The scene: The drycleaners near my house, right after I got home from work today.
The people: Me, the Drycleaning Lady (DL), the Owner of the Drycleaning place (O).
Me: "Hi, I'm here to pick up my suit!"
DL: "OK, here it is"
Me: "Uhhhhhh."
DL: "What? Not your suit?"
Me: "Well, that's my dress, that's my sweater, but my blazer is missing."
DL: "This not your blazer?" *Points to SWEATSHIRT hanging on hangar in my drycleaning bag*
Me: "That's a sweatshirt. I had a blazer. A black blazer. It goes with this dress...it's a two piece suit."
DL: "No, this is yours!"
Me: "NO, THIS is a SWEATSHIRT! I had a BLAZER! For a SUIT!"
DL: "So, you're saying this not yours?"
Me: "Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. I am missing a black suit blazer. Where is my blazer?"
DL: "Well, I guess it's not done yet."
Me: "But, the other pieces are done, so doesn't it make sense that it's done but that it's in the bag where this sweatshirt is supposed to be?"
DL: "No, is not possible! Not possible that they could get mixed up!"
Me: "CLEARLY IT IS FREAKING POSSIBLE! LOOK AT THAT SWEATSHIRT IN MY BAG! ALSO, WHO DRYCLEANS A NABISCO SWEATSHIRT???"
DL: "Well, I think you come back tomorrow?"
Me: "See, that's not going to work because I have an interview tomorrow and I HAVE to wear this suit!" *This is true, I do have an interview tomorrow and it is the only suit that fits me right now*
DL: "If you come back 7:30am, we can look then, maybe we will find."
Me: "Is the Blazer Fairy going to drop it off in the dead of the night?? NOOOOOO! I need to know where that blazer is! I HAVE AN INTERVIEW!"
DL: "Well, can I call my boss? You can talk to the owner?"
Me: "Sure, whatever."
O: "Hello. She says your jacket isn't done on time?"
Me: "No, the issue isn't that my jacket isn't done on time...it's that my jacket is missing, you have no idea where it's at, and there is no way to track it."
O: "Well, I am sorry. Perhaps you can come back on Friday?"
Me: "ABSOLUTELY NOT! NO! NO! NO! I used to work in a drycleaners for a LONG TIME and I know how these things work! You take the tags off for the customer, which I'm sure you think is nice, but it means that we can't track the customer this sweatshirt belongs to and figure out if they have my blazer. I NEED that blazer!"
O: "Oh, well, you worked at drycleaner, so you know how it is. Just come back in the morning."
Me: "I don't want to come back in the morning, I want someone to get off their ass and find my suit RIGHT NOW!"
O: "I am sorry, I understand you need the blazer, but these things happen...there is nothing I can do until tomorrow."
Me: "OH MY GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There is definitely something you can do! You could come here and look through everything until you find it, you could tell the girl who's here to show me every black blazer in the store until I find mine. There are LOTS of things you could do!"
O: "Well, we do have one blazer that isn't claimed. Maybe you could wear that tomorrow and then we could find yours?"
*DL shows me HIDEOUS blazer, no lapel at all, gold buttons...it's truly vile*
Me: "Never mind. I'll just...I don't know...figure something out."
O: "I am very sorry. I will try to find tomorrow!"
Me: "Yeah whatever."
*At this point I grab my bag of clothes, tell them I will be back tomorrow, and just walk out...I don't even THINK about paying*
About 3o minutes later the phone rings.
DL: "Uh, hello, E. Spat?"
Me: "Yes!"
DL: "We find your jacket and I just wanted to let you know you can pick it up in the morning."
Me: "I'll come by right now and pick it up."
DL: "Uh, well, it's not clean yet...we will clean tonight and then you can pick up in the morning..OK???"
Me: "Alright, whatever. I'll be there at 7:30am sharp. Thank you." *gigantic sigh*
If this was the only thing that happened today it would be enough, but of course it's not.
Did you ever forget your cell phone when you left the house in the morning?
Did you ever come home from a horrible altercation at the dry cleaners and have two new messages?
Was one of them from you parents letting you know the FBI is looking for you?
Was one from the FBI looking for you?
Was it ever too late to get in touch with the FBI to find out why they're looking for you?
Did you ever sincerely pray that you didn't do something in violation of federal law that you were too drunk to even remember?
Yeah, me neither.
I am sure it's probably a security clearance investigation for one of my many military/federal government employee friends...but still.
I'm going to bed. First, ice cream...then bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
