The Larry and E. Spat weekend 'o' booze

In case anyone is wondering, yes, Larry will be getting here tomorrow for the long weekend, and yes, we plan on painting the town pink. Pink with sparkles. Like my toenails.

In other news, I have thought of many, many, many things to post about and now that I'm so busy at work I haven't had much time to actually do anything about it. I went to lunch today with a guy that graduated from the TVPNU last year and is now working in a job, in an agency, in D.C. (was that specific enough for everyone?). He gave me some good tips on places to apply to, but I have to admit it saddens me that (a) OCI deadlines are in JULY, and (b) there is no guarantee I'll be able to work out a job at my current place. I don't want to do OCI, I want to stay right where I am, doing interesting work that is challenging and...uh...interesting. Oh well, guess it has to be done. I am strongly considering applying for jobs in Alaska. Guacamole Kid swears I would love it there, and let's face it, it's a target rich environment as far as men go. So, that would probably be fun. Besides, I would finally be able to fulfill my lifelong dream of attending the Talkeetna Bachelor Auction.

I'm not really sure about posting this weekend, maybe with Larry here we can come up with some kind of system where we both give updates...or perhaps we'll be alternately drunk and hungover to a degree that will preclude blogging, with stories coming at a later date (those stories that are blog friendly that is...you have to be on the special behind the scenes email list to get the good ones...it pays to get to know your friendly local blogger).

YAY...um...I mean I'm very sorry. And also brought to you by the letter 2.

So, remember the Hearsay Exceptions movie that my friend made? The one I could only link to here because I can't host videos on Blogger and so AmbImb hosted it for me at Blawgcoop? Well, it got mentioned on MSNBC's Blog and got so much traffic that Blawgcoop got "throttled", which I think is a strange way of saying "shut down." Anyway, I feel kinda bad about Blawgcoop having hard times on my account, but YAY for my friend's video because it's awesome and he totally deserves all the attention...not that he's actually getting the attention since his name isn't on it. I'm sure inside he knows what a badass he is, and no one can take that away!

UPDATE: I AM STUPID. In a nod to the fact that I don't understand anything technical, upon re-reading AmbImb's post, I have discovered "throttling" is actually something one does to oneself (heh) to apparently keep traffic down? Or maybe I still don't understand. (?) Anyway, I still feel kinda bad, but not really. Write down a letter. ANY LETTER.

Bits and pieces.

Today I finished a memo, and had someone look over it (an actual ATTORNEY...ooooOOOOooo!) and it only needs minor corrections -- GO ME! *Pats self on back* Now, I just have to start on the four hundred other assignments on my desk and everything will be hunky dory. At least I have my fruitcake.

In other news, I am off to the store (and TARGET -- YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!) where I will be buying fun things like frozen TV dinners and Crystal Light (PS: Crystal Light On-The-Go packets are the Best. Thing. Ever. You put them into a bottle of water, shake, and VOILA -- YUMMINESS!). Clearly my life is so fab, probably most of you couldn't handle it. I am very excited that the apartment shuttle bus is going to Potomac Yard today so that I can walk around Target for an hour like a big freak, touching all the glittery shiny things.

In other OTHER news, I have not consolidated my student loans yet. I suck. I'm gonna call Direct Loans when I get home and get that party started.

Still no PR grade. My PR grade has become a full-on OCD quest for me, I check for it approximately 762 times a day. I'm sick.

We lost our Martian rocket ship

In a story that is far too bizarre for me to make up, I received a FRUITCAKE in the mail today.

Now, my grandpa (Mom's stepdad) is from Corsicana, Texas, and every year he sends everyone in the family a fruitcake from the "World Famous Collin Street Bakery." I won't get into the merits of fruitcakes as Christmas gifts, he's a nice man and I'm thankful he thinks enough of me to send me a fruitcake and a handmade book of Bible verses every single year. Hope springs eternal I guess.

Anyway, today, I went downstairs to check my mail and the lady behind the counter goes "You have a package, it's been in there for a couple days." So, puzzled, I go to the package room...after all, I'm not expecting anything and I hadn't ordered anything...I had no idea what it could be.

The girl behind the counter hands me a box from Corsicana, Texas containing one World Famous Collin Street Bakery Fruitcake.

I seriously thought maybe my grandpa had decided to send me something in the mail and just happened to have a box and tin lying around from Christmas, and so decided to reuse them. And then I opened it. And, indeed, inside is one fruitcake...perfectly preserved since last Christmas.

The UPS labels are a mystery -- they indicate that it was sent in late December of last year, and traveled around for a couple months before ending up here on 2-2-o5. I didn't change my address last summer to this place, I changed it to my parent's address...and certainly I never gave this address to my grandpa. Further, in February I hadn't yet decided to live here (again). So, however it got here, why did the front desk hold it? Also, where has it been since then? I checked for packages just last week and it wasn't here. Where was it between December and February? My grandpa had my address in TVPNM, I got a Christmas card (with requisite Bible verses) from him, just like every year (thought I'd just been spared the fruitcake).

This is just like that time Milbarge [sic] disappeared...it's a mystery! Maybe one of the Friday Spies questions can be "Where has E. Spat's fruitcake been for the past several months?"

Anyway, here's a pictorial (sp?) chronicle of my fruitcake experience today. Before anyone makes fun, yes I did mark out all identifying information. Last time I did that I was accused of being a weirdo, but I don't care...I'm a weirdo who will live to see tomorrow. Also, please notice the Lonestar Christmas tin the fruitcake is lovingly ensconced in...I think cowboys on horses with lassos really represent the joy and holiness of the birth of our lord, don't you?

How come no one but me ever has that dream?

Today was L.OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.N.G. Now that I have a computer they actually expect me to "produce work" and "earn my keep." Blech.

I was fundamentally unable to get my lazy ass out of bed this morning, and as such, I am forced to go to the gym right now, at the peak of crazy after-work-ness. Needless to say I am THRILLED!

Still no sign of my PR grade -- not sure whether to be happy or sad about that one, probably once I get it I'll wonder why I wanted it.

At least at the gym I can watch TV. Now I feel kind of excited about the whole thing. Yay!

Blech.

I feel the opposite of good. It seems like every summer I have to catch at least one minor bug, and apparently today is the day. Oh well, at least it will be gone before the long weekend.

PS: You know what's awesome? The other interns talking right in front of you about something they're planning to do and not inviting you and then laughing about all the great emails they send back and forth all day when you still don't have access to the computer sitting right on your desk and also still don't have an email account (I did have temporary access to a computer today, but only could get into my gmail accounts). Yeah, it was rad.

He loves it when I call him Chris.

Dear Christian Bale,

Today I saw your new movie, Batman Begins. It was good. You are such a good actor. You are really hot. I love you. You are very beautiful. You have nice bulge-y muscles. I want to touch your muscles. Will you marry me?

Yours Forever,

E. Spat

P.S. Katie Holmes is such a skank. You can do better.

P.P.S. I know you are already married. I'm sure your wife is very hot. I am a good cook. I will let you do anything. To me, and in general. Anything. Think about it.

Good times

I went to a place tonight called Dr. Dremo. There was sand on the floor. And a lotta beer pong. And pitchers. Lots a pitchers. It was pretty fun...went with the roomie and her friends, they're a lot of fun, but about 5 or 6 years younger than me (shut UP Soupie) and therefore able to withstand more hours of pure alcohol ingestion than me. I called it a night early (well, it's 1am here) and am drinking water and trying to sober up a bit before bed. Still had fun though...wish I was 7 or 8 years younger as the boys there were either right out of college or sadly middle aged and still hanging out at a place at which the main attraction was beer pong.

Friday Spies © (The Day Late and Dollar Short Edition)

1. What's your favorite season?

I really like fall, especially late fall. It's very romantic with the leaves turning and people starting to have fires and you can walk around in sweaters and everyone has pink cheeks from the cold. I dig it. I also like winter right around Christmas-time...I love the lights and being with my family.

2. Do you have a green thumb?

No. More like the Black Thumb Of Death.

3. What is your favorite sport to watch? What is your favorite sport to play? Do you have a sports hero?

Favorite sport to watch is probably baseball followed closely by hockey. We watched a lot of baseball growing up because my dad played minor league ball and was always really into it. I got into hockey a few years ago when my ex had season tickets to the Tampa Bay Lightning and we started going quite a bit. Now, a law school friend is on a hockey team with a bunch of guys and I sometimes go and watch their games and try to hit on the one or two who are acutally single, usually to no avail. I don't have a sports hero I don't think. My mom used to cut my hair into the "Dorothy Hamill" so probably not her, because it was really ugly.

4. Which would you rather be: Mayor, Governor, Senator, or President?

I don't want to be any of these things. I hate politicians and think that they are (for the most part) pontificating ineffectual blowhards. When the only person that can become an elected official that supposedly represents me in our system of government is rich or has been captured by special interests because he/she needs even MORE money, well, that makes me hate them to be honest. I would rather be a person that owns a big piece of land where abused animals can come and stay and live happy lives and never be put down. Yeah. If I had to choose I guess I would choose Governor. If Ah-nuld can do it, so can I.

5. What are ten must-own items for single men and single women?

Later. I gotta catch the shuttle bus to the shopping center that has Old Navy to buy some new capri pants.

Ho. Lee. Shit.

Two of my three grades came out today...(my fourth "class", the appellate competition, was credit/no credit). I did just fine and I'm very happy about it. Especially Admin which I really liked and worked hard in and for once I feel like my grade reflects how hard I worked. The other grade was Law and Terrorism, and I guess I expected to do well in there somehow given my background and whatnot. Now, even if I fail PR, it was all worth it. Wow...two quarters in a row above the curve...better be careful, pigs could be flying any minute! Strangely, this quarter was THE LEAST I have ever studied...so that's very interesting. I think I paid attention more in class but studied and prepared for exams less and wasn't really stressed out...there's got to be a correlation somewhere there, right?

In other news, I went to the ball game tonight and had quite a lot of beer (well, not too much because work people were there...but I would say I'm slightly buzzed). The other interns were all there and I feel really lucky that they seem like such nice people and I get along with them so well. I sat next to my boss and told him how much I love my job and would love to work for the agency next year and blah blah blah...so, at least the bug is in his ear.

Two quarters above the curve. Damn. Damn.

Like baseball and apple pie and Chevrolet

I have work today (still no computer), then I'm going to a National's game...so probably no posting today. Guess Friday Spies will have to be on Saturday again. In the meantime, I was thinking this morning about a trip my parents and I took before law school starting from their house in Oregon to where my grandpa lives in Idaho. I had the atlas in the backseat with me and I was sort of figuring out where we were going, just because I was bored. And then, I saw the funniest thing ever.

Whisky Dick Mountain.

I started laughing and my mom asked why and I said "OHMYGOD, we're gonna drive right by Whisky Dick Mountain!" My mom goes "Why is that funny? What does that mean?" I sort of made a lame attempt to explain and then just mumbled "Nevermind" and put my headphones back on. But I still chuckle about it every once in a while and wish I had been able to stop and get a t-shirt or something.

I have no idea why I just told that story except it just popped into my head. I'm sick like that.

See ya after baseball.

Bosu!

I went to Bosu class tonight at the gym with one of my fellow interns. It was like step class only conducted on a round squishy thing like a big bag full of jello except you have to balance on it and jump around on it and whatnot. When I wasn't busy breaking my ankles and knees and messing up the choreography I was getting "encouraged" by the instructor.

"THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S OK TO STOP FOR A MINUTE AND CATCH UP! JUST KEEP TRYING! YOU'LL GET IT! DON'T WORRY YOU'RE DOING GREAT! TAKE A BREAK IF YOU NEED ONE! HAVE SOME WATER! SIT DOWN IF YOU NEED TO! LEAVE THE ROOM AND CALL AN AMBULANCE IF YOU CAN'T START YOUR HEART AGAIN SOON! OOOOH THAT'S GOTTA HURT! I DIDN'T KNOW ANKLES BENT THAT WAY!"

I don't think I'm going back. I'll stick to the elliptical and the treadmill and the occassional spinning class...at least I won't break a leg trying to jump up and down on a gelatinous convex disk'o'death.

Warning. 6% downhill grade next 3 miles.

I am suddenly, inexplicably, very melancholy. I have no idea why.

I think partially from the fact that I have already told my "twice divorced used to be in the Air Force" stories to everyone at work and it's just depressing that sometimes I wonder if I'm anything BUT those things...it's a persona, like this blog, and I think it's funny and everyone gets a kick out of it, but why would it be so difficult to be a little truer to who I really am?

Which, of course, begs the question...who am I? This past year has been really weird because I think about this question ALL THE TIME! I never put much thought into it before, but I feel much more sensitive now to what I feel people's perceptions of me are and whether or not what I am putting out personality-wise is an accurate reflection of who I feel that I am. When people say "oh, you're just straightforward" or "don't worry, we love you the way you are"...well, it kind of hurts my feelings. Why do I have to be loved DESPITE the "way I am"?

I feel lately this sort of overhwhelming sense of wondering what is real in my life. Are my friends real or do they just hang around for some unknown reason? When they do something and don't call me I tend to think that it's because they made a concious decision not to include me...and I can't tell if that's paranoia or just a healthy sense of reality. And even if it is real, it's certainly their choice, but I wish I could be someone that people actually call just to hang out or whatever instead of someone people call the next day to tell how fun it was when they all hung out the night before. Maybe none of that is real and I just perceive that people are having a much better time than me when in fact they all feel just as isolated...I'm not sure really.

Is this life I'm choosing for myself what I really want? I'm not sure exactly, but I have felt very lonely since starting law school, even with the friends I've made, but I can't figure out if that's a product of the law school experience, dissatisfaction with the path I'm choosing, or perhaps a lack of something I've always had...companionship in the form of a relationship. As I've said before, my parents have a very close and sort of insular relationship and that's something I still imagine myself having someday, but hopefully not because I'm needy or trying to fill a hole in my life that is the result of some other problem or decision. Right now I love the place I'm working and I know if I worked there I could be happy with my job...but already I'm worrying about the fact that it's a government agency and they more that likely will not make offers to interns, so I'll be out pounding the pavement come September...what then? Scary!

Anyway, all of this stuff (navelgazing...sorry!) is I guess a way of saying that I'm trying to figure out who I am. And right now I feel like I'm someone whose best parts are all in the past and who feels the need to constantly prove that I'm fun and likable by being self-deprecating and funny at my own expense and then harping on my glory days in the Air Force to prove that I am an intellectually sound human being who has done interesting and important work even though I didn't always make the best choices (the bad choices being the fodder for the fun and entertaining anecdotes). I know that sounds incredibly circular, and I think it probably is, but for some reason it's a cycle that I have a really hard time stopping.

I feel like sometimes the people in my life use me as comic relief, which is fine because I like to entertain people and tell funny stories, but not at the expense of people feeling they can come to me to solve a problem or answer a serious question. I don't want to be a joke or just "that girl with all the ex-husbands who used to be in the Air Force." The military is really important to me, and I feel like it's a part of who I am, and I can't fix the divorce thing (and hey, I can't help it if I'm naturally funny) but I'm more than those two things and it's partially/mostly my fault for not finding a way to show that to other people.

I'm going to work on that.

Happy-ish Hour

We had a little happy hour after work today...it was good but I wish more of the attorneys had shown up, but I guess everyone is probably pretty busy and stuff, plus they have "families" and "obligations." The ones who did come were interesting though and everyone really seems to love their jobs, so that's cool.

Still no computer.

Still no grades.

Still no hot men to report on, although I saw some very interesting and cute men at a little thing the agency had this morning, so that was nice. Sadly I was blinded by the glare off all the wedding rings. Damnit.

Now I'm hungry but have no way to cook dinner and all the cheap places around here are closed and even if they weren't I don't want to eat by myself again, for the eleventeenth night in a row. I think I'll just have a Slimfast and go to bed early.

I wish I had TV.

Obviously

It's pretty hot here...maybe I'll buy a hat and start wearing a frozen cabbage leaf on my head. Because that makes perfect sense.

Dear M.

Dear M.,

I was telling someone tonight about how awesome you are and how the most important part of my second marriage "where should we get married" decision was making sure you could be there and once again I feel compelled to say I LOVE YOU and THANKS FOR BEING THE BESTEST BEST FRIEND FOREVER EVER! God, even though lately we haven't gotten to talk as much, I just can't imagine my life without you as my best friend...every single day I think about you a million times! Sometimes someone says something totally stupid (often it's me) and the very first thing I think is "HOLY SHIT, I can't wait to call M. and tell her about this!"

Anyway, I hope once you're settled in your new place we'll get back on our usual practically every day talking schedule, but until then, you know that I couldn't survive without you in my life and I'm always keeping a mental list of things I'm gonna tell you when we talk and the closest I ever get to praying for anything is when you're on a mission that you'll come back safe. I HEART YOU!

ES

WTF

Where are grades? I'm willing to admit that it's only been two weeks since two of my exams, so I'll give them another week or so before I get totally rowdy. BUT, my Law and Terrorism exam was OVER ONE MONTH AGO! What. The. Hell. ? There were probably only about 20 people in that class...how long can it possibly take? One exam per day and I should have had a grade a week ago! (I reserve the right to pretend like I never said any of this when I DO get the grade back in the event it is really terrible and depressing.)

In a VAN. Down by the RIVER.

I just got done having dinner at the food court at Union Station. By myself. I had to go to the gym after work today because I left my MP3 at work last night and couldn't bring myself to go this morning without tunes. After that I sauntered on down to the train station to eat one of the crappiest fast food meals I've ever had. I don't have any cooking utensils or any of that stuff here, so I'm sort of relegated to sandwiches and things I buy, but maybe I'll have to suck it up and get some microwave meals to zap in the communal microwave or something. Shit.

I still don't have a computer at work. The other interns got theirs today so I am hoping mine will come tomorrow. I still love the job and think the people are awesome. Tomorrow they are doing a little happy hour for us so that should be fun...and it will keep me from another night alone in the train station for the love of God.

Other than all of that, the weather here has been awesome...I wish I knew someone right around here that liked to walk as much as I do because I would love to go for walks at night like I did last summer with my friend that lived in the building, but, for obvious reasons, I don't think it's too smart to tool around downtown by myself at night. I've been trying to go out and walk after work and just wander around for an hour or two...it's sort of relaxing and I always find new things to do and see.

Everybody cross your fingers that I get a computer at work soon or I might go crazy...I never realized how truly addicted I am!

What about shot glasses?

Thanks to Milbarge, I was subjected to this "Ten Things Every Single Girl Must Own" list first thing this morning.

Now, I'm used to the MSN dating and love people giving us the most ridiculous advice ever, so I guess this shouldn't come as such a surprise...but what can I say, I'm always shocked by total ignorance and moron-i-cacy.

So, here's the MSN 10 Things:

1. A fabulous photo of yourself
2. A pretty pair of heels
3. An Eminem CD
4. A great pickup line…and a way to blow 'em off
5. A six-pack of good bottled beer
6. Bathroom reading
7. A business card
8. Earplugs
9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
10. A condom

This list is stupid. That's the bottom line. To get the true appreciation you have to go read the commentary as well though...for a "six-pack of good bottled beer" they suggest Sam Adams as the ultimate microbrew. Seriously.

They suggest that you use the awesome picture of yourself to send to people you meet online so they'll think you're hot, and hang it on the fridge at eye-level so any guy you bring home will look at it and think you're hot too. Ummm...isn't sending pictures that don't look like you what all these men on match.com are always whining and crying about? God knows most of them aren't really Prince Charming, but you would think with their dire fears of picture switching that every girl is an evil (and ugly) picture switching maniac. Also, any guy I bring home better damn well think I'm hot before he opens up my fridge to take one of my beers, one of my way-the-hell-better than Sam Adams beers. Shit.

Also, bathroom reading means bathroom reading for HIM. So, I am supposed to take time out of my single girl day to make sure that some man who doesn't actually exist in my life yet will have something to read (theoretically) if he ever comes to me house and needs to take a theoretical crap?

Earplugs? In case "he" snores? Who is this HE that is so much a part of my life that I have to buy him bathroom reading material and wear earplugs because he snores, and yet I'm still calling myself single?

Ladies, I think we can do better than this...leave a comment with one (or a few) of the 10 things you think every single girl needs to have.

I'll go first:

1. A copy of Jennifer Weiner's book "Good in Bed"
2. Good beer in the fridge for YOURSELF after a hard day at work dealing with asshole-ish men
3. An emergency pint of Ben and Jerry's to get you through tough times
4. A perfect lipstick that ALWAYS looks good on you no matter what you're wearing
5. At least one hot CD that will put you and any guest you choose to have "in the mood"...I like Otis Redding, but do your own thing, live how you wanna live baby.

OK...there's a start...when I come home from work I wanna see a whole bunch of way better suggestions than bathroom reading and an Eminem CD. Jesus.

Buying stuff.

Every day I spend more money. I do not get paid until the first part of July, and even then, it's a paltry government intern salary, so not like it's going to knock my socks off or anything. In the meantime, there are things I need...like food, and a sewing kit for the hole in the pocket of the pants I just bought, and Diet Coke, and to go see a movie with the other interns today. So, I charge it. And let me tell you, between the tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, and the HUGE amount of credit card debt I'm already in (thanks two ex-husbands...hope those trips to Vegas were fun you asshats)...I have anxiety. There is nothing like realizing that with only two credit cards you can owe WELL over $13K. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Oh well...what can I do? The heel tip thingie on my boot broke this weekend and I'm going to have to get it fixed since they're my only comfortable shoes to wear with pants and I wear them nearly every day. Guess I'll just charge it. Sigh. These times are the only ones where I wish I had the grades/drive/energy/ambition/whatever to want to pursue a BIGLAW job.

Bow chicka bow bow

So, I went to the National Zoo today with my friends and their 2-year old son (we'll call him Bobby)...and let me tell you, we all learned a little bit about "monkey love" over at the outdoor monkey habitat.

First, the two monkeys were frolicking (sp?) about, rolling in the grass and holding hands and just sort of running around having a good time.

AWWWWWWW, so cute. Look Bobby, the monkeys are friends!

Then, the monkeys lay on the ground and start cuddling and hugging each other.

OHHHHHHHHHHH, look Bobby, now they're hugging because they love each other! Isn't that nice how they love each other and want to always give hugs and kisses?

And then...well....

Monkey #1 sits on Monkey #2's face and starts rubbing back and forth on Monkey #2's outstretched tongue.

UHHHHHHHHHHH, hey Bobby, let's go over and see the giraffes! Don't you want to see a giraffe!? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHERE ARE THE DAMN GIRAFFES???

Seriously, these two monkeys were going TO TOWN, and everyone standing there cooing about how cute they were with the hugging and the playing turned red and just immediately walked away, dragging their kids behind them. It was kinda funny and kinda really gross. Monkey love. Heh.

Because I'm too lazy to do this myself....

Does anyone know if there is an Old Navy near any of the Metro stops? I don't want to plug every address of an Old Navy in the greater D.C. area into the direction finder thing on the Metro website because it will take for-freaking-ever. A Target near a Metro would be a good too...

You guys are the best!

Harrowing experience of the day.

I went to Maryland today to help my friends who are moving take care of their son and keep an eye on the movers who were packing and moving their stuff out of their house today. Plus, my friends leave for Japan on Tuesday for three years, so this weekend is the last time I get to hang out with them for awhile. Anyway, my friend drove me to the Metro station near their house for me to catch my train back to D.C. and just as I was coming up the stairs to the train platform I could hear the voice over the speaker basically saying to move away from the platform because the train would be leaving soon.

So, I ran up the stairs, determined to catch my train and not have to wait another half hour or whatever for the next train, and all the people who had just gotten off were coming down both the steps and the escalator (the up-escalator was broken) and not leaving any way for people to get up to the train. By the time I finally broke through all the people, the doors were making the little bell noise that they were about to close, and so I made a jump for it to try to get on the train before the door closed.

And that's when it happened. One minute I was trying to hop through the door, the next minute I was suspended from my backpack which was closed tight in the Metro doors. I've seen people get briefcases and stuff stuck before and the doors have always opened right back up...so I was like "hey, don't worry...the doors will open!" But they didn't open. Nothing happened. So, this GIGANTIC black guy reaches out, pull me out of my backpack, and then pulls my backpack out of the doors (taking a huge hunk of the weather stripping around the door off in the process) and just silently hands it to me. I think I was kind of in shock, just a second before I had been stuck in the door...clotheslined by own dirty backpack!

I thanked him for his brute strength (I actually said that) and he said no problem, and his girlfriend or wife goes "You better be glad he pulled your ass out, you woulda been hanging out that door all the way to Rockville!" Yes ma'am, I am exceedingly glad your husband/boyfriend pulled me out because I had no desire to go on some sort of action movie-esque Metro ride from hell!

In other news, the word on the street is that I met a bunch of bloggers for drinks last night...it's true, and it was fun! Good times were (I think) had by all.

Guess? What?

Sometimes, when I come home drunk at 1:22 am, I like to check my grades online. Why? I don't know. It's only been a week since exams...God knows they're not up there yet!

PS: No grades yet.

PPS: I am drunk.

PPPS: I met Matt Schuh tonight and in person he looks like what would happen if Tom Cruise and Ethan Hawke had a baby. I'm totally serious. I told him I was going to say this too...so he can't act surprised when he reads it later.

PPPPS: Yeah. Still drunk. And also broke. Good times!

PPPPPS: I apologize to anyone I drunk dialed tonight while wandering around trying to find the Metro station. I'm not really a born navigator -- but I just so happen to be a born drunk dialer.

Tired.

Long day. Here's the summary.

Got up early for gym, then proceeded to eat bad things all day.
Job - still good.
Two new projects - both interesting.
Trying to get them to let me extern in the TVPNM office when I get back.
Went to Maryland to see good friends who are moving to Japan next week.
Rode Metro back with lots of sketchy people and three ginormous bags of groceries.
Walked through cracked out part of town to my apartment carrying said heavy ass bags of groceries.
Had argument with front office person to try to get her to go back and get the package that I knew came today with all my stuff in it even though it was after hours since otherwise I wouldn't be able to get it until Monday. Had to drop one f-bomb and a couple of only partially fake tears to get her to do it.
Getting up early for more fun gym time tomorrow morning, then will proceed to eat crap all day long and go to a happy hour.
Bed now. Tired.

A question for the lay-dees (I think anyway)

It is so damn hot here that most of the time I feel like I am standing directly on the core of the sun. With that in mind, and also keeping in consideration the fact that this city is built on a swamp and therefore as soon as one walks out one's door in the morning, one starts to sweat like a proverbial pig...

Can anyone recommend a good foundation that will still look good in heat and humidity and that isn't too heavy or cakey looking? Normally in TVPNM I wear a really light sort of shimmery foundation, but here it just makes me look like I'm even more sweaty, if that's possible. I don't have any brand preferences or anything like that...I just don't like to wear anything that looks too heavy -- especially in my old age as I am starting to have *whisper* fine lines */whisper*.

Suggestions in the comment box...PUH-LEAZE! I'll love you forever...and this time I mean it.

It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

I happen to be a firm believer that it is actually the humidity that is so gawdawful around here, and so imagine my overwhelming happiness and surprise when I stepped out of work today and the humidity had broken and it was just plain old Dry and Hot. I was so excited that I came home and changed and went for a 2 hour walk all around my area of the city, stopping to get library books and dinner.

My library card from last summer is still good, so, unlike most of my friends who are trying to read litturashure this summer, I got four novels by authors I love...including the new Spenser novel by Robert Parker and the new Robin Cook novel. YAY! I'm gonna save the trashy romances for later in the summer.

Work was good today. Still having a hard time because of the no computer situation, but the lawyers are SO FRIENDLY! I got taken to a meeting today (that didn't happen once all last summer), and one of the lawyers who was out of town at a trial came by to introduce himself because he just got out of the Air Force (after 20 years) and is from the TVPNM...he's so nice! Everyone is so damn nice, it's crazy! Tomorrow they are having a breakfast for us (the interns) and next week we're going to a couple of different functions within the agency. It's so exciting to be included and have projects and just generally be thought of as an asset instead of a pain in the ass that everyone has to deal with all summer. I got some cool work to do too...wish I could tell you, but, nope...sorry. Trust me though, it's way interesting and right up my alley.

Let's see...what else? Oh yeah, I went to spinning class this morning before work. HOLY SHIT! The girl that teaches it is in crazy shape and is totally perky and great teacher. Think I'm going to start going to the Mon and Wed morning classes, and I may even have (s)talked one of my fellow interns into going with me...so that would be fun to have a buddy there too. We're also going to try out this other class called "Bosu." That's where you do an entire workout and stuff on this weird round platform that makes you have to balance and stuff. Should be way fun for me since I'm known for my awesome balance and coordination.

Not sure when I'm going to be having time to blog...looks like mostly in the evenings right now since I'm getting up at the crack of dawn to make it to the gym and then to work by 9, but who knows, I might find more free time once I'm on more of a routine schedule. Anyway, so far so good...job is awesome still on the second day, and the interns are still friendly and nice, and the attorneys and whatnot at work are still cool. Yes! Now I have to go get my laundry out of the machine...too bad the drudgery doesn't end, even during the summer!

PS: I am all of the sudden inexplicably nervous about grades. Why didn't the anxiety come during the time I was/could have been/should have been studying? That third set of exams just fries my brain...it's two weeks later and I'm finally starting to go "Oh shit, perhaps I should have actually made even a half-hearted attempt to care about all this." Too little -- too late...story of my legal academic career.

WOO!

I may regret putting this here later, since it will probably come back to haunt me.

But, you know that commercial where the guy gives the woman the three stone anniversary band and she goes "I love this man! I love this man!"

Well, "I LOVE THIS JOB! I LOVE THIS JOB!"

The people are cool. The stuff they're giving me to do is relatively interesting. The interns, so far at least, are super awesome. YAY! Such a different atmosphere than last year...it's like the total opposite of that job, from the work to the attorneys to the interns...it's awesome. The only bad thing is that I won't have a computer until at least Friday -- but, hey, if that's the worst thing that happens all summer everything should be fine.

Overheard at the Metro

"Oh no girl. Uh uh. He gave you FIVE DOLLARS? That is a total insultment. I mean, that is an insultment. I would kick my man's ass if he gave me any less than fifty. An insultment, that's what that is."

Sometimes I wish I had heard the first few sentences of a given conversation, just so I would know what might be an insultment to only get five dollars for. I have some guesses, but, you know...I could be wrong.

Also overheard while waiting for the Metro today:

Guy takes his pants LITERALLY down to his ankles and then reaches both hands into his boxers while exclaiming "GODDAMN it's HOT today...my nuts are sweating all over the place!" He then turns to me and kind of wiggles in my general direction which causes me to give him my "go-away face." Upon seeing my look of extreme go-away-ed-ness, he says to his friend, "Damn, did you see the look that girl just gave me? It's like she a trained killer or some shit like that! Girl, you gonna kill me? My nuts are hot, that's all!"

What a fun adventure for my first day in D.C.

I never thought I'd be this happy to go to work!

So, I get to start tomorrow morning...YAY! And, I've heard from several of the D.C. bloggers and am starting to make some plans here and there, so DOUBLE YAY!

Today I sat inside, away from the heat...hiding if you will. Then, once they finally called and told me not to come to work, I went to the gym, then went to the mall, then ate a hugely caloric sandwich and walked over to my new place of employment just to see where it is and how long it will take me to get there (15 minutes walking extra super slow in the heat).

The gym has an individual TV on each piece of cardio equipment. I guess I know where I'll be watching StripSearch this Thursday night on VH1! Today I watched reruns of America's Next Top Model. Love the individual TV's. LOVE THEM!

All your base are belong to us.

So, I'm sitting here in my room just sort of waiting to find out if I am going to work today. I've been trying to call but apparently the lady I need to speak with is out or something, and her voicemail has a different name on it which freaks me out, so I haven't left a message.

I slept from about 7 last night until almost 8 this morning...between the partying on Friday night and the red-eye flight on Saturday night, I was absolutely exhausted, but today I feel pretty energetic so that will be good if I do have to go to work. At least I won't be tired and cranky. At any rate, I'm just basically cruising the internets, catching up on my blogs, drinking Diet Coke and sort of enjoying the fact that I have nowhere to be. I did go down and join the gym that's next to my building. It was exorbitantly expensive but at least maybe I'll keep up the progress I've been making as far as exercising, or, well, barring that, maybe I'll break even with how much I'll probably drink this summer.

Met my roommate last night, she seems pretty nice so far. She likes to drink and seems fun, so that's cool. I told her about my experience with the psycho roommate last year and she assures me she's not a psycho, so I think all should be well.

Ummmmm...gosh, I guess I don't have too much to report. I've already spent WAY too much money getting out here and settled and work-clothes shopping, so I'm poor and the summer hasn't even started yet. Guess that'll make the government paycheck seem all the better. I upgraded to first class on the plane with one of my coupons I got for complaining about the last time I used this airline and they put a guy who weighed 700 pounds in the seat next to me and I got to enjoy his fabulously sweaty company in my seat with me for 6 hours. It was nice to be brought a plate of fresh melon, and to have enough room to stretch out and get comfortable. Note to self: figure out how to do first class more often.

So, I guess I will go wander around my room and keep obsessively calling this woman, and hopefully this afternoon I'll be able to go to work and meet everyone and then maybe I'll feel like some gym time or a walk or something. It's just so damn hot here! I always forget. It doesn't
"bother" me...I mean, I lived in the South most of my life, but it always takes me by surprise and then I need a few days to get used to it. In the TVPNM it is only getting into the 60's now, and it's mid-June!

D.C. in the summer.

It's hot here. And humid. But, I'm here...and very very very tired. I took the red-eye last night, got in this morning, spent the day with my friend who picked me up at the airport, and now it's 4:30 and I'm barely able to keep my eyes open. I guess three hours of sleep in two days will do that to you. I still haven't heard from my boss whether I will be starting work tomorrow. D'oh.

Back tomorrow.

Friday Spies © (The I'm So Outta Here Edition)

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am leaving my apartment in a couple hours to stay with a friend tonight, drink shitloads of tequila, go shopping all day tomorrow, and then leave for D.C. tomorrow. So, I anticipate this being my last post until perhaps Sunday night or Monday, depending on my jetlag/internet/meeting new roommate situation. Thanks for the questions goes to our favorite odd couple, Fitz and Milby.

1. What is the earliest movie you remember watching in the theater?

The first movie I remember seeing is Legend. I do remember seeing a lot of cartoon movies like Lady and the Tramp and 101 Dalmations, but I can't be sure if those were on TV or at the movies. And I know I saw E.T. at the movies, but I'm not sure I remember it. We lived overseas for my first few years, so I think I got a late start on the movie thing.


2. If you could strike one word from the English language, whichword would you choose and why?

I don't think I would get rid of any words. If people would just refrain from abusing the English (or even American) language, I would be happy with pretty much all words. If I had to get rid of a word, it would be c*nt...I hate that word. I hate it so much I can't even write it on my blog.


3. If you were a superhero, what would be your kryptonite?

Tomatoes. I hate tomatoes so MUCH!!!

4. Would you rather win an Emmy, Grammy, Tony, Golden Globe, Oscar, Pulitzer, or Nobel Prize? What work would you win it for?

Pulitzer, duh! One day my romance novels are going to be honored for being the first romance novels ever to have both a plot and female main characters who aren't victims, virgins, or bitter women who only find their inner beauty through the power of the love of a good man. My heroines are going to totally kick ass and save men from their own dumb selves.

5. What is your catch phrase? Don't have one? Then make one up!

I saw "So, you see how..." all the time. I picked it up from a friend, and it drove my ex-husband crazy...as in "So, you see how I don't care about your excuse for why you're five hours late?" I also say "Rock" quite a bit, and, in addition to my love of the f-bomb, I say "Holy SHIT" probably twenty times a day. I realize that none of these are particularly original...but I can't think of anything. Maybe one of my friends will comment and think of something that could be my catch phrase. I'm still considering "What Would Karl Llewelyn Do?"

A full accounting of my activites. Because if I tell you then you can pretend to care.

I bet all of you are sitting around right now scratching your heads and thinking "I wonder what that crazy E. Spat has been up to all day?"

And, I won't deny it, my life is pretty interesting and exciting.

First, I nursed my hangover with the hugest, cheesiest bagel ever.

Then, I had a 44 oz Super Big Gulp of Diet Coke.

Next, I cleaned house and packed. That was pretty fantastically interesting.

Then, a walk. Which was like some kind of forced death march. Why? Why all the rum?

Finally, the best part of my day. This:



I watched THREE hours of this VH1 show, Stripsearch. An Australian guy and a hot female VH1 host driving around in a big bus, auditioning male dancers, and then moving all the selected guys into a big house in LA to train to be part of a Las Vegas male revue. A classy one. Seriously. Quit laughing. The best part is that the guys are just as bad as a house full of chicks. There are catfights and petty disagreements and a lot of time spent grooming and working product into their collective hair. It was the best part of my whole day. I don't know how I'll survive all summer without seeing how it turns out...I *have* to find a way to get TV in D.C.

The whole rest of my night was spent running around doing errands and getting my unofficial sublettor all settled in. Hopefully the apartment people will be cool and not put up a fuss about this. I know that they know he's here and I'm hoping that since I've been making it seem like he'll just be checking in on things and taking care of my place they'll look the other way and not be dicks.

I have an appointment tomorrow for a haircut, color, and highlights. YAY! Then, it's off to Tequila and Karaoke-ville. WOO!

Monkey Tennis. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

OK, now that my blood is becoming more "blood" and less "Myers Dark Rum" I feel like I can tell you a little bit about last night.

Went out with a friend from school who just graduated and is having a week of fun and good times before our school's bar review starts (we only get 6 weeks -- THANKS AGAIN quarter system!).

Anyhow, we went to the Australian bar I love so much (and I always think of THL there because they sell all manner of Australian candy and goodies and have pictures and flags and stuff all over the place, and REAL LIVE Australians!).

The place was packed because apparently Wednesday night is Quiz Night, which consists of a drunken English man asking questions and a bunch of other drunken people answering them for the chance at a free pitcher of beer. Here's an example: "How many legs does a crab have? And before you even ask, I don't know if those claw things count. And no fair looking in your pants lads!" Good times. Also, I feel like I should mention that this place was the world's hugest sausage-fest...the men, OH GOD, the men!

So, we met three guys. The Totally Hot Guy, The Totally Drunk Guy, and The Totally Shady Because He Probably Has a Girlfriend Guy. I won't say much about them here because I drunkenly gave them the blog address and they might check. The hot guy was really hot. The drunk guy was REALLY drunk. In fact, he spent most of the night sitting on a chair alternating between drinking, passing out, and talking to himself. He kept asking me to get him some whiskey, as if I had that right in my purse (well, none that I was gonna give him), and talking about "monkey tennis" which I can only guess is a euphamism for something else. He was kind of funny and kind of irritating, and I was probably meaner to him than I should have been, but GOD! The Shady Guy was cute, and seemed OK, but (and I totally stand by this if he ever reads this)...kinda shady.

Anyway, I drank a LOT of rum and coke, my friend drank A LOT of rum and coke, good times were had by all.

UPDATE: I almost forgot (well, technically I DID forget), we ran into a group of 1L's from my peer mentoring group who got to see me get wasted, hit on men, and talk quite a bit about "getting laid" and "drinking my ass off" and other mentoring stuff like that. Let's just hope they drink so much this summer that they forget by next year. Sigh.

In other news, I am STILL trying to get my shit together and get all my laundry done and the house cleaned up, etc. I'm going to the Karaoke and Tequila party tomorrow night and then staying with a good friend overnight so we can go shopping Saturday and she can take me to the airport that night. I'm ready to go!

Damn you GOOGLE!

Is anyone (besides me) unable to get Gmail to load this morning? Mine has not been loading since last night when I got home (does 3am count as last night?)...no drunken emails were able to be sent (so sad!). I have the little Gmail notifier so I can see I have new mail, but when I try to get to the program it says "Loading" for like one second and then the screen is totally blank and the little bar at the bottom of the window says "Done"...which is a huge LIE by the way! It's so not done!

Anyway, is it just me?

UPDATE: Got it working. I have to go do about 10 million loads of laundry, plus I have the tiniest bit of a hangover, and apparently my security clearance for work hasn't gone through yet(3 out of the 4 interns in my office haven't been granted their clearance yet...so not just me) so I'm leaving for D.C. and I may not start work for days or weeks...sigh.

Busy little bee

I am super duper busy, running all over town doing errands, cleaning my apartment, and just generally trying to get ready to go on Saturday. I have to pack tomorrow, and I have yet to go shopping at all...but, I may go do that in just a few minutes.

Anyway, I don't really have anything to write about. I haven't been doing much except things that can classified as "drudgery." If anything good happens you'll be the first to know.

PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY B!!!!

Oh Jimmy, you always know JUST what to say!

I'm listening to Jimmy, having a beer, and cleaning out my closet (HOLY SHIT! How did I get this many clothes in this many sizes, NONE of which fit me?). Guac. Kid's son is staying here for a while during the time I'm in D.C., so I want to make some room for him to at least hang up some clothes or something. Anyway, so, I'm listening to Jimmy and here's how it usually works... I'll just be listening, going about my business, and one particular song will really strike me as being THE song that totally describes my mood or whatever. And tonight, that song is "The Wino and I Know." It's partially the words, and partially the music, but for tonight, it's just the song of my moody life.

THE WINO AND I KNOW Jimmy Buffett

The ice cream man he's a hillbilly fan,
He's got seventy-eights by Hank Snow;
Walks down the street, shufflin' his feet,
To the rhythm that only he knows.

And I've seen him in so many places,
I saw him the night I was born;
In a Bourbon Street bar I received my first scar
From an old man so tattered and torn.

And the Wino and I know the pains of street singin'
Like the door-to-door salesman knows the pains of bell ringin'
It's a strange situation,
a wild occupation,
Living my life like a song.

Well the coffee is strong at the Cafe Du Monde,
And the donuts are too hot to touch;
But just like a fool, when those sweet goodies cool,
I ate 'til I ate way too much.

Cause I'm livin' on things that excite me,
Be they pastries or lobsters or love;
I'm just tryin' to get by being quiet and shy,
In a world full of pushin' and shove.

And the Wino and I know the pains of backbustin',
Like the farmer knows the pain of his pick-up truck rustin'.
It's a strange situation,
a wild occupation,
Living my life like a song.

Sweet Senorita, Won't you please come with me?
Back to the island, honey, back to the sea;
Back to the only place that I want to be.
And the Wino and I know the joys of the ocean,
Like a boy knows the joys of his milkshake in motion.

It's a strange situation,
a wild occupation,
Living my life like a song.

DONE!

I am FINALLY done with 2L. Christ, I thought it would never be over.

Of course, this presupposed that I passed all my classes, but hey, that's why we have a curve right?

In other news, the Admin exam was effing insane...thank God it's over!

Sadly, I will be cleaning house all day and trying to get stuff ready to go to D.C. I wish I could say that I was having some big drunken deal, but, alas, no. I am going to a party on Friday, the theme of which is "Tequila and Karaoke", so I think that should be good. I'm going out tomorrow night too with a newly single friend who just graduated and says she needs one last hurrah before she gets serious about bar prep...and, of course, I'm happy to oblige!

I'm off to scrub the shower.

A vast conspiracy...

To keep me from doing well today.

First Denise and the dog and the screaming.

Then, during my four hours of sleep, a middle of the night phone call.

RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGG. I frantically pick up the phone, mostly because it's so loud.

"Hello, hey man, why aren't you out with us?"

"Wha? Huh? whathefuckwhoisthis?"

"Oh, hey, I'm sorry...you're not Jose are you?"

"CLEARLY NOT"

"Oh, sorry....damn, sorry"

LOTS of cursing on my end of the dead line. Lots. Even more than Denise's husband when the dog pisses on the carpet. My cursing was the equivalent of what Denise's husband would say if BOTH Denise and the dog not only pissed on the carpet but took a crap in his bed. That's how many bad words I said. Must. Get. Sleep.

One four hour exam, coming right up -- just think, at 12:30 I will be done with 2L. YAY!

Tonight's subject is Denise...

Dear Denise,

I'm starting to think you are really stupid. In fact, you must be a complete fucking moron, because, honestly, how many times does your husband/boyfriend/live-in sinner have to scream at you to "take the goddamn dog out before he pisses on the fucking carpet again Denise, goddamnit"?

In point of fact, this is probably mostly your man's problem (although who DOES like dog piss on the carpet?), and were I not so busy, tired and cranky, I would not hesitate to recommend some nice couple's counseling or possibly an anger management class to help you two come to terms with what is obviously a stressor in your relationship. However, and I know you might find this shocking, I have other shit to worry about besides you, your man, and your dog...so, unless I hear him actually threaten your life I'm going to have to ask you both to please take your domestic disturbances down a notch.

Please Denise, for the love of all that is holy, and in deference to the fact that we don't have A/C here in the great Northwest and so my windows must remain open or I'll die of heat stroke, and I have a Very. Important. Exam. tomorrow...PLEASE, take the goddamn dog out before it pisses on the fucking carpet again. I'm begging you Denise.

Kisses.

E. Spat.

v. v. busy

PR -- both harder and easier than I expected. Lots of issues. Think I passed but probably not with any degree of stellar-arity.

Admin -- tomorrow morning at 8:30. Very, very scared. Gave up outlining and am just trying to cram what I can in before tomorrow.

I spent the whole night tossing and turning and worrying about stuff I have to do before I leave on Saturday. Why hasn't my boss emailed me back? Are they mad because I forgot to turn in my paperwork to get on the intern intranet? Can I get another key for my apartment since GK's kid is going to stay here for a couple weeks? Where is my birth certificate? Do I have another box of checks? When do I have time to go shopping for some work clothes? When will I have time to mail a box of stuff that won't fit in my luggage to my friend's house who are picking me up from the airport? What if it doesn't get there on time and I don't have alarm clock Monday morning? What if I don't get to work on time? Should I go buy pantyhose here or there?

See what I mean? I'm an anxiety-ridden mess! I did go for my walk today so hopefully that used up some of my excess energy that I would normally use to worry all night.

I found this picture and immediately thought of, well, myself.

10 hours and counting....

It is 10 hours until the start of my PR exam. All I have to do is (a) learn PR, and (b) get at least 7 hours of sleep because I'm not really that awesomely brilliant when I'm tired, which is to say, EVEN less awesomely brilliant than usual (you didn't think it possible, I know).

My study strategy has devolved from "Eh, there's plenty of time to read the book, and all the supplementary materials she gave out over the course of the quarter, and the cases, and the comments to the Model Rules...NO PROBLEM! I could do that in A DAY!" to "Oh well, I'll just read over the Model Rules a few times, try to get to the first, and hopefully summary-ific, sentence of each comment, do flashcards with LQ (who is much more prepared than me) and call it a night...still NO PROBLEM, AND I can do it in LESS THAN A DAY!"

Ignorance is bliss I tell ya!

Here it is, your moment of Zen.

Beefy McManstick Badass Spatula. Still alive! Still swimming in the most vile water ever! I've promised him a full spa treatment/tank cleaning after exams. Guac. Kid's son is taking care of him over the summer...hopefully he'll continue to thrive...and by "thrive" I mean "barely hang on to life by one slimy, waterlogged, thread."

Sir, I'm going to need you to retard your anger!

I almost forgot this story!

I was on the bus coming home from school today and the only people in the whole back of the bus (they are the buses that are really like two buses stuck together, so the back is actually an entire bus by itself...this isn't really important, but I thought you'd want to know) were me, and a couple that got on near the university that look like most of the other young street urchin types that hang around down there...capes, black lipstick, ironic haircuts, reeking of apathy...you know the type.

Anyway, probably about 10 blocks into the trip, one of their cell phones starts to ring, and then, about every two minutes, there is a little notification buzzer type thing that goes off, notifying whichever of them the phone belongs to that they have voice mail (presumably).

This goes on, and on, and on, and on...for probably about 20 minutes. As the bus gets farther north towards my stop, I get closer to reaching over and figuring out whose cell phone it is and shoving it right up the owner's ass. Oh my GOD, it was so totally irritating, I thought I was going to freak out.

So, eventually, everyone gets off the entire bus except me and these two people. I am seriously considering saying something to them when they pull the cord and signify that they want to get off the bus. I was so freaking happy, I could hardly contain myself!

They get off the bus, and I breathe a sigh of relief that I won't have to subjected to their stupid annoying phone ring anymore. And then....I HEAR IT!

The annoying ring! It belongs TO ME!

Apparently I got a text message, and the notification alert was going off, over and over and over, and since my phone is new and I don't have the same assigned rings as I used to, I totally didn't realize it was me.

First, I scream at a priest and a gaggle of nuns on Tuesday, and now this. I am definitely going to hell...or perhaps I can go to heaven after some sort of Anger Management pitstop on the way.

Still alive...but barely. And frankly, if you are depressed easily, you might want to turn away while you still can.

Today I have spent approximately 1/4 of my time studying and 3/4 of my time screwing around on the internets, attending a friend's birthday party, talking to semi-frequent commenter and next-door neighbor Guacamole Kid, who is leaving tomorrow for a summer of fishing in Alaska and hanging out with his lovely wife, and just generally not being very productive.

At my pal's b-day, our other friend, who you might remember from last year as my Moot Court partner, brought her one year old baby, and it was really bizarre and strange to see someone younger than me with a baby and being so maternal. I've talked before about how I've felt the last couple years of my life have been spent devolving in a sense...I went from being married with a career to being divorced and back in school. It's bittersweet to see people passing me by...I'm happy for them but sad that I'm starting to think in terms of "if I have kids" rather than "when I have kids" or "if I ever meet someone" rather than "when I meet someone." I won't even go into how I feel about my prospects of ever getting married again. Guess I should start with dating, but, that just hasn't been going on lately. It's weird, I don't know if it's me or them, but I haven't met anyone in a long time that seemed the least bit interested in me that wasn't just looking for a one-night stand or some kind of "secret from the 'real' girlfriend" relationship (two or three night stand maybe). It's starting to affect my self-image...I mean, am I so awful that the only way a man would want to deal with me is if I'm giving him no-strings-attached sex and he doesn't have to put up with me at any other time? I really have started to look at myself and wonder what's wrong with me that NO ONE in two years has wanted to date me! No one! I mean, it's soooooo demoralizing to realize the only way any man would want to be with you is as an afterthought, or as a warm body to use and walk away from. Sigh. This is depressing. I guess as long as I'm already blue I might as well study Admin. Boo for this Saturday night.

Friday Spies © (The Saturday Morning Re-do Edition)

1. From Janie Q: "How about your favorite tv show when you were a kid, and why hasn't it been remade into a movie, or if it has, how was that movie, or maybe it shouldn't be remade at all?"

I was an avid TV watcher as a kid...sort of your prototypical bookworm indoorsy parked in front of the tube kind of kid. I really liked Hunter and would get super excited when I was allowed to stay up late to watch it. I loved Miami Vice, MacGyver, Magnum P.I., The A-Team...I could go on and on. I think if I had to choose one for movie-hood it would be MacGyver. It would be great as a movie, and Richard Dean Anderson is still way hot.

On the other hand, I heard Miami Vice is already being made into a movie, and I don't have much of a desire to see that at all.

2. Stag asks: ""Tell us about your favorite vacation or your fav place to go on vacation."

My favorite vacation was my cross-country road trip with M. a couple years ago when I drove from Texas to my law school city. We went to the Grand Canyon, a bunch of touristy stuff like the Continental Divide and a ghost town in the Mojave Desert, and then drove up Highway 101 along the coast of northern California and Oregon, and then stayed with my parents for a while before I headed to school. The coast there between N. CA and OR is one of my most favorite places on the planet, it's beautiful and gorgeous and no one should go their whole life without seeing the ancient redwood forests and agate and driftwood filled beaches. Gorgeous! Plus, M. and I had a great time just talking and driving and drinking beer at dive bars across the country...it was really awesome.

My next favorite "vacation" was actually not a vacation, but a trip I took for the Air Force to Germany. That's where I fell in love with German beer and I just loved everything about the country, it was beautiful and the people were really warm (unlike France where people weren't mean or anything, but it just isn't really my thing and the people aren't really outgoing and friendly like in Spain or Germany). I also loved Spain and Hawaii and would go back to either place in a minute.

If I could choose a place to go right now, it would definitely be somewhere beachy...Tahiti maybe? M. and I watched an IMAX movie about Tahiti once and I have to say, it looks like a place I could love!

3. Soup inquires: "Are you a fan ofGet Fuzzy?

Sorry Soup...nope. I don't even read the comics in the paper. I've never been able to get into comics except maybe The Far Side and that's probably only because my mom thinks they're really funny and always buys the books so they're around the house and when I'm bored I read them.

4.Sebastian Haff has a burning desire to know: "[Which] celebrities [do] you think are most likely to pose in Playboy and why[?]"

Well, I won't go with Whorebag Spears because it's been mentioned several times and I think it's just a given.

I think we might start to see some of the older actresses who are just filled to the brim with silicone and botox posing and trying to prove their eternal youngness. My best guess would be Melanie Griffith...complete with the Antonio Forever tattoo and her giant trout-like lips. Nicolette Sheridan is probably a good candidate as well...she's definitely had her fair share of work done. I could also see Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff posing together in a few years, sort of a "Yeah, we're both washed up and never had any talent anyway, but look, we're finally realizing we're too much alike not to be friends and lay around naked together" centerfold type of thing.

5.Energy Spatula gets to the heart of the matter with the final question for the week: "Why don't you write about which one [Fitz-Hume or Milbarge] is a huge liar?"

I'm not sure who's the biggest liar. Fitz specifically told us he didn't have any good law school stories to write about, and then Milby was all "We have so many great stories it could be a sitcom and by the way I'd be played by Zach Braff." Milby told us he was going on sabbatical/hiding/"taking a break" and then couldn't stop posting for even a few days...how's it going there Mr. Long Time Reader? So, I would say they've both lied to me and betrayed my trust. Now I just need to figure out which one has the most substance abuse problems and criminal tendencies and voila! Husband #3!

Friday Spies © (The *&$^%# Edition)

DAMNIT! I just spent a half hour writing my Friday Spies answers and my damn computer did it's little "turning off in the middle of doing something" thing and I don't have time to redo it right now. I will make an effort to try again later, but, of course, whatever was lost was obviously brilliant and funny and the best thing I've ever written and the post I will come up with later will be sad and pathetic in comparison. Of course, you're used to that, so I guess it'll probably all work out.

Who cares less about Professional Responsibility than me right now? NO ONE! Don't lie! There's no way anyone could care less than me so quit trying. Tomorrow is Admin review all day and I have to say, I'm kind of looking forward to it after two days of PR rules and ethics issue spotters. Blech.

Shut UP, I'm trying to think.

What is it that's so funny about the word "disgorgement"? Oh yeah, EVERYTHING!

I have my Crest Whitestrips in...I'm drooling like Molly the Satanic Dog on a field trip to the Milkbone Factory. Why can't I be that pretty girl in the commercial that just slips them on her teeth and confidently runs out the door to healthfully bicycle her way to work with a ginormous shit-eating grin on her beautiful gorgeous straight-toothed face, Whitestrips invisible, unencumbering, and non-drool-making? I think she's the same girl that plugs up the hole in her boyfriend's romantic but leaky canoe with her tampon...and then they both laugh and bond and look at each other with that "special look." Because, let's face it, what's hotter than yanking a tampon out of your pocket and getting all MacGyver with it?

I'm listening to Bob Marley and studying PR. I have yet to figure out if these activities are mutually exclusive, or just merely ironic when done together. There's pretty much nothing that Bob advocates that won't get you in trouble with the ABA somehow, someway. However, I find the music relaxing, and it nearly counters the totally soul-destroyingness of PR as a "subject." LQ and I have discussed amongst ourselves and agree that a weekend seminar with snacks would be totally sufficient and much less time waste-y. My time is valuable people! I don't have financial aid money given to me by the government which I must pay back WITH INTEREST to just throw around taking classes that could easily be taught in 1/10th the time with 1/27th the effort on both mine and the professor's parts. And with SNACKS! Think of the possibilities! I would almost be willing to figure out what deontology is if we could make this happen before my exam on Monday.

The only other big addition to my life is one of those great big exercise balls that you lay on to do crunches and stuff. My mom gave it to me (makes me wish she'd just told me I had fat knees...the giving of exercise equipment is even worse than flat-out verbal criticism) and I've been using it. The only downside so far is that my entire mid-section from shoulders to hips is in complete and utter pain, the degree of which I haven't experienced since I fell down while I was drunk and landed on a big rock and had a bruise on my ass for two months . The upside is my stomach muscles hurt so much I don't really feel like eating...perhaps I will try to figure out a way to engage in a targeted knee-fat-loss program that will restore my knees to thier once splendiforous glory. But probably not.

I can't wait for exams to be over.

My knees are pleasantly plump.

I took the skirt to the suit I just bought to the alterations lady today. She is the same lady that did my bridesmaid dress for M.'s wedding, and she's very nice and from somewhere in Eastern Europe (her name is Olga). The jacket to the suit is perfect, but the skirt fell to about mid-calf, quite an awful length on most women, especially me.

First, I put on the skirt so she could see.

"OHHHHHNOOOOO, zat looks vvvvverrrry bad on you!"

Then, she pinned it.

"Zee right here, now it look muuuuuch better! You vant shorter?"

So, we took it up an inch.

"OHHHHHHNOOOO, vee need to take down one half inch. You see here? Here is top of knee and then vee need skirt to cover zat, chubby you zee?"

So, we took it down a half an inch.

"PERRRRRRRRFECT! Now vee zee only bottom of knee. PERFECT!"

Then she told me I had a beautiful smile and she didn't believe I was 30. Apparently though, I have a bit of a chubby upper knee. I do actually think she picked the most flattering length, however, I could have done without one more flaw to obsess over. CHUBBY KNEES!

Bad Date #6: And just so you know, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!

Someone linked to my series of Bad Date Stories today, and it got me thinking about other bad dates I've had. So, here's another one that didn't make the Top 5, but was still pretty bad.

I had been dating this guy for about a month and a half. He was pretty nice, tall, and, I would come to find out, unnaturally close to his mother. He did buy me a nice Ikea lamp though once, which I think she picked out, so kudos to her. Finally, after weeks of weekend dates which were all very fun but pretty much G-rated, I got to the point where I felt like he was kind of pissing me off because, well, he wouldn't put out. There, I said it. He pretended to be all gentlemanly and whatnot, and meanwhile I was dying of frustration. So, I tricked him into inviting me to stay overnight at his house so we could go to this awesome museum together for a full day, and still be able to get dinner and drinks the night before without having to drive me home (it was about 35 miles away).

I got there on Friday night and, first indicator of impending doom, he decides he just wants to "order in a pizza" because he's tired from work! PUH-LEAZE. This dude had the stink about him of a man who hasn't had sex in a LONG time, and he was making no effort at all...plus, he was only 31 years old, a military officer, in great shape, and wasn't working outside in the hot sun or anything strenuous like that. I won't lie, this worried me. But, I persevered because, hey, I was stuck there (this was after I sold my car and became sadly reliant on public transportation...I had taken the commuter train down to his house Friday after school and he was to drive me back on Saturday) and up until that point the only thing really wrong with him was that he was TOO nice and seemed very asexual. We ordered pizza, and sat down to watch a movie and have a drink.

Or, more to the point, for me to have a drink. Mr. Stressy-pants couldn't hold his liquor and was afraid to drink more than 1/2 a beer because he didn't want to get "too crazy." Yeeeeeeah. Also, he rented Lost in Translation, which, frankly, didn't do much for me. But, whatever. After the movie, I try to move things along, which, prior to him and since him, has never been an issue. And, well, not to get too graphic...but...he had a little bit of a "performance problem." As in, no performance at all. The stage lights were on but the leading man was on strike, if you know what I mean.

I tried to be understanding, I really did. But, then, he lashed out. "Well, I don't know about you, but I haven't had sex in two years." "Uhhhhhhhh...." Then, the best line ever to throw out in an awkward situation..."Well, how long has it been since you had sex?" I was laying there trying to decide whether to lie or not (listen buddy, it sure as shit hasn't been two years!), when all of the sudden he gets even more into his role as Mr. CrazyAssPyschoBoy and goes "Also, just how many men have you slept with?"

How does one answer that when one is trapped at someone's house, with no means of transportation, and the person asking the question is clearly already feeling woefully sexually inadequate? And I guess I was silent too long because he goes "Is it more than 5?" Nervous laugh. "Is it more than ten?" Um. Uh. I mean, this was a couple of years ago, but I'm 30 years old, I've had past relationships...why are we talking about this? Also, I was having a real hard time not lashing back...never in my whole life have I wanted to unleash the E. Spat mean streak so much! But, to my credit, I resisted the urge to say "10 this year?" Or, "why, what did your office mate tell you?"

So, after that wonderfully awkward exchange, I very carefully tried to go to sleep without touching him AT ALL, and got up super-early the next morning to get ready to go home and hoped I would wake him up so I could just get the hell out of there (sadly we still visited the museum, but spent the entire time in awkward silence and general uncomfortableness -- we didn't stay long). It is important to note that after I took a shower and got dressed and got my shit together and went into the living room he was on the phone with his mother, telling HER ALL ABOUT ME, like we hadn't just had to most terribly awkward night EVER! Also, this is when I found out that, although he was 31, his paychecks went into a joint account with his mother and she paid all his bills and gave him a little allowance. I couldn't even think because of the noise of all the warning flags popping up in my head.

Apparently though, he felt like all was well, and wanted to take me to lunch on the way home after the brief stop at the museum. I politely smiled and tried not to kick him in the throat, and off we went to lunch, where the next best part of the "date" happened.

After lunch, the waitress noticed I'd barely touched my food and asked if I'd like a to-go box.

Me: "Yes!"

Boy: "Ummm, are you sure?"

Me: "Yeah, why?"

Boy: "Well, I just don't know if it's a good idea."

Me: "HUH?"

Boy: "OK, I really don't want you taking food in my car."

Me: "What in THE f*ck are you talking about?"

Boy: "Look, it's a $45,000 car!"

Me: "It's $16 pasta! I want to take it home!"

Boy: "No, sorry. You might spill."

So, we left the pasta behind because apparently I can't be trusted to carry a takeout container on my lap without spazzing out and splashing it all over this asshat's expensive sports car. Then, because I was pissed, I go "So, do you want to talk about what happened last night?" He actually goes "What? I think everything is fine." REALLY? You seriously think that? The end of this story is that basically I just quit answering his phone calls and he eventually moved away, or so I heard. I didn't feel any real need for a formal break-up since there had never been a formal, uh, break-in.

Anyhoo, didn't I tell you before I could tell these stories all damn day?

Maybe if exams really start to get me down I'll think of some more bad date stories. This one is probably right on the edge of where I'm willing to go in terms of racy-ness (raciness? racyness? When in doubt, hyphenate and pretend you're being intentionally obtuse), and I'm not sure I have any left that aren't, to some degree or another, things I don't really want to get into on my blog. Hmmm....I'll have to consider this more fully at a later date.

Oh yeah

Finished the Admin comment (we had to write a comment to an agency about a proposed rule) in approximately 32 minutes. HELL YEAH. This is the last in an ongoing assignment that I managed to do in the total wrong format all quarter, and then the program we electronically submit stuff on wouldn't let me go back and edit. So, I finished the final (cumulative) assignment to reflect the way it should have been all along and turned it in with a little electronic note that said, essentially, "Sorry I can't follow even the simplest of written instructions, and also I tried to go back and edit but to no avail, so here's my final cumulative project, in the right format, and...uh...yeah, sorry I'm stupid."

No more classes left in 2L. I wonder if I'll feel good after exams or if it will be kind of anti-climactic (sp?)? For sure I'll feel drunk, but, actually, I'll probably try to do a bunch of house/get ready to move/clothes shopping things during the week and save the drinking for Friday night after exams...then all my friends will be done too and I can celebrate with them, instead of getting drunk and sitting alone on my couch watching Bridget Jones and blogging about totally unrealized dreams of the perfect Cabana Boy.

I think it might even quit raining long enough for me to get a walk in today -- YAY! I was starting to feel a little cabin-feverish last night after finally getting in the habit of getting some regular exercise and then being thwarted by the weather for a couple of days in a row.

Lunch, then PR outlining. Sigh. It's neverending. Truly.

The beginning of the end...

LQ informs me that today is the last day of class, a fact I was wholly unaware of until I read the comments to the last post this morning. As she has pointed out to me several times, what would I do without her keeping me moving in the right direction?

This news makes me happy. Weird though that 2L is almost over.