Do you ever have a moment of self-conciousness, of complete and utter self-doubt in your own ability to be an articulate and non-overwhelming person, so profound, that for a moment or two you are absolutely sure that you will have a broken personality for the rest of your life, and it makes you wonder how you ever made it this far with any friends or social systems intact?
I happen to know for a fact that I can be a bit...uh...abrasive, when people first meet me. But, in a nice way...not an evil uncomfortable way (at least I hope not). Nonetheless though, I am generally loud and opinionated and funny (I try anyway) and perhaps a little over the top for some people. And suddenly, I am having an attack of "OHMYGOD, I hope that all these new friends I've been making know that I'm just self-conscious and feel weird about my different-ness and my perception of my not-as-cool-as-everyone-else-ness and so I'm babbling instead of shutting up and observing which would be the right thing to do, but I can't stop talking because I want all these people to like and accept me and I CAN'T SHUT UP." This year HAS to be better than last year...my ability to finish law school depends on this year being better -- and so far it is better...and I don't want all the defense mechanisms I put up over the past year or so to defeat my new experiences this year before they even happen.
Repeat after me: I will take time to listen to others and be a good friend and not be defensive because I'm afraid people will attack me first, and I will make a concerted effort to not let my own insanely intense feelings of awkwardness turn me into the kind of rambling moronic weirdo that I despise.
Ironically, this entire post consists of me rambling...believe me, it's not lost on me. I can't even pinpoint what brought this all on, and I'm sure tomorrow I'll look at all this and think to myself what a complete neurotic crazy person I am, but for right now this is what's on my mind. I've been very angst-ridden lately -- perhaps I will take that yoga class.
