Dance Fever...YEAH!

I decided to head out with some friends to a bar that is doing "Solid Gold" night tonight...like the TV show. I am sitting here with my gold high heels, sparkly gold jewelry, and intricate yet sultry gold eye makeup and lipgloss, waiting to go. I think it'll be fun, and no matter what, I look pretty ridiculously New Years kiss-a-licious, so here's to hoping I get an anonymous kiss from an anonymous man. Hurrah!

Happy New Years everyone!

Well I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.

I am trying to decide whether or not to do New Year's resolutions. I keep trying to think about it, and then that commercial for that new legal show with Jenna Elfman comes on and I have to spend an hour stabbing myself in the eyes to get the image of her dancing out of my mind. She looks like a skeleton in a wig and bikini...at one point she turns around and you can see all of her ribs on both sides in stark relief, it's gross. I think I saw her spleen.

Anyway, I have to put some thought into it I guess. Or not. I still don't have plans for tonight, but my friend is supposed to call me this afternoon and then I guess we're going to decide whether it's worth it to go out. I know I'm getting old because when I think about going out on New Year's Eve, I think "Shit...I don't want to drive anywhere...all the crazy drunk people are going to be out on the road" and I actually do mean other people. I'm far too uptight to drink and drive. That's something you guys don't know about me, I'm uptight. I heart rules! They're made to be followed. I didn't drink until I was 21, I never had a fake I.D., and in high school when I snuck out I would only hang out with my boyfriend right across the street on the golf course because if my parents got up and saw I was gone I would rather get in trouble than have them worry if they couldn't find me. Yup, I'm a nerd.

Anyway, I think I see the sun peeking out for the first time in like six weeks, so I'm gonna go check that out. Keep those links coming for the Roundup tomorrow. I've gotten several emails and they've all been great!

I'm not going to be able to sit down for a week...

Wanna know why? Because I just took it right up the ass from the Department of Vehicle Licensing. I finally went and registered my car. I've been putting it off, but I thought I probably owed some karmic penance or something for the last couple of days of my life, which were a total waste in more ways than one, so off I went to the DoL. And let me tell you...I got a FREE car, FREE, and then guess how much they charged me to register it?

NO GUESS!

SEVEN HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS. I swear to God. What the hell?? How is that even possible? It's a 1999 Mercury Sable! I am just in shock. Shock and awe. Awe that I am actually stuck in a state where state-sponsored ass-raping is totally legal apparently.

Also, and I think this is sort of the best part...I asked her "Well, how much will it cost from now on to register it? A lot less right?" She goes, "Oh yeah, it'll be about...uh...let's see...$200 a year."

TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS A YEAR? I want every single elected representative in this state to come TO MY HOUSE and explain to me where this money is going!! Because, I'll tell you what, I have yet to see one single damn thing being done ANYWHERE that is of any benefit to me, even in the most nominal sense. I mean, oh my God. Two hundred dollars a year? Is that some kind of fucking joke? I'll tell you right now, I am not laughing.

This is almost enough to cause me to start looking for jobs exclusively in other states. States where they don't sneak up on you and steal your sweet, sweet innocence when you least expect it.

Just Because: Rusty Joiner

A couple of people have recently mentioned to me that they are anxiously awaiting another Just Because boy. Since I had some free time on my hands today, and I couldn't spend it ALL praying for a swift death and listening to my liver cry, I decided to find me us a new boy. This guy is HOT. HOT HOT HOT. He is, I don't know, an actor or something...his website says he was in Dodgeball. But, really, look at those abs....can you still form coherent enough thoughts to wonder or care what his "real" job is? Seriously. Damn.

Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.

I forced myself to get off the couch and stop wallowing, put on some makeup, and go to Target. I bought earrings. Then I went grocery shopping and bought something healthy for dinner, and marshmallows for later. I heart marshmallows.

I still feel like the world's hugest bag of ass, but at least I'm a bag of ass that's not wallowing.

I also called and scheduled a hair appointment for Monday since I don't have school. Nothing will make you feel better than spending $200 on your hair. But, it has to look good. Wanna know why?

Because in only 13 short days it is MY BIRTHDAY! That's right people, start shopping now because I want presents and they better be good. I thought about trying to copy Sherry's idea about having a virtual birthday party -- after all, I attended hers (of course, you won't know which one is me, but trust me, I'm in there) -- but, I just don't think I have the energy or necessary computer skills. Maybe we'll just have a comment only birthday party that day or something. I'm not sure what I'll do in real life to mark the occasion, last year I had a very fun low-key party so maybe I'll do that again. No matter what, I'll have good hair and that counts for something I guess. I can't face thirty-one and gray hair all at the same time. I just can't.

Tomorrow I'm going back to the gym, I've taken a few days off which I know is contributing to my melancholy-ness. I only gained about 2 pounds over the whole holiday season, which isn't bad actually, but I definitely want to start moving back in the right direction before it gets out of hand...I've worked too hard to come this far to have a boredom induced backslide. Plus, it's good for my mental health. I'm also going to try to finish up some of the organizational projects I've started around the house. I'm really happy with my progress thus far because it is antithetical to my nature to organize ANYTHING, but there is still a long way to go. Projects. They're good for my mental health too.

Brokeback Mountain review

As I was saying in the comments to the post below this one, if I could only use one word to describe Brokeback Mountain, I think it would be "lonely."

I was very deeply affected by the movie. I don't know if it was because of the love story, which made me more sharply aware of my own lack of companionship and love, or if it was just the stark loneliness that these men endure right until the bitter end, which, frankly, caused me to dwell a bit on my own loneliness and lack of connection to many people on anything other than the most basic level.

The love story was tragic, and not just because it ended tragically. I really thought it was heartbreaking to watch these two men struggle to try to communicate with each other and with themselves and with the world. I wish that I was a better writer so I could find a way to articulate what I thought and why I found it so moving, but, and maybe this is the hangover talking, I'm struggling to find the right words.

I definitely recommend it, and I'm sure that the vast majority of you are infinitely more well-adjusted emotionally than me, and you probably won't want to sit in your car blubbering for an hour afterwards. I can't promise you won't cry at all though, because it is kind of sad.

It made me think about the last person I really, truly loved. I wish I had told him. I wish that he had loved me back (who knows, maybe he did, only very, very quietly).

I think I need to go back to bed. I'm melancholy and lonely.

Better

OK, I am safely bundled up on the couch with the TV on and my new wireless internet and after a couple more hours of sleep I now feel as though I might live. For now.

So, about the drinking binge. Yesterday I went and saw Brokeback Mountain and it was SO SAD. SOOOOOOOO SAD. I cried and cried like a little bitch. I sat in my car for like an hour crying my head off like a big boo-hoo machine (That's an inside joke with M. Trust me, it's a lotta crying.)

After I got out of the movie I decided I really didn't want to be alone so I called a friend of mine who stayed in town through the holidays and we got some food and then decided to get some booze and watch Super Troopers because he'd never seen it before. So we did that. Then we walked down the street to play some pool after the tequila ran out. Then apparently we came back here and I went to bed and my poor friend passed out on my couch.

The funniest part was this morning when I woke up, had no idea for a minute where I was or how I'd gotten there, and then I heard coughing. I thought it was my neighbors and then I was like "HOLY SHIT THAT'S IN MY HOUSE!" I jumped out of bed thinking there was a burglar with a cough in my house, realized I was still in my clothes from last night (at least I was wearing cashmere), and then all of the sudden I was like, "Heyyyyyyyyyyy, that sounds like my friend." I seriously thought I had a burglar for a minute...I did not know what the hell was going on. Anyway, I got up and took my poor friend home and I'm sure he's feeling as terrible as I am today, but I can't really sympathize when I'm still feeling like a train hit me.

If I ever recover from the trauma, I might write about some thoughts I had after seeing Brokeback Mountain. It was just so sad. God. I'm gonna start crying again if I even think about it.

Oh god

OH god. OH MY GOD. The first person who comes here and kills me and puts me out of my misery gets a kajillion dollars. My friend and I drank an entire bottle of tequila last night and then walked to a bar down the street and drank for about four more hours. Oh god. I'm going to die.

St.anyky beeer

HAHAHA. sy. antky beer.

tequila iss fung.!

TEQUILA!

We habe the two twequilas. Here's to nonattribution! I'm typing for E.Spat because she's drunk and has a temporary lisssp. Super Troopers is the best movie ever, especially if you'e been drinkign tweqila. We have pictures, but we will put them up later because it's hard to do right now.

I'm supposed to say something personal but I can't think of anything good. I ate some chips. They were goodl. I'm usualy qute a tiypist but I'm not doing so hot right now. That's all o git. wrd.

I'm, like, all wireless and shit.

Guess what I'm doing RIGHT NOW? I'm blogging on my brand-newly installed wireless internet(s) connection. Hell yeah! My goal over break while I'm stuck in town with all my friends still gone is to do a bunch of organizational shit around my apartment, and one of the things on my list was to try to set up my desk with my new printer and new wireless router...and I actually got all that done today and it's not even freaking NOON yet! Tomorrow is closet organization day, so I guess I better enjoy my small victory while I can.

As a reward I'm taking myself to the movies this afternoon.

You know, someone like you needs to diminish their criminal impulses, not magnify them. Maybe some jazz or some classical.

Had the interview today. Seemed to go well, but sure as shit if I talk about it here it will all go to hell. At this point I'm hoping to at least get a kindly rejection letter...which, let's face it, is a step up from my usual craptacular consolation prize of UTTER AND COMPLETE SILENCE. Here's to hoping.

I'm working on a couple of long posts, so I'll try to write something substantive in the upcoming days. Or I'll sit on my ass drinking Diet Coke by day and beer by night squandering my entire week off. Either way.

Don't forget that this upcoming Sunday is the first installment of the New and Improved Weekly Law School Roundup, so hook a sister up and send me some funny links. I think we're going to have a theme, but you have to email me to find out what it is because I don't want to blow the suspense. You know, the suspense that the three people actually paying attention to anything that happens on this blog are deeply immersed in right this moment. And, no, the theme is NOT "holy shit I'm so hungover I hope a truck hits me and I die before my liver feels well enough to grow thumbs, buy a gun, and shoot me right in the face."

Here's something you don't know about me. I know all the words to every song on Shamrocks and Shenanigans.

Still waiting.

So, I slept in this morning (for me, that's anything past 7am), and it's nearly 9:00 and I still haven't heard from my interviewer to let me know what time/place the interview will be today...assuming of course that they still want to talk to me. I could call the guy on his cell, but he's apparently in court or something.

This kind of blows. I like the firm and I'm happy they asked me back for a second interview, but honestly I do not do well with loose ends. I like to know when things are going to happen so that I can plan ahead and be all prepared. It makes me very nervous to think about having to throw on a suit and try to head downtown in some kind of last-minute type scenario this afternoon.

Oh well, guess there's nothing I can do about it.

I have started putting all my music and stuff on my computer and it's SO FAST! It's awesome! I can't even believe how fast it is...my old one took forever to do anything and I didn't even realize how slow it was because I had nothing to compare it to. So, at least I have a new toy to play with while I wait to see if this guy is going to call.

UPDATE: OK, 3:30 it is. That's awesome...I have the whole day to get my sty of an apartment cleaned up. And maybe a sweet, sweet nap...oh yeah.

Home again, home again.

Well, due to a job interview tomorrow (which, by the way, they rescheduled the other day and have yet to tell me when/where it will be -- just that it's tomorrow), I had to come home from break early. I guess technically I LEFT home early, and came here...to the TVPNM.

I celebrated the day after Christmas by sitting in traffic behind about a million of the world's hugest f*cknuts who all acted like it was their first damn day behind the wheel. I swear to God...what the hell is wrong with people? And I'm happy to report that almost every car had at least a couple of carseats, complete with children climbing all over the backseat instead of being strapped in, so apparently the idiotic masses are still taking seriously their charge to keep the world overpopulated with future Wal-Mart shoppers.

I'm grouchy. If I came home a week early for an interview (second interview) and I don't at least get a nice rejection letter I am going to be semi- to mostly-pissed. Beefy is miraculously still alive though, so that's nice. And I'm going to have to time to get all my shit organized before school starts next week, so that's good too I suppose. Until then...ice cream and sleep, in that order.

At least I come by it honestly.

Let me introduce you to my father's extensive Diet Coke supply...everything but the four boxes sitting on the top shelf of the shoe organizer thingie are empties that are waiting to go to recycling. Most of those are his, as I go by 7-11 nearly every day for my Super Big Gulp Diet Coke, as does he when I'm here. Anyway, I just wanted everyone to see that this may indeed be genetic. Also, what's really funny is that there are four 12-packs left and EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. he asks my mom when she's going to get more because he's "running low and doesn't want to run out." If I had opened the fridge there you would see there are also a couple of 12-packs in there. My mom makes him keep them outside so they don't mess up "her fridge" in the kitchen.

Happy Holidays!!

The Weekly Law School Roundup...It's baaaaaaack!

I am happy to announce that after my post about how much I missed the Weekly Roundup, Evan at Notes From the (Legal) Underground emailed me and said he missed it too, and so we decided that together we will bring it back. Each Sunday we will alternate hosting it on one of our blogs, I will start it here on the first Sunday in January. The Roundup will be in relatively the same format as you're all used to, a few links with short decriptions that direct the reader towards a certain blog. I really hope that the Roundup will be as fun to put together as it always was to read, and I hope that readers will participate by sending fun and entertaining links to law student blogs my way...and if you have a blog, don't be afraid to toot your own horn once in awhile!

I'm very excited, and I hope it goes well and that you'll all enjoy it. As I said in my earlier post, I understand that Blawg Review is out there, but I think this fulfills a different niche and is more about directing readers to fun places than to writing big commentaries or discussions about a topic. And, it will be limited to just a few links, which we hope will keep it manageable both for us in creating it and for readers who just want to click through a few things rather than wade through tons and tons of links.

If this project is well received, I will likely be looking for a current 1L or 2L to take it over in June when I graduate...so tuck that away for future reference as well. Thanks for all your comments, suggestions, and emails...keep 'em coming!

PS: For those of you who never had a chance to read the Roundup while Evan was still doing it, here's the link to his archive of Roundup posts so you can get a chance to see what it was all about.

The sweet, sweet smell of validation.

I need 12 credits each quarter to graduate in June...I'm a little bit ahead due to some extra classes/credits in 2L.

Option A: 16 credits. Trial Advocacy+Subsection (3), International Criminal Law (3), Income Tax(5), Transmission of Wealth (5).

Option B: 13 Credits. Trial Advocacy+Subsection (3), Income Tax(5), Transmission of Wealth (5).

International Criminal Law is taught by my all-time most favoritest law school professor ever in the whole world, but will (knowing him) be very challenging and time intensive, and (obviously) is of no great utility to me in the "real world." Of course, given my track record in terms of finding a job, none of these are really all that useful. What I really need is "The Law of Supersizing" and "Legal Implications of Waste Management Engineering," or perhaps even "Policy Considerations of Mooching Off Friends and Family."

Take the easy schedule and put in 3 more hours of beer drinking a week? Right? RIGHT?

From bad to worse.

Grandpa Spatula came to dinner tonight. I know this is horrible and I'm going to go to hell for even saying it, but watching and listening to him eat makes me sick. Not like "I hate you" sick, but like "watching old people eat is so totally disgusting" sick. I can't help it, I'm squeamish (sp?).

Also, after dinner we went to look at Christmas lights and since Grandpa Spatula has to ride in the front due to all his various "not being able to move around much" issues, my mom sat in the back next to me. Where she promptly started to get carsick. So, then we had to pull the car over so she could drive and my dad sat in the back next to me and spent the whole time backseat driving while my mom went about 20 m.p.h. and kept a running commentary about what was sure to be our certain death. "Oh, I just HATE driving in the fog. Oh goodness, I can't see anything. Wow, there aren't even any lines on this street, I don't know where I'm going...I hope I don't drive us off the side of a mountain...tee hee." It would be funnier if we hadn't actually been in danger of being driven off the side of a mountain in the thick-ass fog.

The grand finale of the evening was when, in trying to create a bit of levity after my mom commented that her driving might kill us, I said "Well, if dinner didn't do it, we're probably safe." That earned me a punch in the arm from my dad, a dirty look from my grandpa, and even an evil glare from Molly the Satanic Dog. Geez, sometimes you just can't win.

How gross?

Today we stopped by the bike shop briefly so that my dad could write down his schedule for next week. There was a large plate of cookies on the counter that apparently a customer brought in and the guys who work in the shop have been eating off of for the past couple days. My dad's coworker goes "Hey, have a cookie! There are tons there, we'll never finish them." So I walk over to look them over, and while I'm trying to decide, my dad goes "Whatever you do, don't eat those red ones, they are SO GROSS!" The kid that works at the shop then goes "Yeah, whatever...you're just saying that so that none of us will eat them." Daddy Spatula then says, "No, I swear, they're so disgusting, don't eat one...or if you do, remember that I warned you!" Then, the kid goes "Well, how gross are they?" And Daddy Spatula, God bless his melodramatic soul, goes "They're SO GROSS! They're...they're...puking out your nose gross."

I'm pretty sure that the red cookies will all still be sitting there after all the other cookies are gone.

Oooooh...burn!

Last night my mom and I skipped dinner because we'd gone out for a big lunch while shopping. So, while my dad was eating his dinner after work, the following exchange occured.

Me: "Mom says that after you eat we can go to Dairy Queen and get blizzards."

Daddy Spatula: *furtively looking around to make sure Mama Spatula is nowhere to be seen* "Oh yeah? Did she say we could go or did she say she could ask me for permission to go since I'm the man of this house and in charge?"

Mama Spatula: *comes around corner JUST IN TIME* "What did you just say?"

Daddy Spatula: "Honey! I was just asking what time you'd like to leave to go to Dairy Queen?!"

And that's how we do it in the Spatula house. The only person less in charge than my dad is...well...no one. Even Molly the Satanic Dog gets a vote.

C'mon! Give Uncle Scrotor a hug! *

So, Tookie's last message was apparently:

“Teach them how to avoid our destructive footsteps. Teach them to strive for higher education. Teach them to promote peace and teach them to focus on rebuilding the neighborhoods that you, others and I helped to destroy.”

And yet, Snoop Dogg spoke at his funeral and was one of the leading celebrities fighting the "no death penalty for Tookie" fight. Snoop Dogg...famous misogynist, porn star, gang member, criminal, and druggie. Snoop Dogg, antithesis to all that is peaceful, educational, and positive.

While on death row, Williams wrote children’s books warning against gang life. Those efforts attracted supporters who lobbied for clemency, arguing Williams had redeemed himself.

And yet:

Several dozen gang members wearing blue attire associated with Crips gangs watched the funeral in the parking lot. One who identified himself as “Killowatt the Third,” age 33, estimated there were 20 to 30 Crips-affiliated gangs there to honor Williams.

“That’s my role model, man. That’s the CEO of the Crips,” he said.

Honestly, a role model? I'm not here to talk about the death penalty, I'm just here to point out that this story is weird. And that if I was a gang member I would not be named Killowatt. And there's this too...

Keelonnie Roberts, 23, of Torrance, said her father was a Crip who used to tell her tales of gang life. Although Roberts never met Williams, she said, “He seemed like a sweet man to me.”

Yup, nothing sweeter than a murderer and gang banger. Except maybe telling your small daughter tales of your life as a Crip. That's pretty sweet.

In other news, it's been raining for four straight days here. I have resorted to wearing the world's largest blue tarp-like poncho everywhere and just carrying on as normal. Today I went for a hike in the mountains, and I went shopping. I look like a walking pup tent, but whatever. I'm seriously considering building an ark, and then, instead of animals, I'll fill it with two of all of my favorite beers. And maybe a cabana boy. Or two.

*This title has nothing to do with anything. I recently rewatched MST3000 The Movie for the twenty-millionth time, so all the lines are still stuck in my head. And honestly, I really want to meet someone I can call Uncle Scrotor. Because that's damn funny.

The winter blahs...

I've been busy working my poor little fingers to the bone helping my mom do all kinds of stuff around the house that she normally can't do...like scrub the laundry room floor on my hands and knees. It's been REAL fun. No, seriously. Yesterday I spent several hours cleaning and organizing her craft/painting room with her...oh my GOD, it was awful. I can't believe that she claims not to know where my packrat tendencies come from.

Anyway, I don't have much to write about today since I'm sure that none of you care how much I had to scrub the grout around Molly the Satanic Dog's waterbowl to get it sparkling white again, or how awful it was to be forced to go with my dad to Wal-Mart during the Christmas season so he could look at something (he can't go alone...he'd probably either die or kill someone).

The one great thing about my parent's house (well, technically, one of the MANY great things) is the jacuzzi tub...so I think I'm going to go indulge in a bubble bath and relax. Soon I have to tackle the file transfer from my old laptop to my new one...but not until I'm feeling less tense.

Well then.

I guess not everyone liked the Hearsay Video. To each his own I guess.

You shouldn't have. No really.

Guess what I'm getting for Christmas?

My THIRD invitation to sit down and chat with the FBI regarding my ex. Apparently this is going to be the gift that just keeps giving. Awesome.

I thought it was especially nice of them to tell me that, in deference to the fact that I'm out of town for the holiday, they will be happy to ask me their questions over the phone and not have me come down to the office...again...for the third time. There's nothing I want more than to either (a) explain to my parents that I have to answer more questions and get them all upset a few days before Christmas, or (b) try to hold a secret conversation in a house that, for all intents and purposes, might as well not have doors.

Guess I know who I'll be calling first thing tomorrow...probably from a closet, or the shed out back or something. This is seriously starting to get old.

UPDATE: I spoke with my favorite neighborhood FBI agent this morning (is it bad that we're actually becoming friendly? "Hey E. Spat! How's law school? How's the job hunt?"). I had to tell my parents because it's very difficult to keep a secret in this house...the only reason I can keep the blog secret is that my parents think I keep in touch via email with like 10,000 of my closest friends and that's why I'm always typing away. Anyway, that's done for now...if anything develops in the case that I can (or want to) write about, I'll put up a post about it at that time.

Hey, is what I'm eating tuna or chicken?

Something about the metric system on TV....

Mama Spatula: "The metric system is stupid. Everyone should just not use it, it's too hard."

Me: "What, like the whole rest of the planet should just quit using it?"

Mama Spatula: "Well, they don't use it in England!"

Me: "You don't think?"

Mama Spatula: "No! They don't use it in England OR in Britain!"

Daddy Spatula: "Well, I guess it WOULD be hard for England and Britain to use different systems..." *smirk smirk smirk*

Mama Spatula: "Why are you laughing? What did I say? I happen to know that neither England nor Britain uses the metric system!"

Me: "Well, I think they both do, and I think, technically, they are actually the same country...so...."

Mama Spatula: "NO! No they're not!"

Daddy Spatula: "Um...."

Mama Spatula: "Well, they didn't used to be the same country. I read historical romances...I know these things. They might be the same now, but it probably just changed."

Yeah, what she said.

Usually I have lots of stuff percolating around in my head, and often I cannot or will not find a way to articulate those thoughts into something coherent enough to post here. Many time, unfortunately for my readers, I still try to write something and it's just a big old mess. Well, I knew if I waited long enough, someone who is way more brilliant, and who is a much better writer than myself would say exactly what I've been meaning. Exactly.

Best Of...

I miss the "Weekly Law School Roundup" over at Notes from the (Legal) Underground. I know that some people are doing this Blawg Review thing...but (and not to hurt anyone's feelings) I don't really understand how it works, I've only been mentioned in it once (this shows great taste on the part of the editors, but I am slightly bitter), and it seems to mostly include posts from the more "serious" blawgs. Does Instapundit really need any more publicity? Is there really no one who reads/appreciates the more humorous legal blogs (and I won't name names, but I mean blogs that are ACTUALLY humorous rather than those that are famously funny and so we should all think they're funny but really they're not)?

I appreciate how much work those Blawg Reviews must take to put together, they just rarely include the blogs that I actually read because I guess I don't generally read blogs for anything but fun and perhaps a little bit of voyeurism. I get involved with the bloggers whose work I read and care about their lives and that leads me to certain distinct types of blogs...namely, not so much the political/only legal shop talk types.

I know that most of what I just said is a gross overgeneralization. I know that I have failed to participate and so it's probably my own fault. And, I know that my taste in blawgs/blogs is very much in the same vein as the type of blog I run...but even so, where are the funny blogs? Where are the people who I read all the time and think are amusing? Where are the blogs from law students who are making their way through this experience with their sense of humor firmly intact??

What I appreciated about the Weekly Roundup was that it helped me get some readers and links as a brand new law school blogger, it led me to lots of other great law school bloggers, and usually it showcased only law students...law students who were writing something that I nearly always found interesting or entertaining.

I would like to resurrect it. I know AmbImb tried to take it on for awhile, and I think I was actually supposed to help out with that endeavour over at Blawg Wisdom, but I was probably flaky and he is an incredibly busy person who is already doing amazing things both at his own blog and other places. My only real fear is that I will end up linking to the same people who I think are amusing and interesting week after week and therefore not accomplish the exact things that I found so fantastic about the original.

Would you guys, readers and other bloggers alike, help out by submitting things that you think should be included so that I could put something together on a weekly or biweekly basis? Is this a stupid idea? Am I feeling the loss of something that other people don't care about?

I don't think it necessarily HAS to be restricted to law students, but I think it should be mainly law student centered. I don't think it HAS to be only funny people, but I like to read lighthearted fare, and I sense that the more serious topics and posts are being covered in other places. You don't HAVE to help out, especially if you think this idea sucks, but I probably won't do it if I don't have at least a few people willing to pop me an email when they see something good that I might not run into on my own (here's a hint...I rarely, if ever, venture past my own blog roll).

Anyway, let me know.

All I want for Christmas...

If anyone is still struggling with what to get me for Christmas...I bring to you...

The Keychain FlaskLet's go ahead and cut out the mind-numbing bar hopping middleman and just let me drink in peace right behind my own wheel.

NO TOUCHING!

Oh my GOD. My mom and I decided to go to the mall today because it might snow tonight and it's about 35 miles away through the mountains. And, when I say "the mall," I mean, "an 'As Seen On TV' store, a Payless Shoe Source, a Mervyn's, and a Radio Shack, all enclosed in a building with a Great Wall of China Buffett and a pet store."

Anyhow, I seriously hate Christmas shopping! How did I ever stand doing it before Amazon.com started rocking my world? The people! They touch, and push, and shove, and worst of all, they talk to you! At least four or five different people started trying to tell me some stupid story or wanted to ask my opinion about something and the whole time I'm just trying to give them my go-away face and shrink further into my fleece. GACK! I hate the mall! The only thing worse than the mall was Costco. Then it was just a huge building full of pushy horrible people and screaming kids and slow-ass old people. I seriously have to go lie down and try to recuperate from the trauma.

I did find the one thing I wanted for my mom, which is an ambient DVD she can play in the new and improved Gigantor TV that shows peaceful aquarium scenes. She loves that stuff.

I have to go shovel some cookies down my gullet and think of all the reasons why I will never take internet shopping for granted again. *shudder*

I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.

The new TV arrived today and it is un-f*#@ing-believable. It's EXACTLY like being in a theater. It has lots of HD channels and it's all just SO cool!

The only bad/funny part was the two dudes who delivered it all and set it up. The smart one only had about four teeth so you couldn't understand half of what he said, and the dumb one was a grunter and talked constantly. He would move something small, like the DVD player (which is about a half an inch high and weighs about .0003 lbs) and grunt like an elephant in heat (OK, I'm making that up, I have NO idea if elephants in heat grunt...but I bet they do). It was totally ridiculous.

I also went Christmas shopping today. Not sure about my mom yet but my dad got a Weather Channel home weather station...all the junk outside the measures the weather is wireless and it all transmits into a receiver in the house that's all fancy and stuff. Considering that he would actually watch The Weather Channel twenty-four hours a day if my mom would let him, and his current outdoor thermometer is a crappy plastic dial (and he uses it every day to decide on his bike rides and stuff), I think he'll like it. Now I just have to figure out what to get my mom. I'm going to the mall on Sunday...God help me.

No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl.

The annual Spatula Holiday Festival'O'Cookies went off last night without a hitch. Well, except I was asked twice when I would start popping out some grandkids (since it's Christmas I refrained from my usual retort which involves a story about a bottle of tequila and a couple stanzas of "What Would You Do With A Drunken Sailor"), and I actually had this conversation so many times that I couldn't count if I wanted to. I am trying to think of some good specialties I can name when people inevitably ask me what type of law I'm going to specialize in. I'm considering going with "Pirate and Wench Law." What would probably be funnier would be "The Law of Forcing Private Golf Clubs to go Public." That would really freak my parent's friends out...not because they're racists or anything terrible like that, but because, and I swear to God this is true, they don't like sharing the golf club with people who "wear jean shorts." So there you go.

Tomorrow my parents are having their "Christmas present to the house" delivered. Swear to God. It's a 60-inch HD blah blah blah super fancy TV. With all the stuff that goes with it, including video Ipods and a new computer system so that all the stuff will be wired together and the whole house will be like this gigantic entertainment center. On a happy note, this also includes a new Playstation (whenever the new ones come out, a few months from now I think), so that means I'm getting the X-box AND all the games. SCORE! I can't believe Mama Spatula is going to give up Halo, but apparently it's true. I can't wait to play Tiger Woods Golf on the new TV tomorrow, it's going to be super-fantastic. This is one damn lucky house to be getting such good presents, I'll tell you what. The only pisser is that the TV they got rid of (gigantic and very fabulous in its own right) they sold because they "didn't think it would be easy enough to get it to the TVPNM" for me. DAMNIT. I could have had an awesome freaking TV but instead some redneck bought it to PUT IN HIS TRAILER. I kid you not.

Anyway, I have an appointment for a bike ride with Daddy Spatula that I probably ought to keep.

PS: I've been totally playing with my new laptop -- it's SO AWESOME. I am going to be the best Bejeweled player blogger internet shopper law student ever with my new machine. Sweet.

Math sux.

Today on the radio:

Female Broadcaster: "Wow, it's terrible how expensive natural gas is and how everyone is getting their bills and they're just so high!"

Male Broadcaster: "I KNOW! I just got mine yesterday and I couldn't believe it."

FB: "How bad was it? Ten percent higher? Twenty??"

MB: "It was SO much worse!! It was DOUBLE what it was last year at this time!"

FB: "Wow!! Fifty percent?!?! That's CRAZY!"

I'm no math genius, but....

In other news, tonight is the annual Spatula family holiday party which I haven't been able to attend since my parents have been in this house because I've always been in the middle of finals. I spent the day doing housework, stringing lights, and frosting cookies (as well as dealing with The Terrible Catastrophic Deviled Egg Incident of '05 -- but we'll get to that later), so I'm totally exhausted and the nearly 30 guests don't even get here for an hour. Geez. Hopefully it will be fun...at least I know I'll be eating well.

That's it for now. Hopefully I'll survive a bunch of neighborhood women all dressed up in hideous Christmas sweaters asking me when I'm going to get married and give my mom a grandkid. Sigh.

Yup, I'm home.

Some of you who are regular readers know that Mama Spatula is pretty much famous for her...uh...interesting way of phrasing things sometimes.

Well, tonight was no exception. My parents are HUGE FANS of Big Break, this show on The Golf Channel where people golf to win prizes (or something along those lines). So, anyway, they follow it the same way other people follow Days of Our Lives or Melrose Place.

Tonight we're sitting in the living room watching it and here's what Mama Spatula said in response to one of the contestants hitting a putt that just went around the lip of the cup and failed to go in.

"Well, geez...why don't you learn how to make your putts...Mr...Mr...Mr. RIM JOB."

That would be why I'm in here laughing my ass off...so I don't have to explain.

150,000 visitors...and only 137,532 were searching for a picture of Josh Holloway from Lost.

I was scrolling down through my posts looking for something, and when I got to the end where the sitecounter is, I realized I'm going to hit 150,000 visitors probably tomorrow or maybe late tonight. That's freaking CRAZY! If I can figure out who is the 150,000th visitor, I'll have to give them a shout-out (don't hold your breath though since I think we all know how technologically idiotic I am).

Damn though. When I started this blog I used to get like 6 visitors a day for the longest time, and I would get SO EXCITED if I had anything in the double digits! I never thought anyone but my friends would read it, and instead I've made a lot of new friends (plus some of the original readers are still around in one capacity or another...yay!). This is so cool...when I think of all the times I almost quit...I'm glad I didn't. I love the interactions with all of you, and I love that I have a written record of most of my law school experience, the ups AND downs. I have never been able to stick with a written journal, so this has been a great experience for me, this crazy blogging thing.

Since I won't be around tomorrow, THANKS! Thank you for coming back, thank you for coming at all, thank you for your feedback and suggestions and your emails and comments. Like most bloggers, I'm probably a narcissist at heart, but I still can't believe people come here to read about my boring life although I'm so grateful they do (we can debate WHY I feel the need to broadcast my entire life for the enjoyment/entertainment/pity of others at a later date...perhaps after exams).

Anyway, thanks!

UPDATE: It's 7:44pm here on the west coast, and we're 81 people away from visitor number 150,00. This is SUCH a great excuse not to work on my Crim Pro outline for the exam I have tomorrow morning at 8:30 am, and I still have to pack, pack up the car, straighten the house a bit (I gave my friend keys to stay here while I'm gone for a night or two...long story), and still get up early to pick up Guac Kid, get my Super Big Gulp, and then meet another friend for breakfast. Multi-tasking is FUN! It's Visitor-Watch 2005 (cue horrible TV news music that they play for every natural disaster, no matter how minor).

Crunch time

I mean, really...haven't we ALL driven four miles in our brand new car with the emergency brake on? Yeah, I thought so.

I'm off to try to figure out Amendments Four through Six.

Do not shake - contents under pressure.

Do you ever get out of the shower and realize you didn't rinse the conditioner out of your hair? Oh yeah, me neither.

Also, why oh why can't I get motivated to study for this stupid exam? I swear, it's like I just don't care if I pass or fail...hey...wait a minute....

No really, I only have one exam so I basically waited until today to start "really" studying because I work best under pressure. The problem is, I'm not feeling any pressure because I just don't care anymore (B, B+, A-...it's all kind of the same these days -- a concept I like to think of as "Not Top 10% So It Doesn't Matter To Anyone, Ever, At All, In Any Way"). Thus, my plan has backfired. Also, for an open book Crim Pro exam where he does the same format every year, it's hard to get too bent out of shape...I mean, it's not really that difficult -- it's not Fed Courts, that's for sure.

So, I'm going to try to put in a couple of more diligent hours tonight. Tomorrow I have to go get one of those FM transmitter thingies that will let me play my Ipod in the car since there is no CD player and it's a long drive home through the mountains with spotty radio stations. And at some point I have to get one of those long-lasting food tablet things to throw in the Beefster's tank when I leave so hopefully he won't die over Christmas. Also, my Legal Research prof said our final memo is graded and we can pick that up tomorrow as well, so I will definitely be doing that as I'm dying to know how I did (moderately bad? totally bad? kinda bad?).

The one and only exam is on Tuesday morning at 8:30, and then I'm leaving straight from there to drive home...my mom's big annual Holiday Block Party is Wednesday night and she has STRONGLY HINTED how great it would be if I was there to help get that ready. That means I also have to pack up the car tomorrow too...perhaps I SHOULD have done a little more today! Oh well. The good news is that, as always, the curve is on my side and the wind is at my back, or whatever.

Ooooohhh...another contest!

Blondie wonders if she can guess what CD's I've been listening to while I study...and it's funny because I had dinner tonight with The Guacamole Kid and I was totally trying to analyze what kind of movies he would like and I was DEAD WRONG. I also went on a date this summer with a guy who I tried to guess what kind of car his non-official work vehicle was and I was DEAD WRONG. In fact, I think he was semi-offended at the horrible choices I came up with (An IMPALA? You think I drive an IMPALA?).

Anyway, who wants to guess what CD's I'm listening to? No one? C'mon, play along...it'll be fun and there will be...uh...prizes! Hell yeah...prizes! You might be asking yourself, "Ooooh, what kind of prizes?" Well, SHUT UP! Quit asking stupid questions and start guessing. There are 7 CD's in my player and most of them I have talked about in one form or another on this blog before. Get to it.

Who needs sleep? NOT ME!

I finally fell asleep last night (or rather this morning) around 4am. Needless to say, I feel pretty effing awesome this morning. I took the car down to the local not-really-authentic-at-all bagel shop though and had a big breakfast, and I picked up my Super Big Gulp Diet Coke on the way home, so at least I have carbs and caffeine...two of the primary building blocks of the whole exam preparation process.

When I leave on Tuesday to go home, I'm taking all of my old books that I don't want anymore so that my mom can get credit for them at the used bookstore she frequents. I think with this pile she'll be knee-deep in bodice rippers for AT LEAST a week...maybe longer if she quits going through four a day.

Also, please notice all that yarn in my sewing basket...that should prove to my friends that I had high hopes of making each and every one of you a beautiful handmade holiday gift...but like a lot of things in my life lately, it just hasn't happened the way I would have hoped. Maybe you'll all get beautiful scarves sometime in June.

But me, I just want to live happily ever after...Every now and then.

You know what I love most about insomnia?

The way it gives you all that extra time you normally wouldn't have to think about all your failures in life. I'll admit, it's a bit of a chicken/egg type problem...like, do I lay awake because I'm thinking about all the bad stuff, or do I have extra time to think about the bad stuff because I just can't sleep? I guess the good news is I am apparently going to have plenty of time to ponder it tonight...God knows if I figure it out you people will be the first to know. Not that I don't have any friends in the real world. Great, that's another two hours I'm not gonna be able to sleep trying to decide if I have any friends. Fabulous.

On the up-side, I have a nice rack.

If you look closer, it's easy to trace...the tracks of my tears.

You know how no good deed goes unpunished? Well, today I checked the mail which I try to do every day because my mail lady hates it when people let their boxes get full and she can't get any mail in, and guess what?

NO GUESS!

I got...

NOT ONE

NOT TWO

BUT THREE effing rejection letters, including one for the job in D.C. that I paid last minute airfare to go to a second interview at.

The next person that tells me that "with all my experience" and my "great personality" I should "have no problem getting a job" is going to get stabbed right in the eye.

If I Had a Million Dollars...

I'm listening to The Barenaked Ladies while I study, and remembering the very first time I ever heard them. It's not that interesting of a story, so I'll spare you...but my roommate during my freshman year of college (back in The Day) introduced me to them. In return I gave her Danzig, Nitzer Ebb, NiN, and Meat Beat Manifesto. Fair trade? Probably not.

Anyhoo, I was listening to that song "If I Had a Million Dollars" and thinking about what I'd do if I had a million dollars. And then I thought, we should have a contest! Well, not a contest, but everyone should leave their idea in the comments about what they'd do if they had a million dollars...for those people that lurk, this is the perfect opportunity to leave a comment and entertain me as I try to learn the vagaries of Miranda and its progeny.

If I had a million dollars I would buy Mike Rowe. I would go to every Jimmy Buffett concert for a year. I would fund a no-kill animal shelter for a year. I would also buy some big, fat, diamond-y jewelry, a bedazzler, a new bedspread, a dog, a pink sweater for the dog, my very own fountain drink machine full of Diet Coke, LQ's services as my dealer personal cupcake chef, and a round-the-world trip with M. where she would be all worldly and sophisticated and adventurous and I would spend the majority of the time holed up in hotel rooms refusing to eat the local food and trying to find a channel with American shows. I would drop out of law school, pay off my student loans, and learn to blow glass...I would be the world's foremost maker of all things sparkly and useless.

What would you do?

OMG, have some pride!

Dear You Know Who You Are (well, maybe not since you don't read this blog...that I know of),

You should be so ashamed of yourself. I'm serious. After the way you acted I can't believe that you have the balls to send me an email trying to get a piece of ass...especially when you couldn't get one back when I didn't think you were a total douchebag. I only wish we had some friends in common so I could forward your email to everyone we know. You suck, and, by the way, I am soooooo laughing AT you.

Sincerely,

E. Spat.

P.S. Remember how I told you that I didn't think the shots of Rumplemintz made you less of a man? I lied.

What I'm doing instead of studying.*

This says "Jesus Loves You...but not in that way. Pervert." BAHAHAHAHA... I'm seriously considering getting this and wearing it ALL THE TIME until I meet someone. Not that I'm desperate. Shut up.

Oh God, this one is funny. I always thought rumspringa was kind of a bizarre idea...the t-shirt is awesome though.

*As usual, click on the image for the link.

When you're dead lie down.

I decided that my life would be a lot better if I stayed home and did my studying here rather than at school. When I'm at school I end up eating every meal out, stuffing candy down my throat all day, and spending most of my time IM'ing or surfing the internets. So, if I stay home I'll definitely eat better, I'll go to the gym each day, and I can IM and surf the 'net from the comfort of my own couch. What could be better? Right now I'm multi-tasking by waiting for my laundry to get done, catching up on my blog reading (as if I ever really get behind), paying bills, and listening to Christmas music. Once I have some clean clothes I'm going to go to the gym and get that out of the way, then go to 7-11 for my Super Big Gulp, and then, and only then, will I be able to sit down and get into the complexities of the 4th, 5th, and 6th Amendments. Until 3:00, because that's when Dr. Phil comes on.

Cowboys in love.

I don't normally give too much thought to boys kissing. To be totally honest, I don't think too much about anyone kissing, unless they're kissing me, and let's face it...my life just isn't that exciting lately. And sometimes I think about kissing Mike Rowe, but I'm not sure my stalkerish fantasies count.

So anyway, I watched this special on VH1 about the making of Brokeback Mountain, which, if you've been living on Mars or something, is a story about two men who fall in love. Those men are played by Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. I have loved Jake since The Good Girl, where I totally thought he was brilliant. I've never had much of an opinion about Heath, but my mom really loved him in that movie where he played a knight or whatever. Maybe a singing knight? I can't remember.

Anyway...back to boys kissing. So, during the special they made a real big deal about all the love scenes in the movie, and how "everyone's talking" about them and how "authentic" they are. Well, duh! I mean, it's a love story, right? So, shouldn't there be a love scene or five? But despite all that, I was a little worried that the scenes would be stupid or awkward or somehow designed for a cheap thrill or even worse, glossed over and not dealt with in a deep or meaningful way. And, I haven't seen the movie yet obviously, but from the footage they showed on the special, it seems like both the love story and the physical relationship between the men is really treated beautifully and honestly. I am excited to see it...but I think I'll wait until after exams because it seems like it could be really emotionally draining and will probably make me cry and think about my own lack of true love and whatnot which will in turn cause me to write really maudlin blog posts that will make you all send me emails telling me to cheer up and keep on truckin'. I don't know why I felt the need to write this. Maybe exams are affecting my mind.

At least now I know why I can't find a job.

Oh man, I was led to this article by a link at JD2B today and I felt like I had hit the motherlode -- there's so much in here that I can snarkily tear apart, I almost don't know where to start. If I was a lion this article would be a geriatric zebra with three legs, cataracts, and a faulty sense of direction. And also deaf. No offense to the author...he's allowed to have his opinion...and God Bless America, so am I.

Resolving a Catch-22

After graduation from law school, the Harvard or Yale graduate will have an easy time finding a job because most of the top firms around the nation will come to him/her. But what of the other law school students? Looooooosers! Yeah, I'm looking at you Stanford. For those students, finding a job can be tough, (now you're singing my song) especially because the reputation of the law school one graduated from carries a lot of weight. So, you're saying that my JD from the Robert E. Lee Night School of Law and Pager Repair isn't going to get me a job at a Big Firm? DAMNIT! Why didn't someone tell me to go to Yale before? Shit! Well, this was the only place I could specialize in the International Law of Bejeweled, so I guess I can't really say I regret my choice. From now on I propose that we refer to Harvard and Yale as First Tier Plus and all other schools as First Tier Lite.

The current job market is a catch-22. On one hand, firms would like to hire candidates who have job experience. What? Like being a military officer? And working full-time to put myself through college at night? Huh. I must be applying at the wrong places. However, giving recent graduates without job experience a chance is the one thing that most firms are not willing to do. (Isn't it customary when starting the first part of a comparison with "on one hand" to start the second part with "and on the other hand?") The solution is planning ahead by finding jobs, internships, or externships at law firms or corporate legal departments. This can be done during law school or summer breaks, and law firms are always more than happy to obtain volunteers. What if I don't want to work at a firm? Oh right, shut up. Got it. Also, volunteers my ass...I think they're called "subjects."

Judicial clerkships are also instrumental in providing the legal experience needed to get a job after law school because much of the work will be trial-related and the positions are highly competitive. Legal experience doesn't count unless the process through which it is obtained is highly competitive. Let me write that down. Also, no offense to people doing clerkships because I myself applied to a couple and think they can be really wonderful opportunities, but is a clerkship honestly "instrumental" in getting legal experience? I think that might be overstating it just a tad considering how many practicing attorneys out there didn't do a clerkship and seem to be muddling through just fine.

Alternatives to obtaining internships, externships, or judicial clerkships can be participation in moot court, legal clinics, or law review. Awards for the highest grade in the class or competitions are also beneficial. Well, over here at First Tier Lite, they don't give us awards or grades. They just hand out copies of the Harvard and Yale job placement statistics, along with a box of Kleenex and a razor blade.

In each case, it demonstrates to a potential employer that the candidate is a capable individual who strives to provide the best work product. Nevertheless, these alternatives are not as impressive as a combination of work experience and law school activities. OK, highest grade in the class = providing the best work product. Well, I might be a big ole dummy, in fact, it's almost certain, but I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit on that one. I provide one mean work product and I've only received the highest grade in one law school class thus far. Well, there was that Text Twist for Dummies class...I totally DOMINATED that...but that probably doesn't "count" because it's an "internet" "game" and not "academic" or "legal." Whatever.

So what type of experience is good? Almost any experience, short of being relegated to secretarial work, is good experience. If more people had been secretaries, less people would be total dicks to work with...that's the truth from a girl who worked her way through college as a secretary. Even if one were merely researching and writing motions and memoranda all day, the experience is helpful because it is still a part of law practice. Merely?? A *PART* of law practice?? Isn't researching and writing pretty much the bread and butter of most legal jobs?? Did I miss some other part of law school where they teach the secret class of the things you REALLY need to know to practice law? Things like Brainwashing Your Minions 101, and Seminar On Waxing The Partner's Car?

Most law firms will not expect recent graduates to have conducted trials. Well thank God for small favors! How would I fit a trial in, what with Law Review, Moot Court, Judicial Clerkships and Making The Highest Grades In Every Class sucking up all my free time?! I barely have time to watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition anymore! However, internships with district attorney's offices, public defenders, or law school legal clinics may provide opportunities for law school students to demonstrate their oral-advocacy skills in trials. In the end, how much experience is enough to get a job will depend on what the firm is looking for and how well one can market him/herself in a resume and cover letter and in an interview. And pole-dancing skills. Let's not forget those. I always like to bring my own portable pole and then do a dance right with the resume clenched between my teeth. Finding a tear-away suit was a bitch though, Im not gonna lie. But some experience is better than no experience at all, because one still must compete with one's peers after graduation; and in that battle, the more experience one has, the better off one is. Oh God, if one is still reading this article after one gets past the horror of realizing one is never going to get the job that one might want, one might want to go straight to the nearest bar and have oneself a few drinks to take the edge off while one thinks about what life will be like as an abject failure knowing that one's only hopes for long-term employment are researching and writing skills, a cursory knowledge of the law, and a poorly written anonymous blog.

I guess I should apologize in advance to the author of this article. Because, knowing how blogs work, someone probably knows this guy and is going to email him this post and he'll either be all hurt that I poked fun or he'll send me an email telling me what a heinous bitch I am...or even worse, he's the nicest guy in the world and I made fun of his article and he probably spends his free time reuniting orphans with their long lost pet chipmunks or some shit like that. Oh well, if that happens, I'd like to state ahead of time that I realize that the article is meant to be read one way, and I'm reading it in a way that suits my purposes, which is probably unfair and evil, but, well, that's free speech. And also, it's exam week and I'm tired and cranky and this article for some reason really got me all fired up. Only God knows how these things work...it's not for me to ask "why?"

Um. OK. Good to know.

Academic Services will be open slightly shorter hours on Friday, 12/9.

We will be open 8:00am to 4:02pm.

-- Academic Services

Well, isn't that special.

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is in the hospital. The only reason this story is even remotely interesting is that I have spent the last ten or fifteen years totally thinking she was already dead.

Eh?

This is funny. To me. If you don't think it's funny that's fine...we just won't be able to be friends. But whatever.
(Click on picture to take you to the site where you can buy the t-shirt)

No more teachers, no more books...well, until January.

Today was my last day of my last first quarter of a law school year. Two quarters to go. Somehow with all the people taking finals who are now half done, it seems not that satisfying to say, "Oh, I'm one third done." Oh well.

I am now through with classes so it's time to move fully into study mode. Tomorrow. Today I am getting organized, figuring out when I'm going to fit in some gym time in the upcoming days, and tying up some administrative loose ends. Starting tomorrow I will be sitting on my ass in the library for like 12 hours, trying desperately to fill my brain with criminal procedure...awesome.

Ben, Jerry and Me...it's the perfect storm.

Of late I have been really eating healthfully, and exercising regularly...and I look and feel so much better that most of the time I don't really feel like my life has changed too much or like I'm missing anything. And then, today happened. In a fit of hormone and exam-studying induced pie-hole-stuffing gluttony, I shoveled down about 20,000,000 calories worth of absolute CRAP in just one short day. McMexican? Yup. Ben and Jerry's? Yup. Easy Mac? Oh hell yes. I swear to God, I feel like I'm going to die and I didn't even really enjoy any of it. Worse yet, I feel even MORE terrible because I haven't really been eating like this lately, and my body is like "Holy shit, what are you trying to do to me you big dumb whore?"

The only solution is to sit and watch My Name is Earl and The Office while holding my belly and moaning and promising God that I won't do this again until next time I forget how horrible it makes me feel...which is usually also what I promise after a good hard night of drinking cheap vodka when I wake up looking like a crackwhore and feeling like I got hit by a Mack Truck. Why is it that the more I drink the more black eyeliner and red lipstick I feel compelled to put on? Also, seriously, liquid glitter eyeliner is not for drunk girls. NO, it does not make you look more "sultry," unless by "sultry" you mean "like a really, really drunk hooker."

Anyhoo, back to the subject. I feel like poo...and it's totally my own fault. Thank goodness I finished my final Legal Research assignment earlier this afternoon...my poor bloated fingers can barely grasp the remote.

I'm not saying someone's going to die. But, someone's going to die.

Seriously though. What the fuck did I ever do to deserve being stuck YET A-FUCKING-GAIN in the office with Slurpy McSouperson? I swear to God, if this kid doesn't either find some other food to eat or find a new place to study, he's going to have to die, and that's all there is to it. Also, it's 4pm, why is he eating soup anyway? Can't he wait until dinner and go somewhere else? Or eat it at lunch like the rest of the world? Oh, I see how it is Mr. I Want To Eat My Soup In Between Lunch And Dinner Because That's When I'm Hungry! You just have to be different, is that it?? Well, go away you big soup-slurping asshole! Also, I don't know what kind of soup it is, but it smells real bad and so at least maybe he'll get a stomachache or something...if there's any justice in the world he'll be curled up on his bathroom floor for the rest of the night cursing the day he ever discovered his unadulterated love for soup.

Why am I the only one that has that dream?

I didn't sleep well last night because I had a recurring dream that I was in the passenger seat of a car being driven off a cliff. Every single time I would tell the driver "NO! Don't drive through the back of that building!!!" (we were driving through a building for some reason...maybe we had just robbed a bank), and he/she/it would shift up and go faster until our entire car would fly through the back wall of this building and plunge off a cliff hundreds of feet into a rocky ravine. If I had to guess, the name of the ravine is probably something like "Crim Pro Exam Not Gonna Pass," or "Failure Gulch" or "Shitty Law Student Valley."

Anyway, today I'm tired. I did drive to school and stop on the way for a Super Big Gulp, so at least that will keep me awake for awhile. Now I have to go back up all my stuff on my hard drive because my computer is giving me signals that it might die at any time...and I don't get the new laptop until next week.

Fun for you and your friends!

I wanted to take a quick minute out of my evening to thank Kamisar, LaFave, Israel and King. Although I have never met any of these people, they have produced what I think might be the single most effective sleep-aid ever to be introduced to the free world. Normally I lay awake at night, all sorts of thoughts and ideas running through my head, forcing me to finally give up on sleep and read filthy romance novels The Bible. But, now that I've found the KLIK (ooh, a good acronym even) Method, sleep is a breeze! If you follow the KLIK Method, you too could be on your way to instantaneous slumber, no matter where, when, or how many hours away from a final you are!

First, get settled in your preferred reading place. It you like studying on a nice cushy couch covered in your favorite down comforter, great! But, if you would rather be suspended upside down by one ankle over a pit filled with venomous sea snakes while a cannibal who looks suspiciously like Kevin "What Happened To My Ferrari" Federline pokes at you with the pointy end of a white hot iron rod...well, that's OK too. Either way, with the KLIK Method, you're goin' to sleep!

Second, organize all your study materials very carefully. Highlighters? CHECK! Pen? CHECK! HustlerStudy Aids? CHECK! M&M's? CHECK!! *

Third, once you're ready, open the book to ANY PAGE! That's the beauty of the KLIK Method -- it DOES NOT MATTER what page, chapter, case, or section you focus on! They will all put you to sleep equally well!! No really!

Fourth, you are guaranteed to fall asleep within 2 microseconds of focusing your eyes on any word contained in the book! ANY WORD! Even the publishing information! It Does. Not. Matter.**

So, you see, the KLIK Method has a lot of useful applications and can be applied not just to getting a good night's rest, but to any of your diminished capacity needs.***

*Please be careful when using any sharp object such as a highlighter or pen with the KLIK Method. Sleep onset occurs so rapidly that any objects within a five foot radius of the KLIK Method user could potentially end up imbedded in said user's face, causing unsightly yellow blemishes and permanent indentations and marks.

**Until you know how the KLIK Method will effect you, do not attempt to use it while operating heavy machinery or driving a car. For best results, only use the KLIK Method when you can devote a full 7-10 hours to getting a restful night's sleep.

***Please use as directed and follow manufacturer's directions. The KLIK Method should not be used on others, no matter how much they deserve it. Oh, who am I kidding? Use it on anyone you want, it's a miracle in print!! One page is enough to put even the most irritating gunner into a heavy slumber for up to eight, glorious, peaceful, no hand raised with finger snapping while calling out the holding backwards and in Latin hours.

Monday. Sigh.

Thanks to everyone who left comments and suggestions about new blogs to put on my blogroll...it's always nice to find something new to read around exam time, when I desperately need the diversion. I will probably be updating the roll later this week when I really start to need study breaks, so feel free to keep leaving your comments.

Today was my last day at work. It was sort of bittersweet. I've talked often of how much I really love this job and think it's totally the perfect job for me, but they are a federal agency and just don't have a spot right now, and definitely no funding to create one, so I'm out of luck for now. My boss did tell me about some potential openings that might be possible for me to apply to in the future, but right now the big boss in D.C. is still trying to decide whether to let brand new graduates apply, so that's kind of up in the air. The one really good thing that happened is that my boss out here sent an email to the big boss in D.C. telling him how great I was and that I didn't have a job yet and it would be a shame for the agency to lose me because I have been doing an excellent job. So that was really nice and I definitely appreciated it.

So, even though I'm sad to be done with work, I am VERY happy to be able to concentrate on school and exams with no other distractions, like wearing clean clothes, or washing my hair.

Anyhow, I guess I better get busy with my very exciting night of reading Crim Pro, trying to avoid the TV and internets, and eating really sad and chalky diet ice cream. No, no, no...don't be jealous!

Updating my blog reading list.

Blogging is one of the most prolific time wasters in the entire universe, which of course means that during exam week I'll be doing ten times more blogging than usual. The other night I got to IM'ing with Elle Woods over at Legally Blonde (who by the way, reminds me of a young E. Spat...poor girl), and I realized that although I've read her blog I didn't have a link up to it. I recently did try to go through my blogroll and take out all the blogs that have recently gone the way of the Simpson-Lachey marriage (maybe K-Fed and Whorebag Spears will break up in time for Jessica to snatch him up), but I know there's a few more over there that have died out even in just the past few weeks. MEANWHILE, there are lots of new law student, lawyer, and normal-person/non-lawyer blogs out there that I have yet to discover. So, in the spirit of avoiding studying at all costs, and updating my blogroll, I'm taking suggestions.

Would you like your blog added to the roll?

Would you like your friend's blog added to the roll?

Do you know of a good law-student or lawyer blog I should be reading?

Do you know of a good other-type-person blog I should be reading?

Is there someone so funny you just have to tell the world about them??

Well, leave a comment over the next couple of days, and next time I'm trying to avoid outlining Crim Pro I'll update my blogroll...perhaps I'll even make categories like everyone else has...but that might be pushing it motivation-wise.

The lament of a pool-boy-less girl.

Among the many things that suck about both being single and having exams is that when you are single and exam week comes around, you don't have anyone to rely on to help you get some of the ordinary life stuff done so you can study. Today I woke up pretty early and have already wasted basically the entire morning doing laundry, going grocery shopping, and cleaning up my apartment at least to the point where it's not a biohazard. If I wasn't single I would definitely be forcing my pool boy to do all these things for me while I hit the books. I had high hopes of how I was going to put together some soup or chili or something in the crock pot today so I would have dinner for the next few days, but I just don't have time now. Maybe by this afternoon I can make that into a study break.

Obviously I need to work on my go-away face.

I wish that I was at least a little bit shocked at how effective my time-wasting strategies are as finals loom closer. I am a mere 23 reading assignments behind in Crim Pro and I've made tea (Tazo orange...very good), gone to 7-11 for a Super Big Gulp, made numerous trips to other parts of the school for various things, eaten lunch (Lean Cuisine Spaghetti...pretty decent as far as these things go), etc.... I guess this means exams are really, truly, actually right around the corner. Nothing can get me living in Proscrastination-ville, pop. 1, faster.

I cannot even believe I only have a week to learn Crim Pro...what the hell was I thinking? Why do I always do this to myself? Oh well. What's a girl to do? One and a half weeks. No problem.

In other news, here's another conversation I have at least a few times a week with Random Strangers.

RS: "So, you're in law school?"

Me: "Yup."

RS: "Well, you know how there's a law that says XYZ?"

Me: "OK."

RS: "What would happen if INSERT TOTALLY STUPID HYPOTHETICAL THAT WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPEN HERE?"

Me: "Uh. I don't really know."

RS: "But you're in law school."

Me: "Yes. But I'm not very good at it."

RS: "What specialty are you going into again?"

*see conversation in last night's post for how this ends*

Today a guy at Starbucks who I just ended up talking to for some reason asked me about the new anti-smoking ordinance that apparently just passed here (see how I don't pay attention to this shit because I can't be bothered to watch any news that isn't related to what's on Lost this week?). When I said I had heard of it (hoping it would get him off my back) he goes, "Well, you know how it says you can't smoke within 25 feet of a doorway?" I go "Uh, yeah"...once again, hoping he would just shut up...but, of course, there was no way he was going to give up. So he goes "So, what would happen if, say, I was driving my car and smoking a cigarette and I was stopped at a red light and it just happened to be within 25 feet of a door? Would I get arrested?" I swear to God, what the hell is wrong with people that they ask questions like this to total (or almost total) strangers??? I'm just sitting there trying to read my effing book...go away dude! After I admitted I had no idea, we had to go through the whole thing again only this time it was "What about ladies night? How come that's OK when it clearly discriminates against men?" I go "You know, think of it as equalization for the fact that we're still making less money than men so we need cheaper drinks" (see how I'm kinda trying to be funny but I'm totally irritated?) and he goes "Well, that's because, on average, women work less than men." So, now I'm about to get into a fight with this dude at Starbucks and he's a total caveman...why bother? I pick up my books and start packing up to leave and when I walked out the door he was still babbling to the person next to him. Jesus. I am going to have to start wrapping my books in brown paper bags like in high school so that people will not know what I'm in school for.

It's deja vu all over again.

I have this conversation approximately eleventy billion times a week.

Interested Acquaintance and/or Random Stranger: "So, you're in law school?"

Me: "Yeah."

IA: "What year, what school, etc."

Me: "Name of school, 3L, blah blah blah."

IA: "Well, so, what kind of law do you want to practice?"

Me: "Oh, you know...I've worked at three federal agencies during law school and I am a former military officer, so, I'm sort of hoping to go into something in an agency."

IA: "How come you aren't staying at the place you're working now?"

Me: "They don't actually have any spots open right now, so, unless something comes open there's really no place for me to even apply."

IA: "Are you going to be a prosecutor or defender?"

Me: "Actually, if I go into a federal agency, most jobs aren't what you would traditionally think of as a prosecutor or defender...it's mostly administrative law type things, and I'm applying at firms too...I'm still just a student, I'm more interested in finding a good job that will allow me to learn and grow than in exactly what that job is."

IA: "So, if you go into a firm will you be a prosecutor or a defender?"

Me: "See, that's not really how most legal jobs are set up...you're thinking about TV, like, you know, Law and Order."

IA: "But, you have a specialty in mind right?"

Me: *SIGH* "No, right now I'm just trying to find something."

IA: "With your background I would think you wouldn't have a problem finding a job."

Me: "Yeah, you and me both."

IA: "Are you on...what's that thing...the bar review? No, that's not it, ummmmm...the law review?"

Me: "No."

IA: "Oh, why not? I thought it was something you kind of had to do."

Me: "Yes. Well. I have chosen to spend my time doing some other types of things."

IA: "Why?"

Me: "I don't know, I just have."

IA: "Are you going to go back into the military?"

Me: "No."

IA: "Why?"

Me: "Because I don't want to.

IA: "But why not? I mean, it seems like it would be perfect and you could just go right back since you were already in."

Me: "Actually you can't. You have to apply and meet a selection board like everyone else. And, I just don't want to go back in."

IA: "Well, have you tried applying to INSERT NAME OF EVERY FEDERAL AGENCY HERE?"

Me: "Yes. Most federal agencies have Honors Programs which I have applied to and been summarily rejected from."

IA: "Well, my sister works at INSERT NAME OF FEDERAL AGENCY HERE and she got her job by INSERT VERY LONG ANECDOTE THAT'S TOTALLY INAPPLICABLE TO LEGAL JOBS HERE."

Me: "Actually, federal legal jobs don't really hire that way, but you know...thanks for the tip."

IA: "So, if you're not going to be a prosecutor or defender, what kind of law will you actually practice?"

Me: "Excuse me, I have to go outside and light myself on fire now."

Why didn't I think of this??

Holy crap!

What do you think I could get for a half-empty tube of pink lipgloss (*WITH GLITTER*)?

h/t fark

Thank GOD!

Finally, the perfect stocking stuffer for anyone on your list. Especially this guy.

Well, I guess now we know.

I saw this headline on Yahoo News: Three Private Equity Groups Interested in Knight Ridder.

I read this headline: Three Private Equity Groups Interested in Knight Rider.

I thought this: "God, some dumbass can't even spell Knight Rider, how'd they get to be a journalist and I'm still writing this crappy blog for free?"

Let it snow and all that jazz.

Guess what kids? It's snowing like CRAZY outside. So pretty...and the fact that I've barely slept and am still deliriously trying to figure out citations only adds to mystery and drama of the whole thing. I heart being so tired I can't think straight.