FYI

de·onto·logi·cal: Ethical theory concerned with duties and rights.

This word is in my PR book so many times that I'm starting to think Martyn & Fox got some kind of kickback from Kant.

I'm semi-ashamed that I had to look up the definition, and then I had to read another thing about it to understand what the hell they were talking about. I'm not one of those people that ever put much effort into their skoolinn and I'm not afraid to admit that I do not understand most of the shit that people in my classes talk about with such ease. Like philosophical theories and whatnot.

I took Philosophy 101 in college (at Florida State University). My "professor" mostly talked about all the Ecstasy he was taking (relatively novel still in 1993 I think, or maybe I was just out of touch), and how it would give him 3-day erections and then he would look lasciviously out into the auditorium for some nice freshman girls to fondle. He also mentioned in passing his hatred of cops, and his experimentation with virtually every drug known to mankind and how "like, totally mind-expanding" drugs could be. I actually just went back and looked, and the guy isn't a faculty member there...I wonder now if he wasn't a grad student. Jesus. Back then I thought these people teaching my classes were so smart and accomplished and wonderful...now I realize they may very possibly have been people younger than I am now who did lots of drugs and probably read our papers aloud to each other for their own amusement. Damn.

Here's how long ago that was: I got a computer my last year of college (1998). Prior to that I used one of those word-processing typewriters that you could put a disk into and save stuff on. My parents bought it for me as the "best alternative" for getting papers and stuff done since "students don't need anything as fancy and expensive as a computer."

Anyhow, this post was meant to be short, and somehow became long. Still haven't written my Admin comment...I *think* he said as long as we got it in by the last day of class (Thursday) it would be counted as on time. Hmmmm...oh well, either way it's not getting done until tomorrow, so I guess I won't worry about it. I have 118 pages of typed notes from that class. It's the most notes I've ever taken in a law school class (normally after an entire quarter I have somewhere between 0-20 since I rarely take notes). I'm hoping that the copious notes bode well for reviewing this weekend. I still have to learn of all PR before Monday morning too, so that's sort of my first big task. Also, that would be a class where I have a grand total of ZERO pages of notes. Why do I do that? It's a mystery. But, thanks to the magical curve it's not a problem...somehow I always manage to pass. I think I have an above-average ability to shove a lot of info into my brain in a short period of time. I also ONLY work well under stress. For instance, exams are in less than a week, and I'm watching TV, blogging, and trying to figure out what deontological means, even though it's totally unnecessary in the grand scheme of PR. SLACKER -- Thy name is E. Spat!

Tuesday Spies ©

Yeah, I didn't feel like doing this on Friday. But, I spent a goodly part of the afternoon drinking a nice local microbrew, and I'm actively avoiding writing a comment for Admin that was due yesterday (OOPS!), so, I thought, why not do this right now? Thanks (as always) to the gentlemen (and lady, if she's still around) of BTQ.

1. What is the best thing about the city in which you live? What is the worst?

Best: The four days a year when it's not raining are beautiful. The public transportation rarely has touchers on it, mostly just talk-to-selfers and public fingernail-cutters. There are a lot of bars.

Worst: The hippies, oh GOD, the hippies.

2. Describe an idea or invention of yours that you would like to see turned into reality.

Glitter golf balls. Yeah, that's right...glitter...it's the only thing that could get me enthused about golf.

Mail-order husbands from Alaska (or some other place with way more men than women). Order up the man of your dreams off the internet and have him delivered in 7-10 business days right to your front door!!

3. Name an overrated author, musician, and movie. Name an underrated author, musician, and movie.

Overrated: Steven King, Eminem, Sideways.

Underrated: Jennifer Weiner (should be required reading for all women, everywhere), Johnny Horton (Folk music about the founding of this country...hell yeah!), Secretary (not sure if it's underrated, but I think more people should see it!).

4. If your life were a sitcom slated to air in the fall, what would the show be called? Who would you cast in the starring role? And for extra credit, give us a brief treatment of the show.

The sitcom of my life would be called "Margaritaville." (DUH!)

The starring role would be played by Sara Rue as she has red hair like moi, and is also the only actress in all of Hollywood who is not far to skinny to acurately portray me (HEY LOOK -- TWO misspelled words in one sentence, maybe three if I misspelled misspell. I just wanted you to know that I did indeed notice, but don't intend to fix it...instead I intend to write three entirely new sentences about it. -- Ed.). Sure, she gets typecast as the funny best friend all the time, but whatever, that's pretty much like my life anyway.

Here's my "treatment."

The main character, Jane (well, E. Spat sounds stupid!), would be a girl who, in the past, had a really responsible career, has two ex-husbands, and started law school only to drop out in her second year. After she drops out, she moves to a small island where she runs a bar and begins a career as a romance novel writer, basing her characters on the men she meets running the only bar on the entire island...mostly pirates and crazy fisherman. Eventually she becomes quite famous and rich from her filthy novels and moves back to the United States where she opens up a 500 acre no-kill animal shelter and has a kajillion doggies and kitties that she takes care of with her faithful cabana boy husband, Jean Carlos Demetrios Cartwright Anderssen dos Santos O'Sullivan IV.

5. When is the fun supposed to start?

If you find out, let me know...I'm hoping that it will be starting in less than two weeks in D.C.

Better watch my step, if the floor caves in, I'll go right straight to hell!

Let me set the scene for you.

I went downtown right after Admin to return my rental car. When I get to the place, there is this huge ass white van blocking the ONLY entrance into the garage, so I'm stuck behind them with the back of my car sticking out into oncoming traffic and blocking one entire lane almost. There is clearly room for the van to pull either all the way into the garage, or to pull up enough for me to get by. The side door is open and there's a lady doing something (I can't see her or what she's doing, only her feet under the door), and there's about 4 or 5 kids running around the inside of the van. This goes on for perhaps 5 minutes or so...enough time for the light behind me to change at least four or five times, and for traffic to get all messed up behind me and people to start honking. And then...

Me (to self): "G*DDAMNIT! What the F*CK is wrong with these stupid people...JESUS H. CHRIST."
Me (to self some more): Repeat above, only with more curse words and hand gestures.

People in van: Totally oblivious to the fact that they are blocking the entrance and screwing up an entire lane of downtown traffic.

Man to the rescue!

I see a man come running out of the garage and lean in the window to (presumably) tell the woman driving to move the van. The kids sit down and the other woman at the side door gets in and sits down as well. The man turns around and IT'S A PRIEST! The women in the van? NUNS! I'm sure the kids were orphans too...

Oh my god, I screamed profanities (at least the window was up) to a PRIEST and NUNS. I am so, for sure, double, triple going to hell for this.

But seriously, they don't teach these people to drive? Or have situational awareness?

Curiously Delicious!

I almost forgot, my parents gave me a digital camera...their old one. It's not SO new and fabulous, but it works, and I was happy to have it when I saw this sign today. I pulled into a gas station that had an A&W fast food place attached (why do people eat fast food at gas stations?). I got my Diet Coke, came out, turned to put my seat belt on, and saw this sign staring me in the face. I had to take a pic. It's just so...so...gross! And funny!

Back. Tired.

In case you care, I'm home. I'm tired. I have a group project to finish, get done, start...it's due tomorrow and was assigned one minute before class got out Thursday for the long weekend. LQ describes accurately where we're at with that.

I spent a LONG time in the car today...people are morons and suck and shouldn't be allowed to drive. Except me, because I'm awesome and a good driver and know how to merge and use my turn signal.

Anyway, I have to go get some work done...the quarter of "not keeping up" is now catching up with me and exams start a week from tomorrow. That's the THIRD set of exams this year for those of you keeping track.

PS: On a TV show right now is a married couple with a house done all in leopard print and a HUGE pic of Kurt Cobain on their living room wall...their daughter's name is Nirvana. Really. Maybe B. Spears is watching...I bet she's looking for awesome baby name ideas.

Because I am very, very, very immature...

Every time I drive by this place I laugh...because...well...I mean, look at the picture. It's called The Wienery!

A little town with BIG guns.

Here in Smalltownvilleburg, USA, the fact that it's Memorial Day weekend means it's time for the semi-annual Fully Automatic Machine Gun Fun Shoot. I told you about this last year, but in case you still didn't believe me, this year I took a picture.

The Memorial Day festivities include a host of river-based activities...we live directly on a beautiful river with Cat. III, IV, and IV+ whitewater rapids, as well as the usual community type activities like dances, 4-H stuff, street fairs and contests...plus "fun" things like face-painting and rooster-calling and whatnot. Unfortunately, today we are having monster thunderstorms...last night we had hail the size of gumballs...all the better to dent my rented with no extra insurance car. Anyhow, hopefully the rain will stop soon so the townfolk can get their party on.

Whatever

No Friday Spies today...maybe there will be Saturday Spies instead, or Monday Spies.

It's a beautiful day here, I'm going hiking in the mountains and then doing errands with my mom. We were going to go see Star Wars, but it's too pretty...we're going to go tomorrow instead.

I wonder sometimes how long I could quit blogging and still have people come back. A week? A month? I like blogging, and I love all the people I've gotten to know behind the scenes (well, almost all), but, today I thought about just quitting. No final farewell. No "goodbye, you've all been great" post. No "woe is me, I'm leaving for my own reasons that are mysterious and therefore all the more interesting" post. Just, never coming back. Weird huh?

I decided I didn't want to do that, so I will be back. But not until at least tomorrow.

Home...yay!

Made it home in one piece...what a gorgeous day to drive home! I saw all three of the major mountains between the TVPNM and here, and they were all snowcapped and beautiful and majestic and all that jazz. Mount St. Helens is not currently exploding, you'll be happy to know. Usually it's raining and foggy all the way home, so sunny and blue skies and just totally wonderful was, well...pretty wonderful.

I have to go do two suitcases full of laundry, and then catch up with the fam. I'll be back tomorrow-ish.

Apathy with a capital C-L-E-R-K-S-H-I-P

Here's the thing about clerkships...

I have to decide to apply by, well, next week. I have to turn in some kind of form to the Career Services Office'O'Doom and tell them who my faculty recommendations would come from, if I was indeed going to try for a clerkship.

Then, I have to get every piece of paper I fill out and every decision I make coordinated and rubber stamped by CSO throughout this entire process.

While looking over the faculty rec form, here's what I learned.

If I don't have stellar grades (check!) I shoud emphasize my Moot Court, Clinic, or Law Review/Journal experiences (uh....). I should also emphasize my relevant law school experiences (ummmm...do clerks play a lot of Bejeweled? ok....what about drinking? I can drink like nobody's business!).

And, pretty much right there is where I stalled out. I don't want to think about this until after exams...who schedules all this shit right in the middle of exam period? Oh yeah, people on the quarter system, that's who. I don't even think there are three faculty members who would write me a letter, or who know me well enough to. Why can't I just get excited about this...I think it would be pretty fun at a trial-level court, but I just can't bring myself to get on the ball. What's wrong with me?

Oh yay...more classes! more exams! A whole 'nother year!

I'm not sure how many of you watched the movie at the link in the post below this...but if you didn't, hurry up and do it...it has LEGOS, and SONGS, and HEARSAY EXCEPTIONS!

Other than that, I have been running around all day...I still have Admin homework, plus "packing" for my trip home tomorrow for Memorial Day (by "packing" I mean "sticking my dirty laundry in a trashbag")...and let's not forget I have exams starting a week from Monday -- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Since I have to go to school next year in order to solidify my future as a slave to my student loans, I thought I would register for classes...Winter and Spring quarters my schedule seems to kind of make sense, but Fall is apparently the Quarter'O'Random Classes, so, here we go:

Health Law
Technology Law and Public Policy
Introduction to EU Law
CrimPro

Yup...unless I get into some other classes, get an externship, or otherwise do some switching around, it's going to be a weird quarter.

The definitive hearsay movie event of the year!

OK folks...here it is! First, a little history.

My Evidence professor offered extra credit to anyone who did something creative within the realm of evidence...poems, stories, songs, movies, etc., the more creative, the more points. If you'll recall, I wrote a crappy poem. However, unlike me, there are actually talented people in my class, and this particular video was the standout extra credit project of the year. The maker of this fabulous piece of work is a 2L who was extremely nice to let me post this here after I totally contacted him blind, introduced myself on email, and told him about the blog and how great I thought his movie was. He's going the mysteriously anonymous route, so if you just have to tell him how awesome this movie is (aside from the comments which I assume he'll be checking), drop me an email and I will forward it along. Don't forget to turn the sound on...the song is the backbone of the whole experience!

Enjoy.

The Hearsay Exception Movie.

An extra special thank you to AI for hosting the video at Blawg Co-op so we can all enjoy it.

P.S. When I clicked the link it took about 15-20 seconds for the video to come up...let me know if you have problems with it or whatever...I'm hoping that even if a lot of people want to look at it nothing bad will happen, but my technological expertise is (as we all know) totally nonexistent. It's about a 3min movie...so it's fairly short.

Movies are fun!

I am very, very, very busy today...lots of Admin homework, plus the weather is BEAUTIFUL, so despite the fact that every sad little underdeveloped muscle in my body aches from my death march yesterday, I'm going to go out for a walk pretty soon.

I am working on something really cool for you though, with the help of AmbImb (expert on all things technological and blog related). I promised a long time ago to post one of the extra credit videos from my Evidence class, and today the maker of said video was able to get it to me, so I'm working on getting it all hosted or uploaded or whatever the kids call it (care of AI) and then hopefully if we can get it to work and whatnot there will be a link up soon. I think it's so funny, there's a song, and lego people, and cartoons...YAY! There's still a song I want to put up too but the guy hasn't been available to record it yet, maybe soon...who knows?

Anyway, hopefully this will all work out. I'll keep you posted.

The ratio of people to cake is too big.

Did anyone else see Tom Cruise on Oprah today? Ummmm...coming from a whole entire family line of manic depressives, I feel qualified to say that he seems a little manic. There's "happy" and "in love" and then there's "I am a screaming ball of roiling craziness." As we would say in the military, Tom was pinging. It was funny, but more funny-scary than funny-haha.

CHANGING TOPICS: My legs are so sore. WAH! Holy crap...it was a beautiful day and I got to walk down by the beach, and it was fun, but oh my God...I'm not sure my poor legs are going to forgive me anytime soon. I drank a Diet Coke at 8pm with my microwave lasagna (yes, I really am that pathetic), and I still KNOW I am going to sleep like a baby. A baby who dreams about the hot Marine she saw running in his short shorts today. Yummy.

I may never walk again!

I went for a walk today with a friend from school who suggested we go to a local park and do more of a "hike." Boy, am I a total idiot! It was full of crazy mountains and I swear to God I think the whole thing was uphill. By the end I was so tired I could barely move my legs. There was only one solution, a stop at a local pirate themed bar. Fun! I only had one beer seeing as how I have homework to do, but it was really cute and the beer was fab.

On the upside, this guy ran by on the trail we were on that HAD to be a Marine and he made the whole thing worthwhile...if I hadn't been laying on the ground dying of exhaustion I would have turned around and tried to grab his ankles and trip him or something. I bet you thought I would say "run after him." But no. Because I will probably be unable to walk again for at least three days.

I figured out I have to read about 75 pages of PR a night for the next two weeks to make up for the fact that I haven't opened the book all quarter. How come PR doesn't seem important? I know it is, but I feel like it should be more like a weekend seminar than a whole class...it doesn't much seem like anyone is engaged and there are a lot of empty seats every day (including mine more than I want to admit). I hope it all comes to me in the next two weeks.

I'm so tired!

A two-tone Ricky Ricardo jacket...

A glimpse into what it's like to be me.

LQ: "Hey, you're not wearing a hooded sweatshirt today, what happened?"

Me: "Yeah, I'm going home this weekend so I haven't done laundry. I only had nice things to wear."

Time flies when you're laying on the couch like a big lazy bum!

I can't believe that three weeks from tomorrow I will be done with exams and starting my first day of work in D.C. Freak out! Literally.

I'm sitting here freaking out. Three sets of exams a year is frigging inhuman, and all of the sudden it hit me that they're here in like two weeks. On a happy note, I got a little survey from the school about switching from quarters to semesters and let me tell you, they are going to be so sorry they sent it to me...I had, uh...quite a few things to say. Made me feel, if not immensely better, moderately happy to rain on their little parade. Does that make me a bad person?

At any rate, I think I have to start making a list or something to help alleviate the stress. There is a whole host of house/school/work to-do's that need to be checked off.

If anyone has an opinion about what a nice girl like me should wear for her summer internship at a conservative government agency, leave a comment or drop me an email. I asked them and they had a female attorney email me and she was very helpful and said basically the men wear suits every day and the women mostly wear something less than a suit but keep a jacket on hand in case they get called into a meeting or something. Does this mean I can wear skirts with just a button down shirt tucked in? Sweater sets (I hear sweater sets)? HELP!

Lazy days...

It is SOOOOO beautiful here today, right this minute. What makes this so awesome is that when I went out for my walk today I got totally rained on...and not just a light sprinkle...torrential downpour type rain. As soon as I came home and had nowhere else outside to go, the sky got blue, the sun came out and all of the sudden it was spring again.

I have SO much Admin reading to do tonight...I'm not sure why I wasted the whole weekend just drinking and hanging around on the couch, I think I have the end of the year doldrums or something. There's really nothing like thinking about the fact that your THIRD set of finals is coming up. FUN!

I am looking forward to heading home for Memorial Day. I hope the nice weather holds up -- so much nicer driving through the mountains without the pouring down rain and gale force winds. I'm heading out Thursday and coming home Monday....a nice long weekend which unfortunately will have to be at least partially spent reading and outlining. But, oh well, better than nothing, right?

I still have to figure out what kind of clothes to buy for the summer internship, guess I'll go shopping after exams but before I leave. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the Beefster for the summer...he needs a home and so far no one is seeming like they're going to jump on babysitting duty, so guess I'll be putting some thought into that in the next couple weeks. Poor little guy...he must feel so unloved!

New cell phone hotness

I got a new cell phone today...it's RED and SHINY and BEAUTIFUL! The first thing I did was download the CHiPs theme song for a ringtone. Next I think I might try the theme from Greatest American Hero. Remember that show? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEElieve it or not, I'm walking on AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR!

My friend and I went to the mall on a very spur of the moment trip to look at suits since we both need to buy a couple for the summer. I tried on a MILLION suits, give or take.

I am happy that I seem to have gone down one pants size, which is cool and helps me be able to fit in cuter stuff. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I haven't gone down a corresponding top size...nope, still looking like a broad shouldered Dolly Parton. It's so awesome to think I'm going to get to buy suit coats three sizes too big for the rest of my life and then pay yet MORE money to get them altered.

I did try on this one suit that was so freaking great, I almost died. It hugged all the right places and just totally ignored the bad places. It was like it had been trained by a suit fabrice master...thighs? What thighs? Unfortunately it was just a tiny smidge too tight and, if I was on primetime TV it would have actually been OK, but, it was maybe just a wee bit risque for the conservative summer job.

Now, I'm going to sit and mess with my new phone all night and try to get all the fun stuff on it I can...I've been using Fraggle Rock as my ringtone for about two years, so it's time to find something new and campy.

I really wish I didn't have to keep telling myself this...why can't I pay attention?

Dear Self,

We've had this talk before. Just because you are the wee little bit-iest hungover is no reason to torture yourself like this.

No good ever came of a movie where Shannon Elizabeth goes on a low-carb diet to "lose weight" and describes some guy as "you know, THAT guy, the one no girl could ever be good enough for...especially me!"

Oh yes, the horrors of being Shannon Elizabeth. It must be so hard! What a trooper to endure the sheer wretchedness of it all, I only wish we could all be so brave in the face of adversity.

I want you to promise to quit doing this to...uh...yourself. And this time mean it!

Yours truly,

E. Spat.

PS: Lifetime Movie Channel is the devil.

Yeah, I'm drunk again...so what? Wanna fight?

I went to three separate bars tonight. One with some law school people, one transitional bar, and one for a good friend's birthday party. At the transitional bar, an Australian place, who in the audience is surprised to learn a guy with a girlfriend put the total moves on me? Wait, raise your hands so I can count...no one, seriously?

Then, this dude's Australian friend (no offense THL) goes "Well, if it makes you feel better, if I didn't have a girlfriend too I would TOTALLY sleep with you!"

Actually...NO...that does not really make me feel better, but thanks anyway.

God.

I commented to my friend on the way home that I should open a private investigation office where I scope out men to see if they're cheating on their girlfriends or wives or whatever...I mean, it's like, if I even walk NEAR a bar, men are almost compelled to come out to the sidewalk and hit on me and then admit they already have someone in their lives. What the hell?

UPDATE: I know you were all wondering, and YES, I was wearing my pink flower embroidered cowboy boots tonight...so that MAY POSSIBLY explain the plethora of male attention. Mostly it seemed like it confused people, but hey, whatever.

Huh?

I'm laying on my couch, enjoying my post-exam stupor, and on TV is the new Shakira video for a song called "La Tortura."

In the video she first dances around dripping in what looks like motor oil. Then she cuts an onion and cries. Then she holds a tomato and when her lover comes up behind her and begins to, uh...you know...she looks confused and squeezes the tomato until it breaks open. Then she dances in the motor oil some more and does a lot of pelvic gyration. Then her and the guy stare at each other through their apartment windows while his wife (or girlfriend) sleeps.

I don't get it. Does he fantasize about her dancing covered in motor oil? That's weird. I'm very, very confused. Kids these days and their music, I'll tell you, I don't understand it!

Friday Spies ©: The "Would You Rather" Edition

***Subtitle: The Friday Morning Hangover Edition***

From BTQ...just like always.

Would You Rather:

1. Live alone on a deserted island for 10 years or be paid to live at Neverland Ranch with the King of Pop for one year?

Definitely the deserted island. I have literally NO tolerance for most annoying things in life, and I have to think that M.J. and Neverland would pretty much max out my annoying meter in like one day. I can't live like that. Besides, according to some other meme that I did a while back, I get to take five books with me when I go to the deserted island, so maybe I could learn Italian or how to fold origami or something useful like that.

2. Be deaf or blind?

I would choose deaf. It seems much harder to be independent when you're blind...you have to worry about people shortchanging you when you give them money, you might get hit by a car crossing the street, you'd have to learn a whole new way to do most things in life...you wouldn't even be able to check out hot guys!! (horrors!)

Deaf on the other hand doesn't seem like it would impact your life as much...but, I'm not deaf or blind so who am I to make that proclamation? I really, really, really love to read and I think the one thing I would miss if I was blind would be reading. If I was deaf I would probably miss being able to talk to my friends and family and hear their voices...that would suck. This question is kinda depressing.

3. Have skin which changed color depending on your mood or visible sight lines?

Since my skin already changes color depending on my mood thanks to my Irish heritage (any one of my friends will attest to this...also, the judges in appellate advocacy pointed it out BOTH nights..."oh goodness, you REALLY got red!"), I guess I'll take visible sight lines. I never look anywhere besides right into someone's eyes anyway...I would never crotch watch, that's so low-class.

4. Spend a year in prison or a year on tour with Celine Dion and John Tesh?

Normally I would go for prison, since I think Celine Dion is a shrieking blight on the planet, and John Tesh is...well...GOD, he's John Tesh...he plays the electronic keyboard or something right? HOWEVER, I will make an exception here because there is no way I could deal with prison. I cannot trade sexual favors for cigarettes, be locked in a small room and unable to move around, go to the bathroom in an open cell...oh my god, FREAK OUT...no way could I make it even one day in prison. So, I guess it's the Dion-Tesh Tour'O'Wretchedness for me...I can always buy earplugs right?

5. Have a threesome with people you know or total strangers?

I have really never understood people that have sex in front of other people they know, that just seems bizarre to me. I'm not really the threesome type at all, but if I have to choose then I want total strangers. Preferably strangers from another country who will be sent back to their country of origin immediately after the "experience" where I will never have to worry about seeing them again. If it was people I knew I would never be able to look at them again...of course, if I did it at all I would never be able to look at MYSELF again, so there's that to think about I guess.

My contribution to the eye meme.

Alright already...I'm on the bandwagon. I reserve the right to take this down if it starts to freak me out too much because I think people might recognize me...what can I say...paranoia rules the day. Also, my eye is a little scrunchy because I was smiling REAL REAL hard in this picture to convey my happiness at wearing my new glasses. Normally they're a little more open then this. Really. But, aren't those rhinestones snazzy?



Exam is done. I am as curiously unenthused after finishing as I was before I started. Good, bad, or ugly...at least it's done.

Detention, rendition and torture, oh my!

Yeah, still trying to get my ass in gear for my Law and Terrorism exam tomorrow. 23 hours and counting. Went to a study group all afternoon and that was actually pretty helpful, especially when they helped me figure out I was missing one entire supplement and that's why I had no idea what was going on in an entire section of the syllabus. Still not outlining. Still making no effort to try to read the half the book that is, as yet, unread. Still not really caring if I do good or bad. I'm telling you, it's unnatural to have exams at times other than exam week. Where's the stress? Where's the bad eating and the lack of sleep and the caffeine overdose? I'm just not feeling it. In fact, I have every intention of watching the two-hour Alias season finale tonight...I might open my book on the coffee table just to make myself feel better, but, then again, maybe not.

I'm gonna put in two hours and then it's walk time.

I've been thinking of lots of good stuff to blog about...maybe tomorrow night after the exam or Friday before post-exam happy hour starts I'll try to put something not crappy up around here. But, once again, maybe not. Also, it just occurred to me that the one good thing about two exam periods is two post-exam drinking periods...YAY! Finally, a bright side!

As a last aside, here's a little story for ya's.

Riding in the elevator this morning with Dean 'o' the Law School and he asks how I'm doing. Because I'm standing there stooped over under the weight of twenty kajillion books I go "Well, you know...just standing here with my 500 ton backpack on." Then he goes "Hey, you need to look on the bright side!" So, in my usual eloquent and respectful way, I go "Yeah, on the bight side I'm building up my muscles in case the only job I can get after law school is as a sherpa!" He didn't laugh though. So uptight.

We can't handle the truth...

Just saw Whorebag Federline-Spears on TV trying to talk up her new show...she says the "funniest parts" are when she's "disillusional." I think that kinda speaks for itself.

UPDATE: The funniest part, in the ten minutes I bothered to watch, was the fifteen times B. Spears told EVERYONE, and I mean every-damn-one, how many times she'd had sex that day and how awesome the sex was. I don't think there was anyone that she met that she didn't assault with her "story." "Guess what ya'll? I had sex THREE TIMES TODAY! Three times! And it was great ya'll!" At one point she asks, on camera, if Kevvie-poo wants to "stay home and f*ck all day." Yeah, it's so awesome that this personal testament to the dignity of your love could be put on TV for all of America, and also your MOM and DAD to see. Classy.

Where's my Freedom Toast?

I think my ear canals are deformed. No matter what kind of headphones I get they hurt and don't seem to fit in my ears. I'm damaged goods!

In other news, this woman is on Oprah selling her book, French Women Don't Get Fat. She is perhaps the most annoying woman I've had to listen to in like a week at least. She's all French and perky and "ooooh oui, no no no, you must savor every bite, you must learn to take pleasure in the simple deliciousness of food and eat off beautiful china for every meal and appreciate the joy of living...American women, you are so, so, GIGANTIC and LOUD and DISGUSTING!"

Whatever. Me and my deformed ears are going for a walk. Then we're going to come home and eat dinner the American way, on a paper plate in front of the television while surfing the internet, screeching into a cell phone, and gulping down every bite without chewing or even tasting it. That'll show her.

I'll let you get back to Reginald's quivering member.

I am eating grapes for dessert.

Yeah, you heard me right. I'm pretending they're ice cream.

I'm also pretending that I don't have an exam in two days by watching TV and blogging (and eating grapes) while simultaneously pretending that James Spader is on his way over here to make me a drink and spend the rest of the night attending to my every wanton desire.

Have you ever noticed reality kinda sucks?

Also, I just finished a romance novel my mom lent me. My MOM read this? Oh my GOD, it's just so...so...DIRTY! How can my mom read this? Does she know these words? WHY did she lend it to me? Didn't she know that then I might know that she knows these words?

There was......oral copulation in this book! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My mom does not know about that. NO! Delicate flowers of love were coaxed into bloom. Sweet, sweet soul shattering love was made. ALOT. Kitchen tables were soiled with the hedonistic call of passionate pleasuring. Frothy peach negligees were ripped off. Nubile young women were overcome with the sheer wonderment at all their body could feel when touched by the magical hands of a rock-hard man with a heart of gold.

Good lord. I can't believe my mom reads this stuff. I mean, sure, I read this stuff...but my MOM? Jesus.

Also, on a totally different subject, today I was out walking with my friend when some dirty looking chick and her creepy boyfriend walked by and all I could think to say was "OHMYGOD, even that CRACKWHORE has a boyfriend...I haven't been on a date in like, two years. WAHHHHHHHH!!!!"

I'm shocked! No, not really.

You scored as Existentialist. Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Man is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility. Existentialist 69% Romanticist 63% Cultural Creative 56% Idealist 44% Modernist 38% Materialist 38% Postmodernist 38% Fundamentalist 13% What is Your World View? created with QuizFarm.com

h/t Que Vado

I am Article 1

Today when I walked into Admin my name was on the board. First. My job was to be Article 1. Some other person was Article 2 and yet another was, you guessed it folks, Article 3. While I fumbled through my backpack for my handy pocket Constitution so I could figure out which one was Article 1, Prof Admin starts asking me a few warm-up questions.

PA: "Ms. Spatula, which section of Article 1 would you like to be?"
Me: "Uhhhh....ummmmmm..."
Girl next to me shoves pocket Constitution in my face and suggests I be Section 1.
PA: "Well?"
Me: "Ummm...she says I should be Section 1, looks good to me...it's only one sentence, I can handle that."
PA: "I see."

After we get through this painful exercise Prof. Admin moves on to my next task (he's eternally optimistic obviously).

PA: "Ms. Spatula, why is the Executive even concerned with what's happening with this Agency?"
Me: "Well, ummmmm, you know, uhhhh...agencies are just kind of the President's 'thing', you know?"
....class laughing...at me, not with me....
PA: "No, no...you are absolutely right, I like it...agencies are the President's thing. Indeed!"

After this it got a little better. I never did figure out why I was Article 1 or what I was supposed to be doing. I had done the reading so I basically just rambled after every question with the hope that I was hitting the high points. I honestly feel like I set the tone for the class though, because another guy got called on and started flipping through his book looking for the answer and Prof. Admin goes "Don't bother, you won't find the answer in the book", and the student goes "I know, I'm stalling." The professor just laughed and said "You guys can just TELL me you need a minute to think! Geez!"

Anyway, now I must get busy reading the 40 pages for tomorrow, GOD FORBID I get called on two days in a row, and then on to Law and Terrorism...still trying to mentally convince myself there's an actual exam in less than three days.

The North American Overcooked Ass-tasting Blech Fish

I tried to make salmon for dinner...it was an unmitigated disaster.

This is made all the more embarrassing for me by the fact that, literally, across the street from me lives a fellow law student who is a longtime commercial fisherman from Alaska and who would probably blow out an artery if he saw what I did to this poor piece of fish. I think he's still out of town this weekend so I didn't bother to call and ask for advice. I should have called.

Then, despite the fact that it totally tasted like fish ass when I was done cooking it, I ate it anyway because, hey, it was expensive and I'm poor. It won't kill me, but damn, I coulda spent that money on pizza and beer or something. Blech.

Just Because: Josh Holloway

Some of you will recognize Josh as "Sawyer" from the TV show Lost. I Some of you, but not me, will recognize Josh from his appearances in a few of your dirtier dreams. Enjoy.

Prowkrastinayshun

Today I have done laundry, cleaned up my apartment, written a HUGE rant about law school that I may or may not post sometime in the future, read a little bit of the romance novel I'm in the middle of, emailed people, checked my site statistics to see how many people have been here today (only 84 so far), eaten Cocoa Krispies, drank 2 Diet Cokes, cleaned out my scented oil burner, fed the fish, mopped the kitchen floor, vacuumed, and taken out the trash.

I have not opened my Law and Terrorism materials as yet. I also have a SHITLOAD of Admin reading to do. Yeah. Why can't I just force myself to do this?

I am not making an outline for L&T, I'm just rereading the course materials (about 1000 pages) and trying to figure out where the material is for each of the main subjects (Material Witness Warrants, Detention, Habeas, Torture, Rendition, Tribunals) and what the cases are for each of those subjects (when there are cases....sometimes it's just a New York Times article or whatever). It's a nebulous class with no real structure so I'm hoping that once I see the question I'll have a chance to sort of thumb through the materials and refresh my memory. The lack of definitive legal boundaries in this area means that any question he asks is going to have to be mostly policy...and I feel like that won't be too bad.

At any rate, I still have some procrastination measures up my sleeve...gotta go grocery shopping and for my walk (if it quits raining). One day I'll magically turn into one of those people who does stuff ahead of time and is always organized and on top of all their tasks and whatnot. I just know it.

Two Page Resume: Practical Solution or Surefire Path to Hell?

Thankfully I am not hungover today -- but, unfortunately I still have an exam in just a few days, so gotta get the old nose back to the grindstone. In the meantime, here's a question for all the lawyer readers in the house...

Two page resume...ok or not?

I have my Air Force stuff, plus last year's summer job, plus my job during school this year, plus now I'll have this year's summer job...plus three schools (BA, MA, JD). The writing is already getting tiny, so what if I made the resume more like 1.5 pages with the bottom half of the second page for references? Career Services seems to think the two page resume is pretty much up there with bestiality and necrophilia in terms of its general non-acceptability...any opinions from the people out there in the "real" world?

drunk

drunk.

that is all.

i heart the chimay. and the bar that has the chimay. booze, booze, booze. heh. beer!

FYI

My official legal opinion is that the Bybee memos, all 9 kajillion pages of them, which I am reading in anticipation of my final on Thursday, are very, very boring. Also, I found not one but TWO typos. FOR SHAME.

The librarians keep making announcements that it's almost closing time. At 5:45 they flash the lights. Seriously. Listen up people, I don't care where you go but you can't stay here.

In other library news, some dude answered his freaking cell phone today when it rang and proceeded to have a conversation. If someone could die from about 500 evil eyes being shot in his direction, this guy would have spontaneously combusted or something.

In other E. Spat mental health news, today was kind of shitty, but, after a day of torture memos, detention memos, and frankly, more Geneva Convention than one girl can handle, I'm off to beer it up with a friend of mine. We're heading to a bar that I was told by another friend is full of "hunky Australian guys with accents." So there.

Friday Spies ©

I don't know why, but I always forget to say I got this from BTQ. Why do I forget? Is it the aspartame? We may never know. Here's Friday Spies anyway. I hope I'm not forgetting anything else, but I probably am.

1. If you could change any element of your physical appearance, would you? If so, what would you change? If you could change any aspect ofyour personality would you? Of course, who wouldn't?

Physically I would want to be less chubby, obviously! I mean, in America what could be worse than being fat, even if only marginally so? I would want to be whatever size would make people stop going "You're just big-boned!" I'm not big-boned. I'm pudgy. But, thanks for playing. I want to be cute and small and girly and all those things that boys like, instead of tall and solid and always probably making people think of someone who would look really at home working a farm or something.

Personality wise, I think I would like to be more reserved. I am a chatterer, and pretty much always at top-volume, and for whatever reason, that makes people not like me. It seems that especially here in law school, the appropriate personality is reserved.

I would want to be able to trust people more, and to have an easier time making good friends. I want to be more organized and procrastinate less (like, say, doing this instead of outlining). I would like to be confident, to be one of those women who just always thinks she looks good and deserves the best in life...I think that would be a great personality to have.

2. Name a good make-out song (I believe the kids these days would call that "baby-making music").

Try A Little Tenderness, Otis Redding, #11 on his greatest hits CD.
Anything by Jill Scott
Son of a Preacher Man, Dusty Springfield
Anything by Bob Marley
Sexual Healing, Marvin Gaye

Sorry...I could go on and on...I heart making out.

3. What did Britney say to Kevin when she found out she was pregnant? What was his response?

B: "Look baybeeeeeee, I'm, like, all knocked up and shit."
K: "You WHORE, how could you? And with FRED DURST? Jesus!"
B: "It's yours dumbass."
K: "Oh, I'm so excited, you're going to be the best mom ever...can I have some money to go to Vegas with my friends...I don't want to be the only one that can't afford a whore. PLEEEEEAAAASSSE!!!"

4. Did Oswald act alone?

I don't know. I have no theory. I did have a big crush on Oswald on The Drew Carey Show though.

5. Are you superstitious? Do you believe in luck, karma, fate, the supernatural, etc?

Let me tell you a little story.

My first husband cheated on me. A lot. With everyone he could find. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he never let marriage cramp his dating style whatsoever.

Eventually, he started f*cking this girl who was the fiance of a guy he worked with. He moved in with her approximately one week after he left me, and then spent two years begging me to come back to him and promising to leave her if I would just take him back so we could "start over."

Even though it was the most horrendously painful time of my life, since I had really thought we were soulmates and all that jazz, and so many times I just wanted to take him back, because, well, that's what abused women do, I never did thanks mostly to support from my family and especially M.

He married this girl. They had a baby together. He cheats on her. I know he does because, well, of course he does!

He is now accused of some very terrible crimes, most of which involve the victimization of women, and his wife has to go to court with him and stand there and listen to all the horrible things he's done.

So, do I believe in karma? You bet'cha.

Don't get me wrong, the wife and kid are clearly not responsible for his criminal behavior, but, he is going to go to prison for a long time, and frankly, she knew me...she knew he was married to me, she looked me in the eye so many times and knew she was f*cking my husband and didn't even blink, so, aside from the kid, I don't feel too sorry for him or for her. All of this might be different if it had been handled differently by them, or if I hadn't been 21 years old losing my first true love, or if he hadn't been abusive, or whatever...but, overall, yeah, not a lot of sympathy for either of them.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda

What I should have said on the bus this morning and that has been bugging me all damn day.

Sir,

I know you want to read your newspaper on the bus in the morning. Kudos to you for trying to expand your horizons and keep up with current affairs. How about that pilot in the White House airspace, huh?

However, if you don't get your elbow out of my ribs I am going to rip your arm off and use it to beat you until you are either dead or so perilously close to death that you will beg me to finish the job and end your suffering.

You've been warned.

Have a nice morning and enjoy your paper.

E. Spat.

They could be fascist anarchists, it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car.

Half the people who responded to this USA Today poll said they use prayer to control pain. I often use prayer to control things like "hangovers" and "consequences to my actions." I think if I ever get to heaven God might go, "So, did you ever get that room clean like you promised? What about laying off the vodka? Did that ever happen?"

In other news, I hate the three weeks earlier than usual exam. I'm just not in exam mode yet...I'm still in that place where I'm just totally lazy and disgusting until right before it becomes absolutely urgent to start studying lest I fail out of school. Oh well, who says I can't get a quarter's worth of reading and outlining done in the next three days? Maybe if I pray...

A picture so wretched I actually forgot to put a title on this post the first time I hit publish!

Remember when I told you a while back that I saw Priscilla Presley on Oprah and she looked like a voracious zombie husk of her former self? I bet none of you believed me, but now I have photographic proof! Instead of outlining, I found a pic of her from that show, and an old pic of her (strangely endorsing some weird Scientology machine). I threw one in I found by Googling as well that shows the further awfulness of the plastic surgery.

Tell me she doesn't look SO. AWFUL. This is what Whorebag Federline-Spears is going to look like in a couple decades.

The final countdown...

My first exam is one week from tomorrow...time to start getting serious...BOO! My last two are June 6 and 7, and then...OFF TO D.C.!!!

I haven't bought a plane ticket yet, because, well, I'm lazy. And poor. But, and consider this an open call, I start work that next week (June 13th) and will be in D.C. until mid-August (or so). SOOOOOO...it's time for the second annual "Let's Meet and DRINK BEER" summer festival. Last summer I only got to meet one person, AmbImb, and unfortunately not until right before I left...but, it was great to put a face with the name and we had a fun lunch together.

This summer my job seems like it's going to be totally fun...they already arranged to take us to a baseball game and some other fun field trips that I can't talk about or it'll totally give away where I'm working, but trust me, SO AWESOME!

So, I'm counting on my D.C. area readers to not let me go through another boring summer chatting on IM with friends back here instead of being out drinking and ogling boys in suits...don't let me down!

BAHAHAHAHA

I am sitting here semi-drunk, eating tator tots, and watching Entertainment Tonight (all I need is a trailer to make this night complete)...and there is a whole big thing about Alan Thicke, of Growing Pains "fame" marrying his girlfriend. Supposedly she's a Brazilian supermodel, but really she looks like Flossie the Horsefaced Girl. Damn, a supermodel? Really?

Pop Quiz

True or False?

I have been drinking for the better part of the afternoon and am foregoing Admin in lieu of BEER?

YAY for beer!

Oh man, I told some great stories at the bar too, if you guys ever meet me in person, you too can hear the awesome drunken exploit stories.

And, to answer the comments to the post below this...girls LOVE to ogle. Ogle, ogle, ogle. It's my favorite pastime after the beer. BEER!