

14 DAYS!

I leave for D.C. two weeks from today. It's hard to believe that in the next two weeks I have to get through exams, one (presumably) VERY heavy post-exam drinking binge, dealing with my dad on the heels of said drinking binge, and moving myself and chosen junk cross-country. I welcome emails or comments regarding stuff to do in D.C....especially stuff having to do with good laid back places to get a beer, or fun things that will take up the time I now spend watching TV and generally avoiding my life. I feel like that kid in the Disney World commercial who can't sleep because he's too excited. Exams blow, especially when your mind is already living in a new, exciting because it's not here, place. It's like when you break up with someone in your head like a week before you do it in person, so then when it happens you're already over it. I broke up with 1L in my head sometime around Spring Break...I'm over it.

Coming Soon...

CSI: Cracker Barrel

Note to self:

The name of the case is Poletown v City of Detroit...so it's perfectly natural for the teacher to call it the "Poletown case" over and over. Poletown is not funny. Quit laughing.

Troy...the review

I’ve been trying to find time the last few days to do a review of the movie Troy, and since my current pastime is putting off outlining I thought, hey, no time like the present.

Cast:

The movie stars Brad Pitt as “Brad Pitt/Achilles*.” A couple of times he attempts this kind of lame, vaguely-European-but-not-really, accent. Mostly he sounds like he just walked out of an El Pollo Loco in Southern California after a long weekend of surfing and watching 90210 reruns. He’s like Keanu Reeves meets Richard Gere, only more monotonous and less character driven. That being said, there are two almost all the way nude shots and lots of lingering scenes featuring Brad’s abs, arms, shoulders, legs, hair, eyes, muscles…a buffet of hotness if you will…unfortunately he talks a lot which ruins a huge portion of the shots. His talent is standing around looking pretty, not acting...I think someone forgot to tell him.

The rest of the cast is mainly a bunch of people I have no opinion about because they are either (a) not hot like Brad Pitt, or (b) not famous enough to not be hot. Eric Bana is probably the best of the lot as Hector, the elder Prince of Troy. Orlando Bloom, surprisingly un-hot as a curly-headed brunette, puts on an entirely uninspiring performance as the younger Prince of Troy, and the lover of Helen…pretty much the one that gets everyone into the whole mess. There is NO chemistry between Orlando Bloom and the girl who plays Helen. Even when they showed Orlando almost naked in a love scene it was creepy because (a) my parents were sitting there, and (b) it looked like he was making out with his much more genetically blessed sister. The girl that played Helen of Troy had a strange accent that I couldn’t ascertain the fakeness of…she was beautiful though…so, whatever, a thousand ships…OK.

Plot:

The plot is basically comprised of the director shoving the following message down our throats: ACHILLES IS THE SERVANT OF NO KING. Got it. Now, unless we’re gonna see some naked Brad, let’s move on to some other point…Brad’s not a good enough actor to carry that line once, let alone forty times. The rest of the movie was pretty much taken up by gory battles followed by all-night bonfires to cremate the dead soldiers. What a great escape from law school. Seriously.

Overall:

It’s kind of entertaining…if my parents hadn’t paid for it, and if I wasn’t promised a HUGE Diet Coke, I would probably wait until it came out on video.

*Not to be confused with Brad Pitt/Joe Black, Brad Pitt/Tristan Ludlow, or Brad Pitt/Rory Devaney.

2,000!!

Well faithful readers, it's been 47 days and the 2,000th visitor just came by. Thanks...I'm happily shocked!

Mushy Stuff

Oh my god, I hope this works out...I am such a sucker for this stuff. But seriously, if anyone ever said anything half this nice to me I would marry them in a second. And this time I would mean it because someone who could say all this is not someone who would cheat on you with some dumb slut he met at Best Buy.

Weirdo of the Day.

Thesauromania - collecting objects or clothing belonging to females to derive sexual pleasure.

At least they caught the guy...who was walking out of an apartment building with a laundry basket under his arm...no doubt stuffed with stolen panties. Geez.

Natural Selection Strikes Again

Hey honey, get me the gasoline...this here grill won't light. I'll show it who's boss...WHOOSH!!!

Adult Toys...only, not.

Lego has been rated the favorite toy of adults in London. Second most popular: action man...essentially a male Barbie.

Really. These are the favorite toys of adults in London. I think perhaps the results would be different if this survey were given here. All I can say is...time for some write-in votes.

UPDATE: In the spirit of the previous post, here is a list of the 100 worst porn titles EVER. Thanks to Soup for the link. E-3 The Extra Testicle and Crack Whores of America...hooray for the classics. (Maybe NSFW depending on where you work...anatomically correct cartoons are present (and obviously dirty words) as has been pointed out to me by one of my astute readers...)

Sweet Home Alabama

"A woman identifying herself as Karen Bowker told The Times that Bowker, her husband, was drinking, waving a pistol and beginning to get violent in their mobile home."

Then he headed on out for a showdown with the police...lesson learned: don't bring a sword to a gunfight.