I can't say I'm missing it Bob.

Dear Readers,

Well guys. As you can tell, I literally have NO time to write these days, and even less to say that I'm willing to write on the internet(s). I don't want to discuss my job, The Boy prefers that I don't discuss him (although we're moving in together in February! YAY!), and my tiny amount of free time every day is not spent on the computer.

This blog was started as a diary of my law school experience, and after having made it through law school, the bar exam, and the start of my first post-law-school job, I feel like it has run its course. So, on that note, I'm done. At least for now.

I will leave up the archives, probably indefinitely, but at least for a good long while. And if I decide to start another blog, more personal to my life now, I will let those of you I've become friends with behind the scenes know.

Thanks to everyone for reading, commenting, emailing me, supporting me, and just being cool as shit (generally). You guys rock, best of luck in your law school experiences and legal careers, and keep in touch.

E. Spat.

Floridays

I'm off to Florida to see M. for Turkey Day. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday with your friends and family. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I intend to reflect upon that this week. In Florida. At a bar on the beach.

Red eye

Not only am I taking a red-eye flight this week to spend Thanksgiving with M., I am currently suffering from a gigantic red eye, courtesy of (I think) a stye. I am using warm compresses to try to make it better, per the advice of WebMd, but so far it's just gross looking. On the upside, I'm meeting The Boy's mom for the first time tonight and I look totally diseased, so that's nice.

I am VERY excited about my trip to Florida next week to see M. I leave on Tuesday after work and come back Saturday night, and frankly I can use the break. I've been SO busy, I barely have time to think, and if I have to leave the state to get some time off, I'm willing to do it.

This week I had six, SIX, work events. Three lunch/afternoon things, and three evening things. Plus a law school friend was in town, so we had dinner on Friday as well. That means that on Friday I had three back to back events to go to. By the time I got done and go to The Boy's house last night I was totally exhausted. I took a shower and fell asleep. Poor guy, he didn't get so much as a "hello."

Let's see...what else is going on.....uh....not much. Fifty billion work events (ie: "marketing") per week, plus trying to meet my billables. Spending time with The Boy. Too tired and busy to do much else, like go to the gym, clean my house, or shop for groceries. I'm starting to definitely feel the pressure of my chosen field. I work with lots and lots of brand new associates, and a few partners, and I honestly think I work just as hard as an associate at any firm, plus I have to market a lot more than any of them do. Good thing I love my job, right?

So, in review, I leave for Florida on Tuesday, get back Saturday night, have three days of work, then leave for San Francisco the following Thursday through Sunday for a work event. I will try to post in between, and maybe I'll even get some pictures up of Florida.

Life happiness = bad blogging

Well, as we've all discovered...the fact that my life is going well (and busy) seems to bad for the blogging business. I honestly blame it on a combination of being happy in my relationship, getting TiVO, and being so busy at work. Mostly TiVO to be honest with you. Holy shit, by the end of the week I have about 30 shows recorded, and then I spend all weekend laying around watching them. Because that's how I roll.

Today The Boy and I are enjoying our Saturday apart, which is nice. I think it's good to keep some personal time to yourself, so that you don't get on each other's nerves. So, what's new?

Last night we saw Borat. Holy shit. So freaking funny. Oh my God. Get thee to a theater immediately and see this movie. It's so politically incorrect, it's awesome. The Boy has a special talent for languages, as I think I've mentioned before, and has been talking like Borat for the past month...he was so excited before the movie, it was like having a 5 year old there. He's been walking around since last night going "Very nice!' I asked him how long this is going to last, and he told me anywhere from 1 week to 15 years, so that seems...uh...ominous. I'm not sure how much I can really take. Good thing he's such a good boy, I'm willing to put up with near constant Borat-isms for at least a little while.

So, today I am making an apple pie, cleaning my house, watching some taped shows, and reading a book...pretty much all at the same time. The other night one of my friends told me that I was the person who had changed the most since we graduated from law school because I'm so different now. I told her that I'm actually the person that has changed the least. If they had known me BEFORE law school, they would know that I was never like that before, and I hope never to be like that again. I am starting to get back into the swing of real life. I like it very much. Next week I'm getting sworn in...if there's any lesson to be had there, it should be that you can have fun in law school, decide not to follow all the lemmings off the stress cliff (as much as possible), and give up on believing grades have anything to do with you as a person, and still pass the bar exam, get a great job, blog all your experiences and make some great friends, and end up being sworn in as a lawyer just like all the people who wasted three years of their lives in abject misery.

Home.

Hello! Well, I made it through my first B&B experience intact, and I had a wonderful weekend. The hot tub was HUGE, although not particularly heart-shaped...well, maybe a little bit. It was awesome! The island we went to (in the San Juans, near Canada) has a lavender farm, so we were able to buy all manner of fresh lavender bath stuff and dump it in the tub. So yummy!

The Boy and I had a very romantic weekend. He's WAY more mushy than me, and I have to admit it's nice to have someone be so enamored of me. We did tons of fun stuff, and probably drank and ate too much, but I got to sleep a LOT and that was so decadent.

OK, so, briefly, the Advantage Rent-A-Car story.

Advantage was apparently bought out by another company. Through a whole series of complaints I made to various people, who shall remain nameless, the COO of this new company heard about me. He call me personally, apologized profusely for my terrible experience, and gave me his cell phone number and told me I could call him anytime, day or night, and get a rental car anywhere, no matter what. It was a very nice gesture and he really impressed me with his speech about how the company is trying to make a change as far as customer service, etc. I hope it's true. I don't know if I'll use Advantage again, but it definitely took the edge of my anger. All I wanted was for someone from the company to recognize the legitimacy of my complaint.

Let's see...what else. I don't know. I'm happy, in love, busy, and generally pretty content with life.

I heard I was in town.

I have been informed via email from more than one reader that I have been shirking my duties around here. I am so busy, I really apologize. At any rate, The Boy and I are headed out of town for the weekend, and we'll be back on Sunday. So, I will make an attempt to do a lenthy update on Sunday, but promise I'll have one up by Monday night. At any rate, I am not dead, kidnapped, abducted by aliens, or in any other way missing, maimed, and/or possessed by spirits of the undead or the otherworldly.

Back soon. We're going to a place with a heart-shaped hot tub. No really.

It's funny...

One weird thing about blogging is that I kind of know you guys, but I kind of don't. The anonymous part of me feels like I could tell you anything, but the part of me that feels like I know you forces me to censor myself at least a little bit. So many weird and interesting things happen to me all the time, but they seem almost too personal to share with you if you DO know me...like, I would only tell my very best friends, or a stranger, but not acquaintances.

A couple of weeks ago I was misdiagnosed with an illness. Not a fatal illness, but something that worried me a great deal, only to find out when I sought out a specialist, that I actually had something totally different, totally common, and easily curable. It was very stressful, and if I knew you *less*, I would have told you all the ridiculous details.

In the meantime, lots of good stuff is happening in my life. The Boy officially used the "L" word! I know, I'm shocked too! He really is just a kind, good, decent person who is normal, and funny, and smart. I have no idea where it's all going, but for once in my life, I'm doing a pretty good job of not trying to control everything. He told me the other day, "Don't you know that you deserve to be treated well? You're amazing!" I thought...huh? I mean, really, no one has ever cared about whether I knew I deserved it before, let alone actually done it! At dinner last night I told him that I love that he doesn't try to snow me with a bunch of bullshit about all the nice things he's going to do for me, he just does them, quietly, and doesn't trumpet it to me or the world. I'm so appreciative of that after all the guys I've been with who just talked, and talked, and talked and never did shit.

Ummm...let's see. I have an AWESOME Advantage Rent-A-Car story/satisfying ending to tell you about, but it's going to have to wait until at least tomorrow. I'm due at dinner with my girlfriends. Yay!

I'm alive!

Sorry about the extreme lack of posting. I wish I had a great excuse, but I don't. It's the busiest time of year from now until April for us...lots of accidents come (unfortunately) with crab season.

I have been trying to go to the gym after work, which means that I rarely get home before 8pm. Add in doing stuff with The Boy, hanging out with my friends, and just doing life stuff, and basically I'm home for an hour a week, which I don't particularly want to spend on the internet.

So, let's see. What's been going on? Uh....nothing.

I'm drinking too much, which you already knew. I'm spending too much money, which you probably could have guessed.

I'm taking crocheting lessons to learn a few things I need to make The Boy an afghan for Christmas - a really, really nice afghan. I figure if we break up, I'll still love it, so it's the perfect gift.

I saw a van today with a magnetic sign that said "Professional Latino Painting" on it. If anyone has a Latino they need painted, apparently there is a service here that will do that for you.

My only real plans for this weekend are to force The Boy to go to Ikea tomorrow with me, to see The Prestige tonight, and possibly to make some cookies. If I feel motivated. Maybe.

Back to the grind.

M. left this morning after a very fun but whirlwind visit. We drank, shopped, and ate too much, all of which are FINE by me! We got to spend lots of quality time together, and really catch up, which was awesome. She met The Boy and has given her seal of approval, so that's good as well.

Work is very busy. The end.

The Boy is good. Really good. He made M. and I homemade gnocchi for dinner on Friday night, and strawberry napoleans because one time, in passing, I said that I loved them. He pays attention. He does instead of saying he'll do. I really am so glad I gave this whole thing a chance, because he is a wonderful person.

Having so much fun!

M. and I have been having so much fun! Yesterday we went and got massages and facials...it was awesome. Then we went and had Indian food and came home and made cookies and drank wine. Tonight The Boy is making us dinner at his house, and we're going to spend the day shopping. Tomorrow is Girl's Night Out with all my girlfriends at a fancy restaurant. It's been really, really wonderful having her here and getting lots of best friend bonding time.

Anyway, more updates later. Nordstroms is calling me..."E. Spat, spend money noooooooooow."

M. gets here tomorrow!!!!

YAY! I cannot wait to see M. in the morning. I pick her up at the airport in the morning, and then we have five days of fun, fun, fun planned. Massages, facials, hair appointments, and a girl's night out with all my friends at a fancy restaurant! Plus, The Boy is making us dinner on Friday at his place...I'm nervous for him, this is a big test that he *has* to pass. I think he'll be fine though. I like him quite a lot, and I think she will too.

I still have several stories that I want to tell on here...I just have to find some time. Maybe while M. is here and I have some time off work I'll get around to it. Right now The Boy is bringing me takeout, since I am trying to get the apartment ready for M. and doing laundry and stuff.

Updates on her visit will be forthcoming.

You know you're in a relationship when...

You buy The Boy a coffeemaker because he loves coffee, you don't drink it, and watching him struggle through mornings pretending it's OK with him that there's no coffee just breaks your heart. I put it on the counter with a bow on top and two mugs next to it. We'll see how long it takes him to notice.

Weekend update

Daddy Spatula made it through his surgery, and seems to be in good spirits. When they went in, they found that his collarbone was actually broken in five places, but they decided to pin it anyway. Depending on how it heals, they might have to go back in a couple of months and put plates in.

Yesterday The Boy took my car all day and put on new brakes with the help of his brother. When he brought it back they had detailed the whole thing and washed it and all that stuff. So nice! I made him and my other friend dinner, and LQ's famous cupcakes...it was quite a hit.

Today I am spending the day watching all my recorded shows and reading. I spent all day yesterday cleaning house while my car was out of commission, so I'm basically ready for M. to get here on Wednesday. I'm also doing all manners of beauty treatments while I'm home today. Technically I think my boss expected me to be at work at some point this weekend, but I just don't really feel like it. I didn't bill nearly enough last week, but I had a stressful week and I had other things on my mind...hopefully this week (until Wednesday at least) will be more productive.

Send good waves ~~~~~!

Daddy Spatula has his surgery this morning to repair his collarbone. If they pin it, he'll be out of the hospital tonight, and if they put plates on it, then he'll be out tomorrow. They called last night and said they'd had a horrible day dealing with all the insurance companies and the hospital and stuff. I was like "Uh, HELLO! I am your daughter, I'm a lawyer, AND I'm an insurance adjuster!!! CALL ME!!!" I hope next time they have trouble they'll just give me a call - maybe I could at least save them some time.

I have to run to work, but I have lots of stuff to tell you this weekend, including (but not limited to):

1. Meeting the identical twin of The Boy (tonight)
2. Update on Advantage Rent-A-Car
3. General Life Update
4. Plans for while M. is here (I CAN'T WAIT!!!)

So, I will make every effort to be back writing tomorrow. The Boy is taking my car to his house and changing my brakes tomorrow, so I will be home alone with lots of time I think.

Crazy is as crazy does.

Very busy. Busy at work, busy with The Boy, busy worrying about a few (very minor) health concerns, busy being a bit anxious about my dad's surgery, and busy being busy. Sigh.

The Boy made me dinner last night. It was fabulous (really), and he actually planned ahead and made some parts the night before. It was kind of amazing actually. So far that whole thing is going well...no more comments since inevitably anything I say is going to backfire on me.

I am reciprocating tonight with dinner for The Boy, so I better get busy on my homemade mac & cheese.

Poor, poor Daddy Spatula

Poor Daddy Spatula, he is just not feeling well at all. His collarbone is broken in four places, and yesterday the orthopedist decided that he does need surgery after all. So, on Friday Daddy Spatula will get pins placed to sort of put all the pieces back together again. Poor guy.

In the meantime, the lawyer in me loves the story of how this happened. They were on their regular bike ride, and some people were standing on one side of the bike path shooting targets on the other side (why? who knows!). So, Daddy Spatula and the rest of the group went off the path in order to not have to ride in front of where these people were shooting, and that's when he tumbled off his bike and hurt himself. Wouldn't I just love to know if those people were allowed to be shooting there??? Oh yes I would.

Not much else going on. I enjoyed my day off work yesterday but it wasn't as relaxing as it could have been because I felt sort of disgusting after a weekend of far too much drinking. Now that I know I passed the bar, and the "Law School Chapter" of my life is blessedly over, it's time to cut back pretty significantly on the booze and get back to the gym on a regular basis. My last excuse for just eating and drinking everything in sight is gone, so it's back to the proverbial salt mines I guess. With the added benefit that I'll actually feel decent again hopefully.

Thanks Columbus!

I am probably the only person on the planet who gets Columbus Day off, but hey, I'll take it. I slept in, and now I'm getting ready to do laundry...don't I lead a positively exciting life?

Everything is going well so far with The Boy. Someone in the comments suggested I call him The Man, but I think I will probably not talk about him too much on here, so, we'll stick with The Boy for now. Anyway, he's very nice and it was fun to spend some time with him this weekend.

On a sad note, Daddy Spatula crashed his bike yesterday afternoon and broke his collar bone pretty severely. He's in a lot of pain, and is definitely going to drive my mom nuts for the next few weeks that he can't ride his bike. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for.

Anyway, I have to go separate my darks and lights. Cuz that's how I roll.

I passed the bar exam!

I really passed!! Results ended up online in the middle of the night, and Ex-Roomie's boyfriend found them when he checked at around 2am when he got up to go to the bathroom. They called me and woke me up, and I called our other good friend and woke her up. Congrats to everyone who passed, and my heartfelt sympathies for those who didn't...this has been the most nervewracking week I've been through in a long time. I'm glad it's over.

UPDATE: The new (to me) Absolut Grapefruit Vodka is THE SHIT! Also, I spent $100 at Sephora today and am officially wearing the sluttiest eyeliner and sparkly eyeshadow ever! The Boy gets here in just under an hour. I'm nervous.

No news is...just...no news.

I hate waiting. Knowing the results are in the mail is gut-wrenching, and the waiting is just awful. I am headed out for a night of subdued drinking with a couple of pals to try to take the edge off. Boy I Like is (hopefully) on a plane, headed home. We are to go out tomorrow night - I hope I can be happy E.Spat for him, not sad, deranged, slightly psychotic E.Spat. It's in the mail. Gulp.

12:33am: Nope, nothing online yet. So tired. Must go to bed.

Look Ma, I'm blogging!

I talked to The Boy I Like tonight. He's really excited to be coming home tomorrow. Partially I think because he's excited to see me, but mostly because he left six weeks ago with one suitcase and a tale from his employer about how he'd be gone for a week...poor guy, I think he just wants to see the inside of his own house. And me (yay!).

Basically the only thing I can think of is bar results. Supposedly they will be mailed tomorrow, to be received on Saturday. Supposedly the results will be posted online no later than Monday afternoon/evening. Last year, apparently, there was a SNAFU with the mailing and people didn't get their results until Tuesday in the mail, but the list went up on the internet on Friday at midnight. So, basically, I think I should know by Saturday. I do not feel the least bit positive about it though, so I don't know...I just kind of feel marginally sick all the time. Ex-Roomie and I are going to dinner tomorrow night with our good friend who graduated last year. She's fantastic and always calms us down, so we're looking forward to that. Boy I Kinda Like's plane doesn't get in until the middle of the night, so I am not seeing him until Saturday night for our date. His brother is picking him up at the airport - which seems good...I don't think we're to the "pick up at the airport" point yet at all.

Let's see...what else is up? Work is going swimmingly. I still love it so much, and I think I'm doing a good job and that they like me - I certainly like them. My boss leaves Sunday for a two week vacation out of the country, so I expect to be very busy for the next couple of weeks. M. gets here on October 18th, which is exciting because I have to go to a law firm reception on October 19th, and she's going to go as my date. I am willing to be that no one at the reception will be as interesting as her, so I think it will be fun. We are doing tons of girly beauty things while she's in town, and I'm so excited...massages, facials, hair cuts, color, highlights, pedicures, waxing...the list goes on and on.

Anyway, gotta pay attention to the rest of Grey's Anatomy and then go to bed early because I'm exhausted. I fully expect a middle of the night drunk dial from Boy I Kinda Like since his coworkers took him out for a celebratory goodbye tequila-fest.

I'm a bad blogger!

God, I feel so bad that I just can't get it together enough to find time to blog, but shit is BUSY! Between working, "marketing" (ie: taking clients out to fancy restaurants...yay!), and doing things with friends, I am pretty much busy every minute of every day.

The Boy I Like is coming back on Friday night. Unfortunately for him bar results will likely be out on Saturday one way or the other, so I will either be out with my friends or at home crying and getting drunk alone...neither of which is so romantic. But, we have tentative plans on Saturday night, and I think it will be very nice to see him in person and try to figure out what we really have going on here.

The guy from my accident turns out not to have a driver's license, insurance, or any documentation related to being in the United States in a legal way. I don't have any real problem with my insurance paying to fix the car (which apparently belongs to someone he knows), but it does irk me that my insurance is going to find me at fault when the other guy doesn't even have a license to drive.

Anyway, I am going to make a concerted effort to blog before Saturday, but of course, once I know bar results, you will all know bar results. My stomach hurts all the time when I think about it - I just want to know one way or the other.

Hi guys!

Well, needless to say, I'm still alive - just been busy. I have been spending a lot of time with my friends, drinking wine and doing our nails and discussing the imminent release of bar results. Plus, I've been talking to The Boy I Like on the phone quite a bit, which puts a dent in most of my evenings. He should hopefully be back this weekend - I just hope we don't go out on a "real" date and decide we hate each other after all this time of talking.

So, I will make a concerted effort to write a post tonight. There's been lots of fun stuff going on with friends and work, but I just need to find five seconds to sit down and type it out.

Bar results are being mailed Friday, so I will likely know on Saturday the results. Scary.

Odds-N-Ends

The Boy I Like sent me flowers yesterday to cheer me up after my accident...yellow daisies and roses. With a card (partially) in Italian. Sweet!

The guy from the accident has had his family members calling my insurance company looking for money. My insurance is being awesome and not giving any money to anyone until they can determine who the car belongs to and whether this guy even had a license to be on the road. It may begin to suck if he starts to claim medical expenses, but so far he hasn't. He was driving a 1988 Toyota Corolla junker, so I don't think fixing the bumper is going to be too pricey.

Work is very busy. I'm working a pretty large property damage claim, which is exciting but also nerve-wracking. Tomorrow I'm sitting in on my first settlement conference, so I think that will be really interesting. Overall I'm pretty much overwhelmed, but I think that might actually be better than having time to think about it.

Aside from all of this, I am:

Drinking too much

Spending too much time on the phone.

Looking forward to Boy I Like coming back perhaps as early as next weekend.

Dreading bar results coming out perhaps as early as next weekend.

Buying expensive lingerie. Because I can.

Increasing my auto insurance coverage. Because I need to.

Feeling really great about having so many wonderful friends out here.

Loving my job.

Being grateful I'm not back at school right now.

Worrying too much about stuff I can't control.

Taking my vitamins.

Getting really excited for M's visit in mid-October.

Just 30 seconds!!!!

I'm not gonna lie, when I see this guy, the first word that comes to mind isn't "Listerine." Oh - drinking it you say?

Oops.

Today on the way home I had a car accident. As you can tell by the utter lack of posting, I have been very busy. But, I was on my way to see an apartment, and was turning left and ran into a car that was coming down the other side of the street (i.e.: he had the right of way).

This only turned into a saga when the guy didn't speak English, his eyes were totally red and bloodshot, he was acting pretty inappropriately (laughing and stuff), and then when his friend got there he finally admitted he didn't have insurance. He wanted to leave before the police came (no surprise), so I gave him my insurance information - he wouldn't really give me any of his info. I ended up just writing down his license plate number and make of his car, and then I called 911 back, said we had "exchanged information," and came home. I know that I would likely have to pay no matter what, but it really pisses me off that this guy doesn't have insurance...it's just so irresponsible. Anyway, he told several people he wasn't hurt and didn't need an ambulance, and I pretty much set him right up with my insurance info, so I guess all is as well as it's going to get.

Anyway, other than all of that, life is moving right along. I am anxiously planning for M's visit out here in October. Many of you know she's been out of town since May, so this is a big deal. We are having two full days of beauty treatments, and I am really looking forward to it.

Bar results will likely be received by next Saturday (a week and a half)...nerves are setting in.

Everything is going good with the Boy I Like. He supposedly will find out tomorrow when/if he is EVER coming home...this is getting kind of ridiculous. He was really cute tonight about the accident, and was so upset he wasn't here to help. I did call him and have him ask the guy if he needed an ambulance or anything - helps to know someone bilingual sometimes. I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss him.

Home sweet home.

I am home. Exhausted, but home. It was a whirlwind of a trip with lots of stuff to do, and many glasses of wine. I got to meet lawgeekgurl, which was totally fun. More to come later - I have to go to sleep now. Even Boy I Like went to bed early tonight, and we've been talking at all manners of weird, middle-of-the-night times lately. Poor guy...I think he's exhausted, and ready to come back.

I'm off to Portland.

Last night we had "Girl's Night Out" at the Shooting Range (Tuesday is "Ladies Night" there...no really). Ex-Roomie brought her bf and he brought a friend from work, so it ended up being three women and two men, thus skewing the whole "girls" part of the "night out," but we had such an awesome time. I love taking people shooting. It makes me feel really good to see people who were scared or apprehensive about firearms get into shooting and walk out feeling confident about their ability to shoot safely and with some knowledge about the way firearms work. Everyone did wonderfully, and I was really impressed since they are all first-time shooters except Ex-Roomie, who I have taken out a couple of times during law school. I will be posting pictures of my targets if I ever get around to taking some.

I am going to work for a half day, then I'm off to Portland for a work seminar. I'm (happily) staying at a pretty swank hotel, and I definitely plan to enjoy myself while I'm there. I will be taking my laptop, but I have no idea what the wireless situation at the hotel will be. I have tentative plans to meet at least one blogger while I'm in town as well, but I can't remember if she tells on her blog where she lives, so I have to figure out if I can talk about that.

Right now I guess I better go pack. I got home so late from shooting, and then the Boy I Like called me, and then it was midnight and I was way too tired to pack. We had a long conversation about how weird (but good weird) it's been for him to be out of town all this time, and for us to get this chance to know each other outside the physical realm. I told him that to me it feels a bit like my notion of old-fashioned dating, where you see each other for a couple of hours on dates for quite a while before anything ever happens. I kind of like it because I really needed this time to get to know him and to figure out what was going on with myself, plus I'm so busy at work, I know we wouldn't be seeing each other this much if he was in town. Chatting on the phone and email allows talking to be squeezed in during drive times or other times when, if he was in town, we wouldn't drive out to meet somewhere.

Anyway, I'm off to Portland. Likely back to blogging on Saturday when I get home depending on the wireless situation out there.

I care!

Contents of care package I am sending to Boy I Like today:

1. Two books, both by J. Maarten Troost: The Sex Lives of Cannibals and Getting Stoned with Savages.
2. Huge candy bar.
3. Animal crackers. The good ones...the kind in a box with a string.
4. Whistle shaped like a helicopter. Why? WHY NOT!
5. Mad Libs.
6. Hopping Lederhosen.
7. USA vs. Commies Army Men.
8. Aveda Skin Cleanser and Lotion (it's humid in the South and my pal, the man formerly known as Fitz Hume, recommended it to me).
9. Pencil for the Mad Libs, with pencil topper shaped like a molar.

So, as you can see...it's not the best care package in the world, but at least I tried to strike a good balance between food, skin care, and mindless entertainment.

I'm special!

I'm going on my first business trip! I leave Wednesday and come back Saturday(ish) - I'll be in Portland, OR. So, yay for me!

Shopping and drinking and drinking and shopping.

This weekend I did exactly two things to excess...drink and shop. I bought four pairs of shoes at Nine West, including TWO knee high pairs of boots - chocolate brown suede and red leather (HELL YEAH!) (similar to the picture, except they have a little buckle thing on the side). I spent the vast majority of the weekend with Ex-Roomie and her bf, hanging out and drinking tons of beer and eating too much. It was really fun. Today I finally came home and did some housework and I'm going to watch a girl movie in a couple of hours. Highlights of the weekend:

1. Getting my nails done. By a midget.
2. Giving a gun safety class to my three girlfriends last night, since I'm taking them all shooting on Tuesday night.
3. Teaching Ex-Roomie to drive stick on her bf's new Acura.
4. Sitting next to two guys from Texas at one of our local bars and talking barbeque for nearly an hour.
5. Going to an open house for a really nice condo.
6. Staying away from work even though I really should have gone in this weekend.
7. Getting a drunk dial every single night from the Guy I Decided I Do Like and listening to him ramble incoherently, plus one text message consisting entirely of a quote from The Three Amigos.
8. Going to lunch at a local Indian restaurant and being asked if my friend (who is a girl) and I were on a first date. I mean, it's awkward, but wouldn't it be so much MORE awkward if we WERE on a first date?

Anyway, life has been crazy busy, but I am hoping that I am eventually going to get it under control. I guess we'll see! The Guy I Decided I Do Like is potentially coming back in about two weeks after being gone this last month. So, I think it will be nice to spend some time together and see if we can reproduce in person what we have over the phone and email...a sort of easygoing, comfortable banter. He is literally the funniest guy I have ever dated and definitely the smartest I think. The chemistry thing is...well, I mean, who knows? Right now all seems well, and I guess that's the most I can say until he comes back and we just see what's up.

Drunkiety!

Don't you haet it when you are JUSTT the right amount of drunk and the person wuou you whant to drunk dial isn't home or answring their cell phone???? DAMNIT!

So, you're saying today is actually the worst day of your life?

Yesterday was very awful. Very, very awful. All day I got screamed at by claimants, who accused me of everything from purposely secreting their checks for a couple of days every month so they would be late and the person would get kicked out of their apartment (I don't even have time to eat lunch!!), to wanting someone to stay sick because it would somehow be "better" for me (yeah, it's totally better for me to continue to pay out tons of money indefinitely), to being accused of being a rich-bitch ("well, you were probably BORN rich, but I wasn't, and I need this money!").

To top it all off, I fell down the concrete stairs outside my building after work and, since I essentially tumbled all the way down, I have bruises EVERYWHERE!, and my hand is all cut up.

Then, after dinner last night, I started thinking that I was going to bring home a file last night, and maybe when I fell I dropped it, and it might be laying in the parking lot at my office. I obsessed about this all night to the point where at 2:30am I literally sat up in bed and was ready to drive to my office and see if the file was in the parking lot. I know that when I fell, I picked up my jacket and my purse and they were all in a big pile, so if the file was there I'm sure I would have seen it and picked it up, but I just worried all night.

I am so glad it's Friday. At least if it's as nuts today as it was yesterday I'll be wearing jeans. I'm going to happy hour after work with Ex-Roomie and her bf, so that's something to look forward to. Let's just hope that I at least don't break my neck today.

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.

I looked at an apartment today.

Does anyone besides me think that $1100 a month for a one-bedroom should be devoid of holes in the floor?

In other news, the Boy Who I Like sent me a drunken text message last night with a quote from Bridget Jones. He has this amazing talent for remembering tons of quotes from every single movie he sees, I guess that has to do with speaking a bunch of languages...that part of his brain apparently works extra well.

Work is going OK. I am very, very, very busy and have been feeling a bit overwhelmed and upset, and I think that also had something to do with feeling kind of sick too. I'm feeling better physically and I noticed that today I was feeling more positive emotionally.

Still having trouble finding a schedule that works for me...sigh. I feel like I have all the stress of billable hours, combined with learning an entirely new industry besides what I've been doing for the last three years. Anyway, life is nuts, and I'm trying to figure it out piece by piece. I don't want to be professionally succesful at the cost of my physical and mental health, but it's just been slow-going in terms of figuring this shit out.

I am also spending some time phoning and emailing with the Boy Who Is Kinda Growing On Me, so I'm curious where that might go when/if he ever comes back from the neverending business trip, and I'm enjoying getting to know him without all the pressure of traditional dating. I had dinner with a friend tonight and she said that she was afraid I wasn't going to give him a chance because of my doubts about our compatibility/chemistry, but that she's happy to see I'm keeping an open mind. And I think I really am...I mean, if nothing else, all the communicating that we've been doing has really given me a lot of insight into who I am, and who I can be, and how another person who I have not immediately jumped into bed with might perceive me. It's just been really interesting for me.

I'm dying over here.

I have been trying since Friday to convince myself the reason I feel so awful is allergies. It has become clear to me that I may have to admit...I'm sick.

Damnit. I barely got through any work yesterday or today, and there's still three days left. I am cranky, miserable, and would probably be clingy if I had the energy and someone to cling to.

I am going to hit the couch, read some "O"prah Magazine, and go to bed early. If my head doesn't explode.

PS: I'm looking at an apartment tomorrow. More to come.

Red is SEX! RED IS SEX!

Tonight the Ex-Roomie and her bf came over and we ate dinner, drank soda (for us) and beer (for him) and watched Kinky Boots. We agreed it was a fun, lighthearted, feel-good movie. Very predictable, but with a happy ending and not a lot of thinking, which I was totally in the mood for. I learned that you can't judge a book by its cover, that everyone deserves respect, that hard work is rewarded, and that true love can conquer all. Great!

I think I am not going to comment too much on the fact that it's 9/11 since anything I say will sound trite, I'm sure. If anyone cares, five years ago today I was an active duty Air Force officer working in an intelligence unit. Weird how life changes, huh?

I had a day today that was, well, just difficult...so I'm glad the movie was fun. I hit myself in the nose accidentally with a water bottle (long story, maybe tomorrow), which made my nose bleed...I don't think it's broken, but I'm worried I'm going to have black eyes tomorrow. Sigh.

Anyway, it's 10pm, and that means it's about bedtime. Pathetic, I know. But, I'm trying to keep on the gym schedule, so early bedtimes are mandatory.

And, since a couple of people asked, the Boy Who I Like is still out of town for at least another two to three weeks. We've been talking a lot on the phone and via email, which has been nice. I really feel like I'm getting to know more about him, and certainly, our friendship is growing. His work situation means that he's sort of out of town right now indefinitely...so...I guess we'll just see. He's having a lot of fun going sailing at his Away Location, and taking clients out and getting them loaded or whatever, and hopefully he's about to go on a trip to another country that he loves...so, his life is more exciting than mine. As I told him today, I guess I should have learned to speak like five languages instead of going to law school and maybe people would ply me with sailing trips and tours of other countries. My bad.

Overheard at my friend's wedding...

Yesterday I went to my good friend's wedding, which was very fun and laid-back. She invited one of our professors from law school who she is (apparently) very close to. After about five beer the following exchange occurred:

Law Professor: "So, when did you graduate?"

Me: "This year."

LP: "Oh really? I feel like I've never even seen you before!"

Me: "And yet you have."

LP: "Where?"

Me: "You interviewed me last year to be your research assistant. Someone else got the job."

LP: "Oh. Now I remember."

AWKWARD SILENCE...

We ended up having a very nice conversation about nontraditional job and whatnot, but all I could think in my mind while the above was taking place was... "OH NO YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME ANYMORE!!"

I think I have some problems with authority. Maybe.

In other news, I am considering getting rid of all my furniture when I finally find a new place to live and buying all new stuff. Mostly because I'm lazy.

I'm alive.

I have been so busy. In the last three days of this week, I billed well over 30 hours, which you know means I worked like 40 at least, plus on Thursday I had to attend a meeting down in Olympia, which is over an hour away, so that ate up a good portion of my day. Then last night I went straight from work to dinner with friends, today I am leaving soon for a wedding that is about an hour away, so I'll be gone until late tonight, and then tomorrow I have plans with a friend to go walking and possibly have lunch. I think I have been home a total of less than one hour each day that I wasn't asleep. But, it's been fun and work is going good, which means I'm making lots of money, and I'm getting to spend a lot of time with my friends, which is nice. I got a bonus check yesterday at work, which was surprisingly huge - but I have to say, it's nice to get paid when you work really hard.

I have to go get ready for this wedding, but I will try to think of some stuff to blog about by tomorrow afternoon/night, when I will hopefully have a few minute to actually sit down.

Nails. Done.

I worked a billion hours today, and got my nails done as a reward - they are long and frenchly manicured. Love them! They make my reward-ring look totally awesome too.

Anyway, I got home from my friend's going away party in time to watch Nip/Tuck. Yay! And I went to the gym this morning.

I'm awesome. And a little tipsy.

I'm taking your advice...

I had rather a licentious weekend, what with the bachelorette party and the drinking and the stripper and whatnot. Lots of people are moving away and stuff as they prepare to start new jobs, so I've been spending a lot of time trying to hang out with people before they leave - there's another going-away party tomorrow night. It's crazy!

Anyway, I indulged all my hedonistic impulses this weekend and now I'm taking your collective advice. I am going to get up early every single morning for the next three weeks and go to the gym. I always hear it takes three weeks to make something a habit, so I'm just going to force myself to do it and see what happens. I mean, I think it'll be fine and I'll enjoy it after about the first week...in the past I've found I just have to work through the initial few days of creepiness and then I feel really good about myself for doing it. It has to be done, that's the bottom line.

Tonight is the season finale of The Closer, but on Tuesday Nip/Tuck starts again. YAY!

It's 2am, do you know where your stripper is?

Good things about tonight:

1. Totally cute stripper
2. Totally cute stripper who flirted with all of us and earned every dollar bill
3. Tequila
4. Whipped cream
5. Non-attribution

Bad things about tonight:

1. Digital camera
2. Stripper only about 5'5"
3. I don't really like whipped cream all that much
4. Digital camera
5. Tequila

SHOUT OUT

Shout out to Zuska at Parens Binubus who sent me a really thought-provoking email about attraction vs. everything else. It really made me think, and I'm just drunk enough to have written her back with a big old story about my nonsensical life. I vote that she blogs about it (her opinions, not my email) at some point if she feels like it, but it made me think and I appreciate that. Not just because I'm drunk either. Wine always makes me want to think about all this relationship shit. It's weird.

Ooooh, it' 9. Time for What Not To Wear. Gotta go.

Once I solve all my problems (probably at least one more bottle of wine, as an estimate), I will be blogging about it. Ha.

How much is too much?

My guy friend today asked me "How often is the right amount to call a girl?" I'm too lazy to look up past posts and link, but I've often bemoaned a man's lack of follow-up and inability to call when he says he will - I truly think making assertions that you have no intention of following through on is a serious character flaw, but I don't know how often is TOO often. I'm sure it depends quite a bit on the girl. I like them to call but not too much so that I end up feeling smothered.

Anyway, leave a comment if you want and when I talk to him again this weekend I will incorporate all your comments and ideas without giving you any credit whatsoever. Because that's how I roll. And also because he doesn't know about this blog.

Also, in case you're wondering, I had a FABYOOLESSSSS day at work today and I'm celebrating at home with a bottle of wine alone since all my friends are out of town or have holiday plans or friends in town or whatever. It actually feels kinda good.

All the things I didn't say.

I was talking with a guy friend today about women being "sexual gatekeepers" and who REALLY makes the decisions in relationships about when, where and how sex will take place. During this conversation he told me some opinions about how "normal" girls act, and since he's told me in the past that I'm "weird" I commented that I must be weird because a lot of what he was saying didn't make any sense to me or ring true in my life.

He told me that he thinks of me as weird in a "good way," unique and sort of eccentric. I thought about it on my way home and it occurred to me that he was giving me what he perceives of as a compliment and in the past I would have been disappointed that he hadn't said "you're exactly like every other girl I know only BETTER!" I am glad that it's getting easier to be me, which certainly is...uh...unique, and that at least on occasion there are people in my life who think that "me" is interesting.

I settled my first claim today, all by myself. It was kinda nervewracking, if I do say so myself.

In other news, there is no other news because it's the first day I've been home before 8pm in probably a week, and I'm already falling asleep - so I guess I'm going to vegetate in front of the tube for a while and then go to bed early. Aren't I exciting?

Workin' in the coal mine...

Today was rough. Rough. A client hates me, witnesses are eluding me (and it's a special kind of eluding when people can escape to the Bering Sea on a fishing vessel to get away from you), and my boss was teasing me about something that kind of hurt my feelings and made me feel awkward (although she's the nicest person on the planet and clearly didn't mean anything mean). I'm confused and frustrated with billing, I feel guilty about how long it takes me to do stuff and since I'm not in a firm no one is checking my stuff and down-grading my billables because I'm new, so I'm kind of policing myself which means I have to work twice as hard since I'm shaving down my own billables. I am stressed that I will never have my own clients who will actually like me and won't just be in love only with everyone else in the office. And, they hired someone else to come in part-time starting in a couple of weeks, and I wonder how that will effect my ability to bill and the level of work I'll have. Plus, she used to work there before and so she already knows everyone and knows what's going on, which freaks me out. And there's not even a place for her to sit. If she gets the corner office with the view I'm going to go totally nuts.

Basically, I'm stressed out. Really, really stressed out. I still love my job, but I'm a stranger in a strange land and I don't understand even the simplest things and it's just so frustrating and nerve-wracking. I did go to a social thing after work tonight with one of my bosses and it was really fun and I met lots of neat people, so that was cool, but now I'm home and in full-on worry mode. Sigh.

Suggestions?

OK, I am finding it very difficult to do much except work. How do you people, especially those with long hours/billables, fit in the gym? Do you get up at 5am? Do you go at night, no matter how late you get home? How do you plan meals and stuff without just eating out constantly?

Feel free to write about this on your own blogs and link back, or leave comments, but I really want to know how people keep some balance in their lives when they are working tons and stressed out and still wanting to spend time with friends and stuff.

I would say I'm working approximately 50-60 hours a week right now, and when I get home I'm exhausted, and I am having a really hard time getting up early when I don't get to bed until 11 or 12 because I have so much to do when I get home (which was 9 last night, and 9:30 tonight, after work engagement last night/going away party for a friend tonight).

I'm tired, but I don't particularly want to be out of shape AND tired, and would likely be LESS tired if I could get on a regular gym schedule. Work is INSANE though, and stressful, and just...well...crazy.

All together now..."AWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

So, I was emailing back and forth with the recent date guy today. He's going out of town for a couple of weeks on a business trip, and he asked me what year my car is. I told him and said "why do you want to know?" (But not in a snotty way...ed.) He said he was ordering new brake parts for my car because it shudders really bad when you hit the brakes and apparently he knows with his man-sense that this is related to some kind of a warped brake thingiemajigger, and so when he comes back he's going to fix it for me. He had said this before but I thought he was just, you know, saying it (Because, in my experience, men do that quite often).

Yeah, he's pretty much a nice guy. I mean, he finds out today he has to be out of town for two weeks and still stops in the middle of his day and orders parts for my car.

Scandalous!

I got to work this morning and my boss informed me I would be leaving work at noon to go play in a bowling tournament, then attending a cocktail hour/dinner thingie. The bowling alley was relatively close to home, and since we finished early, I came home for a quick fix of Dr. Phil before heading to the cocktail party.

I got two business cards at the bowling tournament, I'm a networking maniac!

Anyway, I guess I should relax for two minutes before it's tme to leave. I was so nervous just showing up to this thing today not knowing anyone and without either of my bosses, but I think it went OK. I'm mentally exhausted though.

Is it Sunday already?

This weekend has been so busy!!!

First, on Friday I went on a date to see Beerfest. Gotta love a guy who appreciates that I consider this movie to be totally appropriate date fare, plus there are lots of gratuitous boobie shots, so I'm sure he didn't mind. It didn't even hold a candle to Super Troopers - the standard by which I judge all supposedly funny movies, but it was funny in a few parts.

Yesterday I went to this really wonderful outlet mall with my friend. I spent tons of money and got some really cute stuff, which I needed because I'm still trying to lose my bar exam weight and I can't fit into any of my stupid clothes.

Last night we went out to our fave local bar to welcome Ex-Roomie back into town. I have to admit that I had quite a few beers and would randomly just walk up to her and hug her and be like "Thank GOD you're back!" It's good to have the whole group back together again.

Today I am going to see The Devil Wears Prada with my good friend, and then the Ex-Roomie and I are going to our other good friend's house to watch the Emmy's. The Emmy friend is moving next week so this is probably the last chance I'll have to hang out with her for awhile, although I will be traveling to her new city for work in December, so I'm sure we'll get together then.

And, lastly, the date. I am trying to learn my lesson about talking about stuff like that on here, but it went OK. This guy, as I've said before, it basically the nicest guy I have ever been on a date with. So, no matter what happens, it was nice to go out a couple of times this weekend with someone who is very nice, and I realize (perhaps more than anyone else) that it is absolutely sick and twisted to have dating issues related to someone being nice to you and not knowing how to deal with it or turn it into something you can wrap your brain around.

Drunk blogging

Beer DOES go with cupcakes.

Yessir it does!

I went on a date last night, it was fun. I drank WAY too much this whole weekend, but I had alotta fun. I heart cupcakes. And beer.

I'm a golfer!

Or, well, not at all really.

I can sum up my golf tournament experience today in one story.

My foursome won an award. It consists of a golf ball wearing a life jacket.

Remember when?

Remember when I had a parking spot at my own apartment complex because I pay to live here? Yeah, me too. Apparently now when I come home at 1am I am expected to park 6 blocks away and hoof it here in my high heels and awesome dress and semi-boozy-ness. Assholes. I sweet-talked the security guy into letting me park in the reserved parking though...just for tonight. Apparently they are paving one of the parking lots so everyone is going nuts. Assholes.

Also, remember the guy who was super-duper nice? We had drinks tonight. Maybe without the horrible bar exam hanging over my head I'm a little more able to at least consider the possibilities. I heart possibilities.

I downloaded the new Justin Timberlake song. I am not ashamed. I have billed enough hours this month to get a massive bonus in September already. New shoes or jewelry...what a choice.

Nice talk with one of the boss ladies today...I think it's good to know I'm doing well and they are going to be letting me have even more responsibility and stuff as time goes on. Being validated is good.

Tomorrow (well, later today) I play in my first work-related Schmoozefest Golf Tournament...oh man, it's gonna be ugly. I at least have the drinking and schmoozing part down though.

Off to bed..it's after 1 and I promised the security guard I'd be out of the spot he gave me no later than 8, plus I need to work before I have to leave for the golf tournament. Here's to wishing I don't do anything TOO embarrassing...yeah right.

Happy Gnocchi

Lately I cannot get enough gnocchi, and I don't know why. I mean, obviously, the reason why is that it's gooooooooooooood, but I'm not sure why I've suddenly become crazy about it to the degree that I am.

I still love Mike Rowe. Not as much as I love gnocchi. But that's only because the gnocchi is accessible to me.

I went to the driving range tonight. Shockingly, I still suck at golf. Sigh. And, my boss wants me to play in ANOTHER tournament in October. I might have to suck it up and learn to play for real with lessons and practice and whatnot.

Not much else going on. Billing like a mo-fo and feeling crazy.

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot...a bird flew into our transformer outside our building and so we had no electricity, phone, or email from yesterday afternoon until today around lunchtime. The bird is right under the pole, fried. I can't help but think he got what he deserved considering how hellish my life is without email and internet access.

What I Need

Or maybe....

I heart shiny things.

I forgot to mention that I have been looking for a ring to buy myself as sort of a "Hey, good job making it through law school" gift. So, I bought one. The shiny parts aren't real, but it's a really nice piece of "costume" jewelry and it's super-fun, so I'm happy. It's being sized now so that I can wear it on my middle finger. Flipping people off never looked so glam!

YAY!

I have GREAT NEWS! Ex-Roomie will be back on Friday after a lengthy post-bar trip to see her family. She told me on the phone tonight that if her boyfriend missed her half as much as I do, she'd be really happy. It'll be great to have the whole gang complete again!

I'm still working on letting myself off the hook for my perceived failures yesterday. Isn't it weird how you are so much harder on yourself than anyone else is? I'm sure my boss won't think I did anything TOO awful, but I really have a hard time not beating myself up. What's so funny is that I NEVER was a perfectionist about law school, and I never cared very much about how well I did...guess I'm just more of a "real-world" kinda girl. When it's a paying client and my job and reputation are at stake, it really means something to me that is very visceral. I love this job, I don't want to ever do anything that will screw it up.

Dreams

I fell asleep so early last night...happy after two glasses of wine, but clearly with the events of the day rattling around in my subconscious. I dreamed last night about the recorded statement I took from the claimant, and all the things I did "wrong" all day. It's just as bad as the damn bar exam...geez!

Then, at 8am my phone rang with someone needing information from me in connection with where I took the guy for treatment yesterday and stuff...so, now I'm up. It's gorgeous outside so I guess I should open up the windows and get busy on some cleaning, and possibly hit the gym. I really should go to the driving range since I have that golf tournament on Thursday, but oh well...not sure if I'll make it or not. Sigh. I'm trying not to think about how ugly the whole golf thing is going to be, I hope there's alot of beer.

Holy Shit. I made decisions. And decided things. Holy SHIT!

Holy shit people. Today my boss sent me out ALONE to do my first "real work thing." I went out to a vessel, retrieved an injured person, took him for emergency treatment and arranged for him to be flown back to his home (in another state) since he needs surgery (possibly) and extensive treatment.

For people who have Bloglines, you'll notice I've edited this post. I'm just too weirded out about posting about work...so, can't go there. For those of you who didn't see the original, suffice it to say that today was really, really, really intense and I made alot of big decisions on my own...can only hope I did the right thing and made the right decisions, I think I did the best I could and did the best that can be done for this particular client.

I'm writing up a list of questions of stuff that happened today that I didn't know how to handle, so I can talk to my boss on Monday and try to get some feedback and advice. Today was trial by fire, and it was nuts.

I bought a bottle of wine. I'm going to try to quit panicking and relax. I'm two glasses down and I dare say there's more in my future.

My job is better than your job.

You know how I know?

Because, today, someone actually said to me: "Man, that's just how it fucking IS out there on the Bering Sea man!"

I can't control my heart rate, I've got a cougar on me! *

*Yes, I did see Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby last night. Funny, but the outtakes at the end were probably the best part.

Anyway, I have been SO busy. I'm working probably 10-11 hours a day (billing 8+, which is pretty OK I think). I sincerely wish that I could talk about work because I'm working on tons of really fantastic and interesting cases, but, unfortunately, not so much. Sigh.

Anyway, what have I been up to?

I met Claris on Sunday when she came through town for a rowing competition (her team kicked ass!). She and Lawgeekgurl were nice enough to buy me a keychain with both something pink AND something shiny on it. It was great to meet another blogger on my home turf, as the other ones I've met have all been during my summers in D.C. The gift is awesome too - I put my office keys on it. Thanks!

The other thing I've been watching with something like...umm...let's call it "morbid curiousity" is the blog drama that unfolded over at JMPP's the other day when she outlined her dating criteria and why she's a "quality woman" (to clarify, I started reading her blog at some point on about a once-a-month basis, and I have no idea why...I think because I had an idea she's from the TVPNM...I have yet to figure out why I continue to go back except that sometimes stuff like this happens). I have LOTS of thoughts on this, most of which are more than adequately represented in the comments and the trackbacks (the comments do get pretty abusive towards the end though, FYI). The ensuing drama was heightened when she posted an email exchange she had with one of her many admirers stalkers, and then crowed about her cleverness in using the whole thing to boost her traffic. Once again, comments and trackbacks cover anything I could possibly say on the whole subject.

I guess if I put up a picture I could have admirers and kajillions of men pursuing me too. I mean, shit, I've clearly been doing this all wrong. I'm just as "quality" as JMPP...AND I have a much better education, I love guns and sex just as much, if not more, than her (take that!), AND I have big boobs, better hair, and a soul.

Uplifting

Yeah, that's right...it's my NEW HAIR!! Well, same hair, semi-new color. A little lighter with more highlights. It's sort of a weird pic because I had to hold my hand behind my head to take it, but my hair is long now (shoulder-blade length), so there's ALOT of red hair going on! :)

You're my brown-eyed girl*

A reader (Jeff) recently left this comment under my post about my family reunion and how it had me thinking about my appearance:

As the father of three daughters, I constantly walk the line between complementing them on their appearance (which I would think encourages them) and not doing so (which presumably places less emphasis on their appearance). They're beautiful, of course, but what to say? Thanks so much for giving me a forum to ask this question where, if someone posts an answer, it will likely be to the point and not sarcastic.

Regular readers will know that my appearance and my weight and my perception of my attractiveness are things that I think about, and write about, fairly often. My good friend Mir emailed me after she saw his comment and said, essentially, “I hope you’re going to address this because it’s a great question” and told me her thoughts, which (I think) mirror mine.

In a nutshell, here’s my answer: Tell your daughters constantly how beautiful you think they are. You don’t have to tell them that they are entitled to special treatment because they’re beautiful, or that they don’t have to use their intellect or natural talents because they’re beautiful, but my personal opinion is that one of the greatest gifts a father can give his daughters is to instill WITHIN them the CERTAIN KNOWLEDGE that they are beautiful, both inside and out. You don’t need to turn them into self-absorbed little twits, or encourage an unhealthy level of concern over their appearances, but I would define “telling them they are beautiful” as “letting them know that they are beautiful people, including physically, and allowing them to be secure in their bodies and physical form whether or not they meet ‘conventional’ ideas of beauty advanced by society, the media, and other persons to whom they are exposed.” **In rereading this post after I wrote it, I realize I'm not sure I mean" tell them they're beautiful" or "tell them what the world says is beautiful doesn't mean anything" or perhaps both, so the post is a little stream-of-consciousness, but I'm going to continue to think about this and see if can come up with a way to articulate it better.**

I’ve written about this subject before, so I’ll try not to retread old ground, but I think this is just such an important subject.

I don’t want to go into my entire family history, except to say that while I was growing up there was A LOT of focus on my weight and appearance. I always felt like my dad was embarrassed to be seen with me because I did not represent him in a way that he approved of or could relate to. My accomplishments were celebrated, but they were celebrated on a FAR grander scale when they were related to weight loss or sports. I always believed that the sum total of my value as a human being related directly to the number of pounds I was currently over the Metropolitan Life Insurance Tables, or the distance I could run without keeling over and dying. The scale in our bathroom took on a life of its own, as did the chart next to it where my weight was tracked with undying regularity and tiny gold stars representing when I did "good." I always want(ed) to know what I weigh(ed) but I was(am) terrified that the result would(will) be “bad” and would(will) somehow deem me unworthy of love and affection that was(is) undeserved for “someone like me,” i.e., fat.

So, sometimes it has seemed as if my entire life has revolved around my weight, my appearance, and my failure to live up to standards set by my dad, the military, society, fashion magazines, clothing sizes, men, etc.

I am 31 years old and there has never been a day in my life that I can remember where I didn’t think about my weight. I can’t remember ever being totally comfortable in my skin or with the way I look. I cringe when I walk by the glass front of a store, or a car window where I’m reflected, or a mirror, but I’m still morbidly fascinated with what I see, comparing it to what I saw the last time I looked (even if it was two seconds ago in the window of the store next door). When I used to run I knew every car on my route that had a window where I looked “good” or “bad.” I have mirrors that make me look “OK” versus “totally huge.” All of my clothes are judged on the degree to which they cling to any part of my body that I don’t want things clinging to. I know every pose and position in bed that will make my body seem “less disgusting” to a sexual partner, but in my heart I know that when a man sleeps with me it's because he's desperate and when he doesn't call back it's because I'm fat and he would be embarrassed to be seen with me in any situtuation other than in total darkness after a night of drinking. Any port in storm, right?

I wish that someone had told me, all the time, that I was beautiful. I wish that I had known that beautiful isn’t what a fashion magazine or society or commercials on TV tells you it is. I wish that there had been an adult male in my life who had told me that I am beautiful because I’m a human being who is special and amazing and smart AND pretty and that any man who didn’t make me feel all of those things about myself isn’t worth my very valuable and precious time. I wish that my dad had told me I was gorgeous to him and that he would beat up anyone who tried to tell me different or made me feel less than that. I wish I had been given a benchmark with which to judge my adult relationships with men. Or, rather, a different benchmark. I wish that I hadn't been taught to EXPECT that my appearance wouldn't measure up and that I was capable of putting both actual and perceived rejection by men into a bucket NOT labeled "The Way I Look."

If I knew I was beautiful I wouldn’t grasp at any male attention that comes my way, no matter what sick and unhealthy and squalid human shell it is contained within. If I had known I was beautiful I wouldn’t have married either one of my husbands…not knowing then, as I do now, that just because someone asks (anything) doesn’t mean you have to (always) say “yes.” If I had known I was beautiful I would have told when someone touched me inappropriately, because I would have known that the attention I was getting was unhealthy and that my body was a valuable and wonderful thing to be treated with dignity and respect, not a vessel of constant betrayal and degradation.

If I knew I was beautiful I might try internet dating again…but after a month of vacillating on whether I was “curvy,” “normal,” or had “a few extra pounds,” I gave up when I read in a man’s ad that he KNEW that “curvy” was a euphemism for fat, and everyone knew that women on the internet did nothing but lie about their weight because they’re a bunch of “fatties” and anyone who wasn’t “slim or slender” need not apply. How can I ever face meeting a legion of men to whom I will be either a liar, a disappointment, or a brief rest stop on their way to finding the (acceptably thin) woman of their dreams?

I would literally sell my soul to be able to look in a mirror without spending an hour debating with myself whether or not I should be “allowed” to wear something (Heavens! What WILL people think!?), or to be able to go out with my friends and not feel like the fat, ugly friend…which I know intellectually that I am not, but which my heart and soul cannot seem to grasp, especially when I look at all my size 6 friends and hear them talking about how they're "so fat" and "gross."

My best friend M recently commented to me, “Did you ever think that people couldn’t tell you hate yourself?” And you know what? Yeah. I thought I was fooling a lot of people by being brash and ballsy and funny to hide a crater of insecurity the size of the Grand Canyon. Now I am trying to catch myself and stop when I find myself being self-deprecating or extremely irrational about my appearance, but, as they say, old habits die hard.

It has taken me years to come even this far in dealing with an issue that is so pervasive in our society, and I KNOW my parents did the absolute best they could. No one abused me. No one told me I was ugly or horrible. People told me I was smart and talented. But the most important man in my life, my hero, told me, both through words and actions, that my worth (partially? wholly?) as a human being was based on my appearance and then led me to believe that I (partially? wholly?) didn’t measure up, and I’m not sure I’ll ever work through that to a degree that allows me to be 100% comfortable with my body and appearance.

So, yes. Tell your daughters they are beautiful. All the time. Until they believe it, and know it, and don’t even have the ability to think any different. One of my law professors described a “habit” as “you would stop there even if the stop sign was missing one day.” That’s how your daughters should feel, that even if one day you’re not there to tell them how beautiful they are, they would still stop, mentally, and just *know* it. I’m sure many people will have different opinions on this issue, and I welcome all of them, but this has been my experience and as an adult I look back on a (overall) very happy childhood and just wish that I had been given the tools to deal with an adult world that is very focused on appearance, especially in women. I don’t have kids, so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. But, I was a kid, and in some part of me, I’m still a kid, and I wish my dad would tell me I’m beautiful so I could stop looking in every mirror, store window, and reflection in a man's eyes, wondering if I am and what it means to my future if I’m not.

*One of the happiest memories of my childhood is my dad telling me that Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison was about me. I didn't know what the words meant, but I knew it was a song he loved and that I had brown eyes and that it made me feel pretty and that whenever it came on he would sing along and sometimes dance with me. I play it on every jukebox I come across. Every single one. I wrote this whole post without crying, but remembering this made me cry, because that's how powerful it is as a girl to know that your father thinks you are the best thing he ever did.

Remember students...it's better to play with a group than with yourself.

I went to a going-away party tonight for my friend. She's not actually leaving for a couple of weeks, but it makes me sad to think that this is the beginning of her leaving. Boo!

Anyway, I went by the grocery store because I didn't get dinner and it occurred to me that it's been SO LONG since I just sat home and had a glass of wine and relaxed a little bit. So, I bought a nice chilled bottle of Red Truck White, one of my favorite "everyday" white wines, and I'm sitting here watching Iron Chef America and eating pita chips and drinking the world's largest glass of white wine.

Today I de-cluttered my apartment a bit, it still needs ALOT of work, but I burned scented oil for the first time in probably six months. I hung up clothes that have been on the floor for six weeks, put my duvet cover back on my comforter, and threw away MUCH suspicious looking produce out of my fridge.

Real life is creeping back upon me in fits and starts. I like how it feels.

In other news, I've been thinking alot about the fragility of humans and the human condition. Isn't it amazing that we are able to live at all? Let alone form connections, communicate with each other, and think about our own situations with detachment and insight? God. It's so cool.

Spring Summer End of Summer Cleaning

It is beautiful here today, I mean really gorgeous. I went for a nice long walk with my friend and her son today (he's so cute!), and now I'm home and I'm about to open up all my windows and start making a stab at de-law-school-and-bar-exam-ifying my apartment, which lately looks like an atomic bomb was detonated somewhere in my living room. There's fallout everywhere. I'm also starting to think about the fact that I want to move, and so I want to get my place cleaned up so I can start going through all my stuff and deciding what is and is not going with me to my theoretical new place.

I'm working on a couple of "real" posts...but no time to finish them! I have a going-away party to go to tonight (sad!). My friend got a great job but it's in another city and so we have to say goodbye to her. I'm glad she's going to be happy but I hate to see another person leave.

If I get a good picture reflecting the total awesomeness that is my hair, I'll figure out a way to post it. Maybe THL can draw me some kind of disguise cartoon face on MSPaint...she's pretty handy with it!

My hair looks sooooooooo good.

I'm not saying I've been drinking, but IF I had been drinking, I would probably want to take this opportunity to tell you at 12:05am that (a) my hair looks so freaking good, I swear to God, it's AMAZING...makes me wish I wasn't anonymous so I could put up a picture, and (b) although I am the worst pool player in America, I made a crazy double shot tonight that made me feel like solid gold.

Solid Freaking Gold people!!

Seriously my hair looks so good.

Hair Repair

You'll all be happy to know that I have an appointment tonight for a haircut, color, and highlights. This is my first step (well, technically I've been going to the gym too) towards reversing the damage the bar visited upon my poor, frail, sad body. It's going to cost me some heavy-duty cash, but it's well worth it in the end. Yup.

Random Observations From My New Life As A Full-Time Adult

1. There is nothing, NOTHING, funnier than a man trying to decide what kind of tampons to buy. Nothing.

2. There is nothing, NOTHING, more terrifying than a client who you have to do work for who only likes one person in the office, and has worked with that person for years, and you are NOT that person. Gulp.

3. My boss signed me up for a golf tournament sponsored by a local law firm who works with us sometimes. This would be awesome if I knew how to golf. Apparently Tiger Woods Golf on the X-box doesn't count as "practice" or "expertise." Who knew?

4. People are idiots and will apparently continue their quest to battle my Mercury Sable when they themselves are driving Yugo's, Ford Focus's, and Chevy Aveo's. Seriously, take your disposable car and get out of my way. God.

5. The one thing creepier than Marie Osmond is dolls designed by Marie Osmond. Or any dolls at all. I hate dolls. I bet you didn't know that about me.

6. I love my job but I'm worried I won't be good at it. I feel stupid all the time, but I guess that's normal. I hate feeling stupid. I think I'm doing a good job so far. They keep letting me come back, so I guess that's a good sign.

7. Frozen lasagna takes WAY too long to cook. I'm hungry now, not in 75 minutes damnit!

8. I love lemon bars. I will make some lemon bars because, guess what? I have NO HOMEWORK tonight, nowhere I have to be, and no one to answer to. Life is good folks.

9. I miss M. She's been away for a little while now for work and I want her to come home soon.

10. Every time, EVERY DAMN TIME, that I stop by the Fred Meyer's near my house, this guy I went on a couple of dates with a long time ago is there. Seriously. Three times in a row now. Does he live there? He needs to take his VW Bus and go do some camping for awhile so I can shop in peace.

As my dad would say, "You gotta be ralphing me!"

Seriously. He does say that. No, I do not know where he picked up such a strange exclamation. It seems apropo here though.

Anyway, the point is that I'm watching this 20/20 thing on Medical Mysteries. There's a guy with no eyesight who uses echolocation to get around. But, sadly, that's NOT the most amazing part of the story. The most amazing part is his mom's name.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Are you ready?

Aquanetta.

SWEAR. TO. GOD.

Say "welcome to the family!"

Meet my new pink cell phone!
There is a very LooooooooooooooNG and involved story as to how this came to be, and I am FAR too exhausted after two very long days at work to tell it to you. But, suffice it to say that my old phone had problems and the only way to get a new phone was to get a family plan so I could get the second phone free. I acquiesced and now my parents are getting my old phone (thank GOD, they need to get with it...I stood at the airport for an hour on Sunday waiting for my mom to find out if she got a stand-by flight because she had no way to contact my dad if she found out she was getting on the plane...no time to run to the pay phone!), and I got a new pink phone. YAY! My old phone is only a year old, but it shuts off whenever you flip it shut...so annoying. Oh, wait, make that a year and a month old, just past the warranty. Of course. Anyway, bottom line is that me and my new phone are going to be very, very happy together. I just know it.

What I learned at my family reunion.

I recently (by which I mean "last weekend") had an opportunity to attend my family reunion. This is interesting (to me) for a couple of reasons. First, I grew up all over the world, moving every couple of years, so I have rarely seen any family outside of my parents and grandparents. My dad's brother visited quite a bit when I was little, but my mom's brother is virtually a stranger to me due to the fact that, while I was growing up, he was experiencing some "bumps" in his life. My mom's brother has two kids, and two stepkids, and I haven't seen any of them in nearly 20 years (my cousins were 18 mos. and 3 y/o at that time). Secondly, I am extremely close to my parents, but, for the reasons above, I am not close to anyone else in my family, including my grandparents or uncles. I always felt like none of my extended family wanted to know me. They didn't make the effort, and I was a kid so I probably shouldn't have been required to make the effort. As a small child I thought we didn't HAVE any relatives, and as an adult, I realize that I have some but haven't been too interested in getting to know people who seemed uninterested in getting to know me.

And then, my mom asked me to go to my family reunion. The reunion was for my mom's father's side of the family. Tragically, my grandfather died when my mom was 19. He was out chopping wood with my dad (her boyfriend at the time), and basically just dropped dead right there in the woods of a heart attack. To hear anyone talk about him, he was apparently a wonderful, kind, and talented man who died way too young after years of suffering from various health problems and not having the resources or education to get them properly treated or understand his role in prevention and care.

On the way to the reunion, my mom told me stories about her dad, and his four brothers and one sister. The boys were all musically talented (as is my mother), and the girl was beautiful but died young of a brain tumor. Her father and uncles would sit in their yard on Saturday nights, around a fire, playing guitars and harmonicas and singing old Glen Campbell and Roger Miller songs, "King of the Road" and "Gentle On My Mind." My mom's uncle even sang for the band at a local dive bar, where he was apparently quite the lothario. Her father wrote songs, and submitted many of them to country music agents, hoping to get one of them recorded.

When we got there, I did not recognize anyone except my mom's brother and his wife. And that's only because they were staying at the same place as us, I have only met him perhaps three or four times in my life before last weekend. Only one of my grandfather's brothers is still alive. As the evening wore on, my uncle, my mom's uncle, and his two sons, all got out their guitars and played old country songs, I even heard some Johnny Horton, which was interesting because I wa raised on him, but I rarely meet people who know of him. It was very touching to get a glimpse of what it would have been like way-back-when.

Anyway, back to what I learned.

Every single person said "You should have known your grandfather! He was such a wonderful man!" I wish I had known him. My dad's father is a nice man, but he was never one to be particularly emotional or to try to maintain a close relationship with me. My mom's stepdad is nice, but I never got to know him too well either. By the time I came along, he had married my grandmother and my mom was never very close to him, so I guess that kind of rubbed off. He doesn't have kids of his own, and I don't think he wanted to, so I doubt he had much interest in being an involved grandparent. My mom's mom was a...um...let's be nice and say, a harridan. She once told my mom that I was her least favorite of the three grandkids. So, I wish I had known my grandfather. It would have been so important to me to have someone in my life who was stable and interested in me in that grandparently way, where everything I did was perfect and wonderful and worthy of praise. I never had a relationship as a child with an adult who accepted my unconditionally, and I wonder what difference that would have made in my life and development.

I spent alot of time talking to my mom's two first cousins, kids of her uncle that is still alive. It was interesting to hear them say "Oh my God, you are SO a part of this family! Your personality and the way you talk and your humor are all so 'this family.'" They (as opposed to my mom's cousins from one of the other brothers of her father) in particular ARE so similar to me, it's bizarre that I didn't grow up around them.

I looked around my family reunion and here's what I saw. Me. I saw Me. I saw curvy women with gorgeous, thick hair, and beautiful lips, who weren't skinny, and laughed really loud and told bawdy jokes and drank beer and teased everyone mercilessly. I saw handsome men who were confident but self-deprecating, ambitious and talented, devoted to their families, down to earth and kind of salty. I saw people who had made mistakes, but were forgiving themselves and keeping their sense of humor.

In short, I haven't spent much time with my extended family, but it was sort of fascinating to get dropped into my family reunion and see so many people who were so much like me, especially personality-wise. Perhaps there is a personality gene? Certainly, I LOOK like my mom, and my mom looks like her cousin and the sister of her father that died young, so I guess the family resemblance is going strong. Upon meeting my mom's cousin, he looked around and commented, "Damn, we got some NICE looking women in this family!" And it's true!

I'm thinking alot lately about the way I look, accepting the way I look (and whether I ever can or will), and now I'm thinking about genetics and how it affects my self-perception. All these curvy women! Am I really lazy because I'm a bit heavier than I'd like to be? Or, is it unnatural to starve myself into submission in a way that is CLEARLY against my genes' better judgment? Certainly, I am heading back to the gym, and I want to be healthy and in shape, but as always, I struggle with when enough is actually enough. Personality-wise, I often feel ostracized here because people in Seattle are so reserved that my percepti0n is that I look like a screeching shrew in comparison. My reunion teaches me that I need to remember that *I'm* not "wrong," I'm just me, in a place where people are different than me.

My family reunion was really powerful to me. I am thinking about alot of things I haven't had time to think about recently, between school and the bar and everything else. I will likely explore this some more after I wrap my brain around it a bit more.

Pack it up, pack it in

Is it time to pack it in? There hasn't been a comment here in days and readership is WAY DOWWWWWWWWWN. I'm guessing that now that I don't have much to write about that is law school/bar exam related, people are defecting to better, more relevant, sites.

I wish I could post more, but I can't. Today was my first day back at work and it was nuts, and only promises to get worse.

I'm not making a threat to quit in the hopes of getting everyone to leave comments and send me emails telling me not to, I'm just saying...I'm strongly considering quitting as I think my time here might be done since it seems that people aren't reading or interacting in the way they used to, which was pretty much the only reason I continued this past year to begin with. I'd like to write more fiction/quasi-fiction short stories and stuff and really start flexing my creative writing muscles, but I kind of think I won't have tons of time which means that posts would be few and far between.

I guess I'll keep on considering.

Overheard at the airport.

My mom has not been on a plane in damn near 12 years. When she met me here after the first leg of her trip, so that we could fly to Spokane together on our way to Idaho, she came up to me in the airport and went, "Oh my GOD! Do you KNOW they make you take your SHOES OFF at the airport???!!!!"

Sigh. She's so genuine and sweet and nice - it's always shocking to me how out of touch her and my dad are with what's going on in the world - they're just wrapped up in their own thing down there in Retirement-Ville.

Anyway, lots of fun family reunion stories, AFTER I get unpacked and put away and all that nonsense.

The blogger is [out]...again.

Yes, it IS 4:45 a.m. God, I love early morning flights.

I'm off to Idaho, back on Sunday night. I've been doing (and buying) lots of fun things here with my D.C. friend which has kept me away from my computer for the past couple of days, but since I start work on Monday, I think I can promise to be a little bit better about blogging starting then. I'll try to take lots of pictures in Idaho - maybe my mom will bring her digital camera since I have no plans whatsoever to haul my gigantic old one out there. Hasta pastas.

What are you lookin' at?

Hell yeah I'm going to bed before 10pm! AND I had four beers tonight. Take THAT! My friend from D.C. is here, and some of my other friends came out...it was fun to see everyone, I got to have beer, and tomorrow I'm going to the zoo. YAY! PLUS, more BEER! God, how could life get any better? Oh yeah, I could force my mom to buy me a massage and a bunch of other shit in resort-town USA this weekend. Oh yeah. Alright, gotta go to bed...a girl need her beauty sleep - especially after the bar exam when I am PARTICULARLY unbeautiful.

Girl of a thousand faces, from a long line of basketcases...

I'm back. I'm exhausted because I drove for 7 hours then went to dinner at my friend's house, watched a movie (sorta) had a lot of wine (definitely) and we both painted our toenails and talked girl talk. It was superfun, but I am SO. TIRED.

Tomorrow morning my friend from D.C. gets into town, so we're going to hang out for a couple of days. I think it will be fun to do all the touristy stuff I didn't get to do the past three years. Hopefully I'll have some time to post as I have lots of things running through my head but no time to write. We'll see. I leave super-early Friday morning for a weekend in Idaho, so if I don't find time to write something in the next couple of days, it will likely be next week. Yikes!

Anyway. I'm back.

First day with my new feet...

Today we went hiking on a nearby mountain...it was gorgeous, as you can see from the "before" pictures. Then, on the way down, one of us was perhaps not as graceful as she normally is (no really...I usually am VERY graceful!), and went tumbling down a little hill on her arm. See the "after" picture. Mama Spatula of course flipped out and was like "Oh my God, we didn't bring you up here to hurt yourself, are you ok? Are you sure you're OK?? There's tetanus! There could be terrible things in the dirt!" Meanwhile, she's hosing me down with her water bottle and pouring that antibacterial handwash crap all over me - all the while fretting over how injured I might or might not be. As you can see from the pic, I barely even had a good scrape! Anyway, we had a good time, and Molly the Satanic Dog, my mom, and I are all exhausted. My dad just left for a 30 mile bike ride, but whatever. He's nuts. He told me yesterday he's riding about 160+miles a week...and while all of us are in OK shape, he was basically jogging to the top of the mountain today while my mom and I struggled in the high altitude (higher than my usual sea level back in the TVPNM). Altogether a good day. Tomorrow I leave since a friend of mine will be in town on Wed/Thurs from D.C., and then I am heading to Idaho on Fri-Sun for a family reunion. Work starts a week from today...frankly, I can't wait for that regular paycheck!

I should mention too that my mom excitedly "let" us listen to the new CD she made off of I-tunes during the hour-long drive to the mountain. Celine Dion, Kenny G, and Michael Bolton were all in attendance. Oh yes.

Yes it's been quite a summer, rent-a-cars and west bound trains...

It's "Lost in the '50's" weekend here in Spatula-berg, Oregon. We went and watched the old car parade - people came from all over Oregon, Washington, and California (and I think I saw a Nevada or two) to participate - there were a couple of hundred cars and they just drove in huge circles down the two main streets of town for two hours revving their engines and letting us peasants drool over some pure American Muscle. Sigh. If I'm ever a rich lawyer - I will DEFINITELY be buying myself a toy - some of these cars were so hot! Anyway, the pics kinda suck because they didn't really stop for pictures and the camera was full of graduation pics so I didn't get to take as many as I wanted to (by which I mean, I used up all the pics before some of the REALLY cool ones came by - Shelby's and Cobra's and SS's...OH MY!), but this is what I've been up to. First we went to Dairy Queen and had soft-serve though. AND, my dad let me take the Z out for a joyride. Damn, it's good to be home. :)