Eau De Toilet

Antonio Banderas has a "fragrance"...I don't mean the way he smells (which I'm sure is...uh...lovely), what I mean is that there is a cologne called "Spirit for Men by Antonio Banderas."

What I think would be WAY better would be a perfume by Melanie Griffith. Here's my suggestions for names:

1. Sadly Pathetic Older Woman.
2. Big. Fat. Fake. Lips.
3. Tattoos Are Forever.
4. Rehab.
5. I Married Don Johnson. Twice.

Dear Britney, you look like crap. Love, The Rest of the World

Fugging It Up...(who in my opinion, deserve a book deal way more than Anonymous Lawyer) have put up today perhaps their best post ever... The Letter of Fug, to none other than Mrs. I'm A Drunk, Chain Smoking, Bad Skin, Washed-Up, No-Talent Whore Federline. Here's a small excerpt (you really do need to read the whole thing to get the full effect though, so don't be lazy):

Y'all keep talking about how I look crummy when I leave the house but that is totally unfair y'all. Y'all, I am in love. I am married now! I am a married lady! This is how I look, for reals, y'all. I don't have to brush my hair for Kevin. I don't even have to take a shower for Kevin! He told me that I have to do is keep signing the checks...of LOVE.

Eternal thanks to Scott at L^3 for bringing this to my attention. Especially in Family Law where, even though he told me it was funny and I shouldn't look in class, I still did and laughed out loud. But not as hard as I did when my professor spontaneously (well, it KIND of went with the case) announced:

"Getting hit with a belt is TOTALLY different than getting hit with a whip."

Hey, quit preaching to the choir buddy!

Find More on Britney "Slutbag" Spears-Federline Watch 2004 here, and here, and here, and here, and even way back here.

Oops, I'm still a stupid slut -- love, Britney

Britney, along with hubby Kevin, "King of all that is White Trash," is at it again, proclaiming her deep and abiding need to pass on her disgusting genetic information to a bunch of crumb-snatching entitled little monsters. My pal LQ pointed out to me that I was slacking in that it's been several days since this story came out and I have yet to comment. Well, the time is here folks.

The newlywed singer, who is widely rumored to be pregnant, has posted a message on her subscription-only fan site, in which she rhapsodizes over the joys of staying home and cooking, advocates having children while you’re still young, and proclaims that mothers shouldn’t work outside the home. Spears recently announced that she was taking at least a few years off before
touring again.

“A lot of people think you should wait till you’re older to have kids,” Spears writes. “I’ve had a career since I was 16, have traveled around the world & back and even kissed Madonna! The only thing I haven’t done so far is experience the closest thing to God and that’s having a baby. I
can’t wait!” The “Toxic” singer opines that it’s important to have children when you’re young — like her own mother, who “looked sexy in her black dress [when she went to church and] would come home and put on her size 2 shorts and a bikini top to wash the car & get a tan at the same time.”

I thought this was intriguing and knew I had to read the whole thing...so as master of the Google universe, I went out and found the whole letter (via Stereogum).

Britney’s Letters: A letter to mom for
Thanksgiving11.22.2004

This week is Thanksgiving, a time of year to reflect on all of our blessings and everything we are most thankful for. In that respect, I want to dedicate this letter to my mom.

It's 10pm and Kori is sound asleep. Today, for the first time I made a roast with carrots, potatoes, corn and my favorite garlic bread. It was amazing, if I do say so myself! I used my own recipe too. My feet are really starting to sink into my new home, especially the kitchen. When I was younger, the kitchen was always the room in the house where we would all end up hanging out. Cooking is kind of like motherhood. To be really good at it, you don't need instructions. You kind of just go on instinct and what feels right.

My mom was the best at everything but she wasn't a Stepford wife at all. She had her own way of doing things. Some of the women where we are from went to church every week, but also gossiped the entire time they were there. These women also worshiped their husbands in a weird way and talked to their kids as if they were a principal lecturing a student instead of a mother to her child. Living in a small town can make it so easy to just follow the mold and go along with how everyone else does things. But my mom managed to set her own course and not get corrupted into doing things like all the other women. She would go to church every week like everyone else, but she always looked sexy in her black dress and she was the one all the other women would
gossip about. She would come home and put on her size 2 shorts and a bikini top to wash the car & get a tan at the same time, then come inside and manage to make the best chicken dumplings before going on a two mile run and then end the night by making the best chocolate shakes for us before we went to bed.

My mom was and still is a Supermom. She is just so much fun and I think the reason why I relate to her so well is because she's a young mom. A lot of people think you should wait till you're older to have kids. I've had a career since I was 16, have traveled around the world & back and even
kissed Madonna! The only thing I haven't done so far is experience the closest thing to God and that's having a baby. I can't wait! I thought I would never say this, but I love not working so much! To be a really good mom, I feel your child needs to be your full time job. I want to raise my kids and share all of those precious moments with them and not rely on nannies. Spending time at home over the past few months, I have felt richer than I ever did working all the time. My soul feels rich and that doesn't have anything to do with money or material things. To feel content, I just need a roof over my head and to be surrounded by the people I love. That's why I'm dedicating this letter to my mom and all of the mom's out there. What would the world do without you? Mom, thanks for being the best role model ~ you rock!
Love,B

GAG! Oh my god, my mom would shoot me in the head if I wrote her a letter like this. However, I'm glad to hear the Brit-ster's soul is feeling rich...it's probably a result of the bazillions of dollars in her bank account. My soul feels poor...as does the rest of me. But, I guess if your criteria for great motherhood is looking good in a bikini, maybe it's easier to have a rich feeling soul since it's not really that deep and probably gets filled up real easy. Also, it's kind of ironic that her cooking is bringing her such joy since her restaurant failed in what, like 3 days? I could go on and on but class starts in 10 minutes. More to come later on Ms. Spears.

Whatever happened to fingerpaints and safety scissors?

I just saw a commercial for some kind of little learning computer thing for little kids, and I swear to god that the announcer said it was for your "kindergartner's busy, on-the-go lifestyle."

Since when is it OK for a kindergartner to have an "on-the-go lifestyle" or even a "lifestyle?" They're like 4! God, no wonder so many people are impossible to deal with. We're ruining people when they're still little kids! Should kids be so busy that they have to multi-task in the car? I don't think so.

Random Musings

- All of my spoons are bent a little bit funny from using them to eat ice cream out of the container. Ben and Jerry owe me new silverware. The reason I know this? Because all my knives are in the dishwasher and so I used a spoon to spread butter on a piece of bread tonight. Yes, I am that lazy.

- Exams start two weeks from today. One class I think I have semi-under-control, one is a TOTAL mess (and has a closed book exam), and one is in the middle (closed note, open book). The closed book exam has a set format, can be any time in history from 1800-present, and has to be "publishable quality"...uh huh.

- I am making coffee cake right now. It smells so good I'm about to pass out. Seriously.

- I am too busy. Further, the next person that tells me I'm "not really busy" I'm just "not managing my time right" is going to get punched right in the throat. That goes double for the next person that tells me that I should get used to it because this is how it is "in the real world." I guess it's POSSIBLE you know more about the "real world" than me, I mean retail can be VERY cutthroat. So much more responsibility than being a military officer in the intelligence community post-9/11. Yeah. SHUT UP.

- Lots of compliments on the red hair today. I still like it even though it's darker than it's been in a long time.

- I don't give a shit about Julia Robert's stupid twins. Honest to god, you would think it's the Second Coming or something with all the attention she's getting. Perhaps it's not clear that women have babies every day...she's not really all that special, unless you count her ability to pick dumb baby names and to have more money than god just for having big horsey teeth and weird newborn deer shaky legs.

- Had peer mentoring today. I trotted out all my best "bad things that happened to me during exams" stories but only like one of the little bastards laughed. That is really irritating. I'm talking one computer crash, one professor only got two of the ten pages and gave me a terrible grade, one room-spinning eye-watering hangover, and three questions on three separate exams where I had to go back and read a chapter in the respective book because I had no freaking clue what the answer was. All anyone wanted to hear about was "outlining" and "making tabs" and "indexing the tabs to the outline." Sheesh.

I have a great personality.

Actual comment on the Evidence paper I got back today (I've turned in two in the last week, this one was a made-up direct and cross regarding introducing evidence of character):

"Not very accurate, but highly entertaining."

If you can't be smart, be funny...that's what I always say! If the problem is about introducing character evidence regarding the most out there professor at the school (at least the most openly bizarre and semi-lunatic-al professor - but in a nice way) make sure to write a direct and cross that actually have nothing to do with character evidence (since you don't understand it in the least despite reading the chapter 87 times in a row) but are pretty damn funny. Also, get your friend to help you, because two funny-fied people are better than one. Here's just one example*/**:

Prosecutor: "Isn't it true that Prof. Torts was involved in a violent confrontation with another faculty member just two years ago?"
Character Witness (played by Evidence Prof): "Well, he is generally respected, but there was one time about two years ago that he punched another faculty member after a staff meeting, in fact it was the Dean of the Law School."
Pros: "Can you explain to the jury what happened?"
CW: "Well, during that staff meeting the Dean explained to us that a student had filed a formal complaint for being locked out of his first year Torts class for wearing an 'I Own A Gun And I Vote' t-shirt. Prof. Torts, in his frustration over the issue, went to punch a wall behind him, and inadvertently punched the Dean in the throat. Afterwards though, they both had a good laugh and no charges were filed."
Pros: "So, aside from the incident at the staff meeting, are you aware of any other instances where Prof. Torts acted in a violent manner?"
CW: "Well no, but I did hear a rumor around school that Prof. Torts was once arrested for attempting to sell drugs. But later, when I asked him about it, he told me that after he was arrested and the police tested the substance they found, it turned out to be coffee creamer. What can I say? Prof. Torts only likes organic hazelnut vanilla coffee creamer and as such, is forced to carry it on his person."

*Not that most of you know where I go to school or who my professors are, but it should be OBVIOUS that this is made up and bears no resemblance to anyone's life, real or imagined.

** All of you know that I am in law school, but it should be OBVIOUS that I have only a cursory knowledge of the law and a serious lack of understanding on how to apply what I do know. However, it should be noted that we INTENDED this to be funny rather than accurate after noticing that we had a clear lack of understanding on the evening before it was due. We meant it to be wrong. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Big. Red. Flag.

You probably recall (because I know you all follow my every word like gospel) that I talked about this book "He's Just Not That Into You" a couple of months ago. I still think it's funny as hell, and thanks to Larry, I see that CNN has gotten on the bandwagon and has an article today about the book. They even put up a few examples of advice from the book:

He's Just Not That Into You if ... He's Not Calling You. ("With the advent of cell phones and speed dials it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to.")

He's Just Not That Into You if ... He's Not Asking You Out. ("Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go.")

He's Just Not That Into You if ... He's Not Having Sex With You. ("Get a big red crayon. Color in this flag. You've just made a big red flag. Good, because that's what a man not wanting to have sex with you is.")

I think I'm gonna get this for Christmas for myself. Not because I have anyone who's not into me (perish the thought) but it just seems like it would be really funny. And maybe someday I'll have my very own Cabana Boy and I'll know what to do if he quits calling or doesn't want to be seen in public with me. Bastard.

Home.

I made it home, finally. The drive back was much better than the drive there...only time for Jimmy, Me First and the Gimme Gimme's, more Maroon 5, and a radio station that was playing ALL of Pretty Hate Machine (NIN). YAY!

I felt like I needed a change in life, so as of one hour and one bottle* ago, I am officially a red head. I like it, it's very saucy if I do say so myself.

Additionally, I am having herb goat cheese and crackers and Vanilla Diet Coke and Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby for dinner. I am going to stuff myself silly, watch Desperate Housewives and Boston Legal and prepare to start my new and improved life tomorrow.

PS: Grandpa Spatula came through surgery with flying colors, the doctors can't believe that he's 83 and has lived through 2 broken hips in 6 weeks. Now starts the process of convincing him he shouldn't live alone anymore (technically Uncle Useless lives with him -- but he's just a big old psychic vampire). He gets out of the hospital on Wednesday and my parents are going to try to take him over to the assisted living facility later this week...I think they're trying to strike while the iron is hot, he made an emergency room promise to my dad that he would be willing to find a safe place to live...but we'll see. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!

*Bottle of Hair Dye...I'm not an alcoholic. I'M NOT!

Bad News :(

Grandpa Spatula fell down today and apparently broke his OTHER hip...some of you probably remember that he broke one hip a few weeks ago, and had a bionic titanium hip replacement put in. Apparently he was walking out to get the mail and the neighbor's dog jumped up on him and knocked him down, where he laid until the neighbor came out and called an ambulance. I'm not sure what exactly is going on yet, but my mom and I are waiting for my dad to call us from the hospital and then we'll probably go on over there in a little while. I think this is where my dad makes some hard decisions about sending G'pa Spatula to an assisted living facility, the good news being that the one here is really great and well run...my mom volunteers there with Molly the Satanic Dog, so they would get to see him all the time, and it's just a few blocks from my parents. Of course, not sure exactly what's going on yet until we get a call from my dad -- but it seems not good. As always, there is drama coming from the assholish other relative that lives in town, but I'm sure we won't hear about that until we're alone with my dad. *sigh* This Thanksgiving is going down in the record books as "not so great."

Update later I'm sure.

UPDATE (6:43pm): Grandpa Spatula went straight from the ER into surgery and had three or four screws placed in his hip to hold all the pieces together. This is apparently much less invasive than the full replacement he had a few weeks ago and they expect him to be up and around this week. He got out of surgery about 30 minutes ago and seems to be pretty alert. I guess the whole story is something like: He took his dog (Dingo) out for a walk, a dog from the neighbor's house attacked Dingo and Grandpa, Grandpa tried to use his walking stick to make the dog stop, and the dog basically knocked the stick away and knocked Grandpa over. Owner of the dog came out to see what was going on, called an ambulance, called my Uncle, and then rode to the hospital with Grandpa. There is apparently some family drama going on with Uncle and Daddy Spatula, but Dad's not home from the hospital yet...but this is the same Uncle that disrupted Thanksgiving as well. And the same Uncle that is in his early 50's and is "finding himself" while living rent free with Grandpa Spatula, and not working, and hates his life and everyone in it, and is just generally bipolar and a huge waste of space, while my dad tends to my Grandpa's every need. Oh relatives, aren't they great? Anyway, tomorrow I drive home, so maybe an update tomorrow night. Also, it's snowing in the mountains, which would be pretty if I didn't have to drive through it tomorrow morning at 7am. *sigh* Let's just hope it doesn't take 10 hours, my nerves are shot.

Turkey Day Part 1: The Drive From HELL

So, normally it's a fairly decent (and often beautiful if the weather is clear) 6 1/2 hour drive from the TVPNM to my parents home. Last year it was much longer on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but because I refuse to learn from my mistakes (hello Husband #2) I decided to drive again this year, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Mistake. Big big mistake.

I started out happy and optimistic. I skipped my final class in order to leave a little early because I had heard traffic was already getting heavy, and I wanted to get a headstart. I put on Jimmy Buffett: Boats and headed out on the road. And realized the gas was 3/4 empty. Apparently rental car companies no longer feel the need to give you a full tank. Good to know. So, not wanting to let anything mar my chipper mood I pulled off the freeway, filled up the tank, picked up a peanut butter Twix and a Diet Coke, and headed back out. Restarted the CD for good measure.

Everything was fine until I hit the slightly more southern TVPNM, we'll call it TVPNM Annex, which was INSANE. I put in Maroon 5 and tried to relax. It took me two hours to get the 30 or so miles from TVPNM Annex to TVPN State Capital. Maroon 5 was replaced with a mix CD aptly named (by me) "Not Mellow Stuff."

Hour four found me still almost 100 miles from the next nearest huge city, normally a little over three hours away. More Jimmy Buffett to try to get through, this time Bars and Ballads.

After hitting next major city in roughly twice the time it normally takes, I was ready for more Diet Coke and more food, so when it seemed like traffic might be thinning out I stopped for Burger King and a HUGE Diet Coke. Listened to James Taylor's Greatest Hits and a CD I made a long time ago for a boy I liked called "Mood Music." Thought about all manners of depressing things about my life. Gave up and ate more french fries that one would think humanly possible.

Hours six through eight taught me that you should never assume traffic is thinning out. Big accident plus crappy 55 MPH highways plus two lanes equals me sitting on my ass in the car for two hours and moving approximately 25 feet.

Hour nine was what I fondly remember as the "Hour of Hardcore Gangsta Rap." Pimphomio and Julieho are now among my dearest friends. And a shoutout to M.'s fiance K. for making me a kickass CD (named, by one or both of them, "Pimps Up, Ho's Down") that I would truly be ashamed for my mother to ever find out I had handled without gloves, let alone listened to. She would box my ears for sure.

Hour ten. Sweet hour ten. The second hour of going over the mountains, in the pitch black (since there are NO cities out here), in the rain, wondering if it's cold enough to be frozen yet, thinking about what people will say if I die after flying off the road on black ice, especially since I didn't get the extra insurance on the car and I'll certainly be leaving enough student loans and credit card bills to really screw up my parents retirement. "Law student, twice-divorced, massively in debt, cavities, trunk full of 72.4 pounds of dirty laundry, looking pretty shitty actually, died in a single car collision as she reached for her Diet Coke and flew off a mountain pass on black ice. She leaves behind a rather sad looking fish named Beefstick or something like that and a legacy of general crankiness." Couldn't find the CD case because it had gone under the seat and so was stuck listening to a DIFFERENT James Taylor CD which only has three songs I like for almost an hour.

Got home, put in some laundry, told my parents funny anecdotes about the new plunger and Beefy and then went to sleep around midnight, only to be woken up at 5:30 by my dad getting ready for his morning bike ride. And thus started Thanksgiving day, a day which will go down in Spatula family history as the "Day the Hope of Leftovers Died." If I have time I'll be bringing you that story later this weekend.

Tomorrow is Costco, dinner out (my mom is traumatized and doesn't want to cook), and hopefully some homework since I can feel my guts twisting every time I think of how far behind I am. Good news of the day is that my mom and dad are going to get a new bigscreen TV as soon as (insert some techo-mumbo-jumbo about HDTV here) happens and I'm going to inherit their current kickass bigscreen TV. It's HUGE! Yay!

No leftovers?

What's turkey day without a disastrous turkey issue and an assholish relative at the table? Well, normally we have pretty sedate gatherings, but yesterday was just chock-full of Spatula family drama. As such, no leftovers for the Spatula's...story to come later. Right now, I'm off to see National Treasure with the folks and drink happy happy ginormous amounts of sweet sweet Diet Coke.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Happy Thanksgiving! I got to Mom and Pop Spatula's in one piece after a marathon drive of 10+hours...for a normally 6 1/2 hour drive. But, seeing as how it's Thanksgiving and I'm supposed to be filled with holiday cheer, I'll have to tell you about it another day. Molly the Satanic Dog and I are watching the Macy's Parade and drinking Diet Coke (well, she's drinking water) and later this afternoon Grandpa and Uncle Spatula are coming over for the big feast. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here's a few things I'm thankful for this year:

1. Having M. as a friend who loves and supports me no matter what I do, or how stupid it is (thinking about the decision to go to law school here).

2. Having such wonderful parents who are smart, healthy, funny, loving, supportive, creative and filled with joy and try to always help me to be the person they know I have the potential to be.

3. Making such fabulous friends at law school who seem to always pop up just when I need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on or a ride home when I'm sick or cupcakes when I'm studying.

4. Having had the opportunity to travel the world and experience different places and cultures so that I can truly understand that no matter how much I appreciate other places, there's no place like home.

5. Having a fish that has lived longer than two weeks and provides a constant source of entertainment for me and doesn't mind listening to me complain about my day every morning as I get ready. (Do fish have ears? --ed.)

Anyway, don't forget to tell whoever is cooking your Thanksgiving meal THANK YOU for working all day just to watch everyone eat in about 20 minutes, and enjoy your holiday!

Just Because: The Happy Birthday Edition

Today's Just Because goes out to a very special lady (I've always wanted to say that)...my best friend M. This week it's her 30th birthday, so enjoy the men of Top Gun and make sure to leave her a comment and tell her Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday M!!!!







Also, I'm leaving to go home for Thanksgiving this afternoon...so who knows about posting and whatnot. Depends how much time I can manage to finagle on the computer without my parents thinking I'm addicted to porn or involved in "one of the those damn internet schemes."

Just Because: Beefy McManstick Badass Spatula

A special thanks to my good friend Legal Quandary for lending me her digital camera to take these pics.

Down to the Banana Republic

In an update to my earlier post regarding "latin bananas" I am now getting further into the banana debacle and wanted to let you in on these fascinating tidbits.

"In January 1994 the second panel issued its report (Bananas II)..."

"In March 1994, the EC and four of the complaining parties negotiated the so-called 'Bananas Agreement.'"

"In September, the United States announced that it, along with Guatemala, Honduras, and Mexico, would challenge the EC banana regime in the new WTO. This became known as the Bananas III dispute."

Just so we're clear, what we have here is:

Latin Bananas
Bananas II
The Banana Agreement
Bananas III (The Dispute)

Also, they all star Herbie the Love Bug, Burt Reynolds, an orangutan wearing diapers and a bonnet, a cyborg, and Jennifer Lopez.

When all else fails, blame it on someone else

Matt Lauer is interviewing Ron Artest this morning on The Today Show. I am not at all a basketball fan, but like everyone in America I've seen the footage of the big fight the other day in Detroit. All I have to say about this guy is that I hope it's the blows to the head that he suffered during the fight that are causing his...uh...current difficulties with articulating his point. He compared the fight with the War in Iraq. He also said that he thinks that people watching the fight saw players being attacked by fans and those players fighting back out of frustration. Just in case those two things don't explain away what happened he points out that he and another player have both had deaths in the family recently ("Uh, and yeah man, I had a death in the family too."). Then, the Executive Director of the NBA Union came on and was like "Well, clearly Ron isn't that articulate but I know what he's trying to say" and the proceeded to "interpret" Ron's message into something that was NOTHING like ANYTHING Ron had just said. I mean, not even in the same universe. Artest spent the entire interview trying to be cute since the interview was being simulcast on some kind of stupid morning radio show and trying to promote his new CD. Oh brother.

Anyway, on another, less frustrating note, I hope to have some pictures of Beefy McManstick Badass Spatula up soon...like in the next couple of days.

UPDATE: The NBA Union guy just blamed the fight on the War in Iraq too! What is WRONG with these people? He also said that the NBA and sports in general is a microcosm of the bigger system and the country is polarized and the players are desensitized because of the VIOLENCE THEY SEE ON TV! Are they all FIVE? I must be watching the wrong NBA because I thought they were all grown men making exorbitant amounts of money. Huh...wierd.

UPDATE: mellow-drama gives some commentary on the big fight here and here (this one has a video if you haven't seen it...which I guess means you don't own a TV or you have one that you don't actually turn on since the fight clip is on rapid rotation).

Christmas is coming early to the Beefy McManstick Badass Spatula household

Via Tenth-Muse comes a list of rather...uh...questionable Hickory Farms item titles. Among the standouts:

3 lb. Beefstick (sorry Beefy)
Pleasure Pack
Backpacker
Tempting Twosome

Head over and check out the others, very funny.

A few random notes for people who pissed me off today.

Well, since I already pointed out in the last post that I'm grouchy today I thought I would just go ahead and expound on that. After all, this is my blog, right?

1. If a path is wide enough for four people to walk side by side comfortably, the way we usually interpret that here in America is that each direction will get one half of the path, thereby allowing two people to walk side by side in each direction. If you think that just because you are 19 and semi-cute and you're with your three equally braindead and marginally attractive friends that somehow you have the right to walk four across and cause me to have to walk in the mud on the side, you are mistaken. I guess the way I wouldn't move and made you walk around me probably communicated to you how I feel about you and your three idiotic Britney-Spears-only-less-attractive friends hogging up the path, but just in case it didn't, let this public declaration serve as your warning. Stay out of my way. Seriously.

2. If I send out three emails in a row informing all the recipients (a) how I got their names and email addresses, and (b) that all they have to do to get off the list is let me know, then your email to me stating that you "Don't know how you got on my list" and "You would appreciate being taken off immediately" just makes me want to "forget" to do it for about the next six months. But instead I sent you back a snotty response and I feel infinitely better. How about you?

3. If you are a person who I have shown no interest in whatsoever in the past year and a half, and in fact, you see me actively avoiding you on a regular basis, I would appreciate it if you would just leave me alone. For real. Let's NOT get to know each other. I ALREADY know I don't like you. Go away.

4. If it is raining, and I am walking without an umbrella, and you are walking with an umbrella and you are an asshole and your umbrella pokes me at all about my head and neck area, I am going to feel free to throttle you with my bare hands. You may consider yourself warned as well.

5. If you are the seller of any retail product or service and you are rude to me while I am trying to purchase your product or service I am warning you that I am about one bad experience away from coming totally unhinged. That goes double for the car rental people tomorrow. You've even been PRE-warned, so there will be no excuses accepted.

6. They're = they are (See those stupid girls hogging up the path? What's funny is that they're all in college and yet not one of them looks smart enough to breathe on her own.); There = At or in that place (See those girls over there, the ones on the path? They suck and probably all have herpes.); Their = A modifier before a noun (See those girls on the path? Their shiny frosted pink lipstick looks equally horrible on all four of them.).

7. If you are in charge of the law school building, here's a hint: 92 degrees is not an acceptable temperature for a classroom unless that classroom is being used for that crazy hot-room yoga, or that classroom is in Hell. Please fix before I lose my mind (although I did like that we got out of class 20 minutes early...but still).

8. If you are the guy that called my organization's office today and then threatened to call the Dean because YOU had called the wrong number and I didn't know the number you wanted to call, go eff yourself. Seriously. I tried to help you, but when you started yelling, and then explained to me that you weren't yelling, and then yelled some more, you really lost me. Even when I explained that I was a student you still yelled. Here's a newsflash buddy: YOU CAN'T GET ME FIRED BECAUSE THANK GOD I DON'T WORK HERE! Go to hell.

9. If you are an office that I need something from, and you force me to fill out more than one form to get that thing I need, I just want you to know that there is a special place in hell for you. A place where you fill out forms all day and all night and nobody ever helps you and there is no door to escape and the bathroom is not clearly marked and you have to ask for a key anyway only there of course is no one to ask because every single person that works there is on a perpetual lunch break and the one person in the very back cubicle behind a locked window who you KNOW can see you is talking on her cellphone to her friend about her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's brother's cousin's wife and how she's pregnant and isn't sure if the daddy is the manager of the Wal-Mart deli or the Flagger from the local road crew and there's a tiny bell that rings every 19.3 seconds for all of eternity that tolls for the loss of customer service in America and the onslaught of a service industry culture where apparently only morons and degenerates are able to be hired to fill front-end customer interaction positions.

10. I'm going home now. For ice cream. And a beer.

UPDATE: I got home and ordered a pizza. And I live in an apartment where you have to call to get let in. Only I forgot to turn my phone ringer on, so the poor pizza guy stood out there for ten minutes trying to get in touch with me. I gave him a big tip and apologized profusely and didn't slit his throat when he hit on me, so I figure my karmic balance is OK.

UPDATE2: I decided I needed a Diet Coke to go with the pizza (and that I desperately needed some caffeine) so I went to the laundry room and put my money in the machine and I got TWO, count'em TWO, Diet Cokes for the price of one! Finally things are looking up!

Yes, we have no bananas

I am grouchy today. But, seeing as how that's not really news, I thought I would bring you this awesome tidbit from my International Legal Processes Book:

"Bananas come primarily from three areas: The Caribbean, Central and South America (latin bananas), and the Philippines."

I have no idea why I think that's funny, except that the author felt the need to explain that bananas coming from Central and South America are "latin."

Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.

I think someone in Spain has been watching a little too much Office Space. I'm just saying.

QOTW

Quote of the week on Boston Legal tonight:

Judge "Mr. Shore, my motto is 'If it smells funny, I don't eat it.'"
James Spader (Alan Shore): "Funny, that's the exact opposite of my motto."

I. LOVE. JAMES. SPADER.

You don't say.

Vanilla Ice Reunited With Wallaroo, Goat

File this under "Huh, good to know."

Is it almost Monday already?

I am happy to report that while writing a paper for Evidence today with a friend, using a hypo provided by the prof. with the defendant being a well-liked but slightly...uh...eccentric other professor, I managed to use the phrase "punched in the throat." As in, "Prof. XYZ then punched the Dean of the law school in the throat."

Also, by some total miracle, I actually slept in until 10:41 this morning. Shocking! I haven't slept in past 8 a.m. or so in YEARS! Including yesterday when I got about 4 hours of sleep and still went to school first thing in the morning. Guess the past week caught up with me.

Tomorrow starts the crazy hamster-wheel of my life again...I am SO glad this is a short week. Also, I pick up my rental for driving home for Thanksgiving on Tuesday, so watch out TVPNM drivers! I do love getting to drive though. Since I don't have a car here, every time I go home I volunteer to run out for every errand and try to make at least three or four unnecessary trips a day. It's like being 16 again. Except I found three gray hairs last week. *sniffle*

Who me? I'm reading. And studying. Yeah.

So, tonight I went to Rockin' Poncho, via not martha...and I LOVED the blog design so much I had to know more about who did it...and thus was directed even further down the blog road to Moxie Design Studios, where I spent the better part of the evening looking and lusting over blog designs that I can't really afford to buy, but covet nonetheless. And, once there, I started perusing the blogs of some of the women that run the joint, and not only are they really funny, but it made me covet all the more, especially this one. And this one too. I really like the sort of retro-ish look and all the colors, they make me happy. They make me want to drink martinis and do kitschy things, like maybe make fondue or something. I don't know, you get the point. Anyway, if anyone wants to buy me a birthday present, now you know where to go. Either there or Cabana Boys-R-Us. Also, Beefy McManstick Badass Spatula would like a castle and a real plant for his bowl. That will be all for now.

How to make your day just a little bit worse in thirteen easy steps.

This is a cautionary tale, about a girl who watches too much TV, loves to buy shit she sees advertised on TV, and doesn't think she has to read directions because she's seen the damn commercial for the new and exciting product 500 effing times.

First: Go to store with object of trip being buying cleaning implements to clean bathroom...including new toilet brush because old one was both yucky and icky and needed to be thrown out. Also, because "someone*" used old one to kill a big gross spider in the bathtub and there were creepy legs caught in it. Better to just buy a new one.

Second: Once at store, become enthralled with all manners of new and wonderful cleaning products that have been invented since last purchase of new toilet brush. One of these, the toilet cleaning stick with disposable sponge head thingie, seems particularly enchanting and HOORAY is on sale. Purchase disposable toilet cleaning wand thingie (DTCWT) and a single package containing one (1) toilet bowl tablet thingie (TBTT) for killing germs and whatnot.

Third: Feel superior to all those stupid people cleaning their toilets the old fashioned way. Smirk.

Fourth: Go home. Throw TBTT into toilet tank. Watch water turn blue. Oh shit. Feel concerned that people coming over and using toilet will be disturbed by green water after they pee in it. Decide that most people coming over are drunk and will probably think (a) it's a game, or (b) they are hallucinating. Open DTCWT and attach disposable sponge head thingie (is it immature to ALWAYS laugh when you write the word "head" no matter the context?).

Fifth: Think about woman in DTCWT commercial who happily scrubs toilet, detaches disposable sponge head thingie, and flushes it, all the while feeling enchanted at how delightful her life of scrubbing toilets has become now that she doesn't have to struggle with that complicated and menacing toilet brush. Scrub toilet. Feel kind of happy, but not the same way the lady in the commercial feels. Damnit.

Sixth: Detach disposable sponge head thingie. Feel marginally more happy that it just has to be flushed and then bathroom drudgery is over. Flush. Uh-oh.

Seventh: Watch with increasing dismay as navy blue water rises and rises and then overflows onto pink bathroom rug and shitty linoleum. Dig through the trash in a panic trying to find packaging from DTCWT.

Eighth: Read packaging. Yup, it says disposable. Oh wait, why is that red line through the picture of the toilet. Wonder for a second if I could have gotten this very very wrong. Think about commercial. In commercial woman is disposing of square shaped scrubby head thingie, in toilet is lodged round shaped scrubby head thingie. Huh. Read package more thoroughly. Yes, disposable in the context of this PARTICULAR BRAND of DTCWT means that it may be disposed of in the trash. Oops.

Ninth: Flush toilet again to see if maybe it has moved down and will miraculously fix itself. Rising tide of navy blue water. Damn the TBTT. Put on coat, go back to store for plunger.

Tenth: Stand in hardware aisle of grocery store trying to decide which plunger is "better" and then wonder what plunger quality criteria are. Decide on black one because it looks more badass and stealthy. Walk through store to card aisle and buy birthday card for M., laughing hysterically and holding plunger.

Eleventh: Walk home two blocks holding plunger. Try to look dignified.

Twelfth: Plunge toilet. Flush. Rising navy blue tide. Plunge. Get navy blue droplets of water on every surface of bathroom including white shower curtain and pink hand towels. Decide that at least it's probably antibacterial or something. Pray. Plunge. Flush. Finally disposable spongy thing is gone. Make note to self to (a) read directions BEFORE using next wonderful cleaning implement bought at grocery store on sale, and (b) to try to figure out why women on TV cleaning bathrooms seem so happy.

Thirteenth: Have stiff drink, or ten, at bar with friends. Tell this story about 200 times.

*OK, I admit it, it was me.

These are the moments of my life.

I went to the birthday party of my good friend's boyfriend last night and it was really fun...the parts I remember anyway. It was at one of those adult Chuck E. Cheese kind of places, and right after we got there an employee ran over my foot with a loaded handtruck -- so we got $14 in tokens for the games, which my friend and I blew on the world's longest game of Area 51. Strange to think that my foot getting smashed is only worth $14, but whatever. Aside from all of that, I had a really good time and I'm glad I forced myself to get out of the house and have some social interaction that didn't involve whispering over the table at the library. Strangely too, I don't remember like half the night but I'm not the least bit hungover today...not that I'm complaining, at least about the hangover part. The not remembering part is fine by me, I would implore my friends to just let that stand...I don't need to know the finer details of how obnoxious I was last night, thanks!

So, today is all day at school, tomorrow is all day at school...guess the fun part of the weekend is officially over.

PS: You might have noticed that my images are down. I've been a very naw-ty girl and got spanked by my image hosting service, so they should be back up tomorrow I think. If not, I'm getting a new service.

PS pt. 2: I just remembered that with some of the $14 in tokens my friend and I and her really good friend tried to play a driving game and I crashed my car into the wall like 14 times and lost my four tokens or whatever it cost in about 1 minute...I was so drunk. Good think I don't have a car I guess, it doesn't seem like I'd be one of those people that could drive drunk and get away with it.

PS pt. 3: I have a great story to tell you but I have to get some work done, so maybe later. It involves me being just as dippy as ever for your entertainment.

PS pt. 4: I have a tiny little bit of a crush on the boy who works at the pizza place across from the school...he's probably WAY younger than me, and has dreadlocks, which is DEFINITELY not my thing at all, but still, for some reason he just has Cabana Boy written all over him. Crushes are nice...and I justify an awful lot of pizza these days going over there just to take a look and sigh.

Note to Self:

The cure for the 2L doldrums, and the stress of the past two weeks, and the fact that you have no money whatsoever...is to go out tonight and drink until you are so drunk that you can't stand up. And then drink some more.

I will be acting on this note in T-minus 5 hours.

Nikoleyeland

I've been meaning to do this for a couple of days, but just now got around to it...my friend from school is a REALLY talented artist and just started a website for his work, so I want to give him a plug here and encourage you to go over and have a look. He does digital artwork and it's very interesting and beautiful. I hope to be able to get a permanent link up in my siderbar in the next few days with some thumbnails (maybe if he doesn't mind) of his work, but until then, go check it out!

Mmmmmm...vodka

FINALLY -- The job I will do when if I definitely possibly fail out of law school. WHY didn't I think of this about 10 years ago. Or better yet, that one time when I drank about half a bottle of gin...that came in a plastic bottle...with a squeeze top. I don't remember really ever feeling as bad after drinking as I did that time. Well, except that one time last year. Oh yeah, and that one time over the summer. And...well, never mind.

Link via not martha

Mental Vacation

I'm taking a well-deserved break tonight to get the house cleaned up, catch up on life administration tasks (like getting reimbursed for the disastrous San Francisco trip), cook myself a reasonable dinner, and vegetate in front of the TV. Not sure when the new job with* start, but adding at** extra 10-20 hours a week of work into my life is going to be difficult...gotta enjoy a little down time when the opportunity presents itself. I encourage everyone else to take a couple hours of time and relax too -- it feels so good, although I can barely stay awake. Back tomorrow!

*will
**an

Yeah, I can't spell. Also, about half the keys on my keyboard don't have the letters anymore and when I get tired I just get even less detail oriented than my usual general standard of pure laziness.

I see London, I see France...I see a bunch of kinda wierd looking underpants.

Is there anything funnier than an entire website devoted to men's underwear? Yes, one called FreshPair.com.

Behold The Baskit. And The Baskit Energy...which looks to have a little more...er...energy. For those of you concerned with safety, but not getting laid enough to invest in hot undies, try the Baskit Urban Bikini with condom pocket.

The Chereskin. Somebody has alternate uses for their sweatsocks...that's all I'm saying. FreshPair says: "This bikini is perfect for athletes and guys who want to impress!"

The Magic Silk G-String. Comes in Black, Cobalt, Golden Cheetah (grrrrr!!), Red, Orange , Purple, and Turquoise. And seems to have minimizing effects judging from the picture. Oh wait, is that bad? Here's what FreshPair says about the Magic Silk G-String:

The stretchy, silk pouch covers vital areas and not much more! Brave and bold this skimpy g-string doesn't leave much to the imagination. Choose from a variety of colors and prints to suit your every mood. Purple is not available until late september. Orange and turquoise available in November.

It boggles the mind why Purple is only available in the winter and Orange isn't available until well after October, when one would think the need would be greatest. What if the manwhore buying this particular g-string is an Autumn? Guess he'll have to go for Golden Cheetah.

Magic Silk also makes a Chartreuse G-String Pouch. Which this guy is wearing well, even though the "pouch" is barely big enough for a pair of my earrings. And in case it's not clear, by "well" I mean "sadly not filling."

The C-IN 2 Lo No Show. "this trunk features a non-functional contour pouch with a single center seam and is cut to accentuate the lower abdomen and bottom. The sides measure 7.5 inches from the top of the waistband to the top of the front leg seam. " I'm glad I know exactly how long these are in inches. I'm just saying. It's like having a ruler. "Put the underwear on. QUIT ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS AND PUT ON THE DAMN PANTIES. I'm trying to check something."

The Munsingwear Full Rise Comfort Pouch Brief. I thought they only made training *bras*...but apparently no. It does however have "a 2-exit fly for right or left preference." Boys love choices.

I could go on and on all night, but I'll end with a classic. The Calvin Klein Boxer Brief...normally a personal fave of mine...but kind of strange looking on a male model that's basically doing the man equivalent of sticking out his chest. Only not his chest. You know.

*Drool*

Hey Larry, I guess People Magazine got that check you sent. Look who the Sexiest Man Alive is. That's right, Jude Law...hottie and now King of the Cabana Boys. Yum.

It's stress. But it's PAID stress!

Got a research assistant position today -- actually a fellowship, but whatever. It's doing some very interesting research for an entity that sub-contracts for another, bigger, more government-y entity and then compiling that research so that the non-lawyer-types can understand it if they ever stop doing math long enough to try. Not only does this involve MONEY, but it involves some subjects that I am EXTREMELY interested in, and potentially getting away from the school once in a while and meeting NON-LAWYERS (but quite possibly these non-lawyers will be hard science types...oh well). Anyway, I'm kind of excited, and dare I say *optimistic* that this will be challenging work that I will enjoy. Hooray!

FYI

I think I figured out who NDC is. Shame on you!

Headline of the Day

"Birth Control Darts May Target Kangaroos, Koalas"

No word yet on whether they will be able to target Wal-Mart parking lots and Britney Spears.

Makes me wish Britney had put a wedding announcement in the NY Times.

I found this site via Jeremy. And it's so funny. Because nothing is better than snark...especially aimed at soon to be married types who put ads in the NY Times. I especially like this one, and not just because it was posted at 3:45am.

Quote of the Day: "Sharing a love of androgynous first names, Jordan and Lee were wed this past week. Neither of their lives is really all that remarkable."

Just Because: The Franchise

Just Because: Antonio Sabato, Jr.

Ha

Thanks to M, we can all enjoy a little irony at work, and for once, not in my life.

DUSHANBE (Reuters) - A 23-meter (75-foot) high monument in Tajikistan called "Eternal Life" collapsed on Wednesday and nearly killed five people.

Five men working on the monument designed as a new centerpiece heralding optimism after war in the 1990s suffered broken arms and legs when it came crashing down on top of them, said police spokesman Alisher Khakimov.

It's late. So so late.

Hell yeah it's after 1am and I'm still up working on my effing Evidence paper. Somehow this paper just sort of inadvertently reached gargantuan proportions...like giving Gremlins water after midnight or something...well, I guess technically that would be a better analogy if my paper was actually breeding indiscriminately, like Britney Spears, but it's late and I'm so tired. The best part of this non-story is that halfway through the final edit my computer just SHUT OFF for no apparent reason. It was so awesome. Especially the part where I started to cry and wail and then I had to sacrifice Beefy (the only virgin I could find in this apartment) in order to appease the gods of Fed. R. Evid. 702 and Hewlett Packard who have actually merged into a rather significant vortex of Evil and Doom. I wish I had a Cabana Boy who I could force to scribe this entire paper by hand while I sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with petty issues like "computers" and "rules" and "logic". Yeah. That would be cool. OK, clearly I've reached the end of whatever tiny train of coherent thought I had going. Off to bed.

I'm a giver. Heh heh.

NDC and Soupie can both eat my dust...I'm rarer than both of them! Also, this is pretty accurate for a test that has 20 questions and which I got on the internet. Especially the part about me not being able to deal with people I don't respect. Yup, it's mostly all true. Oh yeah, except the part about the huge shlong (also, is this the accepted spelling for shlong? huh.)...but I'm sure if I had one it would be huge...and if not, I have about 9,368 emails in my spam folder that would be able to help me with that. I'm thankful that it's one thing I'm not having to worry about these days. Perhaps that will be my thing I'm thankful for at the table on Thanksgiving. "Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Uncle Black Sheep of the Family, I am SO thankful that if I was a man I would have a big shlong according to a test I took on the internet, and also that I'm not a man and so don't have to worry so much about these things. Please pass the potatoes."

eXpressive: 8/10
Practical: 3/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 6/10

You are a XSIG--Expressive Sentimental Intellectual Giver.

This makes you a Teddy Bear. Hee! I just want to give you a big squeeze. You are tender, honest, generous and fair. You are an excellent kisser and a sensitive, communicative lover, and you know it. You would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings or overstep his/her boundaries. You have beautiful eyes.

Most people take your laid-back attitude, blazing wit and subtle sexiness and stick you in "friend." But some see your extreme hotness for what it is and latch on. This means you have a few members of your target sex in the bank at all times -- I call this "money in the sex bank" -- but you're too sensitive and thoughtful to exploit them. More than once.

You are so rational and deliberate in an argument that it can frustrate and exhaust your partner. Your fights can take forever, but your press on with them until they are completely resolved and both you and your partner are satisfied. If your partner is weak of will, s/he may just give in -- be wary of this! An emotional or passive-aggressive outburst later will hurt and horrify you.

It is *critically important* that you are able to respect your partner. The moment you lose respect for him/her, you lose everything.

When you make friends, you make them for life -- you can go without speaking to a friend for years and pick up right where you left off.

You are completely faithful, both physically and emotionally.

You are the second best (to XPIG) parent of any type.

If you are male, you have a huge shlong. Just saying. Of the 154601 people who have taken this quiz, 8 % are this type.