Saturday, June 04, 2005

Still alive...but barely. And frankly, if you are depressed easily, you might want to turn away while you still can.

Today I have spent approximately 1/4 of my time studying and 3/4 of my time screwing around on the internets, attending a friend's birthday party, talking to semi-frequent commenter and next-door neighbor Guacamole Kid, who is leaving tomorrow for a summer of fishing in Alaska and hanging out with his lovely wife, and just generally not being very productive.

At my pal's b-day, our other friend, who you might remember from last year as my Moot Court partner, brought her one year old baby, and it was really bizarre and strange to see someone younger than me with a baby and being so maternal. I've talked before about how I've felt the last couple years of my life have been spent devolving in a sense...I went from being married with a career to being divorced and back in school. It's bittersweet to see people passing me by...I'm happy for them but sad that I'm starting to think in terms of "if I have kids" rather than "when I have kids" or "if I ever meet someone" rather than "when I meet someone." I won't even go into how I feel about my prospects of ever getting married again. Guess I should start with dating, but, that just hasn't been going on lately. It's weird, I don't know if it's me or them, but I haven't met anyone in a long time that seemed the least bit interested in me that wasn't just looking for a one-night stand or some kind of "secret from the 'real' girlfriend" relationship (two or three night stand maybe). It's starting to affect my self-image...I mean, am I so awful that the only way a man would want to deal with me is if I'm giving him no-strings-attached sex and he doesn't have to put up with me at any other time? I really have started to look at myself and wonder what's wrong with me that NO ONE in two years has wanted to date me! No one! I mean, it's soooooo demoralizing to realize the only way any man would want to be with you is as an afterthought, or as a warm body to use and walk away from. Sigh. This is depressing. I guess as long as I'm already blue I might as well study Admin. Boo for this Saturday night.
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