I still have the rental car from this weekend so the Roomie and I headed out to the grocery store for a rare bit of "Buy Whatever You Want Because You Have a Vehicle To Get It Home" mania. After stocking up on beer, Ben & Jerry's, and a pair of jeans I found on sale, I was ready to check out. Since I think I'm pretty smart, I decided to try out the automatic check-your-own-damn-self-out machine...BIG MISTAKE.
Machine: "Please press the 'Start Now' button to begin"
Me: "Oooohhh...I get to push pretty buttons"
Machine: "Please scan your item, rub it on the special yellow 'you-didn't-steal-this' pad, and place into your bag"
Me: "Uh...ok...scan, rub, place...gotcha"
Machine: "Please REMOVE your item and scan it BEFORE you place it in the bag"
Me: "I scanned it! I promise!"
Machine: "PLEASE REMOVE THE ITEM AND SCAN IT BEFORE PLACING IT IN YOUR BAG!!!"
Me: "I swear, it's already scanned...see...it's right there on your screen."
Machine: "LISTEN LADY, DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE POLICE"
Me: "Please Mr. Machine, just take it off the bill...I don't even want it anymore...all I care about is the beer and the ice cream"
Machine: "I don't care what you want you shoplifting hussy...you will never leave this store alive...NOW SCAN THE DAMN ITEM AND QUIT TRYING TO STEAL OUR MERCHANDISE!"
Me: "Why are you doing this to me...why??? I've been so good...I didn't laugh when I saw that lady fall down at the baseball game! I patiently explained to my mother how to read the back of the Blockbuster tape case so she could see when her tapes are due even though everyone else in America already knows it. I've done everything you ever wanted...I don't even have coupons...PLEASE...let me have the ice cream and the beer...for the LOVE OF GOD!"
Machine: "I am now calling over a manager who is going to cut out your lying tongue and then roast you on a spit over a fire fueled entirely by receipt tape"
Manager comes over..."Wow...you've really got this machine all messed up...did you try to take an item without scanning it?"
Me (now weeping): "NO!!!!!! It's listed right there on the receipt..."
Machine: "heh heh...sucker"
Manager: "Well, you must have done something...did you scan it twice? Did you? DID YOU?"
Me: "Well, yes! It kept telling me to remove my item and scan it again...I thought it was going to explode or kill me or something"
Manager: "Want to know something interesting?"
Me: "Are you effing kidding me?"
Manager: "When the machine talks in Spanish it's a man's voice...isn't that fascinating...HAVE A NICE DAY!"
Me: "OHMYGOD WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED????"
Then my head exploded.