File under "F" for "Fucking Unbelievable"

This article at AskMen.com suggests the six "craftiest" ways to tell your "girl" that she needs to lose some weight. They are so asinine, insulting, and ridiculous that I will go ahead and post them in their entirety (my comments in red) so we can all see what a jackass the guy that wrote these is without even having to click the link:

1- "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you anymore."
Every woman has a go-to getup (Really? God, I must not have gotten the memo, good thing this guy is so schooled in the ways of women). If you don't know it, you don't know her well enough to discuss her flabby stomach (NOBODY knows me well enough to discuss my flabby stomach. Not even my doctor. Just don't). The only thing that could ever change the way an outfit looks is the way it fits. Tell her you aren't sure why it looks odd, suggest a looser knit, and watch her forever skip the nachos with cheese (Or, alternatively, watch yourself never get laid again. Whichever).

2- "I can't get over how fat I feel."
Women have been commiserating with each other for eons about the thickness of their thighs. If you launch a pity-party of your own about how heavy you feel, and let her know at every turn, she'll become fat-obsessed by osmosis (Who doesn't want to date someone that's fat-obsessed? Doesn't that sound super-fun!?). Women have been doing it to each other since the dawn of public washrooms. It's so awesome how easy women are to figure out. Since the dawn of time, we've been exactly the same and will never, ever, ever, ever change, so why bother thinking of them as individuals?

3- "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."
Be careful. Delivery is everything. Pick her homeliest friend and let your most outrageous BS fly (Nothing says "Hey, I'm a trustworthy guy" like BS'ing your girlfriend and picking on her "homely" friends). Pick an attractive pal, and you'll be explaining your wandering eye till you give her a ring (You know how the bitches are...always angling for that ring!). Focus on the improbable target, and she'll be thinking that if you find her bookworm buddy hefty, perhaps a diet should be on her docket. Nothing makes me want to lose weight more than finding out my boyfriend is a misogynistic piece of shit who rags on any of my friends he doesn't consider to be fuck-worthy...usually, right after the breakup, I hit the gym and think about him when I've lost 10 pounds and start screwing a guy 10 times hotter than he could ever imagine being.

4- "I have a new female trainer at the gym."
She'll never suggest fewer trips to the gym, but it will drive her bonkers to think that another woman is spotting your squat thrusts. She'll sign up and show up within 24 hours just to keep an eye on you. Ahhhhh...the sweet smell of trust in a relationship. I love nothing more than a guy I have to babysit 24 hours a day because he can't be trusted to be out in public by himself without trying to bed every woman he meets...well, judging by the article, probably only the thin ones he meets. Fatties need not apply!

5- "The saleswoman said it was for smaller women."
If you want your baby to shed some baby fat, spend a couple of bucks on a nice little fashion piece a couple of sizes out of her reach ("Honey...I got you this sexy man-g-string for Christmas! Well, yeah, it's a large. I know you're not a large! I was hoping that if I got something a couple of sizes out of your reach you could work on the places you're, well, you know...lacking"). If she is thin in your eyes, and the only thing telling her otherwise is a piece of clothing, she'll work morning, noon and night to fit into that cursed thing. So, if she's thin in your eyes, still make sure to give her clothes too small so she'll spend her entire life tortured by the thought that you don't find her sexually attractive or desirable. Boy, that'll be great for your sex life!

6- "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds?"
Let's face it. If you tell your girlfriend to lose some weight, she'll withdraw your all-access pass to her wonderful folds (WHAT THE FUCK?). But an honest commitment to work together to become fitter and shed some unwanted girth can only be met with the excitement that your investment in her is the same as what she is willing to invest in you. This is the only suggestion that is even moderately non-offensive in this entire article.

Losing weight is no small task. Make her sure you're worth it

keep her thin (And isn't this the most important thing...you don't want her ballooning up and embarassing you! If worse comes to worse, you could always tie her fat-ass up in the basement and physically restrict her eating until she loses the weight, and that would probably help with getting laid too! BONUS!)

Remember men, to influence her decision to lose weight while avoiding any sore feelings is to make everything about you (Yes men, please don't forget, for even one moment, that it's all about you!!!). How you feel, what you think, what your opinion is; these are the things that will separate you just enough from the battle that is ultimately hers. The minute you make it about what you think she's doing wrong, you're dead meat, and we're all coming after you.

Weight loss takes time, so be patient. (Yeah, be patient. Just because you've been lying and conniving and manipulating is no reason to get greedy and demand instantaneous results!)

Yeah, so this is basically some of the most ridiculous crap I've ever seen in my life. Thankfully it came from AskMen.com, a site that has no journalistic intregrity or value whatsoever, and I'm pretty sure the author was one of their caveman readers, but God. God.