Monday, November 22, 2004

A few random notes for people who pissed me off today.

Well, since I already pointed out in the last post that I'm grouchy today I thought I would just go ahead and expound on that. After all, this is my blog, right?

1. If a path is wide enough for four people to walk side by side comfortably, the way we usually interpret that here in America is that each direction will get one half of the path, thereby allowing two people to walk side by side in each direction. If you think that just because you are 19 and semi-cute and you're with your three equally braindead and marginally attractive friends that somehow you have the right to walk four across and cause me to have to walk in the mud on the side, you are mistaken. I guess the way I wouldn't move and made you walk around me probably communicated to you how I feel about you and your three idiotic Britney-Spears-only-less-attractive friends hogging up the path, but just in case it didn't, let this public declaration serve as your warning. Stay out of my way. Seriously.

2. If I send out three emails in a row informing all the recipients (a) how I got their names and email addresses, and (b) that all they have to do to get off the list is let me know, then your email to me stating that you "Don't know how you got on my list" and "You would appreciate being taken off immediately" just makes me want to "forget" to do it for about the next six months. But instead I sent you back a snotty response and I feel infinitely better. How about you?

3. If you are a person who I have shown no interest in whatsoever in the past year and a half, and in fact, you see me actively avoiding you on a regular basis, I would appreciate it if you would just leave me alone. For real. Let's NOT get to know each other. I ALREADY know I don't like you. Go away.

4. If it is raining, and I am walking without an umbrella, and you are walking with an umbrella and you are an asshole and your umbrella pokes me at all about my head and neck area, I am going to feel free to throttle you with my bare hands. You may consider yourself warned as well.

5. If you are the seller of any retail product or service and you are rude to me while I am trying to purchase your product or service I am warning you that I am about one bad experience away from coming totally unhinged. That goes double for the car rental people tomorrow. You've even been PRE-warned, so there will be no excuses accepted.

6. They're = they are (See those stupid girls hogging up the path? What's funny is that they're all in college and yet not one of them looks smart enough to breathe on her own.); There = At or in that place (See those girls over there, the ones on the path? They suck and probably all have herpes.); Their = A modifier before a noun (See those girls on the path? Their shiny frosted pink lipstick looks equally horrible on all four of them.).

7. If you are in charge of the law school building, here's a hint: 92 degrees is not an acceptable temperature for a classroom unless that classroom is being used for that crazy hot-room yoga, or that classroom is in Hell. Please fix before I lose my mind (although I did like that we got out of class 20 minutes early...but still).

8. If you are the guy that called my organization's office today and then threatened to call the Dean because YOU had called the wrong number and I didn't know the number you wanted to call, go eff yourself. Seriously. I tried to help you, but when you started yelling, and then explained to me that you weren't yelling, and then yelled some more, you really lost me. Even when I explained that I was a student you still yelled. Here's a newsflash buddy: YOU CAN'T GET ME FIRED BECAUSE THANK GOD I DON'T WORK HERE! Go to hell.

9. If you are an office that I need something from, and you force me to fill out more than one form to get that thing I need, I just want you to know that there is a special place in hell for you. A place where you fill out forms all day and all night and nobody ever helps you and there is no door to escape and the bathroom is not clearly marked and you have to ask for a key anyway only there of course is no one to ask because every single person that works there is on a perpetual lunch break and the one person in the very back cubicle behind a locked window who you KNOW can see you is talking on her cellphone to her friend about her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's brother's cousin's wife and how she's pregnant and isn't sure if the daddy is the manager of the Wal-Mart deli or the Flagger from the local road crew and there's a tiny bell that rings every 19.3 seconds for all of eternity that tolls for the loss of customer service in America and the onslaught of a service industry culture where apparently only morons and degenerates are able to be hired to fill front-end customer interaction positions.

10. I'm going home now. For ice cream. And a beer.

UPDATE: I got home and ordered a pizza. And I live in an apartment where you have to call to get let in. Only I forgot to turn my phone ringer on, so the poor pizza guy stood out there for ten minutes trying to get in touch with me. I gave him a big tip and apologized profusely and didn't slit his throat when he hit on me, so I figure my karmic balance is OK.

UPDATE2: I decided I needed a Diet Coke to go with the pizza (and that I desperately needed some caffeine) so I went to the laundry room and put my money in the machine and I got TWO, count'em TWO, Diet Cokes for the price of one! Finally things are looking up!
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