Tuesday, August 10, 2004

I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle, against incredible odds.*

Ex Mea Sententia wants to know what to bring to law school. Here's my list of things not to forget. I consider myself an expert since I have (a) completed one entire year of law school, and (b) was not kicked out (or failed out) despite consistent strong indications that I don't actually belong there.

1. A backpack with a special "flask ready" pocket. (If you don't own a flask, SHAME! This is the one I have, you don't have to choose it necessarily, but for god's sake...you need to have one. This is serious people.)
2. Earplugs. Because nothing says "I'm a friendly, not totally socially awkward in an incredibly painful way law student" like a pair of earplugs on a string worn around your neck and stuffed into your ear canals during every single moment you're not actively engaged in kissing a professor's ass.
3. Fruit roll-ups. The big 500-count box from Costco. This should be self-explanatory.
4. A full-size rolling suitcase used as a rolling backpack. I'm trying to be funny, but no less than five people in my school do this.
5. Highlighters. Blue for plaintiff's argument. Green for defendant's argument. Yellow for holding. Pink for rule. And don't forget to underline. Red for statutes. Black for....
6. Tin foil. To fashion a cap. The last thing you want is other people gaining on you by sucking out your thoughts. Law students are wiley like that.
7. Rum. You're gonna need a lot of rum. I highly recommend Bacardi CoCo. Also, vodka...which should also be self-explanatory, especially for those of you who know me.
8. A book of lawyer jokes. Everyone loves a good lawyer joke. If you get called on and have a bit of Socratic panic, a good lawyer joke will always relax the professor. Trust me. As a fallback, read Threadgill v PCC and throw out "probe" and "hole." It gets them every time.
9. Caramel Hershey's Kisses. Nectar of the Gods. Combine with Diet Coke for maximum ecstasy.
10. A subscription to O Magazine. Remember your spirit people, your spirit.

*From The Last Starfighter...which supplied me with one of my first painful preteen crushes. Alex Rogan, I love you!
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