Friday, January 06, 2006

We've got a piper down. I repeat, a piper is DOWN!

So, I was rereading this post today about Ex#2, and I was laughing and trying to think of some other funny things that had happened while we were married that I could exploit write about.

As I said in the prior post, Ex#2 was pretty funny and had a genuine knack for choosing the most inopportune times to say and do the most inappropriate things. Now, it seems funny. At the time, I sincerely wanted to throttle him at least 50% of the time.

One of the funniest things he used to do was use the word "machine" as sort of, it's hard to explain, but it had the potential to be very funny or very annoying. Here are some examples:

"Oh E. Spat...don't be a boo-hoo-machine!"

"Oh E. Spat...Leroy is a very dumb dog-machine!"

"Oh E.'re looking VERY unhappy-machine!"

"Oh E. Spat...I shouldn't have eaten all those habaneros! My tummy feels yucky-machine!"

"Hey, why are you punching me-machine?"

See, there is almost no rhyme or reason to its use...and I really have no idea what the general rules were. He picked it up from a guy with Tourette's that lived at the long-term care place he worked at in college. Precious though, isn't it?

M. lived with us for awhile and when I told her tonight that I was trying to remember some of the things he used to add "machine" to, she reminded me of this one:

On the inside of a card he gave me for Valentine's Day:

"E. Spat, I love you a lot in my tick-tock machine."

See what I had to deal with? It is so funny when M. and I talk about it now (probably doesn't come through in the writing, maybe you had to be there)...but at the time, oh my God, it used to make me so mad.

Also, whenever I would say something that made him even vaguely uncomfortable or he felt like there would be a confrontation, he would try to joke his way out of it. His all time favorite? "Whoa sister...I am NOT picking up what you're putting down-machine!" I bet I heard that AT LEAST 37 times a day for nearly two years. To this day, I joke all the time with my friends that I'm not picking up what they're putting down. It's stuck in my head for the rest of eternity.

But, perhaps THE most annoying thing he came up with was The Most Horrible Nickname EVER. For whatever reason, Ex#2 decided that my little cutesy nickname from him would be "Hoo Hoo." I don't know why, I don't know how. I only know I HATED IT. SO MUCH. I have a feeling he chose it because it rhymed with "boo hoo," one of his favorite phrases to describe all aspects of human emotion that were not overtly joyous. So, when he REALLY got going, it would be...

"Oh Hoo Hoo, don't be so boo-hoo-machine."

That phrase right there is probably at least 75% responsible for my divorce.

At marriage counseling they asked us each to tell the other what they could stop doing immediately that would help to destress the relationship. I asked him to PLEASE stop calling me "Hoo Hoo" because it just really annoyed the living shit out of me. He asked me to do something which escapes me now, but I think it had to do with nagging him about being late all the time. Anyway, we had to hold hands, look at each other, and promise to work on curbing the behavior the other person had identified as being irritating. We did so, and I left our VERY FIRST counseling session thinking maybe we could work through our issues.

We got in the car to go home, and I said "Honey, I think that went well, I'm going to really try to stop nagging you about being late." He looked at me, put his hand on my knee, and said "Oh Hoo Hoo, don't be so boo-hoo!" Not five minutes after leaving counseling. I wanted to hit him right in the face. I'm sure we probably drove straight home and had a fight.

After about three or four counseling sessions we got the advice I wrote about in the other post, to cut our losses and move on without each other before we spent the rest of our lives in abject misery. About a year after the divorce I started thinking all this shit was funny, and now it'll be four years in February and I think it's funnier than ever. There is nothing like marrying someone and then waking up about a year later and realizing you married a guy whose idea of a great time is getting drunk and juggling knives. I'll never forget him telling me, about a prior girlfriend, "Oh yeah, well SHE used to throw plates in the air in the house and let me shoot them!" Oh! Well, silly me! Carry on then!

Anyway, sorry about that little trip down memory lane...the power was out for about three hours tonight and this is what I was thinking about and talking to M. about.
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