Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Warning. 6% downhill grade next 3 miles.

I am suddenly, inexplicably, very melancholy. I have no idea why.

I think partially from the fact that I have already told my "twice divorced used to be in the Air Force" stories to everyone at work and it's just depressing that sometimes I wonder if I'm anything BUT those's a persona, like this blog, and I think it's funny and everyone gets a kick out of it, but why would it be so difficult to be a little truer to who I really am?

Which, of course, begs the question...who am I? This past year has been really weird because I think about this question ALL THE TIME! I never put much thought into it before, but I feel much more sensitive now to what I feel people's perceptions of me are and whether or not what I am putting out personality-wise is an accurate reflection of who I feel that I am. When people say "oh, you're just straightforward" or "don't worry, we love you the way you are"...well, it kind of hurts my feelings. Why do I have to be loved DESPITE the "way I am"?

I feel lately this sort of overhwhelming sense of wondering what is real in my life. Are my friends real or do they just hang around for some unknown reason? When they do something and don't call me I tend to think that it's because they made a concious decision not to include me...and I can't tell if that's paranoia or just a healthy sense of reality. And even if it is real, it's certainly their choice, but I wish I could be someone that people actually call just to hang out or whatever instead of someone people call the next day to tell how fun it was when they all hung out the night before. Maybe none of that is real and I just perceive that people are having a much better time than me when in fact they all feel just as isolated...I'm not sure really.

Is this life I'm choosing for myself what I really want? I'm not sure exactly, but I have felt very lonely since starting law school, even with the friends I've made, but I can't figure out if that's a product of the law school experience, dissatisfaction with the path I'm choosing, or perhaps a lack of something I've always had...companionship in the form of a relationship. As I've said before, my parents have a very close and sort of insular relationship and that's something I still imagine myself having someday, but hopefully not because I'm needy or trying to fill a hole in my life that is the result of some other problem or decision. Right now I love the place I'm working and I know if I worked there I could be happy with my job...but already I'm worrying about the fact that it's a government agency and they more that likely will not make offers to interns, so I'll be out pounding the pavement come September...what then? Scary!

Anyway, all of this stuff (navelgazing...sorry!) is I guess a way of saying that I'm trying to figure out who I am. And right now I feel like I'm someone whose best parts are all in the past and who feels the need to constantly prove that I'm fun and likable by being self-deprecating and funny at my own expense and then harping on my glory days in the Air Force to prove that I am an intellectually sound human being who has done interesting and important work even though I didn't always make the best choices (the bad choices being the fodder for the fun and entertaining anecdotes). I know that sounds incredibly circular, and I think it probably is, but for some reason it's a cycle that I have a really hard time stopping.

I feel like sometimes the people in my life use me as comic relief, which is fine because I like to entertain people and tell funny stories, but not at the expense of people feeling they can come to me to solve a problem or answer a serious question. I don't want to be a joke or just "that girl with all the ex-husbands who used to be in the Air Force." The military is really important to me, and I feel like it's a part of who I am, and I can't fix the divorce thing (and hey, I can't help it if I'm naturally funny) but I'm more than those two things and it's partially/mostly my fault for not finding a way to show that to other people.

I'm going to work on that.
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