Saturday, November 20, 2004

How to make your day just a little bit worse in thirteen easy steps.

This is a cautionary tale, about a girl who watches too much TV, loves to buy shit she sees advertised on TV, and doesn't think she has to read directions because she's seen the damn commercial for the new and exciting product 500 effing times.

First: Go to store with object of trip being buying cleaning implements to clean bathroom...including new toilet brush because old one was both yucky and icky and needed to be thrown out. Also, because "someone*" used old one to kill a big gross spider in the bathtub and there were creepy legs caught in it. Better to just buy a new one.

Second: Once at store, become enthralled with all manners of new and wonderful cleaning products that have been invented since last purchase of new toilet brush. One of these, the toilet cleaning stick with disposable sponge head thingie, seems particularly enchanting and HOORAY is on sale. Purchase disposable toilet cleaning wand thingie (DTCWT) and a single package containing one (1) toilet bowl tablet thingie (TBTT) for killing germs and whatnot.

Third: Feel superior to all those stupid people cleaning their toilets the old fashioned way. Smirk.

Fourth: Go home. Throw TBTT into toilet tank. Watch water turn blue. Oh shit. Feel concerned that people coming over and using toilet will be disturbed by green water after they pee in it. Decide that most people coming over are drunk and will probably think (a) it's a game, or (b) they are hallucinating. Open DTCWT and attach disposable sponge head thingie (is it immature to ALWAYS laugh when you write the word "head" no matter the context?).

Fifth: Think about woman in DTCWT commercial who happily scrubs toilet, detaches disposable sponge head thingie, and flushes it, all the while feeling enchanted at how delightful her life of scrubbing toilets has become now that she doesn't have to struggle with that complicated and menacing toilet brush. Scrub toilet. Feel kind of happy, but not the same way the lady in the commercial feels. Damnit.

Sixth: Detach disposable sponge head thingie. Feel marginally more happy that it just has to be flushed and then bathroom drudgery is over. Flush. Uh-oh.

Seventh: Watch with increasing dismay as navy blue water rises and rises and then overflows onto pink bathroom rug and shitty linoleum. Dig through the trash in a panic trying to find packaging from DTCWT.

Eighth: Read packaging. Yup, it says disposable. Oh wait, why is that red line through the picture of the toilet. Wonder for a second if I could have gotten this very very wrong. Think about commercial. In commercial woman is disposing of square shaped scrubby head thingie, in toilet is lodged round shaped scrubby head thingie. Huh. Read package more thoroughly. Yes, disposable in the context of this PARTICULAR BRAND of DTCWT means that it may be disposed of in the trash. Oops.

Ninth: Flush toilet again to see if maybe it has moved down and will miraculously fix itself. Rising tide of navy blue water. Damn the TBTT. Put on coat, go back to store for plunger.

Tenth: Stand in hardware aisle of grocery store trying to decide which plunger is "better" and then wonder what plunger quality criteria are. Decide on black one because it looks more badass and stealthy. Walk through store to card aisle and buy birthday card for M., laughing hysterically and holding plunger.

Eleventh: Walk home two blocks holding plunger. Try to look dignified.

Twelfth: Plunge toilet. Flush. Rising navy blue tide. Plunge. Get navy blue droplets of water on every surface of bathroom including white shower curtain and pink hand towels. Decide that at least it's probably antibacterial or something. Pray. Plunge. Flush. Finally disposable spongy thing is gone. Make note to self to (a) read directions BEFORE using next wonderful cleaning implement bought at grocery store on sale, and (b) to try to figure out why women on TV cleaning bathrooms seem so happy.

Thirteenth: Have stiff drink, or ten, at bar with friends. Tell this story about 200 times.

*OK, I admit it, it was me.
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