Please quit stealing the merchandise...

I still have the rental car from this weekend so the Roomie and I headed out to the grocery store for a rare bit of "Buy Whatever You Want Because You Have a Vehicle To Get It Home" mania. After stocking up on beer, Ben & Jerry's, and a pair of jeans I found on sale, I was ready to check out. Since I think I'm pretty smart, I decided to try out the automatic check-your-own-damn-self-out machine...BIG MISTAKE.

Machine: "Please press the 'Start Now' button to begin"
Me: "Oooohhh...I get to push pretty buttons"
Machine: "Please scan your item, rub it on the special yellow 'you-didn't-steal-this' pad, and place into your bag"
Me: "Uh...ok...scan, rub, place...gotcha"
Machine: "Please REMOVE your item and scan it BEFORE you place it in the bag"
Me: "I scanned it! I promise!"
Machine: "PLEASE REMOVE THE ITEM AND SCAN IT BEFORE PLACING IT IN YOUR BAG!!!"
Me: "I swear, it's already scanned...see...it's right there on your screen."
Machine: "LISTEN LADY, DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE POLICE"
Me: "Please Mr. Machine, just take it off the bill...I don't even want it anymore...all I care about is the beer and the ice cream"
Machine: "I don't care what you want you shoplifting hussy...you will never leave this store alive...NOW SCAN THE DAMN ITEM AND QUIT TRYING TO STEAL OUR MERCHANDISE!"
Me: "Why are you doing this to me...why??? I've been so good...I didn't laugh when I saw that lady fall down at the baseball game! I patiently explained to my mother how to read the back of the Blockbuster tape case so she could see when her tapes are due even though everyone else in America already knows it. I've done everything you ever wanted...I don't even have coupons...PLEASE...let me have the ice cream and the beer...for the LOVE OF GOD!"
Machine: "I am now calling over a manager who is going to cut out your lying tongue and then roast you on a spit over a fire fueled entirely by receipt tape"

Manager comes over..."Wow...you've really got this machine all messed up...did you try to take an item without scanning it?"
Me (now weeping): "NO!!!!!! It's listed right there on the receipt..."
Machine: "heh heh...sucker"
Manager: "Well, you must have done something...did you scan it twice? Did you? DID YOU?"
Me: "Well, yes! It kept telling me to remove my item and scan it again...I thought it was going to explode or kill me or something"
Manager: "Want to know something interesting?"
Me: "Are you effing kidding me?"
Manager: "When the machine talks in Spanish it's a man's voice...isn't that fascinating...HAVE A NICE DAY!"
Me: "OHMYGOD WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED????"

Then my head exploded.

Oh, the places I've been!

Join the military...see the world...or at least 78% of the United States (states I've been to in red...I've lived in 13 of them plus 2 other countries -- who knew I was well-traveled enough to make the map all red and pretty).



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide


Thanks to Stag for the link.

The Evil Dr. Bad Actor

David Hasselhoff wants to star as a James Bond villain in the next film...he'd also like to sing the theme song. Strangely he seems unaware that he can neither sing nor act.

Memorial Day...Shameless Patriotic Ramblings

I have to drive home tomorrow so probably no blogging until evening, if at all. But, it's Memorial Day...so, on a (rare) serious note...

Memorial Day is much more than a three-day weekend that marks the beginning of summer. To many people, especially the nation's thousands of combat veterans, this day, which has a history stretching back all the way to the Civil War, is an important reminder of those who died in the service of their country.

So...say thanks to a veteran...tell someone in the Armed Forces you appreciate what they do for this country regardless of how you feel about the President, remember the sacrifices that have been made not just in the past, but also just this year.

I will be saying thanks to my Dad, a Vietnam vet (twice!), a combat-rescue helicopter pilot, and a 30-year Air Force officer, as well as my grandfather, a WWII veteran who survived the attack on Pearl Harbor aboard the USS Maryland and served in the Navy for over 20 years. I am really, truly grateful for their service to this country, and I wish I remembered to say it more than twice a year, on Veteran's Day and on Memorial Day. I also need to say "thanks" to many of my friends and former colleagues who currently serve in the military (you know who you are!), some of whom are sitting in some pretty crappy places right now...definitely not enjoying a barbecue with their families or celebrating the beginning of summer with a long weekend. You guys rock!

Alright, those who know me know that I once I get started on a sappy, patriotic monologue you can't shut me up (Oh, who am I kidding? You can never shut me up!!)...so I will attempt to shut myself up and leave you with rather a somber quote...but fitting nonetheless.

"...gather around their sacred remains and garland the passionless mounds above them with choicest flowers of springtime....let us in this solemn presence renew our pledges to aid and assist those whom they have left among us as sacred charges upon the Nation's gratitude,--the soldier's and sailor's widow and orphan." --General John Logan, General Order No. 11, 5 May 1868

Thanks!

I owe a couple of people a big hearty Thank You! So, thanks to Denise at Bag and Baggage for the kind words and the link, they are much appreciated! Additionally, thanks to Steven at Half-Cocked for the well-wishes as I head into exam week here shortly. Also much appreciated!

Mini-road-trip!

Today I had the most interesting day! The case that we were assigned for our appellate brief and Moot Court is a First Amendment billboard case that just happens to involve a person who lives basically right down the street from my parents. It's actually about a 20-minute drive but since our case is over now, I decided to drive by and take a picture of the property and the little town to send to my small group so they could see what we had spent the last 3 months of our lives on. So, I took Molly the Satanic Dog and we headed out on the open road.

When we got to this guy's property I noticed that he runs a business from his home, and even though I hadn't intended to stop or anything, I decided to go ahead and do just that. When we pulled into the driveway he came out of his garage and I asked him if he was who I thought he was and he invited me to get out of the car and meet his wife and see his property, so I did. He was quite a character and told me he had just gotten home from "Camp Uncle Sam" yesterday for something to do with the IRS. But, he told me a little about the case that we had done for Moot Court and took me on an extensive tour of his 200 acre property and we chatted about who we knew in common...nice to have your parents retire in a small town sometimes!

It was pretty interesting to see the property and the man behind the case and listen to him talk about it a little bit. He seemed surprised that it was a big enough deal for an entire law school class to use it as a basis for their yearly mock trial. He did tell me though that I looked too nice to be a lawyer...that he thought I looked like someone he could be friends with, so my entire trip was worth it if for no other reason than to hear I don't look like a laywer :)

Now we're off to a family viewing of Troy. My dad is going solely for the opportunity to eat popcorn and drink an extra huge Diet Coke and my mom and I are hoping for AT LEAST a partially naked Brad Pitt. Then it's back to the outlining coal mine for the foreseeable future...at least I'll be taking my Brad Pitt memories in with me! Happy day!

17 things to do with a dead cicada...

As a companion piece to this and this, here is an article about all the things you can do with a cicada carcass. Notice the innocent little child wearing a necklace of dead cicada exoskeletons. Awww...so cute.

Didn't she get the memo?

"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to take down your flag. Well...I don't care that you're a WWII veteran. Sir, I don't care that you're 89 years old and want to honor the people who died in 9/11. Oh...you say your son-in-law is Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas...."

Seeing Things

Today I drove with my mom to the nearest "big" city (by which I mean..."with a Target") to go to the mall. On the way home we saw an SUV driving through the middle of town with a giant inflatable penis sticking out the sunroof and blow-up dolls sticking out of each of the rear passenger windows. Weird.

Toasted, big-bottomed, cemetary ants...

Normally when I think of the U.K. I don't think of their brilliant culinary achievements...and now I remember why.

Someone's in the doghouse...and it's not Molly.

My mom made a cake yesterday and it got a little...dark...in the oven. This morning my dad told her it's the only cake he's ever seen with knots...then asked if he could use it in his shop to shore up a desk he's making. Hilarity ensued.

Carry-Out or Delivery?

First Ikea and now this....

The company delivering the goods has this to say:

"We need to change attitudes to condoms," he said. "If we need to get out in to the bedrooms to make things better we will do it."

Kind of makes you wonder what else they're delivering...but hey, any country that can come up with a lamp this awesome AND deliver condoms right to your door in the middle of the night can't be wrong!

From Vo-Tech to the Rams to the Bank to Jail

Nothing says "I Love You" like becoming a convicted felon.

Machine Guns and coke...all in all a good day!

My mom and I were walking around Fred Meyer's today (like Kohl's for you East Coast types) and she yells across about five aisles "Hey don't let me forget to go by Safeway...I need a bag of coke!" Um...please tell me you meant BOX of Coke? The best part was that it took her a full minute to figure out why I was laughing and then she turns bright red and says to everyone in the aisle "Well, I didn't mean cocaine..." Oh good, that clears it right up for the eight people standing here who have no idea what you're talking about because the people that heard you are long gone. Geez.

Also, the small town my parents live in is having their annual small town festival thing this weekend for Memorial Day and the headlining event is advertised on a huge banner as you drive into town..."FULLY AUTOMATIC MACHINE GUN FUN SHOOT." Nothing says "Welcome to our beautiful country oasis" like the fact that apparently there are enough residents here with fully automatic machine guns for it to be the theme of the annual town get-together.

Progress Update

Property outlining is going well...although I'm not sure I can pass the exam with just one chapter outlined REALLY well...so that could be a problem. On the upside, I discovered that my parent's computer keyboard has an "f" key that doesn't work too well...so when I went back through what I had done so far I realized that sometimes, without the "f", a burden of production actually "shits"...which is kind of funny in and of itself.

In other news...Molly the Satanic Dog is at it again as well...yesterday my mom took her to the Alzheimer's and Memory Center so that Molly can do her "therapy dog" thing and try to cheer up the old folks. Well...it was cookie day where the people there make cookies and then they have a little social hour or whatever. So this little frail old lady has her cookies in a bag tied to the front of her walker and Molly mows her down, eats the cookies, then gets under the coffee table where someone has left a styrofoam cup and gets it stuck over her muzzle and goes nuts...running around the room all hopped up on cookies and swinging her new styrofoam nose cup around. My mom was so mortified.... I guess the Alzheimer's center still wants them to come visit, just maybe not on cookie day anymore.

Duct tape fixes EVERYTHING!!

Judge orders man's mouth taped shut because he keeps saying "I didn't do it." My ex-husband used to drive me crazy with this same line...like the judge, I was pretty sure he did, in fact, do it...or more to the point...her. Unlike the judge I have enough common sense not to inflict public punishment that could give rise to an appeal :)

Satin and Gloss make it to Round Two, Matte unfortunately voted off....

Here's a new reality show...it's called "Watching Paint Dry" and that's all it is, nonstop footage of drying paint. While that is actually less annoying than "The Bachelor," if it doesn't prove to be boring enough I volunteer to sit for twenty-four hours a day reading casebooks...oh wait....

Solo naked dancing...criminal style

"Hey ladies...I'm pledging this fraternity at another college only I have to do this one thing and I was hoping you could help me out. What is it? Well...here's the thing...could you just hold my trench coat?"

Nothing comes between this woman and her watermelon candies...not even the cops!

Woman grabs cop's testicles and is charged with assault...he says it was over blue and silver gummy worms, she says it was over watermelon candy. I think what's important here isn't that both the cop and the woman sustained injuries in the brawl...it's that, in my opinion, it is very unlikely that there is actually such a thing as a silver gummy worm. I mean really.

I'm here...but I'm not obsessed...seriously

Thanks to my roomie for sending me this link about people who become addicted to blogging. I want to state for the record that just because this is the first thing I did when I got here does not mean I'm addicted. Really. Anyway, I'm at least LESS addicted to this than I am to X-box, so I have to go now...Tiger Woods Golf is calling...

Home...

I am going home tomorrow morning, so expect light posting (maybe...depends how bored I am and how bad I want to distract myself from outlining) through Memorial Day. You might be asking yourself..."Don't her exams start a week from Monday?" Yes. Yes they do. I have decided that I need to get away though ...more than I need to spend another weekend sitting in the library being a veritble human sponge for all the stress and anxiety going on. Besides, my dad got home from his business trip early so I think a family TigerWoods Golf X-box deathmatch is in order.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. It's really beautiful there and there's tons to do...but I have to get my Property outline plus one last CrimLaw paper done. I'm pretending right now that ConLaw doesn't exist...denial is currently my best friend. Plus my dad has decided that I should pack up as much of my stuff as possible and bring it home, so I'm actually trying to comply because I'm hoping it will keep him out of my hair once school is done. He seems to think he and my mom will be on my doorstep directly after my last exam to move the rest of my stuff into storage for the summer. Uh, no. How do you explain to your very conservative, non-drinking parents that they need to give you a couple days to get drunk out of your mind in "celebration" of the end of 1L...the kind of celebration that will probably give me a three day hangover...but whatever.

Public Humiliation

Despite the fact that I kept my pseudo-Tourette's under control, the competition tonight was embarrassingly bad. It is made worse by the fact that everyone on the judge's panel was undyingly cool...you know, popular, well-spoken, good hair...those people. I did pretty good through the part where I introduce myself...say, the first 10-15 words or so. Then it went downhill.

Judge: "So, why does the court think blah blah blah"
Me: "Uh....um....uh...." (face turns bright red...thank god for Irish grandparents)
Judge: ...staring me down...
Me: ...stutter...sweat...turn redder...stare at notes...stare at floor...think about vomiting...think about running out and never coming back to school ever again...try to decide if there is any graceful way for me to recover...nope, no way....

This goes on for at least a full minute before I make up some kind of bullshit answer and the judge mercifully lets me move on to my next point. I HAVE A PLAN HERE PEOPLE...DO NOT SCREW WITH THE PLAN! Don't they know I have a "roadmap" for god's sake? It's not like I started out my argument with "May it please the court, I have come here to be publicly humiliated because I am too stupid to remember the answer to a question upon which my entire case hinges."

So, afterwards they asked me some questions and I told them that I hadn't participated in Moot Court and they were like "Oh my god, we asked you such hard questions...we thought you had done Moot Court." NOPE!!!! I am pretty sure I screwed myself out of this by not being prepared enough, or not practicing enough...and I would really LOVE to do it, the topic for their competition next year is something I am so interested in and the people on it seem really cool and nice, which are qualities I have yet to find in many of my fellow students. Oh well, guess next time I will know what it means to be prepared...I just didn't understand how hard it would be to keep myself together with people throwing out a lot of questions I couldn't answer (or could only answer poorly given my clear inability to complete a sentence without showing the world what a dumbass I am).

Moral of this story: Ime not sew smartt.

Moot Court...The Sequel (kind of)

There is another, smaller, specialized Moot Court competition tonight and I am going to be participating in it in an attempt to get some experience since I had to miss regular Moot Court a couple of weeks ago. It's sort of hard after putting the problem and the brief out of my mind to delve back in and try to come up with arguments and answers for potential questions, especially when I never got the questions in the first place. But, a friend helped by quizzing me this afternoon, and even though I am (unexpectedly) nervous, I'm hoping to get some good feedback from the judges and some experience. I feel like with public speaking there is no such thing as forcing yourself to do it too much. Anyway, I'm off to finish reading the material, get all dressed up in a stuffy suit, and hopefully not embarrass myself to the point where I have to drop out of school in shame.

Crayola says to child "You win...wait...no, you lose"

This story has a certain Onion-esque feel to it...

Here's a tantalizing excerpt:

"I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This just couldn't be. This is a child's life," the mother said in a phone interview Tuesday. "You just shattered her life."

Justina and her 3-year-old sister, Jacinda, set up a gallery of their own in their parents' basement. Justina made a sign, saying, "Our Art is Terrific," her mom said.

Laura Hecker recalled her husband, David, breaking the news to Justina, as she sat in an oversized recliner in their home.

"It just about makes me bawl now, thinking about it," she said, adding that her daughter is cynical about entering other drawing competitions.

"Now she's got the attitude that it's all just a lie."

Apparently if you are 9-years-old and you lose a coloring contest there is no reason to go on...just give up because your life will never be worth the paper it's colored on. I smell a lawsuit.

But, Crayola is at least doing one thing right:

Richard "Catty" Simmons v Gigantic Tough Guy Ultimate Cage Fighter

A man described as a "6-foot 2-inch, 250-pound ultimate cage fighter" has dropped charges against Richard Simmons for slapping him in an airport after the cage fighter apparently made a sarcastic comment about "Sweatin' to the Oldies."

I can't help but think that by this time in his life Richard Simmons should be used to people making fun of him, his clothes, his exercise videos...whatever. Candy-striped short shorts with matching headband and scrunch socks is not the uniform of a man who wants to be taken seriously by the general public, let alone an ultimate cage fighter. Puh-leaze.

Oklahoma: We lose more bales of hay before 9am than other states lose all day!

The following two emails have come to me in the last two days from my best friend...

Yesterday morning: Today there was a bale of hay on the interstate. I almost wrecked my surry with a fringe on top trying to go around it.

This morning: It is still on the interstate. However, it seems to have been RUN OVER numerous times. Go Sooners.

The person who dropped the bale of hay was probably hurrying to Wal-Mart...maybe they were rolling back prices on Looney Tunes t-shirts.

UPDATE: In response to Soup's question...here is a pic of a surry (happily it also has a fringe on top).

That's right, you're not from Texas...but Texas wants you anyway.

Come to Texas. Speed. Get prizes.

Operational Information Warfare meets ConLaw

This may be the first and last time I talk about anything so directly related to school as this...but it was interesting (at least to me) and it's my blog...so there :) Any inaccuracies in my representation of ConLaw are my own fault (and the fault of the public education system which has clearly failed me so horribly)...

Had an interesting conversation with Prof. ConLaw today after class. We’ve been talking about whether/when it’s OK for the President to take the country to war without an express declaration by Congress. His opinion is that the Supreme Court will likely never rule on this because it is a political issue rather than a legal issue. But, we got to talking about what constitutes war. Prof. ConLaw said that he would go back to the old historical definition…basically that it’s not war unless there are people being physically injured and bullets are flying…what most of us would think of when we hear the word “war.” I told him that I would extend war to include information operations, and electronic warfare. (I am admittedly biased having spent the majority of my military time working primarily with personnel issues in the field of operational information warfare). Information warfare is commonly defined as “any action to deny, exploit, corrupt, or destroy the enemy's information and its functions; protecting ourselves against those actions; and exploiting our own military information functions.”

My point to Prof. ConLaw was that the defense and intelligence communities continually seek new means to engage in “warfare” in (a) ways that decrease risk to lives of military personnel and non-combatants, and (b) ways that are directly targeted to “exploiting, corrupting and destroying” the resources of the enemy. Whether the President has the singular authority to send this country to “war” as defined by Prof. ConLaw is iffy at best, I think most in my class would answer emphatically “No.” But, if the line is to be drawn with physical engagement of the enemy or bullets crossing over enemy lines, than where does that leave what I would argue is one of the most important weapons systems in use today (and one which I think will grow exponentially in importance in coming decades), operational information warfare? The danger in determining the President’s powers based on a traditional definition of warfare, is that warfare is going to be redefined at some point in our future history, at least in certain circumstances. I'm a little shocked that Prof. ConLaw would be willing to leave that territory open for interpretation when clearly he thinks the fact that a President can just march this country into war without tacit approval by Congress is a travesty. Anyway, this isn't really my usual thing on this blog, but I always feel happy when law school and Before collide.

Move over Honda Civic!

Thief 1: "Hey, let's go steal a car."
T2: "Alright...I've been looking for a new ride anyway"
T1: "What should we take? I want something hot, something fast, something that will make the chicks crazy..."
T2: "How about a 1995 Saturn SL1?"
T1: "Perfect!! It has 88 horse-power, dent-resistant panels, and if you turn the stereo all the way up to 11 you can almost hear it outside the car for 7.3 seconds before all 4 of the speakers blow completely out. And just think, the SL1 even comes with a luxurious passenger side mirror unlike the crappy plain SL...SWEET!"

15 is the luckiest number....

This woman just had her 15th child. The family is from Arkansas, the children are homeschooled, she got married when she was 17, and all the kids have "J" names...including Jedidiah, Jessa, Jinger, and John David. I bet you a million dollars they'll be doing a Wal-Mart commercial before the year is out. "When you have 15 little "J" named kids running around you need a lot of food...and beer...and aspirin. Wal-Mart offers the lowest prices always. Always." (Fade out with her weeping in the diaper aisle).

Courtship...

This article, link via Begging the Question, has a fairly in-depth analysis on the trend of internet dating, and what the author considers the two factors most responsible for the death of courtship, “the demand for total transparency and a bias toward the over-sharing of personal information,” which “encourage the erosion of the boundaries that are necessary for the growth of successful relationships.” She points out that with all the information available electronically and the advent of Internet dating, there are fewer opportunities to get to know someone slowly, to find out about their life through shared social connections, even to find mutual attraction with someone you share a word with at the coffee shop or whose eyes you meet on the subway.

It’s interesting to me because I feel like, while there’s no denying that using only email and carefully cropped photos, almost anyone could probably find a “connection” on an Internet dating site, there seems to be no substitute for that nebulous little thing called “chemistry.” As the article points out “There is a danger in relying wholly or even largely on science and technology to answer these questions, for it risks eroding our appreciation of the ineffable things—intuition and physical attraction, passion and sensibility—by reducing these feelings to scientifically explained physiological facts.” There is no feeling like just seeing a person that normally you wouldn’t think twice about and realizing that all of the sudden you want to hear them laugh or you feel your stomach give just the tiniest flutter. I think that it seems like more of a challenge to win someone over in person by being funny and smart than by sending carefully crafted and edited emails meant to convey a “more” and “better” version of yourself than you will ever be able to live up to in a real-life relationship. Aren’t the imperfections what make people kind of interesting?

Anyway, I liked the article…I’m not sure I believe (or want to believe) that “courtship,” even in a modified sense, is dead. But I agree that the face of dating is changing in a way that probably would have seemed like something from the Jetson’s when I was a kid, and now seems to be on the verge of widespread acceptance. Of course, maybe all of this is why I'm 29, single, and seeking a full-time Cabana Boy.

Yeah, but can it open a beer bottle with its teeth?

This student taught a robot to fold origami...this makes me sad because not only can I not make my blog template work right, assuredly not as difficult as programming a robot...or say, making a cup of coffee...but I can't even teach myself to fold origami.

Out with the new...in with the old.

I had to change the template...AGAIN. Back to the old one, the new one was (I think) what was causing the page to take forever to load. Seeing as how my knowledge of HTML could pretty much fit on the head of a pin, and that's if I write BIG, I just decided to go back to what I already knew worked. Anyway, if anyone has switched to any of the new Blogger templates and wants to tell me, in nice simple small words, how to get the links and stuff to go at the TOP of the side column instead of the bottom, I would be very interested in knowing that.

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to make me a chicken pot pie...

Jesse B. Muckenfuss...he's pretty good with a hockey stick...but not so smart.

Germany Revisited

This orchestra in Germany carves their "instruments" out of vegetables and then, at the end of the concert, they make vegetable soup.

I was in Germany a couple of summers ago for work, but due to the fact that I spent the entire time at the pub across the street from my hotel I was unable to catch the vegetable orchestra. However, I did drink enough beer that at one point I thought I saw Santa Claus, and I got all excited and said to everyone I was with "OHMYGOD, there's Santa Claus!!!" And one of my fellow travelers goes "THAT is an ice cream cone painted on the window of the shop across the street." Oh. Yeah. I knew that. And also, it's not my fault they put the dart board right next to the door to the men's restroom. It's an alcohol establishment...these things happen.

UPDATE: The orchestra was PLAYING in Germany, it's not permanently located in Germany. I'm a dummy.

I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

I spent the day writing a paper (with my lovely and patient co-pseudo-counsel) on the Battered Woman Defense. All I can say is that at this point, like Martin Seligman's dogs, I have adapted to my punishment and no longer even try to escape. Resistance is futile. I took to learned helplessness like a squirrel takes to bubonic fleas. I'm a natural...what can I say?

Busy Today...

Very busy today...I wanted to put up a nice picture for everyone to look at but it was taking forever to load and then I accidentally deleted it...oops, but I might still figure it out...who knows. I will be back in action after I solve all the problems associated with the "Battered Woman's Defense" and figure out how I'm going to learn two quarters worth of property in just under two weeks...it's gonna be a long day!

UPDATE: The picture had to come down...I'm trying to cut down on problems the site seems to be having loading....
UPDATE2: When I deleted the last post I deleted the comments too, and I think there was at least one...I apologize for the fact that I am a technology moron.

Send in the [hairy pornographic] clowns!!

This jewel of a personal ad comes from our local "alternative" newspaper...it strikes a lovely balance between funny and absolutely the creepiest thing I have ever heard.

SEND IN THE CLOWNS!!

24 year old very good looking gay male seeks very good looking male, under 40, well hung to appear as clown for private fantasy. Hairy a plus. Open to being filmed a MAJOR plus.

Where to start with what's wrong with this?

Hairy...um ok, but maybe not something I'm looking for in a porno clown.
Clown...no, never, not under any circumstances...ever...seriously.
Filming...yeah, also a no...two words -- plausible deniability.
Filming a creepy pornographic hairy clown...uh...well, maybe when I'm done filming this pornographic anorexic albino mime...first things first.

Studying

Hell yeah I've been studying all afternoon...if by "studying" you mean "getting drunk off my ass."

Rambling about rocks...

Last night my roommate and I discovered that as kids we were both obsessed with rock collecting. Rarely do you meet someone else whose idea of an extraordinary birthday present is a rock-tumbler and a year's supply of polishing grit. Hard to believe, I know. I really was obsessed though. My parents would take me to the gem and mineral supply store and I would use my allowance to buy huge bags of rough rocks ready to put in the tumbler...usually agates of one sort or another. Never did I spend my allowance on magazines or lipgloss, always on big bags of rocks. When I couldn't afford the preselected bags of agates, that was OK, because I ALWAYS had pockets full of rocks that I picked up everywhere we went. No family walk was complete without me asking my dad every two seconds..."what's this one?" Usually his answer was "ES, that's asphalt, for god's sake."

Once the rocks were smooth and shiny I would either make "jewelry" out of them, or keep them in my "collection." For jewelry, my mom would take me to the local craft store where I would buy cheap settings for beaded jewelry and then I would use my dad's epoxy from his model airplanes and cars to cement the carefully selected piece of agate into the setting. I know all of our neighbors thought I was completely disturbed. Most days I wore my own creations and I always looked like the latchkey kid of a caveman with a huge rock hanging from a chain around my neck.

When the rocks went into the collection, they were carefully sorted by size and color and put into a huge 60 drawer metal hardware organizer my dad had taken all of his nails and screws out of at the behest of my mom so I would have a place to store all my rocks and she would quit ruining vacuum cleaners vacuuming them up. This hardware box must have weighed 50 pounds loaded down with rocks and I carried it everywhere. It went in the car to family dinners. It went to show and tell at school. It went to friend's houses to play. I was the only 10 year old on my block dragging a metal chest, complete with sparks along the sidewalk, to a slumber party. Everyone else just brought their Rainbow Brite dolls and left it at that. We moved 16 or 17 times while I was growing up due to my dad's job, and the one thing that I obsessed over was my rock collection. My grandparents had a friend that owned a gem shop who would send me interesting things once in awhile and I was convinced that my collection would be worth millions some day. I chided the movers to be careful with my fabulous collection the same way my mom did about her prized electric organ.

I still have most of the rocks in storage somewhere, the metal organizer is long gone by now. And I still love rocks, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History is probably one of my top 5 favorite places on earth. I even majored in Geology in college for a whole year before I realized that my math-phobia would not work in that field and switched, like millions of other disillusioned college freshmen, to psychology. And I'm convinced that all of this is what led to my obsession with all things sparkly...I can spend hours in jewelry stores just looking around. When I can't sleep I often tune into that show that comes on in the wee hours of the morning where the loose gemstones are on the lazy-susan and they just turn and turn and sparkle...I'm always back to sleep in less than an hour.

And this summer, on the infamous road trip, my best friend and I went to Agate Beach in northern California. Instead of sand the entire beach is made up of beautiful agates that come in with the tide and are polished by the ocean. It's amazing and I defy anyone to stand there and not be in total awe. My family is from northern California so I've spent my fair share of time exploring redwood forests and hiking to the top of Trinidad Rock, and I thought I had seen it all, but Agate Beach was like my entire childhood love of rocks translated into a place. Amazing.

Changes...

I just couldn't help it...I HAD to distract myself from getting work done on my Battered Woman's Syndrome paper, and changing the template seemed like a good three hour project...let me know if stuff isn't working, but so far it seems OK...except for the housekeeping things I need to do just to get it looking all spic-n-span. Yay for me! Technophobe no more!

UPDATE: I noticed some of the links had mysteriously gone missing and put them back up...I hope that I got them all, but my memory has been destroyed by the damn Diet Coke addiction, so if you notice your link is gone please leave a comment or shoot me an email and I'll put it back up!

More Tales from the Library

I saw a guy go into the library bathroom carrying his own roll of toilet paper. This seems curious to me. It was sticking out of his pocket and was probably about two-thirds of the way gone. I've never been in the men's restroom, but the women's restroom comes fully equipped with toilet paper. It's not locked down and you don't have to pay per square or anything, so it's perplexing to me that a person would feel a burning need (no pun intended) to BYOTP. Strange.

Kids nowadays...

A senior softball league found a LIT pipe bomb in their outfield, picked it up, and carried it to home plate...then miraculously called the police before they all blew themselves to smithereens. I can totally see it..

Bob: "Hey Harold, what is this thing? Looks like a piece of pipe...only with a weird ropey thing coming out the end attached to a lit cigarette..."

Harold: "Well Bob, bring it on over here to home plate and we'll just have a look...I was in the Army for three years back in World War One...discharged though...bad knees."

Bob: "Harold, you were stationed in New Jersey. Mildred...go find Harold's glasses, we're gonna get to the bottom of this...these stupid kids around here, always leaving their lit pipe bombs for other people to take care of. It's that damn heavy metal music. And the internet."

As an aside...the article states: "This is the second pipe bomb found in the area, the first was found a few months ago. Detectives are not ruling out a connection." Gee. You think?

Learning New Things Every Day!

Sitting in ConLaw...not really paying attention...Professor going on and on and on about the Constitution (go figure), when I hear the following exchange:

Prof: "Who can tell us why this is an important constitutional element?"
Class: ...bewilderment...
Prof: "Let's just ask John Doe over here" (points to one of the students in our class who is, as far as I know, a very nice middle-aged gentleman from somewhere in Africa)
John Doe: ...gives very eloquent and coherent answer...
Prof: "Now, does everyone in the class know that John was one of the principal drafters of the constitution of [insert small African country here]"
Class: ...stunned silence...

I am CONSTANTLY amazed at the caliber of some of the students here. I mean, we have several PhD's, a neurologist, former professors from other prestigious universities...etc. But, every once in awhile I am truly astounded. In the last week I found out about John Doe above, and I also discovered we have a bonafide, real-live, honest-to-god, American military hero...I mean WAY above and beyond the call of duty. I doubt very seriously that either one of these people would want their personal details splashed about my blog, but suffice it to say, I'm in awe!

Pink and Sparkly...and kind of lame actually.

Thanks to Dylan at Slithery D for the link...while happily I turned out to be a pink and sparkly toy, apparently a Care Bear could kick my ass. Well, whatever...all I'm saying is don't let the pink sparkly exterior fool you! Also...um...sweet and innocent and happy...yeah. Maybe not so much.


You're My Little Pony!! Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks. Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

UPDATE: I had to take the picture down...it wasn't loading correctly.

No really...only TWO!!

Like EVERY other person EVER pulled over for drunk driving...this guy only had TWO beers...he SWEARS!

Crow v Seagull (2004)

I just saw a crow and a seagull have a fight, IN THE AIR, over a pizza crust. It was so cool! Even better than the time I saw a hawk fly off with a squirrel from my backyard, but that furry little birdseed gobbler had it coming. And, as long as we're on the topic, why does the furry tail make a squirrel more appealing than a rat? We went to the Grand Canyon this summer and there were signs ALL over the place warning about the squirrels...apparently they have fleas the carry bubonic plague or something. The signs are white and show an evil looking squirrel who looks like he's going to jump out and latch on to your carotid artery and then a big red circle and line thingie over the squirrel. I wonder what people who come to this country and visit the Grand Canyon tell the folks back home? "I went to America and they have evil, diseased, attack squirrels EVERYWHERE!!"

And just in case anyone besides me is even remotely interested...the crow won. Go Crows!

UPDATE: I just had to look it up...so here, from the website of the Grand Canyon itself (at least one that looks fairly legit), is the final word on Attack of the Evil Diseased Killer Squirrels 2004:

"The South Rim’s rock squirrels are accomplished beggars! Look for them around the snack bar. They’ll do almost anything to get your attention. On our last trip, a squirrel stood a rock wall and extended his arms towards Tony as if he were his long, lost father. Tony resisted the temptation to reward him. And, cute as they are, they also bite and carry bubonic plague and rabies which affect people throughout the Southwest every year."

Your Body Is a Wonderland...and your dad is gonna kill me....

Bobby: "So, I was wondering if you want to go to my Senior Prom?"
Susie: "Oh neat Bobby, I'd love to go!"
Bobby: "Wow, that's so neat Susie, I'm sure we're going to have a great time!"
Susie: "What's the theme?"
Bobby: "Your Body Is a Wonderland"
Susie: "Neat! That totally renews my faith in high school! Let's go be amazing people!"

Little Stevie wants a booth...NOW!

Conversation heard at the restaurant last night...

Waiter: "Will this table be OK for you?"
Mom (to 3 or 4 year old child): "Stevie, do you like this table?"
Stevie: "I wanna sit in a booth!!!" (face screws up pre-tantrum style)
Mom to Waiter: "We're gonna need a booth, Stevie likes to sit in a booth"
Waiter: ...incredulous silence...
Mom: "Maybe we could have that booth over there, the one that seats 14 people...even though it's clearly busy here tonight and it's also clearly far too big a table for three people"
Waiter: "Uhhhh...let me see if there's anyone waiting for that table"
Waiter comes back (looking homicidal) and seats Mom, Dad and Stevie at a table large enough for my entire small section: "Is this OK?"
Mom: "Stevie?"
Stevie: "I want to color"
Mom to Waiter: "Do you have crayons...?"
Waiter picks up Stevie and breaks him in half over his knee.

Seriously, not only did my parents never ask if the table at a restaurant was to my liking, they didn't ask me if the college I was told I WOULD go to was to my liking. I cannot imagine a reality in which my father would not only have solicited my opinion on something like this, but would have given a poor waiter heartburn to make it happen. In my family the conversation would never even have happened...my dad's favorite saying growing up was that it was a benevolent dictatorship but it could get ugly at any moment. I HATE to see another entitled little brat being created right before my eyes*...I just want to pull the parents aside and be like "everyone who ever meets Stevie is going to think he is a pretentious little asshole" but I know that either (a) they already know that and have decided to parent him this way anyway, (b) they don't know but would probably do the same thing even if they did, or (c) they don't care and think he's cute.

Anyway, kind of an interesting exchange that prompted a dinner-long conversation between my roommate and I on how our parents wouldn't have taken that crap for two seconds.

*I caveat all of this by admitting that I have no children of my own and can only fall back on my recurring mantra..."no one is the boss of me, no one is the boss of me," which definitely includes children, even those that might spring from my own loins.