Saturday, July 01, 2006

Lemon bars and toilet bowls and total notes.

P.S. - I had to put this at the top because I totally know you don't read all the way to the end of these long-ish posts - there are still LOTS of unclaimed songs on the Ipod meme - frankly I don't think my music tastes are quite SO obscure that no one has ever heard of these songs!! C'mon - you know you want to show everyone what a musical genius you are! Now, on to the real post...

I cleaned my bathroom today. Finally. And, in semi-related news, I'm making lemon bars. This flurry of activity is directly related to the fact that a couple of my fellow Bar/bri sufferers are coming over this afternoon to sit by my pool and do flashcards. I'm most excited about the lemon bars companionship of my friends. I also got my Super Big Gulp this morning. I haven't been getting them every day like I used to because we sit at these long desk/table things in lecture, and I'm afraid it'll get knocked off and land on someone's head/computer/lap/etc. I've been drinking Diet Coke out of the bottle - OK, I suppose, but not the Super Big Gulp. And, lastly but not leastly, someone stole my lunch out of the office at school and I told ex-Roomie I was "totally going to write a total note" and post it on the fridge. She wrote me back and said "I'd love to see what a 'total note' is", here you go...a total note.

Dear Complete and Utter Waste of Human Life that Stole My Lunch,

I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate coming upstairs after sitting in the library, hunched over my books (because unlike you I actually go to school here, you thieving piece of shit) for hours on end, only find out that instead of buying your own lunch, you stole mine. Assuming that you aren't Robin Hood, and therefore did not steal my lunch in order to give it to those less fortunate than yourself, the only choice I have left is to believe that you somehow mistook the law school procured refrigerator for your local Safeway. What gave it away? The long aisles filled with grocery carts and tasty Keebler treats? The cashiers waiting breathlessly to take your money for the food you purchased and sell you a lotto ticket? The free sample lady handing out tiny pieces of buttered toast?

Oh. Wait. You mean you didn't think the fridge was perhaps a strange tiny mini-mart placed into the law school by grocery loving aliens, sans cashiers and aisles, for you to browse in and sample items from at will? Barring a head injury or a severe mental defect, I just can't imagine what would possess you to steal my lunch. I mean...frankly, I was going to eat it! I (unlike you) went to a grocery store, where a disaffected teenage boy with terrible acne took my money, put my items in a bag, asked half-heartedly if I'd like help out to my car, seemed relieved when I declined, and then went back to talking about Grand Theft Auto with his friend. That took time! That took money! That took patience! Patience that I do not have to deal with people who just steal things from my lunch bag willy-nilly in order to stuff my expensive pita chips right down their filthy gullet, all the while probably laughing at me for being so gullible as to leave my LUNCH in the FRIDGE provided FOR THE EXACT PURPOSE of coddling my lunch softly and safely in its loving arms of cool breeze goodness!

At any rate, you wretched excuse for a human being, I sincerely hope you enjoyed my lunch. If there is any justice in this world, you got food poisoning and are right now crouched behind a bush like a dog, clutching your stomach and praying for death. You are, truly, The Suck.

Go To Hell.

E. Spat.
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