Dear Self,
I know today is a big day for you since you are working down at the bike shop and thus have a chance to remind everyone there you are not always a huge, awkward loser. But, sometimes, and I say this with love, you have a tendency to...well, let's say...speak without thoroughly filtering your...uh...well, your entire personality (sorry to be harsh, but it needed to be said). Now, your job today is to sign bike-riders up for the big bike race tomorrow. This is a charity event and these people are giving their money and time for a good cause. Under no circumstance should you do any of the following:
- Crotch-watch. Even if it is right at eye level when you're sitting at the sign-up table. Just look away.
- Make any joke involving booze, one-night stands, lower body (any portion thereof) numbness, or regarding legitimate personal choices related to leg shaving for a small, regional bike race. It's a valid choice. Really.
- Touch any heinie. Even if it's encased in spandex, and therefore "asking for it."
- Ask any rider about their cardiovascular endurance and then wink.
- Use the phrase "If you know what I mean...and I think you do" after innocuous comments by riders...it's seriously not funny. Except to you...and that is not indicative of what the general public may or may not find amusing, as we well know.
Remember. Your dad works there. Please do not besmirch the family name with your lack of impulse control and inability to shut your trap. Do not touch anything that doesn't belong to you. That seriously goes double for heinies.
Yours Truly,
Yourself
