Wednesday, February 22, 2006

This is depressing. Fair warning.

I want to blog, but honestly, I have nothing positive to say at all. I'm sort of in a funk these days, what with the breakup, the lack of job prospects, stress over the future, exams coming up (oh but never fear, there is still ANOTHER set of exams in the spring), and everything else that's going on. I don't really know why I'm letting all this shit get to me, but I swear, it's awful.

I need to go to the gym, get back to eating healthy and taking care of myself, get back on some sort of reasonable sleep schedule, and start being on top of stuff again. It is very unlike me to let things slide, but I've just been feeling really, well, creepy...for lack of a better word.

It's extremely hard (for me at least), to not know where I'll be living after the bar exam, to not feel like I can get close to people because I'll probably have to move away (I've moved about 20 times already, I'd really like to make some permanent friends!), and to really WANT to have someone in my life romantically, but to not feel like I can even go out and try to meet people because why bother when I'll probably just be moving in a couple months...there's no point in even going there. I'm 31 years old, I'm funny and nice and want more than anything to be in a *healthy* relationship with someone who appreciates me and what I could bring to thier life, but I'm starting to think I'm going to be alone forever. Well, maybe I'll have cats. But, of course, I can't get a damn cat because I might have to move.

See how my life is not conducive to making me feel happy? I feel very lonely. My friends have been great, are being great, but I know that when I sit on the couch on Saturday night alone, and I think to myself "He's sitting on his couch alone too!" it will be SO HARD not to call and say "Hey, we're both sitting around alone, let's sit around together." And if I do that then what I'll be back in is a relationship that is going nowhere, with a guy that isn't right for me, because I couldn't resist the lure of temporary comfort and having a warm body around. I never, ever dreamed it would be this hard for me to resist that, even knowing all I do about this person and our lack of long-term compatibility...I'm shocked. I must have been so lonely for so long, and I had just stopped feeling it, and then someone came along and at least partially filled up that space I had, and now the empty space is all I can think about. It's horrible.

I really want to feel better. Soon.
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