Dear Financial Aid Office,
I wanted to thank you for your recent advice to take out a private loan to cover my summer expenses while working in D.C. at my internship which is for school credit this summer. I did exactly that, and was thrilled when my loan was approved and you nice folks emailed me to tell me I would be getting my money last week.
Of course, my joy quickly turned to sadness when I had not received the money by Friday, and I accidentally bounced a check. Oops! But, I guess that happens in student life sometimes, so I didn't say anything and continued to look for that direct deposit...AS PROMISED BY YOUR OFFICE LAST TUESDAY.
So, you can imagine my disappointment when I learned that your office had completely fucked me over, and decided to disburse the private loan I got FOR SUMMER QUARTER over the course of the next four quarters. While I guess it does make sense, if you're say...a chimp, the fact that I have $6000 of unmet need this quarter and NONE FOR THE NEXT THREE EFFING QUARTERS should have potentially been a clue. I'm just saying. So, I'm sitting in my lovely apartment in Washington D.C., thinking about how nice it is (I mean, I have A/C and fast internet and...you know...A SHOWER...HELLO!!) and how bad it's gonna suck ass to live in a cardboard box on the street...and how I wouldn't have had 5 drinks last night, or a nice dinner, or dinner at all, if I had known...and I'm wondering how it feels to be the most satanic, summer-ruining, moronic, ass-monkeys on the entire planet?
Tell your leader (Mr. SATAN) that I am going to think of him while I'm changing my porch light to red and trying to find a stray dog I can use in my bid to spare change everyone on this block until I can buy my effing Diet Coke every day...I HAVE NEEDS YOU KNOW!!!!!
It's good for you that I am very far away. It's also good for you that the Museum of Natural History is free. Nobody stands between me and minerals and gems and other natural shit. NOBODY! So, thanks again for the memories...it's too bad I'll probably need shock-treatment after the level of hysteria that I've maintained for most of the afternoon. Perhaps we can add it to my student-budget! Wouldn't that be fun? You suck.
Yours in eternal hatred and bitterness,
Energy Spatula
