You SUCK

Dear Dirty Hippie in the Grocery Store Parking Lot,

When I came out of the grocery store this morning I saw the most horrible thing. A cute furry dog shivering in the parking lot, all alone. He looked so sad and unhappy, I immediately got teary eyed thinking of the poor little guy all alone in the world, standing in a parking lot, probably about to get hit by a car. He was shivering for God's sake!!

So, because I am a decent human being I stopped to see if the doggie had a collar, thinking I would call his owner. Imagine my surprise when the dog actually had a collar! I was so happy! I immediately got out my cell phone and tried to call the number.

When I got the voicemail of the owner I was disturbed, to say the least. It went on and on and on and on. "Hey dude, thanks for calling man! I'm out, like doing some errands and shit and, uh, dude, if you want to talk to me, leave me a message and, yeah dude, I'll totally get back to you later and stuff, dude."

So, I wasn't that surprised when behind me I heard "Hey lady, the dog is fine. He's good." And when I turned around there you were, coming out of the Dollar Store, of course. You had long stringy hair covered by the world's filthiest straw cowboy hat. With a feather. Also, I liked the touch of not wearing a shirt so we could all see your emaciated body and your creepy sharp ribs poking out of your second-hand Army jacket. The person who originally wore that jacket would probably shit himself if he saw it on you. The cut off jeans and flip-flops did a good job of completing the look. Too bad it's about 50 degrees outside.

You don't deserve that nice doggie. No person as idiotic as you should be allowed to have a wonderful, sweet, trusting animal that thinks in its dumb little head that you're going to take care of it and make sure it doesn't get killed by a car in a parking lot.

The fact that you actually HAD A CAR in the parking lot and STILL chose to leave your dog in the parking lot, shivering and vulnerable, just adds the cherry to the top of my sundae of hatred and anger.

Seriously, you can take the time to jauntily position a feather in your straw cowboy hat but you can't manage to put on a shirt? Or, say, leave your dog in the safety of your vehicle? You suck. I'm glad I didn't get close enough to smell you, because I bet you smell like patchouli. Asshole.

Sincerely,

E. Spat.

Kerry-okie

Tonight a bunch of us had drinks at a friend's house and then walked to a local bar where they happened to be having karoake (sp?) night. It was great fun and totally topped off by my friend's boyfriend singing Should I Stay Or Should I Go with her and I having a full on dance party/groupie mind meld in front of the stage. Great fun. Now I'm home and ready to start the real drinking tomorrow night. As if five margaritas and about seven beers wasn't enough. Whatever. I was totally serious about the whole diet/fitness routine starting tomorrow...or Monday...or...you know...whatever.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'll start tomorrow.

Because I felt like such a complete and utter bag of ass this morning, I made a Sept. 16th resolution to get back on the fitness and good eating bandwagon. Today. Or, maybe tomorrow. No, today. I promise. I mean it this time.

Then I went out and bought a ridiculously expensive purse. Because that's how I roll.

What is that pounding? Oh, it's IN my head...crap.

Oh man, I haven't tied one on like last night in a while...jesus. This morning I have been very productive though...I took some aspirin, drank a bottle of water, and watched two episodes of Buffy on cable. It's hard being this ambitious, I'll tell you what.

I had agreed to meet a couple of my friends downtown when they got off work and the bar we chose just happened to be having a charity thing where you bought a calendar full of pictures of half naked firefighters and they were there signing them and whatnot. There was a lot of ogling going on, which was fun...but...I don't know, I don't think we could compete with some of these girls who seem to pretty much be firefighter groupies. It was frankly a little bizarre. In the spring this same bar has an auction for charity where they auction off rugby players -- we're already making plans for that. Yummy.

I have just three more days to complete my MOST important Honors program application...still struggling with the personal statements. If I recover I'm going to work on it today.

Am I Drunk?

Yes. Yes I am. I am very VERY VERY drunk. In fact, I am so drunk that, at a bar tonight, I bought a Firefighter Calendar because the firefighters were there signing them, and I definitely drank a lot of beer and hit on a lot of firefighters.

At the same time, I am not drunk enough to forget that ADVANTAGE RENT-A-CAR DID NOT CALL ME BY 7PM TONIGHT LIKE THEY PROMISED. NO THEY DID NOT. NOPE. NOT EVEN ONE PHONE CALL. I HATE THEM.

Tomorrow I go to a low-key type bar-b-q. Saturday night - WE DRINK! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Woo Hoo

I am back in business -- internet at home!!! YAY! I am so excited to be back in my element -- with the cable and the internet and the Diet Coke and the huge effing mess...it's awesome!

I have to go mail out applications. The thankless work of finding a job never quits. Boo.

Interviews: The Good, The Mediocre and the...um...I only had two

I had two of my three OCI interviews today. The interview for the job I would really love to get went (I think) pretty well. I did forget to ask how long it would take them to get back to me...is there any appropriate way to find that out?

The other interview was OK but not great. For some reason I just wasn't connecting with the interviewer and I think part of it was that he was running about 1/2 hour late and I was just irritated from waiting by the time he got to me. Oh well.

In other news, Advantage Rent-A-Car still hasn't called me back. Monday by close of business my ass.

I can't believe it's already over!

I have been here a week (tomorrow). That means that tomorrow morning I have to get up early and my mom will drive me to the Amtrak station (about 2.5 hours away) and I will head back to the TVPNM. Man! How could it have gone by so fast!!??

I am over 1/2 done with my very first crocheted afghan. When I get home I'll take some pics and post them. My parents just got a new digital camera and it's too fancy for me to work -- my poor little pea sized brain can't handle this newfangled technology and whatnot.

Today I took a 3 mile hike through the mountains with my dad and Molly the Satanic Dog and now I am patiently awaiting the printer which is diligently producing multiple copies of my resume, writing sample and all the cover letters I've managed to get done (not nearly as many as I wanted to!). When I get back to the TVPNM I will take care of copying my "unofficial" transcript and grading policy (damn you people that ask for that -- without it my grades are WAY more impressive!). The stuff I didn't get to this week is mostly all the applications that were complicated in any way or asked me to do anything besides just write a cover letter...as soon as the instructions went past two steps I went ahead and moved onto the next thing. I need to be home to do complicated stuff -- trying to do it here is ridiculous. My mom comes in every five minutes to bring me cookies, the dog keeps dropping her slobbery Carl the Caveman toy on my lap, and my dad is always hounding to me to go for a bike ride/walk/hike/etc. For a small family, there's just peace! Of course, that's what I love about them.

Anyway, I asked Comcast to come hook up my cable modem on Thursday morning, but they haven't confirmed yet, so I'm not sure how that will work out. I will probably have some internet at the school on Wednesday while I'm down there for interviews, so I'll try to update on how they go. The two on Wednesday are both going to be interesting, but the first one is the one I would REALLY REALLY love to get. Of course, it's also the one I have almost no chance of getting -- but I'm going to try to impress them nonetheless. Wish me luck!

The Cover Letter Saga...it goes on and on and on...

Well, I did finish FOUR cover letters today...rather a miracle when you consider what a huge slacker I am. I also finished part one of the dreaded Honors Program two question sucker punch. I totally put together a satisfactory answer for "Why Do You Want To Work Here?" that doesn't include "hot guys in suits" or "it's in D.C. and there's a lot more hot guys in suits there than where I come from." TRIUMPH! Question two, "What's The One Thing You Want The Reviewer To Know About You?" is going a little bit slower. I mean, I am an awesome cook, I know the words to every Jimmy Buffett song ever written and can recall them even while drunk off my ass, I am currently about 1/4 of the way through crocheting my first afghan, and, let's face it, I have GREAT taste in beer. What's not to love??? Oh yeah, also, I would do ANYTHING to get this job...and I do mean ANYTHING. Read into that whatever you would like.

Aside from working on applications (hurry up and give me a job someone, I HATE doing these things!), I dyed my hair (OUT DAMN GRAY!), and am going to the video store soon with Mama Spatula to fetch "Sahara" so that she can moon over Matthew McConaghey (sp?)...her, NOT ME! I don't do stuff like that. Seriously.

Also, got a phone call randomly from an old flame...isn't that weird? Once we confirmed we were both doing good there was a moment of awkward silence and then a promise to "talk again soon" which will probably be in six months. Very strange.

Advantage Rent-A-Car also called me last night, supposedly the manager of the store I was given the shaft at. I don't think they are going to handle this the way I want them to, which should be no surprise at this point. The guy goes "Well, we did offer you a full-size Dodge Caravan, so it's not like we didn't offer you a car!" And I go "Well, Mike, here's the thing. First you offered me a 15-passenger van for over an hour, and then, after I stood there for an hour and a half, was treated like crap by your counter person, and was IN TEARS...and, oh yeah, after the counter lady saw me call Amtrak and make reservations, she offered me a full-size Caravan. So, you're right, I was offered a Caravan. A Caravan that I would have to pay full price for, put gas in, and drive through the MOUNTAINS in. So, no...that was not an acceptable solution to my problem. Mike."

He said he had to "investigat the issue further" and that he'd call me back on Monday. We'll see, but I think I'm gonna get no joy from Advantage Rent-A-Car. Those assholes.

Or are you just happy to see me?

The Scene: Mama Spatula goes to get in the car and all of the sudden springs back up and adjusts something in her pocket.

Me: "What is that?"

MS: "It's a banana!" **pulls banana out of pocket**

Me: "You have a banana in your pocket?"

MS: "Yeah" **said in the same way one would say "Well, DUH!"

Me: "Why?"

MS: "In case I start to have low energy...then I can refuel on the go!"

Me: "Uh...OK."

So, apparently Mama Spatula has taken to carrying bananas around in her pocket. Not a power bar, or a piece of candy, or something that isn't squishy AND smelly -- bananas.

Are we starting to understand how I turned out this way?

Man Down!

If an Energy Spatula falls in an empty forest, does she make a sound?

Yes.

She screams. Real real loud. And then she curses because her new black exercise pants with a hot pink stripe down the side got a rip in them. And then she pretends to be fine because Mama Spatula wants to take her to get a tetanus shot. What bleeding? I'm not bleeding!

I hate fitness.

Real Question this time...

When getting letters of recommendation from former employers, is it OK to just get sort of a generic letter (To Whom It May Concern) that you can send to potential jobs/clerkships/etc.? The example I have is addressed to a specific person, but, obviously, I am going to be applying to a lot of different stuff in the upcoming weeks and months and I think I just need something basic I can send to everyone.

I know one of you knows this. Don't make me call Career Services...in my weakened condition I'm not sure I would survive.

It's Freaky-Naughty

Question:

Could there by anything more awkward than watching Dodgeball with your mom and, when White is caught...ahem...fondling a slice of pizza...having your mom go "Gosh, I don't really understand why he had that pizza in his pants like that? That's not funny...it doesn't even make sense!"?

Answer:

No. Not since that time we watched Grease together and I finally realized that John Travolta was saying all the chicks would "cream" for greased lightning. I always thought that was an innocent movie about a boy and his car. Yeah.

In other news -- I just got back from a 90 minutes deep tissue massage so I have to go kill myself now in order to stop the pain. Or else maybe watch some TV and think about all the cover letters I didn't write today.

Why do I want to work here? Uh.....

I have spent, literally, HOURS working on my statement for a certain Honors Program application that is due next week which contains the following question: Why Do You Want To Work For This Place? (We won't even go into the last question which is "What's the one thing you want the reviewer of this application to know about you?" I HATE HATE HATE that question!)

I mean, I don't know if I have writer's block or what the hell my problem is, but I will write two paragraphs and then erase, two more, erase, two more, erase...ad infinitum.

Should I say it's the challenging nature of the work?

The wonderful opportunities for mentoring?

The ability to combine my past career experience and my legal education and start a new career that is perfectly suited for me?

The fact that, well, I just like it there????

WAHHHHHHHHHHH!

I swear, I keep waiting for my fairy godmother to come down from on high and scream at me "E. SPATULA -- USE YOUR WORDS!"

Why can't I do this? It's due in 7 days!!!!!!!!! Oh my GOD, panic!

In other news, I am learning to crochet these cool squares to put together to make an afghan...I finally made one last night that actually turned out square -- pictures to follow at some point. In the meantime, I have still about 20 cover letters to write, applications to mail/email/fax off, and this one application to finish -- the most important one -- the one I REAAAAALLLLY want. I'm getting a massage today, maybe it will align my chakras or something.

Buy a mug...help rescue an animal!

Here it is, the official Will Work For Favorable Dicta CafePress Store. Enjoy...and if anyone orders anything, let me know how it is...I'm very curious!

All proceeds through the month of September will be donated to the ASPCA Disaster Relief Fund to help with the rescue and care of animals left homeless by Hurricane Katrina and the reunification of pets and owners. Thanks!

Pepe LeMolly

Picture Molly the Satanic Dog frolicking along the golf course, enjoying her walk, sniffing trees, peeing on the fairways, maybe even sampling a delicious cat turd.

Now picture Molly the Satantic Dog walking behind a tree and getting a full frontal skunk spray from...well...let's call it POINT BLANK.

Now picture the entire Spatula clan standing in the driveway for two hours trying to deskunk Molly (and my dad who had to carry her home) with various potions cooked up by my mom from her gigantic Book 'O' Livin' in the Wilderness.

Domestic bliss I tell 'ya.

Leaving on a jet plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane

I would just like to state, for the record, that I am the worst effing suitcase packer EVER.

On the way here, my suitcase was .4 pounds below the weight limit, and what have I been doing? That's right...shopping! Meanwhile, the 50 pounds of crap I brought with me is mostly stuff I never wore, or really even looked at in a week. You would think the military would have taught me better than this, but, no.

M.'s plane leaves at 7am tomorrow so even though mine leaves much later I am going to the airport with her at the crack of dawn and I will be trying to get on an earlier standby flight. Traveling and packing is what makes a vacation seem like work, especially after the nightmare of a flight I had on the way out here.

Tonight we're going down to the Strip to perhaps see a show and do some drinking. I guess I'm not going to get to see American Storm, which is the one thing I really wanted to do here -- an excuse to come back I suppose. Hopefully we'll have a good last night and it won't leave me in a state of ickiness tomorrow morning that is incompatible with traveling. I hate that.

So, this is the last post until at least Monday. I don't have internet hooked up at my apartment yet (turned it off this summer), and I will be driving home to my parent's house all day Monday -- but if I get there early enough I will probably have some kind of good traveling story to post (or not...but I'll post it anyway and you can just pretend it was good).

I'm going to go try to finish packing, God help me. I've been watching the news about the Gulf Coast, and my heart just aches for those people -- it's horrible to watch. Today they showed a bar in Biloxi that I used to hang out in when I was stationed there for a couple months during my Air Force training, and it was just a pile of broken wood and a knocked down sign. The situation in New Orleans is heartbreaking, I just cry every time I see those people and what they're going through. I'm praying for them, and I know we all are...I hope that some supplies get there today.

I'll be back live from Oregon on Monday.

Blllllleeeecccchhhhh...

Oh my GODDDDD...all I have done for DAYS is eat! I feel so disgusting!

I never thought I would say this, but I can't wait to get home and back to getting regular exercise. I really felt like this summer I started to feel SO much better, physically and mentally, and after a week of sitting around doing nothing but eating I just feel gross. YUCK!

I'm getting excited to see my mom and dad and Molly the Satanic Dog...I wish so much they lived closer to a real city so that there would at least be the possibility of a job there after graduation -- but, alas, no. On the other hand, everywhere I'm applying for is far away, so I guess I haven't been looking too much in their area -- maybe I just need to try harder.

Are you guys still reading?

I wonder if my semi-erratic posting of late has driven away the regulars?

The people that I associate with being the original readers of this blog I don't think read it anymore. There are, of course, new readers, and some of the old readers are still around, but it's interesting that I don't feel like I know who I'm writing for anymore. I used to know everyone and talk to them all on email and even some by phone, but now it seems like they aren't really around and it's sort of discouraging. Am I boring? Am I not doing my blogging job? I think it's obvious that I've been traveling and living out of suitcases and just feeling very frazzled and stressed out and harried lately, and it affects my level of concentration as far as writing and posting stuff, but I hope some or all of you are still out there. I promise it will get better! And soon! I miss writing about my life and I miss sitting down and making time to post, I just haven't been up to it lately with all the stuff going on.

Anyway, hang in there readers who are left, I promise that the content around here will be up to it's usual marginally better than rock-bottom quality soon!

Diet Coke IS my middle name!

See below for the history of how I came into possession of all this crap. I heart Diet Coke. And I really REALLY mean it!

I heart aspartame.

I have been trying all morning to upload a picture of all the Diet Coke shit I bought at the World of Coca-Cola store last night, but I think dial-up is foiling my efforts. Damn you AOL! I will keep trying!

I got new Diet Coke socks because my old ones were totally falling apart, a light up Diet Coke pen, a GIGANTIC Diet Coke insulated cup/mug/thingie, and a Diet Coke magnet. This buying streak PALES in comparison to all the crap I bought at Margaritaville. I'm on a bit of a binge I'm afraid.

I also bought a REALLY cute dress for my friend's wedding on Sunday, and I think that I'll be able to wear it to work as well since it's kind of low-cut but in a way that can be disguised for work purposes (or not depending on how hot the boys there turn out to be). I'm excited because M. helped me pick it out and so I know she wouldn't lie and tell me it looks good if it sucks.

Anyway, hopefully a pic of the Diet Coke stuff will be forthcoming, we'll see if AOL wants to cooperate later. I have LOTS of stuff to talk about that I've been thinking about, but every time I write anything good (or put any effort whatsoever into a post), I get disconnected and lose all my work, so I think I'll wait. I'm kind of getting excited about school starting though, mostly because I'm so into my job and can't wait to go back to work.

I'll post at least once more before I leave Las Vegas.