Dear Douchebag McDoucherson,
You Sir (or Ma'am, but somehow I just know you're a Sir), are a pig-f*cker. I mean, I was pissed the other day when someone (presumably you) stole my lunch, but this really takes the cake. Diet Coke is like liquid gold to me. I guard my daily Diet Coke more closely than the Mexican restaurant across the street from the law school guards its guacamole, which, from the amount they charge for one small scoop, you would think is made out of crushed diamonds or pure coke cut only with angel feathers and the tears of virgins.
I just hate you so much. Due to your total inability to behave like a normal person and quit stealing shit that doesn't belong to you, I am going to be forced to put my bar studies on hold while I plot my revenge. I am going out right now to buy (another) Louisville Slugger, a jar of honey, trashbags, carrots, matches, cod liver oil, sour cream, and handcuffs. And an armadillo. You better watch your back.