Friday, April 30, 2004

Internal Organs Gone Wild

This man's stomach FELL OUT after his surgical staples were removed, apparently improperly. Seriously. Fell right out of his body.

Here's the official response: "A spokeswoman for the Royal College of Surgeons of England told BBC News Online: 'Operations should be carried out so that does not happen.'" Gee. you think?

Needless to say, they're suing.

Huh?

Wal-Mart Begins Using Smart Labels...too bad they're not smart enough to stay away from Wal-Mart. Maybe they can teach the cashiers to give back correct change.

Mean Girls

Today I went with a friend from school to see "Mean Girls," which I thought would be really good because Tina Fey wrote it and is in it. And it was funny in a lot of places...but, it was pretty close to the "teen movie" formula we all know and love despite what I'm sure were the best of intentions. Overall, I would give it a "B"...but, it's law school, so 70% of the movies I see get a "B". The funniest thing was when the Gym Coach/Health Teacher tells the health class that "you're all going to want to start taking your clothes off soon and touching each other. Don't do it. You'll get chlamydia. And DIE!"

In other news, if you are the fat guy in the blue shirt that ran into me today on the sidewalk (and almost knocked me all the way down) despite the fact that you made eye contact with me before you did it and so I know that you KNEW I was there....you are a dick.

Score: Man-0, Natural Selection-1

The worst part about this story is how many OTHER people have also died by climbing into wood chippers....

There could be a legal niche there for just the right lawyer.

"Your Honor, how could a grown man be expected to know not to crawl into a machine that effortlessly turns huge branches into miniscule wood chips? It is clear to me that the wood chipper manufacturer has a duty to put a safety device on these dangerous machines -- perhaps a door over the opening that wouldn't allow anything into the chipping mechanism....oh wait.....I guess that might not work. Do whatever you need to do here Your Honor, I have to be over in Courtroom 3 later for a guy who used his hairdryer in the shower....we're asking the hairdryer manufacturer to make all their hairdryers nonelectric so people can't get hurt...the handcranked hairdryer is the wave of the future!"

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Mmmmmm.....chocolate

There are new Hershey's Kisses with CARAMEL INSIDE!! They are perhaps the most wonderful thing I have ever tasted in my life. They take away all the pain. The only complaint I have is that because of the (apparent) manner in which the caramel is lovingly encased within the chocolate by god...I mean Hershey's...sometimes the foil wrapper sticks a little bit. This significantly cuts down on the rate at which I am able to unfoil them and shove them down my gullet. But, somehow I will find the strength to persevere. Aren't I a trooper?

Summer in the Northwest

It's really beautiful here today. There are lots of very pale people laying out on the lawn in front of the school trying to sun their scrawny, withered from disuse, law library-ized limbs. It doesn't make the day any less gorgeous, and frankly, what with the severe sunburns percolating just beneath the surface, it probably keeps the interbreeding down....so that's a plus.

At any rate, the sun is shining and we are getting free beer to celebrate some event that I can't even remember happening, so all in all, I'm pretty happy. Five weeks of school, one Moot Court competition, three exams, and one massively long and boring appellate brief are all that stand in the way of me and completion of 1L. I think I should have stopped after the sentence about the beer....that's when it all still sounded good. Oh well, I'm off to the kegs....

Nobody can eat fifty eggs....

Basic Legal Skills Professor: "blah blah blah persuasive blah blah blah constitution blah blah blah expressive...so what do we have here?"
Me: "A failure to communicate?"
Moot Court Partner sitting next to me: "heh heh"

One more thing...

One thing I hate about living in the Pacific Northwest (after having lived in Texas, Florida and New Mexico for the past 10 years) is that EVERYWHERE you go there is some angst-ridden, skinny, pale, stringy haired man wearing all black writing a poem. Seriously. I even saw a guy at a bar writing a poem on a cocktail napkin. I'm sure it's all meant to be very artsy, but honestly, I just can't get into it.

I never thought I would miss a good ol' boy in a cowboy hat calling me "Hon".....

Self-Punishing Man...FINALLY!

This is weird.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

ConLaw for Dummies

I overheard the following exchange while reading ConLaw and waiting for my roommate (who, as it turned out, was in the place we had actually planned to meet...). Let me set the stage for you. Our Law School building, and hence the library, is directly across the street from Greek Row. This leads to a major influx of undergrads studying, milling, and just generally taking up the space that I'm paying four times more tuition to enjoy. So, at the table next to me are two undergrads, we'll call them Britney and Christina. Britney was reading Christina sample test questions (clearly pre-prepared) and Christina, god bless her Juicy-fied heart, was trying to answer. The subject: The Constitution of the United States of America.

Britney: What was the intent of the framers in writing the Constitution...what were they trying to achieve?
Christina: I don't know....something having to do with like, uniting the states or something, right?
Britney: What are the three branches of government laid out in the Constitution?
Christina: Uhhhhh...the President, courts and stuff...and...uhhhh....something with the environment? Like preserving animals and shit?
Britney: When laws are interpreted for constitutionality, do judges take into account the intent of the framers?
Christina: Oh hell no....I mean, the framers were just a bunch of old guys...it would be WAY too hard to take all of those dude's different opinions and like, make one thing out of them. I mean, duh!

I swear that this is the exact conversation I heard. They'll probably be 1L's next year. Sigh.

I AM the warning signs....ack!

Hey look...the 13 steps to success in Law School! I'm following them faithfully and hoping to complete all 13 "levels" before the end of this week...if not today. Affirmation, finally!

"So how do you know if you, a loved one, or someone who reports to you is suffering from burnout? Here are the early-warning signs. "

1. chronic fatigue - exhaustion, tiredness, a sense of being physically run down
2. anger at those making demands
3. self-criticism for putting up with the demands
4. cynicism, negativity, and irritability
5. a sense of being besieged
6. exploding easily at seemingly inconsequential things
7. frequent headaches and gastrointestinal disturbances
8. weight loss or gain
9. sleeplessness and depression
10. shortness of breath
11. suspiciousness
12. feelings of helplessness
13. increased degree of risk taking

Prom...Now and Then

This article includes teenagers paying $2,400 for a rented stretch Hummer for prom night, $700 for a dress, $400 for his and hers massages the morning of....etc...

My prom went like this...I got a dress that was less than $100 on sale ($100 was my mom's absolute limit for a dress I would never wear again), the boyfriends of my best friend and I MADE us dinner because they were in a band (don't laugh) and had just spent all their money buying a new sampler....and for the coup de grace......wait for it......they rented a Nintendo complete with Super Mario Bros for our prom night after-the-dance entertainment. YEAH! Oh, and as backup they rented The Last Temptation of Christ in case the Nintendo wasn't depressing enough. I kid you not. Also, my date made my corsage (he was an artiste) consisting of an Incredible Hulk action figure with a hole drilled in its hand and a flower stuck through the hole...the whole piece of crap...er...art...was then attached to a velvet ribbon by HIS MOM and tied around my ever so delicate wrist (by him, not his mom). Pfft.

UPDATE: Law School Prom (actually Spring Gala or something like that....but, whatever) is in less than two weeks....it promises an entire night of awkwardness and intoxication...not necessarily in that order. Hilarity will no doubt ensue.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The other part of my day so far...

I got to CrimLaw this morning and one of the students in my class, I have it narrowed down to one of three people, had plastered the entire classroom in LaRouche for President flyers. When I say flyers I mean totally insane, crazy newspaper-esque yet not really a newspaper because it was FAR TOO CRAZY to be real, propaganda. It was bizarre. This room is our major courtroom and seats perhaps 200 or so people. EVERY SINGLE seat had the newspaper flyer crazy propaganda thingie laid out neatly in front...every flat surface was covered. Do you think this person doesn't know LaRouche is certifiable?

Peer Mentoring

I'm putting this back up....enjoy!

Today we met with our upper class peer mentors. These people are supposed to work with us throughout the year to help us navigate our traumatic 1L year with ease and precision (rather like a disposable razor - but the kind with three blades, not the cheap ones.) Anyhow, we've seen these people approximately three times this year and every single time the conversation goes something like this:

Suzie 1L: "What classes would you recommend that we take in our 2L year"
Helpful Peer Mentor #1: "Evidence, definitely take evidence"
HPM #2: "Do NOT take Evidence, you have to take it in Bar Review anyway, why pay twice?"
HPM #3: "Always remember to keep a balance in your life...try to do Law Review and Moot Court if possible"
Suzie 1L: "Well, if we do decide to take Evidence, which Professor is best?"
HPM #1: "Go with Prof. John Doe"
HPM #2: "Don't go with Prof. John Doe whatever you do...he's a maniac who eats students hearts for lunch and worse yet, uses the Socratic Method"
HPM #3: "Did I mention that I'm on Law Review?"
Suzie 1L: "How can I form meaningful bonds with my Professors in order to get them to help me with jobs and internship opportunities?"
HPM #1: "Make sure you wait for them after every class, email them all at least once a day (even the ones you don't have as teachers), and place handwritten notes describing your mentoring needs in places they'll find them....like under their office doors, in their pockets, taped to the bottle of Prozac in their medicine cabinet at home..."
HPM #2: "Whatever you do, make sure you don't bother them too much...I recommend the standoffish 'you need me more than I need you Mr. Professor Smarty Pants' method"
HPM #3: "Alright, we're out of time because I have to go write the Moot Court problem and then judge the entire competition by myself, but if anyone has any questions about being on the Law Review, which I am on by the way, please come see me in my office later today. You can tell it's my office because it's the only one that says Law Review AND Moot Court on the door. Thanks!!"

My day so far...

We had a guest speaker in Property today that looked rather like a pencil that talked. I was totally zoned out during his (I'm sure very interesting) lecture when he said something that to me sounded like this: "blah blah blah blah blah THRUST blah blah" at which point I jerked my head up and laughed out loud. So, not only am I totally immature, everyone in the row around me thinks I am a psychopath. Great.

Innovative Uses for Kielbasa

Most people would just barbeque it, but two teenage boys go above and beyond and turn an ordinary sausage into an EXTRAordinary sausage.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Croissant Paperweight Anyone?

I often think that if I didn't go to law school I would want to either be a pastry chef or learn to blow glass. Perhaps I could blow glass into the shape of pastries. Very many times this year I have thought of quitting. Someone in my small group dropped out during winter quarter and I have to say that I've often felt kind of...well...jealous. I don't think law school is "difficult" per se. It's often busy, overwhelming, awkward, and frustrating...but rarely is the material so difficult that I can't tackle it intellectually. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I ever get a reader who is just surfing through trying to decide to go to law school...don't not go because you think it's too hard (because it's not)...but do not go if there is something else in life that you think you will love to do every day forever and you're not entirely sure this is what you want (because it's hard enough).

I hold out hope that like OTS is to the Air Force, law school is to being a lawyer. The process of "becoming" kind of sucks, but once you get to the "real" world you find a way to take pride in your job and enjoy what you do.

In other news, I unexpectedly LOVE Criminal Law. This is a surprise since this is basically what I dealt with in the Air Force as a Section Commander, and it never really did much for me. I think that of all the classes we've taken so far it is one I can really grasp onto in a practical way. This has much to do with the professor...but aside from Contracts (also a fabulous professor), this is the most enjoyable class this year.

Deep Thoughts on Property

Whenever I need to "get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!

They are probably delhi sands flower-loving flies....this is only funny if you are in my Property class...which the majority of my five readers are....anytime the worlds of Deep Thoughts and Property collide I feel obliged to point it out.

The Mother Theresa of Porn

I don't know what's most disturbing about this...that you can earn your Ph.D from a place called "The Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality" and be taken seriously...or that you can make over 1,000 porn movies, become a clinical sexologist (at the aforementioned undoubtably stellar institution of higher learning) and then be described as "The Mother Theresa of Porn."

Sunday, April 25, 2004

You have one minute to decide the rest of your life.

I. Love. James. Spader.

He has made "the practice" worth watching again and was FABULOUS in Secretary. Somehow he has emerged from the 80's brat pack thing as an amazing actor with a really suprising range. Also...HOT. Oh my god. This time it's true love. I swear.

Also, he was in Pretty in Pink. You just can't do any better than that. Well, I guess he could have been in The Breakfast Club. But then, what would my life have been without spending five years of my adolescence pining for Judd Nelson?

The annual pile-toss for drug awareness...

All I can guess is that it's Drug Awareness Week...this came in my email today -- all I'm changing is identifying details...I swear!!

Hey Energy Spatula!

Monday, April 26, 4-6 pm, in front of Idiotic Undergrad Dorm, we're doing a "Remembrance"
for all those who have died due to drugs. We will ring a bell every 5
minutes and toss some object into a pile to represent those who die. In
addition we will have a bulletin board and pamphlets about drugs.

Tuesday, April 27, 6:30-7:30 pm, Idiotic Undergrad Dorm Courtyard, we're having a "Pot
Party" where residents can come pot plants, learn about drugs and eat
"Half-Baked items such as cookie dough and brownies. (NO, not special
brownies.)


I couldn't make this up if I tried...just remember to bring your "object" to toss into the "pile"...I'll be taking suggestions as to what objects I could possibly bring that would be appropriate for the pile-toss, as it were.

Team Energy Spatula Rides Again

As posted below, it's my dad's 56th birthday and he rode his first bike marathon today. Go Dad!! He finished 102 miles (and a 5000+ vertical climb) in 5 hours 52 minutes. It was 93 degrees too....YUCK. And while he rode my mom did a hike of several miles (through the wilderness apparently), so she rocks too!

I on the other hand, sat in the library ALL DAY LONG staring out the window at the sunshine and trying to remember what life was like before I became an underground library dwelling nutcase law student. But, clearly I come from accomplished people so maybe there's hope for me yet.

In other naked news...

Hmmm....I haven't had a date for a while...I'd like to meet someone special...I think I will:

A) Join a gym and see if I can find someone that shares my interests (and is HOT baby, yeah!!)
B) Start volunteering and meet some people who want to save the children/whales/trails/latex industry as much as I do
C) Take a class in something I've just been dying to learn...ceramics/cooking/Vulcan For Lovers
D) Do this

Clothing Optional

What the hell...

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Good Luck

Good Luck to my dad who is headed to California this morning for his very first bike marathon...GO TEAM ENERGY SPATULA!!!

Cogs In Training

My Moot Court partner and I were discussing how weird and disconnected we're feeling this quarter with a classmate of ours in the library this morning (perhaps spending Saturday mornings in the library is a contributing cause of the aformentioned apathy). At any rate one of our classmates pointed out that the monotonous day to day grind that we are going through right now is akin to the day to day grind that corporate business people go through...they are just cogs in the machine being ground down until there's nothing left. This converstation can lead to only one conclusion...we are cogs in training...being trained for a life dedicated to our eventual wear down and collapse. How depressing. I like to think that one of the reasons I am in law school is so that I won't HAVE to be a part of a job anymore that wears me down like that unless I choose to be. I think that I will probably end up back at work for Uncle Sam at some point and I hope that it's as fulfilling as my military experience was (at least most of the time). My summer internship is in a federal job and so far it sounds like it's going to be exactly the type of job I might eventually want....I just don't want to end up a cog. Anything but a cog.

What Torts?

Never go to party where the host can only be identified as "Mr. Robinson" and they force you to drink strawberry daiquiris and wine in the same evening. That can only spell trouble.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Another Story from the County Jail

You know what...I don't even care about this. I loved Jeremy London in Party of Five, where I unashamedly was reeled in week after week by the tragic family of children being raised by their older brother and his certifiably insane stickbug girlfriend, and I still love him. I laughed. I cried. I got married and divorced by age 22. Thanks for the memories FOX!

Angst.

To make my life a little bit easier during this trying time, why don't we get rid of the First Amendment (and thereby all the angst in my appellate-brief ruled existence), and if anyone wants to know whether they can say something they can just run it by me. If you're not about to say, "Your Highness the Supreme Goddess and Ruler of the Entire Universe, your Diet Coke is chilled and your homemade cookies are warmly nestled on a plate for the delight of your royal tastebuds", then just don't talk at all until later. OK?

On second thought, you are also allowed to say "The bags under your eyes make you all the more beautiful to me" and "You're right now that I think about it, you ARE the boss of me!"

More Reality Show News

I HATE the commercials for that "Simple Life" show with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey. They are the most completely obnoxious, pretentious, entitled, hateful girls ever to be put on TV. I don't think it's the fact that they both act like morons most of the time (at least that's what the commericals portray), or the fact that they both seem totally out of touch with how the rest of America behaves...and by "rest" I mean "everyone but them" as well as "people who don't suck". I think what it all comes down to is that every time I see Paris Hilton I think of those balls of hair and bones that owls barf up after they eat a bunch of mice and stuff....we used to have to dissect them in elementary school science class. Paris Hilton is what happens when digestive processes go wrong.

Ugh. Gross.

This is such a great idea! I am going to run home right now and start on a tiny rose made out of my own skin to protest the fact that I am exposed to idiotic reality shows like The Bachelor almost every night. Clearly those time slots could be filled by even more Law and Order spin-offs.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Real World v Road Rules

You know what I think could make the Real World/Road Rules Challenge a decent TV show? If they could make it a little more dramatic. I mean really. A catfight or two would really spice it up a bit. Perhaps if all the characters...er...I mean real people, would just quit being nice and start being real....oh well...never mind...that show just plain sucks.

On the other hand...I love Scrubs and in an informal poll involving my roommate and myself, it has been voted the best show on TV ever. I mean tonight. Oh alright, she didn't even vote. But I still love it.

Yay...my horoscope has beer!

I make it a point to read my Onion horoscope every week....it's always better than the one in the newspaper and usually much more accurate. I highly recommend.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.

The fashion police

Let's take it one step further and make it a crime to be Britney Spears.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

When email attacks....

Apparently I am not the only person with the overwhelming volume of penis enlargement ads problem (see post from a few days ago). In ConLaw today our professor forgot to turn off the voice thingie on his email that tells when a message comes in and who it's from. So a few minutes into class the email goes "You have a message from John Smith." And Prof. ConLaw goes "Well, that is just so embarrassing. Thank god that wasn't one of those enhance your penis size emails. I must get at least four or five of those a day. I mean, HOW MUCH do they know about me anyway?"

It was by far the funniest thing a professor has said all year.

Hello Dad...I'm in jail...I LIKE it!!

Today my CrimLaw class went to visit the local jail. It's a huge facility with approximately 2,500 prisoners, about 85% of whom are waiting to be sentenced. They broke us up into two groups and took us on a tour of three of the main floors. Our tour leader was a 14 year veteran of the correctional system and was a very funny and interesting man. So, we got to see the holding cells and intake unit, and we even got to see one of those Hannibal Lecter chair/dolly things that really bad people get strapped into.

But, the best part happened at the end when the correctional officer broke out a shadow box full of things they had confiscated from inmates. There were guns, knives, pipes, drugs, and a whole array of things that I can't even begin to guess the use of. The guard helpfully told us "All the stuff that we find hidden in people's 'orifices' we call 'kiesters'". Then he told us "whenever I see one inmate giving drugs to another inmate I always ask the recipient whether he knows where those drugs came from." To which one of my classmates answered "the Kiester Bunny."

Since I've already lowered myself to talk about this subject here is the other funny thing that happened. The correctional officer held up a little travel sized toothbrush and asked "Does anyone know why this toothbrush is so small?" And I helpfully answered, "so it can fit up someone's kiester?" But the real answer turned out to be so that when the inmates file it down into a point (which they are apparently pretty likely to do) it's not long enough to really hurt someone with. Who knew?

I don't really wanna talk about my flair, OK?

Since I am getting some visitors from JD2B I guess I need to do a little introductory bit about me and the blog (for the 3 people who actually read this on a regular basis and are my friends from school....get back to work on your briefs).

This blog is supposed to be a light-hearted and funny look at the law school experience in general and my life in particular. I TRY not to put anything on here that would unduly hurt anyone's feelings...but if it does than assume it's not about you and that I'm making fun of someone else, that should help. I already had to take down a post on Peer Mentoring because it was clear to me that someone was taking it personally, when in fact it was meant to be a parody of some of the prototypical law student "types" you will find at any given school. But I digress. (UPDATE: Peer Mentoring was Reposted on 4/27)

I spent four years in the Air Force as a personnel officer before deciding to come to Law School. There were three main reasons I chose this path. 1) I didn't want to take the GMAT because I thought it would have math, so I took the LSAT (which turned out to have logic problems which are just math with words); 2) I was ready to get out of the Air Force, not because I didn't love it (I did), but because I felt like I needed to find a career that I could really be happy in where I felt like I was making a difference; and 3) I had a poster of a kitten just barely hanging on to a tree branch that just wouldn't look right if it wasn't hung on a dorm room wall.

So, that's about it I guess. Enjoy. Don't Enjoy. Feel free to email me with comments or suggestions.

Me

PS: For my friend who had 2 questions:

An energy spatula is my hypothetical weapon should I hypothetically become a hypothetical superhero. If I can find the website again where you generate your superhero powers I will post it.

The name came from my Property Professor, who is a fabulously brilliant man, and who told us that we should be DEFIANT about our grades and that when he was a new lawyer he worked for 7 years without winning a case and only worked for the favorable dicta. So there you go.

Guns.

Last night a bunch of law students went shooting at a range here in town. It was really fun and so great to see everyone getting into it and shooting the hell out of some deserving paper targets (I just knew these people had some major pent-up aggression). I had some great patterns going but my roommate gets the "Star Shooter" of the night award. She picked up a gun after never really having shot before and just tore it up -- she's a natural. Anyway, it was great fun and brought back some spectacularly bad memories of OTS (which I can laugh at now of course...hahaha...see). Today my CrimLaw class is going on a tour of the jail, so maybe after that I'll have something funny (funny ha-ha, not funny tragic hopefully) to post.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I think the kids like it when I "get down" verbally....

{Professor Property helpfully comparing a case of farmworker housing rights to a movie situation he thinks we can all understand}

Prof: "It's just like in that movie Animal House...you guys have all seen that right?"
Students: {various affirmative grumblings}
Prof: "Well, remember when they forced all the jocks out of their dorms and they all had to live on cots in the gym?"
Students: {puzzled looks all around then one brave student raises his hand}
Prof: "Yes?" {clearly exasperated that we aren't responding to his attempt to suck us in by using examples we can understand}
Student: "I think that was Revenge of the Nerds"
Prof: "Oh my god, I can't believe I messed that up"
Students: {nearly everyone tears themselves away from Bejeweled long enough to laugh uproariously}

Grocery List

Milk
Eggs
Bread
Kangaroo Bones
Possum Skin

I will be taking nominations for the top 3 most annoying gunners to place an ancient curse on...

Monday, April 19, 2004

Ha.

I am not sure what to expect of my upcoming summer internship, but for the most part I'm pretty excited and looking forward to being on the -other- coast for a few weeks. I found this at McSweeney's though and I laughed so hard I almost choked...and since it's about summer interns and I'm going to be a summer intern it somehow all made sense to me. Anyhow, enjoy.

Dude, I've got such a great idea...

Dear God,

If I'm ever 59 and still live with a roommate please don't let me die like this. I promise to quit laughing when people fall down on the street. This time I mean it.

Yours Truly,
Me

Howdy Neighbor...

I know that this shouldn't be funny...but seriously.....

"Hebert sued his neighbor for damages stemming from the shock, which threw him in the air, melted his sneakers and glasses, set his pants on fire, and knocked out his dental plate."



Sunday, April 18, 2004

The Cracker Shield

I saw the weirdest thing walking home from the library today...and believe me, considering the area around our library that is quite a statement.

There was this guy (kid really, probably 18 or 19) walking up the street very quickly (what we military folks would call "with a purpose") and he was holding an unopened box of Ritz crackers in front of himself at chest height like a shield. I'm not sure if a box of Ritz crackers can actually protect you from anything, but maybe he was just being extra careful. I have to say that if you want to try this yourself I would probably go with Triscuits....they are roughly the same density and weight as kevlar only with more fiber.

Plausible Deniability

From my best friend in the whole world, M: "If you act indignant about something it's just as good as the truth."

It's not often you find this kind of wisdom in someone so young.

Not a Good Sign...

In the past couple of days the following things have happened:

1) My Basic Legal Skills appellate brief is due tomorrow and I've spent literally days doing nothing but that only to have less than 1000 words accounted for so far.
2) The other night I woke up because I had a dream a spider was crawling on me, only it wasn't a dream and a huge disgusting spider was crawling down my arm.
3) This morning I got hailed on while walking to school.

All I can say is that if my ex-husband shows up the Apocalyptic Quartet will be complete.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Mr. Porn in the Library Guy

Here's to you Mr. Porn in the Library Guy
You boldly go where no man with an ounce of dignity or self-respect would go
You sit at the computer whose screen faces the main library entrance and do your "research"
Best free sites? Hottest women? Hottest men? Most latex per square inch? We may never know
All day, every day -- you're a pornography machine and that's OK
So, Mr. Porn in the Library Guy -- even though you're not a student, or faculty, or for all we know, even marginally associated with the University at large
We salute you for bringing sexuality to the least sexually charged place on the planet earth - the law school library!

Shrieking Frogs

I don't know if you can call 80,000 shrieking frogs per acre an "emergency"....I personally think one shrieking Celine Dion per major U.S. city is an emergency but you don't see any working groups addressing that.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Grades and other adult stuff...

Today we got our grades back. For weeks we've been complaining about Moot Court and the kickball-esque partner selection process that goes along with it, which is guaranteed to breed compulsion and doubt in even the heartiest of egos. In the midst of the drama surrounding the grade release, my roommate suggested that perhaps they require partners for Moot Court so we won't just quit and never come back after we get our grades. In light of my less than stellar showing in one class, I have to say that the theory has possibilities. Accountability to someone else for half of a brief that is due in three days has a lot to do with the fact that I am trying to be responsible instead of drowning my sorrows in one of the multitude of seedy bars positioned conveniently across the street from the law school. I hate being an adult sometimes.
Number of emails I get every day offering to help me enlarge my penis in one way or another: 17
Number of penises I have: 0

Is this about the doggy doo?

This is judicial activism at its finest.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Chicken Wings

Conversation between my roommate and I while walking to the grocery store:


RM: I like to see a nice developed calf on a man
Me: Me too, nice legs are so important
RM: They should be meaty like a chicken wing

An Open Letter

Dear Professor,

I know that you are very proud of the casebook you are attempting to write -- there's even a Powerpoint stick figure proudly emblazoned on the front cover -- very snazzy! I am willing to overlook the spelling errors, glaring misprints, and even the little text callouts all over the pages with clever notes to yourself like "make sure to fact check this" and "find out who this Jefferson character is." However, the one favor I would like to ask is if it would be possible for you to edit the cases to under 30 pages apiece. By the fifth page I have ceased to pay attention, by the thirteenth page I want to curl into the fetal position and cry myself to sleep, and frankly, by the twentieth page I have decided that anything remaining is probably not important or else they wouldn't have put it so far in the back. Also, please quit saying commingling so much, it sounds dirty. Thanks.

A Grateful Student