Dear Dirty Hippie in the Grocery Store Parking Lot,
When I came out of the grocery store this morning I saw the most horrible thing. A cute furry dog shivering in the parking lot, all alone. He looked so sad and unhappy, I immediately got teary eyed thinking of the poor little guy all alone in the world, standing in a parking lot, probably about to get hit by a car. He was shivering for God's sake!!
So, because I am a decent human being I stopped to see if the doggie had a collar, thinking I would call his owner. Imagine my surprise when the dog actually had a collar! I was so happy! I immediately got out my cell phone and tried to call the number.
When I got the voicemail of the owner I was disturbed, to say the least. It went on and on and on and on. "Hey dude, thanks for calling man! I'm out, like doing some errands and shit and, uh, dude, if you want to talk to me, leave me a message and, yeah dude, I'll totally get back to you later and stuff, dude."
So, I wasn't that surprised when behind me I heard "Hey lady, the dog is fine. He's good." And when I turned around there you were, coming out of the Dollar Store, of course. You had long stringy hair covered by the world's filthiest straw cowboy hat. With a feather. Also, I liked the touch of not wearing a shirt so we could all see your emaciated body and your creepy sharp ribs poking out of your second-hand Army jacket. The person who originally wore that jacket would probably shit himself if he saw it on you. The cut off jeans and flip-flops did a good job of completing the look. Too bad it's about 50 degrees outside.
You don't deserve that nice doggie. No person as idiotic as you should be allowed to have a wonderful, sweet, trusting animal that thinks in its dumb little head that you're going to take care of it and make sure it doesn't get killed by a car in a parking lot.
The fact that you actually HAD A CAR in the parking lot and STILL chose to leave your dog in the parking lot, shivering and vulnerable, just adds the cherry to the top of my sundae of hatred and anger.
Seriously, you can take the time to jauntily position a feather in your straw cowboy hat but you can't manage to put on a shirt? Or, say, leave your dog in the safety of your vehicle? You suck. I'm glad I didn't get close enough to smell you, because I bet you smell like patchouli. Asshole.
Sincerely,
E. Spat.
