Monday, May 31, 2004

Please quit stealing the merchandise...

I still have the rental car from this weekend so the Roomie and I headed out to the grocery store for a rare bit of "Buy Whatever You Want Because You Have a Vehicle To Get It Home" mania. After stocking up on beer, Ben & Jerry's, and a pair of jeans I found on sale, I was ready to check out. Since I think I'm pretty smart, I decided to try out the automatic check-your-own-damn-self-out machine...BIG MISTAKE.

Machine: "Please press the 'Start Now' button to begin"
Me: "Oooohhh...I get to push pretty buttons"
Machine: "Please scan your item, rub it on the special yellow 'you-didn't-steal-this' pad, and place into your bag"
Me: "Uh...ok...scan, rub, place...gotcha"
Machine: "Please REMOVE your item and scan it BEFORE you place it in the bag"
Me: "I scanned it! I promise!"
Machine: "PLEASE REMOVE THE ITEM AND SCAN IT BEFORE PLACING IT IN YOUR BAG!!!"
Me: "I swear, it's already scanned...see...it's right there on your screen."
Machine: "LISTEN LADY, DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE POLICE"
Me: "Please Mr. Machine, just take it off the bill...I don't even want it anymore...all I care about is the beer and the ice cream"
Machine: "I don't care what you want you shoplifting hussy...you will never leave this store alive...NOW SCAN THE DAMN ITEM AND QUIT TRYING TO STEAL OUR MERCHANDISE!"
Me: "Why are you doing this to me...why??? I've been so good...I didn't laugh when I saw that lady fall down at the baseball game! I patiently explained to my mother how to read the back of the Blockbuster tape case so she could see when her tapes are due even though everyone else in America already knows it. I've done everything you ever wanted...I don't even have coupons...PLEASE...let me have the ice cream and the beer...for the LOVE OF GOD!"
Machine: "I am now calling over a manager who is going to cut out your lying tongue and then roast you on a spit over a fire fueled entirely by receipt tape"

Manager comes over..."Wow...you've really got this machine all messed up...did you try to take an item without scanning it?"
Me (now weeping): "NO!!!!!! It's listed right there on the receipt..."
Machine: "heh heh...sucker"
Manager: "Well, you must have done something...did you scan it twice? Did you? DID YOU?"
Me: "Well, yes! It kept telling me to remove my item and scan it again...I thought it was going to explode or kill me or something"
Manager: "Want to know something interesting?"
Me: "Are you effing kidding me?"
Manager: "When the machine talks in Spanish it's a man's voice...isn't that fascinating...HAVE A NICE DAY!"
Me: "OHMYGOD WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED????"

Then my head exploded.

Oh, the places I've been!

Join the military...see the world...or at least 78% of the United States (states I've been to in red...I've lived in 13 of them plus 2 other countries -- who knew I was well-traveled enough to make the map all red and pretty).



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide


Thanks to Stag for the link.

The Evil Dr. Bad Actor

David Hasselhoff wants to star as a James Bond villain in the next film...he'd also like to sing the theme song. Strangely he seems unaware that he can neither sing nor act.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Memorial Day...Shameless Patriotic Ramblings

I have to drive home tomorrow so probably no blogging until evening, if at all. But, it's Memorial Day...so, on a (rare) serious note...

Memorial Day is much more than a three-day weekend that marks the beginning of summer. To many people, especially the nation's thousands of combat veterans, this day, which has a history stretching back all the way to the Civil War, is an important reminder of those who died in the service of their country.

So...say thanks to a veteran...tell someone in the Armed Forces you appreciate what they do for this country regardless of how you feel about the President, remember the sacrifices that have been made not just in the past, but also just this year.

I will be saying thanks to my Dad, a Vietnam vet (twice!), a combat-rescue helicopter pilot, and a 30-year Air Force officer, as well as my grandfather, a WWII veteran who survived the attack on Pearl Harbor aboard the USS Maryland and served in the Navy for over 20 years. I am really, truly grateful for their service to this country, and I wish I remembered to say it more than twice a year, on Veteran's Day and on Memorial Day. I also need to say "thanks" to many of my friends and former colleagues who currently serve in the military (you know who you are!), some of whom are sitting in some pretty crappy places right now...definitely not enjoying a barbecue with their families or celebrating the beginning of summer with a long weekend. You guys rock!

Alright, those who know me know that I once I get started on a sappy, patriotic monologue you can't shut me up (Oh, who am I kidding? You can never shut me up!!)...so I will attempt to shut myself up and leave you with rather a somber quote...but fitting nonetheless.

"...gather around their sacred remains and garland the passionless mounds above them with choicest flowers of springtime....let us in this solemn presence renew our pledges to aid and assist those whom they have left among us as sacred charges upon the Nation's gratitude,--the soldier's and sailor's widow and orphan." --General John Logan, General Order No. 11, 5 May 1868

Thanks!

I owe a couple of people a big hearty Thank You! So, thanks to Denise at Bag and Baggage for the kind words and the link, they are much appreciated! Additionally, thanks to Steven at Half-Cocked for the well-wishes as I head into exam week here shortly. Also much appreciated!

Mini-road-trip!

Today I had the most interesting day! The case that we were assigned for our appellate brief and Moot Court is a First Amendment billboard case that just happens to involve a person who lives basically right down the street from my parents. It's actually about a 20-minute drive but since our case is over now, I decided to drive by and take a picture of the property and the little town to send to my small group so they could see what we had spent the last 3 months of our lives on. So, I took Molly the Satanic Dog and we headed out on the open road.

When we got to this guy's property I noticed that he runs a business from his home, and even though I hadn't intended to stop or anything, I decided to go ahead and do just that. When we pulled into the driveway he came out of his garage and I asked him if he was who I thought he was and he invited me to get out of the car and meet his wife and see his property, so I did. He was quite a character and told me he had just gotten home from "Camp Uncle Sam" yesterday for something to do with the IRS. But, he told me a little about the case that we had done for Moot Court and took me on an extensive tour of his 200 acre property and we chatted about who we knew in common...nice to have your parents retire in a small town sometimes!

It was pretty interesting to see the property and the man behind the case and listen to him talk about it a little bit. He seemed surprised that it was a big enough deal for an entire law school class to use it as a basis for their yearly mock trial. He did tell me though that I looked too nice to be a lawyer...that he thought I looked like someone he could be friends with, so my entire trip was worth it if for no other reason than to hear I don't look like a laywer :)

Now we're off to a family viewing of Troy. My dad is going solely for the opportunity to eat popcorn and drink an extra huge Diet Coke and my mom and I are hoping for AT LEAST a partially naked Brad Pitt. Then it's back to the outlining coal mine for the foreseeable future...at least I'll be taking my Brad Pitt memories in with me! Happy day!

Saturday, May 29, 2004

17 things to do with a dead cicada...

As a companion piece to this and this, here is an article about all the things you can do with a cicada carcass. Notice the innocent little child wearing a necklace of dead cicada exoskeletons. Awww...so cute.

Didn't she get the memo?

"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to take down your flag. Well...I don't care that you're a WWII veteran. Sir, I don't care that you're 89 years old and want to honor the people who died in 9/11. Oh...you say your son-in-law is Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas...."

Seeing Things

Today I drove with my mom to the nearest "big" city (by which I mean..."with a Target") to go to the mall. On the way home we saw an SUV driving through the middle of town with a giant inflatable penis sticking out the sunroof and blow-up dolls sticking out of each of the rear passenger windows. Weird.

Toasted, big-bottomed, cemetary ants...

Normally when I think of the U.K. I don't think of their brilliant culinary achievements...and now I remember why.

Someone's in the doghouse...and it's not Molly.

My mom made a cake yesterday and it got a little...dark...in the oven. This morning my dad told her it's the only cake he's ever seen with knots...then asked if he could use it in his shop to shore up a desk he's making. Hilarity ensued.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Carry-Out or Delivery?

First Ikea and now this....

The company delivering the goods has this to say:

"We need to change attitudes to condoms," he said. "If we need to get out in to the bedrooms to make things better we will do it."


Kind of makes you wonder what else they're delivering...but hey, any country that can come up with a lamp this awesome AND deliver condoms right to your door in the middle of the night can't be wrong!

From Vo-Tech to the Rams to the Bank to Jail

Nothing says "I Love You" like becoming a convicted felon.

Machine Guns and coke...all in all a good day!

My mom and I were walking around Fred Meyer's today (like Kohl's for you East Coast types) and she yells across about five aisles "Hey don't let me forget to go by Safeway...I need a bag of coke!" Um...please tell me you meant BOX of Coke? The best part was that it took her a full minute to figure out why I was laughing and then she turns bright red and says to everyone in the aisle "Well, I didn't mean cocaine..." Oh good, that clears it right up for the eight people standing here who have no idea what you're talking about because the people that heard you are long gone. Geez.

Also, the small town my parents live in is having their annual small town festival thing this weekend for Memorial Day and the headlining event is advertised on a huge banner as you drive into town..."FULLY AUTOMATIC MACHINE GUN FUN SHOOT." Nothing says "Welcome to our beautiful country oasis" like the fact that apparently there are enough residents here with fully automatic machine guns for it to be the theme of the annual town get-together.

Progress Update

Property outlining is going well...although I'm not sure I can pass the exam with just one chapter outlined REALLY well...so that could be a problem. On the upside, I discovered that my parent's computer keyboard has an "f" key that doesn't work too well...so when I went back through what I had done so far I realized that sometimes, without the "f", a burden of production actually "shits"...which is kind of funny in and of itself.

In other news...Molly the Satanic Dog is at it again as well...yesterday my mom took her to the Alzheimer's and Memory Center so that Molly can do her "therapy dog" thing and try to cheer up the old folks. Well...it was cookie day where the people there make cookies and then they have a little social hour or whatever. So this little frail old lady has her cookies in a bag tied to the front of her walker and Molly mows her down, eats the cookies, then gets under the coffee table where someone has left a styrofoam cup and gets it stuck over her muzzle and goes nuts...running around the room all hopped up on cookies and swinging her new styrofoam nose cup around. My mom was so mortified.... I guess the Alzheimer's center still wants them to come visit, just maybe not on cookie day anymore.

Duct tape fixes EVERYTHING!!

Judge orders man's mouth taped shut because he keeps saying "I didn't do it." My ex-husband used to drive me crazy with this same line...like the judge, I was pretty sure he did, in fact, do it...or more to the point...her. Unlike the judge I have enough common sense not to inflict public punishment that could give rise to an appeal :)

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Satin and Gloss make it to Round Two, Matte unfortunately voted off....

Here's a new reality show...it's called "Watching Paint Dry" and that's all it is, nonstop footage of drying paint. While that is actually less annoying than "The Bachelor," if it doesn't prove to be boring enough I volunteer to sit for twenty-four hours a day reading casebooks...oh wait....

Solo naked dancing...criminal style

"Hey ladies...I'm pledging this fraternity at another college only I have to do this one thing and I was hoping you could help me out. What is it? Well...here's the thing...could you just hold my trench coat?"

Nothing comes between this woman and her watermelon candies...not even the cops!

Woman grabs cop's testicles and is charged with assault...he says it was over blue and silver gummy worms, she says it was over watermelon candy. I think what's important here isn't that both the cop and the woman sustained injuries in the brawl...it's that, in my opinion, it is very unlikely that there is actually such a thing as a silver gummy worm. I mean really.

I'm here...but I'm not obsessed...seriously

Thanks to my roomie for sending me this link about people who become addicted to blogging. I want to state for the record that just because this is the first thing I did when I got here does not mean I'm addicted. Really. Anyway, I'm at least LESS addicted to this than I am to X-box, so I have to go now...Tiger Woods Golf is calling...

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Home...

I am going home tomorrow morning, so expect light posting (maybe...depends how bored I am and how bad I want to distract myself from outlining) through Memorial Day. You might be asking yourself..."Don't her exams start a week from Monday?" Yes. Yes they do. I have decided that I need to get away though ...more than I need to spend another weekend sitting in the library being a veritble human sponge for all the stress and anxiety going on. Besides, my dad got home from his business trip early so I think a family TigerWoods Golf X-box deathmatch is in order.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. It's really beautiful there and there's tons to do...but I have to get my Property outline plus one last CrimLaw paper done. I'm pretending right now that ConLaw doesn't exist...denial is currently my best friend. Plus my dad has decided that I should pack up as much of my stuff as possible and bring it home, so I'm actually trying to comply because I'm hoping it will keep him out of my hair once school is done. He seems to think he and my mom will be on my doorstep directly after my last exam to move the rest of my stuff into storage for the summer. Uh, no. How do you explain to your very conservative, non-drinking parents that they need to give you a couple days to get drunk out of your mind in "celebration" of the end of 1L...the kind of celebration that will probably give me a three day hangover...but whatever.

Public Humiliation

Despite the fact that I kept my pseudo-Tourette's under control, the competition tonight was embarrassingly bad. It is made worse by the fact that everyone on the judge's panel was undyingly cool...you know, popular, well-spoken, good hair...those people. I did pretty good through the part where I introduce myself...say, the first 10-15 words or so. Then it went downhill.

Judge: "So, why does the court think blah blah blah"
Me: "Uh....um....uh...." (face turns bright red...thank god for Irish grandparents)
Judge: ...staring me down...
Me: ...stutter...sweat...turn redder...stare at notes...stare at floor...think about vomiting...think about running out and never coming back to school ever again...try to decide if there is any graceful way for me to recover...nope, no way....

This goes on for at least a full minute before I make up some kind of bullshit answer and the judge mercifully lets me move on to my next point. I HAVE A PLAN HERE PEOPLE...DO NOT SCREW WITH THE PLAN! Don't they know I have a "roadmap" for god's sake? It's not like I started out my argument with "May it please the court, I have come here to be publicly humiliated because I am too stupid to remember the answer to a question upon which my entire case hinges."

So, afterwards they asked me some questions and I told them that I hadn't participated in Moot Court and they were like "Oh my god, we asked you such hard questions...we thought you had done Moot Court." NOPE!!!! I am pretty sure I screwed myself out of this by not being prepared enough, or not practicing enough...and I would really LOVE to do it, the topic for their competition next year is something I am so interested in and the people on it seem really cool and nice, which are qualities I have yet to find in many of my fellow students. Oh well, guess next time I will know what it means to be prepared...I just didn't understand how hard it would be to keep myself together with people throwing out a lot of questions I couldn't answer (or could only answer poorly given my clear inability to complete a sentence without showing the world what a dumbass I am).

Moral of this story: Ime not sew smartt.

Moot Court...The Sequel (kind of)

There is another, smaller, specialized Moot Court competition tonight and I am going to be participating in it in an attempt to get some experience since I had to miss regular Moot Court a couple of weeks ago. It's sort of hard after putting the problem and the brief out of my mind to delve back in and try to come up with arguments and answers for potential questions, especially when I never got the questions in the first place. But, a friend helped by quizzing me this afternoon, and even though I am (unexpectedly) nervous, I'm hoping to get some good feedback from the judges and some experience. I feel like with public speaking there is no such thing as forcing yourself to do it too much. Anyway, I'm off to finish reading the material, get all dressed up in a stuffy suit, and hopefully not embarrass myself to the point where I have to drop out of school in shame.

Crayola says to child "You win...wait...no, you lose"

This story has a certain Onion-esque feel to it...

Here's a tantalizing excerpt:

"I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This just couldn't be. This is a child's life," the mother said in a phone interview Tuesday. "You just shattered her life."

Justina and her 3-year-old sister, Jacinda, set up a gallery of their own in their parents' basement. Justina made a sign, saying, "Our Art is Terrific," her mom said.

Laura Hecker recalled her husband, David, breaking the news to Justina, as she sat in an oversized recliner in their home.

"It just about makes me bawl now, thinking about it," she said, adding that her daughter is cynical about entering other drawing competitions.

"Now she's got the attitude that it's all just a lie."


Apparently if you are 9-years-old and you lose a coloring contest there is no reason to go on...just give up because your life will never be worth the paper it's colored on. I smell a lawsuit.

But, Crayola is at least doing one thing right:


Richard "Catty" Simmons v Gigantic Tough Guy Ultimate Cage Fighter

A man described as a "6-foot 2-inch, 250-pound ultimate cage fighter" has dropped charges against Richard Simmons for slapping him in an airport after the cage fighter apparently made a sarcastic comment about "Sweatin' to the Oldies."

I can't help but think that by this time in his life Richard Simmons should be used to people making fun of him, his clothes, his exercise videos...whatever. Candy-striped short shorts with matching headband and scrunch socks is not the uniform of a man who wants to be taken seriously by the general public, let alone an ultimate cage fighter. Puh-leaze.

Oklahoma: We lose more bales of hay before 9am than other states lose all day!

The following two emails have come to me in the last two days from my best friend...

Yesterday morning: Today there was a bale of hay on the interstate. I almost wrecked my surry with a fringe on top trying to go around it.

This morning: It is still on the interstate. However, it seems to have been RUN OVER numerous times. Go Sooners.


The person who dropped the bale of hay was probably hurrying to Wal-Mart...maybe they were rolling back prices on Looney Tunes t-shirts.

UPDATE: In response to Soup's question...here is a pic of a surry (happily it also has a fringe on top).

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

That's right, you're not from Texas...but Texas wants you anyway.

Come to Texas. Speed. Get prizes.

Operational Information Warfare meets ConLaw

This may be the first and last time I talk about anything so directly related to school as this...but it was interesting (at least to me) and it's my blog...so there :) Any inaccuracies in my representation of ConLaw are my own fault (and the fault of the public education system which has clearly failed me so horribly)...

Had an interesting conversation with Prof. ConLaw today after class. We’ve been talking about whether/when it’s OK for the President to take the country to war without an express declaration by Congress. His opinion is that the Supreme Court will likely never rule on this because it is a political issue rather than a legal issue. But, we got to talking about what constitutes war. Prof. ConLaw said that he would go back to the old historical definition…basically that it’s not war unless there are people being physically injured and bullets are flying…what most of us would think of when we hear the word “war.” I told him that I would extend war to include information operations, and electronic warfare. (I am admittedly biased having spent the majority of my military time working primarily with personnel issues in the field of operational information warfare). Information warfare is commonly defined as “any action to deny, exploit, corrupt, or destroy the enemy's information and its functions; protecting ourselves against those actions; and exploiting our own military information functions.”

My point to Prof. ConLaw was that the defense and intelligence communities continually seek new means to engage in “warfare” in (a) ways that decrease risk to lives of military personnel and non-combatants, and (b) ways that are directly targeted to “exploiting, corrupting and destroying” the resources of the enemy. Whether the President has the singular authority to send this country to “war” as defined by Prof. ConLaw is iffy at best, I think most in my class would answer emphatically “No.” But, if the line is to be drawn with physical engagement of the enemy or bullets crossing over enemy lines, than where does that leave what I would argue is one of the most important weapons systems in use today (and one which I think will grow exponentially in importance in coming decades), operational information warfare? The danger in determining the President’s powers based on a traditional definition of warfare, is that warfare is going to be redefined at some point in our future history, at least in certain circumstances. I'm a little shocked that Prof. ConLaw would be willing to leave that territory open for interpretation when clearly he thinks the fact that a President can just march this country into war without tacit approval by Congress is a travesty. Anyway, this isn't really my usual thing on this blog, but I always feel happy when law school and Before collide.

Move over Honda Civic!

Thief 1: "Hey, let's go steal a car."
T2: "Alright...I've been looking for a new ride anyway"
T1: "What should we take? I want something hot, something fast, something that will make the chicks crazy..."
T2: "How about a 1995 Saturn SL1?"
T1: "Perfect!! It has 88 horse-power, dent-resistant panels, and if you turn the stereo all the way up to 11 you can almost hear it outside the car for 7.3 seconds before all 4 of the speakers blow completely out. And just think, the SL1 even comes with a luxurious passenger side mirror unlike the crappy plain SL...SWEET!"

15 is the luckiest number....

This woman just had her 15th child. The family is from Arkansas, the children are homeschooled, she got married when she was 17, and all the kids have "J" names...including Jedidiah, Jessa, Jinger, and John David. I bet you a million dollars they'll be doing a Wal-Mart commercial before the year is out. "When you have 15 little "J" named kids running around you need a lot of food...and beer...and aspirin. Wal-Mart offers the lowest prices always. Always." (Fade out with her weeping in the diaper aisle).

Monday, May 24, 2004

Courtship...

This article, link via Begging the Question, has a fairly in-depth analysis on the trend of internet dating, and what the author considers the two factors most responsible for the death of courtship, “the demand for total transparency and a bias toward the over-sharing of personal information,” which “encourage the erosion of the boundaries that are necessary for the growth of successful relationships.” She points out that with all the information available electronically and the advent of Internet dating, there are fewer opportunities to get to know someone slowly, to find out about their life through shared social connections, even to find mutual attraction with someone you share a word with at the coffee shop or whose eyes you meet on the subway.

It’s interesting to me because I feel like, while there’s no denying that using only email and carefully cropped photos, almost anyone could probably find a “connection” on an Internet dating site, there seems to be no substitute for that nebulous little thing called “chemistry.” As the article points out “There is a danger in relying wholly or even largely on science and technology to answer these questions, for it risks eroding our appreciation of the ineffable things—intuition and physical attraction, passion and sensibility—by reducing these feelings to scientifically explained physiological facts.” There is no feeling like just seeing a person that normally you wouldn’t think twice about and realizing that all of the sudden you want to hear them laugh or you feel your stomach give just the tiniest flutter. I think that it seems like more of a challenge to win someone over in person by being funny and smart than by sending carefully crafted and edited emails meant to convey a “more” and “better” version of yourself than you will ever be able to live up to in a real-life relationship. Aren’t the imperfections what make people kind of interesting?

Anyway, I liked the article…I’m not sure I believe (or want to believe) that “courtship,” even in a modified sense, is dead. But I agree that the face of dating is changing in a way that probably would have seemed like something from the Jetson’s when I was a kid, and now seems to be on the verge of widespread acceptance. Of course, maybe all of this is why I'm 29, single, and seeking a full-time Cabana Boy.

Yeah, but can it open a beer bottle with its teeth?

This student taught a robot to fold origami...this makes me sad because not only can I not make my blog template work right, assuredly not as difficult as programming a robot...or say, making a cup of coffee...but I can't even teach myself to fold origami.

Out with the new...in with the old.

I had to change the template...AGAIN. Back to the old one, the new one was (I think) what was causing the page to take forever to load. Seeing as how my knowledge of HTML could pretty much fit on the head of a pin, and that's if I write BIG, I just decided to go back to what I already knew worked. Anyway, if anyone has switched to any of the new Blogger templates and wants to tell me, in nice simple small words, how to get the links and stuff to go at the TOP of the side column instead of the bottom, I would be very interested in knowing that.

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to make me a chicken pot pie...

Jesse B. Muckenfuss...he's pretty good with a hockey stick...but not so smart.

Germany Revisited

This orchestra in Germany carves their "instruments" out of vegetables and then, at the end of the concert, they make vegetable soup.

I was in Germany a couple of summers ago for work, but due to the fact that I spent the entire time at the pub across the street from my hotel I was unable to catch the vegetable orchestra. However, I did drink enough beer that at one point I thought I saw Santa Claus, and I got all excited and said to everyone I was with "OHMYGOD, there's Santa Claus!!!" And one of my fellow travelers goes "THAT is an ice cream cone painted on the window of the shop across the street." Oh. Yeah. I knew that. And also, it's not my fault they put the dart board right next to the door to the men's restroom. It's an alcohol establishment...these things happen.

UPDATE: The orchestra was PLAYING in Germany, it's not permanently located in Germany. I'm a dummy.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

I spent the day writing a paper (with my lovely and patient co-pseudo-counsel) on the Battered Woman Defense. All I can say is that at this point, like Martin Seligman's dogs, I have adapted to my punishment and no longer even try to escape. Resistance is futile. I took to learned helplessness like a squirrel takes to bubonic fleas. I'm a natural...what can I say?

Busy Today...

Very busy today...I wanted to put up a nice picture for everyone to look at but it was taking forever to load and then I accidentally deleted it...oops, but I might still figure it out...who knows. I will be back in action after I solve all the problems associated with the "Battered Woman's Defense" and figure out how I'm going to learn two quarters worth of property in just under two weeks...it's gonna be a long day!

UPDATE: The picture had to come down...I'm trying to cut down on problems the site seems to be having loading....
UPDATE2: When I deleted the last post I deleted the comments too, and I think there was at least one...I apologize for the fact that I am a technology moron.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Send in the [hairy pornographic] clowns!!

This jewel of a personal ad comes from our local "alternative" newspaper...it strikes a lovely balance between funny and absolutely the creepiest thing I have ever heard.

SEND IN THE CLOWNS!!

24 year old very good looking gay male seeks very good looking male, under 40, well hung to appear as clown for private fantasy. Hairy a plus. Open to being filmed a MAJOR plus.

Where to start with what's wrong with this?

Hairy...um ok, but maybe not something I'm looking for in a porno clown.
Clown...no, never, not under any circumstances...ever...seriously.
Filming...yeah, also a no...two words -- plausible deniability.
Filming a creepy pornographic hairy clown...uh...well, maybe when I'm done filming this pornographic anorexic albino mime...first things first.

Studying

Hell yeah I've been studying all afternoon...if by "studying" you mean "getting drunk off my ass."

Rambling about rocks...

Last night my roommate and I discovered that as kids we were both obsessed with rock collecting. Rarely do you meet someone else whose idea of an extraordinary birthday present is a rock-tumbler and a year's supply of polishing grit. Hard to believe, I know. I really was obsessed though. My parents would take me to the gem and mineral supply store and I would use my allowance to buy huge bags of rough rocks ready to put in the tumbler...usually agates of one sort or another. Never did I spend my allowance on magazines or lipgloss, always on big bags of rocks. When I couldn't afford the preselected bags of agates, that was OK, because I ALWAYS had pockets full of rocks that I picked up everywhere we went. No family walk was complete without me asking my dad every two seconds..."what's this one?" Usually his answer was "ES, that's asphalt, for god's sake."

Once the rocks were smooth and shiny I would either make "jewelry" out of them, or keep them in my "collection." For jewelry, my mom would take me to the local craft store where I would buy cheap settings for beaded jewelry and then I would use my dad's epoxy from his model airplanes and cars to cement the carefully selected piece of agate into the setting. I know all of our neighbors thought I was completely disturbed. Most days I wore my own creations and I always looked like the latchkey kid of a caveman with a huge rock hanging from a chain around my neck.

When the rocks went into the collection, they were carefully sorted by size and color and put into a huge 60 drawer metal hardware organizer my dad had taken all of his nails and screws out of at the behest of my mom so I would have a place to store all my rocks and she would quit ruining vacuum cleaners vacuuming them up. This hardware box must have weighed 50 pounds loaded down with rocks and I carried it everywhere. It went in the car to family dinners. It went to show and tell at school. It went to friend's houses to play. I was the only 10 year old on my block dragging a metal chest, complete with sparks along the sidewalk, to a slumber party. Everyone else just brought their Rainbow Brite dolls and left it at that. We moved 16 or 17 times while I was growing up due to my dad's job, and the one thing that I obsessed over was my rock collection. My grandparents had a friend that owned a gem shop who would send me interesting things once in awhile and I was convinced that my collection would be worth millions some day. I chided the movers to be careful with my fabulous collection the same way my mom did about her prized electric organ.

I still have most of the rocks in storage somewhere, the metal organizer is long gone by now. And I still love rocks, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History is probably one of my top 5 favorite places on earth. I even majored in Geology in college for a whole year before I realized that my math-phobia would not work in that field and switched, like millions of other disillusioned college freshmen, to psychology. And I'm convinced that all of this is what led to my obsession with all things sparkly...I can spend hours in jewelry stores just looking around. When I can't sleep I often tune into that show that comes on in the wee hours of the morning where the loose gemstones are on the lazy-susan and they just turn and turn and sparkle...I'm always back to sleep in less than an hour.

And this summer, on the infamous road trip, my best friend and I went to Agate Beach in northern California. Instead of sand the entire beach is made up of beautiful agates that come in with the tide and are polished by the ocean. It's amazing and I defy anyone to stand there and not be in total awe. My family is from northern California so I've spent my fair share of time exploring redwood forests and hiking to the top of Trinidad Rock, and I thought I had seen it all, but Agate Beach was like my entire childhood love of rocks translated into a place. Amazing.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Changes...

I just couldn't help it...I HAD to distract myself from getting work done on my Battered Woman's Syndrome paper, and changing the template seemed like a good three hour project...let me know if stuff isn't working, but so far it seems OK...except for the housekeeping things I need to do just to get it looking all spic-n-span. Yay for me! Technophobe no more!

UPDATE: I noticed some of the links had mysteriously gone missing and put them back up...I hope that I got them all, but my memory has been destroyed by the damn Diet Coke addiction, so if you notice your link is gone please leave a comment or shoot me an email and I'll put it back up!

More Tales from the Library

I saw a guy go into the library bathroom carrying his own roll of toilet paper. This seems curious to me. It was sticking out of his pocket and was probably about two-thirds of the way gone. I've never been in the men's restroom, but the women's restroom comes fully equipped with toilet paper. It's not locked down and you don't have to pay per square or anything, so it's perplexing to me that a person would feel a burning need (no pun intended) to BYOTP. Strange.

Kids nowadays...

A senior softball league found a LIT pipe bomb in their outfield, picked it up, and carried it to home plate...then miraculously called the police before they all blew themselves to smithereens. I can totally see it..

Bob: "Hey Harold, what is this thing? Looks like a piece of pipe...only with a weird ropey thing coming out the end attached to a lit cigarette..."

Harold: "Well Bob, bring it on over here to home plate and we'll just have a look...I was in the Army for three years back in World War One...discharged though...bad knees."

Bob: "Harold, you were stationed in New Jersey. Mildred...go find Harold's glasses, we're gonna get to the bottom of this...these stupid kids around here, always leaving their lit pipe bombs for other people to take care of. It's that damn heavy metal music. And the internet."

As an aside...the article states: "This is the second pipe bomb found in the area, the first was found a few months ago. Detectives are not ruling out a connection." Gee. You think?

Learning New Things Every Day!

Sitting in ConLaw...not really paying attention...Professor going on and on and on about the Constitution (go figure), when I hear the following exchange:

Prof: "Who can tell us why this is an important constitutional element?"
Class: ...bewilderment...
Prof: "Let's just ask John Doe over here" (points to one of the students in our class who is, as far as I know, a very nice middle-aged gentleman from somewhere in Africa)
John Doe: ...gives very eloquent and coherent answer...
Prof: "Now, does everyone in the class know that John was one of the principal drafters of the constitution of [insert small African country here]"
Class: ...stunned silence...

I am CONSTANTLY amazed at the caliber of some of the students here. I mean, we have several PhD's, a neurologist, former professors from other prestigious universities...etc. But, every once in awhile I am truly astounded. In the last week I found out about John Doe above, and I also discovered we have a bonafide, real-live, honest-to-god, American military hero...I mean WAY above and beyond the call of duty. I doubt very seriously that either one of these people would want their personal details splashed about my blog, but suffice it to say, I'm in awe!

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Pink and Sparkly...and kind of lame actually.

Thanks to Dylan at Slithery D for the link...while happily I turned out to be a pink and sparkly toy, apparently a Care Bear could kick my ass. Well, whatever...all I'm saying is don't let the pink sparkly exterior fool you! Also...um...sweet and innocent and happy...yeah. Maybe not so much.


You're My Little Pony!! Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks. Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

UPDATE: I had to take the picture down...it wasn't loading correctly.

No really...only TWO!!

Like EVERY other person EVER pulled over for drunk driving...this guy only had TWO beers...he SWEARS!

Crow v Seagull (2004)

I just saw a crow and a seagull have a fight, IN THE AIR, over a pizza crust. It was so cool! Even better than the time I saw a hawk fly off with a squirrel from my backyard, but that furry little birdseed gobbler had it coming. And, as long as we're on the topic, why does the furry tail make a squirrel more appealing than a rat? We went to the Grand Canyon this summer and there were signs ALL over the place warning about the squirrels...apparently they have fleas the carry bubonic plague or something. The signs are white and show an evil looking squirrel who looks like he's going to jump out and latch on to your carotid artery and then a big red circle and line thingie over the squirrel. I wonder what people who come to this country and visit the Grand Canyon tell the folks back home? "I went to America and they have evil, diseased, attack squirrels EVERYWHERE!!"

And just in case anyone besides me is even remotely interested...the crow won. Go Crows!

UPDATE: I just had to look it up...so here, from the website of the Grand Canyon itself (at least one that looks fairly legit), is the final word on Attack of the Evil Diseased Killer Squirrels 2004:

"The South Rim’s rock squirrels are accomplished beggars! Look for them around the snack bar. They’ll do almost anything to get your attention. On our last trip, a squirrel stood a rock wall and extended his arms towards Tony as if he were his long, lost father. Tony resisted the temptation to reward him. And, cute as they are, they also bite and carry bubonic plague and rabies which affect people throughout the Southwest every year."

Your Body Is a Wonderland...and your dad is gonna kill me....

Bobby: "So, I was wondering if you want to go to my Senior Prom?"
Susie: "Oh neat Bobby, I'd love to go!"
Bobby: "Wow, that's so neat Susie, I'm sure we're going to have a great time!"
Susie: "What's the theme?"
Bobby: "Your Body Is a Wonderland"
Susie: "Neat! That totally renews my faith in high school! Let's go be amazing people!"

Little Stevie wants a booth...NOW!

Conversation heard at the restaurant last night...

Waiter: "Will this table be OK for you?"
Mom (to 3 or 4 year old child): "Stevie, do you like this table?"
Stevie: "I wanna sit in a booth!!!" (face screws up pre-tantrum style)
Mom to Waiter: "We're gonna need a booth, Stevie likes to sit in a booth"
Waiter: ...incredulous silence...
Mom: "Maybe we could have that booth over there, the one that seats 14 people...even though it's clearly busy here tonight and it's also clearly far too big a table for three people"
Waiter: "Uhhhh...let me see if there's anyone waiting for that table"
Waiter comes back (looking homicidal) and seats Mom, Dad and Stevie at a table large enough for my entire small section: "Is this OK?"
Mom: "Stevie?"
Stevie: "I want to color"
Mom to Waiter: "Do you have crayons...?"
Waiter picks up Stevie and breaks him in half over his knee.

Seriously, not only did my parents never ask if the table at a restaurant was to my liking, they didn't ask me if the college I was told I WOULD go to was to my liking. I cannot imagine a reality in which my father would not only have solicited my opinion on something like this, but would have given a poor waiter heartburn to make it happen. In my family the conversation would never even have happened...my dad's favorite saying growing up was that it was a benevolent dictatorship but it could get ugly at any moment. I HATE to see another entitled little brat being created right before my eyes*...I just want to pull the parents aside and be like "everyone who ever meets Stevie is going to think he is a pretentious little asshole" but I know that either (a) they already know that and have decided to parent him this way anyway, (b) they don't know but would probably do the same thing even if they did, or (c) they don't care and think he's cute.

Anyway, kind of an interesting exchange that prompted a dinner-long conversation between my roommate and I on how our parents wouldn't have taken that crap for two seconds.

*I caveat all of this by admitting that I have no children of my own and can only fall back on my recurring mantra..."no one is the boss of me, no one is the boss of me," which definitely includes children, even those that might spring from my own loins.

Top 10 Germy foods...

Top 10 Foods that will make you sick (according to this article):

10. Scallions
9. Cold cuts
8. Pre-packaged salads
7. Peaches
6. Canteloupe
5. Eggs
4. Oysters
3. Ground turkey
2. Ground beef
1. Chicken

Thankfully, Diet Coke, Caramel Hershey's Kisses, Animal Crackers, and Absolut aren't on the list...so I should be safe.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Oh hell Jim, I haven't had a working weapon since Korea...

Just like in the movie, there will be NO working weapon by Mid-May...if you haven't seen Real Genius, please go...right now...that's it...run to the video superstore of your choice, rent it, and see what happens when a bunch of really smart nerds (and a very young and very hot Val Kilmer) defeat The Man. Oh yeah!

Solo Argument After Action Report

So, the solo appellate argument went really well, much more smoothly than I had ever hoped for. I really want to post a big long "thing" about it, but in the interest of what would happen should any of these people ever read this, I think I will err on the side of caution. Suffice it to say that I was the only person who showed up in a suit, which in normal life would make me a huge blowhard, but in law school is kind of desirable I think. And the professor told me I was a "natural" which was kind of cool. It's fun to find out that maybe I was right when I thought I might be able to be good at just this one thing in law school...and it's a bright spot in my year to think that I might come out of this whole law school experience a semi-competent professional!

Overall, I'm SOOOOO glad this class is now officially over, and I think just to prove how excited I am I'm going to go get a few drinkie-poo's. Nothing says "I will never have to go through Basic Legal Skills again" like a red apple martini...nothing!

The only other big news today is that we got our preliminary schedules today and I got into the Evidence class I wanted (not graded on a curve) and into a special seminar on "Law and Terrorism" which is right up my alley (legal interest-wise that is). All in all, a really good day :)

Cops: St. Joseph County Municipal Short Term, Low Threat Detention Center

A note to all visitors of inmates at the St. Joseph County Jail...your underwear must remain invisible. The fact that this isn't obvious is a little scary...what's next though, a Wal-Mart ban on spandex leggings and XXL Tweety Bird T-shirts? Who will be left to go on What Not to Wear? How will I spend my Friday nights? Noooooooo.......

Nerves of steel...

I am off to the library to prepare for my solo appellate argument today. I plan on spending the majority of my energy keeping my psuedo-Tourette's under control, and what's left over I think I will spend praying that there isn't a microphone and trying not to laugh nervously every time someone says a word that could, even under the remotest possibility, be dirty. I'm like a 5 year-old in a suit. Oh yeah, good times.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Yukon, OK...home of the kid who was almost named Isiah

My best friend is stationed in Oklahoma. We've been best friends since the beginning of our senior year of high school and she joined the AF a couple of years after I did only to wind up stationed in the place she is least equipped to handle. Oklahoma has many lovely people but also has tornados, five Wal-Marts per capita, and an intense love of Garth Brooks that is nothing short of unnatural. She called me tonight to relay the following tidbit overheard while she was looking for a lunch box at, where else...Wal Mart.

A teenage looking girl with 2 small children is talking to the cashier about the trials and tribulations of motherhood. The cashier asks what the names of the children are. The girl says "This one here is Daniel. This other one here was gonna be called Isiah but when I got into labor it hurt so bad that I forgot and named him somethin else."

No word yet on (a) the child's name, or (b) why, after the child was born, she didn't perhaps take a moment to REMEMBER HIS NAME before she put just any old thing on the birth certificate. Oh god, the joys of shopping at a Wal-Mart in Oklahoma.

In other news...my friend at lunch today was cleaning off the table (and making kind of a mess) when he dropped some guacamole on his pants, looked up, and declared..."WHY do I always end up with goo on my thigh?" The best part about this, besides the fact that I will tease him mercilessly for the rest of his life, is that a professor was standing in line right behind us and heard the whole thing...and I think I saw him snicker. This might be one of those "you had to be there" moments, but I hope not, because it was absolutely hilarious.

LSAT Advice (from MSN, not me)

There is an article today on MSN about taking the LSAT and advantages/disadvantages of each of the different administration dates.

I personally took the December test. There is an Air Force program where they choose about 7 or 8 people a year to go to law school on the AF's dime, and I decided at the very last minute to apply for it, meaning it was November or so, and I had to have LSAT scores and the application process completed by March 1. So, I marched right into the LSAT with absolutely no prep at all seeing as how (a) it was right after Sept 11th and I was working 12+ hours a day, EVERY day, including most weekends, and (b) I was in the middle of writing my thesis for my Master's degree and was trying desperately to get that done so I could hurry up and graduate and spend even MORE time at work. I don't even remember registering for the LSAT but I looked at an LSAT book I got from the library perhaps twice between that date and the date of the test. During the test I sat next to a girl with no less than 15 sharpened, yellow #2 pencils who told me before we started that it was her fourth time taking it. Everyone there was extremely tense and I felt totally incompetent for not having taken the preparation more seriously. At the end, when they tell you that you can elect not to have your test graded the girl with the pencils started crying and left. I guess the fourth time wasn't a charm for her, and I've always wondered why it was so important to her to keep taking it and if she ended up in law school somewhere. I did fine and even though I ended up deferring a year due to the fact that I didn't make it into the AF program, here I sit in the law school of my choice :)

I'm not sure what the point of this is, except that the same attitude I accidentally had towards the LSAT has actually served me pretty well in law school. I'm definitely a last-minute studying type person and I tend not to be stressed out about exams until roughly a day or two before when I realize I am wholly unprepared to write more than one sentence on the topic at hand. That's not to say that this is a good attitude, but it works for me. I also think the LSAT story (now that I ponder on it a bit) is sort of telling in terms of the few nagging issues I've had with law school. I have almost no tolerance for people who are stressed out all the time...I'm incredulous at some of the lengths people will go to in order to spin themselves up into an ever-increasing frenzy of anxiety...it is almost impossible for me to believe that the level of stress some people maintain is anything other than a conscious decision on their part. Anyhow, take this all with the usual grain of salt I guess, and good luck to at least one reader who I know has the LSAT upcoming!

Hey there Barbie Girl!

Researchers are testing a new drug nicknamed the "Barbie Drug" because it makes you lose weight, gives you a tan, and increases your sex drive all at the same darn time. Side effects are listed as:

- Inability to move extremities at joints
- Constant misplacement of one plastic shoe
- Sudden urge to live in pink and purple house with no back wall on it
- Difficulty walking due to size of huge plastic head
- Overwhelming desire to dress like a hooker and say "Math is HARD..."

Anyway, it's supposed to be on the market in the next two years....until then I guess we'll all just have to be pale and imperfect. Oh the humanity.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Finally...a refreshing, just for the taste of it cult

The Cult of Diet Coke...very interesting, especially given my almost fanatical devotion to Diet Coke. At a restaurant when the waitress says "Is Diet Pepsi OK?" I say "No, bring me water." I own the following Diet Coke merchandise: socks, keychain, magnet, baseball cap, and t-shirt. When I had a bad day at work my troops used to leave cold Diet Cokes on my desk, and the JAG office gave me a 2-liter bottle with a big red bow EVERY Christmas. I am not the only person in my family addicted either, my dad is just as bad as me. When he was in the hospital a couple years ago he wore his Diet Coke baseball cap everywhere and even had the nurses sneaking it in to him. I would say that I drink probably 2+ liters of refreshing Diet Coke per day...more during finals. Even my ex-husband got into the act...he used to taunt me on road trips by only drinking Diet Pepsi and if I left any of the snack buying responsibilities to him he would come back with anything BUT Diet Coke and see if I would get desperate enough to drink it. Of course, he also liked to juggle knives when he drank...not really a paragon of good decision making. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if you ask ANYONE who has known me in the past ten years the one thing they remember about me, I can almost guarantee they will say "She sure does love Diet Coke." And I do.

The truth about killer Cicadas...

Thanks to Mark Ashton for this link...here's an excerpt:

FACT: Cicadas are vicious killers.

FACT: Cicadas prey on innocent children and pets.

FACT: Cicadas are seething with deadly venom and flesh-
eating bacteria.

FACT: This year Cicadas in Cincinnati will kill more people
than snakes, spiders, scorpions, and sharks combined!

What do Cicadas eat? Human children are the primary source of nutrition for
Cicadas.

Are Cicadas poisonous? Yes, Cicadas have a deadly venom that is injected through a small bone like tube known as the "Cicada deadly venom tube". The venom can kill a human being instantly. In 1987, the last time the Cicadas emerged in Cincinnati, over 7 million people died from Cicada injections. Many people escaped but most perished.

I'm thinking perhaps my hypothesis isn't as crazy as it first seemed!!

Today's innocent product with a deceptively pornographic name...

"With a simple push of the button, Hummingbird gently vibrates so it feels amazing...no matter which attachment you use."

Sounds amazing, huh? What's even more amazing is that this incredibly pornographic sounding product (and I mean everything, even the name, sounds dirty) is actually for improving your dental hygiene. No joke.

Whoa there...

A scientist has finally figured out why the Earth wobbles...Mars chastised for laughing and pointing.

The not really very quiet study room...

What I love about the "Law Students Only" study room in the library is that it gives everyone a chance to socialize and catch up on all the happenings of the weekend. You might think that a room specifically reserved for studying would be quiet and serene, but that's where you'd be wrong! No need to go to the student lounge to explain why your boyfriend is a selfish, controlling, manipulative jerk (who you of course love anyway...what's not to love?), or to relay the trials and tribulations associated with finding just the right type of organic mushrooms to take your spaghetti sauce from pretty good to pretty darn fantastic! I mean, really, don't let all the people in here with their open books and their tired eyes shooting evil glances your direction fool you...we ARE interested. Seriously.

Lubritorium

Our ConLaw professor today was going over a case involving the gas shortages in the 70's and showed a picture of a gas station from that era with a repair garage attached called The Lubritorium. Then he goes "Can you imagine taking your car there? It sounds like it would get lubed up from every side." The thing that is most disturbing about this to me is that only like 3 people laughed. Come on people...The Lubritorium...that is FUNNY!

Fourth Grade Teacher by Day...Psycho Ax Murderer by Night

Fourth Grade Class (in unison): "Good Morning Mrs. Seaman!!!"
Mrs. Seaman: "I DID NOT MURDER MY HUSBAND WITH AN AX YESTERDAY...Now who wants to make some extra credit and doesn't mind the smell of bleach?"

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Diamonds and other shiny stuff...

This is the first thing I'm doing when I get to D.C.

Look at all the sparklies...oooooohhhh....

More reflections on owl pellets...

Strangely, I blogged about owl pellets awhile ago in relation to my intense hatred of Paris Hilton. Now, there is an entire article regarding these wonders of "eco-diversity." My Paris Hilton theory isn't mentioned, but I'm sure it's just an oversight.

Presenting Morrissey...the ultimate human downer

Oh god, Morrissey is going to be on the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. I'm already feeling sort of sad and apathetic...must resist urge to lie in bed crying all day and wondering why that hot guy in my art class didn't respond to the note I put in his locker even though his friend told my friend's boyfriend that he totally thinks I'm cute. There was definitely a period of my life where I would just lay around with my old clunky walkman listening to my "Kill Uncle" tape over and over and over, tears rolling down my heartbroken teenangel face. It's amazing that I made it out of adolescence mentally and physically intact.

You have to "feel" the music...

There is a street fair outside our apartment today. There is a scary man wearing a Spongebob costume making balloon animals, a girl with her face painted wearing a blue knit cap and symbolically burying Barbie dolls that have been mutilated and painted black and red in tiny cardboard coffins, a band playing a sometimes passable rendition of "Little Pink Houses", a middle aged man dressed in a black leather duster sporting vampire fangs, and innumerable stalls selling everything from cinnamon roasted almonds and handmade baskets to tons of shiny jewelry that I will no doubt be sucked into buying before the weekend is over.

But, seeing all these people performing various dances, and poetry readings, and I think I might have even seen a mime, makes me think about why I don't get "it." I'm one of those people that doesn't understand performance art. Or interpretive dance. Or really anything very abstract and meant to symbolize the inner turpitude of one particular individual or group about a certain idea, event, or object. I've traveled all over the world and although I love architecture, and appreciate a beautiful painting in a museum, I am consistently befuddled by performance art.

As my friend at school says, I'm an admittedly strange combination of Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil, and on a good day, someone halfway funny. I bake cookies, own a handgun, love all things shiny, drink a lot of beer, make quilts for my friends, go to law school, and (lately) work on this blog. The girl burying the Barbies is someone I just have a hard time "getting." I know she at least thinks she's making some sort of valuable point, but I have no idea what it is. When I was a kid my parents would take me to church and sometimes people would do interpretive dances to songs and I would just sit there and wonder, "What are they interpreting?"...because to me it's just church music...you sing it fast so you can hurry up and sit down, it would NEVER occur to me to try to express my feelings about ANYTHING through dance (or mutilating dolls for that matter).

How do you know if someone is truly making an artistic statement or is just really high and thinks the Barbie burying routine is a good idea? I heard a woman in the bagel shop the other day inviting the girl that works there to her interpretive dance class. The girl asked what they did at the class and the woman told her they put on music and then everyone just "does what they feel." She said "some people stand still like trees, some people writhe around on the floor, some do yoga, some cry, some just stand in one place and sway back and forth." Seriously, I don't get it. I'm perplexed.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Interview with Me.

Here is what I need to be asking myself right now.

Q: "Why do you insist on sitting around watching cheesy love movies on ABC Family Channel all day long?"

A: "Well, I'll tell you...there's nothing I love more than to be reminded over and over again that the only way anyone ever finds their soulmate is if some neurotic, lonely, cigarette smoking writer sitting in a dark tortured office somewhere writes it into the script. Except weeping. I love that more."

Q: "How come all the girls in these movies are beautiful, smart, successful, witty and talented and can't find a 'good man?'"

A: "The good men have slowly been secreted away in dark caves by extraterrestrials where they are woven into huge cocoons and used as a food source for the cicadas that come out and torture our nation's youth every 17 years."

Q: "How come every single one of these movies follows the same format? Girl meets Boy, Girl thinks he's not the 'right' Boy, Girl moves on to new Boy, Girl decides she loves first Boy, Boy has new Girl, Girl wins Boy back by proving how smart, talented, witty and hot she is, Boy succumbs after realizing that true love is what he's been searching for all along and only Girl will do, and plus she's hot."

A: "You mean that's not real?"

Things I'm doing instead of studying...

I am supposed to be diligently getting caught up on Property today...unfortunately, unless my Property "AH-HA" moment is going to be sparked by reading blogs and playing Bejeweled, I'm not making much progess. My morning activities thus far:

1. Check email...only once...oh ok...fifty seven times.
2. Make healthy smoothie. Decide today is the first day of the rest of my nutritional life. Vow to add vitamins to my "to-do" list.
3. Clean room. Give up halfway through and shove all the laundry in the closet and light a candle.
4. Check blogs just to make sure everyone is still there. Whew...no one vanished overnight.
5. Eat one small bite of cake that I made for roommate and I last night. Decide that if I take one small bite there is a tiny but noticeable divot so take one small bite across entire cut side of cake to make sure it's even.
6. Check blogs and email again. Just to be sure.
7. Play Bejeweled. Almost beat high score so play thirty more times just in case today is my lucky day. It's not.
8. Consider how to turn a Chimay bottle into a candle. Decide that I am approximately 10 years too old for this type of craft project.
9. Decide to have chips and french onion dip for lunch because I already ruined my "diet" with the cake. Spend inordinate amount of time picking out the chips that look "weird."
10. Get out Property supplement. AND Property Book. Use both to prop up laptop so I can blog more comfortably.
11. Think up things I can do with horrendously ugly sunflower paperweight given to me by boy that turned out to be too hard to train. Decide it will make a fabulous contribution to the Public Interest silent auction next year. Decide that's too far away. Try to give it to undergrad roommate. No luck. Save as potential weapon in case someone ever breaks in and tries to steal any of the stuff I DO like.
12. Organize highlighters in reverse rainbow order. Sniff them all to make sure none are the good kind that smell like fruit. Nope.
13. Put on flip-flops and go to convenience store to get Diet Coke. Decide that if I ever have three wishes one of them will be for a never ending supply of Diet Coke delivered daily, chilled, to my home. Make note to self to let Cabana Boy be in charge of this...having responsibility builds self-esteem.
14. Write this list and reorganize and reformat it fifteen times.

Oh my god, I am never going to learn Property.

Naked...except for the shoes...and the fanny pack.

Apparently tomorrow many runners will be doing the Bay to Breakers Race in San Francisco naked. This is equal parts funny and creepy to me. The funny part is obviously people running 7.5 miles naked. The creepy part is...well...pretty much the same thing. The really weird part is that they have to get dressed as soon as they cross the finish line or risk being arrested. Hence the fanny packs (which technically in my mind also cross over into the creepy part).

Overall, I think maybe like one mile of nakedness is kind of funny but 7.5 miles of pure unadulterated nakedness takes a VERY secure individual and a VERY sturdy fanny pack.

Now all they need is a boy they can call Lettuce...

Gwyneth Paltrow has daughter...names her Apple, a fruit that has the same number of calories that Mommy consumes in one day.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Attack of the Big Icky Cicadas

Kid 1: "Dude, stand still...there's a gigantic cicada on your forehead"
Kid 2: "Oh my GOD, GET IT OFF...GET IT OFFFFFFFF!!!"
Kid 1: "OK, hold on, let me get get my baseball bat"
Kid 2: (see, he's silent because he just got hit on the head)
Kid 1: "Sorry 'bout that dude"

I lived in Washington D.C. the last time the cicadas came out and they seriously FREAK ME OUT, but not enough to let someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat to get one off...in addition to the two little geniuses described above, here are some of the other cicada related injuries making the news:

Several children fell off bikes, Baker said. "We had a concussion, a 9-year-old who was fleeing a cicada on her bicycle and fell off," he said.

Another child hit his head on a brick wall while he was running away from one of the insects.

"We had a stab wound to the arm from a kid who was trying to kill a cicada on the arm of another child but unfortunately he was using a knife," Baker added.

"Another kid tried to kick one under a lawn mower and cut his foot, and we saw a crush injury to the hand when a kid tried to put a cicada under the wheels of a moving car."


Honestly, maybe we need to worry less about math skills and more about basic common sense...also, I HOPE these will be gone, or at least on the decline, by the time I get to D.C. in June...honestly, big gigantic evil bugs that "are bigger than most other flying things" and "don't seem to have any tremendous purpose in which direction they are flying" are not my idea of a dream summer. Maybe I'll have to bring my Louisville Slugger and Cabana Boy can use it to keep the area clear. See? Delegation.

Update: Apparently the idiocy is for adults too!

Sad indeed...

This post at Soupie's BBQ & Daycare forces me to ask the question...who in their right mind would sleep with creepy man-whore Dave Navarro for the dubious honor of getting his totally lame autograph???

Which one these is not like the others...

Figure out what all these items have in common:

Jelly Beans
Malted Milk Balls
Gum Balls
Miniature Candy Bars
Crack
Gummi Bears

Give up? They're all things that are found in plastic Easter eggs!

Law School Reality...Only BETTER

Oh my god, a law school reality show…that would be SOOOO awesome (link via JD2B). Here are my three best (by which I mean “only” as well as “probably not all that funny”) ideas for a law school reality show.

Law School Survivor

There would be two teams….The Gunners versus The Solitaire Players. Every week someone would be voted off by their “small group” and during the course of the “semester” there would be immunity challenges like:

- High Score in Bejeweled
- Finding and displaying the most IM emoticons in under 3 minutes
- Identifying the page numbers of as many obscure notes cases from memory as
possible…first team to get 10 wins
- Naming all the significant Law Review related deadlines for the next three years, bonus points for being able to name every rule on a randomly selected Bluebook page from memory

At the end the two "small groups" would be merged and would be culled down in a somewhat undecipherable process that adheres to a strict curve which no one can figure out, not even the person who made it up over 600 years ago.

Law School Bachelor: What Torts?

This would start out with a Professor handing out roses to all of the students in the 1L reality show “class”…the catch is that one person is a secret spy who is deathly allergic to roses and subsequently has an allergy attack. This causes her to flail her arms wildly, hitting 13 people and causing severe injuries to one person who has a rare disease that causes his bones to break spontaneously when he is under severe emotional stress. When he collapses he accidentally drops a Diet Coke that was in his hand on someone else’s carefully prepared class notes which fly out the window blocking a driver’s window and causing a fourteen car pileup outside the law school. The accident destroys no less than twelve cars, nine domesticated animals, thirty nine million pieces of personal property and a 200 year-old historically significant tree. Whoever can guess the most Torts wins.

Fear Factor: Uptight Law Student Edition

The Fear Factor format somehow seems the most appropriate. Teams could be forced to do horrible stunts to test their ability to deal with stress and see how far they’ll go to succeed…all valuable skills for any post-law-school career. Some good stunts would be:

One student from each team would be locked in a room with the most obnoxious gunner in their 1L class and forced to listen stories all day of how “the exact thing as in this case happened to my Uncle Lou when he was in the hospital getting his hemorrhoid surgery.” The person who has the least severe mental breakdown scores a win for his/her team.

Each team would have to face down the law student’s greatest fear…nonconformity. First one person on each team would be told that Law Review write-on is in 1 week and that the only way they are ever going to get a job is to complete the assignment. Then all the other people on the team would have to try to resist joining in for as long as possible. The team with the person that holds out the longest wins a lifetime supply of Bluebooks and red pens.

For an extra bonus round each team could try to guess the grade point average of the each of the people on the other team using only gossip, stereotypes, and a Ouija board.






Thursday, May 13, 2004

Awwww.....

Look Ma...the other kids DO like me!!

Exams...and advice!

This post by Prof. Gordon Smith at Venturpreneur (link via JD2B) details his fabulous version of the law school exam as well as some great advice...it's probably too long for the cut and paste routine, and for some reason (probably operator error given my mechanical ineptitude) I wasn't able to leave a comment or do a trackback. Suffice it to say, the idea of allowing students to display creativity, problem solving skills, prioritization, and time-management skills on the exam seems like a great idea to me. I speak for no one but myself, but I hate the "cramming" and "regurgitating" routine probably as much the professors do (or at least as much as I imagine they do)!

OCI 2...When Government Agencies Don't Show Up

Today was supposed to be the "big day"...the day that I had been waiting for all week...OCI advice from Government Agencies. The "revised" schedule that came out this morning featured one prosecutor, one defense attorney, and one representative from a state agency. I don't know whether federal agencies were invited or not, but no federal reps were on the agenda. By the time the meeting rolled around, the prosecutor and defense attorney both had been called to meetings and couldn't make it and so we were left with one lonely state representative. She was very nice and perky and tried desperately to interest us in state jobs and even maintained her composure when three of the seven or so people there got up and left halfway through the meeting. Overall, I would say that at least it was much more positive in terms of what they're looking for (or willing to accept) compared to the OCI info session with firms on Tuesday. A huge percentage of the grads of this school go into public interest work, which is great...but I think it's very specific types of public interest work and everything else is just sort of left out there for us to explore...the Legal Badlands if you will.

Honestly, almost every single one of my professors has used the phrase "good enough for government work" at least once or twice in class. It probably sounds naive to other people, but I often have a hard time believing that people really feel that way, even though it's apparent that many do. I'm pretty dedicated to a career in public service, which I totally understand isn't everyone's thing...but today was the first day I sort of felt like I was being subtly brainwashed into a destiny that I'm pretty sure isn't the one I am looking for...like, "If you want support you have to follow 'The Path.'" Very strange.

Alright, I feel like I've been a bit maudlin today...back tomorrow with something uplifting, I promise!

Hotel Workers gone WILD!

It must be so awful to have spent all that time becoming rich and famous only to have the peasants revolt...I bet somehow though, with just the right mixture of pharmaceuticals, they'll be able to forget the horror of sleeping at a hotel with...gasp...no turn-down service. We won't even talk about the trauma associated with an empty minibar...I mean, MY GOD, what is the world COMING to????

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue...

'I Want You': Love Letters To Student Land Teacher In Trouble

One note included a poem: "The smell of your cologne mixed w/sweat/ The sounds you make while - / The touch of your hands/ The taste of your mouth,/ There's more, but I won't embarrass myself by mentioning them."

Oh my god, at least have the dignity to copy off a Hallmark Card...plagiarism is SO much better than ever having someone find out you wrote this crap.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Cartoon Quiz

Vindication for the approximately 9,645,238 hours I spent watching cartoons as a kid. I blame the two questions I got wrong on the stress of law school and an improperly prepared outline.

I hope you ejoyed this '80s retro 'toon quiz!
Your final score is 8 out of 10 questions.


(Thanks to SMP? for the link)

Hell Hound

My mom and dad got a new dog a few months ago after our longtime family dog died in November...my mom is essentially the nicest, kindest human being ever and just couldn't stand not having a dog around the house. The new dog is named Molly. My mom called me yesterday SPECIFICALLY to tell me this story about Molly's latest "adventure".

Mom: "I saw Molly chewing something out in the yard today. So, I screamed 'MOLLY you drop that ICKY thing right now!!'"
Me: "Ewww, what was it"
Mom: "It's so gross"
Me: "What, what???"
Mom: "It was a hummingbird, she was eating a hummingbird"
Me: "OH MY GOD, are you kidding???"
Mom: "I know, it's awful...how did she catch a hummingbird anyway? I thought she was just eating cat poop from the next door neighbor's house again"
Me: "Oh yeah, cat poop is way better than a hummingbird"

So, of course I called my best friend who offered the following observation..."WHAT kind of SATANIC effing dog did your parents get??"

Put down the Harry Potter book...that's it...slowly....

"Whispering shop windows will soon be exported to Germany by a small British company that says they will turn heads and draw customers into shops."

If this doesn't work they will be trying free Quidditch lessons for the muggles in the quad every afternoon and a free bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans for every purchase of two or more Nimbus 2000 racing brooms. Yeah.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

On Campus Interviewing: Where grades are the most important thing about you, EVER!

After missing the OCI meeting yesterday, I eagerly attended the one today that was focused on firm recruiters and alumni coming in to tell us what they look for in OCI candidates and how their firms handle hiring.

Here are the highlights...organized by category for your reading pleasure.

Resumes

- Resumes should be no longer than one page long. Your class rank should be displayed in 87.5 point font on that page. You won't need another page because everything else about you is unimportant to us.

- Typos will be punished with death.

- Your resume will be put into one of three piles: Hell No, Probably Hell No, and Excellent Grades

Cover Letters

- Cover letters should be used to highlight things that make you stand out. For instance: excellent grades, really good grades, and outstanding grades. If you have excellent grades you may use your cover letter to expound upon any other interests you have as long as they are entirely mainstream and in no way interesting or offensive to anyone, even babies.

Interviews

- You should not chew gum, wear inappropriate attire, or call your interviewer by the wrong name during the interview. We do not think it is ironic at all that even though we only want to interview the top 10% we still have to tell them basic stuff like this. We do not believe in professional natural selection.

- The above goes double for cutesy email addresses and stupid voicemail greetings. The fact that you got the most outstanding grades means we are totally willing to overlook the fact that you don't know hotteenslutbunny69@email.com is not an appropriate email address for your resume and we will continue to tell you to change it in the simplest possible terms at least 5,673 times between now and August. If you forget, that's OK. Smart people can be so disorganized...smile.

- Ask "hardball" questions during your interview. For instance "How important are grades to this firm?" and "How often do you hire someone not in the top 10%?" That way we can all have a laugh at the expense of the "other half"...er..."other 90%."

- If you do get an interview make sure that whatever happens you don’t act like yourself, unless you got good grades in which case you may act like yourself for the first five minutes and then not at all ever again.

- Be honest, but not about anything important. Read our bio's before interviews and then like whatever we like...see, isn't that better for everyone?

Alternative Ways to Get Hired/Atmosphere

- If your grades are bad one thing you could do is go find a job at "another" firm, by which we mean someone with no standards that would hire a "bottom 90%" person, and then come back and apply laterally in three or four years.

- All firms are different, we're not sure how, but it's true.

General Advice

- Don't wear tongue-rings, it confuses the interviewers because that's all they can pay attention to. (I swear they said this...against all odds, I will refrain from commenting).

- Students from your law school are just as competitive as people from Harvard. No seriously. Quit laughing.

- Students from your law school have a reputation for being a little too relaxed in interviews. This is detrimental because there are a lot of people from the East Coast that want these jobs. (Once again, I'm not even exaggerating this one for humor).

Best Question of the Day Award goes to one of my (presumably) regular readers who asked, out loud..."What advice would you give people with average grades and no particularly outstanding talents?"

Answer: "If you have life experience by all means put it on your resume. But, try to do it in one page. We hate to read more than one page. We are very busy. And don't mention what high school you went to. Even if it's Exeter. What is up with these Exeter people? Oops..I hope I didn't offend anyone in here who went to Exeter"

Me to person sitting next to me: "What's Exeter?"...to which the five closest people turned around and looked at me like I had stepped off a spaceship...with a probe.




When I said "sparkling wine" I really meant "scotch"

This guy had a blood alcohol level TWICE what is considered life-threatening to "normal" people. When I say "normal" I of course mean "would never allow it to get out that they set drunkenness record while hopped up on sparkling wine." Please.

Hell yeah I'm allowed to have lighter fluid...I do what I want!

I got another informative email from our Student Housing Office this morning...

Glorified Graduate Dorm Residents,

The policies regarding the possession and use of BBQ's in GGD
have been looked at. Hibachis, charcoal and lighter fluid are allowed in
GGD. Propane, however, is not. If you are in possession of
propane, please remove it immediately.


I would like to point out that we have also been warned, several times, STERNLY, that boxed wine is strictly forbidden. Propane and boxed wine...tools of the devil.


Monday, May 10, 2004

Who's this baby's daddy?

The EXACT SAME THING happened to a girl I went to high school with! Thank god successive inbreeding is the problem...that means regular inbreeding is perfectly OK...good news for my ex in-laws in South Florida.

Odds and Ends...

Congratulations to my roommate for being the blog's 666th visitor. Seriously.
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Also, I would like to introduce two of my readers to each other...they both found the blog through Google searches and I think they would make a great couple. Mr. "Will work for milk kitten," meet Ms. "James Spader has scoliosis." Best wishes to you kids...I hope it works out!
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Finally, heartfelt thanks to How Appealing for putting up a link, and Evan at Notes from the (Legal) Underground for the mention in the Weekly Roundup...between the two of them my readership is up 953%. I'm not sure if I'm too cool to be a lawyer...but I appreciate the vote of confidence!
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Finally (and this time I mean it), this is the email I got from Career Services today regarding a "CRUCIAL" meeting regarding fall on-campus interviewing...

MONDAY, MAY 10th
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 12:43:17 -0700 (PDT)

Overview of the Fall Recruiting (OCI) Process -- 12:30-1:20, Room 133

Please join John Doe and Jane Doe of Career Services as they
impart crucial insight into the OCI Process. (emphasis added)

Yeah...I might have been there if I had known about it more than 13 minutes AFTER the CRUCIAL meeting started. Nice.

The Brief is Done...On to Registration

I turned the brief in this morning...let's take a moment of silence to mourn my Basic Legal Skills grade...

There. Now I can move on to registering for classes, a process that is slightly more difficult than performing your average invasive neurological procedure. The whole registration thing has been pretty well hashed over in other places, but suffice it to say that with my remedial math skills trying to plan classes when there are three quarters and each class can last one, two or three quarters, is a complete nightmare. Every time I look at the NINETEEN PAGE planning packet (thanks for keeping it concise Academic Services) I get that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that always reminds me of when I would see the math teacher take out a pair of dice and say "Class,let's talk about Probabilities...." Perhaps this is a task that the Cabana Boy can be in charge of once he's "on board" if you will. Delegation is key.

French Cop Part-Time Prostitute, Full-Time Weirdo

"A French policeman faces trial in a police court for driving under the influence after he was stopped at the wheel of his car drunk and wearing only a pair of fishnet tights."

Listen, sometimes we all need to make a little extra money...what's so wrong with drunkenly whoring yourself out even though you're a police officer? Hmmmmmm?

Sunday, May 09, 2004

All's well that ends well...

Trump to be roasted...hair to be used as kindling.

Frogs, Meet Brief...Brief, Go to Hell.

"California biologists are alarmed over the latest invasive species to take up residence in this city: African clawed frogs, which eat just about anything and tend to breed like crazy...they alter ecosystems by gobbling up insects, fish, lizards and even birds that fit into their large, tongueless mouths."

Too tired to comment...nobody informed me that the Table of Authorities would take roughly as long to finish as the last ice age. I've given up on the bus scenario (see Update below), but I've moved on to hoping for an infestation of African clawed frogs...although I bet they wouldn't eat my brief. It's probably the only thing on the whole planet they wouldn't shove into their large, tongueless mouths...(Note to mind: Get out of the gutter). Anyway, no word from my partner yet so I'm toiling in solitude just waiting for the frogs.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Law School Prom -- After (No)Action Report

The Law School Prom was rather disappointing in that nothing untoward happened that I can blog about in any sort of humorous manner. The best part of the evening was when that Nelly song came on where the chorus goes "Must be the money..." and frankly, I felt like that was the most animated anyone was all evening, I mean, people were INTO it...imagine that...a bunch of future lawyers...amazing!! Anyway, the night was pretty fun and we're home early in deference to the home stretch on the brief, which is due Monday morning at 9am. Ack!

Congrats to everyone who has finished finals and is out there partying it up for real...I'm jealous!!

OHMYGOD!

This is so awful! My dad is a helicopter pilot (Jolly Greens...That Others May Live...especially fighter pilots...) and this just gives me chills...ugh.

Wanted: Cabana Boy for Slightly Insane, Hard to Please Law Student

Must resemble either James Spader or The Rock (but not both because that would be weird). Should be able to defoil Caramel Hershey’s Kisses at roughly the speed of light while simultaneously dropping them into my mouth as I type/outline/brief/stare like a zombie into space/etc. Must demonstrate the ability to put a Diet Coke in the freezer for the exact amount of time it takes to get it perfectly cold, but not so long that it gets frozen, which, as you should already know, can make it watery and icky. Foot massages are a must, but only the quiet kind where you don’t try to chit-chat with me while you’re touching my feet because that creeps me out. Must be willing to admit, out loud (and often), that I am the boss of you.

I am a law student with crazy eyes, and a hunchback from carrying around 50 pounds of books because I’m too cool to use a rolling bag but not too cool for scoliosis. I don’t get out of the library much, but when I am spotted “in the wild,” I am usually curled up in the fetal position crying softly and repeating the First Amendment over and over while squinting from the bright, bright sunlight that hurts my mole-like, underground library habitat afflicted eyes. I will be accepting applications until the position is filled or until I have a nervous breakdown, whichever comes first. In the event of an interview the attire will be “Cabana Boy Casual.”

Things they don't teach in Law School...

How to make margaritas during court.
How to play the bagpipes during court.
How to make a paperclip sculpture (or necklace if that's what you're into) during court.
How to finally program your cell phone to have different rings for different people during court.
How to turn each sheet of the complaint into a unique and meaningful piece of origami during court.
How to give yourself a relaxing manicure and hand hair trim during court...

Friday, May 07, 2004

$100 gone...just GONE

I spent $100 to get my hair done today, something that I think only girls probably do on a regular basis (spending that amount of money, not getting their hair done, or at least cut), and the man that did my color and highlights not only subjected me to a diatribe on what's going on in the Middle East, but he also poked me in the eye (HARD) while washing my hair, and didn't do a great job on my hair (although after he washed it he declared "I did a damn good job!" for all to hear, of course, I couldn't tell because I was too busy trying to hold my eyeball in). For $100 I expect at the very least to be able to relax. Think of all of the ways I COULD have spent that $100 that would have allowed me to relax/have fun/forget law school.

100 20 oz. Diet Cokes
50 bags of Hershey's Caramel Kisses
10 pitchers of Rogue Dead Guy Ale -- a wonderful beer made near my hometown in Oregon
5 pedicures where they paint little tiny flowers on your big toes and put a rhinestone in the middle of each one
4 ridiculously expensive lip glosses from Sephora that I would love and cherish and ultimately leave on the bus
2 tickets to see Jimmy Buffet this summer
1 of my favorite X-box game EVER...PLUS enough money left over to rent a car and go home for the weekend to play it on my parents' X-Box (b/c I'm poor and X-Box-less and also they feed me and my mom does my laundry...I know, it's sick)


Theme: Dorks Under the Sea

This guy is holding open auditions for a date to his school's Senior Prom. He admits he's "horrible with the ladies." Here's the supporting evidence in his own words:

"That's why he scrawled out a call for auditions on a flier that includes the tantalizing image of Jack in the Box's globe-headed mascot."

"As for his preferences, Bailey really doesn't have any, as long as his date has a playful spirit and can dance. Bailey is partial to breakdancing, himself."

"I'm actually kind of nervous. I don't really have any expectations."

"As for the date, Bailey doesn't have many expectations either. "I like cheap," he said."

The method for this madness is an interview style question and answer session with "judges" grilling the girls about their choices in bread (I swear it said that in the story), and then a "winner" will be picked.

The moral of this story is that this total dork is going to have a date to his Prom (hopefully she'll be cheap and like to breakdance, but if not, that's OK because he has no expectations anyway)...and I am going to Law Prom tomorrow night with no date. I guess I should have held the auditions earlier.

"Sir, tell us why you'd like to take Energy Spatula to the Law Prom?"
"Uh...I like to breakdance"
"What can you offer Energy Spatula as a date in terms of ensuring her good time?"
"Well...unlike her last 50 dates I won't take her to Chili's, instead, we will go to Bennigan's"
"What will you bring Energy Spatula to show her that you're interested in her"
"Oh wait, I'm supposed to pretend to be interested...her other dates never had to pretend to be interested..."
"Sir, what refreshing carbonated beverage would you serve to Energy Spatula after a hot, sweaty night of breakdancing?"
"Diet Pepsi?"
"WRONG"
"Diet Sprite?"
"WRONG"
"Screw this...this girl sounds like a maniac...I'm going home to watch 'What Not to Wear'"