Friday, September 03, 2004 THIS is where EVERY single girl I ever hated in High School went to Summer Camp. It all makes sense now!

I guess kids at the Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts are pissed because the Britster skipped out on visiting them this year. What do you think they do there?

8:00 a.m. Breakfast. The campers aren't actually allowed to eat...they mostly just sit around talking about each other and comparing things they aren't going to eat today.

8:30 a.m. Physical Fitness. Campers may choose from the following classes:
Basic Striptease for 11-13 year olds (Beginner)
Pole-work like a Pro (Intermediate)
Cardio-Backseat Clothing Removal (Advanced)
Spinning (Please remember the required uniform consists of BOTH the kneesocks AND the Catholic Schoolgirl skirt!

9:30 a.m. Group Activities. Campers may choose either a trip to the mall to buy knives to stab each other in the back with later, or a tour of the camp's plastic surgery clinic where they will be able to purchase raffle tickets to win a pair of brand new silicone breast implants (12 and up only PLEASE -- we don't want another "incident" now do we?).

Noon Lunch. Once again, there will be no actual eating but each table of campers will be provided with a waiter or waitress on whom they may practice their diva skills. There is nothing sweeter than the sound of one hundred girly little voices screeching "I SAID NO ICE DAMNIT."

1:00 p.m. Arts and Crafts. Campers will learn the fine art of taking a plain mesh body stocking that can be purchased at any roadside adult novelty shop and painstakingly sewing five sequins over each nipple to make it wearable in public.

2:30 p.m. Lecture: "Low Rider Jeans: They're Not Just For Girls With Nice Figures Anymore" OR "Making Out With Other Girls For Fun And Profit (and free drinks): You Probably Won't Make It Big Like Britney, But Girls Gone Wild Is Totally Doable For Each And Every Camper Here...DARE TO DREAM GIRLS!"

4:00 p.m. Seminar: "Bad Boys: They Might Be Scumbags But That's No Reason Not To Marry One."

5:30 p.m. Dinner. Yeah right.

6:30 p.m. Nightly artistic performances. Each camper will have a chance to show off a routine using the skills they've learned at the Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts. It is not unusual to see five stripteases, three lesbian kissing scenes, two curseword laden vitriolic discourses, and one ill-conceived Las Vegas wedding re-enactment on any given night. Our campers are just little starbursts of talent waiting to be discovered!!
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