Thursday, May 13, 2004
Hotel Workers gone WILD!
It must be so awful to have spent all that time becoming rich and famous only to have the peasants revolt...I bet somehow though, with just the right mixture of pharmaceuticals, they'll be able to forget the horror of sleeping at a hotel with...gasp...no turn-down service. We won't even talk about the trauma associated with an empty minibar...I mean, MY GOD, what is the world COMING to????
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue...
'I Want You': Love Letters To Student Land Teacher In Trouble
One note included a poem: "The smell of your cologne mixed w/sweat/ The sounds you make while - / The touch of your hands/ The taste of your mouth,/ There's more, but I won't embarrass myself by mentioning them."
Oh my god, at least have the dignity to copy off a Hallmark Card...plagiarism is SO much better than ever having someone find out you wrote this crap.
One note included a poem: "The smell of your cologne mixed w/sweat/ The sounds you make while - / The touch of your hands/ The taste of your mouth,/ There's more, but I won't embarrass myself by mentioning them."
Oh my god, at least have the dignity to copy off a Hallmark Card...plagiarism is SO much better than ever having someone find out you wrote this crap.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Cartoon Quiz
Vindication for the approximately 9,645,238 hours I spent watching cartoons as a kid. I blame the two questions I got wrong on the stress of law school and an improperly prepared outline.
I hope you ejoyed this '80s retro 'toon quiz!
Your final score is 8 out of 10 questions.
(Thanks to SMP? for the link)
I hope you ejoyed this '80s retro 'toon quiz!
Your final score is 8 out of 10 questions.
(Thanks to SMP? for the link)
Hell Hound
My mom and dad got a new dog a few months ago after our longtime family dog died in November...my mom is essentially the nicest, kindest human being ever and just couldn't stand not having a dog around the house. The new dog is named Molly. My mom called me yesterday SPECIFICALLY to tell me this story about Molly's latest "adventure".
Mom: "I saw Molly chewing something out in the yard today. So, I screamed 'MOLLY you drop that ICKY thing right now!!'"
Me: "Ewww, what was it"
Mom: "It's so gross"
Me: "What, what???"
Mom: "It was a hummingbird, she was eating a hummingbird"
Me: "OH MY GOD, are you kidding???"
Mom: "I know, it's awful...how did she catch a hummingbird anyway? I thought she was just eating cat poop from the next door neighbor's house again"
Me: "Oh yeah, cat poop is way better than a hummingbird"
So, of course I called my best friend who offered the following observation..."WHAT kind of SATANIC effing dog did your parents get??"
Mom: "I saw Molly chewing something out in the yard today. So, I screamed 'MOLLY you drop that ICKY thing right now!!'"
Me: "Ewww, what was it"
Mom: "It's so gross"
Me: "What, what???"
Mom: "It was a hummingbird, she was eating a hummingbird"
Me: "OH MY GOD, are you kidding???"
Mom: "I know, it's awful...how did she catch a hummingbird anyway? I thought she was just eating cat poop from the next door neighbor's house again"
Me: "Oh yeah, cat poop is way better than a hummingbird"
So, of course I called my best friend who offered the following observation..."WHAT kind of SATANIC effing dog did your parents get??"
Put down the Harry Potter book...that's it...slowly....
"Whispering shop windows will soon be exported to Germany by a small British company that says they will turn heads and draw customers into shops."
If this doesn't work they will be trying free Quidditch lessons for the muggles in the quad every afternoon and a free bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans for every purchase of two or more Nimbus 2000 racing brooms. Yeah.
If this doesn't work they will be trying free Quidditch lessons for the muggles in the quad every afternoon and a free bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans for every purchase of two or more Nimbus 2000 racing brooms. Yeah.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
On Campus Interviewing: Where grades are the most important thing about you, EVER!
After missing the OCI meeting yesterday, I eagerly attended the one today that was focused on firm recruiters and alumni coming in to tell us what they look for in OCI candidates and how their firms handle hiring.
Here are the highlights...organized by category for your reading pleasure.
Resumes
- Resumes should be no longer than one page long. Your class rank should be displayed in 87.5 point font on that page. You won't need another page because everything else about you is unimportant to us.
- Typos will be punished with death.
- Your resume will be put into one of three piles: Hell No, Probably Hell No, and Excellent Grades
Cover Letters
- Cover letters should be used to highlight things that make you stand out. For instance: excellent grades, really good grades, and outstanding grades. If you have excellent grades you may use your cover letter to expound upon any other interests you have as long as they are entirely mainstream and in no way interesting or offensive to anyone, even babies.
Interviews
- You should not chew gum, wear inappropriate attire, or call your interviewer by the wrong name during the interview. We do not think it is ironic at all that even though we only want to interview the top 10% we still have to tell them basic stuff like this. We do not believe in professional natural selection.
- The above goes double for cutesy email addresses and stupid voicemail greetings. The fact that you got the most outstanding grades means we are totally willing to overlook the fact that you don't know hotteenslutbunny69@email.com is not an appropriate email address for your resume and we will continue to tell you to change it in the simplest possible terms at least 5,673 times between now and August. If you forget, that's OK. Smart people can be so disorganized...smile.
- Ask "hardball" questions during your interview. For instance "How important are grades to this firm?" and "How often do you hire someone not in the top 10%?" That way we can all have a laugh at the expense of the "other half"...er..."other 90%."
- If you do get an interview make sure that whatever happens you don’t act like yourself, unless you got good grades in which case you may act like yourself for the first five minutes and then not at all ever again.
- Be honest, but not about anything important. Read our bio's before interviews and then like whatever we like...see, isn't that better for everyone?
Alternative Ways to Get Hired/Atmosphere
- If your grades are bad one thing you could do is go find a job at "another" firm, by which we mean someone with no standards that would hire a "bottom 90%" person, and then come back and apply laterally in three or four years.
- All firms are different, we're not sure how, but it's true.
General Advice
- Don't wear tongue-rings, it confuses the interviewers because that's all they can pay attention to. (I swear they said this...against all odds, I will refrain from commenting).
- Students from your law school are just as competitive as people from Harvard. No seriously. Quit laughing.
- Students from your law school have a reputation for being a little too relaxed in interviews. This is detrimental because there are a lot of people from the East Coast that want these jobs. (Once again, I'm not even exaggerating this one for humor).
Best Question of the Day Award goes to one of my (presumably) regular readers who asked, out loud..."What advice would you give people with average grades and no particularly outstanding talents?"
Answer: "If you have life experience by all means put it on your resume. But, try to do it in one page. We hate to read more than one page. We are very busy. And don't mention what high school you went to. Even if it's Exeter. What is up with these Exeter people? Oops..I hope I didn't offend anyone in here who went to Exeter"
Me to person sitting next to me: "What's Exeter?"...to which the five closest people turned around and looked at me like I had stepped off a spaceship...with a probe.
Here are the highlights...organized by category for your reading pleasure.
Resumes
- Resumes should be no longer than one page long. Your class rank should be displayed in 87.5 point font on that page. You won't need another page because everything else about you is unimportant to us.
- Typos will be punished with death.
- Your resume will be put into one of three piles: Hell No, Probably Hell No, and Excellent Grades
Cover Letters
- Cover letters should be used to highlight things that make you stand out. For instance: excellent grades, really good grades, and outstanding grades. If you have excellent grades you may use your cover letter to expound upon any other interests you have as long as they are entirely mainstream and in no way interesting or offensive to anyone, even babies.
Interviews
- You should not chew gum, wear inappropriate attire, or call your interviewer by the wrong name during the interview. We do not think it is ironic at all that even though we only want to interview the top 10% we still have to tell them basic stuff like this. We do not believe in professional natural selection.
- The above goes double for cutesy email addresses and stupid voicemail greetings. The fact that you got the most outstanding grades means we are totally willing to overlook the fact that you don't know hotteenslutbunny69@email.com is not an appropriate email address for your resume and we will continue to tell you to change it in the simplest possible terms at least 5,673 times between now and August. If you forget, that's OK. Smart people can be so disorganized...smile.
- Ask "hardball" questions during your interview. For instance "How important are grades to this firm?" and "How often do you hire someone not in the top 10%?" That way we can all have a laugh at the expense of the "other half"...er..."other 90%."
- If you do get an interview make sure that whatever happens you don’t act like yourself, unless you got good grades in which case you may act like yourself for the first five minutes and then not at all ever again.
- Be honest, but not about anything important. Read our bio's before interviews and then like whatever we like...see, isn't that better for everyone?
Alternative Ways to Get Hired/Atmosphere
- If your grades are bad one thing you could do is go find a job at "another" firm, by which we mean someone with no standards that would hire a "bottom 90%" person, and then come back and apply laterally in three or four years.
- All firms are different, we're not sure how, but it's true.
General Advice
- Don't wear tongue-rings, it confuses the interviewers because that's all they can pay attention to. (I swear they said this...against all odds, I will refrain from commenting).
- Students from your law school are just as competitive as people from Harvard. No seriously. Quit laughing.
- Students from your law school have a reputation for being a little too relaxed in interviews. This is detrimental because there are a lot of people from the East Coast that want these jobs. (Once again, I'm not even exaggerating this one for humor).
Best Question of the Day Award goes to one of my (presumably) regular readers who asked, out loud..."What advice would you give people with average grades and no particularly outstanding talents?"
Answer: "If you have life experience by all means put it on your resume. But, try to do it in one page. We hate to read more than one page. We are very busy. And don't mention what high school you went to. Even if it's Exeter. What is up with these Exeter people? Oops..I hope I didn't offend anyone in here who went to Exeter"
Me to person sitting next to me: "What's Exeter?"...to which the five closest people turned around and looked at me like I had stepped off a spaceship...with a probe.
When I said "sparkling wine" I really meant "scotch"
This guy had a blood alcohol level TWICE what is considered life-threatening to "normal" people. When I say "normal" I of course mean "would never allow it to get out that they set drunkenness record while hopped up on sparkling wine." Please.
Hell yeah I'm allowed to have lighter fluid...I do what I want!
I got another informative email from our Student Housing Office this morning...
Glorified Graduate Dorm Residents,
The policies regarding the possession and use of BBQ's in GGD
have been looked at. Hibachis, charcoal and lighter fluid are allowed in
GGD. Propane, however, is not. If you are in possession of
propane, please remove it immediately.
I would like to point out that we have also been warned, several times, STERNLY, that boxed wine is strictly forbidden. Propane and boxed wine...tools of the devil.
Glorified Graduate Dorm Residents,
The policies regarding the possession and use of BBQ's in GGD
have been looked at. Hibachis, charcoal and lighter fluid are allowed in
GGD. Propane, however, is not. If you are in possession of
propane, please remove it immediately.
I would like to point out that we have also been warned, several times, STERNLY, that boxed wine is strictly forbidden. Propane and boxed wine...tools of the devil.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Who's this baby's daddy?
The EXACT SAME THING happened to a girl I went to high school with! Thank god successive inbreeding is the problem...that means regular inbreeding is perfectly OK...good news for my ex in-laws in South Florida.
Odds and Ends...
Congratulations to my roommate for being the blog's 666th visitor. Seriously.
******************************************************************************************
Also, I would like to introduce two of my readers to each other...they both found the blog through Google searches and I think they would make a great couple. Mr. "Will work for milk kitten," meet Ms. "James Spader has scoliosis." Best wishes to you kids...I hope it works out!
******************************************************************************************
Finally, heartfelt thanks to How Appealing for putting up a link, and Evan at Notes from the (Legal) Underground for the mention in the Weekly Roundup...between the two of them my readership is up 953%. I'm not sure if I'm too cool to be a lawyer...but I appreciate the vote of confidence!
******************************************************************************************
Finally (and this time I mean it), this is the email I got from Career Services today regarding a "CRUCIAL" meeting regarding fall on-campus interviewing...
MONDAY, MAY 10th
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 12:43:17 -0700 (PDT)
Overview of the Fall Recruiting (OCI) Process -- 12:30-1:20, Room 133
Please join John Doe and Jane Doe of Career Services as they
impart crucial insight into the OCI Process. (emphasis added)
Yeah...I might have been there if I had known about it more than 13 minutes AFTER the CRUCIAL meeting started. Nice.
******************************************************************************************
Also, I would like to introduce two of my readers to each other...they both found the blog through Google searches and I think they would make a great couple. Mr. "Will work for milk kitten," meet Ms. "James Spader has scoliosis." Best wishes to you kids...I hope it works out!
******************************************************************************************
Finally, heartfelt thanks to How Appealing for putting up a link, and Evan at Notes from the (Legal) Underground for the mention in the Weekly Roundup...between the two of them my readership is up 953%. I'm not sure if I'm too cool to be a lawyer...but I appreciate the vote of confidence!
******************************************************************************************
Finally (and this time I mean it), this is the email I got from Career Services today regarding a "CRUCIAL" meeting regarding fall on-campus interviewing...
MONDAY, MAY 10th
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 12:43:17 -0700 (PDT)
Overview of the Fall Recruiting (OCI) Process -- 12:30-1:20, Room 133
Please join John Doe and Jane Doe of Career Services as they
impart crucial insight into the OCI Process. (emphasis added)
Yeah...I might have been there if I had known about it more than 13 minutes AFTER the CRUCIAL meeting started. Nice.
The Brief is Done...On to Registration
I turned the brief in this morning...let's take a moment of silence to mourn my Basic Legal Skills grade...
There. Now I can move on to registering for classes, a process that is slightly more difficult than performing your average invasive neurological procedure. The whole registration thing has been pretty well hashed over in other places, but suffice it to say that with my remedial math skills trying to plan classes when there are three quarters and each class can last one, two or three quarters, is a complete nightmare. Every time I look at the NINETEEN PAGE planning packet (thanks for keeping it concise Academic Services) I get that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that always reminds me of when I would see the math teacher take out a pair of dice and say "Class,let's talk about Probabilities...." Perhaps this is a task that the Cabana Boy can be in charge of once he's "on board" if you will. Delegation is key.
There. Now I can move on to registering for classes, a process that is slightly more difficult than performing your average invasive neurological procedure. The whole registration thing has been pretty well hashed over in other places, but suffice it to say that with my remedial math skills trying to plan classes when there are three quarters and each class can last one, two or three quarters, is a complete nightmare. Every time I look at the NINETEEN PAGE planning packet (thanks for keeping it concise Academic Services) I get that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that always reminds me of when I would see the math teacher take out a pair of dice and say "Class,let's talk about Probabilities...." Perhaps this is a task that the Cabana Boy can be in charge of once he's "on board" if you will. Delegation is key.
French Cop Part-Time Prostitute, Full-Time Weirdo
"A French policeman faces trial in a police court for driving under the influence after he was stopped at the wheel of his car drunk and wearing only a pair of fishnet tights."
Listen, sometimes we all need to make a little extra money...what's so wrong with drunkenly whoring yourself out even though you're a police officer? Hmmmmmm?
Listen, sometimes we all need to make a little extra money...what's so wrong with drunkenly whoring yourself out even though you're a police officer? Hmmmmmm?
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Frogs, Meet Brief...Brief, Go to Hell.
"California biologists are alarmed over the latest invasive species to take up residence in this city: African clawed frogs, which eat just about anything and tend to breed like crazy...they alter ecosystems by gobbling up insects, fish, lizards and even birds that fit into their large, tongueless mouths."
Too tired to comment...nobody informed me that the Table of Authorities would take roughly as long to finish as the last ice age. I've given up on the bus scenario (see Update below), but I've moved on to hoping for an infestation of African clawed frogs...although I bet they wouldn't eat my brief. It's probably the only thing on the whole planet they wouldn't shove into their large, tongueless mouths...(Note to mind: Get out of the gutter). Anyway, no word from my partner yet so I'm toiling in solitude just waiting for the frogs.
Too tired to comment...nobody informed me that the Table of Authorities would take roughly as long to finish as the last ice age. I've given up on the bus scenario (see Update below), but I've moved on to hoping for an infestation of African clawed frogs...although I bet they wouldn't eat my brief. It's probably the only thing on the whole planet they wouldn't shove into their large, tongueless mouths...(Note to mind: Get out of the gutter). Anyway, no word from my partner yet so I'm toiling in solitude just waiting for the frogs.
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Law School Prom -- After (No)Action Report
The Law School Prom was rather disappointing in that nothing untoward happened that I can blog about in any sort of humorous manner. The best part of the evening was when that Nelly song came on where the chorus goes "Must be the money..." and frankly, I felt like that was the most animated anyone was all evening, I mean, people were INTO it...imagine that...a bunch of future lawyers...amazing!! Anyway, the night was pretty fun and we're home early in deference to the home stretch on the brief, which is due Monday morning at 9am. Ack!
Congrats to everyone who has finished finals and is out there partying it up for real...I'm jealous!!
Congrats to everyone who has finished finals and is out there partying it up for real...I'm jealous!!
OHMYGOD!
This is so awful! My dad is a helicopter pilot (Jolly Greens...That Others May Live...especially fighter pilots...) and this just gives me chills...ugh.
Wanted: Cabana Boy for Slightly Insane, Hard to Please Law Student
Must resemble either James Spader or The Rock (but not both because that would be weird). Should be able to defoil Caramel Hershey’s Kisses at roughly the speed of light while simultaneously dropping them into my mouth as I type/outline/brief/stare like a zombie into space/etc. Must demonstrate the ability to put a Diet Coke in the freezer for the exact amount of time it takes to get it perfectly cold, but not so long that it gets frozen, which, as you should already know, can make it watery and icky. Foot massages are a must, but only the quiet kind where you don’t try to chit-chat with me while you’re touching my feet because that creeps me out. Must be willing to admit, out loud (and often), that I am the boss of you.
I am a law student with crazy eyes, and a hunchback from carrying around 50 pounds of books because I’m too cool to use a rolling bag but not too cool for scoliosis. I don’t get out of the library much, but when I am spotted “in the wild,” I am usually curled up in the fetal position crying softly and repeating the First Amendment over and over while squinting from the bright, bright sunlight that hurts my mole-like, underground library habitat afflicted eyes. I will be accepting applications until the position is filled or until I have a nervous breakdown, whichever comes first. In the event of an interview the attire will be “Cabana Boy Casual.”
I am a law student with crazy eyes, and a hunchback from carrying around 50 pounds of books because I’m too cool to use a rolling bag but not too cool for scoliosis. I don’t get out of the library much, but when I am spotted “in the wild,” I am usually curled up in the fetal position crying softly and repeating the First Amendment over and over while squinting from the bright, bright sunlight that hurts my mole-like, underground library habitat afflicted eyes. I will be accepting applications until the position is filled or until I have a nervous breakdown, whichever comes first. In the event of an interview the attire will be “Cabana Boy Casual.”
Things they don't teach in Law School...
How to make margaritas during court.
How to play the bagpipes during court.
How to make a paperclip sculpture (or necklace if that's what you're into) during court.
How to finally program your cell phone to have different rings for different people during court.
How to turn each sheet of the complaint into a unique and meaningful piece of origami during court.
How to give yourself a relaxing manicure and hand hair trim during court...
How to play the bagpipes during court.
How to make a paperclip sculpture (or necklace if that's what you're into) during court.
How to finally program your cell phone to have different rings for different people during court.
How to turn each sheet of the complaint into a unique and meaningful piece of origami during court.
How to give yourself a relaxing manicure and hand hair trim during court...
Friday, May 07, 2004
$100 gone...just GONE
I spent $100 to get my hair done today, something that I think only girls probably do on a regular basis (spending that amount of money, not getting their hair done, or at least cut), and the man that did my color and highlights not only subjected me to a diatribe on what's going on in the Middle East, but he also poked me in the eye (HARD) while washing my hair, and didn't do a great job on my hair (although after he washed it he declared "I did a damn good job!" for all to hear, of course, I couldn't tell because I was too busy trying to hold my eyeball in). For $100 I expect at the very least to be able to relax. Think of all of the ways I COULD have spent that $100 that would have allowed me to relax/have fun/forget law school.
100 20 oz. Diet Cokes
50 bags of Hershey's Caramel Kisses
10 pitchers of Rogue Dead Guy Ale -- a wonderful beer made near my hometown in Oregon
5 pedicures where they paint little tiny flowers on your big toes and put a rhinestone in the middle of each one
4 ridiculously expensive lip glosses from Sephora that I would love and cherish and ultimately leave on the bus
2 tickets to see Jimmy Buffet this summer
1 of my favorite X-box game EVER...PLUS enough money left over to rent a car and go home for the weekend to play it on my parents' X-Box (b/c I'm poor and X-Box-less and also they feed me and my mom does my laundry...I know, it's sick)
100 20 oz. Diet Cokes
50 bags of Hershey's Caramel Kisses
10 pitchers of Rogue Dead Guy Ale -- a wonderful beer made near my hometown in Oregon
5 pedicures where they paint little tiny flowers on your big toes and put a rhinestone in the middle of each one
4 ridiculously expensive lip glosses from Sephora that I would love and cherish and ultimately leave on the bus
2 tickets to see Jimmy Buffet this summer
1 of my favorite X-box game EVER...PLUS enough money left over to rent a car and go home for the weekend to play it on my parents' X-Box (b/c I'm poor and X-Box-less and also they feed me and my mom does my laundry...I know, it's sick)
Theme: Dorks Under the Sea
This guy is holding open auditions for a date to his school's Senior Prom. He admits he's "horrible with the ladies." Here's the supporting evidence in his own words:
"That's why he scrawled out a call for auditions on a flier that includes the tantalizing image of Jack in the Box's globe-headed mascot."
"As for his preferences, Bailey really doesn't have any, as long as his date has a playful spirit and can dance. Bailey is partial to breakdancing, himself."
"I'm actually kind of nervous. I don't really have any expectations."
"As for the date, Bailey doesn't have many expectations either. "I like cheap," he said."
The method for this madness is an interview style question and answer session with "judges" grilling the girls about their choices in bread (I swear it said that in the story), and then a "winner" will be picked.
The moral of this story is that this total dork is going to have a date to his Prom (hopefully she'll be cheap and like to breakdance, but if not, that's OK because he has no expectations anyway)...and I am going to Law Prom tomorrow night with no date. I guess I should have held the auditions earlier.
"Sir, tell us why you'd like to take Energy Spatula to the Law Prom?"
"Uh...I like to breakdance"
"What can you offer Energy Spatula as a date in terms of ensuring her good time?"
"Well...unlike her last 50 dates I won't take her to Chili's, instead, we will go to Bennigan's"
"What will you bring Energy Spatula to show her that you're interested in her"
"Oh wait, I'm supposed to pretend to be interested...her other dates never had to pretend to be interested..."
"Sir, what refreshing carbonated beverage would you serve to Energy Spatula after a hot, sweaty night of breakdancing?"
"Diet Pepsi?"
"WRONG"
"Diet Sprite?"
"WRONG"
"Screw this...this girl sounds like a maniac...I'm going home to watch 'What Not to Wear'"
"That's why he scrawled out a call for auditions on a flier that includes the tantalizing image of Jack in the Box's globe-headed mascot."
"As for his preferences, Bailey really doesn't have any, as long as his date has a playful spirit and can dance. Bailey is partial to breakdancing, himself."
"I'm actually kind of nervous. I don't really have any expectations."
"As for the date, Bailey doesn't have many expectations either. "I like cheap," he said."
The method for this madness is an interview style question and answer session with "judges" grilling the girls about their choices in bread (I swear it said that in the story), and then a "winner" will be picked.
The moral of this story is that this total dork is going to have a date to his Prom (hopefully she'll be cheap and like to breakdance, but if not, that's OK because he has no expectations anyway)...and I am going to Law Prom tomorrow night with no date. I guess I should have held the auditions earlier.
"Sir, tell us why you'd like to take Energy Spatula to the Law Prom?"
"Uh...I like to breakdance"
"What can you offer Energy Spatula as a date in terms of ensuring her good time?"
"Well...unlike her last 50 dates I won't take her to Chili's, instead, we will go to Bennigan's"
"What will you bring Energy Spatula to show her that you're interested in her"
"Oh wait, I'm supposed to pretend to be interested...her other dates never had to pretend to be interested..."
"Sir, what refreshing carbonated beverage would you serve to Energy Spatula after a hot, sweaty night of breakdancing?"
"Diet Pepsi?"
"WRONG"
"Diet Sprite?"
"WRONG"
"Screw this...this girl sounds like a maniac...I'm going home to watch 'What Not to Wear'"
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