Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Interning 101

Over the course of the summer I thought I would give out some tips for people who think they might like to come to D.C. to be an intern. I would remind you that I have been an intern for TWO WHOLE DAYS and as such, should be considered an expert and treated accordingly. Thank you.

1. Make sure to arrive last (it helps to go to a school on quarters)...that way everyone will be extra-awed by you and will pretend not to notice that you've even arrived or give you a desk or a computer or anything...they're just jealous of your tardiness.

2. If you possibly can, come to a city with a Metro. That way you won't miss the experience of being crammed into a coffin on rails with burnt umber deathseats and a whole gaggle of pissed off people who just want to get home and have a beer and a cigarette. If one of them rolls over your toe with their extra-super-huge briefcase on wheels and then looks at you like you are the asshole, just smile and realize that he is probably jealous of your beautiful sneakers (which you have to wear because standing up on the Metro for forty-five minutes each way in high-heels has already permanently deformed your feet) and he just doesn't know how to express his envy and covetousness in a socially acceptable manner.

3. Make sure to show up on your first day of work bright-eyed and bushy-tailed...and ready to watch a fifteen-thousand-hour CD about the MOST boring aspect of your job. Don't forget that there will be a quiz. It will be really hard because it will be comprised of all the post-section review questions...but the ANSWERS will be in a DIFFERENT ORDER. Don't worry though...you can take it as many times as you need to in order to pass. They encourage excellence through repetitiveness...kind of like dog-training...only no treats.

4. If you are addicted to a substance...say...Diet Coke...make sure to choose a city that only sells Diet Pepsi. Also, it helps to work with a bunch of other interns who are all fitness freaks and health-food junkies...those scathing looks they give you when you wax poetic about the beauty of aspartame?? JEALOUSY!!!

I will have more later...I think that I am going to try to write something about the intern "types" that I see both at work and on the metro and in other offices in my building.

Aside from that, I have decided that this weekend I will be going to The Smithsonian...and perhaps out for a beer if I can find someone to go with...the other interns don't seem to be too down with togetherness...so...gonna have to find a way around that. I didn't come to D.C. to spend the whole summer in my damn apartment, blogging and compulsively checking my email. No siree.
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