Dear Fed Courts,
After a lot of thought, I have decided that I am leaving you. You have never been there for me. You are not interesting, you are not fun, and you are unintelligible most of the time. You do not hold your liquor well. Yellow highlighter makes you look fat. At the end of a long day, instead of being excited to come home and see you, I just want to stop off at the first seedy bar I see, find a booth in the back, and sit at a sitcky table scarred with cigarette burns and dirty words carved by dull-witted drunks, where I can drink watered down Jack Daniels while thinking of all the ways you make my life miserable and how much I resent you for each and every one of them. Sometimes when I think about spending even one more day with you I want to punch myself in the face for ever thinking we would be right for each other.
I never loved you.