Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Screws just fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.

MSN is at it again with more hard-hitting relationship related journalism...this time it's "Five Ways to Make Blind Dating Fun."

Dating can be hard. Some people even say it feels like a second job and that each date can feel like a job interview, or a chore, if you’re the one asking all of the questions. It can be tough to keep going out, time and time again, with people you are not attracted to or those who find attractive, but don’t call for a second date. What to do?

Well, I know what I would do, but let's see what MSN has to say.

Readjust your thinking. Instead of viewing your outing as yet another date, make it into an adventure. The night has to be open to possibilities. You’ll be amazed at how changing your thoughts helps to change how you feel about a situation. Give the guy/gal a chance, even if they’re boring. Sometimes, still waters run deep. You just never know. Like an old sweatshirt, at times, you just have to let things grow on you.

In the spirit of adventure and open-mindedness, from now on I will think of blind dates as "humans" rather than "open wallets who I will try to manipulate into buying me drinks for as long as possible before I just can't laugh at another blonde joke or look at their Big Johnson T-shirt for one more millisecond." If they are boring I will keep an open mind. Sometimes an open wallet, I mean a human being with feelings and still waters and shit like that, can grow on you...MSN said it, so it must be true.

Do an external makeover. Go out feeling great about yourself, really attractive, smart and sexy. Buy a new outfit. Get your hair cut. Get your nails done. Trim your beard or shave your legs. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel attractive from the outside in.

Make sure to look as good as possible for Mr. Hypothetical Blind Date. After all, judging from past experience, he will either be so totally unkempt and uncivilized that I will spend the entire date thinking about how fast I can escape, or he will be so much more attractive than me that he will spend the entire date being obviously disappointed at being stuck with me and then will pretend he's sick or has to take the Alfa for an oil change and run away as fast as possible. (That really did happen to me...the thing with the Alfa...he was a lawyer too. Bastard.)

Also, one must never forget that there is nothing more important than how one looks on the outside...we're not dating to meet someone nice, we're dating to meet someone who's all costs.

Do an internal makeover. Change how you feel from the inside, as well. Remember, if you’re boring, the date will be boring. If you’re fun, the date will be fun. It doesn’t guarantee a connection, but it does mean it won’t be another depressing night.

If you are a drunk, the date will be drunk...I mean fun...I mean, well least someone might get lucky, right? And nothing is less depressing than a drunken one-night stand with someone you have no respect for and can only fervently hope never contacts you again, ever.

Have an exciting, “palatable” experience. Go to restaurants you’ve never tried before. Eat foods you never tried. Drink drinks you never tasted. Indulge in dessert. Those things will give you pleasure and something to talk about with your date.

"Yes, waiter, I would like 15 slices of cheesecake and a pitcher of whatever my date is having, gotta go big, after all, it's on him...right? Do you serve lobster here?" The cheesecake gives me pleasure and I'm sure the pitcher of martinis will give us something to talk least until the passing out part starts. Although, after the fourth or fifth martini, I cannot guarantee that the conversation will be (a) decipherable, (b) fit for polite company, or (c) with Mr. Hypothetical Blind Date, especially if the waiter is cute.

Try an activity you’ve never tried before or haven’t wanted to do alone. Go hiking, skating, or something that’s fun, regardless of the company.

I think what would be fun and adventurous and out of the ordinary would be if my blind date showed up on time, and then he didn't look at me like I was the hugest disappointment of his life, and took me somewhere besides Chili's (WTF is up with dates taking me to Chili's...god, get some class people...there are other generic American chain restaurants out there! Give Bennigans or Ruby Tuesdays a shot for once, will ya?), and if he bought my dinner AND a drink or two, and didn't try to talk me into having sex with him after we leave Chili's when he has done nothing but ignore me and/or talk about himself all night while simultaneously making sure I understand that I'm not nearly good enough for him.

Remember, you only get one life. If part of yours is looking for a mate, try enjoying the process. It’s what life is all about. Then, no matter what, you win!

The process blows. Duh.
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