Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Thinking and writing...sort of a "chicken and egg" question.

I am having both writer's block, and too much thinking about things I WANT to write about -- but see, I can't, because...well...writer's block.

I am thinking quite a bit about relationships. I feel like my brain is trying to, I don't know, molt or something. Is that the right word? Like, it's been in hibernation for about the last four years, and now that I am confronted with, not *actually* meeting someone per se, but the prospect that it might be *possible* to meet someone someday, my brain (or maybe my soul? my personality? my heart?), is trying to suddenly assert itself and have something to say. And what it's saying is "You are one effed up broad sweetheart!"

So, I'm going to continue to think, continue to try to write something, maybe, and perhaps continue to ignore whatever that nudging feeling is that says "Wow, you better get ahold of yourself and these issues or you are going to be one very lonely little old lady."

As my friend told me today, I have spent years hating myself, blaming my relationship failures on being not good enough, or too fat, or too ugly, or too annoying, or too "intimidating" and it's probably a little much to ask to grow out of those behaviors and habits overnight. And, as M. said to me this morning, "It's not about whether you respect him. That's not the issue. It's totally about whether he respects you." I don't want a bunch of platitudes about loving myself first, or respecting myself so that others can respect me, or living a full life because that makes people want to be with you when they know you're not needy or whatever. See, I already know all that. I watch Oprah too. What I heard today from my friend and from M. was, "Hey, you ARE taking care of yourself, you ARE a great person, you ARE living a full life, you DO deserve happiness whenever or whereever you end up finding it, but a lifetime of self-hate is not easily overcome, but go you for knowing it's there and trying to work on it." That's helpful, and I appreciate it.
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