Captains Log ... A bunch of our ship fell off and no one likes me.

Today was rough.

It was just filled with all manners of crazy stuff going on and culminated in me running ALL the way across town in high heels to try to deliver two packages for my boss by 5pm..I made it with ONE MINUTE to spare and a lot of blisters. Awesome.

Here are some observations.

1. Capri pants = NO. No because it is winter. No because it is raining. No because it is 45 degrees. And especially no with hiking boots and big navy blue wool socks. Please, for the love of the little baby Jesus, no.

2. If I can hear your Ipod from two seats away on the bus when I have MY OWN Ipod headphones in, funneling music directly into my semi-deaf ears, your effing music is too damn loud. Quit it.

3. This book is not that good. Not at all. I read the whole thing, but for a book that was supposed to make me feel better (Ugly duckling becomes beautiful swan, finds true love, realizes she was good enough all along)...I am not feeling better.

4. This article by Maureen Dowd called "What's a Modern Girl To Do?"(link kindly left in the comments by ash) is...I don't know. Depressing? Enlightening? Sad? True? Here's a helpful excerpt:

When Gloria Steinem wrote that "all women are Bunnies," she did not mean it as a compliment; it was a feminist call to arms. Decades later, it's just an aesthetic fact, as more and more women embrace Botox and implants and stretch and protrude to extreme proportions to satisfy male desires. Now that technology is biology, all women can look like inflatable dolls. It's clear that American narcissism has trumped American feminism.

I'm going to ruminate upon it for awhile and then maybe (or maybe not) have something to say...I think it's a worthwhile read though for sure and I'd be really interested in what some men have to say about it since I think it's really relevant to both sexes.

It's time to clean my kitchen, take a bath, and hopefully fall blissfully asleep well before midnight for a change. We'll see.

UPDATE:

The Hot Librarian and Amber both have up fabulously insightful posts regarding the Dowd article. I feel happy because now I don't have to think about it anymore...they said it all...and better.

Get a bright red crayon. Color in this flag. You've just made a big red flag.

So, I mentioned the other day that I bought "He's Just Not That Into You" at the airport during my huge layover in Chicago, and that I was going to have some thoughts on it later. First off, it's a short read -- I think I finished the whole thing in like an hour, max. Secondly, it's ALL common sense stuff. I mean, duh, who doesn't know that if you chase frantically after some guy and let him get away with the absolute minimum as far as behavior and respect go while rewarding him with sex, he probably won't turn out to be the man of your dreams? The answer is, we ALL know that! But, this book is just sort of a funny 165 page reminder to have higher standards, to not be pathetic, and to realize that when the right guy comes along he won't mind putting out some effort in order to win your love (or whatever).

That being said, here are two of my favorite quotes:

"Pets are God's way of saying 'Don't lower the bar because you're
lonely.'"

"There is nothing worse than having no answer, in business, friendships, and especially romantic relationships. But the bad news is, no answer IS your answer. He may not have written you a good-bye note, but his silence is a deafening 'see you later.' The only reason to ever [contact] him again is to give him the chance to say it LOUDER, and WITH WORDS." (emphasis added)(God, I'm the dorkiest law student ever to even feel the need to add "emphasis added.")

There are also these little "Reminder Lists" at the end of each chapter that recap what you should have learned. I liked this particular one about calling because men saying they'll call and not calling is one of my HUGEST pet peeves. So, here's What You Should Have Learned About Men and Phones:

1. If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.

2. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you.

3. Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do.

4. "Busy" is another word for "asshole." "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating.

5. You deserve a fucking phone call.

So, I don't know. It was a cute book and reaffirmed pretty much all the things I already know but never actually put into practice. They point out several times in the book that, of course, it's hard to just sit around hoping and waiting to meet the guy who is going to make the effort to be the person who you need him to be. The guy that calls when he says he will, the guy that thinks about you and your feelings and your needs, the guy that doesn't cheat, lie, call you names, or spend all the time on your first date staring over your shoulder at every girl who walks into the restaurant. Where the hell are these elusive and yet much-sought-after examples of male perfection?? The book seems to suggest that every man has the POTENTIAL to be "that guy" but that it takes the right woman to bring it out. Basically, the right woman is the full moon to every man's inner werewolf of love. Or whatever.

It's alive!

My laptop power cord finally died today, once and for all. So, I went to Best Buy and bought a universal power cord...it's neato. It has a pretty blue light and it always works...I don't even have to roll up the cord until whatever wires aren't touching DO touch and then paper clip it in place. Hallelujah.

Shitty Descriptive Word of the Week

INTIMIDATE

in·tim·i·date, .v. in·tim·i·dat·ed, in·tim·i·dat·ing, in·tim·i·dates

1. To make timid; fill with fear.
2. To coerce or inhibit by or as if by threats.

Synonyms: intimidate, browbeat, bulldoze, cow, bully, bludgeon.

These verbs all mean to frighten into submission, compliance, or acquiescence. Intimidate implies the presence or operation of a fear-inspiring force.

Adj : discouraging through fear.

People often tell me I am "intimidating."

"Oh E. Spat, you're intimidating and that's why you have a hard time meeting men!"

"E. Spat, for what it's worth, your personality can be a little intimidating for people who might be not as outgoing and gregarious as yourself."

"E. Spat, you're intimidating, but it's GOOD...it just means you're a strong woman!"

I am so effing sick and tired of being told I'm intimidating. Am I loud? YES! Am I funny? YES! Do I have a strong personality? YES! Straightforward? YES! Don't take shit from too many people? YES! Say what I mean? YES! Intimidating? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I do not discourage through fear, coerce, or threaten (unless you marry me first).

I know this seems really minor but it REALLY bothers me. Because, when people say I'm intimidating I think of the definitions above, and I take things to heart! I don't want to be a fear-mongering ogre that everyone runs from when they seem me coming. And, seriously, no less than 10 people have described me as intimidating in the past month or so...including my boss yesterday. I *know* that these people don't necessarily mean anything horrible by it, but are mostly trying to say "you have a very strong personality," but it really, really hurts my feelings and I dwell on it. I think most of the people who know me would say that I can be loud (most of the time), obnoxious (hopefully only some of the time), and that I have sort of a larger than life personality. I like to be the class clown. I like to tell funny stories to entertain people. I like to live my life as vividly as possible. And, you know, I'm nearly 31 years old (God help me) and I spent four years as a military officer and I grew up in a certain way and so, no, I don't generally couch everything I say in a nest of a platitudes, but I don't think that makes me someone who frightens others into compliance and submission!

Anyway. Rant over I guess. This has really been bothering me.

Now that's just wrong.

OK, this one is a question. I know I *said* I wasn't going to write about this interview before I got rejected informed about my status, but I have this one burning question I need answered (and I've talked to many other people who have had this same experience).

How do others in the field who have gone through interviews view the following question (paraphrased to make it nice and generic):

"Where else have you applied? Who have you heard back from? Why aren't you being offered a job at the place you work now? Are you going to be offered a job at the place you work now? What other interviews have you been on/will you be going on?"

I'm not gonna lie....I HATE HATE HATE these types of questions. I think they are rude and intrusive and put the student/interviewee in a really bad position. I mean, hello, I'm a 3L....OF COURSE I'm looking/applying/interviewing at other places. DUH! I don't think it's anyone's business where else I'm applying, where else I've interviewed, or whether or not I might take a job somewhere else if it's offered. The focus of an interview should be on the job, on my abilities and on how I could/would/might fit into the organization and whether I'd be the best candidate for what the organization needs.

Anyway, I guess that's my rant on that subject. If anyone knows anything about these types of questions or has experiences/comments/insights they'd like the share -- I'd love to hear it.

Home.

I am home. I am tired. I bought "He's Just Not That Into You" at the airport bookstore because I had a four hour layover in Chicago (so far I've been reading it in snippets at friend's houses and whatnot)...thoughts on that later. Right now all I want is to go to sleep in my own bed. And a shower.

You know who you look like? That one girl. From the show. With the kids.

So, I am often told (and by often I mean, more than one or twice a month) that I look like Neve Campbell (especially when I'm in a thinner stage). This is kinda weird, but you know, at least she's attractive. Frankly, I'm not sure I see the resemblance, but I get it often enough that there must be something there because it happens enough that I don't think it's totally random. Anyway, tonight I went to happy hour with a bunch of friends from work (and LQ) and the bartender was like..."You know, you look like someone famous...I can't think of the name...but, you know, she was on that show...the one with the kids and their parents died...uh..." So, I help him out and go "Neve Campbell??" and he's like "YES!" After that he spent the rest of the night trying to pick me up and then he gave us a free round of shots and charged off a couple rounds of $10 martinis for the entire group for $20 total. So, you know, whatever. He can have his obsession as long as I make out like a bandit. Also, he asked if I was wearing false eyelashes and I go "No, why?" He's like "Your eyelashes are just really long, they have to be fake!" So, again I go "Nope!" And he goes "Well, close your eyes and let me see." When I did, he kissed me! Right on the cheek! It was actually pretty smooth, in a creepy way. But, again, lots of free drinks.
On another note, the interview was...uh...well...hmmmm. We'll talk about it when if I get rejected. For some reason, every time I pay to come cross country (or cross West Coast) to an interview, it doesn't go as well as I would hope. It's like they knew I spent money. Anyway, I am still very interested in the job, but I think I could've done better in the interview. We'll see. If not I guess I still have my career impersonating Neve Campbell...except for the Wild Things years, I'm not sure I could do that justice.

Also, by the way, if someone tells you they are having a Horse Show at the Convention Center it's probably best not to scream out "WHORE SHOW? WHAT THE HELL IS A WHORE SHOW?? SOUNDS GOOD THOUGH, LET'S GO!!!" It's funny, but I'm not sure it's helping me get a job.

Safe and sound. And cold.

Well, I made it to D.C. in one piece, and to say the weather here is shitty is the understatement of the year. It's cold, rainy, and generally even worse than in the TVPNM, which is saying something I think. So, needless to say, running around town tomorrow in high heels and pantyhose should be totally joyous...I can't wait. Oh well, I'm excited about my interview and I just spent some time looking up the people who will be interviewing me and trying to get at least a sense of what they do and what their various departments and whatnot are about. I think that's probably about as in-depth as I generally get in terms of interview prep, so now I'm going to try to just relax and actually get some sleep and hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling semi-human. I got about three hours of sleep last night between worrying about the alarm not going off, worrying about the interview, worrying that the car I borrowed to drive to the airport would mysteriously malfunction in some horrible way, and having to be up at 4am.

In other news, I GOT A CAR!!! Yes, my dad confirmed for me on the phone just now that, come Thanksgiving, I will be buying a one-way ticket home and driving back in my very own car handed down to me by my grandpa after much wheeling and dealing on my dad's part. YAY!

So, wish me luck as I brave the wilds of the D.C. metro/bus system tomorrow and go through a four hour interview process with an employer that is whittling down the last 50 or so people into 9. Yikes!

I have issues. And baggage.

I tried. I really, really, really tried to only have one carry-on bag for my trip to D.C.. But, after much consideration, and a lot of frustration, I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not a one carry-on bag kind of girl. So, I finally gave up and am going to check a medium sized suitcase, AND a carry-on, AND a purse. Apparently I need three bags for a three day trip...it makes sense to me. Sorta.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm not a better suitcase packer...it has always driven M. to distraction to watch me pack because it's just so painful. I am (a) not organized, (b) indecisive, and (c) unable to make any pre-trip decisions about what I will wear while I'm gone. It's seriously like an illness or a genetic defect or something. Oh well, hopefully the fact that I'm getting to the airport at the ass-crack of dawn will mean that there will be no lines at flight check-in and even with the bag I can just get through the line as quickly as possible. I hate the airport.

Early = bad

I have to get up at 4:30am and go to the airport to head to D.C. That sucks so hard, I cannot begin to even tell you how much I don't want to get up at that hour and go to the stupid airport. On the upside, I am staying with LQ (who just got accepted to her dream job -- you go girl!), so that'll be fun to see her, and I'm excited/nervous about my interview. Also, I'm going to happy hour with a bunch of friends/summer work colleagues...so I think that will be good too. Anyway, I have to go pack and work on feeling tired enough to go to sleep before midnight. I am not taking my laptop but I should be able to use LQ's home computer to keep you updated should anything exciting happen.

PS: My dad swears that I *MAY* have a car by Thanksgiving. Oh please, please, please let that happen. Please. I'll clean my room, I mean it this time!!

Finally, I have a motto!

Conversation I had this weekend:

My friend's boyfriend told us this story about a girl he had as a roommate when he lived in Scotland and how these two guys at a bar got into a fistfight over her.

Boyfriend: "So, what do women even think when two guys get into a fistfight at a bar over them?"

Friend: "Oh God, if you ever got into a fight over me I'd punch you right in the face myself!"

Me: "I think it's hot, if you got into a fight over me I'd have sex with you."

Boyfriend: "See honey, see how cool E. Spat is? She'd have sex with me and you'd punch me!"

Me: "Well, I mean, I wouldn't have sex with YOU because you're her boyfriend, but if you were a theoretical boy who wasn't dating one of my best friends...then...maybe."

Boyfriend: "You know what you are E. Spat? All stick and no carrot."

Gack.

So, I tell people often that I am "allergic" to red wine. I'm not sure if that's technically the truth, but it ALWAYS makes me very sick when I drink it and I have never had a good experience with it. Unfortunately for me, last night I drank some. I had already had several beers and so when the person I was having dinner with got a bottle of red wine (after I specifically said I was "allergic") I was easily persuaded to drink some...two glasses to be exact. Big glasses.

Now, I wish I could say that I ended up having a great drinking experience and from now on red wine will be my drink of choice...but...well....

Suffice it to say that I actually don't remember the last couple hours of my evening -- I mean, I remember them but there are definitely holes. Also, I woke up sick as a dog and spent the entire morning laying on the couch clutching a plastic bag in case I needed to puke. I am more bothered though by the holes in my memory, because, as M. pointed out, I'm probably repressing something I did or said that is not just inappropriate but WILDLY inappropriate. I hope that's not the case, but I'm scared it might be.

The whole thing is kind of funny, but it also makes me sad because I have really spent the last year or so trying very hard to dial back my drinking behavior, and I feel like last night I sort of inadvertently did something that may have caused me to behave in a way that I don't want to be known for.

Anyway, I will clearly never, ever, ever let someone talk me into the dirty satan wine again, and hopefully I'll start feeling better later today. Right now I want someone to shoot me.

Sticker shock

I just spent $185 getting a haircut/color/highlights. Damn. Every time I spend that kind of money I feel like I just need to have a couple of drinks and try to forget that I don't actually have a job or any way of replacing that money once it's spent on...of all things...my hair. But, I will say this, I think it's a pretty kick-ass haircut and the color is gorgeous, red and rich and warm. Love it. So, at least I'll feel confident for my interview next week and you can't put a pricetag on that, right??

Anyway, I turned in my legal research memo this morning and I am so paranoid that I did it wrong, or that I made a bunch of mistakes, or didn't use the right format or something. Legal memo's are my "oh my God, did I leave the iron on" thing...I just worry, worry, worry. I also didn't get a chance to eat all day because I was at the salon for four and a half hours, so I'm gonna go find an apple, put in some laundry, and try to catch up on the hellhole that is my apartment. Me and my new awesome haircut are gonna get down with the vacuum and the toilet brush and try to pretty the place up, if that's even possible.

Where in The Hell is my tinfoil cap?

Today a man came to the office where I work (well, technically just to the door...you can't get in without an escort) to report that he had been implanted by the FBI with a 2-way transmitter in his head and they were following him, putting bombs on his car, and listening to his conversations and telling him what to do. All I can say is thank goodness not just anyone off the street can walk into the actual office...although, I have to admit that I'm a little scared about how this dude got as far into the federal building as he did (he was pretty clearly crazy/high as a kite). The guy's father was called to pick him up and it turns out Mr. Paranoid McAddict has been suffering from mental illness and using meth for several years. And let me tell you, it showed. I feel bad for the guy because clearly he was just totally out of touch with reality, but it's scary to think that people like that can just walk into the federal building, approach the agency of their choice, and vent/complain/accuse/etc. I guess I'm a little more understanding of the metal detector I have to walk through every day, even though it hates every single damn pair of shoes I own.

Anyway, guess I better put the finishing touches on my memo that's due tomorrow. I think it's basically done, but, as usual, I'm having problems with citations.

If anyone knows of a job that will pay me enough to make my loan payments, will allow me to use my brain and be creative, will not trap me in an office for 14 hours a day with a bunch of uptight, irritating people, and requires no citations whatsoever, please leave a comment. I'm in the market for a good job, as you all well know.

This link's for you babe...

My good friend's boyfriend (who is also a good friend) is working on a campaign and has asked me to link to his candidate's blog. I have to admit that I know next to nothing about this candidate, but I trust my pal to only work for somebody worthwhile, so with that being said:

Go Ed Pottharst!

Visit Ed's blog and see what he's all about...something I myself will be doing momentarily!

What. The. Hell.

So, I decided to go to the mall on my way home today to look at some things in Macy's...seeing as how most of my clothes are three sizes too big now. Anyway, I got off the bus at the mall and walked up to one of the doors, where there was another lady trying to get in the same door. Because I'm a nice person I held the door for her and because she's a heinous bitch she tried to go between my arm and the door and ended up slamming it on my arm. The worst part of this is that, in the process of trying to kill me, this whore caused me to scramble to not be run over by her and I caught my watch on the door handle thing and ripped it off my arm. My $300 watch. The only thing that I own that I actually take care of and love. I've had it for five years...it was my present to myself for making first lieutenant in the Air Force - got a big pay raise and wanted to spend some of it. So, anyway...she just keeps walking, and I *KNOW* she saw my watch fly off and land on the floor.

But, this story has a happy ending (and not in a disgusting way...you perverts).

I walked into the mall and stopped at the first jewelry store I saw to ask if they knew where there might be a little watch repair place. The guy, whose name was Matthew, was just sitting there doing nothing and he totally fixed my watch...for FREE...while I waited. It was so awesome! I told him that he totally restored my faith in humanity, and I meant it. Between the kindness of strangers and the whole "getting ogled" thing, I feel like I'm having the best day ever. But, I still hope that hooker that broke my watch gets a horrible rash.

It's ogle-icious

I just want to state, for the record, that I was ogled today. By construction workers.

I went for a walk with Guac. Kid and we walked by a construction site, when all of the sudden I felt eyes on the back of my neck...I just knew someone was staring. So, I looked up and there are two construction workers, just staring. And then...they waved. Then they gave me two thumbs up. I received a successful review, and I appreciate that. Anyway, even though I'm trapped in the library doing my memo for legal research, I feel much happier now. I heart being the center of a cute construction boy's lustful attention.

See big men sticking screw drivers into things - turning them - AND ADJUSTING THEM!

I had the weirdest day. Some of it I can't talk about because it concerns something that happened at school, but trust me, it was bizarre, and I mean "bad bizarre" not "good bizarre." Then, I came home and went jogging even though it looked like it might rain. The first three songs that played on my MP3 player were:

KMFDM "A Drug Against War"
1,000 Homo DJ's "Supernaut"

AND

Chris Ledoux "Whatcha Gonna Do With a Cowboy"

See how one of these things is not like the others?

They're all motivating in their own way though, so it was OK.

I made an appointment to get my hair cut/colored/highlighted on Thursday afternoon...I think it's worth $200 to look good for my interview next week. Right? RIGHT? Just because my plane ticket only cost $230 and I am totally broke is no reason not to do it.

And, finally, because my life is kind of depressing, I thought it would be fun to see some people who are having a WAY worse time of it than me. So, the first season of "Oz" is on its way to me via Netflix as we speak. I need to thank M. for getting me Netflix for my birthday, and for allowing me to scar my soul forever by seeing Stabler from SVU kissing other boys...see how not having a job pales in comparison to being someone's prison bitch?

I feel kind of confused...

On Food TV just now the guy was making homemade bug repellant. Is it just me or does that kind of seem a little bit wrong? I mean, that's not what I want to see on Food TV.

I am kind of enjoying The Adam Carolla Project though...it's pretty much a bunch of his friends, who are idiots, with hammers and powertools, hurting themselves and each other and drinking a lot of beer. It's kinda funny.

Another day, another dollar

Well, I decided to get up and clean house today so that I would feel more organized and less stressed out. So far, it seems to be working. I especially liked going through my closet and throwing out two huge bags of clothes that are, well, huge on me. YAY! It's an incentive not to let the winter "let's put on thirty pounds of hibernation fat" doldrums get at me too much...I won't have any jeans to wear if that happens.

Also, I'm listening to Van Morrison. My dad used to tell me that the song "Brown Eyed Girl" was written for me...it's my favorite song and it always cheers me up. I have a memo to write for legal research so I guess I better get to work on that. But first, I think I might make cookies or something. I'm feeling productive today.

UPDATE: Snickerdoodles AND Molasses Cookies (like chewy gingersnaps), are DONE. Man, my whole apartment smells amazing, like Christmas. YAY!

This is how we do it...

This is how we do things in my house.

First, I call my mom and cry and tell her about all the reasons I'm upset. She listens attentively, acts flustered, tells me it will be OK, and then hangs up.

Within 12 hours I get an email from my dad asking me what's wrong. I reply to the email with all the things I'm upset about. He cogitates upon my issue.

Withing 12 hours after the email I get a phone call from my dad. This can take one of two forms. The first is the "Let's Make a Plan Phone Call." Usually for this one my dad already has a plan and what he really would like is for me to execute it. This particular approach is used when I have gotten myself into a "situation"...i.e., I have married someone and discovered after two years of marriage that things just aren't going to work out. The second type of phone call is the "Pep Talk/It's All Going To Be OK Just Please Please Don't Cry Phone Call." This type of call is reserved exclusively for situations where I haven't done anything stupid but I'm just upset and freaked out and I need to be talked down off the bell tower.

Tonight I got the "Pep Talk." And here's the thing. I love my parents so much and I feel so happy to have them in my life because they're so supportive and wonderful and I just don't even think I deserve to have such fantastic people love me and worry about me. My dad told me that:

(A) I shouldn't worry about finding a job because I'm an amazing person and someone will hire me and they'll be lucky to have me.

(B) I shouldn't worry about money because:
1. If I get a low-paying job they will supplement my income enough to help pay my loans until I make enough money to manage on my own.
2. If I don't get any job at all for a while, they will make sure that I have a place to live and that my bills are paid and that I'm taken care of, just as long as I'm trying.

(C) When he got out of college he sent out 150 resumes, got 30 rejections and 120 dead silence no reponses, and, frankly, he ended up finding the job he was meant to be in when he least expected it.

(D) He is going to help me figure out the car thing, eventually. See, even though I'm the only grandkid, apparently that doesn't warrant a car in my family...so, we're waiting to figure that one out.

(E) He understands that we Spatulas, ok, me...I...have a really hard time with rejection and I'm taking a lot of things in my life personally these days, even some things that aren't attributable to me. Also, I'm impatient, a perfectionist, a control-freak, and a bunch of other stuff that, together, make me a little more neurotic than I would usually admit to. But, I come by it honestly...Spatulas are crazies...each and every one.

So, you see, I am a really lucky, but sort of messed up person. The worst part is, I know that I shouldn't even be worried about all this yet...I mean, shit, it's only October! But, I can't seem to help it. As M. would say, "Yeah E. Spat, you're TOTALLY laid back...just in a really driven way!"

Alone again, naturally....*

I keep trying to think of something to write, but so far I got nothing. Or, rather, I got lots but I'm just not feeling very articulate today. I think that this time of year, when the weather gets dark and rainy, I just start to feel like a depressed hermit sadsack loser. There was a point in my life where I felt like I was on track, like I was enjoying each and every day, having fun, making decisions that were going to get me where I wanted to be eventually. Now, my life is up in the air - I know what I love to do but they can't hire me, I know where I'd like to live but it's not a place where there's work for me, and I'm going on four years of being single, getting hit on solely by wholly inappropriate men. Sigh.

Anyway, today I'm wallowing, tomorrow I have to do homework. But, today I wallow. Just the way I like it. I rented a movie, I picked up some fast food, and there's chocolate peanut butter ice cream in the freezer. Hooray. And, if I get really down, I can always peruse Match.com to look at the profiles and pick out all the things the men say they don't like that apply to me. That will send you to rock bottom in no time at all, trust me.

*This song is essential to wallowing, it is seriously the most depressing song ever. Thank God for that Billboard Hits 1972 CD...and to think I bought it for "A Horse With No Name."

Hot mama...yeah, that's me!

Today I did a lot of things.

I went to school.

I went to work.

I cried on the phone to my mom because I have gotten ten thousand rejection letters and I'm scared I'll never find a job ever again.

I had some/a lot of beer with my cool friends.

I went to a chocolate shop after said beer with said friends (don't you love the word "said"? so fun and official sounding!).

I was hit on at said chocolate shop when the boy working there went "you are one hot mama" and proceeded to semi-proposition me.

I'll tell you what, it's hard being so irresistable to those in the retail food service industry...a burden I must bear!

Anyway, sadly the only people that have hit on me lately are crazy dudes on the bus and a teenager working at a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, but, you know, take what you can get I guess.

Heh.

Today the Guacamole Kid and I went and got a couple beers, and then I went with him to the hockey rink to pick up his new skates. GK ended up buying a new helmet and asked the (very cute but 21 year old) kid working there to put his face shield thingie on it. So, we stood there joking around for about 20 minutes while the kid put the shield on, and, right as I was about to escape without TOTALLY embarassing myself, GK tells the kid "Hey, thanks for mounting that for me!"

At which point I DIE LAUGHING! And the kid and all his 18-21 year-old hockey buddies stare at me (probably because I was laughing so hard I was crying), so, to make things better I go "GK, you said MOUNTING!"

It was funny. To me.

Go down to the next post and leave your best Rejection Letter Greeting Card idea.

Taking it to the streets!

In the comments to my post about rejection letters, there has been a conversation (well, Centinel and I are so far the only ones participating) on Rejection Letter Greeting Cards...and, whether or not anyone else thinks it's funny, I do. So, here's what's in the comments so far...leave your own ideas in the comments to this post and I'll update this later tonight with everyone's suggested cards.


Front: We heard you wanted a job with us!

Inside: NO!
**************************************************************
Front: We thank you for your application!

Inside: If you'd been just a little more impressive maybe you'd have at least gotten an interview!
**************************************************************
Front: Congratulations!

Inside: On your continuing job search! (Centinel)
**************************************************************
Front: Thank you for your application to the job we have advertised!

Inside: Unfortunately we only consider qualified candidates!
**************************************************************
This one is inspired by the rejection letter I just got via email:

Front: We had lots of qualified candidates!

Inside: Too bad you weren't one of them!
**************************************************************

C'mon people, join the rejection fun!


UPDATED CARDS:

OK, I just thought of this one:

Front: Thanks for sending us your resume and cover letter!

Inside: But, sadly, we're just not that into you!

Here are the ones from the comments:


Front: Thanks for thinking of [firm name]

Inside: If you ever need a good lawyer, call us. (Jeff)
*******************************************************

Outside: Thank you for your job application!

Inside: Sorry you didn't get the job but happy birthday anyway! (Allan)
*******************************************************

Front: In case you were curious about our response to your resume...

Inside: (completely blank) (Brian)
*******************************************************

Front: We just wanted to let you know...

Inside: don't waste your time applying! (Jeff)
*******************************************************

Front: Your application left us with only one thing to say...

Inside: You suck. (kmsqrd)

If you guys keep putting them in the comments I'll keep adding them to the list...this is fun.

I am woman, hear me write memos!

Today was my first day back at work since I turned in the 18-page Memo of Doom, and this is how it went:

Boss: "Well, I read your memo"

Me: "Uh-huh"

Boss: "You covered the issues adequately. I had a question about XYZ and I'd like you to look into that more for me."

Me: "Uh-huh"

Boss: "Also, I want you to start working on this other thing and then find out about this...uh...hey, I guess I should tell you, your memo was really excellent! It was awesome! I'm sorry...I'm not used to giving feedback, but I've been on the other side of the desk and I want you to know you did a good job. Sorry about that...now, after you do the one thing...."

Me: *internally* "YAY!!! HOORAY FOR ME, I'M LITTLE MISS SMARTY MEMO PANTS!"

AND, I used the knowledge from my memo to solve an issue today, AND, I found a case directly on point to a question my boss asked me to figure out in less than 10 minutes. YES! *does Tom Cruise couch jumping routine and pumps arm in celebration of legal victory*

On a totally different subject, as I mentioned a few days ago, my grandpa has been asked by the DMV has decided on his own to give up his car, and I have asked my parents to ask him if he'll let me have it on a "I'll pay you for it when I get a job" basis. It would be really handy to have a car again...although I have one that I drive quite a bit, but this one could go with me to a new job (should I ever get hired). So, cross your fingers...I kinda doubt it will work, we're not really a "give your grandkid a car" kind of family, but hey, stranger things have happened.

Lie to me!

I got a rejection letter today saying they couldn't further consider me because of "budgetary constraints." Ahem...uh...bullshit! What does that even mean? Like, there isn't enough money to hire a separate person to review my voluminous application?

Personally, I like the rejections that say the place had many qualified candidates (YAY! That means I was qualified too! Right? RIGHT?), but, they cannot extend me an interview at this time (No worries...I'll just call, email and write until they CAN extend me that solid gold interview...what? Is that wrong?).

I do not appreciate the phony sounding rejection letter...or at least, I would appreciate a convincing lie that would leave me with a way to kid myself into thinking they would have hired me if only....if only.

WAH!

Do you know how horrible it is to get up in the morning and find out that instead of Creamy Milk Chocolate Slim-Fast you accidentally bought Cappucino Delight? Oh my GOD, I *HATE* the taste of coffee in any of its many and varied forms. I have Slim-Fast for breakfast on a pretty regular basis because it's easy and has vitamins and whatnot...and I tried the Cappucino (am I spelling that right?) one this morning. WAH!!! It sucks! And now I have to go to school early for a meeting with my career counselor. Please God, don't let this be a bad day. And make it stop raining so I can go outside for a walk. And let there be Diet Coke in the machine (this one is real important Sir).

A girl called Cranky

Damn people, I am C-R-A-N-K-Y today. Geez. There's a variety of factors involved in my current emotional turmoil, none of which are serious, but all of which are joining together to make me moderately to mostly miserable. At any rate, it's no big deal...I'm just being a moody bee-yatch, but I think I'll wait to blog until tomorrow when I'm feeling a little more like myself. Until then, it's laundry, Crim Pro reading, and Dr. Phil. Thank the good lord above it's a federal holiday or I'd be at work right now, and I'm in no mood for that.

Also, I thought this picture was funny (and appropriate today considering my general state of mind). Courtesy of Ilovebacon.

Somebody's got a case of The Mondays!

I went and saw "In Her Shoes" today. I've said before that I LOVE Jennifer Weiner's writing, but I have to say that "In Her Shoes" is not my favorite of all her books....but it was still good, I'm not criticizing. Anyway, the movie was good...not great, but good. I definitely had some girl moments during it where I was being a little teary eyed and idiotic about my lack of a love life and what have you. I think I'm supposed to feel inspired about the main character, who (at least in the book) is sort of an average, regular woman who finds true love (blah blah blah), but instead I felt lonely and sad. I had a hard time with the inspiration part, but the Diet Coke was excellent.

Anyway, on that happy note, I think me and my case of the blahs are going to watch the Sunday night lineup -- Cold Case, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy -- and try not to think about having to be back at school tomorrow. At least it's a federal holiday so I don't have to go to work...I have a free day to make up some homework, and believe me, I need it.

UPDATE: Oh yay, I'm so glad I checked the status of my one Honors Application that's available online -- I've been officially rejected and I got to find out before even the official notification. That's so awesome. I can already tell I'm going to be one of those people without a job...god help me, if this D.C. interview doesn't go REALLY well, I'm going to truly start with the freaking out. It feels impossible to find a job as a 3L without the whole "summer firm experience." Sigh. My mom said she was putting the D.C. thing on her prayer tree or chain or whatever it is, I hope God is on my side about this one.

Just Because: Mike Rowe

I don't know if anyone else watches this show "Dirty Jobs" on The Discovery Channel. But, I gotta tell ya, Mike Rowe is so unbelievably cute! He's very rugged and masculine looking and he's SUPER funny, which I heart. Mike Rowe = total hottie. Anyway, we hadn't had a JB Boy around here in awhile and I was sitting here watching the show...so...there ya go.

Geez!

I decided to head to 7-11 for a Super Big Gulp after my jog today because, well, you can never have too much Diet Coke, and I had the most annoying experience.

They are doing all this road work on the four-lane road that runs in front of my apartment complex. So, there's like ten dump trucks parked on the streets around here, and all these construction people, and they've pulled up the top layer of asphalt for about twenty blocks up and down the street. I pulled out in Guacamole Kid's car to head to 7-11 (just up the street) and encountered my first flagger. Although there is a perfectly good light there, and the flagger didn't appear to be doing any traffic direction in addition to the light, he still made a point of waving me through. Two blocks up, yet another flagger. She was standing on the side of the road, away from traffic, with the "Stop" side of the sign pointed at me. However, since she wasn't anywhere near my lane, I didn't stop. She didn't seem to care. Then, another couple of blocks, another flagger. This one didn't have a sign...maybe he's on double secret sign probation or something. He waved me through yet another perfectly good stoplight with his bare hand. Frankly, when I drove through the bare handed flagger's area I felt like yelling "You can't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me, Mr. Bare Hands No Sign Flagger Guy!" Finally, a mere one block later, and perhaps one block from 7-11, ANOTHER damn flagger. This one was the worst. As each car would go by, she would tip the sign right towards the car and sort of wave it in the driver's face. And by "driver's face" I mean "my face." Seriously, I get it, "Slow." I was only going 15mph on a 40mph stretch of road -- no offense to Guac. Kid, but if I go much slower the car will stall out -- he did say something the other day about "adjusting the idle" or something.

Anyway, on the way home from 7-11 The Sign Bandit waved her sign in my face again..."STOP!" But, I had to stop because another construction vehicle was stopped in front of me blocking the whole road -- so see how the hostility was totally unnecessary? My God. I feel like I need to have a beer and relax after one lousy trip to 7-11...it was the Odyssey of the Flaggers.

Look, let someone else support Old Navy for awhile!

I just want to make sure that everyone knows that it's absolutely not OK to be wearing three articles of clothing made of fleece at the same time. I know this is the TVPNM and so there is this sort of...urge...to wear fleece head to toe. But, well...NO! Just no. Please.

Today I:

Turned in an 18 page memo to my boss that will probably cause him to want to strangle me...I'm not sure I was even coherent there at the end.

Had an interview that can only be described as...well...ummmmmmmm...not good. I won't go into details but it was just not good.

Drank beer. Yum. Beer.

Was forced to wear a suit to an interview (see above) that absolutely did not fit. As my friend E. says, having your clothes be too big is a "high-class problem," but still, I didn't have time to buy a new suit and I ended up looking (and feeling) like I was wearing clown pants.

Am going to bed early so that I can get up tomorrow and be productive. So. Far. Behind. In. School.

P.S. When is "How do you feel about your citation skills?" ever a good interview question? I try very very very hard not to put any thought at all into my citation skills, but thanks for asking. I'm pretty busy thinking about important stuff. Like beer. And boys. And global warming. And, uh, glitter lipgloss. No room for the Bluebook -- sorry dude!

It's me...only a lego

Thanks to Blonde Justice I was able to go HERE and make an EXACT REPLICA of myself, only as a lego. Fun! And frankly, a welcome break from trying to fix pretty much every cite in my memo. I do NOT heart the Bluebook.

I like long walks on the beach, and beer, and guns...how is that I'm still single?

The Aftermath

Well, after about two hours of full-on panic this morning, I figured out that (a) panic wasn't helping, and (b) I still had to finish my memo that's due tomorrow. So, I got to work on the memo, spent about 7 hours in the library, and am STILL NOT FINISHED.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have enough information for about ten memos, but am so worried about doing a good job that I just keep ADDING and ADDING and ADDING to it, instead of making it concise. Why oh why can't I get the hang of this legal writing thing? I am taking Legal Research II this quarter -- I figured there was no better way to learn than to force myself to do it, but I swear, I wonder if it will ever get less stressful.

Anyhow, for right now all is well in Favorable Dicta land. I thought a lot today about why I would feel so panicked about someone possibly finding the blog, and honestly, the feeling is kind of like being caught with your hand in the cookie jar. It's weird, I mean, all I really talk about it dumb stuff, but maybe that's the problem. I like the idea that I can bitch about school on here, and be stupid, and write nonsensical things about my love of beer and boys and Buffett...but at the same time, I probably wouldn't sit in my boss's (what the hell is the possessive of boss?) office and tell him all that, and I don't really want him to sit on here and read it. It's a conundrum. I want a safe place to spill my guts, but I only want people who are total strangers, and the friends that I trust, to read what I write. Weird, huh?

Oh crap.

So, I did something incredibly stupid this morning. I have all my email forwarded to my blog account (a decision I made a while back that I've known is going to get me in trouble), and today I accidentally responded to a bunch of people I worked with this summer on it. That's right, a bunch of people got an email from E. Spat instead of my real name.

My first reaction was total and complete panic. In fact, right now I am still pretty much in panic mode.

However, I talked to a friend of mine and she pointed out that (a) most of these people probably don't read blogs and will just think "hey, that's a weird email name" and then go about their day none the wiser, and (b) even if they do know or find out, so what? I mean, it's a personal blog where I talk about law school and my job hunt and stuff like that, and I've never blogged from work or talked about work except to say that I love it. So, really, what's the big deal?

Blogging is weird because it makes you think everyone KNOWS, or everyone is somehow going to find you out. I mean, realisitically, how many people who are busy in their day to day lives are going to take the time to google my email name just because...well, why would anyone do that?

Anyway, I'm trying to take some deep breaths, not panic, and resist the urge to delete the whole thing. I haven't done anything wrong but this really makes me think about what I'm doing here and whether, if I'm this panicked about people finding out, this whole thing is a good idea/moving in the right direction.

Wow. This is nuts.

YAY!

I got a second round interview for the job I interviewed for at OCI -- the one I REALLY LIKE and would actually be thrilled to get. So, I'll be going to D.C. in the next two or three week! YAY YAY YAY!!!

Note to self: No more inappropriate titles.

I'm alive. I did not get burned out of my apartment -- sadly, I think my apartment could use a good cleansing fire, but oh well.

Here's the thing. My new boss actually expects me to produce work. As in written product that he can read and understand. This is very stressful to me because, due to my total inability to organize my research and articulate my thoughts coherently, I am very afraid of turning in something that will make him cringe and tell all the people who could potentially hire me someday that I am a worthless imbecile with a cursory knowledge of the law and an almost addictive need to waste time. Anyway, Memo#1 is due on Friday before he leaves for the day so he can read it over the weekend. The issue is hugely complicated and I'm really struggling, but I have this plan for how I'm going to dedicate my afternoon tomorrow to getting it done. So, that's where I'll be if you don't hear from me. Executing the plan. And snacking.

Also, I have an interview on Friday directly before Memo#1 has be turned in. Geez.

Q&A

Q: "Hey, E.Spat, how was your jog today?"

A: "It was awesome until I got home and found out my apartment building was on fire."

More to come, there's smoke and fire and firefighters and firetrucks and what-have-you, but it seems to be in another wing of the building...no one is yelling at me to evacuate so I guess it's OK. But...scary, and smoky. And the firefighters are not as hott as one would hope.

Now, go listen to the song in the post below this one. Don't worry about me and the fiery doom and whatnot...but, uh...hey...do you have a couch I could sleep on? Just in case....

Who says Evidence isn't HOTT?

Thanks to AmbImb AGAIN, you are all invited to listen to the slightly racy song about Evidence written and performed by one of my classmates, John, during Evidence last year (well, technically he recorded this recently for me to post here, but he performed it live in class last year). Yes, it took me 6 months to get ahold of it and get it posted, but, you know...I persevered because it's so awesome.

(As an aside, you'll remember that for our Evidence class we got some participation points for doing something "creative" related to Evidence...this song and the video I link to below are two that really struck me as extra-special fabulous created by my super-ultra-talented classmates who are kind enough to let me post their work in my little corner of the blogosphere.)

Listen and learn people, listen and learn.

PS: The harmonica parts are performed by another friend of mine, Nikolai. You can see his artwork at the picture link under the "News and Stuff" header to the right, directly underneath "Blogs I Read."

PPS: You can still see the Evidence video I posted last year here.

PPPS: Once again, I'll reiterate that for Evidence credit I wrote a fairly crappy poem. Because, unlike my classmates, I'm not creatively talented like that.

It's a Good Thing

OK, I mentioned below that I have been buying up millions of new lipglosses because I found one I really like...and then in the comments there were demands to know what it was, etc. So, it's Cover Girl Wetslicks Crystals, and I heart it. There is also regular Wetslicks (presumably without the crystals), but what fun is it if there's no glitter?? Anyway, I will reiterate that this lipgloss makes me personally very happy and I accept no responsibility if you spend $5 and then hate it -- but you can send it to me and I'll be happy to take it off your hands...think of it as an early birthday present!

Day 986 of my captivity...but it's all good.

OK, I'm not sure it's been quite THAT many days since I started law school, but I swear it feels like it. I guess it's a pretty common problem to feel a bit of the 3L doldrums -- it's such a drag to be looking for job and worrying about that and still having to go to class and work and stuff. Blech.

On the up-side, look at all the good things that have happened to me:

- Guacamole Kid bought a new car and is letting me use his old one for a while 'till he sells it.

- Grandpa Spatula is out of the hospital after falling down last week and breaking a couple of bones in his pelvis...and he's FINALLY committed to selling his house and moving permanently into an assisted living facility...AND he's giving up his car (trust me, thank GOD he's finally gonna stop driving).

- A guy on the bus last week told me I was beautiful, and today a teenage girl saw me putting on lipgloss on my way to work and leaned over and told me "You're too beautiful to wear makeup -- you're naturally beautiful!!"

- My job is good and even though I'm writing the memo from hell and I still don't have a computer at my desk, I'm making some progress and I think I might eventually finish it...someday...soon, I swear.

- I had happy hour with some friends tonight and got to talk to new people about new things.

- I'm working out diligently and feeling pretty good and healthy and strong, most of the time (as opposed to none of the time, which is how I felt before).

- I got some fantastic new lipgloss that is just the right amount of glossy and not sticky...sigh...it's so goooooooooooood.

- Guac. Kid is going to start playing hockey again soon and that means...MORE BOYS ON SKATES!

- I'm within a couple of hours of finishing my very first crocheted afghan -- an undertaking of epic proportions if ever there was one.

- My parents are going to pay for a significant portion of a new laptop for me, AND I'm going to buy it when I go home to visit them for Christmas because their state has no sales tax.

- Jimmy Buffett is this month!! Of course, I have yet to buy a ticket because I've been trying to get everyone who's going on the same page schedule-wise, but I'm almost there I think.

So, you can see, although I don't have a job, or even a prospect of one, and I definitely am not in the swing of things school-wise yet, mostly life is going OK and aside from my naturally and melodramatically high level of angst and apathy, I am feeling pretty good.

From the (Un)Intentionally Racy Advertising Department.

Has anyone else noticed the new Nabisco Cheese Nips commercial?

The tagline is "When You Love Nips, It Shows"

Um. Yeah. Is it just me and my dirty mind or is that kind of...uh...creepy (and by creepy I mean "funny to others with dirty minds").

Send pics. Not THOSE kind...sheesh.

M. reported to me that she and K. got their mugs and that they were pretty cool. If anyone has gotten their mug and wants to send me a pic of it, I would love to see them. Extra bonus points if they contain adult beverages rather than coffee, but I'll accept anything you send my way! :)

As I just commented over at Law and Alcoholism, I'm still considering creating my ultimate blog merchandise dream, a "What Would Karl Llewellyn Do?" t-shirt. We'll see if that ever comes to fruition. I know it's probably only funny to like the 3 people from my 1L Contracts class who read this, but still, it always cracks me up. Professors who are obsessed with legal luminaries are funny. She even had a Karl Llewellyn hand-puppet. No really.

PS: If anyone knows of an EASY way to convert a .wav to an MP3 (or some other format that will make the infamous Evidence Song file small enough to email), I'd appreciate any advice. Right now it's 13.8MB and gmail will only accept attachments that are less than 10.

Oh SNAP

OK, who's seen this show on A&E, Family Forensics??

As my friend P. would say, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNN!

Basically, one person in the family (in the one I'm watching it's the stepfather) calls the show and asks to be on it. Then the family THINKS they're getting a vacation at a resort, but as they're walking out the door they find out that while, yes, they are getting the vacation, someone in their family called this show and while they're gone their entire lives will be gone through in minute detail to figure out a "family profile."

There is a detective, a criminalist and a psychologist that come in and go through the house like a crime scene. They read diaries, collect evidence, review financial statements, etc.... It's INSANE. I mean, they go through everything with the supposed purpose of helping the family to be totally honest with each other and improve their relationship.

If my husband or father called that show and got my family involved I would NEVER forgive him, and I mean it. Not because I have so much to hide, but because I think everyone is entitled to some privacy and it is such a huge breach of trust to have one member of your family sell out your entire private lives for a TV show.

Wow. I can't believe this show...it's so crazy.

Seriously though...

Why does the federal government have to make it so hard to apply for a job with them? I mean, why can't I just submit my resume and a cover letter and be done with it?

I got up early this morning because I have A LOT to do today and have been very productive already even though it is only 10:26am. Unfortunately I don't think I am motivated enough to head down to the school to study which is probably the one thing I really ought to do. I'm sitting here in my pajamas with all the creature comforts of home trying to convince myself that I'm disciplined enough to get all this stuff done without heading all the way to the library. It's cold and raining and I don't want to get on a bus to go to the school. I think I'll go to the store and get some groceries and then settle in and just try to get something done here. Surely I can be disciplined enough to make that happen, right? Well...don't hold your breath and I won't either.

Hellllllooooooo

I would blog more but I'm kinda drunk. Not drunk drunk, just "I don't feel like doing anything but laying on my couch and eating ice cream" drunk. So there ya go. I'm gonna try to finish the afghan I've been making in the next couple of days and then I'll post a pic of that and you'll all think I'm productive and shit. Tomorrow I have to make up five days of Crim Pro reading plus I owe my boss three hours of work. Sigh.

In other news, the Guacamole Kid is back in town (for those who don't know, he's a frequent commenter and fellow TVPNU law student plus a good pal and frequent egger-onner of E. Spat drunken antics) and it's good to have the whole gang back in town now. YAY!