First day with my new feet...

Today we went hiking on a nearby mountain...it was gorgeous, as you can see from the "before" pictures. Then, on the way down, one of us was perhaps not as graceful as she normally is (no really...I usually am VERY graceful!), and went tumbling down a little hill on her arm. See the "after" picture. Mama Spatula of course flipped out and was like "Oh my God, we didn't bring you up here to hurt yourself, are you ok? Are you sure you're OK?? There's tetanus! There could be terrible things in the dirt!" Meanwhile, she's hosing me down with her water bottle and pouring that antibacterial handwash crap all over me - all the while fretting over how injured I might or might not be. As you can see from the pic, I barely even had a good scrape! Anyway, we had a good time, and Molly the Satanic Dog, my mom, and I are all exhausted. My dad just left for a 30 mile bike ride, but whatever. He's nuts. He told me yesterday he's riding about 160+miles a week...and while all of us are in OK shape, he was basically jogging to the top of the mountain today while my mom and I struggled in the high altitude (higher than my usual sea level back in the TVPNM). Altogether a good day. Tomorrow I leave since a friend of mine will be in town on Wed/Thurs from D.C., and then I am heading to Idaho on Fri-Sun for a family reunion. Work starts a week from today...frankly, I can't wait for that regular paycheck!

I should mention too that my mom excitedly "let" us listen to the new CD she made off of I-tunes during the hour-long drive to the mountain. Celine Dion, Kenny G, and Michael Bolton were all in attendance. Oh yes.

Yes it's been quite a summer, rent-a-cars and west bound trains...

It's "Lost in the '50's" weekend here in Spatula-berg, Oregon. We went and watched the old car parade - people came from all over Oregon, Washington, and California (and I think I saw a Nevada or two) to participate - there were a couple of hundred cars and they just drove in huge circles down the two main streets of town for two hours revving their engines and letting us peasants drool over some pure American Muscle. Sigh. If I'm ever a rich lawyer - I will DEFINITELY be buying myself a toy - some of these cars were so hot! Anyway, the pics kinda suck because they didn't really stop for pictures and the camera was full of graduation pics so I didn't get to take as many as I wanted to (by which I mean, I used up all the pics before some of the REALLY cool ones came by - Shelby's and Cobra's and SS's...OH MY!), but this is what I've been up to. First we went to Dairy Queen and had soft-serve though. AND, my dad let me take the Z out for a joyride. Damn, it's good to be home. :)

The blogger is [out].

I need to get out of town for a few days and just relax, so I'm going home to Oregon until Tuesday. My mom is going to get me an appointment with her massage therapist, I'm going to do some shopping, my mom will probably wash my clothes and iron my sheets and take care of my cold. I just need some time away to unwind to preserve my mental health, so I'm going to take it.

I'll be back on Tuesday.

I'm not dying, I just don't have anything good to do.

I survived both the PR portion of the bar (a couple of the questions though...YIKES!!), and the drinking (LOTS of beer). However, I have come down with a pretty awful cold - guess that's what I get for not getting enough sleep and not eating right and running myself down and then sitting in a room with 600 people who are probably crawling with icky viruses and whatnot. I thought I was having problems because of the A/C in the hotel room, but after coughing and sneezing all night, and waking up this morning feeling fairly miserable, I guess it's not. I'm going to go to the grocery store and get some medicine and lay on my couch all day. I MIGHT do laundry if I'm feeling particularly motivated. And you know what? I don't HAVE to do anything today if I don't want to! I don't have any homework, any bar review, I'm not supposed to be learning, reading or memorizing. I can watch Lifetime Movies all day, secure in the fact that the only guilt I have to feel is the guilt related to liking Lifetime Movies.

Anyway, I'm off to get my Diet Coke and some drugs, hopefully I won't be felled by a simple cold after surviving the bar exam.

I am. SO. Tired.

I went to be around midnight after trying to shovel some PR into my head and writing some practice essays to get used to the space requirements. I woke up at 4am with a terrible sore throat (I don't think I'm sick, I think it's the gross A/C in here that looks like it should be called the Toxic Spore Spewer of Doom), and then I couldn't go back to sleep because my brain forced me to lay away and remember all the issues I missed on each exam over the past two days. Homestead Exemption? Yup, I forgot it. Appearance of Fairness Doctrine? Yup. Intervening and Supervening (at all...not even a definition in two Torts problems)? Yup. God, I really hope I pass, I don't think I could go through this again. I didn't really beat myself up too much during Bar/Bri and stuff, but I think my time will be kicking myself for the next two months about how I am probably going to fail by just enough of a margin to make those couple of days I took off seem like the worst idea on the planet. Oh well.

I ran out of Diet Coke (horrors!), so now I have to drink a Diet Pepsi this morning (it's all the hotel has). Yet another reason I can't wait for this to be over. Mmmmmmmm...beer.

Anyway, lest you all think I am a harbringer of doom, congrats to everyone finishing today, including all my blog and real-life friends, and especially my gang of study-pals out here and the GK in Alaska. We're done!

I can out-ethical you any day of the week.

Tomorrow is PR - 6 essays and drunk by lunch. WOOHOO! Today was awful, I really don't want to talk about it except to say that over and over again everything Bar/Bri predicted for us has proven to be untrue as far as what will or won't be tested, and I got screwed a couple times today. Oh well, we'll know in October. yay.

Gotta go do PR essays and get used to having half the space of the substantive essays. Probably back on Friday unless there is drunk blogging tomorrow, but since it will be hard to write if I'm passed out in an alley, I wouldn't hold your collective breath.

The Bar so far...

I just don't understand why they won't let me have my Diet Coke. If I fail it will be because of the no-Diet Coke rule. Mark my words. I smell an Equal Protection challenge. Diet Coke is my fundamental right. Set my Diet Coke free...see how it's all glowy and beautiful? See how I'm crying? Tomorrow I will find a way. Mark my words.

I'm taking the bar exam.

Off I go to check into my hotel. The bar starts at the ass-crack of dawn tomorrow, and I supposedly have wireless at the hotel, so providing I don't kill myself either in the convention center or afterwards, I will try to update. Otherwise I'll talk to you all on the otherside (i.e.: expect drunken posting on Thursday if I still have the ability to type - which is doubtful. i.e.: expect posting on Friday night when I finally wake up).

Later gators.

Winner of the Most Obvious Meaning of a Dream Award? ME!

Last night during the approximately three hours that I actually slept I had exactly one dream that I can remember. Why don't we all take a stab at interpreting it.

First, I was in a swamp taking some kind of tour. Then, as I was walking on all these dock things across the swamp, I looked down and realized that some of the "docks" were actually the backs of alligators. As soon as I realized this, they started coming alive, rolling and roaring and just generally trying to get me to fall into the water so they could eat me. So I would run and just when I would think I was safe, I would be either on or near another huge alligator.

Ad infinitum.

Hmmmm...maybe the alligators are my conflicted feelings about my father, and the fact that they're trying to eat me and I can't get away is my fear of starting my new job full-time? Oh...uh...wait. Maybe I'm a tiny bit anxious about something else. I'm off to school...one more day of studying. I laid awake for two hours last night (well, early this morning) because it was too hot to sleep and I couldn't remember "judgment as a matter of law."

Also, and perhaps saddest of all, I wrote this entire post having to go back after every sentence and put two spaces because I've trained myself to only put one space after each sentence for my bar exam answers since it saves space out of my character count. See how this is ruining my life?

Yeah. Um....yeah.

Wow, I have to go to sleep so I can wake up and get one more day of studying in. Still lots of stuff I either don't know or feel like I don't know. Where did all the time go? I need another week! TWO WEEKS! OK, three days! Just three more days! I'll clean my room and giveuptheboozethistimeireallymeanit.

Anyway, it's a billion degrees in my apartment but I need to pack for tomorrow and try to get some sleep so I have a prayer of being semi-productive tomorrow. Yikes. One more day.

Walking on the sun.

It's gonna be another hot one today folks. What can I say? I'm BEYOND THRILLED.

I have to go to the library so I can sweat my ass off for the next 8 or 9 hours. I still have to figure out what I need to take to the bar and pack and everything...we're supposed to bring a "bag lunch" both days - what the hell should I pack that will stay good as it sits in the (possibly not air conditioned) room for a few hours before I get a chance to eat it? Guess it's gonna be PB&J or something.

I am reaching my mental limit. I need this to be over, I feel like in the last three years all I've done is think about law school, prepare for law school, worry about law school...even in the summers I knew I had to come back and go through the whole process again. After this, aside from worrying about the results until mid-October, this will all be behind me. And it can't happen a moment too soon.

Holy shit...the bar is almost here.

Tonight we went to Starbucks for awhile (sweet blessed air conditioning), then decided to go to one of our fave bars that has an outside patio, where we spent about four hours, and a couple of pitchers, doing flashcards. The thing I hate about the bar is that just when I start to think I can remember CrimPro, or CivPro, or Property, I remember that there are 18 other subjects that I need to remember simultaneously. And then I cry. Well, figuratively speaking. I cry on the inside. On the outside I act cavalier about the whole thing, drink beer, and pretend like I'm not worried and that everyone telling "Oh, you seem so sane about the whole thing, you'll definitely pass" doesn't bug the shit out of me.

In the meantime, I have lost all patience for the rest of humankind, and heaven help people who impede my progress in driving, grocery shopping, or any of the other nudgie human tasks that we must do each day - I feel like a homicidal maniac every time someone wastes my sweet, sweet time.

It's 10,000,000 degrees in my apartment, but I guess I should try to go to sleep anyway. I am excited about the hotel that we're staying in for the bar just for to sole reason that there will be air. The lesson here? Don't count your A/C before it's saved by two birds in a bush. Or something.

It's as hot as two rats f*cking in a flannel sack.

No one here has A/C. Normally this isn't an issue as it rarely gets above 80 and it gets cool at night, so no worries. However, yesterday it was 94 and today it must be over 90 at least already. Which means that it is approximately 800 degrees in my apartment, at the school, and at every store and shop I have any reason to go into. All you can hear is the whine and hum of millions of fans and the sound of people sweating. I mean, I used to live in Texas. And Florida. And Alabama. And even Mississippi. But, there you can just go in somewhere there's A/C, and here no matter where you go it's horrible. Pant Pant Pant. I'm dying over here.

So sue me!

I took the morning off. God, I really needed it. REALLY. I didn't get out of bed until 10:15, and then all I did was finish a book I've been reading (The Sex Lives of Cannibals...I really enjoyed it). Now I'm going to go get my Diet Coke, pick up the Ex-Roomie, and spend the rest of the day in the library. But, at least I had a couple of hours to relax. At some point I have to get my computer all ready, and make sure my stupid disk drive works with Exam Soft and all that. And pack. I bought some new black sweatpants from Lucy to wear during the first two days. They are so soft and comfortable...they're the best. I'm also considering trying to corral someone into seeing a movie tomorrow night. I need me some Johnny Depp. I doubt it'll happen though, I'll probably have to wait until next week and go alone. BOO!

Let's play a game.

True or false? I have had nearly an entire bottle of wine tonight?

Also, the same friend from last night, who is being so funny these days, tried to give the Ex-Roomie a hint about trespass to land (Ex-Roomie was searching for the word "invasion" and the other friend [who I'm not sure I am allowed to identify by name or initial] kept telling her "It's like aliens, think of aliens," which was totally not working). So, Ex-Roomie is going "What about aliens? I don't get it!" And I'm drinking wine and going "What is 'my ass is sore' for $200 Alex?"

Anyway. If you haven't talked probing, aliens, torts and wine in one night, you just haven't lived. I highly recommend. We have noticed some of our friends are starting to come unglued. The bar starts on Tuesday. I'm glad we're almost done. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, I don't feel healthy because I've gained weight and feel disgusting, and I just want my life back. I never thought I'd look so forward to going back to work.

I have started thinking lately alot abou the military and my experience in it. I might try to write more later, but think about this fellow bar takers. Officer Training School is much like preparing for the bar exam in that it is physically and mentally taxing (and costs a lot of money - probably $1500 for uniforms alone). Now, think about doing bar review with 12 people you've never met, and you all have to live together and you can't go anywhere unless you can all agree on where to go and go there together, and you can't leave your rooms until you all synchronize your appearance (sweats and t-shirt? shorts and sweatshirt?), and you will definitely be stopped no matter where you're going and harassed which will inevitably eat up at least an hour, thereby making you late (and probably in the wrong uniform) for everything else. Believe me, it's so much worse. This is why it's my theory that I'm not as crazy as some other people - at least no one is forcing me to standardize my appearance, have room inspections, march perfectly for two hours to get my lunch, or do remedial physical conditioning, or ask for "permission to pass" everyone I see in the hall so it takes three hours to go to the bathroom.

See, it could be worse.

It isn't a bone at all, it's a muscle.

The Scene: Studying CivPro flashcards at my house tonight.

The Question: "What are the three methods of personal service?"

The Answer: "Ummmm...first, is...uh...hand service?"

The Response: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I feel nice, like sugar and spice!

In a rare moment of non-melancholi-ness, I actually feel semi-victorious this morning as I wrote three essays in three of my most hated subjects (CivPro, Evidence, and ConLaw), using the actual time limits/character counts for the bar, and didn't do TOO horribly. Believe me, I have a lot of improvement that could stand to happen - especially as I SOMEHOW couldn't remember the freaking rule on FREE SPEECH during my ConLaw essay...D'oh! But, I got through all three and they aren't as bad as I would have feared, so I guess I'm going to keep practicing and put off hari kari for another day or so.

I'm going shopping at lunch with Ex-Roomie. Because that's how we roll.

In other news...it could be so much worse.

A - Anthrax
B - Blindness
C - Colostomy Bag
D - Death Penalty
E - Electrocution
F - Fiery Death
G - Gas Leak
H - Hit by a bus
I - Incontinence (with Impotence a close second)
J - Jungle Bugs (followed by Jock Itch)
K - Kidney Stones
L - Locusts
M - Mangled
N - Never gonna look the same again (this is when we started to get punchy)
O - Oozing orifice
P - Public Humiliation (although this could relate TO the bar exam)
Q -
R -
S - Suffocation
T - Trapped in a whale
U -
V -
W -
X -
Y -
Z -

I knew it all along!

Over at Anonymous Law Firm they have e-cards for the bar exam. They say:

"Anonymous Lawyer wishing you luck on the bar exam. Because it's not just a test of legal knowledge. It's a test of your value as a human being."

C'mon...it's kinda funny.

The games people play.

My fellow studiers and I have started a new game. We're calling it "A-Z things that could happen to me worse than studying for (or sometimes failing) the bar." Then you name things in alphabetical order than are worse than what you're doing right now that make you feel better.

A - Anthrax
B - Botulism
C - Cancer
D - Death
E - Embolism
F - Food Poisoning
G - Gangrene

The list goes on and on...it's literally infinite. It's a great game. I highly recommend. But, then again, I'm kinda drunk, so maybe you shouldn't trust me. I can tell you the Frye test for Expert Testimony though...yeah, we're the only state without Daubert. I can also recite an entire paragraph about personal jurisdiction as well as an entire paragraph about what makes an instrument negotiable. Take that.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "No more f*cking ABBA!"

The thing is...flashcards are WAY better over beer.

I'm not drunk, I'm pre-funking for the bar exam.

We've got a thing that's callllllllllled...Radar Love.

Only, maybe courthouse love.

I love reading the CL Missed Connections - I don't know why. No one is ever really looking for me (although someone was once looking for a friend of a friend, and when I sent it to her she was like "Oh my God, I remember that guy, he was SOOOOOO creepy" - see rest of this post), but for some reason I like them. I used to like them more until someone posted this big thing once about how now stalkers are using the Missed Connection forum to find the people they are stalking - they pretend they are looking for an old friend, and then one of the person's dumbass friends emails the stalker with all the info...and VOILA...instant stalker gratification. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Are you lookin' at ME?

BEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Uh. Yeah. Ms. Spatula? Yeah. This is Jane from your apartment complex? I just...uh...wanted to...uh...let you know that...uh...we were doing a walk-through of the grounds today...and...uh...I need to ask you to get rid of the...uh...trash and...uh...debris on your porch? Well, and...um...I need you to do that...because...uh...well...I would...ummmmm...REALLLLLY hate to have to give you...uh...10-days notice. So. Yeah. If you could...uh...pick up that trash. Yeah.

***************************************************************

Sadly for Jane, I am filled with aggression, have achieved something approximating minimal competence in Landlord-Tenant Law, and have nothing better to do than plan what I will say when I call her back in the morning. They want to give ME 10-days notice? For trash that isn't even f*cking mine? Did anyone on this so-called expedition of the grounds bother to effing look up and see that, HEY GUESS WHAT???, the neighbors DIRECTLY ABOVE ME have about 10 pots balanced precariously on the ledge of their balcony and, HEY GUESS WHAT???, the "trash" and "debris" on my "porch" is actually, HEY GUESS WHAT???, potted plants that seem to have somehow mysteriously fallen RIGHT OUT OF THE F*CKING SKY! Wow!!! It's a MIRACLE!

Needless to say, I was thrilled to come this evening and spend a few of my precious minutes picking up my neighbor's trash. No one bothered to even call and ask if it was mine before making what is essentially a threat over THREE POTTED PLANTS that CLEARLY came from the neighbor's balcony. Jesus! Oh yeah, if I don't make this girl cry tomorrow I will give you a dollar. Really. OK, not really.

In other news, I bought flouride rinse. Dental health is so important, don't you think? It's right up there with penmanship. PENMANSHIP COUNTS DAMNIT! As an aside, thank GOD I can type the bar exam.

Also, watch the Hearsay Video. It will make you happy. Don't forget the sound, or you won't remember the song when you're taking the bar.

I talked to Guacamole Kid tonight. He's doing good, still studying for the bar aboard his boat. He was a little tipsy and I was jealous. He's up there with his family, doing what he loves, studying for the bar knowing that he's still out earning a living, enjoying the beautiful Alaska summer, and drinking beer. That lucky bastard.

I'm reaching panic stage. As in...HOLY CRAP, there is NO WAY I know enough to pass, no way I'm going to learn the rest by next Tuesday, and no way that I can write 24 essays in 2.5 days on all these subjects (most of which I didn't have in school) that I haven't even learned yet, let alone memorized. PANIC PANIC PANIC. Hopefully the flouride rinse will at least keep me from getting a cavity, and maybe I'll get to make someone cry tomorrow. One can dream.

The ratio of people to cake is too big. TOO BIG!

Number of hours spent trying desperately to cram Commercial Paper and Secured Transactions into my head today? 12.

Number of ounces of Diet Coke (yeah, I mean ONLY today!)? 84

Number of times I checked my email? Infinity+1

Number of emails I actually got? 2

Number of times I spelled "County" C-U-N-T-Y in the essays I wrote today? At LEAST 10.

Number of times I got to say "And so, the sheep is collateral then?" today? 1

Number of golden retrievers who ran out in front of my car, causing me to stop, try to call the owners, and then let the dog sit in my car on my lap until finally the owner came down the street looking for the dog and then when I had to give it back I cried and cried? 1

Number of pounds of Mega M&M's I've consumer since Bar/Bri started? 3

Number of red Diet Coke bottle caps I've saved since Bar/Bri started with the intention of entering them into my online Diet Coke account for points towards free merchandise that I don't want and/or need? Probably close to a hundred.

Number of times I've cried since Bar/Bri started? 4

Number of flashcards I've made? Over 12 packages of 3x5 cards

Number of cupcakes eaten this weekend? 2

Number of miles walked this week for pseudo-exercise since I refuse to go to the gym when the weather is actually nice? 17

Number of pterodactyl's seen on late-night walks with friend? 0 (damnit)

Number of bar subjects mastered? 0

Number of bar subjects I think I can bullshit my way through? 4 or maybe 5 (out of 21)

Number of times I've considered just not going to the exam, sleeping through all three days, then telling everyone I took it and failed? Infinity+2

Number of times today I said "I have absolutely no freaking idea" when asked a question about any subject other than Family Law? Every. Single. Time.

OK. I'm done. Must go to sleep. Have to pick up ex-Roomie in the morning to get started early - 8am until ???pm. I can't f*cking wait until this crap is done. My brain doesn't even hurt anymore, it's just totally shut down. 18 substantive essays + 6 PR essays = THE DEVIL.

Name. That. Lobster.!!!!!

I am, for some reason, completely fascinated by this genetic mutation of a lobster found in Maine. Maybe it's my new job in the commercial fishing industry, or maybe I just like creatures that are a little bit odd looking in a "he's got character" way (but not a "is that a bolo tie and top hat he's wearing?" kind of way). Anyway, no lobster, no matter how neat looking, could ever usurp Darwin as this blog's mascot, but I do think this guy is pretty cool.

Let's have a participatory game since I don't have time to blog, but I love checking comments.

NAME THIS LOBSTER! Best name wins...uh...worldwide recognition on my blog which is read, well...not worldwide. But I try.

It's the little things...

Me: patting pockets of jeans and sweatshirt...

Ex-Roomie: "What are you looking for?"

Me: "I'm trying to find my key card so I can go to the bathroom and still get back in the study room."

ER: "Oh...ok."

Me: "Yeah, I promised myself that if I finished this essay I could have a bathroom break, I've had to pee for like the last 20 minutes."

ER: "Nothing like giving yourself a 'reward' that's a real 'indulgence.'"

Me: "God. My life sucks."

I'm OK!

The stories of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Spatula - lost in space.

Be vewy qwiet, we awe hunting wabbits.

Very tired.

Memorized quite a bit of commercial paper today...boo hiss on negotiable instruments.

Went walking with my friend tonight, and another friend, no pterodactyls. I think we were too loud. But, we saw an otter.

Must go to bed. Tomorrow is the last day of Bar/Bri. A blessing and a curse I think...I just want this to be over so I can start working and getting a paycheck and move out of my shithole apartment and live a semi-normal life again. My brain hurts and my emotional craziness is reaching a volume of 11. Or a really loud 10.

An open letter to the douche who stole my Diet Coke...

Dear Douchebag McDoucherson,

You Sir (or Ma'am, but somehow I just know you're a Sir), are a pig-f*cker. I mean, I was pissed the other day when someone (presumably you) stole my lunch, but this really takes the cake. Diet Coke is like liquid gold to me. I guard my daily Diet Coke more closely than the Mexican restaurant across the street from the law school guards its guacamole, which, from the amount they charge for one small scoop, you would think is made out of crushed diamonds or pure coke cut only with angel feathers and the tears of virgins.

I just hate you so much. Due to your total inability to behave like a normal person and quit stealing shit that doesn't belong to you, I am going to be forced to put my bar studies on hold while I plot my revenge. I am going out right now to buy (another) Louisville Slugger, a jar of honey, trashbags, carrots, matches, cod liver oil, sour cream, and handcuffs. And an armadillo. You better watch your back.

XOXOXO

E. Spat.

The dirty weed.

Tonight we went to a bar to study (a bar that is generally not crowded and allows lots of spreading out to do flashcards and drink beer) and there was a softball team there sitting outside that was, ahem, indulging in some outdoor smoking of products that did not seem to be of the "legal" variety. We were sitting near the door to the patio and it was like WAVES of pure, unadulterated weed, washing over us. None of us mentioned it until finally Ex-Roomie was like "Does anyone else smell that?" and we were all like "Oh my GOD!!!"

You gotta love the TVPNM where you can smoke the dope right out on the front patio of a bar that is (from my personal knowledge) frequented by cops. Anyway, in honor of the outdoor celebratory mood, we did CrimLaw/CrimPro flashcards. Yay!

That's my stapler!

Work? No!

Essays? No!

Beer? YES!!!!

New bar? YES!!!!

New fun bar in my new hoped-for neighborhood? YES!!!!

SCREW THE BAR!!!!! YES!!!!!

What just happened?

The practice exam was a little bit like being abducted by aliens (or so I've heard).

I saw a bright light, then I don't remember anything else, and now my ass is really sore.

First things first.

Tomorrow is our first practice test. We have six essays...not quite the 9 per day we'll be having on the real exam, but close enough.

Supposedly we'll be "surprised" at "much we know" that "we don't know we know." Or something.

Eh.

I'm productive!

I had a study session tonight that was actually pretty productive, and I knew A LOT more than I thought I did. SUCCESS! Of course, that doesn't help me in the other 20 subjects, but whatever. Had a long talk with a friend about all the weirdness the bar exam brings out.

Here's some stuff "they" don't tell you about bar review.

1. You WILL start to have every unresolved issue in your life come to the forefront. Self-esteem, spouses, parents, kids, abandonment, self-doubt, dependency, self-abuse...oh yeah. All of 'em.

2. You will spend a lot of time wondering how you actually spent the last six hours and why you don't have anything done.

3. You will comfort yourself in whatever way is the most physically, emotionally and mentally destructive.

4. You will cry because you think your friends hate you because you're sure that some random thing they said was actually directed against you.

5. You will be sure that whatever "bad" things are going on in your life (even ones you never knew or cared about before) will never end or be resolved.

6. You will sometimes eat ice cream in the middle of the night just because if you don't you might die.

7. You will have a dream about whether your boyfriend moving on to your side of the bed in the middle of the night constitutes an easement (this happened to Ex-Roomie, obviously not me).

8. You will have a nightmare that your parents called you up and found the blog and disowned you.

9. You will eat a lot of snacks and/or drink more caffeine than any human heart should be able to handle.

10. You will feel guilty no matter what choice you make.

I'm off to bed. Because I feel guilty about not studying. Or, alternatively I feel guilty about not getting enough sleep which makes me paranoid and weepy and fearful and probably drives my friends bonkers. I might even feel guilty about the fact that I am too tired to read more than one page of the book I've been "reading" for over a month before I fall asleep, face in my pillow suffocation-style, and sleep like the dead until tomorrow morning. When I will feel guilty for hitting snooze too many times, for not blow-drying my hair, for not reading for class, for not making time to flashcard before class, for not going to the gym, for paying more to park so I won't have to walk so far to class, and for eating too many snacks in class to stay awake.

Bar Review Studiers - We Produce More Guilt Before 8am Than Most People Do In A Year!

Happy 3 Weeks Until Bar Exam Starts Day!

I promised myself that today was the cutoff point for getting serious about studying and memorizing and writing essays and all that shit (yeah - no Multiple Choice here - just 18 essays on substantive subjects the first two days, then 6 PR essays the 3rd day).

So, I spent the day catching up on some flashcarding. Then my friend and I killed off a case of beer, I made some Mexican food, we watched beautiful fireworks and I'm going to go to bed and wake up in a new frame of mind tomorrow - a working, serious about my future, not taking this lightly frame of mind.

Shut up. It could happen.

Truer words were never spoken!

This article about the "Seattle Freeze" should be required reading for anyone considering moving here. I'm breaking the TVPNM cone of silence to put this article up because it is EXACTLY what my experience here has been like - EXACTLY! I sent it to Ex-Roomie and she read it, looked across the table at me, and went, "Oh my GOD! I totally thought I was the only one experiencing this - it's exactly true!"

I have lived in about 20 different states/countries and this is the loneliest I have ever been on a consistent basis, and definitely the longest it has ever taken me to make friends. All of my good friends except a couple are transplants like me.

We're sitting here excitedly chattering in the library about how validated we feel, and how we really were starting to think it was us and it's so nice to just know that it's EVERYONE who's not from here! The Seattle Freeze -it's The Suck!!

For the record.

Last night, over beers, the talk turned to post-mortem wishes for our remains. Why? I have no idea. We all talked it over and here's the consensus on my disposition.

I would like to be cremated, mixed with glitter and pink rhinestones, and the sprinkled over Belgium.

Or, alternately, I would like to to be cremated, mixed with glitter and pink rhinestones, and then placed in a hideously guady urn...something that would make Liberace go "Don't you think that's a little much?" Said urn will be placed in M's front yard with a birdbath on top of it.

I tried to get Ex-Roomie and her bf to agree to divide up my ash/glitter/rhinestone mix into tiny little bags, like the sachets you get at weddings, and then have a big party and hand me out to everyone as a party favor, but they weren't going for it.

I pointed out to Ex-Roomie's bf that, in reference to cremation v. burial, "They'd probably stick me in the oven and all you'd hear is WHOOOOOSH! as my beer soaked body went up in flames."

We also discussed that thing where you can get your ashes pressed into a diamond...I guess it's kind of like a CZ or something. Ex-Roomie's bf said they come out really yellow and weird, and Ex-Roomie goes "Why?" My answer? "Because humans are filthy, disgusting creatures!" And I think it's probably true. Because I'm a scientist.

I turned in a graded commercial paper essay today - should be interesting to get it back. I am picturing a hit squad coming to my house and taking me out before I can pollute the legal community with my idiocy.

I was hoping for some Chimay in my Chimay.

Ex-Roomie, her bf, and I decided to try a new bar last night that is across the street from the favorite Chimay-on-tap bar. The new bar ALSO has Chimay on tap (these must be the only two places in the city!), so of course that's what I ordered. Well, when it came, it looked and tasted a little funny. I knew it wasn't Chimay, and I thought it tasted vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. So, Ex-Roomie's bf tasted it and he goes "Oh my God, that's Mac & Jack!" M&J is our local fave microbrew - it's served in every bar and we always get it, so that's why I recognized it. At any rate, the waiter came back and we (tactfully) told him that the Chimay was actually NOT Chimay and suggested maybe the taps were crossed since they were right next to each other (we're not complaining, we're doing a public service). He went back, got a half glass of each and brought them over to the table and it was OBVIOUS just from looking which one was the Chimay - it just LOOKS smooth and sort of creamy - it has a really thick (in consistency) but thin-ish head. So, finally we determine that the bartender is getting married in like 3 days and is just tired and not paying attention. She was really nice and came over and apologized and left all the M&J's, which Ex-Roomie's bf drank happily.

Anyway, I only had two beers last night, but I was a boring rambler for some reason. Ex-Roomie and her bf deserve a medal for putting up with me, I was just all weird and taking a LONG and boring walk down my own memory lane, which of course no one is probably the least bit interested in. I'll pick up the next round in honor of them loosing an entire night of their lives to my inability to shut up.

Today...more flashcard goodness. How exciting.

Lemon bars and toilet bowls and total notes.

P.S. - I had to put this at the top because I totally know you don't read all the way to the end of these long-ish posts - there are still LOTS of unclaimed songs on the Ipod meme - frankly I don't think my music tastes are quite SO obscure that no one has ever heard of these songs!! C'mon - you know you want to show everyone what a musical genius you are! Now, on to the real post...

I cleaned my bathroom today. Finally. And, in semi-related news, I'm making lemon bars. This flurry of activity is directly related to the fact that a couple of my fellow Bar/bri sufferers are coming over this afternoon to sit by my pool and do flashcards. I'm most excited about the lemon bars companionship of my friends. I also got my Super Big Gulp this morning. I haven't been getting them every day like I used to because we sit at these long desk/table things in lecture, and I'm afraid it'll get knocked off and land on someone's head/computer/lap/etc. I've been drinking Diet Coke out of the bottle - OK, I suppose, but not the Super Big Gulp. And, lastly but not leastly, someone stole my lunch out of the office at school and I told ex-Roomie I was "totally going to write a total note" and post it on the fridge. She wrote me back and said "I'd love to see what a 'total note' is"...so, here you go...a total note.

Dear Complete and Utter Waste of Human Life that Stole My Lunch,

I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate coming upstairs after sitting in the library, hunched over my books (because unlike you I actually go to school here, you thieving piece of shit) for hours on end, only find out that instead of buying your own lunch, you stole mine. Assuming that you aren't Robin Hood, and therefore did not steal my lunch in order to give it to those less fortunate than yourself, the only choice I have left is to believe that you somehow mistook the law school procured refrigerator for your local Safeway. What gave it away? The long aisles filled with grocery carts and tasty Keebler treats? The cashiers waiting breathlessly to take your money for the food you purchased and sell you a lotto ticket? The free sample lady handing out tiny pieces of buttered toast?

Oh. Wait. You mean you didn't think the fridge was perhaps a strange tiny mini-mart placed into the law school by grocery loving aliens, sans cashiers and aisles, for you to browse in and sample items from at will? Barring a head injury or a severe mental defect, I just can't imagine what would possess you to steal my lunch. I mean...frankly, I was going to eat it! I (unlike you) went to a grocery store, where a disaffected teenage boy with terrible acne took my money, put my items in a bag, asked half-heartedly if I'd like help out to my car, seemed relieved when I declined, and then went back to talking about Grand Theft Auto with his friend. That took time! That took money! That took patience! Patience that I do not have to deal with people who just steal things from my lunch bag willy-nilly in order to stuff my expensive pita chips right down their filthy gullet, all the while probably laughing at me for being so gullible as to leave my LUNCH in the FRIDGE provided FOR THE EXACT PURPOSE of coddling my lunch softly and safely in its loving arms of cool breeze goodness!

At any rate, you wretched excuse for a human being, I sincerely hope you enjoyed my lunch. If there is any justice in this world, you got food poisoning and are right now crouched behind a bush like a dog, clutching your stomach and praying for death. You are, truly, The Suck.

Go To Hell.

E. Spat.