Talk Amongst Yourselves

I need a new computer. My current laptop is an HP that I bought SEVERAL years ago and it is falling apart. It's slow, the keyboard letters are practically all rubbed off, the space bar is broken, the fan is L O U D, the battery is dead so I have to keep it plugged in all the time, and it randomly turns off for no apparent reason, plus I have to have a wireless card sticking out the side. I could probably send it to HP and have more memory put in and get everything fixed, but I think for my convenience and the time it would take to do that, it's probably easier to start shopping for something new.

So, who has suggestions? It needs to be fairly cheap, especially since I will probably get a new one in a couple years after I have a real job. I don't particularly care about gaming or editing music or photos or making movies or anything like that, but I do store a lot of music on it. Mostly I need something for word processing and the internet(s). And I don't want an Apple (sorry AI).

Discuss.

Ass-terisk

On the buses in the TVPNM the transit authority posts poems. Just regular poems written by all sorts of people who live in the TVPNM. Usually they are either terrible, or super cheesy...("Oh you remind me of a starry night my love!"). Today, on the way home from work, the bus poem was called Asterisk. It was about...wait...for...it....

It was all about how a cat's asshole looks like an asterisk.

I couldn't make this shit up.

D'oh.

Coupla things.

1. Walking down the hall this morning, my first year Legal Skills professor sees me and goes "E. Spat?" I turned around and looked behind me to make sure she was talking to me because, geez, that was two years ago and I didn't know she knew my name still. I sort of made my way over to her and she goes "I just wanted to tell you I found your blog this summer and I read some of it." OH CRAP! Then she goes "I didn't get back to the parts about me yet though." OH DOUBLE CRAP! I mean, I definitely went through periods during 1L where I thought I would die in that class, but now I'm going to have to go through and see what I said. Oh man. If she's reading this right now I want to state for the record that I am VERY PRONE to exaggeration and it wasn't me and I didn't do it and if I did do it I was insane.

2. My CrimPro professor uses the word "penetration" probably 50 times during each class. This is going to be an issue for me, because, let's face it, I'm totally immature.

File this under: Mad Skillz

Shout out to M. for directing me to the funniest thing I've seen in a while...How to Survive a Freestyle Rap Battle. Don't even consider going out into the world without this very important skill.

I'm thinkin'...

I've got a lot going on already with school and work. Got my first assignment today and let me tell you, this guy isn't kidding around. He's like "Hell yeah I've got an intern -- get to work!" So, busy. Plus...the whole "someone writing mean things about me" has me down a little bit...it just makes me think about this project of mine.

At any rate, not sure how much time I'll have in the next couple of days...but, I do have something BIG to post very very soon. The long awaited Evidence song. Remember the video? Yeah, like that, only a song written and performed by a friend from class -- it's funny and dirty and it only took about six months for him to get it recorded for me. You'll love it.

Ouch!

Never mind. I had a post up with a link to a post on another blog where someone wrote something about me and my blog that was very unflattering and basically said I was stupid and unfunny (and I almost forgot, "desparate" - good spelling skills, huh?). I took it down because I know there are all kinds of assholes out there and I don't want to give anyone an invitation to try to "out" me and my school. The day this blog becomes non-anonymous in even the smallest way is the day I walk away from it and never look back. I'm sad that there have to be dickheads out there that feel like their job is to try to expose anonymous bloggers -- especially since, if you hate my blog so much, why are you reading it, let alone wasting the precious hours and minutes of your day trying to figure out who I am, where I go to school, and then composing poorly written posts making fun of me? Seriously, just don't read it if you don't like it.

Punch-bug yellow motherf*cker!!!!*

I went to Oktoberfest TVPNM style last night. The thing about the TVPNM is that, at any given gathering, there will be either (a) hippies playing hackeysack and fretting about whether their beer cups are recyclable and trying to figure out a way to reuse the fry oil to power their scooter, and/or (b) yuppies talking about how much they love wine and talking incessantly on ridiculously small cell phones to their au pairs ("Did Dakota and Blake get their soy milk decaf lattes before they went to bed?"). We paid $20 to get in, they gave us a TINY tasting glass (4 oz) and five tokens to turn in for tastes of the different featured beers. I will say there was a pretty freaking awesome selection of beers to choose from...but...the Pilsner Urquell ran out after we waited in line for a half hour, the food was VERY expensive (I paid $20 to get in, I do NOT want to pay $7 for a polish sausage people!), and the people were, needless to say, annoying as hell. The wine-tasting yuppies seemed to have stayed home, but the hackeysack bouncing, overgrown goatee sporting, dirty dreadlocked hippies were out in full force. As were the frat boys. YAY! There were a couple of times I actually thought I had blacked out and woken up in an Abercrombie and Fitch store.

Anyway, we hightailed it out of there after we sucked down our five tokens worth of beer and went to a bar that my friend and I had been to last year and hadn't been back to since. I have to say, I bitched a little bit at first because it's a tiny pub and I thought there wouldn't be any boys there (I was playing third wheel to my friend and her boyfriend). However, we did run into one guy who was pretty cute, plus the place had awesome beer (HELLO Chimay and Aventinus and Delirium Tremens!), so it turned out alright.

It has been a bit of a rough morning, but I think I'm going to live.

I am SO NOT READY for school to start tomorrow. I know that most of you who are in school already started like a month ago, but for me it's tomorrow and I'm not excited. I am super-duper excited about starting work tomorrow though, so I guess that's what matters. I'm rambling now...and not even in person, on a stupid blog. I think that means it's time for my mid-afternoon nap. School and work tomorrow. Geez.

*Screamed by my friend's boyfriend in the car on the way to Oktoberfest right before he punched her in the arm. SO FUNNY.

Mmmmmmmm...beer.

Spending the whole morning shopping for new pants because none of your old ones fit anymore (TOO BIG!) -- FABULOUS!

Coming home to your next neighbor's rock band practicing at full volume -- NOOOOOOOO!

I swear, I hate my neighbors, they are so awful. When they're not playing music as loud as possible, they're playing X-box as loud as possible. I just seriously cannot stand them!

Oh well, I'll soothe my anger at Oktoberfest tonight, woo hoo! It's a beautiful day, no rain, and some good bands (or so I'm told by my friend in the know) are playing. Hopefully there will be some boys. Boys, beers, and bands. What more could a girl want? Besides dead neighbors of course.

Changes in attitude, changes in latitude, nothing remains quite the same.

I'm a free woman! Today I resigned from peer mentoring (or quit if you think it's hard to resign when you don't actually hold a "real" position and there's only been two meetings). It felt damn good.

I'm going to join my friend's group sort of informally and just hang with them, so that'll be good and low/no pressure. YAY!

AND, in an EXCLUSIVE WILL WORK FOR FAVORABLE DICTA ANNOUNCEMENT:

I'm going to see Jimmy Buffett in Portland, OR at the end of October.

HELL YEAH!

If any readers will be there let me know and maybe we can say "Hi." A couple of my friends have signed on to go, and my one friend has family there so I think we even have a place to stay.

Needless to say, I am VERY VERY VERY excited. Very excited. Yup.

Just a small note of thanks...

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to one of my neighbors who, probably drunk off his ass, started retching violently in the courtyard outside my apartment at 5:25 a.m. What a great way to wake up this morning. No really.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

How could Warrick on CSI go and get married???????

I'm with Catherine, it's just no fun when a girl's fantasies get crushed like that. Damn.

I guess it's always hard when the hot guy at work runs off and gets married...sigh. Let's hope there's a quickie Vegas divorce sooner rather than later.

I'm so glad you asked!

OK, no one actually asked but I'm going to tell you anyway. Fitz has a post up this morning answering a reader's question about the scariest thing he's ever seen anyone do while driving. This compels me to tell the story of the scariest thing I ever saw someone do while driving...because if there's a bandwagon, I'm on it baby!

When I was about 22 I had a friend who was married to a guy that worked with my ex-husband. After my husband left me she offered to take me out for a night on the town, to clear my mind (ahem, meet boys and drink) and whatnot. Since she was really my only friend I didn't have too much of a choice and I agreed to go.

This girl was 21 (I think), had a kid and a husband who she hated and, I would find out later, was actually pregnant at the time this incident happened, although I don't know that she knew it yet. She was...um....trashy to say the least.

So, she picks me up at my place and offers to drive, so that I can "go ahead and cut loose." This sounded pretty good to me because I had not really ever been drunk before, but having my husband leave me for his mistress seemed like a good time to go ahead and go there. In our very best hooker-ific clothes we set out for pretty much the most disgusting dance club in the entire city.

As we're driving down the main street in the city, tons of traffic, cops everywhere, she tells me to hand her "her bag." I hand over her purse and she goes "No, no, no, the diaper bag behind the seat." I gave it to her...I didn't think too much of it, most of us probably know moms who keep all kinds of junk in their diaper bags.

She puts the diaper bag on her lap and pulls out a bottle, a knife, a lime, and a tiny salt shaker. She proceeds to cut the lime against the center solid part of the steering wheel while we're sitting at a light and then starts to do shots of tequila out of a baby bottle while she's driving.

I can't even remember what my reaction was. I know I said something like "Oh my God, you can't do that! There's cops everywhere!" And she goes "Hey, don't worry -- it's a baby bottle, I can always just throw it back in the diaper bag, no one would EVER look in a diaper bag!"

Even at the time I was like "Yeah, I'm sure cops have never seen anyone hide something in a diaper bag before." I'm not sure what her plan to deal with the lime, salt shaker and knife was.

Anyway, that's the craziest thing I've ever seen someone do while driving, although my first time in Vegas I saw this chick giving a really old guy some oral pleasure in his convertible while he drove down Las Vegas Blvd. That was kind of weird/icky.

The root of all evil.

Today I checked my checking account online to see if my financial aid had been deposited (thank god YES), and there was the weirdest thing.

A bar I went to in D.C. probably three months ago ran through a charge on my checkcard for $60 last night even though, clearly, I am here in the TVPNM and not in D.C. enjoying their fabulously entertaining nightlife. I called the bank and they said there's nothing they can do until it actually goes all the way through. I called the bar and they told me...

Their credit card machine has been broken since the beginning of July and they are just now getting all the charges from this summer run through the new machine (or whatever).

They are so lucky that my financial aid came through because I was literally down to about my last $50 and their bill might have bounced or whatever it's called when a checkcard doesn't have enough money. I mean, can they wait three months to charge my card?

I'm going back through my account today to make sure it REALLY didn't go through in July, but, it just seems kind of...unfair...that they can come back and start charging your account after several months.

In other news, I am going to complete my one task for Peer Mentoring that I promised to do (create an email listserv) and then I'm going to quit/move to a group with my friends. I don't need all that drama in my life. Please.

There's a few other things going on I will talk about later -- but right now I just got back from the gym and it's Super Big Gulp time...gotta get on that before I die of dehydration (it COULD happen!).

Help!

I am getting these weird pop-ups for dating sites and online gambling and stuff. I've looked through my comments and I can't find any spam, and I don't have any spam trackbacks. Where is this coming from? Is it one of my little site counters or other stuff like that? If you know why I'm getting this stuff PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me get rid of it!

Ways to feel better.

Go to drug store and buy ridiculous and totally unnecessary beauty products.

Go to grocery store and buy frozen lasagna, ice cream, and a magazine full of celebrity gossip. And beer. Duh.

Go running (so as not to feel guilty...see food choices above).

Email all friends and tell them about how many assholes had to be dealt with today and soak up TONS of sympathy, including an invitation to Oktoberfest (the local version...uh...duh again) this weekend.

Make plans for Happy Hour tomorrow with good friends for girl talk and crotch-watching. Yum.

Work on afghan...the Gods of crochet must be satisfied. Or else.

Check email compulsively in case anyone else wrote happy notes of encouragement. Every time one comes in give self virtual pat on back for being so popular and awesome. Good job girl!

Settle onto couch (not in a Nip/Tuck way -- if you didn't see it last night that makes no sense and I apologize) for a night of TV. Mmmmmmmm...cable.

More beer.

I wouldn't say I've been "missing" it Bob.

Apparently it's not the peer MENTEES who hate me, it's the other MENTORS. Know how I know? Because today they called a meeting to tell me about it! Isn't that awesome!?

UPDATE:

Also, the organization that I am PRESIDENT of had a lunch today for the 1L's and guess who wasn't notified OR invited? Hell yeah, I am batting 0 for 2 today.

This is a dark day in the life of E. Spat's self-esteem. A dark day indeed. Maybe I'll finally choose today to start online dating and then I could be rejected by like a thousand people before the sun even sets tonight. COOL.

Oh GOD, that's a good one! *wipes tears of laughter from eyes*

So, and this is the first funny thing, I am the HEAD Peer Mentor for my little group of 1L underlings. BWAHAHAHAHA. I have minions! Well, not really, but it's still kinda funny that anyone would let me be in charge of something like this.

What else is funny? Well, all the mentors only just met today and already some are bitching about the other mentors and how they talk too much about themselves (true) or aren't organized enough (I think this one might have been directed at me). Leave it to a bunch of law students to start bitching on the very first day and, instead of speaking with each other and coming to a solution, going straight to the top and complaining to the poor 2L in charge of the whole program. I swear, this whole mentoring thing is going to be stressful. The whole reason I sign up for it every year is that I feel like I have a valuable viewpoint about law school -- it's OK to stay who you are and to not let everyone force you into a mold of the prototypical attorney...it's OK not be crazy and stressed out ALL the time!

Anyway, we have to meet again tomorrow and who the hell knows that will happen. I just hope that everyone can relax and try not to stress everyone out right from the get-go.

The second funny thing is that, when we asked the 1L's to tell an interesting thing about themselves, one of them said he came to law school to 'become a more interesting person." I swear, I didn't mean to laugh and say "Oh my GOD, that's so WEIRD!" in front of everyone. They all had a good laugh though and I think the guy who said it took it in the spirit with which it was intended - good fun. I'm pretty much the worst peer mentor ever.

Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket.

I had to go to Fred Meyer today (sort of like a cross between Super Wal-Mart and Super Target), and I saw The. Funniest. Thing. Ever.

I was standing in line at the self-checkout (which you might remember I have had a bad experience with before), and, as I perfected my 50-yard stare to try to avoid eye contact with any of the old ladies in front of me who might want to tell me about their creepy grandkids, I noticed the end of the grocery aisle nearest me was the display of all the various boxes of condoms...a surprisingly large array if I do say so myself.

Above the condoms on the top of the aisle wall was sitting a bucket with a bunch of rags and stuff in it and a sign on the outside that said "Wet Spill Cleanup Kit."

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Thank God

The best thing about the Emmy Awards this year is that, with Everybody Loves Raymond off the air (which I gather solely from the comments on the show since I would rather stick a white hot poker in my eye than watch Raymond), we'll never have to see them as nominees for another Emmy Award ever again...amen.

Seriously, "Best Comedy Series" -- Everybody Loves Raymond wins over Arrested Development? Beats out Desperate Housewives? WTF?

On a totally non-Emmy related note -- season finale of "Wanted" on TNT -- really good. That show is growing on me, it appeals to all the things I love in life. There are hot men, who are cops, and guns, and drinking, and cursing, and just a level of general tough-guy-ness that I love. Yum.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda

It occurs to me now, after two hours of TV time, that I should have live-blogged both the Emmys and all the absolutely ri-effing-diculous comments from the E! Entertainment TV hosts.

Star Jones - Totally irritating in every possible way. I don't get -- why do people let her host shows? She's so self-serving and over-familiar with everyone. It's kind of icky.

Julia Depandi - Hates Kathi Griffin and wants to punch her in the face. Poor Julia, she is just so horrified by everything Kathi says that she can barely control herself. I recognize the look because sometimes that's the way my friends look at me when I've been drinking and I start to really embrace my true colors.

Kathi Griffin - Sometimes funny, sometimes not. I liked it when she said Halle Berry was fat and made Julia really angry. Also, when Julia said she had a crush on Jeremy Piven (me too!!), Kathy said first "He hits on everyone so you could totally get him" and then "If you want to date Piven you have to hang out at the strip club night after night after night...you have to want to be part of a six-some." I also like that she said her greatest wish is for one of the beautiful starlets to fall flat on thier face. She elaborated with "And I don't mean just 'trip', I want someone to break a nose!" Hi-larious.

Carson Cresswell - Needs to stay on Queer Eye where he belongs. No one is listening to him anyway, and I just don't trust a gay man with such a bad haircut.

Next year I'm going to remember to do this because these people are insane. Not as insane as William Shatner, but close.

Done.

I just submitted my application to the Honors Program that I'm not naming but that we can all guess what it is. I'm going to resist the urge to go back and look at it because it can't be changed and if I find a misspelled word or a mistake I'll want to shoot myself. So, it's done...time to move onward and upward, there's lots of Honors Programs still to apply to -- God help me.

Note to self: Get off the damn couch you lazy wench.

Oh my God, I have done NOTHING productive for at least four or five days.

My "big" Honors application is due tomorrow, which means that, no matter how much I want to put it off, I *HAVE* to write my little personal statements today. Blech.

Also, since I'm not hungover, I have assigned myself the task of cleaning my place and also going jogging or to the gym or something else active. I just had lunch, and I'm sucking down the last bit of my Super Big Gulp, so once that all settles down I guess I'm obligated to get my ass out of the house and do something before I revert fully back to couch potato status -- I'm already afraid I'm losing some of the great progress I made this summer fitness-wise.

It is SOOOOOO hard to be back here and keep my positive mindset from the summer. I just want to lay on my couch bemoaning the fact that I don't want to go back to school and my lack of anything resembling a love life. But, I'm going to keep on truckin' (funniest saying EVER) and hopefully I can overcome the bad habits that I'm used to here and develop a new, healthier, attitude and lifestyle that will keep me feeling non-depressed and happy with myself. It's really weird being back.

There will be beer! And singing! And...um...drunken singing!

Is it bad that I had SIX vodka sours AND a martini tonight and I am the most sober I've been in three days? It seems weird, but I do love the vodka...I can already tell I'm not going to be hungover tomorrow...er...later today. That's good stuff.

I'm going to try to remember all the funny stuff I saw tonight so I can blog about it later -- one of the best parts of the evening was a bunch of drunken young men (and not hot ones) hitting on women and then handing out business cards that said "You've been picked up by a member of the Canadian Navy." My response? "Uh, Canada has a Navy?"

Anyway, it was a local Irish bar where we had girls night out tonight and the clientele was pretty unique and diverse, to say the least. More on that later. It's 2:20 am -- time for me to get my much needed beauty sleep.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT.

From a guy who asked me to dance.

"I saw you sitting there and thought I'd ask you to dance. You looked like the angriest girl in the bar. You just look...well...mean! I thought if I asked you to dance you'd be less angry!"

So romantic. I always feel a lot less angry when I just gave up ten minutes of my life to dance with a guy who is either (a) having a lot of pity for me, or (b) scared of my anger issues.

You SUCK

Dear Dirty Hippie in the Grocery Store Parking Lot,

When I came out of the grocery store this morning I saw the most horrible thing. A cute furry dog shivering in the parking lot, all alone. He looked so sad and unhappy, I immediately got teary eyed thinking of the poor little guy all alone in the world, standing in a parking lot, probably about to get hit by a car. He was shivering for God's sake!!

So, because I am a decent human being I stopped to see if the doggie had a collar, thinking I would call his owner. Imagine my surprise when the dog actually had a collar! I was so happy! I immediately got out my cell phone and tried to call the number.

When I got the voicemail of the owner I was disturbed, to say the least. It went on and on and on and on. "Hey dude, thanks for calling man! I'm out, like doing some errands and shit and, uh, dude, if you want to talk to me, leave me a message and, yeah dude, I'll totally get back to you later and stuff, dude."

So, I wasn't that surprised when behind me I heard "Hey lady, the dog is fine. He's good." And when I turned around there you were, coming out of the Dollar Store, of course. You had long stringy hair covered by the world's filthiest straw cowboy hat. With a feather. Also, I liked the touch of not wearing a shirt so we could all see your emaciated body and your creepy sharp ribs poking out of your second-hand Army jacket. The person who originally wore that jacket would probably shit himself if he saw it on you. The cut off jeans and flip-flops did a good job of completing the look. Too bad it's about 50 degrees outside.

You don't deserve that nice doggie. No person as idiotic as you should be allowed to have a wonderful, sweet, trusting animal that thinks in its dumb little head that you're going to take care of it and make sure it doesn't get killed by a car in a parking lot.

The fact that you actually HAD A CAR in the parking lot and STILL chose to leave your dog in the parking lot, shivering and vulnerable, just adds the cherry to the top of my sundae of hatred and anger.

Seriously, you can take the time to jauntily position a feather in your straw cowboy hat but you can't manage to put on a shirt? Or, say, leave your dog in the safety of your vehicle? You suck. I'm glad I didn't get close enough to smell you, because I bet you smell like patchouli. Asshole.

Sincerely,

E. Spat.

Kerry-okie

Tonight a bunch of us had drinks at a friend's house and then walked to a local bar where they happened to be having karoake (sp?) night. It was great fun and totally topped off by my friend's boyfriend singing Should I Stay Or Should I Go with her and I having a full on dance party/groupie mind meld in front of the stage. Great fun. Now I'm home and ready to start the real drinking tomorrow night. As if five margaritas and about seven beers wasn't enough. Whatever. I was totally serious about the whole diet/fitness routine starting tomorrow...or Monday...or...you know...whatever.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'll start tomorrow.

Because I felt like such a complete and utter bag of ass this morning, I made a Sept. 16th resolution to get back on the fitness and good eating bandwagon. Today. Or, maybe tomorrow. No, today. I promise. I mean it this time.

Then I went out and bought a ridiculously expensive purse. Because that's how I roll.

What is that pounding? Oh, it's IN my head...crap.

Oh man, I haven't tied one on like last night in a while...jesus. This morning I have been very productive though...I took some aspirin, drank a bottle of water, and watched two episodes of Buffy on cable. It's hard being this ambitious, I'll tell you what.

I had agreed to meet a couple of my friends downtown when they got off work and the bar we chose just happened to be having a charity thing where you bought a calendar full of pictures of half naked firefighters and they were there signing them and whatnot. There was a lot of ogling going on, which was fun...but...I don't know, I don't think we could compete with some of these girls who seem to pretty much be firefighter groupies. It was frankly a little bizarre. In the spring this same bar has an auction for charity where they auction off rugby players -- we're already making plans for that. Yummy.

I have just three more days to complete my MOST important Honors program application...still struggling with the personal statements. If I recover I'm going to work on it today.

Am I Drunk?

Yes. Yes I am. I am very VERY VERY drunk. In fact, I am so drunk that, at a bar tonight, I bought a Firefighter Calendar because the firefighters were there signing them, and I definitely drank a lot of beer and hit on a lot of firefighters.

At the same time, I am not drunk enough to forget that ADVANTAGE RENT-A-CAR DID NOT CALL ME BY 7PM TONIGHT LIKE THEY PROMISED. NO THEY DID NOT. NOPE. NOT EVEN ONE PHONE CALL. I HATE THEM.

Tomorrow I go to a low-key type bar-b-q. Saturday night - WE DRINK! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Woo Hoo

I am back in business -- internet at home!!! YAY! I am so excited to be back in my element -- with the cable and the internet and the Diet Coke and the huge effing mess...it's awesome!

I have to go mail out applications. The thankless work of finding a job never quits. Boo.

Interviews: The Good, The Mediocre and the...um...I only had two

I had two of my three OCI interviews today. The interview for the job I would really love to get went (I think) pretty well. I did forget to ask how long it would take them to get back to me...is there any appropriate way to find that out?

The other interview was OK but not great. For some reason I just wasn't connecting with the interviewer and I think part of it was that he was running about 1/2 hour late and I was just irritated from waiting by the time he got to me. Oh well.

In other news, Advantage Rent-A-Car still hasn't called me back. Monday by close of business my ass.

I can't believe it's already over!

I have been here a week (tomorrow). That means that tomorrow morning I have to get up early and my mom will drive me to the Amtrak station (about 2.5 hours away) and I will head back to the TVPNM. Man! How could it have gone by so fast!!??

I am over 1/2 done with my very first crocheted afghan. When I get home I'll take some pics and post them. My parents just got a new digital camera and it's too fancy for me to work -- my poor little pea sized brain can't handle this newfangled technology and whatnot.

Today I took a 3 mile hike through the mountains with my dad and Molly the Satanic Dog and now I am patiently awaiting the printer which is diligently producing multiple copies of my resume, writing sample and all the cover letters I've managed to get done (not nearly as many as I wanted to!). When I get back to the TVPNM I will take care of copying my "unofficial" transcript and grading policy (damn you people that ask for that -- without it my grades are WAY more impressive!). The stuff I didn't get to this week is mostly all the applications that were complicated in any way or asked me to do anything besides just write a cover letter...as soon as the instructions went past two steps I went ahead and moved onto the next thing. I need to be home to do complicated stuff -- trying to do it here is ridiculous. My mom comes in every five minutes to bring me cookies, the dog keeps dropping her slobbery Carl the Caveman toy on my lap, and my dad is always hounding to me to go for a bike ride/walk/hike/etc. For a small family, there's just peace! Of course, that's what I love about them.

Anyway, I asked Comcast to come hook up my cable modem on Thursday morning, but they haven't confirmed yet, so I'm not sure how that will work out. I will probably have some internet at the school on Wednesday while I'm down there for interviews, so I'll try to update on how they go. The two on Wednesday are both going to be interesting, but the first one is the one I would REALLY REALLY love to get. Of course, it's also the one I have almost no chance of getting -- but I'm going to try to impress them nonetheless. Wish me luck!

The Cover Letter Saga...it goes on and on and on...

Well, I did finish FOUR cover letters today...rather a miracle when you consider what a huge slacker I am. I also finished part one of the dreaded Honors Program two question sucker punch. I totally put together a satisfactory answer for "Why Do You Want To Work Here?" that doesn't include "hot guys in suits" or "it's in D.C. and there's a lot more hot guys in suits there than where I come from." TRIUMPH! Question two, "What's The One Thing You Want The Reviewer To Know About You?" is going a little bit slower. I mean, I am an awesome cook, I know the words to every Jimmy Buffett song ever written and can recall them even while drunk off my ass, I am currently about 1/4 of the way through crocheting my first afghan, and, let's face it, I have GREAT taste in beer. What's not to love??? Oh yeah, also, I would do ANYTHING to get this job...and I do mean ANYTHING. Read into that whatever you would like.

Aside from working on applications (hurry up and give me a job someone, I HATE doing these things!), I dyed my hair (OUT DAMN GRAY!), and am going to the video store soon with Mama Spatula to fetch "Sahara" so that she can moon over Matthew McConaghey (sp?)...her, NOT ME! I don't do stuff like that. Seriously.

Also, got a phone call randomly from an old flame...isn't that weird? Once we confirmed we were both doing good there was a moment of awkward silence and then a promise to "talk again soon" which will probably be in six months. Very strange.

Advantage Rent-A-Car also called me last night, supposedly the manager of the store I was given the shaft at. I don't think they are going to handle this the way I want them to, which should be no surprise at this point. The guy goes "Well, we did offer you a full-size Dodge Caravan, so it's not like we didn't offer you a car!" And I go "Well, Mike, here's the thing. First you offered me a 15-passenger van for over an hour, and then, after I stood there for an hour and a half, was treated like crap by your counter person, and was IN TEARS...and, oh yeah, after the counter lady saw me call Amtrak and make reservations, she offered me a full-size Caravan. So, you're right, I was offered a Caravan. A Caravan that I would have to pay full price for, put gas in, and drive through the MOUNTAINS in. So, no...that was not an acceptable solution to my problem. Mike."

He said he had to "investigat the issue further" and that he'd call me back on Monday. We'll see, but I think I'm gonna get no joy from Advantage Rent-A-Car. Those assholes.

Or are you just happy to see me?

The Scene: Mama Spatula goes to get in the car and all of the sudden springs back up and adjusts something in her pocket.

Me: "What is that?"

MS: "It's a banana!" **pulls banana out of pocket**

Me: "You have a banana in your pocket?"

MS: "Yeah" **said in the same way one would say "Well, DUH!"

Me: "Why?"

MS: "In case I start to have low energy...then I can refuel on the go!"

Me: "Uh...OK."

So, apparently Mama Spatula has taken to carrying bananas around in her pocket. Not a power bar, or a piece of candy, or something that isn't squishy AND smelly -- bananas.

Are we starting to understand how I turned out this way?

Man Down!

If an Energy Spatula falls in an empty forest, does she make a sound?

Yes.

She screams. Real real loud. And then she curses because her new black exercise pants with a hot pink stripe down the side got a rip in them. And then she pretends to be fine because Mama Spatula wants to take her to get a tetanus shot. What bleeding? I'm not bleeding!

I hate fitness.

Real Question this time...

When getting letters of recommendation from former employers, is it OK to just get sort of a generic letter (To Whom It May Concern) that you can send to potential jobs/clerkships/etc.? The example I have is addressed to a specific person, but, obviously, I am going to be applying to a lot of different stuff in the upcoming weeks and months and I think I just need something basic I can send to everyone.

I know one of you knows this. Don't make me call Career Services...in my weakened condition I'm not sure I would survive.

It's Freaky-Naughty

Question:

Could there by anything more awkward than watching Dodgeball with your mom and, when White is caught...ahem...fondling a slice of pizza...having your mom go "Gosh, I don't really understand why he had that pizza in his pants like that? That's not funny...it doesn't even make sense!"?

Answer:

No. Not since that time we watched Grease together and I finally realized that John Travolta was saying all the chicks would "cream" for greased lightning. I always thought that was an innocent movie about a boy and his car. Yeah.

In other news -- I just got back from a 90 minutes deep tissue massage so I have to go kill myself now in order to stop the pain. Or else maybe watch some TV and think about all the cover letters I didn't write today.

Why do I want to work here? Uh.....

I have spent, literally, HOURS working on my statement for a certain Honors Program application that is due next week which contains the following question: Why Do You Want To Work For This Place? (We won't even go into the last question which is "What's the one thing you want the reviewer of this application to know about you?" I HATE HATE HATE that question!)

I mean, I don't know if I have writer's block or what the hell my problem is, but I will write two paragraphs and then erase, two more, erase, two more, erase...ad infinitum.

Should I say it's the challenging nature of the work?

The wonderful opportunities for mentoring?

The ability to combine my past career experience and my legal education and start a new career that is perfectly suited for me?

The fact that, well, I just like it there????

WAHHHHHHHHHHH!

I swear, I keep waiting for my fairy godmother to come down from on high and scream at me "E. SPATULA -- USE YOUR WORDS!"

Why can't I do this? It's due in 7 days!!!!!!!!! Oh my GOD, panic!

In other news, I am learning to crochet these cool squares to put together to make an afghan...I finally made one last night that actually turned out square -- pictures to follow at some point. In the meantime, I have still about 20 cover letters to write, applications to mail/email/fax off, and this one application to finish -- the most important one -- the one I REAAAAALLLLY want. I'm getting a massage today, maybe it will align my chakras or something.

Buy a mug...help rescue an animal!

Here it is, the official Will Work For Favorable Dicta CafePress Store. Enjoy...and if anyone orders anything, let me know how it is...I'm very curious!

All proceeds through the month of September will be donated to the ASPCA Disaster Relief Fund to help with the rescue and care of animals left homeless by Hurricane Katrina and the reunification of pets and owners. Thanks!

Pepe LeMolly

Picture Molly the Satanic Dog frolicking along the golf course, enjoying her walk, sniffing trees, peeing on the fairways, maybe even sampling a delicious cat turd.

Now picture Molly the Satantic Dog walking behind a tree and getting a full frontal skunk spray from...well...let's call it POINT BLANK.

Now picture the entire Spatula clan standing in the driveway for two hours trying to deskunk Molly (and my dad who had to carry her home) with various potions cooked up by my mom from her gigantic Book 'O' Livin' in the Wilderness.

Domestic bliss I tell 'ya.

Leaving on a jet plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane

I would just like to state, for the record, that I am the worst effing suitcase packer EVER.

On the way here, my suitcase was .4 pounds below the weight limit, and what have I been doing? That's right...shopping! Meanwhile, the 50 pounds of crap I brought with me is mostly stuff I never wore, or really even looked at in a week. You would think the military would have taught me better than this, but, no.

M.'s plane leaves at 7am tomorrow so even though mine leaves much later I am going to the airport with her at the crack of dawn and I will be trying to get on an earlier standby flight. Traveling and packing is what makes a vacation seem like work, especially after the nightmare of a flight I had on the way out here.

Tonight we're going down to the Strip to perhaps see a show and do some drinking. I guess I'm not going to get to see American Storm, which is the one thing I really wanted to do here -- an excuse to come back I suppose. Hopefully we'll have a good last night and it won't leave me in a state of ickiness tomorrow morning that is incompatible with traveling. I hate that.

So, this is the last post until at least Monday. I don't have internet hooked up at my apartment yet (turned it off this summer), and I will be driving home to my parent's house all day Monday -- but if I get there early enough I will probably have some kind of good traveling story to post (or not...but I'll post it anyway and you can just pretend it was good).

I'm going to go try to finish packing, God help me. I've been watching the news about the Gulf Coast, and my heart just aches for those people -- it's horrible to watch. Today they showed a bar in Biloxi that I used to hang out in when I was stationed there for a couple months during my Air Force training, and it was just a pile of broken wood and a knocked down sign. The situation in New Orleans is heartbreaking, I just cry every time I see those people and what they're going through. I'm praying for them, and I know we all are...I hope that some supplies get there today.

I'll be back live from Oregon on Monday.

Blllllleeeecccchhhhh...

Oh my GODDDDD...all I have done for DAYS is eat! I feel so disgusting!

I never thought I would say this, but I can't wait to get home and back to getting regular exercise. I really felt like this summer I started to feel SO much better, physically and mentally, and after a week of sitting around doing nothing but eating I just feel gross. YUCK!

I'm getting excited to see my mom and dad and Molly the Satanic Dog...I wish so much they lived closer to a real city so that there would at least be the possibility of a job there after graduation -- but, alas, no. On the other hand, everywhere I'm applying for is far away, so I guess I haven't been looking too much in their area -- maybe I just need to try harder.

Are you guys still reading?

I wonder if my semi-erratic posting of late has driven away the regulars?

The people that I associate with being the original readers of this blog I don't think read it anymore. There are, of course, new readers, and some of the old readers are still around, but it's interesting that I don't feel like I know who I'm writing for anymore. I used to know everyone and talk to them all on email and even some by phone, but now it seems like they aren't really around and it's sort of discouraging. Am I boring? Am I not doing my blogging job? I think it's obvious that I've been traveling and living out of suitcases and just feeling very frazzled and stressed out and harried lately, and it affects my level of concentration as far as writing and posting stuff, but I hope some or all of you are still out there. I promise it will get better! And soon! I miss writing about my life and I miss sitting down and making time to post, I just haven't been up to it lately with all the stuff going on.

Anyway, hang in there readers who are left, I promise that the content around here will be up to it's usual marginally better than rock-bottom quality soon!

Diet Coke IS my middle name!

See below for the history of how I came into possession of all this crap. I heart Diet Coke. And I really REALLY mean it!

I heart aspartame.

I have been trying all morning to upload a picture of all the Diet Coke shit I bought at the World of Coca-Cola store last night, but I think dial-up is foiling my efforts. Damn you AOL! I will keep trying!

I got new Diet Coke socks because my old ones were totally falling apart, a light up Diet Coke pen, a GIGANTIC Diet Coke insulated cup/mug/thingie, and a Diet Coke magnet. This buying streak PALES in comparison to all the crap I bought at Margaritaville. I'm on a bit of a binge I'm afraid.

I also bought a REALLY cute dress for my friend's wedding on Sunday, and I think that I'll be able to wear it to work as well since it's kind of low-cut but in a way that can be disguised for work purposes (or not depending on how hot the boys there turn out to be). I'm excited because M. helped me pick it out and so I know she wouldn't lie and tell me it looks good if it sucks.

Anyway, hopefully a pic of the Diet Coke stuff will be forthcoming, we'll see if AOL wants to cooperate later. I have LOTS of stuff to talk about that I've been thinking about, but every time I write anything good (or put any effort whatsoever into a post), I get disconnected and lose all my work, so I think I'll wait. I'm kind of getting excited about school starting though, mostly because I'm so into my job and can't wait to go back to work.

I'll post at least once more before I leave Las Vegas.