Saturday, February 11, 2006

Oops, I did it again.

Well, I wasn't going to talk about the new relationship on here, but shit, where else am I going to talk about it? Besides, he doesn't read blogs or even have a computer, and he's already heard most of this, so I don't feel too guilty.

Basically I met a guy who I think is pretty nice. There are some major roadblocks to a long-term relationship, including the fact that I have mostly been looking for jobs outside of this city, and some factors in his life keep him pretty much tied to this area. Also, we are, I think, not necessarily on the same page as far as where we'd like our respective future lives to end up, or how we would live our lives if we had the means and opportunity to do so. But, he's nice and funny and smart, and I like him.

The problem of course, is me. It's been nearly four years since I had anyone in my life who even remotely resembled a "boyfriend," and the guys I've dated have mostly been people who I felt were disposable -- if they didn't call I just didn't care. Now, I have become invested. Not in a really major way mind you, but in the past month and a half we've been spending a lot of time together and I have consciously attempted to NOT let my past relationship issues jade me or make my so cynical that I'm totally bitter right from the start. And that's where I think I may have gone wrong.

Because I think I've let this person get under my skin a little bit, and I fear that I am not under his. That is a dangerous position, to be the person who really can't or won't walk away. Or, at the very least, to be the person who's with the person who COULD very easily walk away and not be the least bit bothered. I mean, I don't think he's going to randomly disappear out of my life all of the sudden, or just quit calling me, but I'm scared that I would be upset if he did. I'm SUPER scared that tonight, when he cancelled some plans at the last minute to do something else, my feelings were SO HURT. I'm scared at how much I had been looking forward to spending some time with him, and how easy it was for him to blow that time off for something else without even feeling the need to say "sorry" or "I wish I could be there, but I can't, not tonight." (Although the something else was important and understandable, and we talked all that out -- so that's not really the issue).

I'm going to go out for some drinks with some law school friends, and I'm sure I'll have a good time. But I'm worried. I'm stressed out that I could be getting myself into an untenable position with someone who seems to either have nothing to lose, or to not be worried about losing "it," whatever "it" is. I don't want to keep going along, only to find out in three months from now, when it would REALLY hurt to break up, that this "relationship" was all in my head. That the time we've been spending was only important to me all along.

I feel like crying right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because, it's a minor thing, this not going out tonight stuff. And I don't want to read anything more into it, but I'm really worried that I'm going to get hurt, and I just don't know if I can handle any more of that any time soon -- I finally have felt like I was getting stronger, but now I'm worried that I've jumped from "normal infatuation" to "far too invested in something that is pretty unsure." How do you protect yourself? How do you know whether to let go or not? I just don't know.
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