God Bless the "B" curve!

Grades came out today. I am officially a 2L and have officially passed Property, which just goes to show you that taping a $100 bill to the back of the exam TOTALLY works! In other good news, I spent almost the whole day at the library reading a book my supervisor told me to read, only to find out it was totally useless and so boring that I kept falling asleep, even after 4 Diet Cokes in about 2 hours (and I mean the 20oz bottles, not those stupid sissy cans).

Work is going OK. I am finding that it doesn't pay to go to a school on the quarter system because when you get to your summer job about 4 weeks later than everyone else most of them have already been assigned the "big/good" projects and most of the lawyers who hand out "big/good" projects have already picked a favorite intern to go to. Also, they gave a bunch of training to the first interns that got here, and me and Mr. Second to the Last to Arrive basically were told "well, sorry...we don't have the time or resources to do that training again." So, we've been relegated to some mundane/tangentially legally related tasks that the other interns have been able to skirt by way of the two points above. But, I'm getting around D.C. pretty effectively now, and my best friend is going to come visit in a couple weeks...so, all in all, life is OK.

Plus, I didn't fail any classes...so here I come International Legal Processes, Basic Income Tax, Law and the Use of Force, and Evidence...Fall Quarter '04. Stay Sweet. Have a great summer. Luv ya 4-eva.

Oh my god...say it isn't so!

My crappy little elf name is Shetland Granitebottom.
What's yours?
Powered by Rum and Monkey.

Link via Naked Drinking Coffee and Stag...

PS: That one is when I used my "real" name...if I use "Energy Spatula" (which hopefully I don't have to explain to anyone isn't my real name) I get Juniper Horsebeard. Jesus.

The world is officially ending. That will be all.

Oh my god...two of the most evil forces in America have teamed up on an audio-visual freak show that will probably cause me to go into a catatonic state for at least the next two years, followed by a lifetime of cutesy-ness induced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Celine Dion, shrieking no-talent diva, is in collusion with Anne Geddes, photographer of babies made to look like produce and insects, to produce what will surely be a nausea-inducing project involving the sum total of their creative talent...either a black hole that sucks in everything around it for thousands of light years, or an audio-book filled with the sound of babies shrieking while being forced to wear idiotic costumes shaped like carrots and ladybugs and watch hours and hours of horrendously annoying Chrysler commercials.

Get your dancing megalomaniac right here folks!!

What if the soundtrack to the movie Cocktail (starring a very cute Adventure's in Babysitting era Elisabeth Shue and a very...well...exactly the same as he is now smarmy and short Tom Cruise) were used for the backdrop to a dancing Saddam Hussein doll? Good news folks...someone already had that million dollar idea!!

Just Because: The Franchise

Just Because: The Thinking Woman's Edition -- James Spader



James gets two pic's because he's double hot...damn.

UPDATE: This has nothing to do with James, but I didn't want to interrupt everyone's view with a new post. I had a major linking service meltdown last night, so I've attempted to repost the links to my template (I saved them a while back), plus add the people I know I had added through the other service. If your link got dropped, please don't be shy...drop me a line and let know, I want to get them ALL back up again!! Thanks.

Please don't say manana if you don't mean it.

My ISP is down for the count starting in less than an hour until the wee small hours of the morning. Favorable Dicta will be back up and running bright and early...with a "Just Because: The Franchise" boy to soothe even the most troubled souls.

It's probably good anyway, because today I got railroaded in a meeting with my supervisor by one of the other interns and I am not a happy camper.

Just so you'll have something to read while I'm gone though...here's your Team Natural Selection MVP for the day. Also, I watch that show Airline all the time late at night on A&E, and I was TOTALLY waiting for this to happen.

UPDATE: The server I use to put pic's on the blog is having technical difficulties. IF they aren't back up by tomorrow morning I will post TWO hot Just Because boys on Thursday to make it up to you!

The gift of love that burns forever....uh yeah.

Oh my god, this is funny.

These reviews are hysterical. Really. Oh my god, I can't stop laughing...I hope they don't take it down before more people are able to share in this...this...HILARITY.

(Link via Dylan at The Slithery D)

Must. Have. More. Trash.

For my readers in the greater D.C. metropolitan area...can anyone tell me a good used bookstore? I am going through an enormous amount of trashy romance and mystery novels...my appetite for formulaic serial novels is almost disturbing in its magnitude. And given the fact that I am not being paid for my summer-o-learnin' I need to stop buying these stupid books new, especially given the fact that I finish them in two days usually. At $8 a pop, I'm gonna be in the poorhouse soon, which is conveniently located across the street from my apartment, by the way.

In other news, I got lost tonight trying to find someplace good for dinner, and ended up at the White House. They didn't invite me in to have dinner, but I found a cute little sandwich shop with lots of other alone-type people eating, and the sandwich was really good. And cheap. So, all's well that ends well. And I got a scoop of ice cream for $1.49. Hell yeah.

Damn you...

Whoever it is in Australia that keeps getting here by searching for "Diet Coke" and "Cabana Boy" (by "keeps" I mean "more than once," unless there's something going on in Australia that I don't know about causing this influx)...how come you never leave your name? Don't you know we're perfect for each other? I bet you have a hot Australian accent too. Next time you stop by, say "Hi"...clearly this is meant to be!

P.S. Soupie, you inspired me to check my key search words for the day...and look what you've done. I'm forlorn.

If we give into those people, we're giving into all the cute and fuzzy bunnies in the world.

This is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life. Simulated dating...where you PAY a woman (or man or whatever) to go on a date with you and then tell you what you did wrong so you can learn to be a better dater. Whatever the hell that is. And the best part?

“We’ve researched carefully what behaviors are more widely appealing to others,” Demarais said. “I could say, ‘Look, you might be quirky and off from the norm, and I like that,’ and so I give you a positive rating. But that wouldn't be as valuable than to say, for example, that this [behavior] is more universally appealing and you're not doing that all the time — are you aware of that? Is that the image you want to project?”

I know I hate it when people portray the image of...uh...their real selves...quirky and offbeat included. I would much rather have a man who's been coached to say all the right things until I decide I can trust him, and that he's who I think he is, then spring it on me that actually he's none of those things...he's just doing stuff his DATING COACH told him to do. You probably think I'm overreacting...and I probably am...but I'm really appalled. Practically every single person I know, myself included, has trouble trusting members of the opposite sex. And not that stupid high school kind of distrust, but the distrust borne of being in a relationship that, when it ended, broke your soul and made you realize that sometimes when someone says they're going to love you forever, they really mean for the next three months and eleven days...not that I'm speaking from experience here.

So...I want all the single people reading this to take a deep breath...that's right...now breathe out...and go try to be yourself. Quirky is good. Irreverent is good. Nerdy is good. Offbeat is good. Funny is good. Fake is not good.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

I was feeling a little bit homesick today, so I called my parents just to say hello...and someone new answered the phone at their house.

Me: "Hello"
New Girl: "Hello, Spatula Residence"
Me: "Ummm...this is Energy..."
New Girl: "Oh hi"
Me: "Not to be rude...but who are you?"
New Girl: "I'm Beth"
Me: "Ummm...are my parents there"
New Girl: "No, they're out playing golf"
Me: "And...so...you're answering their phone?"
New Girl: "Oh, no...I'm Molly's babysitter"
Me: "Yeah...just tell my parents to call me when they get home"
New Girl: "Well, they're just gonna come home and change clothes and then they're going to a barbeque, so they probably won't have time"
Me: "Uh, ok. Just tell them Energy called. I'm their daughter"
New Girl: "OK, whatever"

Molly the Satantic Dog has a babysitter. I didn't even get a babysitter most of the time. My parents would either (a) drag me to the Golf Course and force me to caddy for 18 holes (under the "it's good exercise" guise) or (b) buy me some books, preferably something in the Babysitter's Club or Sweet Valley High genre, tell me where the ice cream and Diet Coke were, and take off...because I was "responsible." Oh my god, they have officially gone completely insane. I cannot even begin to fathom how much they are paying this girl to babysit an EFFING DOG. They live in Southern Oregon. It's nice out. They have a ONE ACRE yard with a fence. I am aghast.

Actual Picture of Molly the Satanic Dog

"It was a beautiful day, the kind you want to toast"*

This morning I got up early and went to the Farmer's Market at Dupont Circle. I got fresh fruit and bread and cheese...yummy. I also found some good book stores and got a couple books, which I desperately needed before spending a Sunday doing (probably) nothing. The weather here is GORGEOUS! I think I'm gonna head up to the roof of my apartment building and have a little reading/napping session. We get lots of sun in Thinly Veiled Pacific Northwest Metropolis (more than people probably think) but it seems like it's of a different quality than East Coast sun...which is DEFINITELY different than Texas sun. It's weird how that works. It's almost spring-like though today, not too hot...and pretty blue skies.

One point I would make to the men of D.C. though...loafers without socks are not an acceptable substitute for sandals or flip-flops or whatever other casual open shoe you would like to wear in hot sunny weather. They look stupid. You look like bankers that barely escaped some sort of convention where they stole your socks. Just quit it.

*Jimmy of course.

Planet of the Chimps

If life were a movie, this is the part where we would teach the chimps some "harmless" things, like blowing an airgun at visitors in retaliation for the visitors pounding on the glass, or how to push a "secret" button on a tree to get snacks (which doesn't sound half-bad to me) and then they would mutate, figure out how to work the locks, break out, and make a human zoo where they would force us to sit in cages and be mocked by toddler chimps and eat snacks out of fake trees. I just don't think it's a good idea.

The summer has officially begun.

I went to Madam's Organ tonight. Hence. I am trashed. Yay for me!

Quote of the Day...

Charlie Sheen in Ferris Bueller's Day Off: "You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much eye makeup. People think she's a whore."

Consumer is my name - Tourism is my game...

Today I went to the Museum of Natural History and the Navy Memorial, and just generally walked all over the place and looked at stuff and bought overpriced postcards and magnets and whatnot. I saw LOADS of sparkly, shiny, diamondy things at the Museum...I want to move in there and just stare at the shinies all day long.

Also, I noticed today that no matter what nationality they are, all kids love to chase pigeons...carriers of germs and plague and pestilence and god only knows what else. Blech.

Lastly, we have these little card things to get into our building, and today I dropped mine down the elevator shaft. I am officially a klutzy dumbass. Seriously, I was trying to put it back in my purse and it slipped out of my hand and fell directly into the little opening between the elevator door and the great beyond. So now I have to get buzzed in and out until Monday when hopefully the little office will be open and I can get a new card...lately I've been dropping stuff A LOT...I hope that isn't a sign of impending nerve disease from the Diet Coke or something.

P.S. If you are someone's totally HOT ex-Cabana-Boy (and yardstick by which all future Cabana Boys will be measured) and you send a picture to that someone "just to say Hi" please make sure that I...I mean that someone...can open said picture. Anything less is torture.

I'm a fieldmarshall in the Energy Spatula Army...

I took one of those Myers-Briggs personality inventory things at work today because it was up on our intranet for some retreat all the lawyers just went to...and it says I'm an ENTJ. I think that's probably right because (a) I was an ENTJ when I took this about 15 years ago in junior high school, and (b) it sounds exactly like me. For those of you that know me "in real life"...what do you think?

If one word were used to capture ENTJ's style, it would be commandmant. The basic driving force and need of ENTJs is to lead, and from an early age they can be observed taking over groups. ENTJs have a strong urge to give structure wherever they are - to harness people to distant goals. Their empirical, objective, and extraverted thinking may be highly developed; if this is the case, they use classification, generalization, summarization, adduction of evidence, and demonstration with ease. They resemble the ESTJs in their tendency to establish plans for a task, enterprise, or organization, but ENTJs search more for policy and goals rather than for regulations and procedures.

ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshall and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader. The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan. One ENTJ put it this way... "I make these little plans that really don't have any importance to anyone else, and then feel compelled to carry them out." While "compelled" may not describe ENTJs as a group, nevertheless the bent to plan creatively and to make those plans realiity is a common theme for NJ types.

ENTJs are often "larger than life" in describing their projects or proposals. This ability may be expressed as salesmanship, story-telling facility or stand-up comedy. In combination with the natural propensity for filibuster, our hero can make it very difficult for the customer to decline.

ENTJs are decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows. Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell. When challenged, the ENTJ may by reflex become argumentative. Alternatively (s)he may unleash an icy gaze that serves notice: the ENTJ is not one to be trifled with.

If you want to find out your personality type, click here. If you want to read more about ENTJ's (why you would, I don't know...but just in case), click here.

Punching your attorney equals a mistrial PLUS the satisfaction of...uh...punching your attorney.

Apparently this judge never heard that you shouldn't reward bad behavior...doesn't he know it just leads to more negative attention seeking? Geez. What Would Dr. Phil Say (WWDPS)?

1/8 of my summer internship...DONE

So, I am one week into my eight week internship and I have nothing really too interesting to report (at least nothing that's going on the blog). I got a couple of projects yesterday and today...both are pretty run-of-the-mill summer intern fare, I think. The other interns are still wholesome and still from better schools than me. Don't think that's gonna change much...well, I'm gonna work on un-wholesome-ing them, but it could be an exercise in futility. I set up our first group happy hour for next Friday (they needed time to get used to the idea), so we'll see how that goes.

In the meantime, it started POURING down rain today just as I got off the Metro, so I walked home in the rain and honestly, I sort of felt like I was back in Thinly Veiled Pacific Northwest Metropolis, and I even missed it just a little...isn't that sick? A girl who goes to my school and lives near here has offered to be my friend and take me out with some of her other friends tomorrow night (hopefully), so maybe that will yield a little something I like to call...A LIFE. I still plan on a dizzying day of consumerism and tourism tomorrow, provided the weather isn't terrible...my tourist identification uniform is in the wash as I write. So, in synopsis, I've been working for one week and I've learned the following:

1) Cubicles were invented by the Devil right after he retired from his job as head of Financial Aid...thankfully though I get to hear the woman next to me talk about who is going to pick up the birthday cake for her sister's husband's nephew's girlfriend's cousin's birthday party.
2) Beware the human welcome wagon intern...no good can come of that.
3) Scary crazy people ride the Metro, except me of course...I'm not scary...or crazy...no siree.
4) Chinatown has good Chinese food, and the mall has bad Chinese food...go figure.
5) Lifelong foot deformity is a small price to pay for looking taller by wearing pointy-toed high heels.
6) In the face of sheer boredom, I check my email approximately 8,527,831 times per day.
7) There are four places that sell Diet Coke within a five-minute walk from my apartment...thank god.

That's it for now...next week hopefully will be just as "exciting" as this week...if not maybe I'll buy a Chia Pet and report daily on its growth progress or something. Sigh.

And the Survey says....

Men either ARE or ARE NOT into getting married and either DO or DO NOT trust women and the institution of marriage. I love it when a survey really gets at the issues...I mean really drills down to the one thing that's important...which apparently is this lady getting to write yet another crappy book (she's the author of "Why There Are No Good Men Left"...a literary masterpiece I'm sure).

Fruit from the Horny Tree

Now honey, eat your aguaje...you know it gives you big boobs and makes you horny. Nice.

Rabble Rousing and 1L DRAMA...

Email from my CrimLaw Prof yesterday (for background...we were in a class that was supposed to earn grades based on reaching a certain point level. Points were earned through writing papers, answering book questions, and various forms of participation...we were assured NUMEROUS times that if we achieved the cutoff levels for certain grades, that is what we would make...that he would "fight" to ensure that any students who earned an 'A' got an 'A'...):

I have just received the grades in Criminal Law (they were determined anonymously, based on adding up the numbers), and I am extremely frustrated! Although I gave the maximum allowable grades in every category (A, A-, B+), almost all students received grades lower than they deserved.

The categories I stated at the beginning of the course for the various grade levels were based on past experience and the point levels I thought students needed to reach to demonstrate proficiency at that level.

Based on my stated criteria and standards, every student in Criminal Law who received an A- (and even a number who received a B+) *deserved* an A. Most people who received a B+ deserved an A-.

Even worse, I was required by Law School rules to give a minimum of 16 grades of B or lower. That means that even those who should have received an A- would get a B or lower, if their total fell in that group of 16.

Adding to the unfairness is the fact that, because I graded the papers "on their merit," rather than on some curve, the total points students earned were not only high, but very tightly bunched -- just a few points could end up making the difference between A and B+.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about the unfairness this year. I will be continuing to try to find a way to improve the situation in the future. If any of you can think of a creative way to produce a fairer result within the strictures of the first-year mandatory curve, please let me know.

In the meantime, please be assured that, in my mind, the grade you *earned* by virtue of the point totals you achieved is the grade that indicates your performance in the class. I know that is small compensation if you received a B+ that should have been an A, but please feel free to use me as a reference. If you let me know your point total, I would be more than willing to tell any potential employer about the quality of your work based on your overall performance and not the Law School's grading system.

Also, I don't like being a "rabble-rouser," but if I were a first-year student, I would be organizing an effort to convince the faculty that requiring that at least 25% of every class must receive a B or lower is not fair, given the quality of our students and the amount of effort they put into their courses.

But, in the end, it is summer, you survived your first year, law school gets much better after the first year, and hopefully what you will retain from Criminal Law is what your learned and the skills you developed -- rather than any particular grade.

This is what happens when a Prof who is very vocally opposed to the "mandatory curve" and our school's current grading system uses his 1L class as test subjects and in the end most,if not all of us, get screwed over. My grade when down almost a full letter from what I was led to believe I had earned. Yeah...I'm kinda pissed.

Judge + Penis Pump + Shaving Willy at Work = LAWSUIT

This judge NOT ONLY used his "gag gift" penis pump while he was hearing cases (witnesses say it sounded like a blood pressure cuff inflating...har har)...but he SHAVED his nasty wang while court was in session in front of the stenographer. WTF???

DJ Tommy "Camera Ready" Lee

Oh my god, apparently Tommy Lee is DJ'ing Father's Day parties now. I guess the amateur porn industry was already done full up. Seriously though...shouldn't he have enough money/celebrity to be above this kind of thing? What's next? Balloon animals at the County Fair? Recording cell phone voicemail messages for like $10 a pop?

The Corpse Flower...for when you care enough to send something that smells like 3-day old roadkill!

God, it smells like something died in here! Oh wait, that's just my blooming corpse flower...isn't it neat!

Adventures in interning AND sightseeing!

Today I took my first Fraggle-ific exploration into the world outside my apartment. I came home early, put on my tourist identification outfit (capris, T-shirt from Brewery in Thinly Veiled Northwest Metropolis, and 1/35th of the Chuck Taylor All-Star Shoe collection...the Blue Hawaiians if you must know), and walked many blocks to Chinatown and Judiciary Square, home of the National Building Museum...which I didn't go into but was a very attractive building (I guess that only seems right...).

In Chinatown I saw a restaurant called New Big Wong. Really. I didn't eat there (no pun intended...well, maybe it was a little bit intended) but I did get chinese food at another place, and it was really, really good...of course that could have been because I was walking around in the heat for like five thousand hours.

Work is going OK. There's not much I can talk about on here. Today I got a kinda-sorta research project that theoretically sounded interesting but in reality is going to be pretty routine I think. Other than that, the interns are VERY low-key. I think perhaps at the end of the summer I will have more to say about them...generally speaking...they are all nice people from (mostly) better schools than me.

Today they played that game at lunch where you try to decide what you would do between two really bad choices. Here's the worst thing they came up with (in an ENTIRE hour of playing...they do this almost every day at lunch):

Would you rather....

Laugh at a funeral or sleep through your graduation from law school.

I can't make this up folks. Like I said, they're really nice people, but I almost don't know what to do with a group this wholesome. I feel sort of internally sinful all the time and I am having to reign in my mouth BIG-TIME. I have yet to hear anyone utter a curse word, and today one of the guys said "butthead" then turned red and immediately apologized and looked like he was going to have a breakdown. I, on the other hand, am like those people who get so proficient in another language that they dream in it...only I dream in four-letter words, beer, dirty jokes, and just general loud obnoxiousness. It's gonna be a long summer!

Just Because: The Franchise

In the Soupie's BBQ & Daycare tradition, Favorable Dicta will be having a Just Because boy once a week (not every day...too busy), on Wednesdays (it's hump-day, get it? huh? huh? do ya?). So, I will take any and all suggestions but reserve the right to final selection...which means don't complain when you see James Spader up here...he's HOT (incidentally Larry thinks so too, which makes me think I'm in good company as she undoubtably has better judgment than me, what with my shady divorcee past and all...). So, without further ado...here is #1:

Just Because: The Rock

Blog I'm reading this week...

It's rare for me to give a personal endorsement for a blog (more out of laziness than anything else...I love everyone equally!!), but Waiting for the Punchline has been tremendously entertaining all summer, so consider it endorsed. The author is in China and the posts about her summer have been really great (way better than my lame attempts anyway). So, go read it. C'mon, you know you want to.

Interning 101

Over the course of the summer I thought I would give out some tips for people who think they might like to come to D.C. to be an intern. I would remind you that I have been an intern for TWO WHOLE DAYS and as such, should be considered an expert and treated accordingly. Thank you.

1. Make sure to arrive last (it helps to go to a school on quarters)...that way everyone will be extra-awed by you and will pretend not to notice that you've even arrived or give you a desk or a computer or anything...they're just jealous of your tardiness.

2. If you possibly can, come to a city with a Metro. That way you won't miss the experience of being crammed into a coffin on rails with burnt umber deathseats and a whole gaggle of pissed off people who just want to get home and have a beer and a cigarette. If one of them rolls over your toe with their extra-super-huge briefcase on wheels and then looks at you like you are the asshole, just smile and realize that he is probably jealous of your beautiful sneakers (which you have to wear because standing up on the Metro for forty-five minutes each way in high-heels has already permanently deformed your feet) and he just doesn't know how to express his envy and covetousness in a socially acceptable manner.

3. Make sure to show up on your first day of work bright-eyed and bushy-tailed...and ready to watch a fifteen-thousand-hour CD about the MOST boring aspect of your job. Don't forget that there will be a quiz. It will be really hard because it will be comprised of all the post-section review questions...but the ANSWERS will be in a DIFFERENT ORDER. Don't worry though...you can take it as many times as you need to in order to pass. They encourage excellence through repetitiveness...kind of like dog-training...only no treats.

4. If you are addicted to a substance...say...Diet Coke...make sure to choose a city that only sells Diet Pepsi. Also, it helps to work with a bunch of other interns who are all fitness freaks and health-food junkies...those scathing looks they give you when you wax poetic about the beauty of aspartame?? JEALOUSY!!!

I will have more later...I think that I am going to try to write something about the intern "types" that I see both at work and on the metro and in other offices in my building.

Aside from that, I have decided that this weekend I will be going to The Smithsonian...and perhaps out for a beer if I can find someone to go with...the other interns don't seem to be too down with togetherness...so...gonna have to find a way around that. I didn't come to D.C. to spend the whole summer in my damn apartment, blogging and compulsively checking my email. No siree.

First things first...

In my post below about my nickname-to-be-determined-at-a-later-date British Friend, I used his super high-tech cell phone once to draw a picture...and color it. At the time (day after last final) I was attempting drunkenly to master a pictorial representation of "The Law" as imagined by me after one year of law school. He was kind enough to provide said picture...so here it is (try not to look directly at it, my hardcore artistic talent could blind you).

It's like trying to chase an ostrich with a scooter...

Poles and Rashes

Huh...a stripper with a rash...and a pole is the problem...no really, the metal pole. Geez. Get your minds out of the gutter!

Hello British Friend!

Apparently my British Friend (who shall remain nameless unless he emails me and tells me it's OK to use his first name) is peeved that I have yet to mention him on my blog. So here we go. British Friend is very cute, loves beer (almost as much as me), and is the funniest person I've met in a long time. He thinks it's funny that I use the word "whore" perhaps 52 times a day and always is amazed that I can call my friends "whore" as a term of endearment and they don't seem to mind. Hmmmm...what else can I say about him...he also let me draw a semi-moronic picture onto his cell phone/blackberry/garage door opener/pocketknife/cookie cutter/cigarette holder/pez dispenser/fortune telling/all in one wireless device. It is truly amazing...you can take the little pen and draw pictures and even color them in...and it makes phone calls too!! Also, my title on his cell phone is "Queen of the World"...HELL YEAH!

So, my British Friend...sorry for not posting about you sooner...I've just been busy moving. I went to a pub the other night and there was a million kinds of English beers and I wanted to call and ask you which one I should have but I didn't have your number...so call me and tell me what kind of beer I should drink. I need guidance that only you can give!!

Financial Aid...The UPDATE

So, today I cancelled the portion of my summer loan which (unfortuitously) was going to be disbursed during the year, which, as I stated below, is not when I need it...and reapplied with the correct dates for the same amount. So, what I'm trying to tell you is that it's the same damn amount of money, only with different dates. The school says it's up to the bank whether they want to extend me the credit...IT'S THE SAME DAMN AMOUNT OF MONEY. The bank says the school could just change the disbursement dates...STILL THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY. None of them seem willing to help me out, especially the financial aid spokesatan, who basically told me (in a "polite" way) to go eff myself and get out of his hair. By the way...it's the SAME EFFING AMOUNT OF MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I called my parents last night in total hysterics convinced of impending doom and homelessness, and my father, between my sniffled and teary wishes for a Happy Father's Day, said they would send me money and they love me and I shouldn't worry about these things because this is a great opportunity for me and they're so proud that I'm doing well in school and that I got such a wonderful job at a place that is really right for me and I'm such a good daughter and I never have to worry because they'll always be there for me. It made me so happy to realize I come from such good people, I've always been pretty close to them, but this is sort of above and beyond, and I feel so much better just knowing that I won't have to live in a shopping cart or beg for Diet Coke money. Yay for my parents! They rock!

D.C. = Air Conditioning EVERYWHERE, Crowded Metro Trains, and HOT Boys!

Today was my first day as an intern. It was pretty OK. They made me sign a bunch of forms that said I wouldn't talk about anything I'm up to (names and case details and whatnot anyway), but I wasn't going to do that anyway, so I think I'm safe. On an interesting note, I have seen more hot guys in one day here than I saw in an entire year in Thinly Veiled Pacific Northwest Metropolis. Yay for eyecandy! Anyway, I have to run (or perhaps Metro) my way to the library to get some books before I turn into a lunatic...but I know you'll all be happy to know that my sheets and pillows arrived today so tonight I am going to sleep the peaceful and contented sleep of a woman who has Diet Coke, Air Conditioning, and an abundance of pillows (at least temporarily until I get kicked out due to the incompetence of Financial Aid -- see post below). More to come later on first day at work...but gotta get to the library before it closes.

Financial Aid...The Minions of Satan Strike Again

Dear Financial Aid Office,

I wanted to thank you for your recent advice to take out a private loan to cover my summer expenses while working in D.C. at my internship which is for school credit this summer. I did exactly that, and was thrilled when my loan was approved and you nice folks emailed me to tell me I would be getting my money last week.

Of course, my joy quickly turned to sadness when I had not received the money by Friday, and I accidentally bounced a check. Oops! But, I guess that happens in student life sometimes, so I didn't say anything and continued to look for that direct deposit...AS PROMISED BY YOUR OFFICE LAST TUESDAY.

So, you can imagine my disappointment when I learned that your office had completely fucked me over, and decided to disburse the private loan I got FOR SUMMER QUARTER over the course of the next four quarters. While I guess it does make sense, if you're say...a chimp, the fact that I have $6000 of unmet need this quarter and NONE FOR THE NEXT THREE EFFING QUARTERS should have potentially been a clue. I'm just saying. So, I'm sitting in my lovely apartment in Washington D.C., thinking about how nice it is (I mean, I have A/C and fast internet and...you know...A SHOWER...HELLO!!) and how bad it's gonna suck ass to live in a cardboard box on the street...and how I wouldn't have had 5 drinks last night, or a nice dinner, or dinner at all, if I had known...and I'm wondering how it feels to be the most satanic, summer-ruining, moronic, ass-monkeys on the entire planet?

Tell your leader (Mr. SATAN) that I am going to think of him while I'm changing my porch light to red and trying to find a stray dog I can use in my bid to spare change everyone on this block until I can buy my effing Diet Coke every day...I HAVE NEEDS YOU KNOW!!!!!

It's good for you that I am very far away. It's also good for you that the Museum of Natural History is free. Nobody stands between me and minerals and gems and other natural shit. NOBODY! So, thanks again for the memories...it's too bad I'll probably need shock-treatment after the level of hysteria that I've maintained for most of the afternoon. Perhaps we can add it to my student-budget! Wouldn't that be fun? You suck.

Yours in eternal hatred and bitterness,

Energy Spatula

I'm baaaaaack

OK...I FINALLY made it back to D.C. today. I ended up having to take the Amtrak, a lovely 4 hour ride ending at Union Station in D.C., which, thankfully, had Diet Coke. I bought four bottles and hightailed it home. The weather is beautiful here today so I can't even complain though...it's gorgeous!

Stomp last night was fabulous. It's an amazing show, very entertaining and MY GOD those dancers are in good shape. Jesus. Then we went dancing and boozing, so got back to my friend's house at 3am, just in time to get up and catch the train at 7am. I will tell you I am WAY too old for this crap.

And, on that happy note, I am exhausted and still have yet to crack the write-on packet open, so I think it's nap time for me right now. I will be back later with scintillating news stories and witty commentary on the day to day happenings of my (obviously) very hip life. Tomorrow is the first day of work (SCARY SCARY SCARY), so I'm sure there will be much to tell after that. I'm off to hydrate and try to cleanse my aura or find my spirit or whatever that crap is that Oprah's always trying to get us to do.

The eternal question: What is a stick?

This man asks...what is a stick? Well...apparently it "It must be wood. It cannot be more than 2 inches wide. It cannot be more than a quarter of an inch thick. It cannot be more than three quarters of an inch in diameter. It must be blunt on both ends." Do you think she thought he said popsicle stick? I mean, like say for instance I was going to beat the hell out of someone driving 40 m.p.h. on the freeway, clogging up traffic for miles around, with no apparent idea that they are the cause for the road rage of approximately 1.4M other people on the road...I would need a much bigger stick! The one described above just wouldn't do. Perhaps I will sue too...I'm going to need a much broader definition so I can "express" myself properly.

Traffic...the antidote to peace and love

OK...so yesterday I drove to D.C. to stick my suitcases in my summer apartment and do a few errands...it was supposed to be a "short" trip just to get semi-moved-in. The trip there was rather uneventful, I didn't get lost or wreck my friend's car...and I had five Jimmy Buffett CD's to listen to...AND plenty of Diet Coke. Life was good. Got to D.C. and the place where I'm supposed to be has NO parking at all. So, I pay $15 to park for like, an hour, under some building and head up to the office to get my key and whatnot. The apartment is nice...better than where I came from. The roommate had stuff around but no beer in the fridge (hmmmmmm...hope that's not an indication of anything), but it was clean and had a great view...happiness. All the great things you think about when you think "D.C." are right outside my door, so I'm excited about that because when we lived in Fairfax when I was a kid, my dad commuted to the Pentagon and we only got to go into the city on "special occasions." My dad in fact had taken me to watch a bill being passed into law one day...and all of the sudden everyone freaked out and we didn't know what was going but they shooed us out the door and we weren't allowed back in...when we got to the car and turned on the radio it turned out the Challenger had just exploded. After that it was strictly to The Smithsonian and back a couple times a year, and every once in a while we got to meet my dad for a soft pretzel at this place he loved under the Pentagon.

Anyway, the point of this story is that after I lugged my suitcases up to my place in the heat, dealt with the parking situation, etc...I needed to run back here since I was in my friend's car. And it was 2pm so I didn't think traffic would be that horrible, at least once I got outside the city. But then God decided to teach me a lesson about what happens when I think. 3 hours later I had barely gone 30 miles. I finally ended up getting off on some two-lane highway and ended up taking twice as long to get back because the speed limit was 45 most of the way. So, all in all I spent 9 hours yesterday driving...to go a round-trip total of about 300 miles. Yeah.

So, tonight we're off to see Stomp, and then tomorrow I go back to D.C. to do my write-on (hopefully) and figure out how all this Metro nonsense works...and also where I'm supposed to be Monday morning. I'm sure my first day of Metro riding and pantyhose will produce some sort of an amusing anecdote for my faithful reader. Tomorrow evening when I get back perhaps there will be a review of Stomp and the continuation of the horrible frustrating day story from yesterday (oh YES...there IS more!!).

Energy Spatula is Greek for ROAD RAGE

I just returned from the most heinous drive ever...I got to D.C. in two and a half hours, I got home from D.C. in just under 6. SIX EFFING HOURS to go 160 miles. That is frigging ridiculous. I am so totally road raged up right now I think I could kill someone with just my mind and the projection of my pent-up anger.

Tomorrow, when I have calmed down significantly, I will be back with the whole sordid tale including a description of my new digs...much nicer than my old ones and only a hop, skip, and a lie from Capitol Hill. Fabulous.

I love beer, and beer loves me

"Scientists continue to say that beer is full of goodness and can help fight disease." Need I say more? I think not.

Also, as has been recently pointed out to me via Slithery D, it is possible I have spoken too much lately of my love of beer...my google ads at the top of my page are all targeted to alcoholics and teenage drinkers (maybe I look younger to Google?). Oh well, I do love beer, but so far not in any self-destructive way, so Spaten, Chimay, Bitburger, Harp...you'll still be able to find them all at this site, guilt-inducing google ads be damned!

In the immortal words of Jimmy: Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?

I have to say, normally I think my life is probably more of an "R"...but there's something about post-exam hedonism that artificially inflates the rating, all that cussing and drinking and whatnot. Yeah...that's my story and I'm sticking to it, I'm a nice girl from a nice family. Really.


My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Link via Wayne at Inter Alia

Turbulence: The Motion Sick Picture

I made it to Virginia last night, and thanks to basically the entire Midwest, I got here shaken and not stirred. I swear the plane actually got here by rolling end over end...I don't believe that we ever took off or actually made it into the air. I did not read/look at/work on my law review write-on packet. It has to be done by Tuesday if I am going to compete so I can overnight it back to school...I feel like subconsciously I'm making a decision here, but maybe I'll get it together...who knows.

Here's a recap of the past couple days.

First, I have two gigantic suitcases that both weigh approximately 539 pounds each. Only one has wheels. As I attempted to haul these through the hotel and the airport, not one, not two, but THREE different creepy old men commented on the size of my suitcases and how strong I must be to carry them all by myself. Yeah thanks. Nothing makes me happier than for strangers to point out that I look like an ox in public. Also, please don't offer to help or hold a door open asshole, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

Second, during the layover in Las Vegas, I lost $20 on the slots in less that 5 minutes so I decided to just go stand in line and wait for the plane to board. Behind me was a man and a woman who pretty clearly had come to Vegas for a business trip of some sort, and while drunk had "related" to each other. She was hideous and he was a relatively attractive guy...he looked like every single guy I went to high school with in Florida (there's just a certain "look" that screams -- "I'm from a trailer park in South Florida")...but still pretty cute. They were exchanging last names and political affiliations and then she told him he looked like George Clooney...ummmmmm...no. But she goes on and on in this really annoying nasally voice for like 15 minutes about how hot he is and between every word she leans over to kiss him or touch him and he is clearly getting so freaked out...the wheels are turning to the tune of "Fatal Attraction." Then she tells him that people tell her she looks like Sigourney Weaver and that she saw Sigourney Weaver in New York once and they were about the same size and weight and had the same hair, so she believes it. At which point he busts out with "You look nothing like Sigourney Weaver...she's thin...and tall...and...attractive." This woman just leaned over and kissed him and let it go, but I actually laughed out loud. I think he's stuck with her forever.

Lastly, if you are the parent with a child who just randomly stands up, balls up his fists, and screams as loud as he can for as long as he can, and you laugh and think it's cute, even on an airplane...you suck. Not funny.

Alright, so tomorrow I drive into D.C. to check into my apartment and then there is a whirlwind of activity until Sunday when hopefully I get dropped off there relatively early so I can get settled in, figure out how to get to work, and potentially do this write-on thing...but that's still up in the air. Posting may be random and light, but I'm gonna try to put up at least one a day, we'll see how that works out.

P.S. It's so HOT here. I had forgotten (or blocked it out). When I left Thinly Veiled Pacific Northwest University it was in the 50's...we've been wearing jackets for the past few days...I hope I don't spontaneously combust this summer or die of a festering heat rash. And I'm pretty sure Texas was this hot, but one year away and I've turned into a total pansy.

Chow*

Yup...I'm off to the hotel to steal the towels and drink alone...just another productive day in the life of a 1.5L (I'm not sure I'm a 2L until I pass Property and that is an iffy proposition). No blogging for at least tomorrow as I will be flying to Virginia to stay with one of my Air Force buddies for a few days before I start work in D.C. on Monday (Work=Big Scary Knot in the Pit of My Stomach). We are going to see Stomp on Saturday night, and hopefully buying some work clothes since I'm pretty sure my collection of Chuck Taylors (35 pairs and counting) and a pair of pajama pants with cute potbellied, goateed devils on them aren't going to get me through the summer. She even has a real house and two dogs...it will be my reintroduction to life as a human. Where people take care of themselves. And go to work. And have LEISURE time. Weird.

I have yet to register for fall classes since the system today told me I don't have "permission" which I'm pretty sure is what I got by going through not one, but TWO, lotteries to end up in Basic Income Tax and Bankruptcy in the same quarter. It's a shame because I had SOOOOO been looking forward to registering for both of those...

So, back on Thursday probably...be good while I'm gone. Let the dog out more than once a day. Don't prank call that pizza place again...you know how your father hates that. And no boys in the house!

*Chow: Meaning goodbye in Italian if you're the total dumbass in my Torts class who considers yourself very cosmopolitan and yet are unafraid to use "Chow" to close out an email to an entire discussion group. Addveederzane.

Dumbass: The Human Torch

Finally one of these morons lives! I was beginning to think Team Natural Selection would never happen...and after we got a mascot and everything. Whew...this is a load off of my mind.