Sunday, March 01, 2009

I think we're alone now.

I've been trying to think about what to write...not coming up with much. I feel a little...blah.

I always dreamed that I would get pregnant and suddenly feel all glowy and wonderful, eating ice cream and caressing my beautiful belly as my adoring husband gazed at me...adoringly. Instead, I am barely showing (at nearly 5 months), ice cream makes my stomach hurt, and although my husband is adoring, he has his own life to live so the gazing time is somewhat limited.

I'm an only child, so I don't have an older (or younger) sister to compare myself to, and most of my friends don't have children yet. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal or not. I'm lonely. I feel isolated in my pregnancy. My husband is great, but he doesn't understand how bad my hips hurt, and how I want to cry all the time, and how I just want to be able to feel the baby move so I can have some companionship in this whole journey. And my hips really, really hurt.

Now that I'm pregnant, I'm realizing how much of my life was built on social drinking. Having a glass of wine with my husband, meeting my friends for drinks after work or to dish about whatever. Obviously I can still do all those things...but without the booze. I feel left out - like I haven't even had the baby yet and I'm already expected to just sit at home while everything I used to do goes on without me. My husband says "Wow, think about how much our lives will change after this baby comes". I'm like "Hey...guess what, my life IS changed. Right now!" Let's not even go into falling asleep at 9:30 only to wake up 4 times to pee!

I know I sound like a hormonal, resentful, shrew. I promise I'm not. I just wish I had more people to talk to, more stuff to do that isn't at a bar where I sit and watch everyone else drink, more of my pre-pregnancy dream of what this would all be like. I wish my mom lived here. I want my mommy! WAH!

Anyway, enough angst. I'm excited that we're going to find out the gender this week - provided the baby is cooperating. I'm a little worried that they could find something wrong, but a LOT excited about seeing the baby and knowing whether it's a boy or a girl I'm talking to all the time.
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