Must resemble either James Spader or The Rock (but not both because that would be weird). Should be able to defoil Caramel Hershey’s Kisses at roughly the speed of light while simultaneously dropping them into my mouth as I type/outline/brief/stare like a zombie into space/etc. Must demonstrate the ability to put a Diet Coke in the freezer for the exact amount of time it takes to get it perfectly cold, but not so long that it gets frozen, which, as you should already know, can make it watery and icky. Foot massages are a must, but only the quiet kind where you don’t try to chit-chat with me while you’re touching my feet because that creeps me out. Must be willing to admit, out loud (and often), that I am the boss of you.
I am a law student with crazy eyes, and a hunchback from carrying around 50 pounds of books because I’m too cool to use a rolling bag but not too cool for scoliosis. I don’t get out of the library much, but when I am spotted “in the wild,” I am usually curled up in the fetal position crying softly and repeating the First Amendment over and over while squinting from the bright, bright sunlight that hurts my mole-like, underground library habitat afflicted eyes. I will be accepting applications until the position is filled or until I have a nervous breakdown, whichever comes first. In the event of an interview the attire will be “Cabana Boy Casual.”