News 'O' The Day...aka: I am PROCRASTINATING

The woman who sued the next-door neighbor kids for scaring her when they dropped off cookies and a nice note on her doorstep and then ran away says that she might have to move out of town because her life has been devastated by the incident. By which she means, judging from the article, her life has been devastated because she acted like a melodramatic cranky old bitch and now everyone hates her. Wah.

Also, in South Africa things are crazy apparently...one guy is shot in the penis, and another guy is stripped naked, forcefed cane liquor, and then painted red. In other news, I guess now we know where NDC went for spring break.

Lastly, some deep thoughts from Whorebag Spears-Federline:

Britney Spears has offered Michael Jackson some strange advice to get his life back together - he should get drunk and start a fight in a bar. Toxic star Spears believes Jackson - currently in the midst of a trial - needs to adopt a more masculine persona and get embroiled in a punch-up to help toughen him up, regardless of whether he is guilty or not of the allegations.

She tells American magazine Allure, "If he did those things, I feel sorry for him. I feel
like he probably feels alone, and he needs some help."

"He needs someone to be like, 'ok, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.'

"And if he didn't do those things, I feel sorry for him. Either way, he needs to get in a fight."

Yes Britney, if he is guilty, and a pedophile (not that I think a guilty verdict, or lack of one, has much to do one way or the other with his status as a pedophile, which I feel is pretty concrete, at least in my mind), the cure is probably for him to get into a good bar fight, thus proving he is a child molester with frontier justice on his mind. If he's not guilty, nothing will help him be perceived as more manly than the above-mentioned bar fight. Nothing except maybe getting a nose, or talking in a normal voice, or not being a complete and utter freak of nature. But whatever. Details.

UPDATE: Also, I'm sure that whatever sad, effed up moustache M.J. would grow would totally not scream "I'm a huge crazy child molester!" Uh huh.