Friday, June 30, 2006
I heart depression.
I have been sitting in my apartment crying my eyes out for the last 40 minutes or so. I went out to a wine bar with a couple of friends tonight and had a pretty good time, but it's hard. I feel like I sometimes have a hard time here because I'm so different from everyone else and sometimes I feel like I can't connect with anyone. My life experience is so different, and I wonder who I can talk to that will understand where I'm coming from. My friends here are so awesome, so this isn't to say that they aren't fantastic, because they are - but I am just feeling sort of misunderstood tonight (I mean, who's going to understand me whining about being twice divorced and how it makes me a dating pariah?). And, I really want to call M and can't because she's out of town for awhile, and it sucks. The one person in my life who always loves me no matter how crazy I am is unavailable and it just totally blows. And I keep thinking I'm going to end up with 1,000 cats, and I probably won't have anything to do but make them all little cat sweaters, and I only know how to crochet so they won't even be good sweaters - they'll be bulky. And I'm allergic so I'll have to have those horrible hairless cats...they always look like they were brought to earth to steal your soul. I am so, so, so, so sad tonight, and I'm not sure why. It's honestly not really anything to do with bar review (in the sense of worrying about passing the bar), I just got my feelings hurt a few times in the last few days (OK, maybe I'm more vulnerable to that because of my exhaustion), and I'm feeling extra-special sensitive and moody and crazy. Last time I cried like this it was 1L and I told everyone that I was quitting law school, only to be talked back into it by M. Tomorrow I'll be fine, I need to get some sleep and quit being a freak - but my brain won't stop. There are just a few things that are important to me in my life, and when it seems like they aren't working out, all at once, it makes me unhappy. And then I cry.